greta goyter, woman of tumult… 1: a jamboree for you ... luckily, kindly kyle canning, the local...

T E R R E N C E F L E M I N G Material written for Microsoft’s Office Content Publishing Group

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My manager approached me to write an entertaining blog for The

Microsoft Office Blog that also incorporated Office tips. The

blog is entitled Greta Goyter, Woman of Tumult, and it’s a

satire of old radio soap opera serials, with a decidedly MS

Office twist. I also created the banner for it…

In the small town of Tumult, USA, nothing is what it seems, and everything is infrequently the way it

looks! This is the continuing saga of…

Greta Goyter, Woman of Tumult… Episode 1: A Jamboree For You and Me

The last we saw Greta Goyter, her relationship with her on-again off-again boyfriend Diarmuid was on

the rocks, little Bobby the neighborhood paper boy had eaten a patch of strange mushrooms that had

randomly grown in her garden (and minutes later started demanding people refer to him as the

“Emperor of Greenland”), and Greta’s mother Ulrika had become convinced that a small shrew in a

wizard’s hat named “Albert the Immoderate” was living in her bunions. Now Greta faces an even bigger

challenge – Rhona Torquil (a name that, roughly translated, means “angry island girdle of Thor”), the

head of the Hale and Hearty Ladies League, has assigned her with the task of advertising the group’s

upcoming Jello Jamboree, but how can Greta spread the word when the only thing she’s ever marketed

was her sunshine smile and good, old-fashioned horse-sense to one sullen and occasionally gasping

Diarmuid?

Luckily, kindly Kyle Canning, the local taxidermist, has the answer. He uses Microsoft Publisher to make

brochures every time he runs a three-for-one stuffing special, so he passes along the crystal clear

instructions (see below) and helps save the day for Greta.

Now if only he could tell her he loved her!

http://blogs.office.com/

http://blogs.office.com/


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Start a brochure

1. Start Publisher.

2. In the Publication Types list, click Brochures. –Choose one of the starting designs, and click Create. There are some really great styles to choose from.

3. When the brochure template opens, in the Format Publications window (on the left) you can choose Font Schemes and Color Schemes. Under Page Options, you can also add a customer address or your company logo.

4. Replace the text in the template with your own information.

For complete instructions, check out this short video from Brainstorm, Inc., or this Help and How-to article:

http://www.brainstorminc.com/cbt/microsoft/help.php?file=publisher1

Create brochures that help you sell in Publisher

And for the latest information on using Publisher, follow the Publisher blog

Episode 2: Towers of Gelatin, Towers of Tears

The last we saw Greta Goyter, she’d just had a rousing success advertising the Jell-O Jamboree for the

Hale and Hearty Ladies League, and with the possible exception of Old Man Poffenbarger inhaling a lime

cube, the function went off without a hitch. Even Greta’s mother, Ulrika Goyter, was given a reprieve

from her hysterical hallucinations long enough to enjoy a cherry-flavored, gelatinous bust of Margaret

Thatcher.

But as soon as Greta heaved a sigh of relief over the party’s smooth execution, none other than Roy

Moritis, heir to the Moritis Truss fortune and known throughout the town as “Ingrate Roy the ungrateful

heir with his ungrateful air, and admittedly bad hair,” sauntered over to Greta, tipsy from Jell-O shots.

He demanded to know how the centerpiece gelatin Eiffel Tower had been constructed, and how on

earth it could stand upright, independent of the sort of support that had obsessed his truss-

manufacturing family for generations! Fortunately for Greta, little Billy - the brainy Mumpford boy

who’d designed the tower - had overheard Roy’s question, and said he’d email him the blueprint file.

“But I can’t open those things!” a predictably deficient Roy protested.

“No problem,” Billy smiled, and directed him to Microsoft’s Visio, which has a CAD integration feature

that enables people without advanced engineering applications (such as AutoCAD) to read technical files

made by them.

As a humbled Roy stumbled away, Greta thanked Billy with a teeming bowl of congealed caramel. Little

did she know, he’s spasmodic!

http://www.brainstorminc.com/cbt/microsoft/help.php?file=publisher1

http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/publisher/HA101078031033.aspx?pid=CH100487781033

http://blogs.msdn.com/microsoft_office_publisher/


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CAD Integration in Visio

The basic CAD integration features in Visio are import, conversion and export.

