CHAPTECHAPTER 12R 12

Relationships in Relationships in Early & Middle Early & Middle

AdulthoodAdulthood

LoveLove 3 Basic 3 Basic

ComponentsComponents::PassionPassionIntense physiological Intense physiological desire for someonedesire for someoneIntimacyIntimacyFeeling you can share Feeling you can share all your thoughts & all your thoughts & actions with anotheractions with anotherCommitmentCommitmentWillingness to stay with Willingness to stay with a person through good a person through good & bad times& bad times

Love Through Love Through AdulthoodAdulthood Early on, passion is highEarly on, passion is high

Intimacy & commitment are lowIntimacy & commitment are lowThis is This is infatuationinfatuationIntense, physically based relationship in which Intense, physically based relationship in which the 2 people have a high risk of the 2 people have a high risk of misunderstanding & jealousymisunderstanding & jealousy

As passion fades, relationship As passion fades, relationship either acquires emotional either acquires emotional intimacy or will endintimacy or will endTrust, honesty, openness, & acceptance must be Trust, honesty, openness, & acceptance must be part of any strong relationshippart of any strong relationshipWill make romantic love developWill make romantic love develop

Falling in loveFalling in love Assortative Assortative

matingmating explains explains falling in lovefalling in lovePeople find partners People find partners based on their similarity based on their similarity to each otherto each otherOccurs along many Occurs along many dimensions:dimensions:e.g. religious beliefs, e.g. religious beliefs, physical traits, age, physical traits, age, socioeconomic status, socioeconomic status, intelligence, political intelligence, political ideology, values, ideology, values, interestsinterests

HomogamyHomogamyDegree to which people Degree to which people are similarare similarPeople apply 3 filters People apply 3 filters when meeting someone:when meeting someone:1. Stimulus (i.e. 1. Stimulus (i.e. Appearance, social class, Appearance, social class, manners)manners)2. Values (i.e. Similar re: 2. Values (i.e. Similar re: sex, religion, politics, sex, religion, politics, etc.)etc.)3. Role (i.e. Ideas about 3. Role (i.e. Ideas about the relationship, the relationship, communication style, communication style, gender roles, etc. match)gender roles, etc. match)

Falling in loveFalling in love Physical Physical

attractiveness attractiveness important in love important in love relationshipsrelationshipsInfluences the way we fall Influences the way we fall in lovein loveLinked to feelings & Linked to feelings & thoughts associated with thoughts associated with intimacy, passion, intimacy, passion, commitment & to commitment & to satisfaction with the satisfaction with the relationshiprelationshipCulture shapes mate Culture shapes mate selectionselectionCultural norms are Cultural norms are sometimes resistant to sometimes resistant to changechange

CohabitationCohabitation

About 5.5 million About 5.5 million are living are living togethertogetherAges have changedAges have changed

In 1970 most were In 1970 most were over 45over 45

By 2000, most By 2000, most between 25 and 44between 25 and 44

CohabitationCohabitation 3 main reasons 3 main reasons

for living for living together:together:1. Part-time or limited 1. Part-time or limited cohabitation - convenience, cohabitation - convenience, sharing expenses, sexual sharing expenses, sexual accessibilityaccessibility

2. Premarital cohabitation - a 2. Premarital cohabitation - a step toward marriagestep toward marriage

3. Substitute marriage - long-3. Substitute marriage - long-term commitment without legal term commitment without legal marriagemarriage

Doesn’t make Doesn’t make marriages bettermarriages betterMarriages less happy with Marriages less happy with higher risk of divorcehigher risk of divorceDoesn’t lessen depression & Doesn’t lessen depression & getting approval from friendsgetting approval from friendsMost cohabiting couples tend to Most cohabiting couples tend to be less conventional, less be less conventional, less religious, & come from lower religious, & come from lower socioeconomic backgrounds all socioeconomic backgrounds all putting them at higher risk for putting them at higher risk for divorcedivorceMarriage after living together is Marriage after living together is less a change in the relationshipless a change in the relationshipLacks newly wedded blissLacks newly wedded bliss

