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FUNNY FUNNY QUOTESQUOTESPPP BY MAGAFIRPPP BY MAGAFIR

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God heals and the doctor takes the God heals and the doctor takes the fee--Benjamin Franklinfee--Benjamin Franklin

• State the purpose of the discussion

• Identify yourself

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There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. I don't make jokes. I just watch government working for you. I don't make jokes. I just watch

the government and report the facts.--Will Rogersthe government and report the facts.--Will Rogers

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"Isn't it interesting that the same people "Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to who laugh at science fiction listen to

weather forecasts and economists?"--- weather forecasts and economists?"--- Kelvin ThroopKelvin Throop

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"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."--- "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."--- Mark TwainMark Twain

"You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake."--Bob Hope

"If you can't convince them, confuse them.” Harry S. Truman

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"The only difference between doctors and lawyers "The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors

rob you and kill you, too."-Anton Chekhovrob you and kill you, too."-Anton Chekhov

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"The (British) Labor Party's election "The (British) Labor Party's election manifesto is the longest suicide note in manifesto is the longest suicide note in

history."--Greg Knighthistory."--Greg Knight

• "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."—Marie corelli

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"An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: "An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."-- the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."--

Agatha ChristieAgatha Christie

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"Women will never be as successful as men "Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them."-- because they have no wives to advise them."--

Dick Van DykeDick Van Dyke

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"Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all him how to fish and you get rid of him all

weekend."-- Zenna Schafferweekend."-- Zenna Schaffer

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I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.--Bob HopeI thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.--Bob Hope

I am a typed director. If I made Cinderella, the audience would immediately be looking I am a typed director. If I made Cinderella, the audience would immediately be looking for a body in the coach.--Alfred Hitchcockfor a body in the coach.--Alfred Hitchcock

• A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.--Sir Winston Churchill

• The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.--W. C. Fields

• My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.--Rodney Dangerfield

•

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The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same enemies; probably because they are generally the same

people.--Gilbert K. Chestertonpeople.--Gilbert K. Chesterton

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.--Rodney Dangerfield

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.--Joan Rivers

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.--H.L.Mencken

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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.--Henny Youngmanholidays.--Henny Youngman

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"--Henny "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"--Henny Youngman Youngman

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."--Henny here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."--Henny

YoungmanYoungman

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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.--Milton Berledoor.--Milton Berle

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.--Rossanne Barr

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.--Jack Benny

Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella--Mae West

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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.--Oscar Wildego.--Oscar Wilde

• Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.--Steven Wright.

• I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.--Woody Allen

• The way to become famous fast is to throw a brick at someone who is famous.--Walter Winchell

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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in

the dog.--Mark Twainthe dog.--Mark Twain • Always go to other people's

funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.--YOGI Berra

• I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep.--George Best

• My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.--Hary S.Trueman

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You can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war You can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war they kill you in a new way.--Will Rogersthey kill you in a new way.--Will Rogers

• Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.--Will Rogers

• Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.--Ambrose Bierce

• Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.--Erma Bombeck

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To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day

be president of the United States.--George W. Bushbe president of the United States.--George W. Bush

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.--Lilly Tomlin

The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning.--Adlai Stevenson

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.--George Bernard Shaw

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Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a

mistake.--Napoleon Bonapartemistake.--Napoleon Bonaparte

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.--Will Rogers

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.--Ambrose Bierce

"When I gave food to the poor, they called me a saint. When I asked why the poor were hungry, they called me a communist."--D.H.Camara

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"A diplomat is a man who remembers a lady's birthday but "A diplomat is a man who remembers a lady's birthday but

forgets her age."--Anonymousforgets her age."--Anonymous • "Men marry because they are tired;

women because they are curious. Both are disappointed."--Oscar Wilde

• "The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character."--Peter Devries

• "The road to success is filled with women pushing their husbands along."--Thomas R. Dewar

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"I don't know the key to success, but the key "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."--Bill to failure is to try to please everyone."--Bill

CosbyCosby •

Oscar Wilde's Quotations

• "A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction."

• "A true friend stabs you in the front."

• "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

• "Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much."

• "As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied."

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"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some

hire PR officers."--Daniel J. Boorstinhire PR officers."--Daniel J. Boorstin..• "Committee - a group of

men who keep minutes and waste hours."- M. Berle.

• "Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law."- Hubert Humphrey.

• "You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try." - Homer J. Simpson.

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"A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and "A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and

watches the audience."--Merv Stockwoodwatches the audience."--Merv Stockwood..• "In the business world an

executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything."--Harold Coffin.

• "A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth."--Patrick Murray.

• "If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem."--JP Getty.

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"I can resist everything except "I can resist everything except temptation."--OSCAR WILDEtemptation."--OSCAR WILDE

• "My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more."--Walter Matthau.

• "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."--Charles Lamb.

• "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."--Groucho Marx.

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"Death is nature's way of telling you "Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down."--Dick Sharplesto slow down."--Dick Sharples..

• "An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."--Edgar Wallace.

• "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."--Ellen DeGeners.

• "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."--WOODY ALLEN

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" A good novel tells us the truth about it's hero; but a bad " A good novel tells us the truth about it's hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author."--G. K. Chestertonnovel tells us the truth about its author."--G. K. Chesterton

• "Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?"--Carrie Snow

• " If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut."-- Albert Einstein

• "Every murderer is probably somebody's old friend."-- Agatha Christie

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"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the "In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the

decision maker."--Woody Allendecision maker."--Woody Allen • "I've had bad luck with both my

wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."--Patrick Murray

• "No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas."--Ashleigh Brilliant

• "This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."--George Burns.

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"Everything is funny as long as it is "Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."--Will happening to somebody else."--Will

RogersRogers• "In Mexico an air conditioner is

called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well."-- Len Deighton

• "In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards."-- Mark Twain

• "Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."--Albert Einstein

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THANKS A LOT--MAGAFIRTHANKS A LOT--MAGAFIR