Import lets you open or insert a CAD drawing into a Visio document and display the drawing on a Visio page. To Open a CAD drawing in Visio, on the File menu click Open and change the file type to an AutoCAD drawing. You can insert a CAD drawing by choosing CAD drawing on the insert menu.

The CAD drawing remains in its native form inside an ActiveX control, but you can choose the insertion scale and layer visibility for the drawing contents. To access these properties, right-click on the CAD drawing object and choose CAD Drawing Object > Properties.

Conversion is the process where some or all of the contents of a CAD drawing are changed into Visio shapes and placed directly on the page. To convert CAD shapes to Visio shapes, right-click the CAD drawing object, and then choose CAD Drawing Object > Convert.

Export is the ability to save a Visio drawing as a CAD drawing. Visio shapes are converted to CAD entities, and any inserted CAD drawings are written back out as is. You can export using the File > Save As menu command and changing the file type to AutoCAD drawing.

For more information, please visit Microsoft’s Visio blog:

http://blogs.msdn.com/visio/archive/2006/07/25/676957.aspx

Episode 3: Billy Mumpford’s Clever Conniption

Last we saw Greta Goyter, Billy the brilliant Mumpford boy had saved her from being embarrassed

during the Jell-O Jamboree by the surly ingrate Roy Moritis, and out of thanks she made him a bowl of

pudding. But what she didn't realize is - Billy suffers from acute hyperactivity! As soon as Billy's mother,

Mitzy, got him home, she recognized that he was in the midst of a massive, sugar-fueled fit, and bitter

experience had taught her that the only way to calm him down was to help him be (in the words of his

Scoutmaster) "a brainy little buddy of can-do democracy."

First, she led him to the aquarium where he'd successfully mated sea monkeys and silver fish to create

the new species "silver monkeys." Unfortunately, there wasn't anything there to ease his mind, as the

silver monkeys were roughly ten times the size of their parents, and had accidentally devoured them the

night before while yawning. Next, she guided him to the remote-controlled roller-robot he'd built, but in

Billy's state all he could do was growl and steer the metallic fellow into walls. Then it hit her! Get him to

focus on writing more of his third-grade thesis The Effect of Nuclear Fusion on the Genetic Engineering of

Unicellular Ciliate Protozoa – a speculation. Not only did it help Billy focus his energies, but watching him

taught Mitzy a slew of keyboard shortcuts in Microsoft’s Word! Another ordeal averted…

Next week: The return of Grainne - Diarmuid’s old flame!

Top Five Favorite Keyboard Shortcuts in Word:

1. CTRL+O to bring up the Open dialog box. 2. CTRL+S to bring up the Save As dialog box.

http://blogs.msdn.com/visio/archive/2006/07/25/676957.aspx


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3. CTRL+F to bring up the Find and Replace dialog box. 4. Press ESC to close a dialog box, a dropdown list, or a command list. 5. CTRL+B (Bold), CTRL+I (Italic), and CTRL+U (Underline) to format selected text.

More Word Shortcuts:

http://blogs.msdn.com/inside_office_online/archive/2009/07/28/favorite-word-keyboard-

shortcuts.aspx

Handy Excel Shortcuts:

http://blogs.msdn.com/inside_office_online/archive/2009/07/14/learn-3-time-saving-excel-keyboard-

shortcuts.aspx

Episode 4: Embedded Objects in Word, Secret Desires Heard

Last we saw Greta Goyter, she’d fed the brilliant but hyperactive Mumpford boy a bowl of pudding,

causing him to have a brainy fit that may well advance the theories of nuclear fusion. But now a new

shadow has crept across Greta’s doorstep. Grainne, Diarmuid’s ex-girlfriend, has returned to Tumult!

Flamboyant, tempestuous, prone to hiccups, and endowed with a head of black hair so thick a young

child once caught his hand in it (spraining a finger), Grainne had left for the Big City to make it as a

writer, but her novel Pour Me Into The Saddle: The Saga of The Liquid Jockey failed to find a publisher.

And since it took her twelve years to write, she didn’t have a back-up plan, except…

“Now she’s come back to steal my man,” Greta thought anxiously. “The daughter of the masseuse of my

mother’s neighbor’s gardener said so, so it must be true!”

