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Helping Families ThriveFEB / MAR 2018 • $3.99

YOUR CHILD: DEFINED BYGOD’S LOVE4 POWERFULWAYS TO LOVE YOUR TEEN

BUILDING A

LOVE THAT LASTS

Free

Valentines

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FEBRUARY / MARCH 2018 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3

FEBRUARY / MARCH

Couples11 THE HIGHEST VIRTUES Explore God’s Word together with this devotion for couples

12 CREATING EMOTIONAL WORD PICTURESHow a simple communi-cation tool can transform your marriage by Dr. John Trent withKari Trent-Stageberg

17 OWN YOUR MISTAKESWhy you should apologize for careless words—even when they’re honestby Dr. Gary Chapman

18 BUILDING A LOVE THAT LASTS Three ways to cultivate a marriage that every heart longs for by Josh McDowell

22 TOO LATE FOR HOPE? Their marriage had en-dured so much. Would this be the last straw? by Thomas Jeffries

24 THE MOST ROMANTIC GIFT Keep a lifelong fascination with your spouseby Dr. Greg Smalley

kids & teens 25 YOUR CHILD: DEFINED BY GOD’S LOVE Helping your kids recognize their significance in Christby Jennie Allen

28 TRIPPING OVER TRIGGERSHow to deal with the daily frustrations of motherhoodby Amber Lia

30 ONE OF A KINDNurturing your child’s unique personalityby Julie Lyles Carr

35 4 POWERFUL WAYS TO LOVE YOUR TEEN and help them like you back (maybe)by Jessie Minassian

in every issue 4 DALY FOCUS

5 HACKS & FACTS

40 FAMILY MEDIA

46 MY THRIVING FAMILY

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family37 SANDRA STANLEY: WHY I SAID NOTurning down exciting opportunities was hard, but it was all worth itby Sandra Stanley withMarie Isom

43 WHEN CURIOSITY COMES . . . Don’t be afraid of your adopted children’s questions about their birth familyby Danielle Ripley-Burgess

44 THE GHOST OF MARRIAGE PASTWhen your spouse still mourns what can no longer beby Ginger Kolbaba

6 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY FEBRUARY / MARCH 2018

HACKS & FACTS / IDENTITY

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the true beauty of a princessWE LIVE in a time when rais-

ing girls to be confident in their

own skin is a tremendous challenge.

Everywhere we look, in advertise-

ments and popular entertainment, a

woman’s self-worth is linked to her

beauty. Because of this, girls are con-

stantly battling against the world’s

WHO WILL YOUR KIDS BE IN COLLEGE?The journey to college brings new challenges for teens. Download Focus on the Family’s free college guide to help your teens tran-sition into their next season of life. Find it at FocusOnTheFamily.com/College.

obsession with beauty, starting when

they are toddlers.

One day I noticed that I was

unknowingly reinforcing this con-

cept with my 4-year-old. So many of

the stories I shared with her began,

“Once upon a time there was a beau-

tiful princess.”

When I think of all the quali-

ties I want my daughter to strive

for—godly, loving, kind, coura-

geous, honest, hardworking—beauty,

according to what our culture dic-

tates, is not high on my list. But I

noticed that the stories’ focus on

the physical beauty of these hero-

ines was affecting my little girl. As

she mimicked the same phrasing in

her own imaginary stories, I won-

dered why I was highlighting only

one adjective to describe the main

character.

The fix? I omit the word beautiful

from the books I read and in my

made-up stories. My stories begin:

“Once upon a time, there was a brave,

funny, kind, godly and super-cool

princess named Rapunzel.” It didn’t

take long for my 4-year-old to tell her

own stories to our 2-year-old in the

same manner.

Before long, all our stories began

to center on being a good friend or

being brave, rather than focusing on

going to a ball or wearing a pretty

dress. We were reinforcing what’s

important—a person’s (or princess’s)

character.—Jason William Fisher

62%OF AMERICANS BELIEVE FAMILY

WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN FORMING WHO

THEY ARE.source: Barna Group


COUPLES / HELP AND HOPE

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IT WAS ONE OF THOSE trips that brings couples together—

a long-planned-for getaway to

celebrate 15 years of marriage and

to forget, if only for a few days, all

the weight of the last few years. A

chance for Erik and Kelley Shamblin

to put behind them the bad loans,

the failed real estate investments

and the bankruptcy proceedings.

