hand in hand parenting
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Hand in Hand Parenting. Slovenia National Congress Marriage and Family Counselors April 2014 Pam Oatis , MD Hand in Hand Parenting Building Emotional Understanding Instructor Medical Director Family Care Team Mercy Hospital. Welcome. Thank you. Thank you!!!. Hand in Hand Parenting. - PowerPoint PPT PresentationTRANSCRIPT
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Hand in Hand Parenting
Slovenia National Congress Marriage and Family Counselors
April 2014
Pam Oatis, MDHand in Hand Parenting
Building Emotional Understanding InstructorMedical Director Family Care Team Mercy
Hospital
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Thank you
Welcome
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Thank you!!!
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Objective Learn Listening Tools
Improve relationships with children and adults
Hand in Hand Parenting
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Please share with a person whom you don’t know Name Home town Are you a parent or do you have parents? If a
parent – what are your children’s ages? One thing you would like to learn today
Hand in Hand Parenting
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Story of a young physician
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Nonprofit trains parents and professionals Parenting by Connection 75% from Australia, Canada, Israel, France,
England, Romania, South Africa Switzerland and around USA.
Direct services >11,000 parents 2012
www.handinhandparenting.org
Hand in Hand Parenting
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Support parents Provide insights and skills Listen to and connect with their children Individual support Classes Result: Parents and children thrive
Hand in Hand Parenting Services
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Connection Connected parenting directly and powerfully reduces hurt and harm lives of individuals, families, and communities. Parents want to be close to their children, help them learn, love them fully, and see them thrive
Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas
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Parenting is not easy Parents handle multiple
roles, deal with much stress and need/deserve good support for their vital work.
Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas
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Feeling isolated/stressed => parents’ behavior to flare.
Regular access to a supportive listener to offer warmth and full respect makes powerful difference.
Good listener can reduce a parent’s sense of isolation, relieve stress, and improve a parent’s patience.
Me stressed
Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas
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Feeling disconnected or stressed causes children’s behavior to flare
Parents can reconnect through listening and limits
Children offload their negative feelings and regain sense of connection and better judgment.
Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas
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Listening, parent-to-parent and parent-to-child, builds connection
Listening conveys respect creates safety to dissolve emotional tension which disrupts caring relationships
Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas
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Respect and listening strengthen parents’ connection with their children and each
other, and reconnect them when stress has interfered
Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas Summary
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Comparing Parenting Models
Permissive
Uninvolved Controlling
Parenting by Connection
Warmth
Low
Limits
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Close parent-child connection throughout childhood and beyond is the strongest factor preventing health and social problems, involvement in drugs, violence, unintended pregnancies and medical problems
Successful Parenting ModelResearch
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Focuses only on that parent child connection
Combines warmth with reasonable expectations
Helps parents remain warm, engaged and connected while setting limits children need
Builds intelligence Result: Children develop judgment,
resilience, social, emotional and cognitive functioning without threat or punishment.
Parenting by Connection
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Connection is Vital
warmthrespecteye contactListening
trustcooperation
respect
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Brain “fed” by eye contact and aware touch with long moments of gaze and reciprocal conversation full of “I love you and want to understand you”
Neural pathways develop only when infant/child brain in flexible positive communication with an adult who is
tuned to the infant/child expressions, needs
Connection Comes First
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Thinking Follows
Connection
Prefrontal CortexAttentionReasoningJudgmentPlanningImpulse ControlShort-term MemoryFlexible thinking
Infant/child neural pathways grow700 synapsis per second first 2 years of lifeFirst 1000 days of life vital
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Research shows when sense of connection with parent or caregiver breaks it is an
emotional and developmental emergency for the infant/child
How Children’s Emotions Work
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We need to connect with someone to listen to our thoughts, feelings, goals
Listening and being listened to help parents connect Grows ability to enjoy parenting Grows ability to connect with children
Parents Also Need Connection
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Cluttered Mind Feelings can confuse us Emotions can cloud our thinking Feeling sad, scared,
overwhelmed, exhausted, alone, frustrated, blocks our thinking
Unhealed hurts leave us confused
Rigid irrational behaviors=>unhealthy relationships
Story Dx
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Adults agree to take equal turns listening to each other
Time to explore thoughts, set goals, talk, cry, laugh, tremble, yawn through tensions and upsets
Come to clearer thinking and functioning about ourselves and loved ones
NOT conversation
We have a solution to try:Listening Partnerships
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Natural healing system--laughter, tears, trembling, yawning DR story
As we talk emotional tension lifts We heal
Think and act flexibly intelligently
Listening Partnership
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Safe time and place to relearn this natural healing process
Listening gets this healing process restarted
Listening Partnership
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Each person—intelligent, good, expert on her/himself, no benefit from attempts to fix, blame, advice or criticizeDoing best given information, resources, hurts
Listening PartnershipFoundation
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Take equal turns listening2 people thinking about 1
person
Simple but takes practice
Respect your partner
Listening PartnershipHow To
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“What was that like for you?” “Tell me more.” “What else?” “What do you think might be happening?” “Oh, I am sorry.” “What bothers you about it?” “What was the first time you remember
feeling like that or saw someone do something like that?”
