POINTERS

A CHAIN OF EVENTS LEADING TO ADULTERY

GOING FURTHER – RESOURCES Before A Bad Goodbye (by Tim Clinton) Confessions of an Adulterous Christian Woman: Lies That Got Me There; Truths That Brought Me Back (by Lyndell Hetrick) Torn Assunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair (by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke) Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Adultery (by Gary & Mona Shriver

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A CHAIN OF EVENTS LEADING TO ADULTERY Wayne Mack

It does not always happen the same way, but what follows is a

common pattern. Part of leading people back into a reconciled relationship after adultery, and part of helping individuals not fall into adultery in the first place, is helping them see those steps which often result in sexual sin. These steps often go from adultery in the heart to physical adultery, or what we usually consider “actual adultery.” Each step has the built-in opportunity to move towards the Lord or away from Him.

If you are trying to work to heal from adultery, each of the steps you see below that apply to you may be part of your needed repentance. Or if you find yourself somewhere on this pathway, we are warning you for the sake of your marriage and your testimony of Christ, turn before it is too late.

1. Presence of internal and/or external circumstantial factors that begin to open the door.

2. Growing awareness of a particular person. 3. Time spent noticing, thinking about the person’s

attractiveness – physically or relationally. 4. Unplanned, innocent meetings, contacts. 5. Spend time comparing with present mate. 6. Spend time thinking about personal unhappiness. 7. Planned, intentional contacts. 8. After occasion of natural interaction – seek other person out

for conversation.

9. Continue fellowship with this person after others depart. 10. Increasing awareness of good feelings when you are with the

other person. 11. Compare the way you feel about this person with the way you

feel about your mate. 12. Compare the way you are treated by this person with the way

you are treated by your mate. 13. Look for ways you can be with the other person for

apparently legitimate reasons. 14. Exchange of seemingly or near-innocent forms of physical

contact. 15. Escalates to embracing, perhaps an affectionate cheek peck

and then to passionate kissing. 16. Experience struggles with your conscience. 17. Minimization or denial followed by rationalizing. 18. Desire for contact (relational and physical) with each other

continues. 19. Actual sexual involvement. 20. Additional covert meetings. 21. Double life. 22. Others are suspicious and confront you. 23. Defensiveness, denial. 24. Truth revealed or exposed. 25. Decision time (1 of 3 choices)

a. Decide to continue the adultery and remain married b. Make plans to separate or get divorce c. Repent and seek to rebuild your marriage

POINTERS

DIRTY FIGHTING TECHNIQUES

20. Play the Martyr- if timed properly, this tactic can completely disorient the opposition. “You’re right, dear, I am hopeless,” can stop them in their tracks. An example of a less subtle form is “how can you say that after all I’ve done for you.” An extreme form is to threaten to kill yourself if they don’t shape up. 21. Use Money - “If you made as much money as _______,” or, “When you make as much as I do, then you can have an opinion,” are old favorites. 22. Use Children - “If you spent more time with them, they wouldn’t be failing,” “Do you want them to grow up like you?” 23. Use Relatives - “You are just like you mother” or “At least my family communicates” can break their concentration and undermine confidence. 24. Frequently and Readily Give Advice - By telling people how they should act, think, and feel, you can maintain a position of superiority while insisting you are only trying to be helpful. 25. Get Even - don’t settle for a compromise or an apology. Hold grudges for as long as possible as you might need those complaints in future arguments. 26. Use Terminal Language - For example, if you happen to be upset by the fact that the room wasn’t straightened, start with, “You are such a slob,” to suggest that it is their existence and not their behavior at question. 27. Be Inconsistent - Keep them off balance by changing your position. Try complaining that they never talk to you and then ignore them when they do. 28. Others - this list should only be considered suggestive of the range of tactics to be drawn from. With practice and creativity, participants should be able to come up with numerous innovations. FBC Recommended Action Point: Circle three you’d like the Lord to help you remove from your personal repertoire over the next three – six months. Begin praying about it and taking steps of obedience as He shows them to you. See especially Ephesians 4:17-30 and Colossians 3:1-17. GOING FURTHER - Resources Resolving Everyday Conflict (by Ken Sande) Easy reading and the most solid biblical teaching you can get on resolving conflict in a God-honoring way. A Lasting Promise (by Scott Stanley, et al) This book effectively teaches how to avoid making disagreements into open war.