Things were finally looking up, and

this was a chance to escape across

the country, just the two of them,

and to stop stressing about Luke.

But Kelley couldn’t stop. She

tried—she really did—but their

8-year-old son had been behaving

strangely. Luke experienced emo-

tional outbursts at odd times—in the

middle of baseball games, during

recess—and mentioned sporadic

headaches. Their doctor couldn’t

find anything wrong, and the ten-

sion was straining their marriage.

They made some great memories

on that vacation, but Kelley was dis-

tracted with worry about their son

back home.

“We had a huge fight in San Fran-

cisco,” she recalls. “I felt like we

should go home, and Erik was mad

that the trip had turned out this way.”

When they finally landed back in

South Carolina, Luke had red spots

all over his legs. Erik and Kelley took

him to the ER, where hours passed

too late for hope?Their marriage had endured so much. Would this be the last straw?BY THOMAS JEFFRIES

From left to right: Luke, Jacob, Kelley, Erik, Benjamin and Gracey


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HELP AND HOPE / COUPLES

without an update. Late that night

doctors delivered the news: cancer.

Acute lymphoblastic leukemia, to

be exact.

THEY MET IN HIGH SCHOOL, attended college together and mar-

ried in 1996, at the same church

where both their families attended.

Jacob was their firstborn, followed by

Gracey, Luke and Benjamin. Kelley

taught school, and Erik joined their

church’s staff, first as a student pas-

tor and later as the worship minister.

Along the way, the Shamblins

purchased several investment prop-

erties. Life was good, but it didn’t

last. The housing market collapsed

in 2007. Their rental homes had no

renters. Declaring bankruptcy, Erik

says, crushed his self-esteem as a

provider.

By 2011, the bankruptcy was

finally complete, and that’s when

they noticed something wrong with

Luke.

LUKE SPENT THE NEXT 35 DAYS

in the hospital, Kelley at his bedside,

while Erik was responsible for their

other children: two middle schoolers

and a toddler.

“The nights were lonely,” Erik says,

“and I kept most of my frustration

and even anger to myself.”

Luke endured chemo, radiation

and finally a bone marrow trans-

plant. Months of IV lines and feeding

tubes. Daily life was tense, fearful,

uncertain.

“We did not know how to commu-

nicate our emotions,” Kelley says.

“We would react in anger or crying,

but we did not know how to help

each other.”

The transplant was successful,

the recovery long and hard. And

on Easter Sunday 2012, the family

celebrated Luke’s 100-day marker.

Once again life was looking up.

Once again it wouldn’t last.

The voice on the other end was

hysterical. Erik’s father had been

cleaning his shotgun, and his

mother found him in the garage . . .

dead from an accidental blast.

“It was devastating,” Erik says.

“When my dad left, I had a hole in

my heart to fill.”

Erik tried to look strong, to be

strong, but the unseen wounds

were deep. He was looking for an

outlet, and he found one in a rela-

tionship with a co-worker.

Two days after Christmas, Kelley

discovered the damning emails.

Erik confessed—to his wife, his

family and his boss. “Leave him,”

said Kelley’s friends.

“After all we had been through,”

she says, “that Erik would choose

for this to be the story of how it

ends. I could not believe it, and I

wouldn’t.”

Erik resigned from the church,

but he was not abandoned. Their

pastor made an offer: If the couple

agreed to attend a counseling ses-

sion at Georgia’s WinShape Retreat

Center—one of two locations that

host Focus on the Family’s Hope

Restored marriage intensives—

then the church would pay for it.

IT WAS A QUIET DRIVE TO GEORGIA. Kelley was hurt and

angry and hopeful. Erik was hesi-

tant. For four days they sat with

counselors and other couples. They

listened and were listened to. They

read the testimonies of couples

who’d come before them.

“I wept at the stories of God’s

redemption and stories of hope,”

Kelley says. “There was no judgment.

There was love.”

The Shamblins learned to com-

municate with each other, in some

ways for the first time. It was a skill

they took with them back home—to

a new city, new jobs and a fresh start.

They no longer try to ignore pain

or disappointment. Luke remains

cancer-free, but the fear lingers.

Today, they face their hurts together.

Sure, they still have conflict, but now

they work through it. The transfor-

mation, Erik says, began at a Georgia

retreat center.

“We believe it saved our relation-

ship.”

