funnies extra midcoast maine edition 10

Midcoast Maine’s Monthly Funnies Newspaper! Your Local Source for Comics, Puzzles, Word Games, and Humor Columns! To Advertise, email [email protected] or call 557-3261 FREE!

FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | VOL 10 - DECEMBER 2012

FREE MIDCOASTEDITION

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DENNY’S RESTAURANTDenny’s gift cards make great Christmas gifts!1075 Commercial Street, Rockport, ME 04856(207) 226-0280| www.dennys.com

DUTCH CHEVYSome gifts don’t fit under the tree. 6 Belmont Avenue, Belfast, ME 04915 (Rts. 1&3)(800) 339-2468| www.dutchchevy.com

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OUR TOWN BELFASTEnjoy the personality of Belfast by shopping downtown.171 High Street, Suite #6, Belfast, ME 04915(207) 323-9100| www.ourtownbelfast.org

THOMPSON’S OIL & PROPANEWe offer gift certificates to help keep your loved ones warm.1376 Waterville Road, Waldo, ME 04915(207) 342-4040 | www.thompsonsoil.com

2 | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | VOL 10 - DECEMBER 2012

BIZ by DAVE BLAZEK OFF THE MARK by MARK PARISI CAPTION CONTEST

Congratulations to last issue’s winner, Morris, 36, of Searsport, who submitted the following caption to last issue’s contest: “See, I told you we

could not tie our neck in a knot.”. Send your best caption to this week’s contest to: [email protected] and type “Caption Contest” in the subject line. The win-ning captions will be published in the next issue with the winner’s name, age and

city with permission. Void where prohibited.

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Although young children are not prohibited, this would be a great

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no ticket fees for the Spokes and Jokes Tour. Chris is relying upon your

generosity to donate whatever you feel is fair to help him on his journey.

We look forward to seeing you there!

FAIR HAVEN CAMPS81 West Fair Haven Lane

Brooks, MaineSaturday, January 26, 2013

7:00-8:30pm

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Deadlines: Thurs during prior week of Wed circulationOffice Hours: Monday - Friday, 9-5 Eastern Time

FUNNIES EXTRA!, LLC6822 22nd Avenue North, #134, St. Petersburg, FL 33710

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© 2012 Funnies Extra!, LLC. All rights reserved.

The views and opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily those of the publisher, advertisers or employees of NachoTree Print & Digital Design. NachoTree Print & Digital Design is not responsible for any advertising errors beyond the first printing of any Display Ad. Additional contributor informa-tion can be found on the website URL’s above. Contents of this publication may not be reproduced or copied without permission from Funnies Extra, LLC.

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VOL 10 - DECEMBER 2012 | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | 3

BC by MASTROIANNI AND HART

TUNDRA by CHAD CARPENTER

EEK! by SCOTT NICKEL

HOOSIERVILLE by MARK BRAYER

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FAMILY HAIR CARE

FACT OR FICTION?

*Because heat expands the metal, the Eiffel Tower always leans away from the sun. *If you blowtorch Pepto-Bismol, you would get a hunk of metal. *Sound travels about 4 times faster in water than in air. *Approximately 70% of the earth is covered by water and only 1% of this

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IMAGINE THAT by BRIAN MARTIN STRANGER THINGS by TIM THOMSON HARA KIWI by LECTRR


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Answers from last issue’s Sudoku

THE DOOZIES by TOM GAMMILL

FRANK AND STEINWAY by WIL PANGANIBAN

FUNNY PAPER by DANIEL COLLINS

AGAINST THE GRAIN by RON THERIEN


© 2011 Daniel Collins / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

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*The average temperature at 40,000 feet above sea level is -60 F. *Out of all our senses, “smell” is most

closely linked to memory. *A ‘jiffy’ is an actualunit of time for 1/100th of a second!

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FACT OR FICTION?

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WORD FIND Birds of the WorldBY MIA VONNE

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CRANKY GIRL by CRYSTAL JONES

SQUID ROW by BRIDGETT SPICER


FUNNIES EXTRA IS PRINTED IN MAINE,KEEPING MONEY IN THE STATE

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FUTURE SHOCK by JIM & PAT McGREAL

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DINGERS by CAMPBELL & SCHOTSCH


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WIZARD OF ID by PARKER & MASTROIANNI & HART

HOLY MOLÉ by RICK HOTTON

DOGS OF C-KENNEL by MICK & MASON MASTROIANNI

HALF BAKED by RICK ELLIS



This week, Colorado is ex-periencing record heat, sustained drought, and it seems like the entire state is afl ame with forest fi res. My job is to fi nd something funny in that. Here in the mountains, we’re spoiled when it comes to weather. It’s sunny 300 days a year and it rarely gets above 80 degrees in the summer. A few years ago, a glorious fall day during a visit to Vancouver had me wondering why I didn’t live there. It was raining buckets the next morning on my way to the airport and, out of curiosity, I kept track. It rained the next 27 days straight. In Colorado, the Mental Health Hotlines get over-loaded if we have two cloudy days in a row.

