getting over failure and disappointment a€¦ · big setbacks or failures can be very painful. you...

GETTING OVER FAILURE AND DISAPPOINTMENT

A ll of us have big setbacks from time to time. We may get passed over for a job or promotion, fail to reach an important goal or find out that someone

we love wants to end a relationship. Following are tips on how to move forward after a failure or big disappointment.

Learning from setbacks The ability to learn from failure and disappointment is key to a happy and rewarding life. That’s because setbacks are normal, especially when you are continually being challenged — at home, at work, or in your community — and trying to improve. “Any quest, even one that is ultimately successful, is going to involve failure,” brothers Chip and Dan Heath write in their book Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. If you can learn from setbacks, you’ll be able to move forward.

Big setbacks or failures can be very painful. You may wonder if you’ll ever get over personal disappointments such as being denied entry by a university or college you had your heart set on, or feeling let down or betrayed by a trusted friend, partner, or spouse. You may have disappointments at work, such as losing a valued customer or client, or not getting an assignment you hoped to receive. As challenging as these experiences can be, you can usually learn from them by taking a few practical steps.

After a big disappointment, think carefully about what happened. Ask yourself what you did right, not just what you may have done wrong. This will help you see strengths you can build on as well as where you could improve.

Think about the information you received from others who were involved, too. If you were passed over for a promotion, was your employer looking for skills you don’t have? Which ones? Talk with your manager if you aren’t sure. Having accurate information will help you decide how to make yourself more valuable at work.

Write down what you learned. Writing things down will help you remember the lessons you’ve learned as you move forward. →

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IN THIS ISSUE:

Q2 NEWSLETTER | 2015

Getting Over Failure and Disappointment 1 – 2

Boosting Your Energy 3 – 4

Ways to be More Optimistic Every Day 5 – 7

Spring Cleaning Your Data 8 – 9

More, More, More 10

continued from page 1

“Follow the bright spots.” Have a positive attitude toward what you can accomplish. In Switch, the authors call this approach “following the bright spots.” “As you analyze your situation, you’re sure to find some things working better than others,” they say. “Don’t obsess about the failures.” Spend time analyzing your successes and how you can repeat them or build on them.

Seek new challenges. Don’t let the fear of another disappointment keep you from exploring opportunities for success. Chip and Dan Heath suggest that you look for “more challenges despite the risk of failure.” If you were passed over for a promotion, “seek out ‘stretch’ assignments at work.” Even if you didn’t get the job you wanted, you may have many ways to grow in the job you have.

Tap into your personal support network. Talk about setbacks with people who care about you and want to help. They may give you a fresh perspective on what happened. If you need practical support, let people know what would help most, whether you’d like a shoulder to cry on after the end of a relationship or help with learning new skills you can use at work.

Join a support group or other network. Look beyond your family and friends if you need more help than they can provide. If you are a single parent disappointed by the end of a marriage, you might join a group such as Parents

Without Partners (www.parentswithoutpartners.org). If you’ve had a business failure, you might look into SCORE (www.score.org), a nonprofit association that provides free, one-on-one business counselling for entrepreneurs and others. If you’re dealing with medical challenges, you can find support groups and other resources by getting in touch with national organizations devoted to specific illnesses. To find them, search online for the name of a health condition and the word “association” or “organization.”

Be mindful of your physical and emotional health. Take extra care to eat a healthy diet, get enough sleep, exercise on all or most days of the week, and limit alcohol consumption. Do something enjoyable every day with friends or family.

Seek professional help if the situation feels unmanageable. The pain of a failure usually eases over time. If a disappointment is affecting your work or relationships, talking with a professional can help. Your employee assistance program (EAP) can provide information and resources.

As you move forward after your own setbacks, be patient with yourself. Keep in mind these words from Switch: “Progress doesn’t always come easily — achieving success requires some failures along the way.”


Here are some other ways to make progress after a setback:

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BOOSTING YOUR ENERGY

R eaching all of your work and personal goals takes a lot of energy. But many things can rob you of energy — from hunger and fatigue to hot weather. In

this article, you’ll find ways to increase your energy level in any season. Here are some general tips on boosting your energy:


Eat a healthy diet, including a good breakfast every day. Sugary breakfast foods give you a quick jolt of energy, but your body digests them too quickly to keep you satisfied until lunch time. Your energy will last longer if your first meal of the day includes a good balance of protein and complex carbohydrates, such as whole grains. Try an egg white omelette with fresh vegetables, almond butter or low-fat cheese on whole-wheat toast, yogurt sprinkled with raisins and nuts, or even healthy leftovers from last night’s dinner.