O, how Diarmuid had loved Grainne during those agonized days of high school, and O, how Greta had

loved Diarmuid, from afar, all her notebooks deformed by the grip of her lovelorn fingers. And it was

only after Grainne dumped him on graduation day that Greta even had a chance to turn Diarmuid’s

head.

“She’s trying to embed herself into our lives again,” Greta thought. “But not like an Excel table in a Word

document. Not like something that creates a beautifully integrated office experience, but a beast that

destroys all it touches!”

Next week: Brawl at the Antique Mall!

Inserting an Excel table as an Object in Word:

1. Open both the appropriate Word document and Excel worksheet.

2. In Excel, select the worksheet, range of cells, or chart that you want to embed into Word.

3. Press CTRL+C.

http://blogs.msdn.com/inside_office_online/archive/2009/07/28/favorite-word-keyboard-shortcuts.aspx

http://blogs.msdn.com/inside_office_online/archive/2009/07/28/favorite-word-keyboard-shortcuts.aspx

http://blogs.msdn.com/inside_office_online/archive/2009/07/14/learn-3-time-saving-excel-keyboard-shortcuts.aspx

http://blogs.msdn.com/inside_office_online/archive/2009/07/14/learn-3-time-saving-excel-keyboard-shortcuts.aspx


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4. In Word, click where you want the information to appear.

5. On the Home tab, in the Clipboard group, click the arrow under Paste, and then click Paste Special.

6. In the As list, select Microsoft Office Excel object.

7. Click Paste to insert the information as an embedded object

For more information:

http://www.infopackets.com/news/carols_corner_office/2006/20060721_embed_excel_worksheets_in

_a_table_ms_word.htm

http://www.computorcompanion.com/LPMArticle.asp?ID=33

http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/word/HA101208101033.aspx

This next section is devoted to a series of screensaver scripts

I wrote for the Office group’s New Features team. The primary

purpose of All About Einstein is to educate users about the

contextual tabs and toolbars feature of The Ribbon…

All About Einstein

The words in blue appear on the screen. The words in parenthesis describe the imagery.

What if

(We see a question mark)

Einstein

(The question mark is replaced by Albert Einstein in his regular attire, dressed like the Einstein Office avatar)

had a southern accent?

(Regular Einstein is replaced by an Einstein dressed as a cowboy. He tips his hat at the viewer)

Or what if

http://www.infopackets.com/news/carols_corner_office/2006/20060721_embed_excel_worksheets_in_a_table_ms_word.htm

http://www.infopackets.com/news/carols_corner_office/2006/20060721_embed_excel_worksheets_in_a_table_ms_word.htm

http://www.computorcompanion.com/LPMArticle.asp?ID=33

http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/word/HA101208101033.aspx


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(Cowboy Einstein is replaced by the question mark)

Einstein

(The question mark is replaced by Regular Einstein)

was an excellent dancer?

(Fancy tap shoes appear on Regular Einstein’s feet. We see him do a brief dance move)

Or what if

(Dancing Einstein is replaced by the question mark)

Einstein

(The question mark is replaced by Regular Einstein)

was a great painter?

(Regular Einstein is replaced by an Einstein dressed as a painter, with a beret, painter’s smock, and curling mustache like Salvador Dali. He’s holding a paint brush and palette, and a canvas in an ornate frame appears on an easel beside him. He looks at the canvas this way and that)

How we frame something

(Painter Einstein paints a question mark on the canvas)

determines how we regard it

(Painter Einstein scrutinizes the question mark, shakes his head, then paints white over it)

If everything is relative

(Painter Einstein paints E=mc² on the canvas)

then why not use relativity to solve business problems?

(Painter Einstein scrutinizes the painting, shakes his head and paints over the equation in white. He’s frustrated)

A user interface that can predict your needs

(A floating glove appears and taps Painter Einstein on the shoulder)

and provide functions specific to them

(Painter Einstein turns around, the floating glove gestures like a game show hostess and the ribbon appears over Painter Einstein’s head – specifically the insert tab in Word. Painter Einstein points at the “Picture” button with his brush, and the glove pushes it. An “Insert Picture” window opens with six


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possible pictures to choose from. They are of: Cowboy Einstein, Dancing Einstein, an Einstein dressed like a pirate, an Einstein in a Tuxedo, an Einstein in a baseball uniform, and an Einstein in a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts and sunglasses. Painter Einstein points at Tuxedo Einstein with his brush, the border around the picture of Tuxedo Einstein flashes, and the image of Tuxedo Einstein appears on the canvas)

