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והבנות הבנים חינוך

Gateshead Rov 5771 חינוך הבנים והבנות

Before I start this drosho, I must issue a disclaimer: In a professional capacity I’ve never taught

any children. I don’t know if I have taught anyone under the age of nineteen and almost

everyone that I have taught is married. Even on a personal level, my part is that I didn’t ruin our

children.

The possuk in Mishlei ( 'ו:ב''כ ) reads ממנה יסור לא יזקין כי גם – דרכו פי על לנער חנוך .

Rashi explains that דרכו פ''ע means that one should educate in a fashion that is appropriate for

children. Children are educated in a different way than teenagers and adults. There is a different

methodology for each age group.

Reb Yisroel Salanter writes on the words ממנה סורי לא יזקין כי גם – that the education of children

never stops. The Steipler used to say that he davens for his children’s success in learning. He said

this even when his son Reb Chaim Kanievsky was fifty two years old and had global re-known.

The Vilna Gaon writes that every person has inherent natures, and the way in which we were

born cannot change. The job of parents and educators is to channel these natures to be used in

a positive way.

Anyone who has a few children can appreciate that you can have two children growing up in the

same house and they’re totally different. Whatever mazel that person was born in, it will affect

his personality and this won’t change. The Gaon brings proof to this from the Gemora in

Shabbos that says that one who was born under the mazel of מאדים, one of a few things will

occur. If he’s a Tzadik he’ll become a moihel. If he’s mediocre then he’ll become a shoichet or a

surgeon. If he’s a rosho then he will become a murderer. This Gemora is telling us that a person

cannot change his תכונות - his characteristics, rather they can be directed positively or

negatively. We have to recognise our children’s inherent nature and develop it.

If you try and change these characteristics when they’re younger then you might succeed

because you are bigger and stronger. But as your children grow older and become and feel

independent then at best they will ignore you and at worst they will rebel. If you try and

educate a child ‘your way’, דרכך פי על then they will stray from you. Only if you do it דרכו פי על

according to his innate nature then you will merit the fulfilment of ממנה יסור לא יזקין כי גם .

In the Choivas Hatalmidim written by the Piaseczno Rebbe, he writes how to train children. He

writes that the word חינוך is found as the root of the word חנוכה as in הבית חנוכת . In our religion

a הבית חנוכת a house dedication is made once a house is complete. In other societies they might

make a ground breaking ceremony where a golden is shovel is used symbolically to commence

the building work. (Even if we may have heard of an הפינה אבן הנחת in our own circles, then you

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should know that it is adapted from the general society and is often used as a fundraising

opportunity.) What’s the difference between a house dedication and a ground-breaking

ceremony? At a ground breaking ceremony every possibility exists. One can take the tools and

build whatever one wants. At a הבית חנוכת the house is there; it has X number of rooms and Y

amount of space. At the ceremony you can take that which is there already and dedicate it for

its proper use. That’s the same idea with Chinuch; you have to accept the child for what he is.

The Choivas Hatalmidim writes that the concept of ‘educating a child in his own way’ has always

been important. But until WW1 the world lived in an era of respect and children did what their

parents wanted them to do even if they weren’t educated properly. The upheaval caused by

WW1 and the destruction of family and communal unity brought about the eradication of

respect and from then on דרכו פי על לנער חנוך became the only way to educate our children.

Therefore the only way to raise children is to make a ‘חנוכה’ on what the child has.

This was written in 1930. But imagine if the Piaseczno would have lived today and seen the

disrespect for authority that exists. We know that which the Mishna says חוצפא דמשיחא בעקבתא

What does that mean? Will there be more Chutzpa as we approach Moshiach than there .יסגא

was in previous generations? Rav Shimon Schwab writes that Chutzpa has always existed;

children have always wanted to test boundaries. But it used to be that Chutzpa was seen as a

flaw, something was wrong with such a person. The Mishna tells us that there will be an age

that Chutzpa will be seen as a מעלה; parents will be proud of their children’s Chutzpa to the

point that if a child shows no Chutzpa he might be regarded as having a problem with his self-

esteem. This is what is meant by יסגא חוצפא .