Stay rested. Most of us have experienced the benefits of a good night’s sleep that restores our physical and mental energy. Scientists don’t fully understand why sleep is so rejuvenating, but studies have found that sleep and mood are closely linked. Too little sleep can lead to stress and irritability, and chronic insomnia may increase the risk of depression and other mood disorders. Getting 7 to 9 hours of sleep every night helps to restore energy and promotes physical and mental health.

Maintain a healthy weight. Extra pounds put added demands on your body that can sap your energy even if you’re healthy. Adults who maintain a significant weight loss have higher energy levels, according to a survey of participants in the National Weight Control Registry (a

research project that tracks the progress of people 18 years of age and older who have lost at least 30 pounds and have kept it off for a year). Just make sure that if you need to lose weight, you find a safe way to do it. Extreme diets can leave you very hungry and deplete your energy (instead of restoring it) because they often omit so many foods.

Get at least 30 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise on all or most days of the week. As you become more physically fit, you’ll find that you’re able to accomplish some tasks with less effort, leaving you with more energy for other things.

Limit caffeine. Caffeine stimulates your brain, which can give you a temporary surge of energy. And moderate tea or coffee drinking isn’t likely to harm your health, according to the American Medical Association’s Council on Scientific Affairs (which defines moderate tea or coffee drinking as no more than 250 milligrams a day, or about the amount in three 8-ounce cups of coffee). But caffeine is addictive and people who rely on it for energy often need more and more to get the same lift. So it’s best to limit your consumption, and if you need more of a boost than that amount provides, use other energy sources. →

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Pay attention to your overall health. Fatigue can also be a sign of a medical problem such as anemia, hypothyroidism, heart disease, depression, and some forms of cancer. Talk with your health care provider if you have less energy than you used to and can’t see an obvious reason for it. A doctor can tell you whether you might benefit from other energy-boosting strategies or have an underlying health condition that needs attention.

Keep cool in hot weather. Avoid going outside during the hottest hours of the day in the summertime. If you can’t avoid it, stay in the shade and drink plenty of water to avoid dehydration, which would further strain your body. If your home isn’t air-conditioned, put off heavy chores until it’s cooler. By protecting yourself from soaring temperatures, you’ll also be conserving your energy.

Avoid supplements unless a doctor prescribes them. Don’t fall for advertisements that say that vitamin B12 or other dietary supplements can have miraculous effects on your energy or stamina. The Office of Dietary Supplements at the National Institutes of Health says, “Except in people

with a vitamin B12 deficiency, no evidence shows that vitamin B12 supplements increase energy or improve athletic performance.” And taking too much of some supplements, including iron, can be harmful.

Learn to pace yourself. Each of us has only so much energy to spend per day. Make the most of yours by pacing yourself so that your energy will last as long as you need it. Focus on your top priorities and say “no” to activities that don’t matter as much.

Adjust your expectations as you age. Each of us has an energy “battery” that in later life may not be able to hold the charge it once did, according to Dr. Anne Fabiny in an interview with Harvard Health Publications. “If you try to do all the things you did in the past, you could end up feeling tired,” added Dr. Fabiny, an assistant professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. As you get older, she suggests, take care not to burn through your “battery” early in the day. Instead, spread it out between morning tasks, afternoon projects, and evening activities, with rest and meals in between.

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WAYS TO BE MORE OPTIMISTIC EVERY DAY

Recent studies have found that — whether we see ourselves as optimists or pessimists — “how we view the world and how we interact with it changes how the world responds to us,” the psychologist Elaine Fox says in Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain: How to Retrain Your Brain to Overcome Pessimism and Achieve a More Positive Outlook (Basic Books). When difficulties arise, “optimists take control of their own destiny” and “take steps to solve their problems,” while pessimists believe that “their problems are beyond their control and will never go away,” Fox says. And those views can have a big impact on your physical and emotional well-being.