Welcome to the world of contextual tabs and toolbars

(Painter Einstein scrutinizes the picture of Tuxedo Einstein and shakes his head. The glove taps Painter Einstein on the shoulder again. Painter Einstein turns around. The floating glove points at the ribbon. We see that there’s now a “Format” Tab on it)

where your options change based on your decisions

(Painter Einstein points at the Format tab and the floating glove presses it. Now the ribbon changes again and we see all the options afforded by the Format tab in Word)

Highlighting the image causes the Format tab to appear

(Painter Einstein scrutinizes the options of the Format tab, and chooses “Picture Shape.” The Picture Shape menu appears, or a stylized version of it, which includes among its options “folded corner” and a smiley-face. Painter Einstein points his brush at the smiley-face, and the floating glove presses it. Now the picture of Tuxedo Einstein in the canvas is in the shape of a smiley-face)

On the Format tab are options specific to changing images in a document

(Painter Einstein scrutinizes the smiley-faced shape, then shakes his head. He’s fussy! He turns back to the ribbon, which is still displaying the Format options. He points his brush at the “Picture Shape” option again. The glove presses it. Painter Einstein points at the “folded corner” option. The glove presses it and the picture of Tuxedo Einstein now has a folded corner in the bottom right of the canvas)

A way to cut clutter, and present only those functions you need

(Painter Einstein scrutinizes the picture of Tuxedo Einstein, then shakes his head. He turns, points his brush at the “Reset Picture” option on the Format tab of the ribbon, and the “Insert Picture” window opens again. This time he points his brush at Beach Einstein – with the Hawaiian Shirt, Bermuda shorts and sunglasses. The border around Beach Einstein glows momentarily and the image of Tuxedo Einstein is replaced by Beach Einstein on the canvas)

It’s more than just right-click, now

(Painter Einstein stands, waves goodbye to the glove, and grabs the folded corner of the canvas and peels the painting away to reveal a portal, still in the painting frame. The portal is like a window in space-time, and reveals a beach-scene on the other side. Painter Einstein steps into the portal, and the frame of the painting expands to the breadth of the screensaver’s view, and we see a new Einstein lying on a lounge chair, on a beach, with an exotic drink in his hand. Obviously, some sort of Jeff Goldblum in The Fly telepod merger has taken place between Beach Einstein and Painter Einstein, and this new Einstein is dressed in a beret, Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts and sunglasses, and has the curling Dali mustache of Painter Einstein. There’s a small easel in the background that sports a canvas with a


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painting of a beach on it. This new Beach-Painter Einstein raises his drink at the viewer in salute, and drinks)

Office 2010 – where the ribbon gets relative

(The image of Beach-Painter Einstein fades, along with the text)

Here’s another screensaver script – this one about customizing

the Quick Access Toolbar…

Quick Access Toolbar


Burt had a problem.

(A figure appears. He's a "Larry the Cable Guy" type individual in overalls, work shirt, boots and baseball cap. He is Burt)

His tool shed was a mess

(A tool shed appears beside him)

So he hired Teddi, a tool shed organizer

(A professional business-woman in a fashionable business suit and extravagant hair appears beside him. She is Teddi - short for Theodora)

and he put her to the test

(We see Burt gesturing wildly and with frustrated abandon at his tool shed, and lines emitting from his mouth to signify that he's speaking to Teddi. He's obviously very frustrated by the decrepit state of his tool shed. Teddi, meanwhile, looks absolutely unfazed and calm)

They went into his tool shed

(We see Burt and Teddi walking into the tool shed)

And, indeed, it was quite a fright

(The scene expands out and now we're in the tool shed with Burt and Teddi. Instead of regular tools scattered hither and yon, we see icons of functions on the ribbon, such as the "B" on the Bold button, etc. Might be funny if there's something slightly askew about them - for instance, have a backwards "B" for Bold, to show how truly messy Burt is)

So Teddi started asking questions

(We see Teddi whip out a giant daybook calendar, open it, and start reading off a checklist. Lines emit from her mouth to signify that she's speaking. Burt either shakes his head no, or nods it yes in response)


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To try and help Burt with his plight

(Teddi's daybook calendar spins around and expands out to fill most of the screen, and we see giant, red check marks being written on the page, one after the next)

