funny sports quotes vol 1

Sports eBooks www.sportsebooks.com

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Volume 1

www.sportsebooks.com

A Collection of the Funniest

Sporting Quotes from Some of Our

Greatest Sporting Legends

http://www.sportsebooks.com


General Information

Title: Funny Sports Quotes – Volume I

Author: David Horne, BSc (Sp. Med), MHExSc.

First Published: 2004

Revised and Updated Digital Edition (eBook): 2011

Composed and published by: SportseBooks.com and with the assistance of

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Did I Really Say That?

To be the best you need to learn from the best! And the best way to do that is to listen to

what the most successful athletes, coaches and administrators say in their own words.

However, sometimes these champions just say things that don’t come out the way that

they wanted them to. And sometimes these champions say things that are just down

right hilarious especially when they don’t know why people are laughing at them!

Along with reading those great inspirational quotes, it has always been enjoyable

reading those “not so great” quotes. It is often the funniest quotes that you remember the

most.

Read through these quotes and think about the context that they were said in and then

think about the way that the person who said the quote has to dig themself out of a deep

hole. This collection of quotes comes from a wide range of athletes, coaches and media

from sports all around the world.

Enjoy reading these quotes and you hopefully you won’t end up in this book of funny

quotes one day!

I love reading funny quotes and after reading this collection of quotes I hope that you will

too! There is always a lighter side to even the most hardened and toughest of athletes.

All the best in your sporting careers and we will see you at the top of your mountain!

David HorneFounder: www.SportseBooks.com

Founder: www.eBooksInternational.co

Founder: www.GlobalTennisCoaching.com


http://www.ebooksinternational.co


“One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,

Before each tee-shot,

His wife takes out his balls and kisses them.

Oh my God, what have I just said?”

Golf CommentatorUnites States TV


“I Owe a Lot to My Parents,Especially My Mother and Father.”

Greg NormanAustralian Golf Champion


“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in

boxing- but none of them serious.”

Alan MinterBoxer


“This is a really a lovely horse,

I once rode her mother.”

Ted WalshHorse Racing Commentator


Golf and sex are the only things you canenjoy without being good at them!

Jimmy DemaretHall of Fame Golfer


'Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel –

A Mecca for tourists.'

David VineBBC Commentator


'He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it -

you can see it all over their faces.'

Ron AtkinsonFootball Pundit


‘Well, either side could win it,

or it could be a draw.'



'If you'd offered me a 69 at the

Start this morning

I'd have been all over you.'

Sam TorranceGolfer


‘….....and later we will have action from themen's cockless pairs ...’

Sue BarkerSports Commentator


“The racecourse is as levelas a billiard ball.”

John FrancombeJockey


'A fascinating duel between 3 men...'

David ColemanBBC Commentator talking about the hammer throw competition


'The lead car is absolutely unique, exceptfor the one behind it which is identical.'

Murray WalkerFormula One Motor Car Racing Commentator


“There are the boys, their balls between their legs.”

Amanda RedingtonGMTV


'In cycling, you can put all your money on one horse.'

Stephen RocheEurosport Television


“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at

the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.”

Murray WalkerFormula One Motor Car Racing Commentator


'Julian Dicks is everywhere.It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

Metro RadioFootball


'I'd like to play for an Italian club,

like Barcelona.'

Mark DraperAston Villa Footballer


“These greens are so fast theymust bikini wax them.”

Gary McCordCommenting on the golf greens in Atlanta


“Batistuta gets most of his

goals with the ball.”

Ian St JohnFootball Player


“Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds

- totally against the run of play.”

Peter LorenzoFootball “Pundit”


“We actually got the winner three minutes from

the end but then they equalized.”

Ian McNailFootballer


“It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams)

to own up.”