DIRTY FIGHTING TECHNIQUES: WAYS TO BE SURE YOUR CONFLICT INJURES THE RELATIONSHIP

Used by permission (2018)* *Turning Points Social Service Agency P.O. Box 74, Dumfries, VA 22026 703-221-4951

1. Timing - Pick the right time to begin an argument. Late at night, during a favorite

TV show, after several drinks or just before your spouse has to leave for work are perfect options. As a general rule, look for the time they least expect it or are least able to respond.

2. Escalation- Move quickly from the issue to questioning their personality to whether it is worth the effort to stay together (issue-to-personality-to-relationship). Interpret the other’s shortcomings as evidence of “bad faith” and the impossibility of a happy relationship.

3. Brown Bagging - List as many problems as possible in as much detail as possible. Don’t stick to the original issue; rather, throw in all the problems you can think of. Don’t limit yourself to the immediate issue. If they can’t recall the offense, even better.

4. Overgeneralize - Use helpful words like “always” and “never,” as in, “You are always late.” This is likely to distract your spouse into discussing the overgeneralization rather than the issue and insure further misunderstandings.

5. Cross-complain - Respond to any complaint your partner may raise with one of your own. For example, “I’m late? Well, if it you ever had any clean clothes for me….” If done properly, you can balance their complaint against your complaint forever.

6. Crucialize - Exaggerate the importance of the issue with statements such as, “If you really loved us, you would never have done that,” or “This proves that you don’t care.” Never concede that an issue is not absolutely critical, absolutely requiring immediate resolution.

7. Ask Why - “Why didn’t you clean up?” Or, “Why were you late?” Implies that there must be something terribly wrong with them and that at issue is something more than some simple problem behavior that might otherwise be equally resolved.

8. Blame - Make it clear that the fault lies entirely with them and that once again you are simply the innocent victim. Don’t admit that your behavior plays any part in the difficulty. Make sure they realize that they must change first.

9. Pull Rank - Rather than depend on the merits of your argument, pull rank by reminding him or her that you make more money, have more education, or are wiser or more experienced in such matters. Anything that enhances your status at their expense should be used.

10. Don’t Listen; Instead, Dominate - Any time you appear to be listening, you run the risk of suggesting that you value your partner’s opinion. Consider talking while they are presenting their case, pretending to read, or falling asleep.

11. List Injustices - this is a great morale builder. By reciting every injustice, or inequity you have experienced in the relationship, you will experience a renewed sense of moral self-righteousness. You can use this to justify almost any activity you have always wanted to engage in. For example, “Since you went ahead and bought that dress, I can buy a new car.”

12. Label - by labeling somebody in a negative manner you can create the impression that they are totally at fault. Psychological label (i.e., “childish”, “neurotic,” “insecure,” or “alcoholic”) are particularly effective in obscuring issues where you may be vulnerable.

13. Mind Reading - Decide that you know the real reason why someone is acting in a certain way. That way, you can avoid having to debate issues. For example, “You only said that to set me up,” or, “You don’t really feel that way,” are particularly effective.

14. Fortune-telling - Predicting the future saves you the effort of trying to resolve problems. “You will never change,” or, “It would be easy for me to change, but you wouldn’t live up to it,” are statements which can protect you from having to make any effort at all.

15. Sarcasm - This is a great way of saying something without having to take responsibility for the communication. If you can say, “You’re so smart…” just right, you can imply that they are stupid and deny that you said it at the same time.

16. Avoid Responsibility - Although not very elegant as a tactic, saying “I don’t remember” can bring the discussion to an abrupt halt. Alcohol or fatigue can serve the same purpose, as in, “I must have been drunk.”

17. Leave - No problem is so big or important that it can’t be ignored. Walk out of the room, leave home, or just refuse to talk. Sometimes just threatening to leave can accomplish the same ends without the inconvenience involved in actually leaving.

18. Reject Compromise - Don’t back down. Why settle for compromise when with a little luck you can really devastate them (and the relationship). Stick with a “one winner” philosophy.

19. Personalize - anybody can resolve conflicts if you stick to the issue. By shifting to personalities you can generate enough defensiveness to keep the conflict going forever.

