helping the shy student connect to school asca june 29, 2008 dr. teesue h. fields

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Helping the Shy Student Connect to School ASCA June 29, 2008 Dr. Teesue H. Fields

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Helping the Shy Student Connect to School

ASCA June 29, 2008

Dr. Teesue H. Fields

What is Shyness?

A shy person wants to be with others BUTfinds it difficult to do so

The important word here is: WANTS

Is a shy person an introvert?

NO! An introvert likes being alone and is perfectly

happy being by themselves. They don’t WANT to be with others.

Are People Born Shy?

No. You develop feelings of shyness as you grow up.

Shyness happens as you develop a sense of self (about 18-24 months) and you think people are looking at you.

Shyness can be triggered by negative situations or lack of socialization.

Shyness Can Take Different Forms

Two people can describe themselves as shy, but it means different things.

Rafe can answer questions in class, but be uncomfortable talking at parties.

Betina can be comfortable interacting in her extended family but not with peers her age.

Can’t treat all shyness as the same

As a counselor, you need to understand the situations where a student feels shy

The student needs to better understand him or herself and identify situations where s/he feels shy

Why does shyness matter?

What kind of problems have you seen students have as a result of their shyness?

Turn to the person next to you, introduce yourself and the level of school where you work and identify at least two kinds of problems you’ve seen that result from shyness.

Why does shyness matter?

Research shows that students who feel connected to school are less likely to drop out. Part of that connection is having friends.

Being comfortable around others is a very important job skill.

Shy students have difficulty asking for help.

Focus on teens

Although any age (after 18-24 months) can feel shy, we are focusing on pre-teens and teens

Adolescence seems to magnify the problems of shyness

Maybe because students feel so much more self-conscious at adolescence

Becoming Successfully Shy

The goal is not to CURE shyness The goal is to help students learn to deal with

their shyness Shy students will probably always be shy, but

they can learn to be successfully shy. When they WANT to be with people, they

can learn how to do that

Strategy 1- Comfort Zones

Shy people need to understand Places they feel comfortable People they feel comfortable with Activities they feel comfortable doing

COMFORT ZONES WHERE THEY AREN’T SHY!

EXAMPLE

Milan likes to sing. But only at home. And only where

family can hear.

Expand Comfort Zones

Student can do an activity that is comfortable, but do it in a new place or with new people

Milan can sing with one friend she trusts, but still be at home

WATCH OUT FOR…..

LAND MINDS Anxiety can make it difficult for a student to

expand his or her comfort zones. You need to help the student deal with the

anxiety

How does anxiety hurt?

Look at Milan’s thoughts about singing with a friend.

What anxious messages does she use? How does this hamper her ability to expand

her comfort zones?

Dealing with Anxiety

Student needs to identify anxious feelings Realize it is OK to be anxious Take anxiety temperature Normal Above Normal Off the chart

Look at Joey’s Problem

Work with person next to you to fill out the anxiety worksheet

Remember, it’s important for the shy person to be aware of what is happening.

Dealing with Anxiety

With a little anxiety, take small steps Do the activity for a short time and leave Practice with a comfortable person (or with

your counselor or counseling group) Be persistent – TRY AGAIN!

Strategy for Shyness:Warming Up

Shy people aren’t instantly “on” They need to give themselves time to warm

up Can do something small to give themselves

time (pour punch, put out chairs, set up the mike)

Then start slowly – talk to one person

Strategy – Survey the Scene

Check things out ahead of time Go early Try things out when nobody is around Watch other people doing something first

Look at Risa’s situation

How can she use the steps in Surveying the Scene to ease her anxiety and deal with her shyness?

Work with the person next to you.

Land Mind Alert!

Shy teens fall into the blame game trap The shy teen tries something and it doesn’t

go well – the shy mind says “this is my fault” Or things go OK and the shy mind says, “Boy

was I lucky. This will never happen again.”

Dealing with the Blame Game

Think of the other reasons things didn’t go well (great for counseling group)

Identify other people who contributed to the problem

Trick the shy mind

Tricking the Shy Mind

Admit that it WAS a little bit your fault

But it was also a little bit your credit! You got out of your comfort zone!

If things go well, some of it was due to your efforts; not all but at least some.

Strategy for Shyness

Select a role model Look at someone who is doing something

you want to do and study how they do it Again, a great thing to do in counseling

Land Mind Alert!

Shy teens tend to pick STARS as role models.

If they want to talk to people at a party, they pick the most outgoing person in class as their model.

That’s NOT helpful. Need to pick someone more like them.

Things to Remember

Students need to set goals they are comfortable with

Don’t push student to go too fast This is not sink or swim! This is toe in the

water.

Things to Remember

Shy people will always be shy.

They can learn to be successfully shy so they can do the things that THEY want to do.