CohabitationCohabitation Negative relation between Negative relation between

cohabiting & marital stability cohabiting & marital stability seems to be weakeningseems to be weakeningMany more living together now than Many more living together now than beforebefore

More commonMore common

Many countries giving same rights & Many countries giving same rights & benefits to cohabiting couples as benefits to cohabiting couples as marriedmarried

Violence in Violence in RelationshipsRelationships Abusive relationshipAbusive relationship

One person being aggressive One person being aggressive toward the partnertoward the partner

Battered woman Battered woman syndromesyndromeWhen a woman believes she When a woman believes she can’t leave the abusive can’t leave the abusive situation & may even go so far situation & may even go so far as to kill her abuseras to kill her abuser

A continuum of A continuum of aggressive behaviors aggressive behaviors toward a spousetoward a spouseFrom verbally aggressive to From verbally aggressive to physically aggressive, to physically aggressive, to severely physically aggressive, severely physically aggressive, to murderto murderCauses of abuse vary with type Causes of abuse vary with type of abusive behavior being of abusive behavior being expressedexpressed

Violence in Violence in RelationshipsRelationships Causes of aggressive behavior increases Causes of aggressive behavior increases

as the level of aggression increasesas the level of aggression increasesCauses become more complex as level of aggression worsensCauses become more complex as level of aggression worsens

Situational factors contribute at all levelsSituational factors contribute at all levelsAlcoholism, job stressors, unemploymentAlcoholism, job stressors, unemployment

Common couple violence:Common couple violence:Violence that occurs occasionally & is Violence that occurs occasionally & is instigated by either partnerinstigated by either partner

Patriarchal terrorism:Patriarchal terrorism:Women who are victims of systematic Women who are victims of systematic violence from menviolence from men

Violence in Violence in RelationshipsRelationships

Gender differences Gender differences in some underlying in some underlying causescausesMost important 3: need to control, misuse of power, jealousyMost important 3: need to control, misuse of power, jealousy

Some men want to make sure partner knows “who’s the boss” & makes Some men want to make sure partner knows “who’s the boss” & makes the rulesthe rulesCulture important contextual factorCulture important contextual factorCultures that emphasize honor & portray females as passive, nurturing Cultures that emphasize honor & portray females as passive, nurturing supporters of men’s activities, along with beliefs that emphasize loyalty & supporters of men’s activities, along with beliefs that emphasize loyalty & sacrifice for family can contributesacrifice for family can contribute

Violence in Violence in RelationshipsRelationships

Abuse in datingAbuse in dating7% college students 7% college students physical abuse, 36% physical abuse, 36% emotional abuseemotional abuseCauses: being Causes: being female, being female, being involved in a love involved in a love relationship, being relationship, being over 20 years, over 20 years, having been having been physically abused by physically abused by one’s partner, & one’s partner, & having abused a having abused a partner increase partner increase chanceschances

LifestylesLifestyles Being SingleBeing Single

80% men & 70% women 80% men & 70% women between 20 – 24 between 20 – 24 unmarriedunmarriedMany focus on Many focus on establishing careers rather establishing careers rather than marriage or than marriage or relationshipsrelationshipsOthers haven’t met “right Others haven’t met “right person” or prefer being person” or prefer being singlesinglePressure for women to Pressure for women to marrymarryWomen have unresolved Women have unresolved or unrecognized or unrecognized ambivalences re: being ambivalences re: being singlesingle

Men tend to remain Men tend to remain single longer single longer because they tend to because they tend to marry at a later age marry at a later age than womenthan womenFewer men than women Fewer men than women remain unmarried remain unmarried throughout adulthoodthroughout adulthoodFind partners more easily as Find partners more easily as they select from a larger they select from a larger age range of unmarried age range of unmarried womenwomenMen tend to “marry down” Men tend to “marry down” in social statusin social statusWomen with higher levels of Women with higher levels of education overrepresented education overrepresented among unmarried adults among unmarried adults compared with men of same compared with men of same level of educationlevel of education

