herm (the former) vampire hunter

7/31/2019 Herm (the Former) Vampire Hunter

1/21

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT

Its a cold dark night. Fog creeps over the witheredtombstones leading up to a tall, bended castle. Zombies lurkthrough the graveyard. Lightning crashes. An evil snickerechoes from within.

The silhouette of a tall man carrying a crossbow, HERM,dashes along the shadows as quick as a cat.

INT. CASTLE - CONTD

Inside, DR. Vlak Von STIGGLEWORM, a plumb chicken-like manin his later years, hovers over an operating table. He holdsthe scalpel over his head and quickly slices away at anindistinct body on the table. He grabs an electrical cordand shoves it into the body. Sparks fly, lighting up Vlaks

menacing smile.

VLAKYes! Yes!

Behind Vlak, HERM drops down from a vent like a ninja. Hehides behind a dusty pile of old robots.

Vlak pulls the electrical cord away and steps back. He ismarveled with his creation. A furry one-eyed creature sitsup from the table. It has mechanical arms, clamps for hands,jagged yellow teeth, yellow eyes, and is clumsily puttogether. It slowly looks at its creator in bewilderment.

Herm scowls from behind the robots.

HERM(muttering)

What the?

The creatures pounces on Vlak and latches on with his yellowteeth. Vlak struggles to pull the creature off, squealinglike a girl.

DR. VLAKNo you idiot! Im your master! Getoff of me!

The creature releases his grip and smiles at Vlak.

CREATUREMommy?

Vlak smiles an evil grin.

(CONTINUED)


2/21

CONTINUED: 2.

VLAKYes, I am your mommy! And I shallname you Sweetie!

Vlak unbuttons his shirt and pulls out his nipple.

VLAKFeed, my darling.

Herm pops up from the behind the robots.

HERMAlright, please stop! Just stopright there please.

Vlak spins around, holding Sweetie like a baby.

VLAKWell hello, Herman. Its really not

nice to intrude on our intimatetime.

Herm points his crossbow at Vlak, ready to shoot. Vlak hidesbehind Sweetie and Herm tries to follow.

VLAKStop.

HERMHold still.

VLAK

Dont point it at me.

HERMJust...would you put that thingdown?

VLAKQuit it. Stop, please! Please!

HERMQuit moving! Okay enough!

Herm shoots an arrow, but Sweetie catches it in mid-air.Vlak explodes with laughter and pulls out a remote control.He presses the red button. A stream of fire explodes fromthe floor, incinerating Herms crossbow. Vlak presses thebutton again. The time poisonous darts shoot from everydirection. Herm bends and twist to avoid them. Vlak pushesthe button yet again. Large bladed pendulums swiftly swingat Herm, but he back flips to safety. As he lands, his legsbegin to transform into withered old man legs. Soon, every

(CONTINUED)


3/21

CONTINUED: 3.

other part of his body follows. Herm reaches for a flask onhis utility belt and puts it up to his mouth to drink. Buthe is too slow, as Vlak slaps the flask away and points theremote at his face. The now withered, old Herm is defeatedand he knows it.

HERM(grumbling)Just finish me off you sickbastard.

VLAKOh Herm, Herm, Herm. I havesomething much, much worse plannedfor you.

Lightning crashes. Herm drops his jaw in fear.

CUT TO:

EXT. NURSING HOME - NIGHT

Several ORDERLIES dressed in white pull Herm out of awindowless van and drag him toward the building. He ishandcuffed and blind folded. An ORDERLY takes the bag off ofHerms head. Herm sees the sign "Sunnyvale NursingCommunity".

HERMNo!!!!

INT. NURSING HOME - CONTD

A fat, beady-eyed RECEPTIONIST sits behind a grungyreception desk. She types away. Depressing elevator musicplays over dusty speakers hanging from the walls. Theorderlies shove Herm against the desk, he is distraught.

RECEPTIONISTYou must be Herm. Weve been

waiting for you. Sign here.

The Receptionist shoves a paper toward Herm as an Orderlyputs a pen in Herms mouth and shoves his head down to signthe documents.

RECEPTIONISTOkay. Lets de-lice him.