Do you know a couple in crisis? Tell them about Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored marriage intensives.HopeRestored.com

HELP HURTING FAMILIESFocus on the Family relies on the gener-osity of donors to provide help and hope to hurting people like Erik and Kelley. Together, we can make a difference. Visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/donation.


your child: defined by God’s loveHelping your kids recognize their significance in ChristBY JENNIE ALLEN PHOTOGRAPHS BY CATHY WALTERS

WE FIRST MET Cooper when he was

nearly 4 years old. My husband, Zac, and

I had imagined flying overseas to meet our

cuddly toddler, but we arrived to realize

Cooper was a full-blown kid. For 1,400 days,

we’d had no input into his life, and then

suddenly he was our son.

When we returned home with him,

Cooper entered a world he couldn’t have

imagined during his years in the orphan-

age. High-tops, slushes at Sonic and

cartoons on Netflix. But Cooper had one

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KIDS & TEENS / FAITH

obsession: He wanted a bicycle. So I

made a chart with boxes leading to

a printout of the most epic bike he’d

ever seen. Whenever he did anything

noteworthy—stayed in bed, shared

toys, used his fork—he earned a

metallic star sticker, one box closer

to owning that bike.

Cooper was adjusting to the con-

cept of parents, and we needed a

way to motivate his cooperation

that was different from the ways

we’d disciplined our other children.

The chart worked. And it still works.

Cooper still relies on stickers and

prizes as his motivation to get home-

work done.

But while the chart encourages

good behavior and performance,

it has its downside. At some point

as an orphan, Cooper started see-

ing himself as a bad kid. So when

he earns a star, a bright grin breaks

out, as if he sees himself as a good

kid. But if he doesn’t land a star, his

head drops; he’s believing the old lie

again. Yes, he wants the stickers, but

this ache is bigger. Something in him

strives to prove he is enough.

I don’t want any of my children

to think they are defined by stars or

empty boxes, yet we live in a world

that issues gold stars and, more

often, scolding shame. I want my

kids to learn how to rest their iden-

tity in the God who created them.

The God who defines them.

You are lovedI suppose everyone has some ver-

sion of that star chart, some internal

way of measuring approval. We

quickly learn that the more effort

we put into something, the more

“stickers” we get. Studying hard or

working diligently leads to better

performance—and the correspond-

ing praise from teachers, coaches

and bosses. Being a positive, encour-

aging friend can lead others to be a

good friend in turn. This is just how

the world works.

These interactions and achieve-

ments do contribute something to

our identity; they bolster our confi-

dence and help us feel special and

valuable. But an identity crisis can

form when kids view their signifi-

cance entirely through things that

change. Activities, academics, rela-

tionships—these things all have one

thing in common: They aren’t stable.

But our Lord never changes

(Malachi 3:6). His love is the foun-

dation of our identity. Teach your

children that God’s love never

changes and that nothing in this

world can separate us from it

(Romans 8:38-39). Believing that

we are unconditionally loved by our

Maker is the first step toward seeing

our true, unshakeable identity.

You are enoughI was teaching at a Bible study when

a participant stopped me with a

comment. “I just find it hard to

believe that we don’t have to do any-

thing to measure up to God. Sounds

good, but I can’t believe it.”

We may not be as direct, but I

think many of us struggle with this

same issue. And even as our kids

begin to recognize their signifi-

cance in God’s eyes, it’s hard to let go

of that chart system. They want to

please God, perform to make Him

proud; and when they make mis-

takes, they fear His disappointment.

Help your kids understand that

God’s love isn’t manipulated by per-

formance. He does not expect us to

work harder or score higher in order

to win His approval.

After Jesus fed the 5,000, people

asked Him what work God wants

us to do. And what a response Jesus

had! “Believe in him whom he has

sent” (John 6:29, emphasis added).

Our job is to believe. Through this

trust Christ rescues us. What does a

person have to do? Trust the rescuer,

cooperate with the process.

Teach your kids that Jesus did for

us what we could never do for our-

selves: He measured up. He satisfied

all that God asks of you or anyone

to be in relationship with Him. And

instead of keeping that for himself,

WHO AM I?Our significance comes from the Creator of the universe. Together with your child, reflect on these promises from God’s Word:

Listen to our broadcast as Jennie Allen talks about releasing perfectionism and accepting Jesus. FocusOnTheFamily.com/Allen

I am the wonderful creation of a loving God. He knows everything about me

(Psalm 139:13-14).