The word חנוכה comes from the word חינוך. Rav S R Hirsch writes that Chanukah is the holiday

for חינוך. Rav Hirsch was the Rov in Frankfurt, and the last Rov in Frankfurt before the war was

my grandfather Reb Josef Jonah Zvi Horowitz. He said over once in a speech that the laws

surrounding Chanukah represent the guidelines of חינוך.

Firstly there is וביתו איש נר: החנוכ מצות . The allegorical lesson is that the Mitzvah of Chinuch is

that every house has its own type of Chinuch. Every house has its own Mesorah.

The מהדרין light one candle for every extra day of Chanukah; they recognise that a child at each

age needs a different type of education. What may work for younger children will not work as

they grow older.

ואחד אחד לכל נר – המהדרין מן והמהדרין ; this refers to understanding that what worked for one

child won’t work for the next one. One needs to light a new light, open up a separate path for

each child.

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והבנות הבנים חינוך

Then we know that there is the Machloikes between Beis Shammai and Beis Hillel whether we

light one more candle each night (Starting from 1) or one less than the previous night (starting

from 8). Beis Shammai’s opinion corresponds to the bulls brought on Sukkos in descending

number which represent the 70 gentile nations. The candles are therefore analogous to the

foreign influences that exist and are minimised as the child grows older. When Beis Hillel say

והולכין מוסיפין , they view the candles as being analogous with קודש לימודי which must increase as

the child grows older.

Then there is the law, פסולה – אמה עשריםמ למעלה שהניח חנוכה נר . The metaphorical lesson over

here is that if you set the bar too high for the child and your goals are above his abilities then

the חינוך is פסול.

Following that is פסולה – טפחים משלשה למטה . If you don’t help the child to get off the ground,

then this too is a פסול חינוך .

מבחוץ ביתו פתח על מניח חנוכה נר . In the צור מעוז sung after lighting the Chanukah candles, we

say מגדלי חומות ופרצו and this is a reference to the סורג (the border which marked up until

where gentiles were allowed access and which was ten tefochim high). What was the purpose of

the סורג? The Rosh explains that this made the Beis Hamikdosh a היחיד רשות – a private domain.

The Greeks didn’t like the differentiation between the public and private domains; they wanted

to bring the culture of the street into our houses. Our world view is quite the opposite; we need

to shut out the influences from the street. And we don’t stop there, we want the light from our

house – represented by the Menorah – to be seen and felt in the street. We need to impact the

outside from within. These are the lessons of Chinuch that we learn from Chanukah.

Yaakov Ovinu called together the Shevotim and gives them what is called the יעקב ברכת .

Now, imagine the scene that took place when Yaakov is about to give his ‘famous last words’. He

calls in Reuven and tells him – words that he’ll remember forever – וכו תותר אל כמים פחז' , You’re

a hasty person, you’ll never be king. Next, he calls Shimon and Levi and tells them עז כי אפם ארור

'וכו – you have terrible tempers!

Yehuda sees all of this and starts to run away. Till Yaakov calls him back and blesses him יהודה –

'וכו אחיך יודך אתה . These are very strange brochos! Surprisingly the parshah ends off אשר איש

אותו ברך כברכתו – everyone got an appropriate brocho.

What type of brocho is it to be admonished as being too hasty or having a terrible temper?

Says Reb Yeruchem – the biggest blessing for a person in this world is to be told his abilities and

limitations. That is what a real brocho is.

Reuven was the oldest of the Shevotim and had a right to expect to lead Klal Yisroel, but because

of his hastiness was disqualified. Imagine had Yaakov never told him about this issue. Reuven

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might have walked around his whole life feeling frustrated and disillusioned because he doesn’t

know his limitations. So that’s why Yaakov called him and says warm words – אוני וראשית כחי –

expressing pride in his first born. Yet at the same time he adds תותר אל כמים פחז – because you

have the limitation of being too hasty, leave the leadership for others. Yaakov then calls in

Shimon and Levi and compliments them ‘אחים’ you act like brothers. Rav Hirsch explains that

they were the only ones who felt and acted like brothers when Dinah was abducted. But on the

other hand עז כי אפם ארור , they had terrible tempers and therefore ביעקב אחלקם I’ll spread you

out amongst Klal Yisroel and you will be teachers, for that’s the job that fits your personality. To

Yehuda he said יודוך אתה – you showed the ability to admit your responsibility; such behaviour

means that you are fit to be a king.