See, Teddi had been well-trained

(Next to the page where the check marks were written in the daybook calendar is a page with a small map of the United States on it - some daybook calendars have them. We shift our focus to this page. A circle flashes around the Redmond, WA area. We zoom towards the circle, like we're falling on Redmond)

by a guru of Feng Shui

(Without putting too fine a point on it, as we fall, we're really zeroing-in on the Microsoft campus. If there'd be some way to use an aerial photo of the campus, or the intranet map, but not tip our hand that it's Microsoft, that'd be preferable)

A master of User Interface theory

(We fall through the roof of one of the buildings on campus and through several of its floors)

and a black belt in karaté

(We fall through to a sunlight atrium where a man in a black robe, bare feet, and with a long, gray beard sits perfectly balanced on one of the those big, rubber balls they have at the gym. The reason? Because he is Bill Gates. He will not be referred to as Bill Gates, but I, personally, would like him to look as much like Bill Gates with a beard as possible. And the reason he's on a big, rubber gym ball is because in Bill Gates' retirement video, he had trouble remaining balanced on one of those balls, so I want to play off that here by showing that, in reality, he's such a well-balanced guru, he can sit perfectly on one)

Known only as "Gatesan"

(Teddi appears kneeling before Gatesan in a white karate gi, like a student in a karate dojo would to their teacher)

Gatesan taught her the disposition of the stars

(Gatesan rises to one leg on the ball, still perfectly balanced. He gestures grandly with his arms to the heavens. Teddi breaks out the ole' daybook calendar and takes notes)

the fickle nature of the winds

(Now Gatesan is gesturing wildly with his arms to demonstrate the fickleness of the winds, leaping from one foot to the other on the ball, still perfectly balanced. Teddi looks up from time-to-time, always taking notes)

and the passion of the sitar, which was an instrument he liked to play

http://msw/Campus/MapsBuildings/Maps/Pages/default.aspx


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(Suddenly, Gatesan drops back to a seated position on the ball. A Sitar appears in his hands and he plays it. Musical notes rise up from it. Teddi rocks back and forth to the beat, snapping her fingers)

But most of all, Gatesan told her

(Gatesan tosses the sitar away and raises one finger to signify he's about to disclose something super-important. Teddi sits up to listen)

the UI golden rule

(Gatesan gestures and the ribbon appears above his head – specifically: the home tab off Word. It stretches from one side of the screen to the other)

"Customization is King in the land of Efficiency,

(Gatesan leaps up from his rubber ball to the top of the ribbon. The rubber ball rolls away)

now let me take you to school..."

(The Quick Access Toolbar appears above the ribbon. Gatesan points to it)

To help Teddi learn the concept

(Gatesan hits the arrow by the Quick Access Toolbar above the ribbon)

Gatesan gave a demonstration

(A drop down menu appears. Gatesan touches the “More Commands” option)

Customize the Quick Access Toolbar

(A stylized version of the real dialog box appears)

to help with a person's vocation

(Gatesan gestures grandly, like he’s about to perform a magic spell)

You can add commands on the ribbon

(Gatesan claps his hand, and we see a select few command icons grow tiny legs and march over to the right side)

and even commands not there

(Gatesan touches the “Choose Commands From” option, and the actual drop down menu appears. Gatesan chooses “Commands Not In The Ribbon,” and a stylized version of the actual dialog box. Gatesan gestures again and a few of these commands grow tiny legs and march over to the right side, thus adding them to the toolbar)

Right-click for easy inclusion


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(Gatesan points to the first style window on the ribbon, claps his hands, and the right-click drop-down menu appears. He touches the “Add Gallery to Quick Access Toolbar” option, and it’s added to the toolbar)

And you won’t even muss up your hair!

(Gatesan pulls a hand mirror out of his robe and admires himself in it. And yes, his hair is un-mussed)

And so Teddi used her knowledge

(The scene with Gatesan collapses and is replaced by Burt and Teddi in the tool shed from before)

to help Burt arrange his tools

(Teddi turns into a whirlwind that flies all around Burt’s shed)

Now he’s so efficient

(Teddi stops whirling and the shed is now clean with all the command icons neatly organized on the shed’s walls)

his competition looks like fools

(We focus in on Burt’s face. He smiles and winks. The End)

This next piece is another screensaver script I wrote. I pitched

the idea of a psychedelic screensaver about the ribbon, narrated

by a fantastical character who speaks in rhyme like The Cat in

the Hat. I called him Gavin the Ribbon Gibbon. Here it is…

The Psychedelic Ribbon Gibbon

This psychedelic screensaver is more about design than story. The story, such as it is, concerns the origin of the ribbon, and is told in Cat in the Hat style rhyme. The words appear on the screen. The design should be reminiscent of Peter Max/Yellow Submarine. First, a narrator introduces Gavin The Ribbon Gibbon, then Gavin says the rest.