(CONTINUED)


4/21

CONTINUED: 4.

Still handcuffed, Herms clothes are ripped off his body.The orderlies all start throwing white powder on him. AnOrderly blast Herm with a fire hose, slamming him againstthe wall. Herm feebly gurgles water.

CUT TO:

INT. NURSING HOME COMMONS AREA

Herm, still dripping wet, is shoved through two large doors.He turns to run back out, but the doors are slammed in hisface. A large bolt lock slams into locking position. Hermbangs his fist against the door.

HERMYou bastards! Let me out of here!

Herm runs out of gas. He slowing turns to around to see a

large commons area full of elderly people. Boring waltzmusic plays. In the background Herm notices a skeletonsitting in a chair, cobwebs cover his body.

HERMOh my god.

INT. CASTLE - NIGHT

Back in the labratory, Vlak scurries around, still carryingSweeite.

VLAKNow that Herm is finally out of thepicture, we can focus on worlddomination!

Sweetie tries to feed on Vlak again. But he pulls him off.

VLAKNo, Sweetie! Mommies nipples toosore.

A quick shot of Vlaks irritated, red, pulsating nipple.

VLAK (CONTD)You must have real sustinance!

Dr. Vlak pulls the tarp off of a cage, unveiling a boundnaked man inside.

(CONTINUED)


5/21

CONTINUED: 5.

NAKED MANWhat are you doing? What do you

want with me? Im just sellinsurance! Please, no!!

Dr. Vlak tosses the man toward his creature. The creaturepounces on the man and starts to feed. Blood squirts

everywhere, even on Vlak.

NAKED MAN (CONTD)NO! NO! Oh my god! Why?!

Blood curdling screams echo across the castle. Then the doorbell rings. Dr. Vlak stops in confusion.

DR. VLAKI wonder who that could be at thishour?

Dr. Vlak approaches his large wooden doors on the entrance

of the castle. On the doors are goofy looking cross eyedgargoyles.

GARGOYLE #1Hey! Hey there! Whatcha doin?

Dr. Vlak slaps the Gargoyle across the face. It winces andbecomes sad, whimpers. Dr. Vlak opens the door. A thin man,TODD, in a brown suit stands there with a briefcase in hand.

TODDAre you Mr. Stiggleworm?

DR. VLAKDoctor Stiggleworm.

TODDWhatever. Mr. Stiggleworm, my nameis Todd and Im here on behalf ofthe Internal Revenue Service. Longstory short, you havent paid yourback taxes in, lets see here, 53years.

DR. VLAK

Taxes are for the weak.

TODDRight...anyway, were seizing allyour possessions from your creepylitle castle here to...

Todd spots the gargoyle on the open door. It goofy-lyeyeballs him.

(CONTINUED)


6/21

CONTINUED: 6.

GARGOYLE #1Hey! What are you doing? Im Gary.Wanna-be friends? I can count allthe way to twenty! Wanna see? Huh?

Vlak slaps the Gargoyle again.

VLAKShut your insolent mouth!

TODD...whatever that thing is.

Dr. Vlak is confused, but keeps his evil grin.

DR. VLAKTodd, is it? I dont quiteunderstand...how can you takeeverything if youre in MY TORTURE

CHAMBER!!!

Dr. Vlak jumps for a lever on the wall and pulls it down.Next to the Thin Man, a trap door opens. Todd looks downunamused.

GARGOYLE #1Ooo man, right?! That was close!

Todd hands Dr. Vlak a piece of paper.

TODDAnyway...heres all the legal

stuff. Well be expecting youout...

(beat)...now.

Suddenly a bulldozer and a wrecking ball start tearing downDr. Vlaks castle. In seconds, the whole place is shattered,and Dr. Vlak stands in the doorway, which is the only thingleft. Behind him all kinds of creatures such as yetis,zombies, robots, vampires, ghouls, gargoyles, dragons,centaurs, etc, escape off screen. It takes only seconds.Vlaks creature shuffles under some rubble and jumps to hisside. Todd watches unamused.

TODDWeve made arrangements for you andyour, things, to stay SunnyvaleNursing Community.

Dr. Vlak and the creature look at each other.

