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HAPPINESS WITHOUT STRESS

THE 20 HABITS OF EFFECTIVE PEOPLE

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Contents HAPPINESS WITHOUT STRESS ................................................................................................................. 1

THE 20 HABITS OF EFFECTIVE PEOPLE ................................................................................ 1

COPYRIGHT PROTECTION ..................................................................................................... 3

NOTES TO THE READER ......................................................................................................... 4

HAPPINESS WITHOUT STRESS: .......................................................................................... 5

THE 20 HABITS OF EFFECTIVE PEOPLE ........................................................................... 5

HABITS ONE: WAKE UP EARLY ............................................................................................ 8

HABITS TWO: EXERCISE DAILY .......................................................................................... 9

HABITS THREE: PLAN ...........................................................................................................10

HABITS FOUR: BE HUMBLE ................................................................................................11

HABITS FIVE: PERSEVERE ..................................................................................................12

HABITS SIX: REMAIN FOCUSED ......................................................................................13

HABITS SEVEN: WORK SMART .........................................................................................15

HABITS EIGHT: ADAPT TO CHANGES .............................................................................16

HABITS NINE: ACCEPT CHALLENGES............................................................................18

HABITS TEN: PRESERVE INTEGRITY .............................................................................20

HABITS ELEVEN: LEAD BALANCE LIFE ...........................................................................21

HABITS TWELVE: DELEGATE .............................................................................................22

HABITS THIRTEEN: DON’T MIND OTHER PEOPLE’S BUSINESS ...........................23

HABITS FOURTEEN: DO NOT LOOK FOR FLATTERY ..................................................25

HABITS FIFTEEN: DO NOT RELY ON OTHERS FOR HAPPINESS ...........................26

HABITS SIXTEEN: DON’T LIVE IN THE PAST ...............................................................27

HABITS SEVENTEEN: AVOID NEGATIVITY....................................................................28

HABITS EIGHTEEN: DO NOT DENY THE TRUTH .........................................................30

HABITS NINETEEN: DON’T BE A PERFECTIONIST .....................................................31

HABITS TWENTY: TALK LESS, LISTEN MORE ..............................................................34

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COPYRIGHT PROTECTION

The information contained in this book is protected under all Federal and International

Copyright Laws and Treaties. Therefore any use or reprint of the material in the book

is prohibited. Users may not transmit or reproduce the material in any way shape or

form – mechanically or electronically such as recording, photocopying or information

storage and retrieval system – without getting prior written permission from the

publisher/author.

Trademarks, service marks, product names or names featured in this publication are

assumed the property of their owners and are used as reference only.

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NOTES TO THE READER

While the authors of this book have made reasonable efforts to ensure the accuracy

and timeliness of the information contained herein, the author and publisher assume

no liability with respect to loss or damage caused, or alleged to be caused, by any

reliance on any information contained herein and disclaim any and all warranties,

expressed or implied, as to the accuracy or reliability of said information. The authors

make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness

of the contents of this work and specifically disclaim all warranties. The advice and

strategies contained herein may not be suitable for every situation. It is the complete

responsibility of the reader to ensure they are adhering to all local, regional and

national laws. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative

information in regard to the subject matter covered.

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HAPPINESS WITHOUT STRESS:

THE 20 HABITS OF EFFECTIVE PEOPLE

What is the purpose of your life? Honestly, have you ever thought about it?

Do you that human beings are the only creatures who think and act according to what

they see, feel and believe in. The animals‟ life is completely the opposite: they are

driven by necessity and react to what they see in their immediate environment.

Still confused? Well, let‟s see what drives you. A person acts according to what he

carries as thoughts. So, is life about accumulating wealth, achieving something great,

helping others, passing your time, living life at its fullest. What‟s your motto? If you

are still wondering what it is all about, chances are when you think you know what‟s

it‟s all about. However, at some point of time you will realise this was not what you

expected from life and you return back to where you were initially. Your behaviour

and your way of life are dictated by the aspirations you have and the purpose you

want to give to your very existence on this planet. You may have different objectives

and goals, but

somewhere in the deep corner of you mind

you want to attain something

that would give some sense to your life.

Life can be very stressful, scary or boring, but what is there in the methodology or

habits of effective people that lead them to success. They seem to have a balanced

lifestyle, a fruitful career and have found true happiness. Is it the way they do things,

their aptitude, their intelligence, the effort they put or their mindset? How are they

able to control the various elements in their environment? How do they change a

boring life into a life full of thrills and excitement? How are they able to make friends

and network with people all around, inspire and lead others and at the same time

radiate their positive energy and affect every person they meet?

Why are there so many people who are so stressed and at odd with their colleagues?