One 10-year study found, for example, that the subjects with the highest level of optimism were 45 per cent less likely than those with the highest levels of pessimism to die during the study. The good news is that even if you tend to be pessimistic, you can learn to develop a more optimistic outlook. →


One of the best ways to stay happy and healthy is to know how to develop and hold onto your optimism.



Have a solid Plan B. Avoid pinning all of your hopes on one strategy that may not succeed. Always have a strong back-up plan for reaching an important goal, whether it means planning other activities you can enjoy if it rains on the day of a bike trip or having a back-up babysitter you can use if your regular sitter gets sick.

Shake up your habits. Do a familiar activity a new way if your usual method makes you bored or grumpy. Changing your routines, like taking a different route to the grocery store or calling up a friend out of the blue, Fox says, can interrupt a cycle of pessimistic thoughts.

Tactfully redirect negative conversations. Grouchy relatives or co-workers can take a toll on your optimism even if you usually have a positive outlook. When someone starts complaining — again — about something that can’t be helped, diplomatically change the subject by redirecting the conversation in a positive direction.

Help others regularly. Strengthen your sense of purpose by engaging in volunteer activities that help individuals or groups, if only for an hour a week, suggests the psychologist Robert Brooks, author of The Power of Resilience: Achieving Balance, Confidence, and Personal Strength in Your Life (McGraw-Hill). Research has found that people feel “happier and more resilient when they feel they make a difference in the lives of others,” he notes.

Post an inspirational quote. Put a line from a book or movie that inspires you on your bulletin board or computer desktop at home or at work, on your Facebook profile, or in another spot where it will give you a lift every day. You might try this one by Winston Churchill that’s quoted in Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain: “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity. An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

Here are some ways to strengthen your own sense of optimism:

“ A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity. An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” Winston Churchill

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1) Make a list of attitudes you want to change to improve your life. These might include a negative view of a co-worker or your reluctance to try a new activity or hobby that is important to a loved one. Review your list daily to remind yourself of what you want to change.

2) Reframe negative thoughts as positive ones. Instead of thinking, “I’ll never finish all of these chores today,” tell yourself, “I can do this. Afterward, I’ll call my best friend and invite her to go for a walk to reward myself.” For an extra boost, try using your name when you do it — for example, by saying, “Sarah, you can do this” instead of “I can do this.” A University of Michigan study found that people were kinder to themselves when they used their names while reframing negative thoughts, perhaps because the technique helped them “to get some distance from themselves,” NPR reported.

3) Lighten up. Nothing improves your attitude faster than a good laugh. Spend time with witty people, watch funny movies, or ask a child to tell you a great joke. See the humour in embarrassing moments.

4) Strengthen your sense of gratitude. “Jot down a few positive things every day,” Sam Glenn says in A Kick in the Attitude. “This can be a short list of what you’re thankful for, or perhaps something good that happened to you.” Glenn says that once, when he had trouble thinking of something for which he was grateful, he and a friend shared a laugh by tossing out ideas like “toothbrushes and underwear.”

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Do you have attitudes that are holding you back? Are your views keeping you from achieving important goals? Experts say that like learning to be more optimistic, we can also learn to adopt a more positive outlook and to change our attitudes for the better.

“I can’t change my attitude. That’s just how I feel.” Most of us have said things like this at times. Experts say that we can change our attitudes, whether they involve negative feelings about a neighbour or co-worker, reluctance to embrace a food or activity we’ve never tried, or feelings of helplessness that result when trying to overcome a difficult issue or personal challenge.

That’s because attitudes aren’t something we’re born with. They are a learned tendency to view things,

people, objects, or situations in a certain way. And just as we learned to see things one way, we can learn to see them another way. We often acquire our attitudes through experiences or actions that had results we remember. So we can also “unlearn” them partly by trying new experiences or actions that may have a different outcome — something we can do in small steps.

“If you dedicate 5 to 10 minutes a day to working on your attitude, you will have results,” says Sam Glenn, a popular motivational speaker and the author of A Kick in the Attitude (Wiley). “They might be improved health, stronger finances, better connection with your spouse or kids, or achieving a long-desired dream.”

Change Your Attitude for the Better!