(CONTINUED)


7/21

CONTINUED: 7.

TODD (CONTD)Have a nice day.

Todd exits, leaving Vlak and Sweetie alone on the doorstep.

GARGOYLE #1He seemed nice.

Vlak repeatedly slaps the gargoyle over and over until thegargoyle is left dazed. His eyes cross. Vlak turns backtoward Todd and puts his fist in the air.

DR. VLAKYou wont get away with this!Stiggleworm will have the lastlaugh!

Vlak throws the paperwork at Todd as he walks away. Suddenlylightning cracks and it begins to pour. Vlak and hiscreature are utterly defeated.

DR. VLAKWell, this is...ironic.

INT. NURSING HOME - DAY

Herm sits around a game of dominoes. The other elderlies donot talk, they barely move. Herm looks completely crazed,staring off into nothing. NELSON, a hump backed greasy man,sits next to Herm. He fidgets in his seat, repeatedlylooking at Herm like a admiring teen.

NELSONHi, Im Nelson.

Herms gaze is fixed. Nelson inches closer in his chair.

NELSONIts your turn, sir.

Still nothing from Herm. Nelson moves his domino for him.

NELSONDomino! Suck it losers!

Nelson leans over the table and starts mixing all thedominoes. It takes awkwardly long.

HERMThis is hell.

Nelson stops shuffling the dominoes.

(CONTINUED)


8/21

CONTINUED: 8.

NELSONNo, were in Sunnyvale. Its anursing home, sir.

Nelson fixes his eyes on Herm waiting for a response.

HERMIf you keep looking at me, Imgoing to slap your face off yourface.

Nelson looks away, but struggles to not look at Herm. Heeventually looks back. Herm sighs with depression.

HERM (CONTD)I need a drink.

Out of nowhere BRIAN, Herms grandson, and his two friends,BRAD, and BRENT, the VAMPIRE BOYS, appear behind Herm.

BRIANAlways trying to drink away yourproblem, arent you Grandpa?

Herm spins around and hugs Brian.

HERMBrian, thank god! You have to get

me out of here!

Brian is uncomfortable with Herms hug. Nelson beams withexcitement.

NELSONOh my heavens! The Vampire Boys! Iam such a big fan!

HERMCome on, lets go. I cant standthis place another minute.

BRIANJust hold on a second, old man.

Herm is surprised, and a little scared of what Brian mightsay.

BRIAN (CONTD)Now that youre in here, businessis finally booming. Were the only

monster slayers left in the city.

(CONTINUED)


9/21

CONTINUED: 9.

HERMWhat in the hell do you mean? Vlak

was the only one left, and...

BRIANNot anymore. His monsters are

running rampant through the cityand were the only ones that canstop them. Look.

Brian turns on an old dusty tv. A helicopter shot showsVlaks destructed castle. Smoke billows from the ruins.

Another shot shows monsters on the loose in the city.Zombies chase innocent civilians. A large dragon swoops downburning everything in its path.

HERMOh my god! Brian, the city needs

me!

BRIANNot anymore. No longer will thevampire boys live in your shadow.

Herm is stunned.

HERMYou cant leave me in here. Please,Brian! I can help!

The Vampire Boys turn to leave.

BRIANSorry, G-Pa. With Vlak dead and hisevil monsters on the loose, itstime for me to finally shine.

They exit and the security doors are slammed behind them.Herm presses his hands and face against the reenforcedglass.

HERMYou little shit! You cant leave mein here with these people! They

wear diapers, Brian! They weardiapers!!!

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT Dr. Vlak and his creature walkthrough the ghetto. The storm rages on. Vlaks creaturestruggles to pull along an obscurely oversized bag behindhim. Vlak holds a feminine pink polka-dot umbrella.

(CONTINUED)


10/21

CONTINUED: 10.

DR. VLAKLook out for the puddles, Sweetie.

The creature rolls his eyes.

DR. VLAK (CONTD)

What an astounding place!

Gunshots rattle off in the distance. Car alarms go off.Monstrous growls and screams echo in the distance. Suddenlya large man jumps out and points a knife at Vlak.

LARGE MANEmpty your pockets ya old bastard!