My home is just not equipped to handle the heat. Like 99% of our neighbors, we don’t have air condi-tioning. I’ve tried to come up with creative ways to stay cool. Last time we went to Disneyland on a hot day, I bought each kid one of those water bottles with a battery operated fan on the top. Whenever they’d get over-heated they’d just spray a curtain of mist in the air and walk through it. Yesterday, I tried to recreate that exhilarating sensation by setting up a perimeter of fans in my home of-fi ce and squirting water at them with a spray bottle while I worked but the worrywart in me suggested that might be like using a hair dryer while taking a bath. The heat wave has reached such severity that my friends have started posting ski and winter storm photos on Facebook. It’s only June. Usually we wait until August to do that. Last night I went out to the garage and tuned my skis while sipping on a cup of hot cocoa with the door of the beer frig open.

Heat affects me like altitude af-fects fl atlanders. The common symp-toms include headache, fatigue, loss of appetite, dizziness, and sleep dis-ruption. The heat is also making me pretty cranky so I’m trying to confi ne my interactions with other humans to air conditioned spaces such as the su-permarket. I’ve found myself linger-ing in the dairy section of Safeway and wishing I was that guy that tidies up the yogurt section every morning. Yesterday I caught myself gazing

Beaten by

Jim Lein

Open Mouth,Insert Foot


THE OTHER COAST by ADRIAN RAESIDE

RALF THE DESTROYER by SCOTT LINCOLN

SUNSHINE STATE by GRAHAM NOLAN

PICKLES by BRIAN CRANE

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y the Heatjealously at the route driver pushing a cart of ice into the store. Next door, the owner of the liquor store chased me out because I kept nagging him to let me restock the beer coolers. At home, if things are getting feisty amongst family members I escort the combatants out to the driveway and lock them in the idling Subaru with the thermostat set at sixty-two until they hash things out.

Pet lethargy is a serious conse-quence of a heat wave. Think about it—you don’t go to the zoo on a hot day. When you go to all the best ex-hibits—the lions, tigers, and bears—all you see is a tail or two sticking out from behind a tree trunk back in the shadiest corner. You know it’s hot when the monkeys barricade themselves in the polar bear enclo-sure. Here at home, the pets are re-ally struggling. Usually they stam-pede to the kitchen the second I roll out of bed. Today it was so hot that I had to pick each of them up, one by one, carry them to the kitchen, and lay them down next to their dishes. Skitty, the ornery cat, has a pink bowl with ‘Killer’ printed on it. I’ve tem-porarily taped a piece of paper over it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’. The dogs are peeing into empty Coke bottles instead of going outside. If you put GPS tracking devices on each of my fi ve pets their combined movement for the day would total about seven-teen feet.

The sun is going down now so I sequestered the cats in the bedroom and fl ung open all the windows in the rest of the house. As the breeze blows through and desperately seeks to cool down the house I’m recalling those wonderful summer evenings growing up in rural Minnesota. I imagine that the scent of distant for-est fi res carried by the wind is actu-ally the aroma of fresh cut hay. Back then, we had heat AND humidity and never had air conditioning and wouldn’t dreamed of complaining. My daughter just turned on the oven to bake a potato. I was just about to chew her out—chastising her to cook it in the microwave instead—but I caught myself. After all, the heat does make me cranky. I’m headed down the hall to join the cats in the bedroom, remembering that if you can’t stand the heat…get out of the kitchen.

Jim Lein writes about adventure, life, mu-sic, and parenthood for lifestyle magazines including Colorado Serenity and Mountain Ga-zette. His home in the Colorado Rockies serves both as an offi ce and as a base camp for a vari-ety of outdoor and musical activities.

On the side, he makes his living writing about how companies employ software to im-prove business performance. He has been pub-lished in numerous trade journals and business magazines.


I fi nd myself oft en competing with someone I’ve never met.

Th ere are very few things I do in my life during which I don’t imagine how this gentleman might do them better.

For example, if he published Funnies Extra, his humor columns would be so funny that reader tears and mucus would be spread across the page. Th e paper would break re-cords for popularity, becoming more widely consumed than television, the internet or chocolate.

He probably would not drive a car like mine, but if he did, when it broke down he wouldn’t take it to the garage. He would rightly suggest that the problem is because of the timing belt. Th en, aft er searching through the trunk, he would emerge with a fresh one that he had brought along just in case. And it would smell like lemon, because he would marinate it in lemon juice the night before so he could enjoy the pleasing aroma while repairing the car, if such a need arose.

