1

Homeopathic Trituration Proving of Corvus Caurinus (Northwestern Crow)

Struggling to Come to Terms with Mortality: Navigating the Bridge Between Life and Death

Written and compiled by Sonya McLeod, BA, DCH, RCSHom

Index About Northwestern Crow ……………………………………………………………………………………………………… 2-7 Proving Information ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. 7 Remedy Information & Summary ……………………………………………………………………………………………. 8-12 Pre Trituration Journal Entries ……………………………………………………………………………………………….. 12-18 C1-C3 Trituration Proving Notes, January 28, 2012 ………………………………………………………………… 18-26 Pre Trituration Discussion, January 29, 2012 ………………………………………………………………………….. 26-28 C4-C6 Trituration Proving Notes, January 29, 2012 ………………………………………………………………… 28-33 After the Trituration, Prover Journals ……………………………….……………………………………………………. 33-40 UK Trituration Proving of Crow, Summary, Spring 2009 ………………………………………………………….. 40-50

2

About Northwestern Crow

Scientific Classification

Kingdom: Animalia Phylum: Chordata Class: Aves Order: Passeriformes Family: Corvidae Genus: Corvus Species: Corvus Caurinus Etymology The noun “crow” is from the Old English “crawe,” imitative of the bird’s cry. The phrase eat crow is perhaps based on the notion that the bird is edible when boiled but hardly agreeable; first attested 1851, American English, but said to date to War of 1812 (Walter Etecroue turns up 1361 in the Calendar of Letter Books of the City of London). Crow's foot "wrinkle around the corner of the eye" is late 14c. Phrase “as the crow flies” first recorded 1800. Relatives There are approximately 45 species of crow in the world. The largest member of the crow tribe is the raven, and the smallest member is the European jackdaw. Other members of the crow family include the jays, magpies, and nutcrackers. The closest relative of the Northwestern Crow is the American Crow. The Northwestern Crow is distinguished from American Crows by its smaller size, smaller feet, faster wing-beat and lower-pitched voice. Range and Habitat Northwestern Crows live on the Pacific coast from southern Alaska to the Puget Sound. British Columbia probably supports most of the world's population of Northwestern Crows. They are among the most ubiquitous birds in the urban environment particularly along the western coast of North America from Alaska to Oregon. They are nonmigratory, and move locally within the breeding range. Winter ranges are more or less identical to breeding ranges, and they withdraw from small coastal islands to join winter flocks around towns and along beaches. Northwestern Crows live near the coast and forage along bays, tidepools, and river deltas. They are also increasingly common in villages, towns, and campgrounds. They also nest on coastal islands, but typically move to the mainland for winter. Northwestern Crows are not often found in deep forest. Description and Identification Crows are readily identified from their entirely black plumage, gregarious habit and their high-pitched “caw” with which they sometimes call with impunity.

3

Like most other Corvids, Northwestern Crows tend to be larger than other passerines with glossy black plumage. They possess long legs and a sturdy bill. Adults weigh between 340 g to 440 g and measure between 33 cm to 41 cm in length. Food Like most crows, Northwestern Crows are omnivores. They eat marine and terrestrial invertebrates, seize fish from tidepools, catch snakes, amphibians, small birds, and small mammals, steal bird eggs and nestlings, and also take fruit, seeds, garbage, and carrion. Northwestern Crows stand near feeding Bald Eagles, Peregrine Falcons, and Glaucous-winged Gulls, waiting for leftovers. Northwestern Crows will take hard food items such as clams and crabs and drop them from mid-air to break them open, and will also drop large snakes to stun or kill them. Northwestern Crows store food in caches in the ground (especially during low tide) then retrieve them (usually within 24 hours). They are renowned as hoarders and buriers of food. They memorize cache locations, and recovery success is usually 99 percent. The crow picks food off the surface of the ground or vegetation; probing its bill into turf and flicks small objects sideways with its bill to expose food. It grasps heavier objects, such as stones, in its bill if possible, and tosses them aside, or puts bill-tip under or against an object to tilt and roll it forward. It has also been known to dig in turf, sand, and pebbles to expose food. It has also been accused of tearing up the sod of lawns in its foraging for earthworms and grubs, and is known for raiding crops. Predators Peregrine falcons take adult crows in some seabird colonies. Goshawks are reported to live mostly on Northwestern Crows. Also, predation by Cooper's Hawk, the Bald Eagle, owls and domestic cats has been observed. Northwestern Crows mob perched predators from safe distances while perched higher off the ground than the predator, particularly when nearby. The Mobbing Call quickly draws others to the scene; the resulting noise can be deafening. They also mob gray squirrels, raccoons, river otters, and domestic cats and dogs, as well as people. Mating & Nesting