This, says Reb Yeruchem is the biggest brocho, to be told about your abilities and limitations is a

blessing. Then you will know what to develop and yet also what not to strive for in order not to

feel frustrated.

When you are מחנך your children, you have to recognise their abilities and limitations. You have

to find the abilities of your children and develop them. It is said about Esther that she was

orphaned and Mordechai raised her like a daughter. Reb Yeruchem writes that when writing

that he raised her, the Megilla uses the word אומן – a word implying אמונה. This goes to teach us

that Mordechai showed that he believed in her and her abilities. Esther went to live in the

palace of Achashveirosh without divulging her true identity and then had to confront both

Achashveirosh and Homon together – indeed a tremendously difficult mission. The least likely

candidate for the job would be an orphan; someone who might feel insecure and not really sure

of where she really belongs. Nevertheless it was Mordechai’s confidence in her that helped her

develop the abilities inside.

In the Choivas Hatalmidim by the Piaseczno Rebbe, there is an anecdote where two parents

once came to him with a Chinuch issue; they had a child who was extremely stubborn.

So the Rebbe asked them, “Have you tried bribing him?” and the parents assured him that they

had tried that. He continued to ask and said “Did you threaten him, did you punish him, and did

you force him?” and again they replied in the affirmative. The Rebbe smiled and said “If that’s

the case then, that you have a child who isn’t willing to be bribed or threatened, neither forced

nor cajoled that means you have a potential Chassam Sofer on your hands. Who was the

Chassam Sofer? Didn’t he live in a period of strong influence from the Reform and other groups

that bribed and threatened, forced and cajoled and yet he didn’t budge one iota? You son

seems to show the same capabilities”.

In other words, his message was “Look at your child, develop their abilities and accept their

limitations”.

If we have expectations above their abilities, we guarantee to make them feel a failure and they

will vent their frustrations at the people who caused them to feel like that. Therefore the

biggest brocho in the world is when parents raise their children with the system “I know my

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child’s strengths and limitations. I accept their limitations and will develop their abilities”. This is

the true application of דרכו פי על לנער חנוך .

Another way of interpreting דרכו פי על is that it is important that a child be educated in a way

that he can relate to; something that is age appropriate.

I heard a pshat in the name of Rav Ungar ל''זצ . He says that when the Oron came back from the

land of the Pelishtim, Dovid was dancing in front of it. However his wife Michal bas Shaul was

upset with his behaviour – as the possuk writes מיכל בעיני לבוז והיה .

Yet what does the possuk say about Michal as a result of her reaction? She had no children till

the day she died. Why did she deserve such a terrible punishment?

Rav Ungar explains that Michal recognised the true spiritual level of Dovid. Therefore according

to his level – that of one who can cleave to the Divine Prescience - he should have stood

emotionless in front of the Oron; totally absorbed – as if in a trance. So why was he dancing?

Because there were many people assembled there and those people couldn’t have related to

Dovid's feelings had he just stood still at such an event; therefore Dovid danced in front of the

Oron as a way of showing the simple people the importance of the Oron. Michal may have even

understood Dovid’s motives, yet she felt that it wasn’t correct for him to lower himself to show

the other people how to respect the Oron.

Hashem’s message to Michal was, “If you think that you’re not supposed to lower yourself in

front of others in order to educate them, then you’re not worthy of raising children. You can’t

tell children ‘I’m an adult, be an adult just like me’. You have to lower yourself to your children

and bring them up slowly”. It wasn’t a punishment for Michal, Hashem simply told her that if she

doesn’t appreciate this point in education – then fine. She won’t have to educate anyone.

When I said this point over once at a wedding in Gateshead, the Rosh Yeshiva Reb Avrohom

Gurwitz came over to me to bring to proof to this point. He quoted from Chazal on this possuk

by Michal מותה יום עד יילוד לה היתה לא ; it was only up until the day that she died that she had no

children, but on the day that she died she gave birth. Michal deserved to have children; she just

didn’t know how to raise them, so they ended up being raised by someone else.

דרכו פי על לנער חנוך – you have to know how to lower yourself to the child to explain it in their

language and using a methodology that they understand. לנער חנוך however doesn’t mean that

you have to lower yourself; that you become their friend. They have enough friends, they just

need parents.

Rav Hirsch brings this point out when he writes on the possuk אמיך ואת אביך את כבד , read this

homiletically respect your own fatherhood and motherhood; act like a father, act like a mother.