From an Anonymous FBC Member

I grew up in a Christian home surrounded by acceptance and security from loving parents who took us to church and taught us about God’s great love. I only remember a few small instances of disagreements between my parents and if there were more, they must have kept them away from us. I was blessed to have a peaceful and pleasant childhood

Jason (not his real name) grew up in a broken home with non-Christian parents, and did not know acceptance and security like I did. He under-stood that God knew everything and created everything, but it ended there. Jason’s father left their home when he was only eight and he remembers clearly the fights and arguments that took place in their home. His dad left his mom for another woman with whom his mom had a friendship.

Jason loved both parents. Even though his dad left home, he still want-ed to please his dad and spend time with him, but when he came around, arguments often began between his parents. He felt like no matter what he did, he would make one of them unhappy.

For example, one day Jason’s dad asked him if he wanted to go to the beach with him. He jumped at the chance. Jason did not know that his dad would also take his girlfriend along, but his mom knew. As usual, an argument started and escalated to the point where Jason began yelling “I don’t even want to go to the beach! Forget about it!” Sure he wanted to go, but not if it would cause the two people he loved to ar-gue and hate each other.

In his junior and high school years Jason missed the influence of his father and began to rebel. He began to take drugs, party, and pursue girls. His former involvement in sports began to take a back seat to drinking and drugs. He only did enough in school to pass, and was often at odds with his mom for getting in the way of his lifestyle. In his mind,

When he was about 14, his dad remarried, moved to another state and became a believer. His visits to his dad’s house began to include discus-sions about God. At age 16, Jason’s dad told him about the end times. He was sure that he didn’t want to be around for the judgments of God, and that night, he understood the gospel and the penalty that Christ paid for his sin, and believed. After he was saved, he returned to his home town but continued his former lifestyle. He had very little teaching at this point. There were even times where he tried to share the gospel with some of his friends, but it had not yet affected his lifestyle.

The summer between his junior and senior year of high school, Jason spent with his dad because his mom was losing control of him and want-ed his dad to fix him. The summer was filled with learning new things about God from his dad and from the church they were attending. The youth ministry at this church had a big impact on him. And even though he would get stoned before he arrived at youth group, he was beginning to grow in his relationship with God. At the end of the summer he was afraid to go back to his old friends where there was no godly influence.

His mom was not happy about it, but Jason decided to stay with his dad and complete his last year of high school there. The year would prove to be a year of great struggle and great growth. His stepmom was suspi-cious of his drug use, and caught him red-handed. His dad came home and offered two options. “Do you want a whoopin’ or do you want to take me on in a fight?” Jason’s dad was no match for his 17 year old son. Jason was filled with conviction and opted for the belt. He had also given some drugs to his stepsister, and when his stepmom discovered this, she came down hard on him for coming into their home and ruining her daughter.

Jason finished his final year of high school and spent the next year work-ing. He also took evening classes at a nearby Christian college and his re-lationship with God grew. Things were still not always easy at home. His dad spent his time trying to appease his spiritually immature wife and again had little time for Jason.

Jason and I met in college and fell in love quickly. He was handsome, gen-uine and loved the Lord. We both had the same goals for our future. We began dating, were engaged and married within a year. We were both immature in our faith and I had idealistic ideas about marriage. Struggles

did, I didn’t understand why things were not as smooth as I thought they would be. I thought that all my needs would be met, and it would be just as easy to meet his needs and we would live happily ever after.

Because Jason had witnessed unfaithfulness in his parents’ relationship, and had spent many years living an unfaithful, lustful life himself, he feared that my heart may turn from him at any moment. He knew that un-faithfulness begins in the heart, and he began immediately to question my every move. When I put on make-up or dressed cute, he asked me who I was trying to impress. Whose attention are you trying to attract? His view of girls as a teen did not help matters because he figured that every guy out there would be lusting after his wife (the way that he had lusted after many others).

I felt he was attacking my motives and was shocked by his questions. Why would he think these things? I got defensive and angry. I didn’t think it was wrong for me to look nice, but suddenly I felt guilty for it. He made me feel like I was a terrible wife because he viewed me as wanting to attract atten-tion and lure men to me. This was not my intention, but he made me feel like I should see that this was the message I was sending to the world.

