WILLIAMC. KROEN, PH.D., LMHCEDITED BY PAMELA ESPELAND

Helping Children Cope

with the Loss of a

Loved One�

A Guide for Grownups

Parent Council Selection

Copyright © 1996 by William C. Kroen, Ph.D., LMHC

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataHelping children cope with the loss of a loved one: a guide for grownups / William C. Kroen;

edited by Pamela Espeland.p. cm.Includes bibliographical references and index.ISBN 1-57542-000-7 (pbk.: alk. paper)

1. Bereavement in children. 2. Bereavement in adolescence. 3. Grief in children. 4. Griefin adolescence. 5. Children and death. 6. Teenagers and death. 7. Children—Counseling of.8. Teenagers—Counseling of. I. Espeland, Pamela, 1951– II. Title.BF723.G75K76 1996155.9'37'083—dc20 95-42431

eBook ISBN: 978-1-57542-872-7

The stories in this book are based on actual case studies, but the names have been changed.

The author gratefully acknowledges the work of Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, whose descriptionsof how preadolescents and adolescents grieve (as set forth in her book On Death and Dying)inspired some of the guidelines presented here.

Cover and book design by MacLean & Tuminelly

20 19 18 17 16 15Printed in the United States of America

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Free Spirit Publishing does not have control over or assume responsibility for author orthird-party websites and their content. At the time of this book’s publication, all facts andfigures cited within are the most current available. All telephone numbers, addresses, andwebsite URLs are accurate and active; all publications, organizations, websites, and otherresources exist as described in this book; and all have been verified as of February 2009. Ifyou find an error or believe that a resource listed here is not as described, please contactFree Spirit Publishing. Parents, teachers, and other adults: We strongly urge you to monitorchildren’s use of the Internet.

Printed on recycled paperincluding 50%

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Dedication

To the memory of my mother and father, Eleanor and William,and to the memory of my mother-in-law, Katherine Coady Boyle.

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank Maria Trozzi of The Good Grief Programfor her kind assistance.

Contents

Foreword by Maria D. Trozzi, viiDirector of The Good Grief Program

Introduction 1

Quick answers to common questions 3

Understanding death 7

How did you learn about death? 9

How children understand death 11

General guidelines for helping children understand death 28

Grieving 31

Taking care of yourself 32

How children grieve 37

General guidelines for helping children work through grief 69

Commemoration 75

Suggestions for commemorating a loved one 77

Healing and acceptance 83

Moving on with life 85

General guidelines for helping children move on with life 86

Finding help 91

Organizations 92

Recommended reading 94

Index 97

About the author 101

Foreword

r. William Kroen’s book, Helping Children Cope with the Loss of aLoved One, is a marvelous primer for parents, teachers, and anyone

who is dealing with a bereaved child. In very simple language, Kroen assistsus in understanding what a child from infancy through age 18 knows andfeels when faced with the death of a loved one. Parents particularly will enjoythe straightforward approach, with no hint of “psychobabble” that can confuseissues for the layperson.

This book is rich in anecdotes that further clarify the child’s need to under-stand, grieve, commemorate, and go on, as specified in the work of The GoodGrief Program founder, Dr. Sandra Fox. Kroen weaves together case studiesand content with integrity and sensitivity. This book is a wonderful resourcefor the parent in all of us.

Maria D. TrozziDirector of The Good Grief ProgramJudge Baker Children’s CenterBoston, Massachusetts

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Introduction

ho wants to talk to a child about death? The answer mustsurely be . . . no one. As adults, and especially as parents, we

want to protect our children from painful experiences, and the death of aloved one is the most painful of all. We want to see our children filled withjoy, laughing, playing, and learning. We want them to be happy. Althoughmost of us can easily and enthusiastically speak to our children about themysteries and miracles of life, when it comes to death, we don’t have thewill—or the words.