His mind would be full of useful information. He would always be able to spell a word when asked, and off er its etymology and French, Latin

and Klingon translations.His body would be remarkable.

He would sometimes have up to 1% body fat, but only when holding a package of bacon in his hand. He could dunk a basketball blindfolded without a running start. He could somehow run a 5-minute mile in only three minutes and would never smell stinky when he sweats.

You see, he marinates his head-band in lemon the night before.

Morally, he would be completely unselfi sh, opening doors for people, then carrying them through with his mighty arms. He would donate to charities without telling anyone. He would not only visit people in hospitals, but also in laundromats and libraries. Honestly, this prob-ably would freak people out, but he wouldn’t let that bother him, as he waited until they needed him to car-ry them out of the building with his powerful, lemon-scented arms.

Nobody would ever be sure why they smelled that way, but they all would agree that the scent is delight-ful.

He would be a much better father to my children than I am, taking my son hunting and gently instructing him in car repair and teaching him Latin. My daughter would adore him, one day looking forward to marrying a man so similarly blessed in the skills of publishing free news-papers that she would always feel se-cure.

And he would always know what my wife was thinking. Mostly, it would just be about the disappoint-ment she feels for all of the other

women who must be married to less-er men - men who know nothing of his charm and who smell very little like lemon.

He would approach his home romantically aft er returning from work, always rain-soaked like Mr. Darcy, regardless of the weather. He would then enter the dwelling, rub-bing his wife’s feet with one hand and using the other to prepare a sensibly healthy, yet exotic meal to eat by can-dlelight.

Th e possible existence of this man is a concern of mine. If he was to en-ter my world, I would live in constant fear of him taking my wife, adopting my children and possibly eating the rest of my Cocoa Krispies.

It is not healthy for me to live with such fear.

Th e easiest thing I can do is just put it out of my mind. Howev-er, that is not t h e o n l y weap-on in my ar-senal.

As a d e v o t e d c o n s u m -er of Funnies Extra, one with perseverance enough to have endured almost to the end of this ridiculous piece of writing, might I ask you a favor?

If you smell this gentleman ap-

proaching the Waldo or Knox Coun-ty areas, please cleverly divert his attention in some zany and eff ective way.

He must not enter my reality.But be warned. He is entirely clev-

er, powerful and charming. I am not responsible if you get seriously hurt or fall in love.

I wish you the best on your ef-forts, and thank you in advance for supporting my eff orts to be the best I can be without needing to actually improve.

Playing Second Fiddle to

Someone Who Does Not Exist

by Chris Quimby

Chris Quimby is a husband, father, and publisher of Funnies Extra in Maine. A graphic designer and standup comedian, Chris has over ten years experience in the print industry. Chris and his wife, Heather, are excited to offer Funnies Extra to Maine, offering a fun and attractive departure from the norm. Chris can be reached at [email protected] or facebook.com/ChrisQuimby

A Message from the Publisher Guy

Stover Boy’sAuto

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Downtown Belfast | Open Every Day! | Downtown BelfastCOLBURN SHOE STORE | 338.1934

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© 2Copyright B&L Capital / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

HOXWINDER HALL by DANIEL BORIS

15 MINUTES by ROBERT DUCKETT


© 2011 Robert Duckett / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

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*Did you know that Stannous fl uoride, which is the cavity fi ghter found in toothpaste, is made from recycled tin? *When you walk down a steep hill, the pressure on your knees is

equal to three times your body weight. *The human brain is 80% water.

FACT OR FICTION?

REACH 6,000+ READERS PER MONTH IN FULL COLOR FOR

SEND US YOUR COLOR BUSINESS CARD AND RECEIVE AN ADVERTISING SPOT IN FUNNIES EXTRA FOR AS

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CRIME-QUIZ by WERNER WEJP-OLSEN THIN LINES by Randy Glasbergen


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207.722.3023

Contact Funnies Extra Headquartersfor information on starting your own lucrativeFunnies Extra! publishing business. Hurry!

Limited licensing opportunities availablein select territories across the U.S. and Canada.

For details, go to: www.funnies-extra.com.

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For answers, visitfunnies-extra.com/puzzles.php

1 2 3 4

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es.co.uk

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LAST MONTH’S ANSWERS

© 2011 Sheila Anderson / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

CHUCK DOWNS Cartoonist

Haikus amuse meBut sometimes can confuse me

Refrigerator

I always fi nd random things in my pockets at the end of the day: paper clips, gum wrappers, dry cleaning receipts and the ever-present lint. These drawings are what’s left in my head when the day is done: the random “pocket lint” of my brain.