Listening Partnership:Questions Listener Might
Ask
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Remembers own and the partner’s inherent goodness
Focused attention on partner is powerful resource
Keep face relaxed smile Interest Respect Appreciation No questions out of own curiosity No advice, interruption or judgment CONFIDENTIALITY—no repeating what is
said
Listening PartnershipRole of the Listener
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Commitment to Confidentiality
Confidentiality
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Take charge of what we talk about
Encourage honesty, no filtering
Topic that is cluttering mind
Trust mind to bring up what it is ready to off load
Notice feelings Stay feeling the feelings
Listening PartnershipRole of the Talker
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Take Turns Listening
* Who, if anyone, listened to you when you were a child?OR* What was a moment you felt your mind freeze or feel too cluttered? What was that like?
3 minutes each
Listening PartnershipLet’s Try It
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Listening PartnershipsReaction
What was that like? Listener Talker
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Listening Builds Intelligence
ListenerRespectWarmth
confidence
TalkerSafety builds
Intelligence
grows
Tension ReleaseTalking
LaughterCrying
TremblingTantrums
Intelligent Actions
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Not a 5 minute quick fixTry 10, then 30, 45 minutes eachSet weekly dates with listening partner: Life story Goals Successes/challenges
Listening PartnershipTakes Time
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Comparing Parenting Models
Permissive
Uninvolved Controlling
Parenting by Connection
Warmth
Low
Limits
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Parenting by ConnectionListening Tools
Adult to Child Staylistening Playlistening Setting Limits Special Time
Adult to Adult Listening
Partnerships Support Group
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Parents can help children heal emotional bumps and bruises of childhood.
As you listen, crying, a natural recovery process heals the hurt
Staylistening – Basics
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The person at his side staying with warmth and kindness rebuilding confidence and connection becomes a treasured loved one.
After we listen to tears and feelings blurted out, his mind is free to return to confidence, hope, flexibility and learning with heart kept open for friendship and cooperation.
This recovery process—crying until the hurt is gone—comes naturally.
STORY my gm, CLEANING UP TOYS , palliative care
Staylistening
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What would it be like to stay and listen? How would it feel not to quiet, distract, or
give in? 2 minutes each
Listening Partnership
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“My wife and I are therapists who work with parents, children, and adults who once were children. We love your materials both professionally and personally. Your materials have given me clear, concise words, in a way that I could have not expressed before, the way that I automatically and intuitively work with children.”David Vandevert, MFT
“I am…a therapist for over 20 years…and wanted to
tell you that I have given your parenting pamphlets to my clients many times. They are a fabulous resource, and are positively impacting more people than you know.”Nancy Goldstein, LCSW-R
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The How to of Hand in Hand Parenting Playlistening Setting Limits Family Policy Support Groups
Workshop
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Questions
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Thank you for your participation!!
Congratulations
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The How to of Hand in Hand Parenting Playlistening Setting Limits Family Policy Support groups
Workshop
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Something in your life in the last few weeks that pleases you?
2 min each
Listening Partnership
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Laughter—”the best medicine”
Laughing like crying, tantrums signals the release of tension in the child’s mind
Children love to laugh Playlistening is getting
laughter going without dominating the child
Playlistening
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We ensure child “wins”, better at game, stronger, smarter, more graceful Adult--weak, clumsy, dim-witted, and less
competent Laughter as child senses smarter, more powerful
than loving adult, releases tensions Brings a lighter touch to parenting, helps
children feel thoroughly loved and brings us closer
Often involves much running, climbing, jumping Develop coordination, expand knowledge of child and
parent/caregiver Overcome shyness and fears
Mealtime, getting dressed, bedtime, bath time, ordinary times
Story swing Sebastian
Playlistening
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Notice what lets a child laugh and then do more.