I was made to reflect the image of God. My abilities to create, learn and love come from Him. I have so much in common with the Creator

(Genesis 1:27).

I am adopted into God’s family, and I will live for eter-nity as His child (Romans 8:15).


FAITH / KIDS & TEENS

Jesus trades places with us. He trades

His enoughness for our scarcity. He

shouldered our not-enoughness and

put it to death on the Cross, allowing

all who believe on His name to mea-

sure up before a perfect God.

You are lightJohn opens his Gospel with the

incredible imagery of what Jesus

brings when He arrives in our world:

light shining into darkness, light

becoming the light of men. God’s

vision for our lives is that we would

receive His light and then reflect

that light to the world (Matthew

5:14). We receive who Jesus is—and

then share Him with others.

I tell my kids that when we

embrace our identity as God’s

adopted child, His light begins to

shine through us. God is in us and

with us. We can rest from striving to

perform as we sit in awe of this awe-

some light that is not contained and

is fully accessible to us.

The night we met Cooper in the

orphanage, Zac and I lay in bed

thinking about the challenges ahead.

How do we parent a child who’s

never known love? Where does this

unconditional love come from? Then

Zac said, “To the degree that I am

able to receive the unconditional

I’ve been created with a purpose. God has prepared good works for me to do, and He will give me everything I need to carry them out (Ephesians 2:10).

I was chosen by God, and I am special to Him

(1 Peter 2:9).

I am a citizen of heaven; this world is not my home

(Philippians 3:20).

I am never in the dark. God’s Word helps me find my way in dark times

(Psalm 119:105).

love of God will be the degree that I

can reflect that love to Cooper.”

So simple. So difficult. Everything

flows out of our identity as adopted

children of the King. The front line of

the battle in our souls isn’t the fight

to become something we aren’t or

hope to be; it is a battle to believe

who we already are. And when we

are secure in that truth, the light that

fills us cannot help but shine forth.

Jennie Allen is a Bible teacher, author and the

founder of IF:Gathering. This article is adapted

from Nothing to Prove: Why we can stop

trying so hard. © 2017 by Jennie Allen. Used

with permission of WaterBrook, an imprint of

Penguin Random House LLC.


ONE OF A KINDNurturing your child’s unique personalityBY JULIE LYLES CARR / PHOTOGRAPHS BY JUSTIN AND KENDRA SKINNER


PERSONALITIES / KIDS & TEENS

“DO I SEE TWO?” my husband,

Mike, asked. “Two heads?”

As my eyes adjusted to the murky

image on the dim sonogram screen,

Kelly, our ultrasound technician,

laughed. “It’s twins!”

Are they joking? I wondered. I’d

long ago earned my mama-to-many

badge. Surely, I’d have known if I had

twins on board.

But there they were on the screen,

two babies nestled together. Baby

A, Merci, slumbered peacefully near

the bottom, while Baby B, Jake, was

stacked on top, kicking his sister in

the face.

Throughout the pregnancy, I was

constantly amazed by how differ-

ently the twins behaved. Merci would

lazily roll and stretch, gently push-

ing against the confines, while Jake

reminded me of a hamster careening

about in one of those clear exercise

balls. Those twinkles of personal-

ity held true after they were born.

Merci liked things calm and predict-

able, often becoming unsettled when

the chaos of big-family life swirled

around her. But Jake was alert and

always moving, joyfully craving

social interactions with his siblings.

And those early glimpses of per-

sonality hold true today, 10 years

later. Carrying two babies at once

really drove home the uniqueness

that God builds into people, the

beautiful range of temperament and

personality that He gives us.

There is tremendous value in

discovering and developing the

unique contours of a child’s heart.

We can demonstrate to our children

that they are known and embraced

for exactly who they are—what

makes them tick, what makes them

bold, what makes them scared,

what touches them and what

defines them.

Understanding our children’s

unique personalities informs our

parenting, of course, but it does

something even more important: It

speaks love.

So how can we better understand

our children’s personalities? We need

to first look at the traits each child

exhibits. I’ve identified four main

personality styles based on William

Marston’s foundational research and

Walter Clarke’s popular personality

assessment system.

