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$: For preview only - pioneerdrama.comScript_Preview\3565_KOKONUTHIG_Script_Sample.pdfWINIFRED HOLMES ..... educator 15 . EXTRAS..... can be utilized as additional n/a students . SETTING$
By TIM KELLY

© Copyright 1999, by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

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KOKONUT HIGH A Krazy Komedy In Two Acts

By TIM KELLY

CAST OF ISLAND CHARACTERS (In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

EARL ................................... teenage son of Cordelia Hawkins 48 ROY BOY ............................ teenage son of Maw Cawawkee 41 MAW CAWAWKEE ............. island citizen; colorful character 85 CORDELIA HAWKINS ........ owns Kokonut Island 158 SWAMPY ............................ aged but spry island “character” 85 BETTY ................................. teenage daughter of Cordelia 41 SUKY .................................. teenage daughter of Maw 43

Cawawkee EVA PARKER ..................... newlywed 60 TED ..................................... Eva’s husband 52 MABEL CARPENTER ......... nurse 24 LOUISE RUSSELL.............. another 25 TOM SCRIMSHAW ............. boat pilot 60 MILDRED HUTTON ............ insurance representative 24 DORIS HOYT ...................... shady character 57 CHIC SUTHERLAND .......... another 49 MICKEY .............................. teenager 36 BUDDY ................................ another 33 LYNNE SMITH .................... another 43 VICKIE SNOW .................... another 36 MRS. CRAWFORD ............. socialite 21 VANESSA ........................... her daughter 30 WALCOTT DRAKE ............. another shady character 42 BARBARA ........................... another 41 CAP’N KIDD ........................ ghost pirate 23 LIEUTENANT SUTTON ...... Coast Guard 15 PETTY OFFICER JONES ... Coast Guard 11 FROSTY ALWAYS.............. once thought to be Princess 24

Anastasia ROBERT SHAW ................. con artist 47

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MRS. SMITH ....................... Lynne’s mother 11 MRS. SNOW ....................... Vickie’s mother 10 MILLICENT WARREN ........ educator 14 WINIFRED HOLMES .......... educator 15 EXTRAS .............................. can be utilized as additional n/a

students

SETTING

The action takes place on Kokonut Island, off the coast of Florida. UPSTAGE is a small three-sided thatched hut. The fourth side is open to the audience. Inside is a desk and chair LEFT, a small refreshment table UP CENTER and a chair RIGHT. There’s a dressing screen UPSTAGE of desk. A sign somewhere on the crude structure reads: “HOSPITALITY HUT.” Wooden bench is outside. We see another bench DOWN LEFT and another DOWN RIGHT in the clearing. Some tropical (meaning brightly-colored) shrubs are here and there. One of the shrubs is large enough to hide behind. An optional backdrop would prove effective, showing a jungle forest. Or maybe an ocean view. The FORESTAGE represents various locales on the island.

TIME: The present.

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1

KOKONUT HIGH

ACT ONE

Scene One

Prior to LIGHTS UP [CURTAIN], we hear the SOUND OF TROPICAL BIRDS such as parrots, macaws, flamingos or the LAPPING OF WAVES.

LIGHTS UP: We hear the SOUND OF A BOAT’S HORN or WHISTLE from OFF LEFT. The SOUND is repeated several times.

EARL’S VOICE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Come on, Roy Boy. Boat’s in!

ROY BOY’S VOICE: (From OFF RIGHT.) I heard. I got ears. (EARL ENTERS RIGHT, followed by ROY BOY. Both are in their late teens. [NOTE: Consult PRODUCTION NOTES for costume suggestions.] EARL is intelligent and clever. ROY BOY is slow and lazy. They move in front of the Hospitality Hut.)

EARL: It’s the Island Grasshopper. I bet there are at least twenty guests on board.

ROY BOY: You always talk like that, Earl. Only trouble is you’re almost never right.

EARL: You got to think positive, Roy Boy.

ROY BOY: I wish I didn’t have to think at all. I’d rather be trapping water birds or fishing.

EARL: I’d rather be carrying luggage for guests. Money in the bank.

ROY BOY: You’re practical. I ain’t. (EARL quickly EXITS LEFT. ROY BOY sits on the bench outside the Hospitality Hut. He yawns noisily and stretches his arms.) What a day. What a day. It’s sleeping weather.

MAW CAWAWKEE: (ENTERS RIGHT. She wears an old dress and a battered straw hat.) Roy Boy Cawawkee! What are you doing sitting there?

ROY BOY: Aw, Maw.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Didn’t you hear the boat whistle [horn]?

ROY BOY: Aw, Maw.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Them tourists can’t be expected to carry their own luggage.

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2

ROY BOY: What tourists?

MAW CAWAWKEE: No backtalk.

ROY BOY: Aw, Maw. You’re always picking on me. Why can’t Suky help with the luggage?

MAW CAWAWKEE: Suky’s got enough to do. Get off that bench and get on down to the pier.

ROY BOY: Aw, Maw.