Vlak is unamused. The creature stares wide-eyed behind him.

VLAKI dont have any pockets to empty.

LARGE MANGimme the bag then!

Vlak and the creature look at the bag.

VLAKOkay then. Sweetie, give this nicegentlemen the bag.

The man lowers his knife and heads for the bag. Vlak extendsclaws from his fingers and scratches him across the face.

LARGE MANOw! What the hell? Who scratches astranger?

VLAKYou were literally just pointing aknife at me, I didnt expect you tocry like a little girl.

LARGE MANOw...I think you scratched mypupil.

Dr. Vlak looks concerned. He steps closer.

VLAKYep, looks like a got your pupil.

LARGE MANIt really hurts.

(CONTINUED)


11/21

CONTINUED: 11.

VLAKCan you see?

LARGE MANIts a little blurry but...

Vlak removes a jewel encrusted blade and stabs him in theeye. The Large Man lets out a scream and then falls to theground. Blood begins to poor into the street.

VLAKHows that? Any better?

UNEMBODIED VOICE (OS)Damn!

Dr. Vlak looks off screen toward the voice.

VLAK

Youre next!(beat)

I like this place. Its soexciting! If this nursing home isanything like this, maybe it wontbe so boring afterall.

Vlak exits off screen. Sweetie looks at the body, thenstarts to crudely shove it into the large bag.

VLAK (OS)Come, Sweetie!

CUT TO:

INT. NURSING HOME

Vlak and Sweetie are naked, being sprayed down by thefirehouse. Vlak cowers and attempts to cover his face withSweetie.

The security doors are slammed behind them. They stand theredripping wet in astonishment.

INT. NURSING HOME - HERMS ROOM - CONTD

Herm sits on the floor against the wall. Nelson sits on hisbed in silence.

HERMI cant believe Vlak is dead.

(CONTINUED)


12/21

CONTINUED: 12.

NELSONSir?

HERMMy arch nemesis, Dr. Vlak VonStiggleworm. That was his castle

and his creatures.

NELSONDr. Dak Don, what?

HERMStiggleworm...

NELSONWiggleperm?

HERMStigg..

NELSONStiggs..

HERM..leworm.

NELSON...leworms.

Herm reaches up and slaps Nelson. Nelson rubs his face.

HERM

Well...thats it. Nothing left forme to do now but die a lonelydeath.

NELSONIll be here to keep you company,sir.

HERMIm absolutely thrilled. ThanksNelson.

NELSONYoure welcome, sir.

HERMI just dont get it. How could Vlakbe dead?

(CONTINUED)


13/21

CONTINUED: 13.

NELSONPerhaps he isnt dead, sir.

HERMWell Ill never find him now. Hesprobably halfway to Siberia by now.

Nextdoor, they hear banging and rustling, muffled voices.Suddenly a sledgehammer smashes through the wall.

HERM (CONTD)What the hell is going on here?

Vlak sticks his head through the hole. Wide-eyed, Hermstands to attention.

HERM(growling)

Stiggleworm...

Vlak smiles.

VLAKHerm! So nice to see you!

Herm runs over and grabs Vlak by the throat.

HERMYou son of a...

VLAKWhoa, whoa, whoa! Herm, please.

Lets be evil.

Herm lets go.

HERMYoure the only evil one here,Stiggleworm!

VLAKI said civil.

HERMNo, you said evil.

VLAKIm pretty sure I said civil.

Herm raises a fist to punch Vlak, who holds his hands up indefense.

(CONTINUED)


14/21

CONTINUED: 14.

VLAKJeez, still working on that angerproblem, huh?

(beat)Herm, please. Were old men now.

And neighbors! This could be fun!

HERMCut the crap, Vlak. Give me onegood reason why I shouldnt greaseyou right now!

VLAKThe IRS took everything from me. Iam a defeated man, sent here to rotaway and slip into senility, justlike you.

NELSON

Kick his ass, Herm!

HERMNelson, shut up!

VLAKWhos your little boyfriend?

HERMHes not my boyfriend!

VLAKYeah, right.

Herm pulls out a switchblade and lunges at Vlak, but Sweetiejumps in and removes the blade from him. Herm is astonished.