The Northwestern Crow begins to breed after its first birthday but nothing is known about when they establish breeding pairs. Nests are built beginning in late February and through March in trees and shrubs and on the ground on small islands. Both parents build the nest. Twigs provide shape to the nest and fine shredded cedar bark, moss, wool and grass stems form the lining. An average of 4 eggs is laid per nest in April, May and June and they hatch in May and June. Only the female incubates the eggs and her mate provisions her with food. This behaviour allows constant vigilance of the eggs and young chicks from other crows intent on cannibalizing them. Chicks hatch naked with a few bits of down. They are fed by both parents and attain 80% of the adult mass of 310 g at about one month of age when they leave the nest. The adults continue to feed them as the young scramble about the branches near the nest for another week or two gradually following the parents on foraging forays. One brood of chicks is raised each year by both parents. Some pairs are assisted at raising the young by the previous

4

year’s offspring. By July, families of crows make a racket when the young beg for food and the parents ward off cats, raccoons, dogs and humans that venture too close.

People are sometimes the recipient of the wrath of adult crows that swoop down from trees to peck or slap at heads. Crows are not villains – they are defending their nestlings.

Roosting, Social Structure & Communication Behaviour important to the Northwestern Crow during the non-breeding season is its congregation into large flocks that move between feeding areas and roosting sites. In most areas, local movements occur twice daily: once at dawn, when the entire population of the roost leaves for foraging areas, and again in late afternoon, as the crows muster in noisy flocks to assemble at the roost sites for the night. On the south coast, some of these movements are spectacular, with birds streaming by in flocks of hundreds or, occasionally, thousands. In flight, they have regular wing beats but sometimes glide or soar on their strong wings. Flocks communicate through a variety of signals and sounds, gathering quickly to mob predators. Like some other members of the crow family, they've also been seen "playing," by dropping and catching in midair a small item such as a twig. Intelligence For their size, crows are the brainiest mammals on earth, outclassing not only the majority of birds, but also most mammals. Aesop’s Fable (6th Century BC) “The Crow and the Pitcher,” relates how intelligent crows are. It tells the story of a thirsty crow that is trying to get water from a narrow, half full pitcher. He drops stones into the pitcher and is able to raise the water so that he can drink. Crows are also smart enough to learn and be trained. “They’re sharp and they pick up sounds so they begin to recognize that sound,” says B.C. zoology professor Wayne Goodey. “It’s not even so much about the reward [of food], but the fact they know that when they come nothing negative is going to happen to them.” According to a University of Washington zoologist who was interviewed in a recent Macleans Magazine article, crows have good memories and can remember faces.

Elusive & Hard to Catch Scientists would like to study these fascinating birds more, but they are just too difficult to catch. It is notoriously difficult to catch these intelligent creatures, and if they are caught once, it will be harder to catch them a second time because they have good memories and are fast learners. Survivors: Difficult to Kill

Crow populations are up thirtyfold since the 1970s in some cities—what University of Washington zoologist John Marzluff has termed an “urban invasion.” In Victoria, North America’s crow capital, the population is up more than 500 per cent: 10,000 now call the B.C. capital home.

5

Some drastic measures were taken to reduce crow numbers in the past in the U.S., including the widespread use of poison and the destruction of winter roosts by a number of means, including dynamite, crows.net marine biologist Michael Westerfield notes. In one case reported in the March 25, 1940 issue of Life Magazine, the Illinois State Department of Conservation killed 328,000 crows in roosts with the use of “festoons of dynamite bombs.”

“None of this has worked and the population of crows on this continent is perhaps as great as it has ever been,” Westerfield says. “Even populations recently ravaged by West Nile virus seem well on the way to a complete recovery.”

Crows are successful in overcoming major lethal events because, in general, they only reproduce when a mated pair successfully finds and occupies a territory, which may represent anything from a few suburban blocks to a fairly sizable area of woodland. There are far more crows than there are available territories and this results in the majority of crows having to delay breeding until they are fortunate enough to acquire a territory that has for some reason become vacant. Although most crows are capable of breeding at one year old, most have to delay mating for two or more years.