MAW CAWAWKEE: You heard me. (Reluctantly, ROY BOY gets up and starts to move LEFT.) You can walk faster than that. You ain’t no sea turtle.

ROY BOY: Aw, Maw.

MAW CAWAWKEE: (Takes a threatening step toward him.) Scat!

ROY BOY: (ROY BOY knows better than to challenge his mother. EXITS LEFT.) I’m on my way, Maw!

MAW CAWAWKEE: (To no one in particular.) Roy Boy’s got a good heart, but he’s lazy. Just like his paw.

CORDELIA’S VOICE: (From OFF RIGHT.) That you, Maw Cawawkee?

MAW CAWAWKEE: It’s me.

CORDELIA: (ENTERS RIGHT. She carries a plastic pitcher supposedly filled with lemonade. She is a pleasant middle-aged woman.) I thought I heard you talking to Roy Boy.

MAW CAWAWKEE: I sent him on down to the pier.

CORDELIA: I hope the guests didn’t change their minds and go someplace else.

MAW CAWAWKEE: You mean like the last time?

CORDELIA: And the time before that. If I didn’t know better I’d suspect there was a curse on Kokonut Island. If only that hurricane hadn’t struck.

MAW CAWAWKEE: There’s nothing a person can do about a hurricane. When it wants to hit, it hits.

CORDELIA: Only I wish it hadn’t hit quite so hard. (She pats the pitcher.) I made lemonade. I thought the guests might enjoy a cup.

MAW CAWAWKEE: I’m sure they will. Did you put in lots of ice?


3

CORDELIA: The ice machine is broken.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Oh, yeah. I forgot.

CORDELIA: But there’s a lot to be said for warm lemonade.

MAW CAWAWKEE: I suppose there is, but I can’t imagine what. (SWAMPY, an island “character”, creeps IN from DOWN RIGHT, nervously looking over his shoulder as if he expects an attack. Looks like he hasn’t had a bath since the Titanic sank. With long, snarly hair, a long beard and gnarled hands, he is dressed in tattered rags and a pirate hat. He has a sword and pistol in his belt and wears an eye patch. There is a [stuffed] parrot on one shoulder. SWAMPY is aged but spry. He is a walking cartoon pirate.)

SWAMPY: Hi, ho, me fancies. What’s for lunch?

CORDELIA: Hello, Swampy.

SWAMPY: (Indicates parrot.) Ain’t you got no kind word for Cap’n Barnaby?

CORDELIA: Hello, Cap’n Barnaby. Nice to see you again.

SWAMPY: (Pretends to imitate the parrot’s voice.) Caw-caw. Hello, me pretty. (He bends his shoulder, which makes it seem as if the stuffed toy is actually moving.)

MAW CAWAWKEE: Where you been, Swampy? Haven’t seen you in over a month. I was going to tell Roy Boy to go looking for you one of these days. But it’s so hard to get him to do anything. For all we knew, you might have been swept away in the hurricane.

SWAMPY: Nope.

BETTY: (ENTERS RIGHT. SUKY ENTERS with her.) All the huts are swept out and made up with fresh linen, Mom.

SUKY: And I made sure the soap dishes were scrubbed clean, Mrs. Hawkins.

CORDELIA: That’s nice, Suky. Guests don’t like a scummy soap dish. A scummy soap dish can give a place a bad reputation. (She steps into the Hospitality Hut and sets the pitcher on the refreshment table.)

BETTY: We did hear the whistle from the Island Grasshopper, didn’t we?

SUKY: I’m sure we heard it.


4

MAW CAWAWKEE: Who are you girls trying to fool? You’re not interested in a boat whistle. You’re interested in the sailor who pilots the Island Grasshopper, Tom Scrimshaw. (BETTY and SUKY sigh.)

SUKY: Well, Maw, you have to admit he’s kind of good-looking. And he’s awfully clever.

BETTY: He knows so much about the world. He’ll make some girl a wonderful husband.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Sailors usually do. Don’t forget, sailors have been a part of Kokonut Island for centuries.

BETTY/SUKY: So have pirates.

CORDELIA: (Steps to the edge of the Hospitality Hut.) And hurricanes.

ALL: What an island!

SWAMPY: Don’t you want to know what I’ve been doing?

CORDELIA: What have you been doing?

SWAMPY: What I always do. Dig for treasure. (OTHERS laugh.) Go on and laugh if you want. But one day ole Swampy here will strike it rich. I’ll be the one who’s laughin’ then. (Beat.) I’m hungry.

CORDELIA: You’ll have to wait for your lunch.

SWAMPY: How come?

CORDELIA: Guests are arriving.

SWAMPY: Guests are arriving, so ole Swampy has to wait for his lunch? ’Tain’t fair.

BETTY: I’m heading to the pier. (She EXITS LEFT.)

SUKY: So am I. (She EXITS LEFT.)

SWAMPY: It’s no way to treat a poor ole pirate.

CORDELIA: Stop complaining. You know perfectly well you’re not an old pirate.