Here are four tips to help you change your attitude for the better:

If a simple attitude adjustment seems like it may be in order, go online any time to your program website to access more tips on fostering optimism and gratitude, including:

The Power of Positive Thinking | Ways to Cope When You’re Feeling Grouchy | Gratitude Exercise

SPRING CLEANING YOUR DATA

Just like houses and apartments, electronic devices become overloaded with clutter over time. A spring cleaning for your computer, smartphone, and/or

tablet can be as important and satisfying as clearing clutter from your physical space. Here are some tips on cleaning up your data to help speed up and optimize your devices.


1) Get rid of files you don’t need!

Start with getting rid of videos and photos you don’t intend to save. Videos take up a lot of space, especially on a smartphone with limited storage. Set aside a block of time to go through your archive of photos and videos — including those you’ve taken, and videos you’ve downloaded to watch — and delete the ones you’re done with or don’t need to hold onto.

Free up space on your PC or Mac by using a utility like CCleaner to identify and delete unneeded files left over by software installations and other processes. Unless your drive is already verging on full, deleting “junk” files won’t speed up your computer, but it will free up storage space. (Note that clearing a web browser cache doesn’t free up space since your browser will just rebuild its cache.)

2) Get control of your email.

File. Stay on top of your email every day by looking at each message you receive, responding if necessary, and either filing or deleting it.

Clean house. Even if your email is well organized, over time, stored messages can push the limits of what your system lets you keep. Consider deleting everything older than a certain date, three years for example. Most email applications will let you sort by date, and even by file size, helping you to quickly identify what’s outdated and what’s oversized.

Set up filters and automatic archiving. Customize your own filters and archiving rules to automatically “file for later reference” or “delete mail” from specific senders. In some systems, you can create labels to organize your mail and set up filters to automatically apply labels to certain messages.

Unsubscribe. Follow the “Unsubscribe” instructions at the bottom of newsletter emails to get off unwanted lists. →


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3) Get rid of programs and apps you don’t use. Your smartphone, tablet, or computer may also be cluttered with apps and programs you never use. If you can’t remember the last time you used it, or what it’s for, uninstall it!

4) Clean up and avoid infections: If you use a Windows PC, make sure you have a security utility installed and set for automatic updates to protect your computer from viruses, spyware, and other malware.

Getting your electronic data cleaned up and under control will help you save time and feel less stressed. It’s worth the effort!


MORE, MORE, MORE

If you’re feeling a “spring in your step” and looking to make a fresh start, LifeBalance can help! Go online to www.lifebalance.net to access helpful

related educational materials, including:


1) Blogs

Work & Life: Our resident blogger Cindy Goodman is a wife, mother of three

children, and works as a journalist. She enjoys reading, running, and gardening, and shares practical tips to help you find balance.

2) Online toolkits

Becoming You: Finding Yourself in Your 20s and 30s: Figuring out who you are and where you want to be in your 20s and 30s can be a challenge. This toolkit will help you take a close look at the different parts of your life and help you find your path.

Retire, Rewire, Renew: Planning Your Life After 50: This toolkit is designed to help you examine your finances, priorities, and future possibilities. Whether you’re 50, 60, or older, the toolkit will help you think about and plan for important aspects of your future.

3) CDs/Audio recordings

Fitting Work & Life Together: Cali Williams Yost (www.worklifefit.com), one

of the nation’s leading authorities on work flexibility and author of the critically acclaimed books Work+Life: Finding the Fit That’s Right for You and Tweak It, shares work-life tips and strategies that will help you begin to make small changes that can have a big impact every day, and achieve success as you define it.

Optimizing Your Day: Gaining Control of Your Time: David Allen, author of the worldwide bestseller Getting Things Done

(www.davidco.com) and a leading authority on stress-free productivity, outlines his five-step program for how to optimize your day.

Navigating Your Career in a Changing Work World (podcast): Jacob Morgan, the author most recently of The Future of Work, describes how the workplace is changing and shares strategies to help prepare you for the challenges and opportunities ahead.

4) Booklets

Gratitude Journal: This small pocket journal offers an easy and appealing place for you to

write down and recall the things in your life for which you are most grateful — an activity which research has shown to be a key ingredient of happiness. By writing in it as often as you can, practicing gratitude will become a habit that will make you feel better and better.

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