LifestylesLifestyles Ethnic differences reflect differences Ethnic differences reflect differences

in age at marriage & social factors, in age at marriage & social factors, esp. for African American malesesp. for African American males

Major reasons:Major reasons:Shortage of marriageable males, poor economic Shortage of marriageable males, poor economic opportunities, & lower life expectancyopportunities, & lower life expectancy

Singlehood among Latinos increasingSinglehood among Latinos increasing

Average age of Latinos in U.S. lower than other Average age of Latinos in U.S. lower than other ethnic groups due partly to poor economic ethnic groups due partly to poor economic opportunitiesopportunities

Latino men expect to marry because it indicates Latino men expect to marry because it indicates achievementachievement

LifestylesLifestyles 3 distinct groups of never married women in 3 distinct groups of never married women in

their 30stheir 30sSome suffer with acute distress about being Some suffer with acute distress about being single & long to be married with childrensingle & long to be married with childrenOthers describe volatile emotional situationOthers describe volatile emotional situationOthers say they are quite happy with healthy Others say they are quite happy with healthy self-image & high quality of lifeself-image & high quality of lifeFor most, singlehood is by circumstance rather For most, singlehood is by circumstance rather than choicethan choice

Pluses & minuses with singlehoodPluses & minuses with singlehoodHigher mortality rates & rates of alcoholism, Higher mortality rates & rates of alcoholism, suicide, & mental health problems with mensuicide, & mental health problems with menSingle women tend to be mugged, raped, or Single women tend to be mugged, raped, or burglarized & encounter more problems burglarized & encounter more problems traveling than marriedtraveling than married

Gay & Lesbian Gay & Lesbian CouplesCouples

Not much Not much different than different than heterosexualsheterosexualsProblems w/finances, lack of Problems w/finances, lack of equality in relationship, equality in relationship, possessiveness, personal flaws, possessiveness, personal flaws, dissatisfaction over sex, physical dissatisfaction over sex, physical absence due to work or absence due to work or education commitmentseducation commitmentsSupport from familySupport from familyThe more traditional the ethnic The more traditional the ethnic or religious values, the less or religious values, the less likely the family will provide likely the family will provide supportsupport

MarriageMarriage Age 1st Age 1st

important factor important factor due to due to psychological psychological developmentdevelopmentErikson - intimacy important in Erikson - intimacy important in young adulthoodyoung adulthoodMust have developed a strong Must have developed a strong sense of identity in adolescencesense of identity in adolescenceSimilarity of interests 2nd important Similarity of interests 2nd important factorfactorMust share similar values, goals, Must share similar values, goals, attitudes, socioeconomic status, & attitudes, socioeconomic status, & ethnic backgroundethnic background

Equality in the Equality in the relationship 3rd relationship 3rd important factorimportant factorExchange theory: each partner Exchange theory: each partner contributes something to the contributes something to the relationship the other would find relationship the other would find difficult to providedifficult to provide

MarriageMarriageHappinessHappiness

Beliefs brought into Beliefs brought into marriage influence how marriage influence how satisfied they will be as satisfied they will be as marriage developsmarriage developsOverall satisfaction ebbs Overall satisfaction ebbs & flows& flowsPattern depends on Pattern depends on nature of dependence of nature of dependence of each spouse on the each spouse on the otherotherDependence is about Dependence is about equal bring strength to equal bring strength to the marriage & less the marriage & less conflictconflict

MarriageMarriage Must learn to adjust to Must learn to adjust to

different perceptions & different perceptions & expectations they haveexpectations they haveLess educated couples have Less educated couples have greater dissatisfaction than greater dissatisfaction than those who pool their those who pool their resourcesresourcesCouples settle into a routine Couples settle into a routine with decline in satisfactionwith decline in satisfactionPrimary reason for routine & Primary reason for routine & decline is birth of childrendecline is birth of childrenWith parenthood there’s less With parenthood there’s less time devoted to the marriagetime devoted to the marriage