But children are people experiencing life, not just getting ready for it.Because death is part of life, it inevitably touches them. To be able to under-stand death, to pass through the stages of grieving in a healthy way, and tocarry on effectively are essential to a child’s well-being. To be able to grieveappropriately and cope with loss before, during, and after a death enables achild to grow up free of guilt, depression, anger, and fear. When we can helpour children heal the pain of the deepest emotional wound—the death of aloved one—we are giving them important skills and understandings that willserve them the rest of their lives.

The childhood years are tender ones, and children should be taught aboutdeath tenderly. In an ideal world, we adults would be strong and sensitive andtotally focused on them at such a time. The harsh reality is that their lovedone is often our loved one. If you have lost a spouse, a partner, a parent,another child, or someone else dear to you, you may feel completelyunequipped to deal with a surviving child’s emotional needs. You may be over-whelmed by your own shock, sadness, and sense of bereavement.

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How can you possibly find the strength to help someone else, especiallya child, understand what has happened and how to cope? It is my wish thatthis book will provide at least some of the answers.

There are no magic formulas for overcoming grief quickly and painlessly.Rather, we must draw on what we have learned from research, scientificstudy, tradition, and observation, then add a healthy dose of common sense.This book reflects the knowledge, wisdom, compassion, and experience ofsocial scientists, professional caregivers, parents, and other adults who havegiven careful thought to helping children grieve and have worked closely withgrieving children. It owes a great debt to the special people at The Good GriefProgram of the Judge Baker Center of Children’s Hospital in Boston,Massachusetts. Founded by Dr. Sandra Fox in 1983, this program is nation-ally recognized for its outstanding work and frequently serves as a resource incrisis situations. In preparing this book, I have turned often to Dr. Fox’s work,Good Grief: Helping Groups of Children Deal with Loss When a Friend Dies(Boston: New England Association for the Education of Young Children,1988). I am grateful for the support The Good Grief Program has given me atevery step of this process.

Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One is a guide for parents,teachers, counselors, and other adults who play important roles in children’slives. You may be reading this book because you work with children and youwant to be prepared in case death ever touches them. You may be reading itbecause someone you know is dying and a child will be affected. Or you maybe reading it because you are already walking the path of grief. I sincerelyhope that you will find comfort and compassion here, along with sound infor-mation and practical advice that will help you to help a child . . . and yourself.You are carrying a terrible burden. Others have carried a similar burden; youwill meet them here and learn from them. As you will discover, talking aboutdeath and grief is an essential step toward emerging as an emotionally healthyhuman being.

William C. Kroen, Ph.D.Belmont, Massachusetts

Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One2

Quick answers tocommon questions

f someone you know andlove has just died—a spouse, a

parent, a child, a friend—you may nothave either the time or the energy toread an entire book. But if childrenhave also been touched by the death,there are things you need to knowright away to help them through theinitial shock. Following are ten of themost common questions parents askwhen a loved one dies, along with brief

answers. Read this section first, then return to the rest of the book as soon asyou can.

“How can I tell my children about the death?”Gently and lovingly, using simple, honest words. Sit down with them some-place quiet, hold them in your arms, and tell them. Don’t be afraid to say“died” or “dead.” For example, you might say: “Something very, very sad hashappened. Daddy has died. He will not be with us anymore because he hasstopped living. We loved him very much, and we know he loved us, too. Weare going to miss him very, very much.”

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In a few short sentences, tell them how the loved one died. For example:“You know that Daddy has been very, very, very, very sick for a long time. Hissickness has made him die.” Or: “Daddy was in an accident. He was hurtvery, very, very, very badly. The accident made him die.” Multiple “very’s”help children to distinguish between the loved one’s death and the timeswhen they were “very sick” or “very hurt.”

Avoid euphemisms for death like “lost,” “taken away,” “passed away,” or“gone on a long journey.” They feed children’s fears of being abandoned, andthey create anxiety and confusion. Never say that a loved one has “gone tosleep.” This might make children afraid to go to bed at night.

Many children ask, “What does ‘died’ mean?” Again, use simple, honestwords: “It means that the body has totally stopped. It can’t walk, breathe, eat,sleep, talk, hear, or feel anymore.”