Of course, no child (or parent) is

wholly one personality style; we’re

all a gorgeous blend of styles. But

looking at these four personality

styles can be helpful in distinguish-

ing tendencies as well as revealing

the strengths and challenges of our

children’s personalities. This process

helps us adjust our parenting and

better guide the children God has

entrusted to us. >>>


KIDS & TEENS / PERSONALITIES

the

DIRECTORthe

INSPIRERSOMETIMES similar to the Director, Inspirers take

a slightly different tactic by inspiring others to partici-

pate in whatever new idea has caught their eye. Gifted at

encouraging and engaging, Inspirers are people-oriented

over task-oriented. Through humor, charm, fun and a

good nature, Inspirers are influential among their peers.

SOME PERSONALITY styles are tricky to iden-

tify. Others, like the Director, are easy. Task-oriented,

bold, decisive and strong, Directors like to be in charge.

Directors will stand up for what they want, rallying the

troops to get projects completed. They don’t mind shaking

up the status quo to secure a better outcome.

How to parent your DirectorSTRENGTHS: Directors have boldness, candor, leader-

ship, a can-do spirit, an ability to make quick and firm

decisions, and an innate ability to organize people into

effective teams. If you need all hands on deck for a proj-

ect or event, turn to Directors, delegate authority to

them and turn them loose. Directors are happy to barrel

through the protesting and groaning of their siblings to

reach the final goal. These are kids who delight in orga-

nizing a family activity and assigning everyone a task.

CHALLENGES: Because of their appetite for achievement,

Directors will need to be coached in listening to others

and valuing others’ thoughts and ideas. Directors are

focused on outcomes, so you’ll need to remind them that

honoring and appreciating people is an important part of

every project. And because others will naturally be drawn

to them, you’ll need to help them recognize that they are

not always on center stage. Teach them that people are not

commodities to be used, but relationships to be cultivated.

WHAT IS MY CHILD’S PERSONALITY?Take a look at the following descriptions. Which personality style best describes

your child? Is your child noticeably strong in one area, or does he exhibit a blend

of two or more styles?

How to parent your InspirerSTRENGTHS: Inspirers love to laugh and make others

laugh. They are often very affectionate. They lead others

by expanding their vision and motivating them through

encouragement. Life is a vibrant, intense and generally

enjoyable enterprise for them. Your Inspirers have a zeal

for taking on new challenges, along with a willingness

to throw themselves into fresh experiences. Give them

opportunities to take on and share their latest inspira-

tions. Encourage them to finish what they start.

CHALLENGES: All that connection and their gour-

met approach to life put Inspirers at risk of focusing too

much on people pleasing and vigorously fearing rejec-

tion. Inspirers will need your coaching to not make

entertaining the crowd their highest aim. You’ll also need

to guide your Inspirers toward paying attention to detail

and recognizing the importance of tackling the mun-

dane tasks of life.


the

CURATORthe

STEADFASTCURATORS are conscientious, careful, compliant,

cautious and concrete. Like the Director, they’re task-

oriented, but tend to enjoy working alone to solve

problems. They also have a strong perfectionist streak.

Curators want to get things right and will work hard

toward that goal. Marking off checklists and following

careful schedules are very rewarding for Curators.

How to parent your CuratorSTRENGTHS: Curators have high standards and bring a

steep degree of excellence to whatever they do. They care

about the small details, about getting it right. Curators

have a sense of how an ordered world should be, and

anything short of that can make them uncomfortable.

When you need things put right and set straight, put your

Curators to work.

CHALLENGES: Your Curators will require your coach-

ing to see the bigger picture because they may become

upset or grumpy when things aren’t going perfectly or

smoothly. They’ll need your guidance in remembering to

consider others’ feelings, as they tend to discount others’

emotions in the interest of undertaking the job at hand.

Getting things right is of such high value to Curators that

they’ll need your guidance in seeing a healthy perspec-

tive on criticism.

DEPENDABLE. Conscientious. Friendly. Loyal.

Steadfasts are the kind of people who do the job

without drama. They are easygoing and like working

alongside others. They’re happy to shovel the detritus

of enthusiastic vision casters and take the task to

completion.

How to parent your SteadfastSTRENGTHS: The great strength of Steadfasts

is, of course, a calm demeanor and steadfast spirit.

Steadfasts’ genuine kindness and consideration are

the stuff of committed and healthy relationships. They

don’t require a crowd, but they do like their friends.