Now, how about your boss, is he acting like a jerk? Why are there frequent disputes

at home? Are we too busy being busy? Have you ever thought about that? What if

you are really just being busy, without achieving anything great in the end? Keeping

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you busy may serve as a hedge against loneliness. Are you really able to take a

break from time to time, to think and ponder on your life and ways to improve it?

It is really not so easy to observe ourselves and see what triggers our emotions. I

know from my own experience that it is easier for us to see our problems projected

outside in other persons and situations. And most people do it this way. The real

work is to face, observe, analyse ourselves in a self-provoked thinking process,

because everything outside us is a reflection of our inner world that is why we see

ourselves in everybody else as in a mirror. So, if we can balance ourselves and attain

our inner peace, the whole world will be a very peaceful place.

Everybody wants to be happy, but we do things that make us unhappy because it is

all in our sub-consciousness. Being awake does not necessarily means that we are

conscious and obviously, we can be leading a miserable life dictated by our sub-

consciousness. However, if we dig in our inner self and bring out the emotions that

are preventing us from moving forward, then we will surely make different choices.

We will thus alternate our robotics behaviours and will go fluently with the flow of life

instead of struggling against the shadows of our dark sentiments. You should

dedicate time to yourself to find ways and means to inner peace.

Most human beings make mistakes in the process of learning life lessons. If we treat

ourselves with love and kindness, we are more likely not to repeat the same

mistakes, but what I am saying is not easy to be applied, it needs training and

conscious efforts, because we have already learnt how to judge ourselves and we

need to change these bad habits and behavioural patterns. When we continue to do

the same old things, which are not beneficial for us any more, we cannot grow up and

evolve. The habit is our second nature but it is also a matter of training. So we can

train ourselves to attain new favourable habits that will bring us happiness and well-

being.

So how can we be more happy and eliminate our daily stress?

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Practice:

If you want to be in peace with yourself you can just close your eyes stay calm for a

minute or two focused on yourself. Then you can open your eyes and appreciate the

things and people around you.

“Be grateful for all you have already attained in your life

and recall all good things you have received through

your friends, relatives, colleagues or unknown people.”

Life is about appreciation shown to bits of life and the right attitude in every

circumstance. I think it is an extremely powerful way of reducing all life stressors and

having an abundant and fulfilled life. You can start right now to express thankfulness

on a daily basis to yourself, to your good-wishers and to your Creator, if you want to

improve your life. Remember to do it for at least 5 minutes a day for the next 30 days

and see what new things will come into your life.

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HABITS ONE: WAKE UP EARLY

“Early to bed and early to rise makes a man

healthy, wealthy and wise.”

~Benjamin Franklin~

Waking up early in the morning, no way! How many times have you heard that

someone has been trying to be out of bed early to reap out the great number of

benefits beyond one can imagine. Waking up early seems to be the most difficult

mechanism for our body for those not having such a habit. Why should someone

transform his simple and easy life into a difficult routine? Anything, which is difficult to

perform, has surely some great benefits. Right? Firstly, you have more hours for your

activities and secondly, the foremost greatest advantage is that you can dedicate

your most productive early morning hours, to get the most important things done in

your life. Your work, your family and your business life will all reap the benefits of an

early riser, to a great extent.

To be able to wake up early, here is what you should do:

Have light dinner and watch fewer movies, in particular horror films.

Go to bed early. It helps you to have enough sleep.

Never skip breakfast. Remain is good health.

Keep you commitment to wake up early.

Ask for help if you alarm does not work for you.

Exercise in the morning only.

Read nice poems.

Relax and do some mediation.

Clear your mind of all bad thoughts.

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HABITS TWO: EXERCISE DAILY

In our modern society, everybody is concerned about his physical fitness and weight.

We all have good intentions to exercise daily and lose weight. How to find free time to

exercise after a long office hours? There is always something which is stopping us to

be regular with our daily fitness activities. One commitment comes after another, in

particular, if you have a family to look after.This means you have to get rid of this

routine, find your own space early in the morning to remain healthy.

As we say: “There is no gain where there is no pain”. If you are serious about your

health then think about these two options you have:

Option 1: Be overweight with high blood pressure, high cholesterol and spend a lot of

money on drugs and health services.

Option 2: Spend 30-60 minutes daily on exercise and be healthy for life.

The choice is yours.

“It is health that is real wealth

Not pieces of Gold and Silver.”

~Mahatma Gandhi~

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HABITS THREE: PLAN

The twelve to sixteen hours available to us daily seems to fall short when we try to

finish everything that we have in our mind. We wished we had more time and we

keep wondering where all those hours are gone. That is why to get the most of our

effective time; we need a proper plan and plan ahead regularly.