VLAKOh, Sweetie! Such a good littleboy! Isnt he great?

Herm growls in frustration.

VLAKWell, its been fun, but we aregoing to get blazed wicked hard.Later losers.

Vlak and Sweetie giggle and exit back into their room.

HERMDont walk away from me, Vlak! Thisisnt over until I say it is!

(CONTINUED)


15/21

CONTINUED: 15.

A board is placed over the hole and several nails shootthrough the wall to put it in place. Jimi Hendrixs "FoxyLady" blares from within.

HERM (CONTD)Okay. I see how it is. Yea, drown

me out. You wont get away withthis!

A long pause. Herm and Nelson awkwardly listen to "FoxyLady". Herm shakes his head and growls.

HERM (CONTD)This isnt good, Nelson. Everyonein this building is in danger.

NELSONGet away with what, sir?

HERMJust, like, being here. Hes theessence of evil. One time, heburned down an entire village ofRomanians just to open up azombie-themed Chilis.

NELSONHow exactly does that work?

HERMIm not proud of it, Nelson, but Ikilled every last zombie there, man

woman and child...but he got away.He always does.

NELSONI dont know, Herm, looks like hejust wants to get wicked blazed andlisten to loud music. Maybe hesnot so evil anymore.

Herm grabs Nelsons collar and puts him against the wall.

HERMYou listen to me and you listengood, I am the good guy and I say

what is right and what is wrong,what is good and what is bad. Andthat Elton John looking weirdo intheir is capable of anything.

Herm lets Nelson go, straightens his shirt. Nelson frowns.

(CONTINUED)


16/21

CONTINUED: 16.

NELSONYou are angry.

INT. NURSING HOME OFFICE

A sign on the door says, "GARY GRIBBLET - Boss ofEverything". Inside, Herm is in the middle of a rampantspeech. Mr. Griblet sits behind a messy desk. He sportsgaunt mustache and is wearing a skin tight bicycle outfit,but is much to fat and middle-aged to wear it well. He nodssincerely as Herm speaks.

HERMIm not kidding, this guy is theepitomy of evil. He will burn thisplace to the ground! You need toevacuate immediately!

NELSON(mutters)

I need to evacuate my bowels.

MR. GRIBLETWhatd you say?

Herm scowls at Nelson.

NELSONThe food here is horrible, nooffense. But I am ridin porcelain24/7.

HERMSeriously? Youre bringing that upnow?

MR. GRIBLETGuys, Im gonna have to stop youright there. Uh, Im not evacuatinganyone. Quite frankly the short

move outside might kill most ofthem due to their, and your,fragile nature. And quite frankly,I think youre both a littlebonkers, so please excuseyourselves.

Now Herm is extremely upset. He leans over the table,pointing a finger at Gary.

(CONTINUED)


17/21

CONTINUED: 17.

HERMYou cant do this! These people arein danger!

Mr. Griblet leans toward his intercom and pushed the button.

MR. GRIBLETSecurity.

Before he finishes, Herm and Nelson are tackled by a groupof large Orderlies. Both are stabbed with needles andimmediately subdued.

INT. NURSING HOME - DINING ROOM - LATER

Herm and Nelson peak out the hallway into the dining area.Elderlies dine everywhere. Sticking out like a sore thumbare Vlak and Sweetie. No one seems to even notice a

mechanical monster just hanging out.

HERMJust look at his stupid face.

Nelson squints.

NELSONYea, its pretty stupid.

Vlak and Sweetie notice them watching. Herm and Nelson takecover behind the wall, but slowly peak back out.

Vlak whispers something to Sweetie and they both let out aroarous laugh.

This really upsets Herm.

HERMI cant take it, Nelson.

NELSONJust stay calm, sir.

HERMIm serious. Im gonna lose myshit, man.

NELSONI mean, theyre just sitting there.

HERMNo, hes up to something.

(CONTINUED)


18/21

CONTINUED: 18.

Vlak puts some food in his mouth, chews it, then spits itinto Sweeties mouth.

Herm and Nelson wince with disgust.

HERM

You see! Hes crazy!(beat)Im going over there. Im goingover there and Im gonna punch hisbig stupid head off his fat chickenbody!