SWAMPY: I am too. I’m almost three hundred years old. (He indicates the parrot.) Ask Cap’n Barnaby if you don’t believe me. (Imitates parrot’s voice.) Swampy’s right. He’s almost three hundred years old. Caw, caw.

CORDELIA: Remember, Swampy, amuse the tourists, but don’t overstay your welcome.


5

SWAMPY: The last tourist didn’t even leave me a tip. Not so much as a copper penny. How’s that for ingratitude? In my day he’d have been hung from the top of the ship’s rigging. (He rubs his tummy.) I’m starving, I tell you.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Why don’t you eat some fruit? There are fruit trees everywhere you look.

SWAMPY: The hurricane knocked the fruit to the ground.

CORDELIA: Pick it up and eat it.

SWAMPY: (Shocked.) That wouldn’t be sanitary.

EARL’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) I’ll introduce you to Mom. She’ll be at the Hospitality Hut to welcome you.

EVA’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) That’ll be nice. Won’t that be nice, Ted?

TED’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) It’ll be nice, Eva.

SWAMPY: I’d better disappear. It’s best if guests don’t see me all at once. It destroys the illusion. (He EXITS DOWN RIGHT.) I hope they’re big tippers. (He REAPPEARS almost immediately.) What am I having for lunch when I get it?

CORDELIA: Macaroni and cheese.

SWAMPY: Oh, goody. My favorite. Did you hear that, Cap’n Barnaby? Macaroni and cheese. Caw, caw. (He’s OUT again.)

EARL: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying some luggage.) Here we are, folks. Kokonut Island’s Hospitality Hut. (EVA and TED PARKER, a young newlywed couple, follow IN after EARL. EVA does most of the talking, wears a corsage. EARL crosses RIGHT and sets down the luggage.)

EVA: Oh, look, Ted. The Hospitality Hut looks like something a primitive person would live in. Very authentic, don’t you think so, Ted?

TED: Very authentic, Eva.

EVA: Mr. Scrimshaw says Kokonut Island is the perfect place for a honeymoon.

MAW CAWAWKEE: You young folks just get hitched?

EVA/TED: Uh-huh.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Congratulations!


6

CORDELIA: (Crosses to desk and picks up a clipboard.) Let me see now. You must be, uh, uh... (She consults her clipboard.) Here you are. Mr. and Mrs. Parker. You’ll be staying a few weeks.

EVA/TED: Uh-huh.

EVA: If we like it we may stay longer.

CORDELIA: I know you’re going to have a lovely time.

MAW CAWAWKEE: All the weather reports say no more hurricanes for a spell.

CORDELIA: This is Maw Cawawkee. Her ancestors have lived here on Kokonut Island for as long as anyone can remember.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Me and my son and daughter are the last of the line.

EARL: Some folks say those ancestors were pirates.

EVA: Isn’t that thrilling, Ted?

TED: Thrilling, Eva.

CORDELIA: You’ve met my son Earl.

EVA/TED: Hi, Earl.

EARL: Hi.

CORDELIA: (Checks clipboard.) I’m putting you in the Flamingo Hut. It has a lovely view of Pirate’s Cove and an old straw rug on the floor. So old no one knows when it was woven.

EVA: Oh, Ted, we’re getting the royal treatment.

TED: Nice.

EARL: I’ll take the luggage on down. You can’t miss Flamingo Hut.

EVA: I’m not good when it comes to geography.

MAW CAWAWKEE: There’s a fake flamingo on the roof. Use that for your guide.

EVA: What color is it?

MAW CAWAWKEE: Pink.

EVA: That is colorful. (EARL picks up the luggage, EXITS RIGHT.)

CORDELIA: How about a nice cup of lemonade? Made with Kokonut Island lemons.


7

EVA: That would be nice. (CORDELIA goes to refreshment table and pours two cups of lemonade from the plastic pitcher.)

TED: (Wipes back of his neck with a handkerchief.) The weather is hot.

CORDELIA: Not hot, Mr. Parker. Sultry.

TED: Yeah, well, whatever. I am thirsty.

MAW CAWAWKEE: You folks the only ones on the Island Grasshopper?

EVA: There were a few others.

MAW CAWAWKEE: (Hopeful.) Did they say they were stopping here? Or moving on to another island?

EVA: I wouldn’t know.

CORDELIA: (Steps to EVA and TED with the lemonade.) Here you go. Nice and tasty. (EVA takes a cup, TED the other.)

TED: (Makes a toast.) Cheers.

OTHERS: Cheers. (EVA and TED take a swallow, make horrible faces.)

EVA: Could I have some ice, please? (CORDELIA and MAW CAWAWKEE exchange a worried look.)

CORDELIA: Ice? You don’t want ice.

EVA: I thought I did.

TED: This lemonade is awfully sour.

MAW CAWAWKEE: (Thinks fast.) Kokonut Island lemonade is noted for being tart.

CORDELIA: Drinking it without ice is an island tradition.

EVA: Really?

TED: You don’t say.

EVA/TED: (Fast, both point into the sky.) Look! (Both CORDELIA and MAW CAWAWKEE shade their eyes and look upward. In that second EVA and TED toss what’s left of the lemonade over their shoulders.)