You cannot control time but you can surely manage your activities. Think about all

those activities that make your waste time: checking your Facebook account every

five minutes, checking your email 7/24, reading newspapers, watching TV, texting,

friends, and telephone calls. Cut them to a minimum. Keep your prime early morning

hours for planning, focus on your strategy, critical thinking and getting most important

task done. Do not favour urgency at the expense of real priorities. Give priorities to

those tasks that will eventually save you time in the future.

Knowing how to plan your day requires time, and it is so important that it cannot be

overlooked. Take the first step and start your plan to be effective. Committing 30

minutes towards a daily plan might seem like a waste of time, but spending time now

saves time later, and like anything, the more often you do it, the better you become.

The time of day you choose for this should be based on what works best for you,

whether it will be the morning of or the night before. Either way, write it out as you

plan your day.

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HABITS FOUR: BE HUMBLE

However, we often fail to apply the concept in our own lives. There is something

about being a benevolent and humble person that exceeds the expectations of the

angry core of our crocodilian being. We have that great urge to survive, to remove or

run from threats, to grab food wherever we can find it, to reproduce, to fight when

bored, to grovel in our minds.

If you say that you know nothing about a subject and you have no desire to learn

more because you are afraid that you might not understand the knowledge you

receive, you will be miserable if you don't even try to gain such knowledge. You are

"suffering" from low self-esteem not humility. Great people are humble because they

know modesty is not a weakness but a supreme virtue and the key to achievements.

They acknowledge their special qualities but at the same time, they know their limits

and are comfortable with their own imperfections. Let see if you have those traits:

A humble person will do what he can to serve others.

A humble person will search for wisdom.

A humble person will be grateful for all he receives.

A humble person will recognise that he knows little but can learn much more.

A humble person will not be aggressive to others.

A humble person will take care of his family and give them support in all that

they do.

“Try not to become a man of success

but rather to become a man of value.”

~Albert Einstein~

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HABITS FIVE: PERSEVERE

What's the key to perseverance? Putting one foot in front of the other will get you to

the finish line, but there are tools you can use to help you face down challenges,

meet your goals and truly enjoy the process, rather than just getting by. Banishing

self-doubt, living by your values and nourishing your spiritual side are just a few ways

you can strengthen your resolve to keep moving forward.

Perseverance in life is an essential quality if one is to realise his goals and achieve

success. In a nutshell, perseverance is the act of persisting to do something in spite

of challenges, obstacles and disappointments. Whatever endeavours you pursue,

when armed with the virtue of perseverance your success is almost guaranteed.

Unfortunately, many people rob themselves of any success because they do not have

the drive to see their goals through. However, developing perseverance is not difficult

to achieve, provided you're prepared to put in some effort.

“Two things define you:

Your patience when you have nothing, and

Your attitude when you have everything.”

~Ali R.A~

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HABITS SIX: REMAIN FOCUSED

We all have so many distractions in our life. In our era, we suffer from too much

information from all these sources: internet, radio, TV, emails, phone, billboards,

newspapers and banners. To make the situation worse, your friends, your co-

workers, you family members also become a source of information as they are equaly

exposed. Every piece of data that goes into your brain will get your attention and

mobilise your brain processor to some extent.

How do we remain focused in this information jungle when confronted with these

daily interferences? At first glance, it would seem to be impossible to get out of this

maize. But think, think again, use your brain. If you have too much data, that means

we must have less data and to have less data, we must eliminate most of the data

that are in fact bugs in our mind system. The solution is very simple:

“Make a choice of what information you need

and discard the rest 99% to trash”

There are so many things in your mind that you are unable to focus on most

important part of your life. Free your mind and throw out all the distractions, you will

see how many things you can get done, even though your time seems to be very

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limited. Cut down on TV, stop checking your email every 5 five minutes. Do you

really need a thousand friends on Facebook? As for me, I have stopped reading 2-3

newspapers every day. I chose which day I am going to buy a newspaper, which

days I won‟t and believe me, this simple choice will save you a lot of time. Who cares

that a cat got lost in Australia or a train stop mid-way, somewhere? Who cares?

According to a survey in 2014 Wasting Time At Work,

salary.com found that out of 750 professionals,

78% were wasting at least 30 minutes per day

at work; with email being responsible for a big

part of the wasted time. Trivial information may

divert our attention from important matters and

the harm it may cause to our business or

career may go unnoticed for long. Here is the

danger: you get so mired by those

diversions and entangled in this oblivion

of information, that you are lured away

from the real purpose of your existence.

But, once you are aware that the mass media is every increasingly stepping into your

personal sphere and trying to grab all your attention, there is definitely a way out.

Here are some tips to help you focus when; you are working on something very

important:

1. Switch off your phone.

2. Cut-off all your WIFI connections.

3. Write on paper what you want to achieve in this session.

4. Make sure you don‟t leave until you have tick all the tasks as completed.

If you are working at home, make sure your spouse or room-mate supports your aim

and if you are in office make sure everybody understands that when you said: “No

phone calls, means zero calls”

“To be everywhere is to be nowhere.”

