Hamilton College Football team to Play Clinton middle SCHoolGiving teenagers something to do besides crash Annex concerts since…nowBy Ms. Tomkin ’12

Remember the titans dept.(STEUBEN FIELD) In the fairest match-up Hamilton’s football team has seen since fac-ing off against a team of angry potted plants, the Athletic Department has confirmed that the Continentals will be playing the Clinton Warriors in an upcoming scrimmage. Tensions have been running high as members of the Clinton community are pitted against one another, but most have reacted positively to the announcement.

“This is great!” local pedophile Louis N. Clark ’12 exclaimed. “College kids versus preteens? I’d definitely watch that. Videotape it, even. And then watch it again. Repeatedly. While ferociously touching myself.”

Some students, however, are skeptical about the game. “Seriously?” Joanna Snookie ’13 gaped. “Are we that

pathetic that we have to play middle schoolers to even get a shot at winning? What’s next, Psi U participating in an episode of Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?”

Nevertheless, Continentals quarterback John Su-pernova ’11 is optimistic about the game.

“Oh yeah, beating them will be a piece of cake,” he laughed. “They’re just little kids. Playing them will be like combining my two favorite hobbies: football and midget tossing.”

According to Coach Mick Jaggerbomb, who is far more skeptical about a Hamilton victory than his quarterback, his team is prepping for the game with a new workout plan. The plan includes taking steroids, cliff diving, and tackling passersby on Martin’s Way who are significantly smaller than the play-ers, also known as “assault and battery.”

“They have a completely different play-ing style than we do,” Jaggerbomb elaborated

as he broke out into a feverish sweat. “Most of them are about 95 pounds so they must be incredibly agile. Also, rumor has it that they have the best Little League quarterback in Oneida County!” In his ensuing panic, Jaggerbomb suffered from a minor heart attack but managed to save himself with a defi-brillator he happened to have in his fanny-pack.

However, when aforementioned Warriors Quarter-back Tim Tomathy, age 12, was asked about his duty as a team leader, he responded with, “Hahaha you said ‘doody’ and poop is funny!” before miming masturba-tion and running to catch his school bus.

Yay, assault and battery! ;)

omg, did yoU HeaR WHat HaPPened at tHe bReaKaWay?!?!?!Seriously, there were undercover cops, yo!By Ms. Ryder ’11

Innuendo and outuendo dept.(DEANSBORO?) Rumors ran rampant last week over what exactly happened at a party at the Breakaway Lounge. Supposedly, an underage rev-eler tossed her cookies on a bro’s Sperry Topsiders and had to be carted away via ambulance. How-ever, many “eye-witnesses” say it went differently.

“I’m pretty sure it had something to do with a drunk townie or a high schooler…or maybe it was a drunk townie high schooler.” Richard Ben-ton ’12 ventured. “The details really aren’t that important, are they? Either way, they’re socially inferior to us Hamilton-folk. I love elitism.”

Emily Dav-enport ’13 saw things differently.

“No way, I heard it was all because of a Scottish Country Dancing initia-tion gone wrong. They were playing

Braveheart Forty-Hands! And then someone got stabbed! There was blood EVERYWHERE!”

Regardless of the true story, some have be-gun to wonder if, with all the swirls of specula-tion, the venue will lose its status as the usual underage-with-a-fake-ID drinking haven.

“Seriously, I don’t know if I can risk showing my brother’s fake to an undercover cop,” Annie Ratzen ’14 squealed. “I heard the Kirkland Police Department goes all ‘Gitmo on underage drinkers. I don’t think I’d do well with water boarding!!!!”

Meanwhile, Charlie Monsan, a manager at the Breakaway, gave a statement in response to the numerous complaints from Hamilton students.

“Look, when an 8-year old gets EMT’d at a bar, shit’s gonna change!” he sighed. “You guys got into Hamilton for Christ’s sake, what did you think was going to happen? We cater to the Hamilton student population, not the Root Daycare. Jeez. You guys are gonna make terrible parents someday.”

“WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY KEYSTONE?”

JaCK daniel’S SPonSoRS CamPUS diStilleRy“Too soon!” students shout in protestBy Mr. Boudreau ’14

Shots shots shots shot-shot shots (erry-body!) Dept.(FIELD HOUSE) November 30th, 2009: this tragic date marks the last Citrus Bowl, a humiliating 3-3 tie for the Continentals. The tied game was so mortifying that the team drowned its sorrows in bottle after bottle of Jack Dan-iel’s after the game. The bacchanalia of sorrow resulted in half the team being EMT’d before they even left the rink, like little bitches.

Yet despite this unbelievable tragedy, the Administration has revealed that the Jack Daniel’s Company sponsored the refurbish-ment of the Field House’s floor. In exchange, the Field House will become the “Jack Dan-iel’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Field Saloon n’ Finger Lickin’ Distillery.”

On the heels of such a recent tragedy, responses to this announcement have been predictably mixed.