CORDELIA: I don’t see anything.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Me, neither.

EVA: Ah, well, we could have been mistaken.

TED: We thought we saw a whooping crane.


8

MAW CAWAWKEE: You got mighty good eyes.

CORDELIA: More lemonade?

EVA: (She and TED gesture wildly that they don’t want any more.) No, no.

TED: One cup was enough.

EVA: More than enough. We mustn’t be greedy, must we, Teddy. (CORDELIA takes the cups. She hands the cups to MAW CAWAWKEE, who returns them to the refreshment table.)

TED: Nope. And, please, Eva. Don’t call me Teddy. I can’t bear it.

MABEL’S VOICE: (From OFF DOWN RIGHT. Angry, insistent.) Mrs. Hawkins!

LOUISE’S VOICE: (From OFF DOWN RIGHT, also angry and insistent.) We want to see you, Mrs. Hawkins!

MAW CAWAWKEE: Sounds like Miss Carpenter and Miss Russell.

CORDELIA: Lovely young women. Both nurses. We get all sorts of professional people on Kokonut Island. Doctors, nurses, dentists.

MAW CAWAWKEE: We even had a man who trained monkeys for a living. He loved to climb the trees. (MABEL and LOUISE storm IN DOWN RIGHT, both in a bad mood. MAW CAWAWKEE steps DOWN from the Hospitality Hut.)

MABEL: This is the last straw, Mrs. Hawkins.

CORDELIA: There’s a problem?

LOUISE: It’s about the water in our hut.

CORDELIA: No hot water again? I’ll have Earl see to it.

LOUISE: What do you mean, no hot water again? There’s never been any hot water.

MABEL: Now there’s no water at all. No hot water. No cold water.

CORDELIA: (Puts on her best face.) Meet Mr. and Mrs. Parker. They’ve just arrived. They’re spending their honeymoon here.

LOUISE: My sympathies.

MABEL: I’ll give them a piece of advice. (To EVA and TED.) Get off this island as fast as you can. This place shouldn’t be called Kokonut Island, it should be called Devil’s Island. (OTHERS react.)


9

LOUISE: As if the coral weren’t bad enough, the hurricane swept in all kinds of nasty floating things. The beach is impossible. I cut my foot.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Look on the bright side. You’re a nurse.

MABEL: The less said about the food the better.

LOUISE: Unless you’re fond of macaroni and cheese four times a week.

CORDELIA: You’re exaggerating, Miss Russell.

LOUISE: Okay. Three times a week.

MABEL: The plumbing is wretched. The blankets are too thin for cool nights. The service, what there is of it, terrible. There are never any extra towels.

LOUISE: Fallen trees everywhere.

CORDELIA: I didn’t plan the hurricane, Miss Russell.

MABEL: Maybe not, but you obviously don’t plan to clean up the beach.

CORDELIA: Oh, but I do.

MABEL: When?

CORDELIA: Soon.

MABEL/LOUISE: Ha!

MAW CAWAWKEE: My son is getting started on the beach tomorrow.

MABEL: We’ve heard that for the last week.

LOUISE: There are monstrous land crabs everywhere.

MABEL: Your brochure says Kokonut Island is the perfect place to meet people worth knowing. I call that fraud.

LOUISE: Our bags are packed. Please send someone to take them to the dock.

CORDELIA: (Pleads.) You can’t leave.

LOUISE: Watch.

MABEL: We saved up all year for this holiday and it’s been a disaster. We’re filing a complaint with the Miami travel agency that recommended this tropical sand pit.


10

LOUISE: We’re demanding a full refund, and if we don’t get it we’ll—

MABEL/LOUISE: Sue! (Huffily, they turn and EXIT DOWN RIGHT. They instantly RETURN.)

MABEL: (To EVA and TED.) And you can forget about ice. The ice machine is broken.

LOUISE: Along with everything else on Kokonut Island. (They EXIT. CORDELIA and MAW CAWAWKEE force themselves to smile.)

CORDELIA: A touch of sunstroke. I can always tell.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Tomorrow they’ll be bouncing about the island like beachballs.

EVA: Gee, I don’t know.

TED: They seemed awfully mad for nurses.

EVA: I thought you said drinking lemonade without ice was an island tradition. Now we find out the ice machine is broken.

CORDELIA: (Eager for them to stay.) Don’t give them another thought. (She waves them off.) Go along, children. Your hut’s ready.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Remember—look for the fake flamingo on the roof.

EVA/TED: Pink. (They EXIT RIGHT.)

CORDELIA: Miss Carpenter and Miss Russell would have to show up just as the Parkers were arriving. We can’t afford to lose any paying guests. We get so few.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Can’t Earl do anything with the ice machine?

CORDELIA: He tried. I tried. You tried. We’ve all tried.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Except Roy Boy. No sense hoping he can fix it. Remember when he tried to fix the pier and it fell into the ocean?

CORDELIA: How can I forget? The guests had to wade ashore.

BETTY’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) You make me laugh, Tom.