Herm storms out into the dining hall, Nelson close behind.Vlak notices and motions Herm over.

VLAKHerm, please, come join us!

Herm is taken off guard by Vlaks invitation. Nelson sitsdown immediately, Herm hesitates.

HERMI dont know what youre planning,but Im not going to let it happen.

Vlak wipes food off Sweeties face.

VLAKIm planning on finishing this

meal, then giving Sweetie a bath.Seriously, Herm, this is pathetic.

Just sit down and eat some fuckingfood.

Herm is confused, he tries not to clinch his fist, but justcant resist. Slowly he comes to a realization that maybehis days of kicking ass were over.

HERMAny bacon today?

Nelson chomps away.

NELSON(mouth full)

Yea, its nice and greasy to-....

Nelson freezes up and falls off his chair.

HERMI knew it!

(CONTINUED)


19/21

CONTINUED: 19.

Vlak and Sweetie stand up from the table, take a step awayfrom Herm.

VLAKSo I might have misplaced some of

my witch poison into the bacon.

Its not that big of a deal,Herman.

Herm leaps across the table and tackles Vlak to the ground.While Herm is on top punching Vlak, Sweetie jumps on hisback and pulls his head back by his eyelids. They areabruptly stopped by the newscast on the TV. A stereotypicalnews anchor gives the story.

On the TV monsters we see Brian and his crew fightingvarious monsters, but there are too many.

UNEMBODIED NEWS VOICE

Monster Rampage!!!

NEWS ANCHORThis just in. "The Vampire Boys"unable to protect us. As the cityburns it seems no one is out thereto save us. Now, live coverage ofthe bloody massacre.

The Vampire Boys are struggling to fight off a herd ofmonsters closing around them. Police road blocks are knockedapart like Legos. Several civilians are being torn apart bysome kind of alien creature. Smoke billows. Suddenly a big

dragon swoops down and grabs the Vampire Boys, carrying themoff into the distance.

Herms mouth drops to the ground.

NEWS ANCHORIt seems as though the Vampire Boyshave been swept away by some sortof dragon beast from hell. There isno hope, all is lost. Martha, Imcheating on you.

The news anchor pulls out a gun. Everyone watches, we hear agun shot. The TV beeps into a "Technical Difficulties"screen.

Herm throws Sweetie off his back and pins Vlak up against awall.

(CONTINUED)


20/21

CONTINUED: 20.

HERMI hate you like theres nothingelse left in me. But I need to save

my grandson.

VLAK

But, hes such a douche bag.

HERMI know, but family is family. Evenyou must have some place in yourcold, evil heart for family.

Vlak and Sweetie look into each others eyes, a cheesey 80stune plays over.

VLAKYoure right, Herman. But how do Iknow youre not going to rip me

apart after you turn?

HERMYou have my word as a man.

Herm spits into his hand and holds it out. Vlak curls hislip in disgust.

VLAKThats okay, I believe you. Here.

Vlak punches some keys on his watch, and a small hatch opensin his chest. Vlak removes the flask. Nelson is confused.

NELSONWhat is that stuff?

Herm beams with joy and he beholds his flask.

HERMIts the juice, baby. The juice.

Herm unscrews the cap and chugs it down. As quickly as hedrank it, Herms body transforms, almost implodes andexplodes into a strapping youth. He ties a bandanna aroundhis head, his body glistens like a greek god. Herm standsproud. He breaks a leg off a table and spins it around likea skilled warrior. Nelson is astonished at the godlytransformation.

NELSONSir, youre so...beautiful.

(CONTINUED)


21/21

CONTINUED: 21.

Vlak yawns, Sweetie jumps into his arms. Behind them theother residents eat their food, unaware of all theexcitement.

VLAKHave fun Herm. Sweetie and I will

be playing Bunko.

Vlak and Sweetie exit. Nelson still stands in amazement.

HERMStrap in Nelson, were going forthe ride of your life.

They stand there awdwarkly for a long beat. Herm stares offproudly into nothing.

HERMOkay then, lets go kick some

monster ass.

CUT TO BLACK

herm (the former) vampire hunter

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