~Seneca~

“Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem.

We all have twenty-four hour days.”

~Zig Ziglar~

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HABITS SEVEN: WORK SMART

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know you can't be successful without the

help of other people. Whether your success story was built upon the direct help of

people you asked for help or through the people who purchased your product or

services, the bottom line is these people helped you become successful. What did

you learn that these other people did not? What it is that made you successful?

The smart network marketer understands the value of hard work. One of the first

lessons learnt is how to work effectively and intelligently. The smart networker

realises he can work hard all by himself and achieve singular results; however, he

also recognise multiple people working together can multiply the end result. The

quality of work done and the way it was achieved is far more important than the

numbers of hours you have been keeping yourself busy. You don‟t need a hammer to

kill a fly as much as you won‟t crack a coconut with your pencils.

“Don’t run when you are in mud.

Walk,

You will move faster.”

~ ~

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HABITS EIGHT: ADAPT TO CHANGES

Change happens whether we want it to or not. Some people welcome change and

find ways to turn the unexpected into an opportunity for business growth or personal

development. Others become frightened, may react and resist any alteration in their

life. How we handle the inevitable changes in life is the key to living a life without fear.

The right attitude can mean; the difference between allowing unexpected life changes

to keep us from achieving our goals or dealing with the changes and growing

because of them.

When we are confronted with unforeseen changes in our lives, our first response may

be to either run away from it or fight against it. Run or fight is an inborn survival

instinct that occurs when we feel vulnerable. Fueled by adrenaline, the run or fight

response is exhausting and leaves us feeling overwhelmed. However, there are steps

we can take to gain control of our fear, embrace the challenge and turn adversity into

an avenue for success.

The changing of seasons coming and going is as constant as the rising of the sun in

the morning. In the same way, so are the changes in our lives as they are affected by

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the ever changing environment. If you wants to be a success on this globe, you will

have to learn how to adapt to change: “Either adapt or perish”.

Adapting to the environment is not just a necessity, it is human. Survival of the fittest

is something that all comes down to realising that you have to adapt to whatever

circumstances confront you.

There is one simple reason why so many people forget that life is constantly

changing; they are so absorbed with living in the moment. Even our very own bodies

operate on the fact that their processes like the heart beating, digestion and the

immune system are constantly changing without our knowledge. The simplest term to

call it is „subconscious adaptation‟.

This shows that we have to constantly be on our toes making sure to adjust our

approach to life, the way we think and the way we execute our ideas. Was it not case,

anyone would have followed a set of instructions and achieve perfection? No one can

do this, some information may have been relevant yesterday but they no longer are

today. Our environment, whether social, physical or political is subject to change

every day. Understanding survival for the fittest, goes along with understanding the

concept of adaptation. Success can only come to you as quickly as you are able to

adapt to your environment.

If you want to know what lies ahead of 2016 in terms of technological revolutions

would recommend you this book:

Summary

“Twelve technology-driven trends are remaking our world.

Are you ready? Based on a ten-year study of future trends

by two of the world's most respected business forecasters,

this book provides actionable guidance found nowhere else. “

~by Fred Rogers & Richard Lalich~

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HABITS NINE: ACCEPT CHALLENGES

The key to life is accepting challenges. Once someone stops doing this, he's dead.

One of the great keys to personal growth in this life is the ability to confront

challenges and meet them head-on. The purpose of challenge is to give you greater

experiences and to broaden your perspective. We become pigeon-holed into one way

of thinking without having our beliefs challenged.

Challenge plays an extremely important role when it comes to character. Character is

not necessarily created by facing challenges, but rather it is revealed by them. We

may be completely unaware of our own character until met with seemingly daunting

obstacles. It is the manner in which we deal with them that reveals our true inner self.

There are several things you can do to help yourself deal with challenges more

calmly. Essentially you need to open yourself up to new possibilities, new

experiences, whether you think you are ready for them or not.

Challenges are the stepping stones we need in order to become successful. Every

human being will be tested by life's challenges. They do not go away. We cannot

push them to the side and expect anything positive to be the outcome. Challenges

help us develop into mature, stable and purposeful human beings. You must be

wondering, "Wow I do not know how to accept challenges. I have a difficult time

coping with situations that present themselves with challenges." If some of these

statements are screaming your name, then I want to challenge you in this article in

believing in yourself that you can cope with the challenges or adversity that may arise

in any given time.