SUKY’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) You make me laugh, too, Tom.

TOM’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Fellow can’t help being witty around pretty girls like you two. (GIRLS giggle. The THREE ENTER. TOM is in his early twenties. Nice looking, pleasant smile. He wears a skipper’s cap. BETTY has one of his arms, SUKY has the other.)


11

BETTY: Tom just said the funniest thing.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Wha’d he say?

SUKY: Go on, Tom. Tell them.

TOM: I said I’d rather eat a lobster than be one. (BETTY and SUKY laugh. They like flattering TOM, and he likes to be flattered by pretty girls. CORDELIA and MAW CAWAWKEE aren’t amused. To them.) I didn’t think it was that bad.

CORDELIA: You’ll have to excuse Maw Cawawkee and me, Tom.

MAW CAWAWKEE: We ain’t feeling giddy.

TOM: You do look unhappy.

BETTY: What’s wrong?

CORDELIA: Miss Carpenter and Miss Russell are cutting short their stay. They’re threatening to sue.

SUKY/BETTY: Sue?!

MAW CAWAWKEE: They said some terrible things about Kokonut Island in front of them newlyweds.

SUKY: That’s awful.

TOM: I build up the island every chance I get. I’m as good as any publicity man you could hire.

CORDELIA: Thank you, Tom.

MAW CAWAWKEE: It’s appreciated.

TOM: Things will be looking up before you know it.

MILDRED: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. She is dressed in a business suit and carries an attaché case.) Hello.

OTHERS: Hello.

TOM: This lady was on the Island Grasshopper.

CORDELIA: Are you looking for accommodations?

MAW CAWAWKEE: We hope.

MILDRED: I’m looking for Cordelia Hawkins.

OTHERS: (Point.) She’s Cordelia Hawkins.

CORDELIA: Yes, I’m Cordelia Hawkins. What can I do for you?


12

MILDRED: (Sets the attaché case on the DOWN LEFT bench and moves to CORDELIA, hand outstretched.) I’m delighted to meet you, Mrs. Hawkins. I’ve heard so much about you. (They shake hands. ROY BOY ENTERS LEFT. He holds a large land crab [toy] by his fingers. He moves towards MILDRED.)

ROY BOY: Hey, everybody, lookee here.

SUKY: What you got, Roy Boy?

BETTY: Looks nasty.

ROY BOY: It’s a big ole land crab and it’s mean as all getout. (He holds it in front of MILDRED’S face.) Here, lady. Take a good look.

MILDRED: (Recoils.) Eeeeek! Take it away. Please take it away. Eeeeek!

MAW CAWAWKEE: Roy Boy, take that thing away from here. Get on down to Happy Hut. Them nurses is leaving the island.

ROY BOY: So soon?

MAW CAWAWKEE: Don’t ask questions. Just do as you’re told.

ROY BOY: You’re always picking on me, Maw. I bet them nurses would like to see this creature.

TOM: There’s one way to find out.

ROY BOY: I’m going. (Dangling the land crab, he EXITS DOWN RIGHT.) Yup. Mean as all getout.

SUKY: Please excuse my brother, lady. He’s always showing up with things like that.

CORDELIA: Both Roy Boy and my son are interested in the ocean.

MILDRED: Living on an island, I suppose they have to be.

TOM: Only natural.

MILDRED: (Back to business.) I’m Mildred Hutton. From the insurance company.

CORDELIA: Insurance company?

MILDRED: Atwater, Seawater and Float. Is there somewhere we can talk in private?

CORDELIA: Whatever you have to say you can say in front of my daughter and my friends.


13

MILDRED: (Would rather not, but agrees.) Very well. (She crosses back to the attaché case, opens it. Takes out three envelopes.)

CORDELIA: (While Mildred is getting the envelopes.) Everyone sit down. You’re making me nervous standing about.

TOM: You’re the boss. (CORDELIA stands CENTER. SUKY and BETTY sit on the bench in front of the Hospitality Hut. If there’s room, TOM will also sit on this bench. If not, he stands behind the GIRLS. MAW CAWAWKEE sits on the DOWN RIGHT bench. MILDRED shuts the attaché case.)

MILDRED: (Moves to CORDELIA.) Kokonut Island is such a unique situation that the firm thought it only courteous to come in person.

TOM: Unique?

MILDRED: An island given to the Hawkins Family, centuries ago, by the King of England for services rendered. It’s not only unique, it’s historical. There are few islands off the coast that are virtually private kingdoms. Technically, Kokonut Island is not part of the United States.

MAW CAWAWKEE: We know that.

MILDRED: The point is... we are not renewing your insurance.

OTHERS: What?!

MILDRED: And we happen to know the bank has refused you any more loans.

EARL: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, having overheard.) We were counting on bank money. Boats need repair, huts need repair. Everything needs repair after the hurricane.

MAW CAWAWKEE: The ice machine needs repair.

MILDRED: The bank feels it will never get its money back.

CORDELIA: Why do they say that? I always pay my debts.