The result is a vast reserve of unmated crows available to take over and fill the gap left by mated pairs that may be culled, by occupying their vacant territory. Finally, since the continent has large crow populations, if one area were to actually succeed in wiping out its crows, the neighbouring populations would simply expand to fill the vacuum.

Northwestern Crow Art in (East) Vancouver The crow seems to be a favourite subject for many Vancouver artists, and most especially for Vancouver Eastside artists; so much so that the popular Vancouver Eastside Culture Crawl has a crow as its logo. Artistic renderings of crow are often found on numerous logos, shop signs and inside various establishments in (East) Vancouver.

There are numerous public crow murals to be found in the Vancouver Eastside. Crow murals with a “community” theme are titled “River of Crows,” and “Celebrating Community.” “The Hidden Truth” is a

6

fascinating spray paint mural, representing crow as a wise bird from whom no secrets can be kept. Another mural is titled “Crow Highway,” bringing to mind the Southern BC highway named “Crowsnest Highway (No. 3).” Mythology & Symbolism

A group of crows is called a “murder.” There are several different explanations for the origin of this

term, mostly based on old folk tales and superstitions. For instance, there is a folktale that crows will

gather and decide the capital fate of another crow. Many view the appearance of crows as an omen of

death because ravens and crows are scavengers and are generally associated with dead bodies,

battlefields, and cemeteries, and they are thought to circle in large numbers above sites where animals

or people are expected to soon die.

For First Nations people, crows (as well as ravens) are sacred animals. Crows were said to have brought human beings gifts of seed corn and beans from the field of the Great Creator God Cautantouwit. This god and his crow emissaries lived in a happy spirit world with other gods and spirits of good people. Crows are considered to be messengers between the living and spirit world. They are associated with life and growing things as well as with the great beyond. Crow was also the sacred bird of the First Nations “Ghost Dance” because he was the essential contact and messenger between the living and the spirit world. Crows were medicine birds who could cross over to the Land of the Dead to bring back messages from departed loved ones. Occasionally they could intercede to bring a soul back from the dark land before the body had completely died. In the late 1800’s, the Lakota First Nations believed in a prophesy that white men would be annihilated and that their lands would be restored. The Lakota believed that there would be a great landslide accompanied by whirlwinds and floods. The Lakota would rise above the whirlwinds and floods, with the feathers of the crow in their hair. A First Nations Arapaho song sings about the crow calling all of the dead together, bringing them out from the shadow land, into a new beautiful world of happiness and sunlight. Crow would collect the departed and bring them to the hills overlooking the sea. In one Arapaho legend, crow took a pebble in his beak, dropping it into the water, and it became a giant mountain, assisting the passage of the dead to the sea. He then took some dirt and dropped it into the water, transforming the dirt into a causeway connecting the Spirit world to the living world. Europeans and First Nations people believed that crows were omniscient, to know all things past, present and to come. They could convey prophesies from the Spirit world to the living world. Celtic Europeans associated crows with the Earth Mother. In Baltic countries, crows are associated with wisdom and medicine. One First Nations legends relates the story of a crow doctoring raven. References: Books Feher-Elston, Catherine, “Ravensong: A Natural and Fabulous History of Ravens and Crows,” Penguin Group, New York, 2005. Savage, Candace “Crows: Encounters with the Wise Guys of the Avian World,” Greystone Books, Vancouver, 2005.

7

Verbeek, N. A. M., and R. W. Butler. 1999. Northwestern Crow (Corvus caurinus).In The Birds of North America, No. 407 (A. Poole and F. Gill, eds.). The Birds of North America, Inc., Philadelphia, PA. References: Websites http://www.birdvancouver.com/b_northwestern_crow.html http://www.celebratevancouver125.ca/2011/09/river-of-crows-the-mclean-drive-mural/ http://www.earthlife.net/birds/corvidae.html http://www.etymonline.com/ http://www2.macleans.ca/2010/07/01/caution-angry-crows/ http://muralsvancouver.ca/ http://www.pbs.org/wnet/nature/episodes/a-murder-of-crows/crow-facts/5965/ http://www.pwlf.org/northwesterncrow/behaviour.htm http://www.royalbcmuseum.bc.ca/School_Programs/gracebell/english/nw_crow.html http://www.vancourier.com/technology/Murder+city/3450166/story.html The Homeopathic Trituration Proving of Corvus Caurinus Proving Location Vancouver, BC, Canada Proving Participants Sonya McLeod, BA, DCH Prover #2, Female Prover #3, Female Prover #4, Female Prover #5, Female Prover #6, Female (took 1 dose of Corvus Caurinus C6/10, did not do trituration) Date January 28-29, 2012 Trituration Proving Method The C4 trituration proving protocol used is outlined in “The Trituration Handbook: Into the Heart of

Homeopathy” by Anneke Hogeland and Judy Schriebman.