Challenges will stimulate our mind to believe that nothing is impossible. The

challenges we face are meant to sharpen our faith, keep us on focus, and re-align our

integrity. We all have what it takes to accept challenges and adversities. In our ability

to confront and successfully overcome life's challenges, we will become more

confident for the future challenges that will surely come our way. Facing challenges

head on takes courage and determination. We cannot control circumstances and

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some situations are out of our hands, but we become a champion not because of the

challenge, but in the determination to respond with a positive attitude.

The world of challenges deals with two types of people. One type is the "victor" and

the other type is the "victim". Both react to challenges differently because of their

mindsets. Let's look at the type "victor". The victor realises before the challenge

presents itself, that they are over-comers and winners. They have prepared

themselves in their mind, their confidence level is heightened and their faith is strong

to know they are over-comers. They do not entertain the challenge with negative

thoughts; they search out for solutions to overcome any obstacle that stands in their

way. Now on the other hand, the victim broods over the situation. They only can

function with negative thoughts. Victims continue to pile up reasons while they cannot

embrace challenges. They are full of excuses on why life is so bad for them.

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HABITS TEN: PRESERVE INTEGRITY

Personal integrity is essential for success in business or your personal life. You have

likely met (at some point in your lifetime as a consumer) the kind of sales person who

made your skin crawl. On the other hand, you may have had the pleasure of meeting

the kind of sales representative who made you feel as though he/she genuinely cared

about your problem and wanted to help you solve it. In many cases, the sales

professional who instantly comes across as trustworthy and honest is the one who

possesses a high level of personal morality. Increasing one‟s personal virtue involves

bringing consistency and congruency into all areas of life.

Remember integrity in all your dealings will tell people who you are. People normally

do business and create relationships with other fellow being who they feel preserve

their integrity and who they would trust. Losing a sale would not be a big deal, but

losing your honour and bringing stains to you integrity will definitely do a lot of harm

to you endeavours.

“Excellence and competitiveness aren’t

incompatible with honesty and integrity.”

~Jack Welch~)

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HABITS ELEVEN: LEAD BALANCE LIFE

Human must have a balance and you should be in complete control of it. There are

many sad stories about people who died trying and could not achieve what they were

truly living for. Earning daily bread is not the only reason to live life is much more than

that. It's about your overall satisfaction especially mental satisfaction. Mental

satisfaction can only be achieved when you are in complete control of your life.

Stop reacting - People tend to take problems are big mountains which are very hard

to climb and often give up mid-way. Life is about trying and trying again till the time

you achieve what you desire. Rome wasn't built in a day similarly you would not

master your life within a day till the time you put more practice and hard work in it.

You can move mountains - Nothing is impossible and everything can be achieved in

life if you put your mind and power to it with complete concentration. You can even

Move Mountains if you put your mind to it.

Value your time - Time is something which stops for no one and if you are a bad time

manager you would never be able to balance your life and would never be in control

of it. Have a priority list and do what's needed at the right time. Never delay never

second guess just do what is needed to be done.

Trust your abilities - The major reason why most people have a misbalanced life is

due to the simple fact that they undermine their abilities and think they are not good

enough or do not possess the necessary skills to succeed in life. Every person is born

with hidden abilities which when used properly can make him change the world and

be a master in whatever he does. Therefore learn to trust your abilities and be free of

self-doubt.

Enjoy when it's needed - Life is not always about work rather enjoyment as well.

There needs to be balances in all aspects of life therefore learn to enjoy life and take

time off for your-self as well. Spend more time with your family or friends and do not

bring work home. Leave your work to the office hours and learn to have a good time

when you are at home.

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HABITS TWELVE: DELEGATE

If you're a small business owner like me, you likely have been to one or two seminars

about what to do and what not to do when starting and growing your business. One

popular piece of advice is that we should not try to do everything ourselves, thus

wearing too many hats. In other words 'Don't Fly Solo'.

When I started out in business I had an abundance of time, plenty of knowledge,

great computer skills, and very little budget. As a result, I did everything myself. Yet

as my business grows and my clients need more of my time and energy, I look

forward to delegating some of the tasks that I either don't care for, or that could be

done faster and more efficiently by someone else. Then I can focus on what I do best

- assisting my valued clients with their organisational needs both at work and at

home.

Delegation is the art of enlisting the help of others and it is one of the key decisions in

an organisation tool I call the 4 D's: Do it, Defer it, Delete it, and Delegate it.

Let's look at delegation a little closer. Here are 5 key aspects to effective delegation:

1. Know what needs to get done. Gather up the facts and make a list of all the

activities that you are responsible for. Until you have this written down and can

'sum-up' the tasks, you will not be able to effectively delegate to others.

Choose to do your best work and decide what you can let go of.

2. Pick from your list, the items you feel you can do most effectively and enjoy.

Focus on what you do best, and what you have the skills for. Let others help

with the rest.

