College Essay Writing | 2013

Mr. Bobweave was a fat, ungrateful old man.

That gets the information across, but it’s boring. It simply tells the reader the basics about Mr.

Bobweave.

Mr. Bobweave heaved himself out of the chair. As his feet spread under

his apple-like frame and his arthritic knees popped and cracked in

objection, he pounded the floor with his cane while cursing that dreadful

girl who was late again with his morning donuts. How do we

see he’s fat?

How do we see he’s

ungrateful?

When in doubt, always ask yourself the “who,” “what,” “when,” “where,” “why,” and “how” of the scene. Include these.

“He was angry. She felt guilty. He hated her.”Telling emotion keeps the reader at arm’s length rather than

letting them experience the emotions along with the character.

Telling: Jennifer was sad because of the death of her daughter.

Showing: Jennifer stood face to face with the delicate porcelain doll Ellie idolized too much to even play with. The doll stared back, her face held in an immortal smile, mocking. No doll deserved to live longer than the little girl who owned her. Jennifer snatched the doll from the shelf and heaved her toward the far wall. The doll’s head exploded like fireworks.

“She said sadly. He asked sulkily. She said angrily. ”

If you feel like you need to use a tag other than said/asked/shouted for the reader to understand your meaning,

you have weak dialogue. Rewrite it to incorporate more emotion.

Telling: “Are you sure he escaped?” Annabelle asked anxiously.

Showing: “What do you mean he might have escaped?” Annabelle’s gaze darted to the door, and she chewed the edge of her thumb nail. “He either did or he didn’t. Which is it?”

Telling: She grabbed her bow to shoot the deer. The arrow arced through the air, and lodged in the animal’s throat. It sank to its knees. Dinner was served.

Most of this is showing. Except for the part underlined and bolded. The problem is we don’t actually see her shoot. We’re told why she grabbed her bow, and then the arrow is flying, but we’ve skipped the part when she fires the shot.

Showing: She grabbed her bow, aimed for the deer’s heart, and released the string. The arrow arced through the air, and lodged in the animal’s throat. It sank to its knees. Dinner was served.

Telling: She was ugly.

Showing: Richard couldn’t stop himself from staring at the button-sized wart in the middle of her forehead. Even if she didn’t want it removed, couldn’t she have at least plucked the hair?

Pick one or two carefully chosen details to show us your point of view.

SmellTouchTasteSoundLook