Source

Vancouver, BC, Canada

Pharmacy

This remedy has been hand potentized up to the C6/220 level by Little Mountain Homeopathy

www.littlemountainhomeopathy.com

8

Remedy Information

Physical Affinities SCALP Skin Joints Ear/Nose/Throat Genitals/Pelvis Heart Lungs Intestines One side Chakra Affinities CROWN Base Throat Brow Heart Sacral Modalities

Desires Food (esp. Eggs, Red Meat, Salt) Water Material Possessions Shiny Things Salvation Talking/Singing To do it Their Way Aversion Dirt Insects Following Someone Else’s/Society’s Rules Worse Poverty Death of a Loved One Injury Chill Overheating

9

Salt Better Prayer Miasm Psoric Major Themes

Bird Themes (Common to All Bird Remedies) Sense of Detachment - “Bird’s Eye View,” Rising Above Desire for Freedom/Independence & Travel Spirituality – “Holy Crow” - Praying Disorientation, Forgetfulness & Lack of Focus (Dis)Connection/Relationship with the Group Dreams of Water Sensitive to cold Feeling Dirty Perfectionism: not true fastidiousness, but the desire to get it right Family/children, dreams and caring for Buzzing/Vibrating Sensation Oversensitive to External Impressions – Hyper Alert Aggravated morning on waking, wakes up exhausted or knocked out Anorexia or voracious appetite Thirst with Copious Urination Nausea. Also sharp abdominal pains in the intestines, uterus and ovaries. Severe dysmenorrhea. Dryness and irritation of the eyes with sharp pains (and swelling around the eyes) Sensitive to sound and stabbing pain in the ears Hayfever or cold symptoms, with nosebleeds Inflammatory sore throat Influenza Stabbing chest pains. Sensation of tightness in chest with a desire to breathe deeply (asthmatic) Stiffness, tension and cramping in the back and extremities Headaches accompanied by a sensation of fullness or pressure, sometimes with vertigo Pressure and sharp pains in the teeth and jaw Always tension and stiffness in the neck, often extending to shoulder or arm. Also, muscular tension in the upper back or dorsal region. Clumsiness and Awkwardness of the upper and lower extremities Extremity pain (e.g. joints) and sciatica References Narayana Publishers, “Birds, A New Group of Medicine,” Spectrum of Homeopathy, Nr 1/2011.

10

Shore, Jonathan, Judy Shriebman and Anneke Hogeland. “Birds – Homeopathic Remedies from the Avian Realm,” Berkeley: Homeopathy West, 2004. Characteristic Northwestern Crow Themes Non-Conformists: Loquacious, Bold, Self-Assured, Irritable & Obstinate These are people who are not afraid to speak their mind. They can be loud, pushy, and opinionated. Not a pushover. Crow people can get angry and irritated, especially if you try to tell them what to do. A non-conformist. Crow makes their own rules and won’t follow anybody else’s. They can also seek out the spotlight and be demanding for attention. This remedy can have an affinity for artists, actors, musicians, and performers, creative types who blaze a trail. Poverty Consciousness: Greed for Food & Material Possessions These people are hoarders. They like to have money, food, and material possessions. This state may have been caused by an incident in the past when they really were poor and had nothing. This person may actually be poor and like to hoard things (e.g. the homeless man pushing a shopping cart filled with stuff) or this person could be very rich and have delusions of poverty. Not a true fastidiousness, but their possessions are important to them, and they value and take care of them. Impatient, Hurried & Rushed: I Want it Now There is a fast paced feel to this remedy. Somebody needing this remedy has the ability to do many things at once very fast. They want what they want and they want it now. There was also loquaciousness, with fast talking. Stealing, Trickery & Manipulation This theme came up often in the dreams and during conversation during the trituration. Crows are quite intelligent, so they can often outsmart other creatures. They also have to be on guard lest they be outsmarted (in one First Nations tale, raven tricks crow). Abused/Looked Down Upon/Outcast but on “High Horse” Crow is a somewhat misunderstood creature, many cultures fear crow or see it as a bad omen. There could be a past history of abuse or being set apart from the group. Yet crow does have an inner feeling of confidence and worthiness, they know that they are just misunderstood. Crow is a symbol of death and of the dark – something to be embraced and accepted rather than feared. Crow doesn’t mind “pointing the finger” at others. They can have a “holier than thou” attitude, sit on their “high horse,” and share their enlightened perspective and insights on life with others. Death of Loved Ones, Grief, Praying & Salvation Crow is a symbol of death, so it’s not surprising that it was a theme in the dreams and conversation during the proving. There was also a deep sense of grief connected to the loss of loved ones. Because birds are often spiritual or religious, they may also have the desire to pray and the need for salvation. Inflammation: Skin, Joints, Mucus Membranes & Temper Skin complaints are red, puffy and swollen. Allergic conditions such as hayfever with sneezing and swollen eyes. Inflammation of the joints (e.g. arthritis). Tends to have a short fuse: inflammatory temper. Insects/Formication/Feeling Dirty