3. Choose the right people for the job. Look for people who possess the rights

skills, relevant experience, a good attitude, and the availability to do the work.

4. Follow through and evaluate progress. Holding yourself and others

accountable is important. Be clear on what is expected and that progress will

be monitored and evaluated. Most people enjoy challenge and showing just

what they are capable of.

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HABITS THIRTEEN: DON’T MIND OTHER PEOPLE’S BUSINESS

“Mind your own business", has gotten a bad rap over the years. Most people use it to

mean "Butt Out!" but really, if we spend more time minding our own business, just

imagine how much further we can get in Life.

Don't mind other people's business.

99% of the businesses or 99% of fellow being have nothing to do with us whatsoever.

So why do we feel the need to meddle in their lives? Giving them the freedom to live

their lives gives us the freedom to live our own. While interference in others life is

proscribed, assistance, being friendly and offering counseling are considered as

virtues.

Have faith in the other 1%.

For that small fraction of other people‟s lives that affect us, why not give them the

benefit of the doubt?

“If any person comes to you with any news,

verify it, lest you should harm someone

in ignorance, and afterwards regret it”

Why not teach them so that they're empowered to make good choices? Having that

1% there to help puts us at 101% power. That's a good place to build from. If you get

any information about others never act immediately and make sure you get all the

difference versions before you act upon it.

Minding our own business

Our lives need a lot of attention, so why not do that more than minding everyone

else? By spending all our time on our own success, we really won't have too much

time left over to bother other people.

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Getting others to mind their own business

Yeah, I hear you. “But everyone butts into my business” is what EVERYONE says.

Well, we can always remind them that they have their own business to attend to.

They may not like it, but if they see how much farther they can get minding their own

business, maybe they'll change their minds. When in doubt, just show them this

article. I really don't mind that at all. Having said that, always bear in mind to deal with

other with courtesy and tact.

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HABITS FOURTEEN: DO NOT LOOK FOR FLATTERY

Many people completely hate the word "flattery" and to even say there is an art to this

makes them shudder with total disgust.

In a culture where everything is either right or wrong with very little room for the

"grays" in between, I can understand why the word "flattery" rubs people the wrong

way. I can also understand why many are sickened to the stomach because flattery is

often associated with compromising one's values and integrity.

But is flattery always a bad thing? And does flattery always have to be insincere?

Does flattery make you more attractive and should you use the art of flattery on the

men/women you find attractive?

Personally, I find that sweet talk does often move things along more pleasantly than

outright candidness. While excessive insincere praises intended to put the other

person into the position of owing something to the flatterer is cheap and cheesy (and

often reveals emotionally "needy" personality out for approval), a little flattery does

help to quickly warm up first meetings or bridge relationship gaps.

For example starting off your conversation with a statement like, "You look gorgeous"

is surely better than starting with, "You forgot to put on your make-up today”. Positive

reinforcement in this situation makes the person feel good about herself as you are

taking the small extra effort to actually show the person that you care about how she

feels. She may come back with; "I don't have my make-up on" to which you can

respond with, "You still look good". But when you say, "I couldn't even tell you did not

have make-up on" or "You look like you have make-up on", you've crossed over to

the excessive insincere praise.

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HABITS FIFTEEN: DO NOT RELY ON OTHERS FOR HAPPINESS

Self-reliance is the ability to do your own things yourself and meet your own needs.

Healthy self-reliance can make you a better person as compared to those who are

dependent on others for happiness and sustenance. If you are accustomed to relying

on your partner, then taking charge of your life can be initially scary. However, as you

overcome the initial hiccups, you will discover more about yourself, giving you the

opportunity to explore life and expand your horizon.

The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it

is not. It is an existential truth:

Only those people who are capable of being alone

are capable of love, of sharing,

of going into the deepest core of the other person –

without possessing, depending, demeaning and

becoming addicted to the other.

They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves,

they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other,

because it is not given by the other.

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HABITS SIXTEEN: DON’T LIVE IN THE PAST

Dwelling in the past or focusing on the future can make you lose sight of your present

life. This can make your life quickly pass you by without enjoyment of the present. If

you find yourself focusing too much on past events or trauma, or worrying about the

future, there are some methods that can help you learn to live for today.

Express your feelings about the past. Whatever past event you focus on, you may

need to express the feelings you have associated with the event, whether good or

bad, before you can move on.

There may be experiences in your past that were hurtful, but there may be also good

memories. Getting out your deep hidden emotions, whether good or bad, can help

you let go of the past and focus on the present.

Talk to a friend, family member, or counselor about your feelings.

Try writing down your feelings about the past. You can journal periodically or

write a letter to someone that hurt you (just don't send it!).

Even if you're dwelling on good memories, it can cause you to lose connection

with the present. You may find yourself romanticising the past or longing for

things to be the way they were, instead of focusing on how to improve your

present life.