There were many things he did not want me to do, or places he did not want me to go alone. He got angry with me if I talked to or made eye con-tact with another man. His accusations were, however, very inconsistent. We sometimes made friends with other couples, and it was fine when we spent time with them, but other times it was not. I could tell the moment he thought I was too friendly or did the wrong thing and would feel very uncomfortable and guilty and I had no clue what I had just don

I wanted to be myself and friendly to everyone, but I began to be afraid. I worried about when the next convincing accusation would come. When it did, I defended my actions but he would say, “Look, I know what I saw you do.” What was I to say to that? These incidents occurred several times each week and it was controlling our marriage and consuming us.

Each time these things happened we talked them out. I would admit my insensitivity and he would ask me to forgive him for these feelings that he had. They would come up so quickly and control his thoughts and mind that he could not stop them. He was ashamed each time it happened and didn’t want to admit to me the weakness, but he did anyway.

When I took my wedding vows, I knew this relationship was for life, and I had no interests in other men. It never occurred to me that he would wor-ry about my commitment. I just felt the attacks and tried hard to curb my behavior so I would not be accused, but there was no way I could predict what would set him off. I tried to do all the right things, and became self-righteous. “He is unreasonable. I’m right. He does not love me like Christ loves the church.”

Jason and I were both growing in our relationship to the Lord and as we grew, he became more willing to share with me his struggles in these are-as and why he responded the way he did. He did love me. He had a great fear of losing me and was trying to hold on to me. He was using manipula-tion and control to keep me close. His childhood insecurities had formed how he reacted. He began to learn about his security in Christ and that he was accepted in Christ, made a new creature and did not have to yield to these thoughts and fears. These truths began to take hold in his life and he shared them with me, and I began to understand about my fleshly, self-righteous reactions.

I knew that my responsibility as a wife was to honor my husband and sub-mit to him. I wrestled with the challenge because I felt falsely accused. Often I felt sorry for myself. My temptation was to tell someone and get them to sympathize with me and tell me that I was right and he was wrong. But I had a check in my heart about that. “Wouldn’t that be dis-honoring to my husband?” The real question for me was, “Is God big enough to be my advocate?” Could I trust Him to bring us together? Was-n’t there a work that God wanted to do in both of us? Could I trust Him to do it, even when I was convinced that it was only Jason that needed to change, and I was doing everything right? What did God have in this for me?

One day after years of struggle, during another fight with tears and frus-tration, he said that he needed to know that I only desired him, and no one else. “What? Of course I do.” I thought that was what I communicated every time I disputed his accusations! But he explained to me that I was defending myself which made him feel more insecure.

Finally, a breakthrough! I would have never been able to figure this out on my own. It did not change things immediately though because my reaction to his struggle had become a knee jerk reaction, and I quickly responded out

of self-defense before I could stop and think about him and what his heart was longing for.

Again he apologized each time and we talked. He wanted so badly to just quit thinking this way, but he couldn’t just choose to stop. It would over-whelm him like a flash flood and was in the midst of raging feelings before he even knew what was happening. Slowly God began to give me compas-sion for him as I thought about what it would be like to constantly fear that the one you loved most would leave you.

Anything that involved other people taking my time or energy threatened him. This included friendships with other women, and even sometimes our kids. When a person is insecure in relationships it affects a marriage in ways you would not expect. It can seem like an attack or attempts to control, when really it is longing to be loved and accepted. Jealousy reared its head even as I spent time with the kids because he feared being left out and that feeling of rejection is so strong. I did not al-ways understand this and did not always respond correctly. I knew that I had been called to honor my husband but sometimes my focus was on his actions which I resented, instead of on the Lord as my security.

At this time, I began to ask God to show me what honor and respect looked like. Slowly He showed me that I may need to give up friends to show him that he was more important than anyone else in my life. God also helped me to see that I needed to intentionally help build the relation-ship between Jason and the kids. I knew that the kids needed to see my respect for him to follow my lead. I tried to help the relationship our kids had with him. I tried to support his decisions, even when I felt he had been harsh with them, because I wanted our kids to honor him as I knew they should.