Ian WrightCommenting on His Team Mate's Alcoholism


"I don't like to see players tossed off needlessly"

Andy GrayFootball Player


"When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1"

Lawrie McMenemyManager of Southampton Football Club


"The beauty of Cup football is that Jack

always has a chance of beating Goliath"

Terry ButcherFootball Player


"If you stand still there is only one way to go,

and that's backwards"

Peter ShiltonEngland Goalkeeper


"And Farmer has now scored 19 goals, exactlydouble the number he scored last season"

Garry LyonAustralian Football Commentator


"I would not be bothered if we

lost every game as long as we

won the league"

Mark VidukaAustralian Soccer Player


"Statistics are like miniskirts:

They give you good ideas but hide the important things"

Ebbe SkovdahlDanish Football Manager


"When Manchester United are at

their best I am close to orgasm"

Gianluca VialliSoccer Player


"Winning doesn't really matter

as long as you win"

Vinny JonesFormer Chelsea Football Player


"Despite the rain, it's still raining

Here at Old Trafford"

Jimmy HillBBC Sports


“He's pulling him off!The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!”

George Hamilton commenting on Spain’s manager Luis Suarez's substitution of

Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland


'Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times

ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.'

David ColemanAthletics Commentator


'For those of you watching in black and white,

Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.'

John MotsonBBC Sports


Dennis Pennis asks boxer Chris Eubank the following question during aninterview:

'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'

Chris Eubank: 'On what?’


'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge

president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.'

Harry CarpenterBBC TV Commentating on a Boat Race in 1977


"It took me seventeen years to get three

thousand hits in baseball.

I did it in one afternoon playing golf."

Hank AaronBaseball Player


"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym

instructors got together and said:

If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it

jumping up and down."

Rita Rudner


'And Nakano tries to avoid being passed by his team-mate

Trulli, which should in fact be quite easy, because Trulli is

going more slowly than his team-mate Nakano.'

Murray WalkerFormula One Motor Racing Car Commentator


'I always used to put my right boot on first,and then obviously my right sock.'

Barry VenisonITV


'Without being too harsh on David,

he cost us the match.'

Ian WrightITV


"My parents have been there for me,ever since I was about 7."

David BeckhamEnglish Soccer Player


"I think Sheffield Wednesday are a very poor

football team. They are like a man who's got

diarrhoea who can't get his trousers down"

Rodney MarshAustralian Cricket Player


"Is the Pope Catholic. No I'm serious, is he? I really need to

know" - when asked if he might be moving to AS Roma



“The ref was vertically 15 yards away.”

Kevin KeeganFootball Player


"Diego Maradona - a flawed genius who has

now become a genius who is flawed"

Bob WilsonArsenal Manager


"Now you see me, now you don't.

George thinks he will, but I know he won't!"

Boxing Champion Muhammad Ali taunting George Foreman


"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if

I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

North Carolina State basketball player Chuck Nevitt, explaining to coach JimValvano in 1982 why he appeared nervous at practice.


Frank Layden, Utah Jazz basketball president commenting on a formerplayer:

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you.Is it ignorance or apathy?'

Player: “Coach, I don't know and I don't care."


"The immortal Jackie

Milburn died today"

Cliff MorganWelsh Rugby Union Player


"We're definitely going to get Brooklyn christened,

but we don't know into which religion!"



"If at first you don't succeed

….... So much for skydiving."

Henry YoungmanComedian


"Monica Seles - I'd hate to be next

door to her on her wedding night."

Peter UstinovNews/TV


“It was the fastest-ever swim over

that distance on American soil.”

Greg PhillipsPortsmouth News


“It's amazing how, in this part of the world,history has been part of its past.”

David DuffyEurosport


When asked on the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and livingin a foreign country:

“It was like being in a foreign country.”

Ian RushFormer Liverpool Footballer


"The underdogs will startfavourites for this match"

Anthony HudsonAustralian Football Commentator


'Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental

arithmetic with a calculator.'

John ArlottCricket Commentator


"Germany are a very difficult team to

play...they had 11 Internationals out

there today"

Steve LomasWest Ham United


'They've picked their heads up off theground and they now have a

lot to carry on their shoulders.'



"If you were in the Brondby dressing room

right now, which of the Liverpool players would

you be looking at?"

Ray StubbsBBC Sports


"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've everhad at this level. Well, he's the only managerI've actually had at this level. But he's thebest manager I've ever had"



"They called it golf because allthe other four letter words were taken."

Walter HagenBritish Open Golf Champion


"I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing

and the shadow won."

Muhammad AliBoxing Legend


'Chile have three options - theycould win or they could lose.'



'I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the

same today,

except that it's completely different.'



'Street hockey is great for kids. It's energetic,

competitive, and skilful.

And best of all it keeps them off the street.'