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HABITS SEVENTEEN: AVOID NEGATIVITY

Negative people can suck the life right out of you if you're not careful! If you spend

even just a tiny amount of time with them, you will begin to feel negative too.

Don't try to change a negative person - It will drain everything within you! Remember

the last time you had a huge argument with your spouse, or someone else?

Remember how the emotional turmoil took its toll on you?

The best way to deal with negative is to just simply avoid it at all costs! Here are two

vital tips to dealing with negative people...

Stay away

There have been so many times in my life when I had to break off some relationships

because of the negativity associated with them.

Now, I'm not saying you should stop loving and caring for the negative people in your

life, but just love and care for them from a distance. Just quit hanging out with them

and doing things together.

If someone in your life is sucking energy out of you because of their negative attitude,

it's time to find someone else to hang out with. If it's your spouse unfortunately, you

are going to find it rather difficult to stay away.

In a case like that, some counseling will be required. It's a funny thing that when a

third party tells your spouse something you've been trying to say for years, they seem

to get it.

Get away

Some people think that listening to others' problems is a good character trait. It may

be, if the person complaining is a good friend and not just someone who regularly

unloads a bunch of garbage just because that's what they do best.

When you hear someone go on with a negative attitude, it's time to find the door! You

need to get away from it because it's like a virus. Negativity spreads and tries to

- - 29 - -

attach itself to anything it can get hold of. Sometimes you may not be able to get

away from it, like if you're at a holiday family get-together. There will always be

situations like that where you can't do much about it, except wait it out.

But, just being able to identify the negative will help you handle it a little better. Maybe

you can try to be nice and keep to yourself as much as possible. Maybe even have a

light-hearted discussion with yourself in your mind while the negative is spewing out.

“You cannot have a positive life

And a negative mind.”

~Joyce Meyer~

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HABITS EIGHTEEN: DO NOT DENY THE TRUTH

We didn't evolve to accept the truth in all circumstances. We evolved to be efficient

gene-propagation machines. When accepting the truth aids gene propagation, we

tend to accept the truth. Otherwise, it's not so important to us.

If we confront the truth, if we accept human nature for what it is, if we allow ourselves

to live honestly, then we do not need to divulge every secret thought or every

unfortunate incident for we already know of their existence and we live in the

knowledge that nothing is perfect, there is no one time solution, there is no salvation

and there is no one right way to do things. If we accept the imperfections then we can

begin to judge others on the moments we have with them and we will be better off for

it. By living with the truth we no longer have to make life long and impossible

promises and we no longer need to appease the illusion we have been taught to

uphold.

If we communicate the truth to one another and to our offspring then we at least offer

ourselves the ability to live in a forthright and practical manner, we give ourselves a

fighting chance of handling the truth when it confronts us rather than hiding from the

truth and then denying its existence when it rears its ugly head (again).

Do not continue the lines of communication that we are enduring at present,

encourage an honesty and a reality into your life that understands the need for

change, that accepts the individual in each of us, that learns to live with the

unavoidable truth and knows that communication cannot be built on denial.

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HABITS NINETEEN: DON’T BE A PERFECTIONIST

I have an aunt leaving close to my house. I have known her since my clhildhood as

someone being very serious about everything being neat and in order. She used to

wash her terrace every day and she also used to clean the stones on the side of her

lawn entrance. As she grew old, relatives would tell her to stop being in water, but

she never stopped her routine. A few years back, she was bed ridden and whenever

her health improved, I don‟t need to tell you what she was doing: “Yes, she was

cleaning the stones”.

If you got a bad habit and if you don‟t try to change, it will eventually develop into an

unconscious mania as you grow older. While perfectionism may be perceived as a

laudable characteristic, psychologist treat this as a mental compulsive disorder, as

perfectionists are lost in world and mired in minutes details. Dr. Sidney J. Blatt of

Yale University's Department of Psychiatry has warned that “intense perfectionism

and severe self-criticism” can lead to suicide or depression"

Here are ways to deal with it:

Step 1: Recognise perfectionism as a potential problem.

Do not equate „excellence in achievement‟ with „obsession with perfection‟. If you are

addicted to focusing on very minute details, then you need to acknowledge your

weakness first:

“Growth begins when we begin to accept our weaknesses.”

~Jean Vanier ~

While it‟s great to achieve 200% in precision, how much time and energy are spent to

get this result, do matter. Looking back, if I spend two whole days making tiny tweaks

to a Chapter giving me 200% satisfaction didn‟t make my book necessarily that much

better. Getting a proper perspective of time and energy is very valuable.

- - 32 - -

Step 2: It‟s important to keep moving.