If Hashem granted you the merit of becoming a parent or grandparent then act like that.

Not only does לנער חנוך apply when you are explaining something to the child, but for that

matter when you are rebuking a child or anyone else. The possuk reads ישנאך פן לץ תוכח אל ,

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ויאהבך לחכם תוכח . The Shloh Hakodosh says on this possuk, what does it mean that we

shouldn’t rebuke a לץ, rather we should rebuke a חכם? It sounds preposterous! Don’t rebuke

those who need to be rebuked because they don’t like that, go around and look for a חכם and

give him mussar because he likes that. It’s going to be useless!

So the Shloh explains that the possuk is teaching us about the methodology of giving mussar.

One can rebuke someone and tell him – you’re a לץ – you’re a רשע – you’re bad. That person is

just going to hate you. On the other hand, you can tell someone - You’re great – You’re

wonderful, but what you did ‘pas nicht’ – you can do better. Such rebuke raises a person. This is

how we read the possuk ‘ לץ - תוכח אל ’ don’t rebuke a person by calling him a לץ, rather ‘ – תוכח

.from you we can expect more – then he’ll love you – חכם tell him that he’s a ,’ לחכם

In the parshah of the ומורה סורר בן it says that the parents declare their son to be a וסובא זולל –

he’s a drunk! (In contemporary terms we would be talking about a drug addict) and then איננו

בקולנו שומע – he doesn’t listen to our voices. The Torah tells us חייב ימות ואל זכאי ימות – better to

die innocent than to die guilty of serious crimes.

The Gemora ( .א''ע סנהדרין ) tells us however that in reality the ומורה סורר בן never occurred. This

is because the criteria for him to be killed are too difficult to be found. For instance it says איננו

בקולינו שומע – the parents say “our child isn’t listening to our voices”. The Gemora says that the

usage of such grammar in the קפסו insinuates the degree of synchronization with which the

parents must be heard, be that in voice, appearance and height. Therefore this only applies to

parents who look the same, sound the same and are the same height.

Rav Hirsch writes that when parents educate their children, they can’t give conflicting messages.

Even if they aren’t giving conflicting messages they can’t show conflicting attitudes of

importance; they can’t have a conflict of values, different things that they value. Why? Because

if the parents don’t have a united front, if there is a conflict, then it’s not the child’s fault that he

ended up being a ומורה סורר בן . Rather, it’s a problem with the chinuch in the child’s house –

therefore they don’t kill him.

בקול שווים שניהם שיהיו עד , this means they have to talk the same. במראה שווים שניהם שיהיו עד –

they have to show the same attitude. בקומה שווים שניהם שיהיו עד – they have to show that they

have the same value system. Only when the parents have the same values can they expect the

child to listen to them.

This is a tremendously important point. I can’t tell you how many times this happens – but being

in Rabbonus for years I see it happening the whole time – parents come to me with a dilemma; a

father prefers to be stricter whereas a mother advocates a more lenient approach (or vice

versa). They want to know what the correct approach is. I tell them “It doesn’t matter which is

right. It’s only important that you say the same thing. I’ve seen children from strict homes that

can become successful, and I’ve seen children from lenient homes that have become successful.

The only house where I haven’t seen success is where the father says one thing and the mother

says another”.

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Invariably upon hearing this, one parent will tell the other “You see, you should do it my way...”

The Choivas Hatalmidim asks, How can you educate children in an era in which there is no

respect for authority? He answers that the only way to do it is through being a positive role

model. It may not help educate your children straight away but eventually your children will pick

it up.

Reb Yaakov Kaminestsky use to say, “If you see a father bring his young son to Shul and then

shushkers him when he starts to talk, then one day this son will also shushker his children in

Shul, because that’s what he saw his father doing. If the father would daven peacefully in his

place, then one day the son will do that too”. Chinuch is achieved by role-modelling.

I want to say a vort to conclude. The possuk in Tehillim ב''יק reads: במצוותיו' ה את ירא איש אשרי

מאד חפץ , praiseworthy is the man who fears Hashem, and desires the Mitzvos greatly. This is

then followed by the blessing of יברך ישרים דור, זרעו יהיה בארץ גבור , his offspring will be mighty

he will have an upstanding generation who will be blessed. On this possuk the Beis Halevy wrote

two explanations. One he printed and one he didn’t print. We’ll learn both and see why the one

he didn’t print is a better explanation, yet we’ll understand why he didn’t print it.