Child-free couples also Child-free couples also experience decline in experience decline in satisfactionsatisfactionSeems to be common in all Seems to be common in all couples over timecouples over timeDisillusionment, a decline Disillusionment, a decline in feeling in love, in feeling in love, demonstrations of demonstrations of affection, & in the feeling affection, & in the feeling that one’s spouse is that one’s spouse is responsive, & increase in responsive, & increase in feelings of ambivalencefeelings of ambivalence

MarriageMarriage Midlife marriageMidlife marriage

For most, satisfaction For most, satisfaction improves after children improves after children leaveleave

Empty nestEmpty nestGives middle age couple Gives middle age couple chance to relax & spend chance to relax & spend more time togethermore time togetherFor some, satisfaction For some, satisfaction continues to be lowcontinues to be lowMay have grown apart May have grown apart but continue to live but continue to live together:together:Referred to as Referred to as married married singlessingles

Older couplesOlder couplesMarital satisfaction Marital satisfaction among older couples among older couples increases after increases after retirement & decreases retirement & decreases with agewith ageLevel of satisfaction Level of satisfaction unrelated to amt. of unrelated to amt. of past or present sexual past or present sexual interest or sexual interest or sexual activityactivityPositively related to Positively related to degree of interaction degree of interaction with friendswith friendsMany have detached, Many have detached, contented style of contented style of marriagemarriage

Keeping Marriage Keeping Marriage HappyHappy

Must be flexible & Must be flexible & adaptableadaptableMarrieds over the years demonstrate ability to roll with the punches & adapt to changing circumstancesHow well couples communicate thoughts, actions, & feelings determines level of conflict & level of happinessTakes love, humor, & perseverance to stay happy

7 key ingredients in happy 7 key ingredients in happy marriage:marriage:1. Make time for the relationship2. Express love to your spouse3. Be there in times of need4. Communicate constructively & positively about problems in the relationship5. Be interested in your spouse’s life6. Confide in your spouse7. Forgive minor offenses & try to understand major ones

Family Life CycleFamily Life Cycle 2 Types of 2 Types of

Families:Families:1. Nuclear family1. Nuclear familyConsists of only Consists of only parent(s) & child(ren)parent(s) & child(ren)2. Extended family2. Extended familyGrandparents & other Grandparents & other relatives live with relatives live with parents & childrenparents & children

1st pregnancy is 1st pregnancy is a milestone a milestone event with event with benefits & costsbenefits & costsImportant considerations: Important considerations: 1. Relationships with own 1. Relationships with own parentsparents2. Marital stability2. Marital stability3. Career satisfaction3. Career satisfaction4. Finances4. FinancesFinances of greatest Finances of greatest concern, e.g. children are concern, e.g. children are expensive: $250 K over 17 expensive: $250 K over 17 years for necessities onlyyears for necessities only

Family Life CycleFamily Life Cycle Parental Parental

roleroleHave fewer Have fewer children than children than pastpast

Parenting skills Parenting skills are not naturalare not natural

Must be acquiredMust be acquired

Ethnic Ethnic diversity & diversity & parentingparentingEthnic Ethnic background background matters in family matters in family structure & structure & parent-child parent-child relationshiprelationship

Family Life CycleFamily Life Cycle Single ParentsSingle Parents

70% of births to African 70% of births to African American mothers, 40% to American mothers, 40% to Latina mothers, & 20% to Latina mothers, & 20% to European American mother European American mother out of wedlockout of wedlockSingle parents obstaclesSingle parents obstaclesFinanciallyFinanciallyIntegrating roles of work & Integrating roles of work & parenthoodparenthood

Alternative Forms of Alternative Forms of ParentingParenting

1/3 of North American 1/3 of North American couples are stepparents or couples are stepparents or foster or adoptive parentsfoster or adoptive parents

Big issue: strength of bonding Big issue: strength of bonding of childrenof children

Infants less than 1 year will Infants less than 1 year will probably bond wellprobably bond well

Older have probably formed Older have probably formed attachments to biological attachments to biological parentsparents