According to psychologists, substituting excellent for perfection can assist those

persons who are caught in the quagmire of perfection. Exaggeration over perfection

will lead to a virtue become a vice. Focus on your overall objective rather than petty

details to progress and more forward. Dr Gordon Flett, professor of social sciences

and humanities at Toronto's York University says:

"There really is a fine line between striving for excellence

and striving excessively for perfection"

Step 3: Taking control is a good thing.

Some parents are super-demanding and they may fit the description of tiger parents.

Tigers always push their little ones to become great hunters and face the unknown at

a younger age. Parents are the same: they push their kids to their limits. They want

them to move outside of their comfort zone, so that they may discover and

experiment their hidden talents. They will one day leave and you will probably spend

some time whining about their loss. Now it‟s your turn to take control of your life and

overcome your fears, build your own personality and achieve something out of

passion.

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Step 4: Make yourself more friendly.

How often do you hear this about friendship: “If he or she values our friendship, then

he or she has to understand me”. Come on “monkey”! Which planet are you from?

The world is not about „me‟. You think you are important and that the world revolves

around you. For how long will you try to be „Mr Perfect‟ in your room? Who cares?

You have become so self-conscious and egocentric, nobody around you get your

attention.

Wake up man: “Do not be a social dyslexic!”. Go out and make friends and accept

other with their imperfections. Capitalise on others strength and not on their

weaknesses, in this way you will be less severe to yourself. Stop being a noxious

individual by stopping your never ending monologue: “I am Mr Perfect, I like things

done perfectly and I hate.. bla-bla-bla”.

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HABITS TWENTY: TALK LESS, LISTEN MORE

Do you talk too much? Some of us talk too much but we are not aware of it. How do

you know if you talk too much? Answering these questions will help:

Are you uncomfortable with silence?

Do you find yourself blurting things out that aren't relevant to the situation?

Do people look bored when you are speaking?

If the answer is yes to these questions, you'll be happy to know YOU can change,

and it's not that difficult. When we have a bad habit such as talking too much, we tend

to worry about it and, as we all know, worry only makes it worse. Why? Because:

"The more we think it, the more we say it, the more we attract it. Do we want it in our

lives?"

“It is better to sit alone than in company with the bad; and

It is better still to sit with the good than alone.

It is better to speak to a seeker of knowledge

than to remain silent;

But silence is better than idle words.”

~Prophet Mohamed S.A.W ~

Worrying is a form of thinking, so what are you thinking? Whatever you continually

think about, you attract. If you continually think about how you embarrass yourself by

talking too much, you keep attracting the type of situation that gives you the

opportunity to talk too much.

Here's a technique you can use that can change that. Many of the bad habits we

have in adulthood started when we were young. So that's where we want to make the

change.

Sit down and relax and let your mind drift. When you are totally relaxed, let your

thoughts go back in time a few years, then a few years more, then back to when you

first remember being overly talkative.

- - 35 - -

Maybe you remember your folks (or someone else you respected) saying something

like "Don't you ever shut up?" Or maybe a gentler reprimand, "Can't you be a little

quieter? Let those thoughts go through your mind. (If none of these apply, which is

entirely possible, let your mind go to something that does.)

Think about it for a few minutes. Explore everything that affected you. Realise that the

things that happened have made you what you are today. If you don't like it, that's

OK. We all have the ability to change, and for many things, the best place to start that

change is in the past.

Here is how you can change how the past affects you today.

When you are visualising the person who was reprimanding you, change something

about the memory.

Maybe now, the person is whispering the words to you instead of yelling them at you.

Or maybe they are looking over the wrong side instead right at you, as though what

they are saying is just a suggestion. (You know, a suggestion meaning you can take it

or leave it. It's not a reflection on you or your actions). Or, how about this: Instead of

looking at you sternly, their eyes are crossing as they look down their nose at the fly

that has landed there. (Sometimes humor is the best way to change a memory.)

How does that feel? Not so bad, huh? The purpose here is to let you have your

memories, but you are viewing them differently now . . . in such a way that they don't

hurt anymore.

Now, visualise yourself standing straight and tall as you leave that person. A smile is

on your face and you are speaking softly and slowly to yourself, "I am a soft-spoken,

confident person, and I will continually see myself in this way." (If those words don't

work for you, say something positive that does.)

Now, try to visualise a time coming up where you "know" you are going to talk too

much. You can't see it, can you? No way. You're busy looking at that guy with the fly

on his nose.

- - 36 - -

Decide right now to take control of your life. Any memories that have you all tied up

into predictable knots can be changed. It just depends on what YOU think, and how

quickly you can change the situation in your mind.

Any time something comes up where you start to have a predictable reaction, just

think about the fly and smile. The older you get the more you recognise that life

changes constantly, so why not take control of those changes?

Thanks for reading.