I did not always succeed in my efforts and failed every time my focus was upon my circumstances. Like Peter when he walked out to Jesus on the water, he became overwhelmed by the storm when he focused on it, in-stead of on the only one who had control of the storm. God knew before Jason and I married that these would be our issues and he was sufficient to take us through them. I knew that God had brought both of us a long way, and I was learning what it meant to be a helper to my husband.

Growing up, I thought a helpmate was someone who cooked meals and kept the home neat. I learned that God would have more for me than that.

It meant that I should honor him as God told me to, have compassion for him in his struggles and do what I could to comfort him and most of all love and support him.

When our children were young, it was very challenging for me because of all the demands of having three kids very close together. Every night I would fall into bed and want nothing more than to sleep. Naturally my husband’s desires were different than mine, and I struggled with being selfish with my body. Many times I stood my ground and failed to be the wife God wanted me to be, which aroused the rejection issue again. God’s Word clearly states that husband and wife are to engage in sex regularly so they will not be tempted. And who could blame him for feeling the way he did? If I had wanted a hug from him or a kiss as he left for work and he refused, how would I feel? My body is not my own. I have given it to my husband to be in unity with him as long as we both shall live.

Jason was afraid that people didn’t like him, including my parents. I kept telling him that they did, but he was hard to convince. It made me really glad that I had not shared my struggles with my mom or dad as it would have driven a wedge in their relationship which could have been permanent. I did not want to dishonor him before my parents and cause them to view him in a bad light. I cared what people thought about him and I wanted to increase the world of people that he could trust, not tear it down.

Jason’s fleshly responses were more glaring than mine. It would have been quite easy for me to hide behind my self-righteous attitude and point only to his sin, and others would have agreed with me! But God in His grace spoke to me and showed me my own part which was much harder to find. “The heart is deceitful above all things, who can know it?” Other people sure don’t know it, especially if they are only hearing my side of the story. I also discovered that even I don’t know it. I thought I did, but I was wrong. I was not as holy as I would like to be-lieve I was.

If I had the attitude that I have a right to not be wrongly accused and treated him accordingly I would have increased his insecurities and complicated his struggle. But by God’s grace, He revealed to me this stronghold and as Jason’s helpmate, enabled me to respond and func-tion in ways that uplift and strengthen him so he can overcome them rather than be overtaken by them.

There is only one relationship that God calls us to “one flesh” in and that is husband/wife. We are called to raise our children to mature and leave home, but our marriage is permanent. Are we doing more to nurture our kids or our marriage? It is easy for moms to put more time and effort into their children’s lives while their husbands wither and die without notice because they should not be so needy. I contend that most of these une-qual relationships where one spouse is from a rough background and one is from a good Christian family, there will be these same types of issues. Although each one will look different, I believe we can help these rela-tionships if first we are aware of them.

The struggles we have today are much fewer and farther between. They still have their root in the same ground where they began, but God has taken these two people with ugly fleshes, given us new life and has taught us how to live more in the Spirit. After 30 years of marriage, I think he is finally convinced that I won’t leave him, but there are still things that I give up to be sensitive to him. My life is not my own. Looking back I see that without these issues my natural independence and self-sufficiency could have driven us to a functional coexistence, but God wanted some-thing more for us, and he had to send us into the stormy sea to teach us dependence on Him alone. God wanted us to have an intense love for each other that glorified Him and gave Him the credit.

I believe these issues, though difficult, have led to a much deeper love and respect and appreciation for each other than a marriage marked by ease. I need to remember every day that without God I can do nothing. With God all things are possible. We need not take things into our own hands and demand change from our spouse, all the while ignoring our own sin. Will God bless you while you sin, dishonoring your husband, or the marriage bed? Faith in God is following God’s plan for marriage and trusting Him for the outcome.

Sure you can put the blame on him because he is in sin, but God’s work begins in you. Why? Because the barrier of pride and self-righteousness in you must be broken. As long as you still believe you are doing the right thing and he is wrong, your pride will stand. Many Christians are swim-ming in dangerous waters in the wisdom of human reasoning and worldly logic, but God’s ways are not our ways and His ways are worth finding out.

POINTERS

WHEN ROMANCE IS GONE

5. Make sure your spouse knows that you think he or she is great. Nothing is more romantic than knowing that someone really likes you. Every person wants to be highly thought of. Find one good thing about your spouse and mention your appreciation every day. Or find a special time, look your spouse in the eyes and mention three things about him or her that you think are wonderful.