Radio 1 Newsbeat


“England has the best fans in the world

and Scotland's fans are second-to-none.”



'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to

hang in the air even longer.'

David AcfieldFootball Player


Shelby Metcalf, the basketball coach at Texas A&M recalling what he told

one of his players who received four F's and one D on a report card:

"Son, looks to me like you're spendingtoo much time on one subject."

Shelby MetcalfBasketball Coach


We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees!

Jason KiddAmerican Basketball Player


"Michael Chang has all the fire and passion of a

public service announcement, so much so that he

makes Pete Sampras appear fascinating."

Alex Ramsey


'If history repeats itself, I should think

we can expect the same thing again.'

Terry VenablesFormer England Football Team Manager


'I've never had major knee surgery onany other part of my body.'

Winston BennettBasketball Player


'What will you do when you leave football Jack?Will you stay in football?'

Stuart HallRadio


“Ian Mackie is here to prove his

back injury is behind him.”

Spar Athletics Commentator


'Batistuta is very good at

pulling off defenders.'



"Well, I can play in the centre, on the right andoccasionally on the left side" - when asked if he thought

that he was a volatile player.

David BeckhamEnglish Football Player


Reporter: Shaquille, did you visit the Parthenon during yourvisit to Greece?

"I can't really remember the names of all theclubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'NealBasketball Player


"Nobody in football should be called a genius.

A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Joe TheismannNFL Football Player and T.V. Commentator


'Her legs are kept tightly together,

She’s giving nothing away.'

Anon.Gymnastics T.V. Commentator


'Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan,who turned 20 a few weeks ago.'

David ColemanOlympic Games Commentator


'There goes Juantorena down the back straight,

opening his legs and showing his class.'

David ColemanOlympic Games Commentator


"We didn't underestimate them.They were a lot better than we thought."

Bobby RobsonFootball Manager


“…… and Ray Illingworth is relievinghimself in front of the pavilion.”

John ArlottCricket Commentator


“Moreano thought that the full back was gonna

come up behind and give him one really hard.”



'I wouldn't be surprised if this game

went all the way to the finish.'

Ian St JohnTV Presenter


This was Chicago Cub’s outfielder Andre Dawson’s response when being asked

about being a role model:

"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me.I want all the kids to copulate me."


"You guys line up alphabetically by height."

Bill PetersonFlorida State Football Coach


'Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman.'

Brian Moore


'The swimmers are swimming

out of their socks.'

Sharon DaviesBBC Commentator


"If one synchronised swimmer drowns,do all the rest have to drown too?"

Steven WrightComedian


"You watch the pit lane

while I stop the start watch..."

Murray WalkerMotor Sport Commentator


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"Frazier is so ugly he should donate his

face to the US Bureau of Wild Life."

Muhammad AliBoxing Great


"If you even dream of beating me you'd

better wake up and apologize."



“It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball.

I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.”

Hank AaronBaseball Player


"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... I saw her

snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Pat GlennSports Commentator (weightlifting)


He's usually a good puller - but he couldn'tget it up that time.

Ritchie BenaudAustralian Cricket Commentator


"A verbal contract isn't worth

the paper it's written on"

Samuel GoldwynMedia


“Honey, I Forgot to Duck.”

JackDemsey talking to his wife after he

just lost the 1926 World Heavyweight Title


Zero - zero is a big score!



"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when

Darryl Gibson comes inside of him"

Murray MextedNZ Rugby commentator


Ardiles strokes the ball like it is

part of his own anatomy!

Jimmy MageeRTE


That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on.

JOHN LAMBIE responds when told a concussed striker

did not know who he was after getting hit.

Partick Thistle manager


Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.

Brian Moore


This is an unusual Scotland sidebecause they have good players

Javier ClementeCoach of Spanish Football Team


"You guys pair up in groups of three,

then line up in a circle."

Bill Peterson

Football Coach at Florida State


"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As generalmanager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Pat WilliamsOrlando Magic Basketball General Manager, 1992

Commenting on his team's 7-27 record:


“I'm disappointed, but I'm not going to run aroundlike Dennis Rodman and head-butt somebody.”

Greg NormanAnswering a reporter’s question after giving up a six shot lead

at the Masters Golf Tournament


“We actually got the winner three minutesfrom the end but then they equalized.”

Ian McNailFootballer


“We'll still be happy if we lose.