Narrator: You need a tour of the ribbon? Then you'll want to follow a gibbon This gibbon is Gavin But he won't be havin' Any bad info or fibbin'


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Image suggestions: Gavin, in a tuxedo and top hat, leaps out at us with a splash of Peter Max-like color

Gavin: The ribbon replaced the old menus A new sort of graphical venue A way to show options For your adoption So a workflow can continue

Image suggestions: restaurant menus featuring Windows functions flap by like birds, then the ribbon

unfurls like an actual ribbon

The ribbon was born from some questions

And other assorted suggestions

Given by folks

Who often made jokes

About flaws in the menus’ conception

Image suggestions: a roomful of talking heads - words flow out of their mouths and sail to a building

with the word “Microsoft” on the front

These folks told us to add functions

And associated conjunctions

To make Office better

And help them to fetter

Their daily stubs and malfunctions

Image suggestions: office workers milling about and tripping and stubbing their toes, some falling over

But what these folks couldn't see

Was that their new function decrees

Did already exist

In the menus' long lists

Concealed to a certain degree

Image suggestions: a row of office workers with menus rising behind them like skyscrapers

And so a decision was made

A new strategy was conveyed

Group the functions together

With a pictorial tether

A kind of command arcade


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Image suggestions: the menus break apart, the functions rising in the air and then falling in their

appropriate place on the ribbon

Many big tests were conducted

And a new process instructed

To make it a cinch

To find in a pinch

Any new or old function inducted

Image suggestions: a lab filled with scientists in lab coats hashing out a new process, we see equations

move by quickly, right to left

And now we hope you'll feel

That the ribbon clearly reveals

All those functions you need

To truly succeed

And make your work life ideal

Image suggestions: we wrap it up with Gavin again, he bows, leaps away with a surge of color

Here’s another screensaver script I wrote, similar in format to

All About Einstein.

Office 2010: Customize The Ribbon

Pertinent information derived from this blog post.


Must

(We only see the above words in the center of the screen)

automation

(The above word is dead center, but then splits in two. The “Auto” part rises up, and the “mation” part morphs into a moving assembly line with all the same type of car traveling on it)

inhibit innovation?

(The word “Auto” disappears and is replaced by the above words. Then the word “inhibits” disappears, leaving only the word “innovation” above the still-moving assembly-line. The word shifts over to the left

http://blogs.technet.com/office2010/archive/2009/11/09/making-the-ribbon-mine.aspx


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and is centered. The two i’s in innovation then grow taller, and the dots atop them transform into

Frankenstein-like gadgets that shoot a current of blue electricity at one-another. As soon as it does, the uniform cars on the assembly-line change to uniquely colored cars)

(One car drives off the assembly line and we follow it. The assembly line disappears)

If every journey is different

(A different car appears above the one that drove off the assembly line, and another one below. The one in the center is on asphalt. The one on the bottom is on a rough dirt road. The one above driving on a snowy road)

then each must require unique tools

(The car on the dirt road suddenly gets larger off-road tires, and the car on the snowy road suddenly gets chains on its tires)

Yet only 2% of Office sessions use custom toolbars

(The chains on the tires of the car on the snowy road disappear and the car skids out. The larger off-road tires on the car on the dirt road revert back to normal tires, and they tear on the jagged terrain and the car stops. The car in the middle continues to drive, leaving the other two behind)

But what if it was easy to tailor the ribbon?

(The car stops in the middle of the screen and five pit stop guys in jumpsuits run towards it from different directions. They surround the car and start working on it so fast they create a tiny whirlwind, obscuring themselves and the car. When they stop, the car has been replaced by a snippet of the ribbon beneath a tab entitled “My Tab.”)