One-on-one time with a parent is of particular impor-

tance, as Steadfasts are wired for connection. And

remember: Still waters run deep. It’s crucial to ask

thoughtful questions and then listen carefully to dis-

cover what might be tumbling around in the heart of a

Steadfast.

CHALLENGES: All that steadiness finds change difficult.

As a parent, you’ll need to help your Steadfasts navigate

and adjust to change. Because feeling secure is of such

high value to Steadfasts, any circumstances that feel

shaky and precarious are difficult for them. They’ll need

your encouragement to try new things, to make modifi-

cations and to step out of their comfort zone. >>>

What influence can parents actually have in guiding a child’s unique personality? Tune in to our broadcast as Julie Lyles Carr shares her insights. FocusOnTheFamily.com/Carr


KIDS & TEENS / PERSONALITIES

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and peacemaking. In carving that

path around the room, he’s created

a solution that honors your request.

Sort of. You, on the other hand, like

the organization of a clean room

with everything in its place.

How do you navigate this clash

of styles? Remember, the Inspirer is

highly people-oriented. He likes a

stimulating, entertaining environ-

ment. If you make the experience

more social, you’re more likely to

make progress toward what you

want done.

An Inspirer may never clean a bed-

room to a Curator’s standards. But

remember the goal: You want to help

your Inspirer develop an ability to

attend to details.

So help him try again. Put on some

music. Make it a treasure hunt to

find a lost toy. Divide the room, tell-

ing him the goal is to get one-quarter

of the room picked up to see if the

missing toy is there. You honor the

bent in him that loves people and

fun experiences. You satisfy your

need for order. And you bend to each

other, respecting your beautifully

diverse, God-given personalities.

It’s good for children to have their

unique, God-given threads, but it’s

also wise for parents to help guide

those powerful strands:

• Directors and Curators are power-

fully motivated by tasks and by your

entrusting them with projects they

can handle confidently.

• Inspirers and Steadfasts thrive

when motivated by relationship,

when people are involved in the

process.

• Directors and Inspirers respond

well when they’re allowed to lead,

even in a small way.

• Steadfasts and Curators respond

well with consistency and clearly

communicated expectations.

If your personality seems to be the

opposite of your child’s, you’re going

to have to intentionally use what

motivates and inspires him, not

what works most comfortably for

you. I’m not talking about allowing

anarchy here. But we also shouldn’t

see the strengths of a child’s person-

ality as something to be conquered.

A child is not a problem to be fixed.

She’s a personality to be focused.

Your understanding of your own per-

sonality in conjunction with your

child’s can help you sort through

conflict and communication.

Let’s say you’re a strong Curator.

And let’s say God gave you a child

who is a high Inspirer. Your strengths

are your attention to detail and a

desire for things to be done with

excellence. When you send your

Inspirer to clean his room, he hur-

ries up the stairs, singing loudly. In

the midst of cleaning, he calls down

several times, excited to tell you

something he thought of. Before

long, he declares he’s done.

When you go upstairs to review

his work, there doesn’t seem to be

any improvement to the mess. You

express irritation, but your child

seems perplexed as he points out the

nice path from the door to the bed

and from the bed to the closet.

Is your Inspirer being obnoxiously

disobedient or lazy? There might

be some of both, but there’s more

going on here. For the Inspirer, his

God-given bent is to find a creative,

interesting solution to problems. A

mundane chore isn’t all that inspir-

ing to him. His eagerness is for

human connection, for negotiation

HOW YOUR PERSONALITY INFLUENCES YOUR PARENTING

Julie Lyles Carr is a popular author and speaker.

Her most recent book is Raising an Original.


family

sandra stanley: why I said noTurning down exciting opportunities was hard, but it was all worth itBY SANDRA STANLEY WITH MARIE ISOMNO

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FAMILY / INSPIRE

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN offered an amazing opportunity,

only to get that feeling in the pit of

your stomach, knowing you need to

say no? Maybe the timing is off, or

you feel overwhelmed with the com-

mitments already on your plate.

I had that sinking feeling in the

early days after Andy and I started

North Point Ministries. I was raising

three young kids, home-schooling

our oldest for kindergarten and jug-

gling all the details of young family

life, so I didn’t have a ton of margin

for adding to-do’s to the to-do list.

In the midst of that, I knew our

church needed to launch a minis-

try to address the particular needs of

the women. I mean, what’s a church

without a women’s ministry, right?