MILDRED: Your last bank payment is overdue by seven months. It’s obvious tourists are going to other islands that can offer the luxury they seek. Condos, computers, that sort of thing. Kokonut Island is obsolete.

MAW CAWAWKEE: At least there’ll be a check for the hurricane damage.

CORDELIA: That’s what you’re bringing me, isn’t it? A check.


14

MILDRED: I’m afraid not.

OTHERS: What!

MILDRED: Hurricanes and snowstorms were not covered in your policy.

BETTY: Not covered?!

CORDELIA: I should have read the small print.

MILDRED: I doubt if you’ll get insurance from any other company. Or a loan from any other bank. Your credit rating is below sea level.

SUKY: Golly. No insurance and no money from the bank.

MILDRED: Frankly, we consider Kokonut Island a poor risk. You do realize that, unless you can satisfy the bank, it will foreclose.

EARL: You mean the bank will own Kokonut Island instead of the Hawkins Family?

MILDRED: Precisely. (Communal groan.) Here are letters from Atwater, Seawater and Float. Each one thanks you for your past business. (She hands them over.) I think that covers everything. Remember, unless the loan is repaid, Kokonut Island will belong to the Bank of Greater Miami.

OTHERS: The Bank of Greater Miami?!

MILDRED: Good day, Mrs. Hawkins. Atwater, Seawater and Float wishes you the best. Don’t get sued by anyone. Hahaha. (She gets the attaché case, EXITS DOWN LEFT.)

EARL: How do you like that?

MAW CAWAWKEE: I don’t.

CORDELIA: It was nice of Miss Hutton to come in person. (Tearfully, after a pause.) Wasn’t it? (She starts to sob. EARL and BETTY cross to their mother, try to comfort her.)

EARL: Don’t cry, Mom.

BETTY: We’ll figure a way out of this.

TOM: ’Course we will.

CORDELIA: I’d like to be by myself, if you don’t mind.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Sure that’s what you want?


15

CORDELIA: I’m sure. (Wails.) Oh, why didn’t I read the small print? (She steps into the Hospitality Hut. MAW CAWAWKEE motions that the OTHERS should leave the area. ALL EXIT RIGHT. CORDELIA sits motionless on the chair RIGHT. Takes out a hanky and dabs at her eyes. Opens the envelopes and tearfully reads the contents. SCREAMS from MABEL and LOUISE from OFF DOWN RIGHT.)

ROY BOY’S VOICE: (From OFF RIGHT.) It won’t hurt you. (More SCREAMS. CORDELIA remains lost in her thoughts. MABEL and LOUISE run IN, each carrying a piece of luggage.)

MABEL: I’m glad to say good-bye to this place!

LOUISE: Let’s get down to the pier... fast.

ROY BOY: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, still dangling the land crab.) I think it wants to bite something.

LOUISE: Let it bite you. Tell it bon appetit.

MABEL: One bite and that land crab will die of food poisoning. (She and LOUISE hurry across the STAGE and EXIT LEFT.)

ROY BOY: (Follows NURSES across STAGE. Shouts OFF LEFT.) Sorry you’re leaving. Here’s a going-away present. Courtesy of Kokonut Island. Catch! (He tosses the land crab OFF LEFT.)

LOUISE/MABEL: (OFFSTAGE LEFT.) Eeeeeek! Eeeeeek! Eeeeeek!

ROY BOY: That’s what I call fun. (He runs OFF RIGHT, mimics the screams.) Eeeeeek. Eeeeeek. Eeeeeek. (CORDELIA sorrowfully rises, crosses to desk, sits. Busies herself with paperwork.)

DORIS’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE DOWN LEFT as CORDELIA crosses to desk.) Smell the good clean fresh air.

CHIC’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE DOWN LEFT.) I’m allergic to good clean fresh air.

DORIS: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. CHIC SUTHERLAND follows IN, chomping on a giant Tootsie Roll as if it was a cigar.) You’re allergic to everything but cigar smoke.

CHIC: Where’s the harm in smoking seegars? I don’t see why the doc made me give ‘em up. These Tootsie Rolls are ruining my image. (He goes into a terrible coughing fit, almost choking. [NOTE: The scene is played as if CORDELIA can’t hear them.] CHIC is a classic Godfather type—loud jacket, outrageous tie, dark eyeglasses and wide-brimmed hat. He waves the Tootsie Roll every now and again


16

when he wishes to make some point. DORIS wears dark eyeglasses and a fur coat. Totters on high heels. Sunglasses can be eliminated at any point, if desired. You wouldn’t trust either one of them with a postage stamp.)

DORIS: Sure is hot.

CHIC: What do you expect? We’re in the tropics. Mebbe if you took off that fur coat.

DORIS: This is my lucky fur coat, Chic. It always brings me luck.

CHIC: You sure this scheme will work? (He sits on DOWN LEFT bench, chews on Tootsie Roll and fans himself with the hat.)

DORIS: It’ll work. I checked carefully. Kokonut Island is about to slip into the ocean. Financially speaking. The syndicate can pick it up for a song.

CHIC: What if this Cordelia Hawkins won’t sell?