Many stepparents & Many stepparents & stepchildren develop good stepchildren develop good relationshipsrelationships

Adoptive parents contend Adoptive parents contend with attachment to birth with attachment to birth parents in different waysparents in different waysWant to meet themWant to meet them

Foster parent have most Foster parent have most tenuous relationshiptenuous relationshipBond can form & be brokenBond can form & be brokenMust provide secure homes but Must provide secure homes but won’t have children long enough won’t have children long enough to establish continuityto establish continuity

Children of gay or lesbian Children of gay or lesbian couplescouplesParent’s don’t experience any Parent’s don’t experience any more problems than children of more problems than children of heterosexualheterosexualChildren raised by gay or lesbian Children raised by gay or lesbian couples do not develop sexual couples do not develop sexual identity or any other problems identity or any other problems than heterosexualthan heterosexual

DivorceDivorce 90% of all divorces not 90% of all divorces not

contested or settled out of contested or settled out of courtcourt

70% of time mother 70% of time mother gets custodygets custodyFather is occasional Father is occasional parentparentWomen become Women become primary custodial primary custodial parentparent

Fathers don’t remain active in Fathers don’t remain active in children’s liveschildren’s lives

Children’s needs change Children’s needs change & anticipating these & anticipating these needs Requires frequent needs Requires frequent contactcontactNoncustodial fathers Noncustodial fathers find it difficult to find it difficult to develop good develop good relationships with relationships with childrenchildrenOften, wives express Often, wives express anger by limiting contactanger by limiting contactDivorced fathers become Divorced fathers become peripheral in their peripheral in their children’s lives, often children’s lives, often through no fault of their through no fault of their ownown

Effects of DivorceEffects of Divorce Men shocked by Men shocked by

breakup esp. if breakup esp. if wife filedwife filedMen more likely blamed for Men more likely blamed for problems leading to problems leading to divorce, to accept the divorce, to accept the blame, to move out, & blame, to move out, & have social life disruptedhave social life disrupted

Women affected Women affected differentlydifferentlyDivorced mothers have Divorced mothers have fewer prospects for fewer prospects for potential remarriagepotential remarriage

Have to establish new Have to establish new friendships with custody of friendships with custody of childrenchildren

Financial disadvantageFinancial disadvantage

Divorce & RemarriageDivorce & Remarriage

Reasons for DivorceReasons for DivorceU.S. divorce rate higher than many other countriesU.S. divorce rate higher than many other countries

FactorsFactorsAfrican Americans more likely to divorceAfrican Americans more likely to divorceHispanics show variabilityHispanics show variabilityEthnically mixed more likely to divorce than Ethnically mixed more likely to divorce than homogenoushomogenousWith no fault divorce & changing expectations re: With no fault divorce & changing expectations re: marriage reasons became communication problems, marriage reasons became communication problems, unhappiness, & incompatibilityunhappiness, & incompatibility

Divorce rate reflects higher Divorce rate reflects higher expectations of marriageexpectations of marriageCouples expect partners will help them grow personally Couples expect partners will help them grow personally & provide more than financial support& provide more than financial support

RemarriageRemarriage Men generally wait 4 Men generally wait 4

years before remarryingyears before remarryingMarriage rates vary Marriage rates vary across ethnic groupsacross ethnic groups

Few differences Few differences between 1st & between 1st & remarriagesremarriagesAfrican American 2nd African American 2nd marriages have 25% marriages have 25% higher risk of divorce higher risk of divorce than 1st marriagesthan 1st marriagesWith stepchildren, 3 With stepchildren, 3 times highertimes higher

Women generally initiate Women generally initiate divorce & less likely to divorce & less likely to remarryremarryWomen tend to benefit Women tend to benefit more from remarriage more from remarriage than menthan menDivorced men without Divorced men without children tend to marry children tend to marry women who have never women who have never been marriedbeen marriedDivorced men with Divorced men with children tend to marry children tend to marry divorced womendivorced womenMen with higher Men with higher education more likely to education more likely to remarry female with sameremarry female with same