free pie (a stageplay)

8/13/2019 Free Pie (a Stageplay)

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SETTING: Lavish, cluttered room with expensiveguitars littering the walls and floor;a few amps stacked into a pseudo-throne. Most furnishings are pushedagainst the wall, the home phoneburied amongst them.

AT RISE: CHRISTOPHER pours himself a glass ofabsinthe as KOWALSKI takes a seatacross the room from him, searchingfor a place to set his strangebriefcase.

KOWALSKII suppose the modern process would be to inform you via

phone, but given the circumstances, I felt that ratherinsensitive. At a time like this you shouldnt be left alone.(He removes a stack of papersfrom his briefcase)

I'm sorry, Chris, but your son's body was found a few hoursago. It appears he was murdered.

(Per his hearing aids, Christopher saysnothing.)

KOWALSKI (CONTD)(Louder)

It appears he was murdered.

CHRISTOPHERWho was?

KOWALSKIYour son.

CHRISTOPHERNo I talked with him. Earlier, I talked with him.

KOWALSKIIm terribly sorry, Chris.

CHRISTOPHERIts Christopher, Mister...?

KOWALSKI(Shuffles through papers)

Kowalski.(Pause. He reviews a document)

Chris"topher". Right. My apologies, seems I have a coupleChrises to speak with tonight.


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Stacked next to each other no less...rather bizarre. No, itappears I'm here with regard to your father. This may bedifficult for you to hear --

CHRISTOPHERSo my son is fine.

KOWALSKIId hate to assume, but I certainly hope so. However yourfather --

CHRISTOPHER(EXITING)

I need to call my wife.

KOWALSKIChristopher, please. Christopher! Your attention. I came heretonight to tell you that your father has been in the Midwestfor the last twenty years.

CHRISTOPHER(OFF STAGE)

I know, we buried him.

KOWALSKILiving in the Midwest. Not buried. Detroit. Opened a stringof small businesses deeds and registration are heresomewhere. Profitable, until an arrest a few years ago.Cigarette trafficking. After which he served two years, thentraveled out here.

(Christopher enters...

He waits for Kowalski to blink...Kowalski doesnt...)

CHRISTOPHERHes alive?

KOWALSKIWas. Hes dead now.

CHRISTOPHER...what?

KOWALSKI(louder)Hes dead now.

(The phone bursts to life with a loudring)

CHRISTOPHERBut you said he came out here --

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CHRISTOPHERWhere is he.

KOWALSKIThey punch in at 4am, hes probably in bed.

(The phone rings again.)

CHRISTOPHERWhere is my dad.

KOWALSKIIm hardly a religious man, Christopher, you may not like myanswer.

CHRISTOPHERIf he didnt die, whose body did we bury?

KOWALSKI

But he did die.

CHRISTOPHERIs he didnt die twenty years ago, who the fuck did we bury?

KOWALSKII wouldnt dwell on it. Please, consider the pie.

(Christopher marches over to theringing phone...Then marches back...Then smashes it at Kowalskis feet.

LONG SILENCE.)

CHRISTOPHERSo you showed up here without calling. And you told me my sonis dead, then told me my dad never died; that we didn't buryhim, then told me he actually is dead, but only after youtold me he traveled across the country trying to find me. Sopardon me if I don't want your fucking pie.

KOWALSKIBut its free.

CHRISTOPHERWhat is.

KOWALSKIThe pie. Its free. Its free pie.

(SILENCE. They are very small people ina very big room.)

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CHRISTOPHERWho did you say you were? Social Services? Detective?

KOWALSKIIf youre satisfied, Ill be on my way. I imagine the otherChris will want to hear about his son.

CHRISTOPHERIm not satisfied.

KOWALSKIIm so so sorry. They never send us two clients with the samename.

CHRISTOPHERWhy would I be satisfied?

KOWALSKIBefore I leave, I would feel much better about everything is

you ventured some pie.

CHRISTOPHERFuck the pie.

KOWALSKI...fffuck the pie?

CHRISTOPHERForget the pie.

KOWALSKI(Beat.)

The free one?

CHRISTOPHERWhat does free pie have to do with anything?

KOWALSKIIts my favorite.

CHRISTOPHERI DONT WANT YOUR PIE. I don't know what he looked like. Doyou understand? I don't need your pie because I'm not sad,Kowalski. Because I don't care. Should I cry? So you can

cheer me up? Fuck him. Fuck the pie. Twenty years and I don'tknow what he looked like. Okay?

KOWALSKI(Slowly removes glasses)

...did he look like this?

(DEAFENING SILENCE. Christopher staresinto him for a long time...)

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CHRISTOPHER......dad?

KOWALSKIYes, him. Do you happen to know if you looked like me? Imalways curious if one of them looks like me, but they never

do.

(LONG SILENCE.

Christopher takes the pie into hislap...He puts a large sporkful in hismouth...He chews it in his mouth...)

KOWALSKIYou see? I feel better already.

ALICE(OFF STAGE)

Chris! Chris! Answer your fucking phone...

ALICE ENTERS.

Everyone freezes. Alice surveys thescene.

ALICEWhats going on?

KOWALSKI

Let me explain. I came here tonight because your husbandneeded to hearin personthat his father has been alive thepast twenty years.

(Christopher tries to explain, but hismouth is full of pie.)

ALICEWhat the fuck is going on!

CHRISTOPHER(swallows)

My dads dead. Kowalski just came to tell me hes been alive --

(Alice marches at Christopher asKowalski retreats to his briefcase andbegins fumcling through papers.)

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ALICEChris, Isaac is missing. The whole camp has been looking forhours and they cant find him. I dont know how they keeplosing him --

CHRISTOPHER

Hes just hiding out in the woods again.

ALICEEight-year-olds dont just hide out in the woods!

CHRISTOPHEROkay fine, then they lost him.

ALICEYeah I know! Thats why I was calling you, but you didntpick up your fucking phone so I had to drive over here totell you.

CHRISTOPHERJust call me when they find him.

KOWALSKI(Holding two documents)

Excuse me... Why did you call Christopher Chris?

(Beat.)

KOWALSKIChristopher, why did she call you Chris?

ALICE

(To Christopher)Who is that?

KOWALSKI(To Alice referencingChristopher)

Who is that?(To Chris)

Are you Christopher or Chris?

CHRISTOPHERBoth.

(Kowalski looks between his papers...Then up at Christopher...)

CHRISTOPHERNo...

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KOWALSKIIm sorry, madam, but your sons body was found a few hoursago. Precise time of death unknown. Naturalcauses...unlikely.

(Christopher collapses to the floor...

Alice begins to cry...)

KOWALSKIThe proper authorities will be here shortly. You may fallprey to a barrage of questions...

(Kowalski removes another pie from hisbriefcase and places in beside hegrieving couple.)

KOWALSKI(EXITING)

Ruhbarb. Its my favorite.

KOWALSKI EXITS

Christopher and Alice weep.

THE END.

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free pie (a stageplay)

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