Healthy Conflict

Healthy Conflict

Zone of healthy conflict

Genesis 32 – Jacob wrestles

• Jacob went on his way and the angels of God met him; and when Jacob saw them he said, ‘This is God’s camp!’ So he called that place Mahanaim. Jacob sent messengers before him to his brother Esau….

• The messengers returned to Jacob, saying, ‘We came to your brother Esau, and he is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him.’ Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed….

Genesis 32 – Jacob wrestles

• So he spent that night there, and from what he had with him he took a present for his brother Esau….

• These he delivered into the hand of his servants… • For he thought, ‘I may appease him with the

present that goes ahead of me, and afterwards I shall see his face; perhaps he will accept me.’ So the present passed on ahead of him; and he himself spent that night in the camp.

Genesis 32 – Jacob wrestles• Jacob was left alone; and a man wrestled with him

until daybreak.When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he struck him on the hip socket; and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, ‘Let me go, for the day is breaking.’ But Jacob said, ‘I will not let you go, unless you bless me.’ So he said to him, ‘What is your name?’ And he said, ‘Jacob.’ Then the man said, ‘You shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with humans, and have prevailed.’ Then Jacob asked him, ‘Please tell me your name.’ But he said, ‘Why is it that you ask my name?’ And there he blessed him. So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, ‘For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life is preserved.’ The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip.

Every conflict is a struggle with God

• Because we’re called to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us

• Because we’re called to be peacemakers and “so far as it depends on us, to live peaceably with all.”

• Because we’re called to forgive “even up to seventy times seven”

• We should not stop until we’re blessed• Even if it leaves us limping

Practices for healthy conflict

1. Self-soothing- we try to be at peace in the midst of conflict (sometimes very hard – like Jacob)- let yourself be humble in conflict (contrary to nature – which is to puff up in superiority)- trust God to “have our back” when we do right- prayer, helpful talk with friends, practicing healthy beliefs about others and about conflict (it’s ok and trust the process)

Practices for healthy conflict

2. Soft approach- scheduled fights almost always better than spontaneous ones (except when overcoming the conflict avoiders)- remember that you want both you and the other to be at your calmest and best (not “trying to get the jump on your opponent”)

Practices for healthy conflict

3. Intentional turn-taking (agree on terms)- based on mutual respect and listening- speak to be heard and understood- be open and listen for emotions/concerns

Practices for healthy conflict

4. Seek solutions that address concerns of each- avoid drawing lines and digging in heels- become a champion of the other’s concerns (and yours)- seek the Spirit, brainstorm and be creative - imagine the benefit of a mutually good outcome

Practices for healthy conflict5. Apologize and Forgive abundantly

- almost always something to apologize for- but be sincere (not “I’m sorry you feel that way.”)- may or may not be important to state forgiveness (don’t use as excuse for final dig – “I forgive you for how you were such a jerk at first.”)- forgiveness is actually well communicated in actions and nonverbal responses (eye contact, shared humour, inclusion)- catch yourself holding grudges and let go

Practices for healthy conflict

6. Hopeful persistence- “until you’re blessed”- resentment does loads of damage to you and others- try again (with a mediator if necessary)

Mediators- Helps to be relatively impartial but not always

necessary- Helps to be trained and/or experienced but

not always necessary- Helps when mediators lead but not always

necessary (can be more passive participants)- Main job is to help each party agree to and

use all the other practices mentioned – help overcome emotional barriers

- Time outs and individual chats sometimes help

Jacob meets Esau• Now Jacob looked up and saw Esau coming, and

four hundred men with him…. He himself went on ahead of them, bowing himself to the ground seven times, until he came near his brother.

• But Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. When Esau looked up and saw the women and children, he said, ‘Who are these with you?’ Jacob said, ‘The children whom God has graciously given your servant.’ Then the maids drew near, they and their children, and bowed down; Leah likewise and her children drew near and bowed down; and finally Joseph and Rachel drew near, and they bowed down.

Jacob meets Esau• Esau said, ‘What do you mean by all this company

that I met?’ Jacob answered, ‘To find favour with my lord.’But Esau said, ‘I have enough, my brother; keep what you have for yourself.’ Jacob said, ‘No, please; if I find favour with you, then accept my present from my hand; for truly to see your face is like seeing the face of God—since you have received me with such favour. Please accept my gift that is brought to you, because God has dealt graciously with me, and because I have everything I want.’ So he urged him, and he took it.

• Then Esau said, ‘Let us journey on our way, and I will go alongside you.’