“It’s wicked uncool of them to build a distillery right by where my boys got four-kay’d,” Dougie LeB-

lanc ’11 stated. “I mean, have a little respect, eh?” As evidenced by his statement, LeBlanc is vehemently

opposed to the construction of the distillery and plans to or-ganize a protest, dubbed the “Jack as Objectionable Funder Fire” or “Jack-OFF” for short. The protest will include the burning of Jack Daniel’s and Jack Daniel’s-related products, including a limited edition Jack Daniel’s Mighty Mix Mas-ter bartender’s book and matching vomit baggies.

LeBlanc was quick to point out that the protest will not be alcohol free.

“Well, of course there’s gonna be beer,” he said. “Why else would people come?”

The anti-Jack sentiment on campus has left some groups feeling very alienated.

“Drinking Jack is like our religion, man,” an anonymous member Eta Mu Theta stated. “The Mighty Mix Master? That’s like a holy book. You can’t burn that. It’s discrimination, bro.”

Interestingly, the Administration has voiced over-whelming support for the distillery. President Joan Hinde Stewart has stated that she is “psyched for it.”

“Besides,” she added, “I drink tons of Jack. Ke$ha brush-es her teeth with it? Try gargling that shit, lightweight.”

the Duel Observer“Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself.”Volume XVI, Issue IV September 17, 2010

tHiS WeeK: PedoPHileS, alCoHoliCS and SCotS!(i.e. an interview with Mel Gibson)

monday tUeSday

tV

PR

em

ieR

e F

oR

eC

aSt

Gossip Girl Glee

“Spoiler Alert: That gay kid? Still gay.”

High probability Jake misses editing meeting to watch Blake Lively’s tits

30% chance you’re on the fucking

island

WedneSday

’70S and ’90S PaRty tonigHt

See “Michael J. Fox displeased,” pg. 1985

WoRdS oF WiSdom WitH madeleine albRigHt

“Madeleine Albright supports, on principle, the converting of sports fields into discotheques. But, back in my day, we disco’d LOUD son.”

In this issue: BEST USE OF CAPITALIZATION EVERLOST!?!

letteR to CamPUS SaFetyHey Camp-Po,

Dudes, what’s the deal with the crackdown lately? A guy can’t even smoke a J outside Dunham anymore without someone getting in his face. Last week, I asked an officer if he wanted to smoke and I ended up getting POINTS. I didn’t even ask him to pay for it. See what being nice gets you? Points. That’s what it gets you.

I just want to serve hard alcohol to minors in peace. I don’t know why that’s so difficult for you to understand. Look, I still have five handles of Smirnoff under my bed, so clearly the extra points aren’t stop-

ping me. It’s not like I don’t still throw my Tuesday night ragers in South every week. (Note to fresh-men: show up after 11 and I’ll hook you up.)

All I’m sayin’ is, lighten up. Here’s an example: when I tell you I can’t give you my HillCard because I don’t go to school here, just believe me and walk away. Yesterday, I got stopped by Officer Pritchard for an open container and we know each other so I thought we were cool, but then he refused to let me go when I said I was visiting from UC. What the hell man? What happened to believing your friends?

And don’t even get me started on the drugs. What am I supposed to do, hide all my heroin now? I’m not moving it from the top of my desk, right in plain view of passersby. That’s where it goes. Then you get all pissed off when I leave my door open. It’s not my fault you looked into my room just as I was tying off. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to look.

This is a slippery slope. First it’s the booze, then the drugs, and before you know it you’ll be breaking up our late-night orgies in Wellin. Please guys, don’t let it come to that. The orgies are all we have left.

Sincerely,Joe Bruen ’11Edited by Mr. VanTassell ’13

“I can’t even choke a prostitute without you

guys throwing a hissy fit!”

By Mr. Phineas P. Wurterbottom IIIELS Basement was once renowned for its collection

of graffiti, which is arguably one of the most artistic forms of vandalism. Sadly, the reconstruction of the building has destroyed old favorites such as the Laxbot 3000 and a sup-posed gateway to the magical land of Narnia. Despite this, there is still a lot of great art that defaces campus buildings.

A common subject for college graffiti is the phallus. One such example can be found on the face of Henry Bowers ’14. Mr. Bowers passed out with his shoes on last weekend, and an artist took up a sharpie and used his face as a canvas. Notice how the shaft curves around the cheek and towards his mouth. Truly a terrific work of art. The level of detail

in the vein running down the side is remarkable.On the back of the library, there’s a chalk drawing

of another shlong. This one features a mane of hair. The crazed, curvy lines of this pubic ‘fro indicate a mastery of the medium and an aversion to man-scaping.

In Room C of Milbank 41, we can see that an anony-mous prankster-artist has drawn large penises all over the occupant’s walls. Artists usually draw what they know, and in this case, this person knows only a severely malformed or diseased penis. This anonymous artist should get him-self to a clinic. A normal penis does not have testes that are that swollen and misshapen. You probably have gonorrhea, and I implore you to seek treatment.