Office 2010 ushers in a new era of customization

(The pit-stop guys disappear momentarily, and the ribbon snippet glows like a cinema marquee. It stops glowing and the pit-stop guys return)

Just right-click on the ribbon and choose the Customize option

(One of the pit-stop guys runs over to it and shakes the ribbon. A drop-down menu appears. Another pit-stop guy taps the “Customize The Ribbon” option, and a stylized version of the dialog box that would result appears)

Click the New Tab button

(A pit-stop guy runs over to the “New Tab” button and kicks it)

Rename it to suit the contents

(Another pit-stop guy kicks the “Rename” button and it opens a text box. He pulls a pen out of his pocket and scribbles “Dragster” in it)


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Now choose your commands

(All the pit-stop guys converge on the various tabs, choosing real functions and stylized ones. The stylized ones are car-related: Tire, Engine, Parachute, Fire, and Spray-Can)

and give it the old A-OK

(A pit-stop guy kicks the OK button)

You can even export your new tab to others

(A pit-stop guy kicks the “Import/Export” button and the appropriate drop-down menu appears. A pit-stop guy kicks the “Export All Customizations” option and the dialog box disappears, and five “Dragster” tabs appear, one for each pit-stop guy. Each guy runs over to his respective tab and they each hit the Tire, Engine, Parachute, Fire, and Spray-Can buttons. The tabs are obscured by individual whirlwinds, and when they dissipate, they’ve each been replaced by different dragsters. The pit-stop guys jump into their respective dragster and drive off the screen)

My manager had an idea to use the old Office assistant Clippy

for a video series to teach people Office tips. We hashed out a

six episode arc for the series, based on well-researched pain-

points about Office. He wanted me to write the first episode,

describing the origin of CLIPPY, which, in the world of the

video, turns out to be the next dimension in Help File

technology. Here’s what I came up with…

CLIPPY Episode 1 FADE IN:

INT. ASSISTOPREX LAB - DAY

A lab with an eerie glow. We hear the buzz and click and beep and hum of massive machinery. The

shapes and shadows of strange gadgets are visible on lab counters in the background.

We pan up to three scientists in lab coats and goggles sitting side-by-side behind a tall desk that extends

to either side, out of view. They are GERTRUDE, BERTRAM, and NATALIE. Displayed on the desk is a

corporate logo. It reads "ASSISTOPREX." The scientist in the middle, Bertram, speaks:


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BERTRAM

Initiate test sequence Alpha Theta Epsilon Quintillion Framastat Beta Beta Fudd...

We hear the roar of massive machinery kicking-in. The lights in the lab dim. All the scientists look

unfazed. The one on the left, Gertrude, sprays her throat with a Binaca-like breath mist. A very loud

buzzer erupts.

GERTRUDE & NATALIE (in unison)

Test sequence initiated!

BERTRAM

Unleash the subject!

The roaring machinery sound abruptly dies and is replaced by a loud, continuous series of beeps like an

auto-destruct countdown. The lights in the lab change to red.

We pull away and down and we hear the sound of a large, metal door opening. A figure darts in front of

our view. He is THE SUBJECT. He wears a suit similar to a Chromakey suit, all one color (only his face is

exposed), and small Christmas lights wrapped around his limbs. On his head is a construction helmet,

and on top of that spins (or sits) what looks like a large, rhinestone-speckled paper clip with bulgy eyes

nestled near the top of it.

The Subject walks quickly to three workers seated at small desks. Each are staring at computers.

We see the workers from above. They are seated in a triangular design, each desk facing inward to the

center of the triangle.

The Subject walks to the first worker and stares at their computer. The paper clip on his helmet, or

CLIPPY, begins to glow. The Subject's eyeballs roll into his skull.

THE SUBJECT

(shouts instructions to the first worker for how

to do a simple task in an Office application - to

be determined later)

We see quick-cutting screen captures as the first worker complies with The Subject's instructions,

resulting in success. The Subject moves to the second worker.

THE SUBJECT

(shouts instructions to the second worker for

how to do a simple task in an Office application

- to be determined later)


17

We see quick-cutting screen captures as the second worker complies with The Subject's instructions,

resulting in success. The Subject moves to the third worker. The lights in the lab start to flash and the

countdown beeps double-up, heightening the tension.

THE SUBJECT

(shouts instructions to the third worker for how

to do a simple task in an Office application - to

be determined later)

We see quick-cutting screen captures as the third worker complies with The Subject's instructions,

resulting in success. Just as the third worker finishes there's a long beep, and then the beeping stops and

the lights revert to normal. The test is over. It was a success!