The Medrash asks – when it says איש אשרי can it possibly mean אישה אשרי ולא איש אשרי ? Surely

not! For surely a woman can also attain Yiras Shomayim. Rather it insinuates that the praise is

bestowed upon one who achieves Yiras Shomayim when he is still an איש – a younger man. And

the question begs of itself – does it really make such a difference as to when one achieves his

level in Yiras Shomayi? Surely an older person can achieve Yiras Shomayim, so why isn’t he

similarly rewarded?

Answers the Beis Halevy, that for a person’s own merit it really makes no difference as to when

he became a Yerei Shomayim. As long as he has worked on himself to become an ה עובד ' - he

will merit his place in Gan Eden. The possuk is talking about the level of influence over others -

as we can see in the way the following possuk is referring to the blessing in one’s offspring. The

younger that the person is when he attains Yiras Shomayim, the more he can influence his

children. This therefore is the explanation in the possuk. Fortunate is the man who achieved his

Yiras Shomayim when he was young. Why? Because then he will be able to influence his

children.

Then there is the pshat that he didn’t write (An oral tradition that I heard from Reb Dovid

Soloveitchik). The possuk ends off with the words מאד חפץ במצוותיו to which the Medrash infers

מצוותיו בשכר ולא the person desires the performance of the Mitzvos – במצוותיו and not the

reward of the Mitzvos.

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The question is, that it is true that it is ideal to serve Hashem with pure motives, but don’t we

know that even if someone can’t perform his Mitzvos לשמה then he can do it also שלמה שלא ?

( לשמה בא לשמה שלא שמתוך ). What’s so wrong with לשמה שלא ?

The Beis Halevy gives a frightening answer, children may not listen to what we say but at least

they copy what we do. home! Whatever motivates the parents, then that will be what the

children gather and then they apply it to their life, culture and society.

To illustrate, there might be a person who desire for honour is so great it motivates him to

become a Dayan. It’s a respectable position that leaves room for a lot of honour. Under different

circumstances this person’s son might become a priest! What motivated to him to become

pries? He learnt from his father to pursue honour and glory, so if society honours men of a

different cloth, then he might venture into foreign houses of worship in order to achieve

prominence.

You might have another person who is prepared to wake up early and daven vosikin (with the

sunrise). But his motive isn’t to fulfil the verse שמש עם ויראוך... , it’s just that people will say “ah

there goes the vosikin Yied. His son might pick up on his dedication to working hard to achieve

what’s importance and rise early to open his office on a Shabbos morning.

So although working לשמה שלא might be okay, it isn’t enough when trying to influence others.

For to be an influence over others there must a worship with genuine motives. That’s why the

Medrash tells us that the influence can only be successful if we love the Mitzvos and not just the

reward for Mitzvos. If we serve Hashem out of the love for reward, then our children might pick

up the reward from foreign sources. The fundamental point is that children copy their parent’s

motivations, attitudes, strivings and aspirations but not merely their actions.

I think that the second vort is nicer. But why do I say that? And why didn’t the Beis Halevy write

this down too? Reb Chaim Brisker, the son of the Brisker Rov said over that his father lived in a

time when many families, including prominent ones were suffering as a result of their children

having left the fold; they became heretics and mechaleli Shabbos. The parents may not have

understood why this had happened, cannot fathoming why their home bore such offspring.

They sought solace in the idea that it was an outcome of the change in society in general that

caused this. “I was worried”, said the Beis Halevy, “that someone might read this vort and

suddenly realise ‘maybe it is my fault’. Therefore it isn’t worthwhile to print the best vort if it

will hurt a person who is already broken”.

Let us recap the fundamental points of Chinuch: start when a child is young and it has to be age

appropriate and then continue as the child gets older. Chinuch has to be דרכו פי על – according

to the innate natures that Hashem gave the child. It means to accept a child’s limitations and

recognise their abilities. If rebuke has to take place, it has to be positive. The parents must give

over their message in the same voice. The primary mode of Chinuch today is by role modelling,

primarily our motivations. If we can do this and strive for this, then with a lot of tefilla we should

all merit זרעו יהיה בארץ גבור .