Truly, the plethora of penises that decorate the cam-pus speak to the diversity of the college. They’re all differ-ent mediums, styles, shapes and colors.

…Well, actually this is Hamilton we’re talking about, so they’re mostly white.

Mr. Wurterbottom will be taking a job as The Duel Observ-er’s resident art critic, as he is unable to find work anywhere else because he majored in art history in college.

Edited by Mr. Grebey ’12

Comments? Complaints? Recipes?

Email duel@hamilton.eduOr find us on the interweb!http://students.hamilton.edu/duel/

mR

. ’13

By M

r. G

rebe

y ’12

the Duel ObserverBrittany Dawn Tomkin Editor-in-Chief/Airplane! (1980)

William Cameron Sinton II Editor-out-Chief/This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

jake christopher zappalaManaging Editor/The Untouchables (1987)

alicia taylor SpechtLayout Editor/Die Hard (1988)John partick kennedy

Layout Editor-in-Training/Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)Katherine Helene still

Photo Journalist/The Breakfast Club (1985)Bruce Springsteen

The BossSenior Staff Writers

James atticus grebeyLesley Elizabeth Ryder

Staff Writersamr Rouvan Mahmudandrew Lee RobinsonKevin nathaniel hessAmanda marie o’brienKatherine Jane Adams

haley isadora riemer-peltzCrawford mckinley charman

ContributorsEvan James Van TassellJohn Kevin Boudreau

Anna Elizabeth JastrzembskiThe Google

Copy Editorssarah mccoy bither

carolyn Marie anderson

Fine Print: The Duel Observer is a publication of the Hamilton College Media Board, and is pub-lished every Friday. The facts and opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily true or indicative of staff opinions. Any resemblance to persons, organizations, or institutions real or imagined, is purely coincidental. Coincidences are coincidences.

Food CHainBy Mr. Charman ’13

maRtin’S Way CatKey Characteristics: Cat. It lives on what we throw away and most likely hibernates in the winter. Sightings: Most easily spotted early on the weekends if you’re not too hungover and can make the trek to Commons. Tastes Like: Pulled pork on pizza on a sandwich on yo momma.

KeeHn CoyoteKey Characteristics: Probably not a coyote, but what’s the fun in that? Sightings: Dark side quad. Much to the dis-dain of the Keehn residents, it is not Sirius Black in dog form.

Tastes Like: China Sea’s Chef ’s Specialties #129: Orange Something.

CaRnegie KRaKen Key Characteristics: Mythical sea monster who is con-trolled by Davy Jones, Professor of Biology. For an accurate portrayal of how horrible it is, take a near-lethal dose of mescaline and watch Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.* Sightings: No one ever lives to talk about it… Tastes Like: Chicken.

FRanCiS manFRedo Key Characteristics: Director of Campus Safety. Chief Enforcement Agent for The Man. Also, he is the holder of the Sword of Destiny, which explains why he has a Kraken mounted in his living room. Sightings: He tends to appear shortly after somebody fucks up real bad. Tastes Like: Probably just like you do… ***The Duel Observer does not advise you do this, but if you do, call us first. We may or may not tag along. **We would also like to take this opportunity to take an official stance against cannibalism.

Friday Five: ReJeCted WHCl Radio SHoWSBy Mr. Zappala ’12

5. The Cee Lo Green Extravangza: Good idea until you realize it’s one long censoring bleep and that song from The Twilight Saga: Eclipse on loop.

4. Fran Drescher Reading the Dictionary: For those who don’t remember the 90’s, Fran Drescher is that grating woman from The Nanny. Are your ears bleeding yet?

3. The John Nitterman Jr. Show: With special guest stars Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniel’s, and J. Jameson (and his sons too!).

2. All Gaga, All the Time: Rejected only because “Alejandro” is nothing without the visual accompaniment. What’s life without scantily dressed Nazis?

1. Joanie’s Open Hour: *crickets*.

The Fine Art of Penis Drawings

QUiCK HitS FoR tHe neW WebSiteBy Mr. Kennedy ’14

The much-anticipated and colossal upgrade to the Ham-ilton website was rolled-out over the past week, leaving users baffled over where all the old features went.

While the radically different design may intimidate users at first, it includes vital changes to navigation, spacing, fonts and color that give the website the new “tech-geek chic” look the college deserves.

It’s now much easier for everyone to find out college news, or stalk that one girl down the hall on student search. The one who you’ve friend requested like four times but hasn’t gotten back to you. She probably hasn’t seen it yet.

The new, much more visually-appealing rotating pictures on the homepage reveal much about the school, in addition to keeping stoners occupied for hours.

For instance, according to statistics gathered from the homepage pictures, Hamilton is actually the most racially di-verse school in the United States. Kudos, need-blind policy.

Writers here at The Duel have reason to believe Hamilton College Spokesperson John Nitterman Jr. has requested that the New Media department splice in single frames of porn in between the changing pictures. More on that to come.