The Subject slumps forward, leaning against the third worker's desk, exhausted. The helmet starts to slip

off his head.

Bertram sees the helmet slipping.

BERTRAM

THE PROTOTYPE!

Bertram vaults over the desk and dashes across the lab in slow motion.

BERTRAM (distorted, slow)

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The helmet falls off The Subject's head and Bertram slides across the floor and catches it in the nick of

time. He holds up the helmet.

ZOOM IN:

We see the CLIPPY prototype.

INT. ARCHITECTURAL OFFICE - DAY:

The office of an architectural firm. We see a man seated at a desk with his legs up and crossed. He's

laughing, talking on the phone. He is CHARLIE. He has a novelty name tag on his desk which reads:

"That's MR. Office Manager to YOU!"

CHARLIE (on the phone)

Hey, if architects knew anything about business,

they'd be developers.

He laughs contemptuously. We pan over to another desk where an architect is seated. She is DAWN. She

rolls her eyes and sighs.


18

CHARLIE (on the phone)

Yeah, yeah, talk to you...

Charlie hangs up and walks over to Dawn.

CHARLIE (cocky)

So - you got the blueprints or doodles or

whatever. I got to meet with this egghead,

already. Seal the deal on this thing.

Dawn shoots him a look and hands him some plan sets.

CHARLIE

Thanks, sweetness...

INT. CHARLIE’S CAR – DAY:

We see Charlie driving. He's still laughing contemptuously about something. He slows his car to a stop.

Now he seems impatient. He's waiting for someone to cross the street (we don't see who). He taps his

fingers against the steering wheel and growls. Finally, the road is clear. As he hits the gas, he screams

out his driver's side window:

CHARLIE

Get a walker with wheels, Grandma!

INT. ASSISTOPREX LAB – DAY:

A corner of the lab we didn't see before - a lounge area. We see Charlie seated on a couch. The plan sets

are on a table before him. Bertram is here. He opens a microwave and retrieves a cup of coffee. He

walks it over to Charlie and hands it to him.

We see that the CLIPPY prototype is clipped to the breast pocket of his lab coat.

BERTRAM

Microsoft wanted us to develop the next

generation of Meta Assistance Technology.

CHARLIE (bored)

Yeah.


19

BERTRAM

We decided to expand upon the idea of Clippy,

their former Office avatar...

Charlie yawns and takes a sip of coffee. He makes a face. It's too cold.

BERTRAM

The prototype utilizes a cutting edge type of

radar that detects only that flavor of anxiety

that results from a non-comprehension of

Microsoft Office products. Once the anxiety is

detected, the source is formulated, and a

solution to the distress is instantly calculated.

We see Charlie nodding off a little. He catches himself and puts his coffee mug on the table.

BERTRAM

Now that we've had our first successful field

test, these plans for our new facility will enable

us to begin phase two.

Both Bertram and Charlie lean forward to reach for the plans. Charlie, being groggy, misjudges the

distance and they accidentally knock heads, causing Bertram to flinch and throw his hands up in

defense. One of his hands knocks into the prototype. It falls off his lab coat and drops into Charlie's

coffee. Neither one sees this.

CHARLIE

Sorry.

BERTRAM (rubbing his head)

Excuse me, I - I need some ice.

CHARLIE

OK.

Bertram walks over to a fridge. Charlie tries to shake the fatigue off. He sees the coffee mug. He grabs it,

gets up and walks over to the microwave. He puts the mug in and presses the button for 1 min cook. He

walks over to Bertram, who has since retrieved ice from the freezer and is holding it against his brow.

They are both facing away from the microwave. A bright, red light is shooting out of it as the CLIPPY

prototype slowly liquefies in the mug.


20

CHARLIE

Sorry about that.

BERTRAM

I think I need some aspirin. I'll be back in a moment.

CHARLIE

Yeah, alright.

Charlie shakes his head and snorts as Bertram walks away. The microwave beeps. Charlie walks over and

retrieves the mug and drinks the coffee. All of a sudden his face turns red and he begins to shake.

ZOOM IN:

Charlie's eyes. There are paperclips in his pupils!

greta goyter, woman of tumult… 1: a jamboree for you ... luckily, kindly kyle canning, the local...

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