DORIS: She’ll sell. She doesn’t have any choice. She owes money to everyone.

SWAMPY: (Slinks IN DOWN RIGHT.) Oh, look, Cap’n Barnaby. Landlubbers. (As the parrot.) Welcome to Kokonut Island. Caw, caw. (DORIS and CHIC stare, amazed by such an odd sight.)

CHIC: Who’s the geek?

DORIS: How should I know?

SWAMPY: Name’s Swampy. I ain’t no geek. I’m a three hundred year old pirate.

CHIC: Imagine.

SWAMPY: I’m retired now. I hope you’re big tippers.

CHIC: Why should we tip you? You the island bellhop?

SWAMPY: I’m the local entertainment. I tell stories about my pirating days.

DORIS: Some other time, Grandpa.

SWAMPY: (Offended.) Grandpa!

CHIC: We’re busy, Whiskers.

SWAMPY: Whiskers?

DORIS: Give him something, Chic. It’s the only way to get rid of him.


17

CHIC: (Produces and holds out a dime.) Here, Cap’n Kidd.

SWAMPY: I sailed with Cap’n Kidd.

CHIC: Yeah. Yeah.

SWAMPY: Don’t you believe me?

DORIS: Do you want the tip or not?

SWAMPY: Oh, I want it. I don’t get a salary.

CHIC: I ain’t surprised. (He tosses the dime at SWAMPY, but it hits the ground instead. SWAMPY makes a dive for it. Looks at it with astonishment.)

SWAMPY: A dime? A whole dime. All for me. (He crosses DOWN RIGHT, more than irritated by the lowly amount.) I must be the luckiest pirate on Kokonut Island. Imagine. Ten cents worth of nothin’. (He EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)

DORIS: He’s not the grateful type.

CHIC: He’s a bum.

CORDELIA: (Emotions under control, she steps from Hospitality Hut.) You must have come over on the Island Grasshopper.

DORIS: We have a yacht.

CHIC: Belongs to the syndicate.

CORDELIA: What syndicate?

DORIS: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You’re Cordelia Hawkins.

CORDELIA: That’s right. What can I do for you?

DORIS: Stand up, Chic. Show some respect.

CHIC: (Stands.) ’Scuse me. (He sticks the Tootsie Roll in his mouth.)

DORIS: Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Doris Hoyt and this is my business associate, Chic Sutherland. (CHIC has another coughing fit.)

CORDELIA: You really shouldn’t smoke.

DORIS: I’ve told him the same thing a hundred times.

CORDELIA: Aren’t you hot in that fur coat?

DORIS: It’s my lucky fur coat. I like to feel lucky. I’ll come right to the point, Mrs. Hawkins. I represent a syndicate that is most anxious to purchase Kokonut Island.


18

CORDELIA: What’s the name of this syndicate?

DORIS: I’m not allowed to divulge that information until after the sale.

CORDELIA: I’m not interested in selling.

DORIS: The syndicate will pay you a handsome price.

CORDELIA: I’m afraid you don’t understand. Kokonut Island has belonged to the Hawkins Family for generations. A gift from the English Crown. It would be like selling Rhode Island.

CHIC: We don’t want to buy Rhode Island.

DORIS: Name your own price.

CORDELIA: I’ve already told you. Kokonut Island is not for sale. (She EXITS RIGHT.)

CHIC: Tough old bird.

DORIS: I’ll soften her up. Once the syndicate has the island, we can declare it an independent country. Issue passports, launder money. Open gambling casinos. Welcome crooks who have to hide out and charge them plenty. The possibilities are endless.

CHIC: And it’ll all be legal.

CORDELIA’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) Stop it. What are you doing? I don’t understand.

SUKY’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) You’ve got to listen to Tom—

EARL’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) It’s a great idea—

BETTY’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) It’s worth a try—

EARL’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) Wait ’til you hear—

MAW CAWAWKEE’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) Tom’s a smart boy.

CHIC: Company. (He and DORIS stand DOWN LEFT in front of the bench. CORDELIA is pushed ONSTAGE by the tiny mob—EARL, BETTY, SUKY, TOM and MAW CAWAWKEE. They stand CENTER.)

CORDELIA: Stop shoving me, I say. What’s gotten into the lot of you?

BETTY: Tom’s come up with a great idea to save Kokonut Island.

SUKY: Wait ’til you hear.

CORDELIA: (Pushes them away.) Let me catch my breath. (She takes a deep breath.) I’m listening.


19

TOM: Some island countries open up medical schools. You know... for kids having a rough time getting into a med school stateside.

CORDELIA: You’re not suggesting I do something like that? It would be impossible. The expense, for one thing. (She shakes her head.) A medical school.

MAW CAWAWKEE: Hear him out, Cordelia.

TOM: Not a medical school, a high school. We could set up a boarding school on the island.

SUKY: Kids from the States would love it.

EARL: It’s a great idea.

CORDELIA: What about teachers? How are we going to pay them?

TOM: We’ll go slow. A step at a time. There’ll be a lot of tuition money flowing in. You’ll be able to pay off the bank debt and hire teachers.