“What can I say when my children ask ‘why’?”“Why did Mommy die?” “Why did Daddy die?” “Why did Grandma have theaccident?” “Why did this happen to me?” These are hard questions to answer.It’s okay to admit that you’ve asked the same questions yourself. Then explainthat death is part of life for all living things on earth. It happens to everyone.There are things we can control and things we can’t control. Death is one ofthe things we can’t control.

Be sure to tell them that no one is to blame for the death—not the lovedone who died, not God, and certainly not the children. Say very clearly, “It isnot your fault.” Nothing they said, did, or thought caused the death.

“Should I talk about the death in religious terms?”This is a decision each family must make for itself. Generally speaking, itdepends on how much religious education your children have. If they havebeen raised in a faith community, they will be better able to understand yourreligious references. If they haven’t, this is probably not the best time to intro-duce religion, because they will find it confusing. In any event, avoid sayingthings like “God took Daddy” or “God wanted Mommy,” which may createfear in young children.

Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One4

“Should my children attend the wake, funeral, and burial?”This, too, is a decision each family must make for itself. As a general guide-line, children six years old and up should be allowed to attend if they want to.Joining family members and friends for these important rituals gives childrena chance to express their grief, gain strength and support from others, and saygood-bye to the loved one. They feel part of a group that is continuing ondespite the loss, and they draw comfort and security from being included.

Be sure to prepare them ahead of time by explaining what will happenand what they will see, hear, and do. Tell them whether the casket willbe open or closed. Explain that many people will probably be crying. Letthem ask questions. If you are too distressed to do this yourself, ask afamily member or friend to step in.

What if children don’t want to attend these rituals? Don’t force them, anddon’t make them feel guilty for not going.

“Will it harm my children if they see me cry and grieve?”Not at all. Children need to learn how to express grief, and the best way tolearn is from adults who care about them. When you cry, this teaches yourchildren that it’s okay to cry. When you look sad, this gives them permissionto show their emotions. Of course, if adults keep a “stiff upper lip” and denytheir feelings, this is what their children will learn to do, and it is not ahealthy response to grief. Don’t be afraid to show your emotions in front ofyour children.

“What if I’m too overcome by grief to attend to my children’s needs?”Before you can take care of your children, you need to take care of yourself.Rest, eat well, and seek comfort and assistance from family members andfriends. See if another adult can take over for you until you’re ready to helpyour children.

“Should I tell my children’s teachers about the death?”Yes, and as soon as possible. Teachers can help by monitoring children’sbehavior and emotional condition in the weeks and months following the

Quick Answers to Common Questions 5

death. They can offer guidance and understanding to children who are sad,angry, and upset.

If the school has a counselor (or psychologist) on staff, either full-time orpart-time, you should tell him or her about the death as well. Counselors areusually trained to deal with trauma and grief. They can monitor children tomake sure that grief and mourning aren’t interfering with their learning anddevelopment. Counselors are also good sources of information and advice forparents, and they can make referrals to support groups.

“What are some of the ways my children might react to the death,and how should I respond?”Some children feel guilty or responsible for a loved one’s death. They maybelieve that their angry words or thoughts caused the death, or that their“bad” behaviors caused the death. Reassure them that this is not true.

In cases when a parent has died, some children cling to the surviving par-ent. They become very concerned that he or she will also die and no one willbe left to take care of them. This fear of abandonment is perfectly normal.Reassure them that there will always be someone to take care of them.

Some children regress into younger behaviors, act out, and throwtantrums. Be patient! You are all under a terrible strain, and your children areless equipped to deal with it than you are. Call attention to inappropriatebehaviors, and set and enforce limits as usual.

“When is it okay for my children to start playing again?”As soon as they feel like playing. Children tend to grieve in spurts. Onemoment, they’ll be crying out of sadness; the next, they’ll be laughing as theyplay on the swings. Play is therapeutic for children. It gives them a breakfrom grieving, offers them the chance to express their feelings in their ownway, and allows them to relieve anxiety and stress through movement.

“What are the most important things I can do for my childrenright now?”Be there for them, be honest with them, and love them.

Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One6