6. Write a letter, by hand. Here’s a corollary to the previous idea: Put down on paper some things you are grateful for about your spouse. Choose a special moment to present the letter to him or her; make sure your spouse has peace and quiet to enjoy your note.

7. Ask questions every day. Don’t let the pace of life rob you of a chance to share your thoughts, ideas, and dreams … and to hear your spouse’s. Keeping communication and intimacy alive is a prerequisite for romance. Talk with your spouse about things they are interested in. Ask nonthreatening questions that show you care.

Every marriage needs romance. No one wants to go through life with a spouse who is more business partner or roommate; we all go into marriage looking for a lifelong lover and companion. Take steps this week to enhance or reignite romance in your marriage.

Adapted from The Marriage Prayer by Patrick Morley and David Delk. Published by Moody Publishers. Copyright ©2008 by Patrick Morley and David Delk. Used with permission.

GOING FURTHER – RESOURCES

Building Up Your Spouse (by Dennis Rainey)

Enjoying Your Marriage in the Second Half (by Mike & Linda Montgomery

Staying Close (by Dennis Rainey)

Attend a Family Life Weekend To Remember (familylife.com)

WHEN ROMANCE IS GONE Patrick Morley and David Delk © 2009 FamilyLife.com

“There’s just no fire there.”

“He doesn’t love me anymore.”

“She acts like I’m her brother, not her lover.”

“It feels like we’re just living together as roommates.”

We hear comments like this from men and women all the time. In our busy world, it’s easy for the feeling of romance to fade away. What’s going on when this happens? There are at least two possibilities.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS Every day won’t feel as electric as what you experienced in the movie theater as a twenty-year-old. The loss of jobs, sick in-laws, teenagers whose grades aren’t what they should be, the death of a friend, and intense projects at work—life is not a chick flick. Life is filled with all kinds of circumstances that simply cannot be romantic. That’s okay. All disappointment is a result of unmet expectations. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page about the stresses and realities of what’s happening in your life right now. Your life-stage and current circumstances profoundly affect the state of your romantic relationship.

FORGETTING WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE Perhaps you’ve forgotten what your “love” actually looks like to your spouse. You aren’t actually cherishing your spouse the way God cherishes you. You don’t love God more than them and them more than anyone or anything else. When we “love” like this, romance withers and dies. First Corinthians Chapter 13 is a great diagnostic to evaluate our daily love. It shows us how true love acts toward others. Perhaps you’ve read it many times, but what if we made this passage specific for you? How would your love measure up? Insert your name in the blanks below (where “love” appears in the original).

_______________________ is patient _______________________ is kind _______________________ does not envy _______________________ does not boast

_______________________ is not proud _______________________ is not rude _______________________ is not self-seeking _______________________ is not easily angered _______________________ keeps no record of wrongs _______________________ does not delight in evil _______________________ rejoices with the truth _______________________ always protects _______________________ always trusts _______________________ always hopes _______________________ always perseveres How did you do? Your score out of 15? ___________________

SEVEN IDEAS TO CREATE A ROMANTIC ATMOSPHERE

Need any help creating an atmosphere that promotes romance? Choose one of the ideas below and do it right away. Don’t tell your spouse which one you picked—yet. Begin to implement your choice, then come back in a week or so and talk about any changes you’ve noticed in your relationship:

1. Talk about special memories. Reconnect by remembering your first date, the night you became engaged, or important moments in your early marriage. It’s too easy to forget all that God did to bring you together.

2. Have lots of little interactions with your spouse. A whirlwind getaway to a New York luxury hotel won’t be romantic when disconnected from the hundreds of interactions from the previous weeks. Hold hands, ask an open-ended question, send a text to her cell phone, fold clothes together, call from the car on the way home, or fix your spouse a bowl of ice cream. Take advantage of the little opportunities life presents.

3. Spend time together. Make a point to spend some time together each day for the next week or so—take a walk, play a game, or do the dishes. Before you go to bed, make sure you’ve done something together that included quality time.

4. Buy a gift for each other. Set a dollar limit and both go shopping to buy a small gift for one another. Plan a quiet evening and give your gift and the reason you selected it.