SUKY: I bet we get hundreds of kids.

CORDELIA: We’ll need hundreds. You make it sound so easy.

BETTY: It is easy. It’ll work. I know it’ll work. (DORIS and CHIC don’t like the sound of this. They exchange a worried look.)

SUKY: What choice do you have, Mrs. Hawkins?

CORDELIA: (Muses.) None, I guess. But how will we get the students?

TOM: You leave that to me. I told you I’m a good publicity man. In a few weeks the money will be flowing in.

EARL: Neat as one, two, three.

CORDELIA: What will we call the school?

SWAMPY: (Fast, steps from DOWN RIGHT.) That’s easy. We’ll call it Kokonut High!

SUKY: That’s a great name for a school.

OTHERS: Kokonut High. Rah! Rah! Rah!

BLACKOUT

End Of Scene One

[NOTE: Scenes are indicated as such for rehearsal purposes. But the action should flow effortlessly from one scene to the next with only a few seconds break. Don’t lose momentum.]

End of Script Sample

PRODUCTION NOTES

ON STAGE: Three-sided hut with desk and chair, paper, pen, envelopes, clipboard on desk, dressing screen, small table with paper cups, chair, sign reading “Hospitality Hut,” three wooden benches, tropical (brightly colored) shrubs including one large enough to hide behind.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene One: Old straw hat (MAW); plastic pitcher, hanky (CORDELIA); sword, pistol, eye patch, stuffed parrot (SWAMPY); skipper’s cap (TOM); land crab [toy] (ROY BOY); attaché case containing three letters in envelopes (MILDRED); suitcase (MABEL, LOUISE); corsage (EVA); large Tootsie Roll, gangster hat, sunglasses (CHIC); fur coat, sunglasses (DORIS).

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Two: Newspaper (MICKEY).

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Three: Broom, apron (BETTY); rag (TOM); basket with fruit, luggage (ROY BOY); rag (EARL); backpacks (STUDENTS).

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Four: Black book (DORIS).

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Five: Suitcase/backpack (WALCOTT, BARBARA); pistol, sword (CAP’N KIDD).

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene One: Crutch (TED); arm sling (EVA).

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Two: Letter and envelope (VANESSA); black book (DORIS).

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Three: Holster with toy gun (SUTTON, JONES).

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Four: Black book (LYNNE); straw hat and parchment map (ROBERT); glass, dishcloth (MAW); surfboard or snorkel/scuba gear (MICKEY, BUDDY); medical bag (MABEL); steno pad and pencil (MISS WARREN, MISS HOLMES); straightjacket (TOM).

BROUGHT ON ACT TWO, Scene Five: Insurance policy (MILDRED); pirate chest with gold coins, jewels (SWAMPY, ROY BOY).

SOUND: Birds, ocean waves [optional], boat whistle or horn, thunderstorm, hand whistle, optional chase music.

COSTUMES: Whatever would be logical, as suggested by the script. MAW, ROY BOY and SUKY might look “native.” Big laugh if you can

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make TED and EVA’S clothing more and more tattered as they wander the island. For this you may need more than one costume each. SWAMPY should look like Cap’n Crunch or some cartoon pirate. CAP’N KIDD, however, should look like the real thing. Make him as much like a threatening storybook pirate as possible. Coast Guard personnel should wear uniforms, but anything that looks “Naval” will work. DORIS’S lucky fur coat can easily be switched to cloth. The straightjacket need be nothing more than a white jacket held backwards with some buckles attached. The big costume moment is when BUDDY, MICKEY and ROY BOY show up pretending to be female members of the faculty. We can assume they got the clothing from guests who left it behind. The funnier you make these costumes, the bigger the laugh. They should wear foolish hats. Instead of a wig, one might have a mop on his head, etc. One might dress like Carmen Miranda.

FLEXIBLE CASTING: Adjust to your needs. Any number of roles can be played either female or male: MILDRED could become MISTER HUTTON, WALCOTT could become WANDA. PETTY OFFICER JONES could be male. LIEUTENANT SUTTON could be female. MISS WARREN could be MISTER WARREN. MISS HOLMES could be MISTER H0LMES, etc. A minor line change here or there is all that it takes.

CAP’N KIDD’S ENTRANCE: It should be scary. Thunder, lights. Remember, CAP’N KIDD is a threat.

PIRATE CHEST: Any chest will do, but it should look as if it’s been buried for a long time. To the gold coins you can add glittering jewelry. Since the chest solves the plot’s problem, make it special. For example, when the lid flies back you might darken the scene and have flashing lights (supposedly the wealth within the chest) bounce about the stage.

PACING: This is vital. Once the play begins, the pace must never slacken. It must move. The second one scene ends the other is beginning. Avoid choppiness. Pacing is particularly important in the last scene when character after character briefly appears only to exit. Moving fast will get a laugh, moving slow won’t. There’s a lot of action in the play so watch the blocking, don’t allow any scene to “clutter.” Remember the vital rules of wacky comedy—speak loud, pick up cues, move fast and have fun!

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