Chuck Downs is a carbon-based form of cartoonist who lives in Florida with his wife and two children. By day, he is vice president of marketing for a company that clearly does not conduct very thorough background checks. By night, he fi ghts crime. Now that he is old-er, his experience only walks the gamut for fear of pulling a ham-string. He often “misuses” quota-tion marks, and likes to frequently split his infi nitives.

Funnies Extra! will feature at least four straight issues of comic strips and panels from aspiring, non-syndicated cartoonists. Comic strips or

cartoon panels may be published from cartoonists of any age, with a short

bio. For submission guidelines and information,go to: www.funnies-extra.com/submissions. Send each furnished strip as a

PDF fi le along with your name, age, address and phone number. Send 5 to 10 color submissions to: [email protected] and type “Spotlight” in the subject line.Good luck and have fun! (participation void where prohibited)

HOLLYWEIRD by MARK SIMON


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Quimby Appraisal Right of Way ServiceS LLC

21 Quimby RoadBrooks, ME [email protected] 207.722.3247 (phone, fax)207.557.3201 (cell)

Certified General AppraiserCertified Maine Assessor

Ray Quimby

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MARK SIMON Producer/Director/Cartoonist

Mark Simon is 25-year fi lm & TV veteran amassing over 3,000 production credits including animation producer on Larry the Cable Guy’s latest movie, Tooth Fairy 2. His storyboard and animation companies, www.Storyboards-East.com, have included clients such as Disney, Uni-versal, Viacom, Sony, HBO, Nickelodeon, FOX, Steven Spielberg, USA Networks, ABC Tele-vision and many others. His experience selling original TV series lead to his founding www.SellYourTvConceptNow.com to mentor other creators. He is also the author of ten popular industry texts, and lectures around the world at major conferences, entertainment trade schools and universities.

POCKET LINT by CHUCK DOWNS


ACROSS1 Clawed 69 Well aware of 27 Part of a dovetail

crustacean 70 Poetic lament 28 Playful prank5 Get used to 71 Parched 29 Sub locator

10 Spirit 31 Salute with 14 New Haven DOWN spirits

school 1 Dermatology 32 Come after15 Gillis of 60's TV concern 33 Prevent16 Second to 2 10K, e.g. 36 Work of fiction

____ (tops) 3 Medicinal herb 39 Handel piece17 Gift-wrapper's 4 Not quite best 41 Bridal wish list

need 5 Follower 44 Mideast leader19 Winter forecast 6 Braille bit 46 Japanese-20 Sprout canines 7 "This guy walks American21 Not talkative into ____..." 49 Women's cloth-23 Money in Malta 8 Peter in a tongue ing category25 Update twister 51 Facebook 26 First-string 9 Move unsteadily update

players 10 Settle snugly 53 Kidney-related30 Signed a lease 11 Word in Texas' 55 Dunderhead34 Slammer nickname 56 Neck-and-neck35 ____ a high note 12 Soon, in poems 57 Animal hide37 Scottish biscuit 13 Small 58 Alleviate38 Do-others link salamander 60 Pull one over on40 Domingo, for one 18 Skydiver's need, 61 Olfactory 42 Right on the briefly assault

map? 22 Mid-month day 62 Cowboy Autry43 Wavy design 24 Judge's shout 65 Cribbage piece45 Bird in a Poe 26 Surf suds

poem47 Grafton of

mystery48 Pitch a tent50 Till holder52 Stadium level54 Santa checks

his twice55 Involuntary exile59 Seasoned sailor63 CBer's signoff64 Lack of skill66 Sandwich shop67 Stun gun68 Second word in

many fairytales

The Weekly Crossword

Answer to Last Week's Crossword

by Margie E. Burke

Copyright 2012 by The Puzzle Syndicate

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

14 15 16

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26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33

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38 39 40 41 42

43 44 45 46 47

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F I F T H D E F E RM I N A R E T B E L O V E DE N S N A R E O C A R I N AR A T P O N T O O N D E WG N A T N O I S Y L E W DE C L A T N E T F I N A LR E L I E F R E S E T T L E

L A I R R U D ES E M E S T E R B U R G E RT R I N E P E A P A R S ER E N D G R I N D L A S TA L E P O I N T E R T E AT O R S I O N I C E R I N KA N A P E S T C A D E N C E

G L A D E L O D G E

THE DEEP END by TYSON COLESPECTICKLES by BILL ABBOTT


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The Whatever Loan canbe used for

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Need heating fuel for the upcoming season?

Call or stop in for our special Fuel Loan Program.

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Answers to last month’s crossword

207.217.2534cdcomputerroom.com | [email protected]

Repair/Troubleshooting

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Software Installation

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