As conversations began and a

team developed, I was approached

about being involved. Here’s the

thing: I hate disappointing people.

I always have. So saying no was really

hard. But, because I had already

said yes to home-schooling our son

during this season, there was clar-

ity in the decision. I knew I couldn’t

do both well. So, I set aside time for

what was important to our family.

Keeping to the planAs the kids got a little older, I con-

tinued with the commitment to

home-school. Honestly, home

schooling was a bigger job than I

anticipated. I began to recognize

how easy it would be to lose focus if

I said yes to other things. Yet there

were certainly offers and options

that came my way that would have

been fun. Some of them were sig-

nificant opportunities that were

ministry-related and would do so

much good for others.

Around this time, Andy preached a

sermon series on Nehemiah. During

the series, Nehemiah 6:3 jumped out

at me as an anchor verse in my par-

enting and home-schooling journey.

To help me stay focused, I posted

this verse in strategic places around

the house: I am doing a great work

and I cannot come down. Why should

the work stop while I leave it and

come down to you?

I even had a copy framed and

hung in our schoolroom. When

the tug-of-war began within me, I

repeated the words to myself. Like

Nehemiah, I had a great work to do

and I couldn’t be pulled away. To do

well at teaching my children, I had

to categorically say no to other valu-

able ministries. It dawned on me

that a no for now didn’t mean no

always—it’s a no for this season.

Finding the right balanceFast forward a few years, and our

kids all went to public high school.

Around the time our youngest

entered ninth grade, we became

a foster family to three little girls.

Taking on this new responsibil-

ity meant adjustments and a fresh

review of the activities on our calen-

dars. Fortunately, the entire family

had a heart for helping kids in hard

places, so we all created space in

our schedules. Everyone pitched in.

Andrew, our oldest, and Garrett, our

middle son, helped with driving kids

to school and running errands. They

also provided comic relief and enter-

tained the girls, who’d never had

brothers.

Our daughter, Allie, helped with

child care and was an incredible role

model for the girls. It was amazing

to me that she could say the same

things I’d say, but they would actu-

ally listen to her. The extra help from

our kids gave Andy and me the

needed margin to stay on top of

Andrew, Allie and Garrett on a field trip to a farm in 1997

previous page: Andy and Sandra; above: Andrew, Garrett, Allie, Sandra and Andy Stanley

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INSPIRE / FAMILY

appointments, parent visits, court

dates and caseworker visits.

Because we chose to say no to less

important activities, we had room

to say yes to what really mattered to

us—taking in three little girls who

needed a home.

What’s rewarded is repeatedOver time, our kids began seeing

the value of saying no to certain

opportunities in order to have more

capacity for others. Recently, Allie, a

senior at Auburn University, came to

the conclusion that she was spread-

ing herself too thin—being involved

with Young Life, doing an intern-

ship with a startup church, leading

in her sorority, and oh yeah, going to

class. She made the hard decision to

step away from a couple of activities

she loved in order to give her best to

the things she felt certain God had

called her to.

Every now and then we get these

little glimpses of proof that our kids

really are getting what we’re trying

to teach them. Andy and I decided

early on to make a big deal about

our kids’ good decisions. What’s

rewarded is repeated, and we

decided we’d be crazy not to reward

great decision-making. Sometimes it

was simply verbal affirmation; other

times a favorite dinner. I think I even

resorted to balloons a time or two.

For me, a capstone moment came

at my 50th birthday party. After din-

ner, each of my children read words

they had written to honor me on my

special day. Tears streamed down

my face as my oldest son recounted

how he had watched me live out

each sacrificial no over the years

so that I could stay focused on our

family. He celebrated some of the

opportunities I’m able to say yes to

now. Who knew that my 25-year-old

son was even paying attention to

that? He talked about how proud he

was that I was back in school getting

a master’s degree, taking advantage

of writing and speaking opportuni-

ties, and pouring into our current

foster daughter.

After hearing his words, I knew

that I had given up far less than I

had been given. Every no had indeed

been worth it.

Sandra Stanley is a foster care advocate,

speaker and the author of Breathing Room:

A 28-day devotional for women and The

Comparison Trap: A 28-day devotional for

women. Marie Isom is a freelance writer.

Andrew Stanley making a presentation in 2004

Focus on the Family’s 7 Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment gives

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Garrett with Andy and Sandra at his college graduation ceremony

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