If you trip walking and he laughs, act a little indignant, then do it again
Hide and seek—when looking be a little loud, get closer to his hiding spot, look but do not find, be fooled
PlaylisteningHow to
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Make physical contact. Be actively lightly affectionate
Do not overwhelm or over power the child Follow do not lead the play Active, enthusiastic, ready to leave dignity
behind No tickling
Listening Partnership Demo 1 minute each afraid of the dark/bugs
PlaylisteningBasic Guidelines
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Listening Partnership
3 minutes each What was that like? Where, when, how use this?
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Playlistening: Light hearted “uh oh, you are in trouble now”
or “ohhhh, how could you have done that?” Slow chase, nuzzle, vigorous cuddle Child’s laughter follows My son about to take brother’s airplane Sometimes after laughter comes hearty tears--
wanting something could not have Humorous light interactions => Creative
problem solving
Setting Limits
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When child’s thinking has broken, can’t find safety to laugh or cry away hurt, will do and say unworkable things, showing needs us to step in with a limit
Gentle firm, “No, I can’t let you do that” provides a name to the nameless tensions that drove child off confident connected track
As we stay close and listen after limit set, child releases upset feelings with tears, words of fury, child will recover sense of connection and wellbeing
Toy clean up and bike in street
Setting Limits
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Listen, Limit, Listen Listen
Need information/help, expectations fit? Limit
Me put self between child and irrational behavior Look to be sure parent sees Bring kicking crying child onto lap
Listen Kindness allow feel awful feelings inside drove to the
behavior Hearty cry or tantrum
Setting Limits
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“Aren’t you promoting disrespect/spoiling by letting a child say awful things and rage like that?”
While child crying, perspiring, trembling--getting vital emotional work done, getting rid of feelings and images that poison relationships and confuse thinking
Cooperation, flexibility, ease with learning follow
Story school conferences
Setting LimitsQuestion from Parents
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Connect with attention before limits need to be set and before I am upset
Slammed door, louder harsh tone of voice Works best to listen early, at first hint of nearing
upset Ten minutes of hanging out, cuddling, horsing
around can change next hours at home
Setting Limits
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SUMMARY Children good, want to be loving,
cooperative, close When behavior goes off track it is because
the child feels disconnected, hurt When feeling hurt they cannot behave
reasonably Our kind firm limits are a gift Children need our warmth and closeness to
heal and change behavior LISTEN, LIMIT, then LISTEN as bad feelings
roll off
Setting Limits
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Special Time is an active form of listening, in which your child’s play becomes vehicle for telling you about life and perceptions
Special Time
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Set aside a short, defined period of time Do your best to be free of worries, tiredness,
stress Do NOT direct or try to improve the play No teaching
Special Time
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Follow the child’s lead for play Demonstrate your approval, affection and
enjoyment
Builds connection and trust Maintain judgment May need to beg, plead as children get older
Can also do with adults
Special Time
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Listening Partnership 3 minutes each What would it be like to follow a child’s lead in play? What would you like to do with special time for yourself?
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Spoken or unspoken govern how the family functions
“Parents decide. Children obey.”
Family Policies
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Our experience: If children are to grow up respecting themselves and others, they need to be treated with respect from infancy on.
Policies reflect common sense and respect might be: “We let each other know what we like about each
other at least one each day.”
“We share work of the household. Everyone has at least one job and all can ask for help with that job to make it more fun.”
“We don’t hurt each other. When we see someone hurting someone else, we stop them.”
Family Policies
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Group of 3-8 people follow same guidelines as Listening Partnership
One primary listener Parents Mothers Fathers Therapists
Support Group
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When parents connect with their children and one another
Build a support system greater success solving problems
Enjoy parenting Engage in their communities Create positive change and inspire others
Families and Communities
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Listening Tools
Adult to Child Staylistening Playlistening Setting Limits Special Time
Adult to Adult Listening
Partnerships Support Group
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Listening Partnership
3 minutes each What would you like to try for yourself and your family? What are your next steps?
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Questions
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Please share:
Something I want to remember from today
An appreciation of my listening partner
Highlights
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