It's on at the same time as

the Beer Festival”

Noel O' MahoneyCork City Boss Commenting Before the Game


“I would not say he is the best left winger in thePremiership, but there are none better.”

Ron AtkinsonFootball Pundit Talking about David Ginola


“Her time is about 4.33,which she's capable of.”

David Coleman


'Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride,

Everybody saw that'

Desmond LynamBBC horse racing commentator


"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room,get out of the kitchen"

Tony ShawAustralian Football Player


When Bob Costas asked Oiler’s football coach Bum Phillips why

he always takes his wife on the road trips, Phillips replied:

"Because she is too damnUgly to kiss goodbye!"


“The Germans only have one player under 22,And he's 23!”

Kevin KeeganEnglish Football Player


"They didn't change positions,

They just moved the players around!"

John Sammy NewmanChannel 9 Football Commentator


"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor.The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuringyour brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Ray Forsythe - Clemson football playerCommenting about why he was ineligible as a freshman because of academicrequirements


"Show me a man who is a good loser

and I'll show you a man who is

playing golf with his boss."

Jim Murray


"I went to a fight the other night and ahockey game broke out."

Rodney Dangerfield


Whenever I feel like exercising Ilie down until the feeling passes!

Robert M. Hutchins


If you are going to throw a club, it is important

to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so

you don't have to waste energy going back to

pick it up.

Tommy Bolt


When a question was asked of boxing promoter Dan Duva

about Don King managing Mike Tyson again he replied:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?

He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."


Boxing is a lot of white men watching twoblack men beat each other up.



"If women were meant to play football,

God would have put their tits

somewhere else."

Gordon Sinclair


If you think it's hard to meet new people, trypicking up the wrong golf ball.

Jack Lemmon


Don't park in the spaces marked,

"Reserved for Umpires."

John McSherry


When asked why he keeps a color photo of himself justabove his locker:

Chicago Blackhawks Hockey Star Stu Grimson said:

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, Ican still find my &%@*%#& clothes."


When someone asked Texas Football Coach, Darrell Royal, if the abnormal

number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical

conditioning:

Royal replied:

"One player was lost because he broke his nose.

How do you go about getting a nose in condition for

football?"


In 1991, Steve Spurrier, told Florida Gator fans that a fire at

Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:

He then said: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been

coloured yet."

Steve SpurrierFlorida University Football Coach


Most football players are temperamental. That's

ninety percent temper and ten percent mental.

Doug Plank


Playing football in the morning is like

eating cabbage for breakfast.

Press


Hawaii doesn't win many

games in the United States.

Lee CorsoCollege Football Commentator


Let's face it, you have to have a slightly recessive gene that

has a little something to do with the brain to go out on the

football field and beat your head against other human

beings on a daily basis.

Tim Green


When asked about what it would take for him to leave

Essendon Football Club from his current position as an

assistant coach; Mark Harvey replied:

“I won’t leave unless I’m offered a Head Job from

someone else!”

Mark HarveyAssistant Football Coach - EFC


Cricket commentator Mark Nicholas was interviewing Australian spin bowler

Shane Warne about his bowling technique.

Nicholas asked Warne how he puts a certain spin on the ball.

Warne relied by saying that you have to cock your wrist a little more.

Nicholas then responded by saying “so you need a bit more cock in your hand to

get the ball to do that!”

Both paused for a second and then continued as they knew that it was a PG

rated show.


Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's.

Movement and positioning"



"You're about as useful as a one-leggedman at an arse kicking contest."

Rowan Atkinson


"It's raining and the track is wet!"

James Allen


"And he's lost both right front tires."

James Allen


"Baseball is 90% mental –

The other half is physical."

Yogi BerraBaseball Great


"In Russia, if a male athlete loses

he becomes a female athlete."

Yakov Smirnoff


I spent 90% of my money on women and drink.

The rest I wasted!

George BestChampion English Football Player


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Mental Training for the Sports Mind – Your Winning Mindset

This series is built on establishing a winning mindset. Each eBook has been written with these

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Sports Covered:

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Football / Soccer

Australian Football

American Football / Gridiron

Golf

Basketball

Netball

Baseball

Softball

Cricket

Triathletes

Running

Cycling

Volleyball

Swimming

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sports psychology.



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