11

There was a sensation of formication or crawling on the skin. Insects in general were a theme, in dreams, and people saw what looked like specs of insects in the mortar. Also the water containing the remedy appeared dirty, which bothered the provers. Skin Complaints/Sensations This is a very prominent symptom in this remedy. Skin complaints have a special affinity for the scalp, especially the hairline. It could be a good remedy for dandruff, eczema or psoriasis. There is much itching and a sensation of dryness. Also what is characteristic is a feeling of formication on the skin, also described as a feeling as if the hairs are standing on end. This person could have a vulnerability to lice. Skin eruptions could also be on other parts of the body, with an affinity for the joints. This could also be a good remedy for itching eruptions on the genitals. The itching eruptions look like little red raised bumps. Skin eruptions/sensations could also feel warm and/or burning. This could also be a good remedy for acne and oily skin. Arthritic Pains: Joint Pain Accompanied by Inflammation and Swelling This is somewhat common to all bird remedies. For this remedy, the pains have a special affinity for the joints and were accompanied with inflammation and swelling. Could be a good remedy for various types of arthritis (e.g. rheumatoid or psoriatic). This person could also be susceptible to joint injuries or never well since a joint injury. Insomnia & Fatigue Somewhat common to all bird remedies but very pronounced in the proving. Think of this remedy in patients who need a bird remedy with a main complaint of insomnia. The insomnia is characterized by frequent waking and/or waking too early. Waking from sleep unfreshed no matter how much one slept the night before, with bags under the eyes. Could also be a good remedy for chronic fatigue syndrome or a an acute remedy for the flu with a lot of fatigue. Burping, Flatulence, Heartburn, Constipation & Hemorrhoids Lots of gas and bloating in this remedy, accompanied by burping, flatulence and heartburn/regurgitation. Could be accompanied by constipation and hemorrhoids. Digestive symptoms similar to Lycopodium. Dreams/Imagery Owls Threatened/Attacked/Being in Danger The Colour Black/Darkness/Night Bicycles Shellfish Other Physicals/Mentals Breaking Nails and Peeling Cuticles Mouth Sores Vivid Dreams SRP Power Outages

12

Remedy Nucleus

Loquacious, Bold, Self-Assured & Obstinate

Poverty Consciousness: Likes to Hoard, Never Enough

Inflammation of the Skin, Joints, Mucus Membranes

Itching Eruptions, especially the Scalp, with Formication (Psoric Miasm)

Insomnia & Fatigue; Burping & Flatulence

Trituration Proving Notes and Journal

Prover #2’s Journal

January 15, 2012

Collecting nests Dream: looking out a window facing a back yard garden and notice a large colourful snake moving under some black landscaping fabric. Glimpses of stripes yellow, cream colours. It is heading under the compost heap where three owls are scratching at the surface. They are large and fluffed up. One is a classic flat faced and the other two are unusual with crazy face plumage. When they notice me they all turn to stare. Ominous. Eczema on right hand flared and itching last night for first time in a long while. < warmth of bed. Low back very sore in morning Old arm injury right side tendon around elbow joint very painful, inflamed, < lifting January 17 Neck and upper back are stiff and sore (keep stretching them out by bending my head forward). Last night my right shoulder was painful. Felt like there was something under the scapula. Tonight it’s both sides, upper back into shoulders and neck. Pulling, drawing pain, < leaning head back. Burning irritation on top of right shoulder. I keep touching that area. January 18 Dreamed about a sewing machine and a smart phone. One right after the other. Woke up with some sensation in my upper right neck area – feels like a cut or burn there – stinging irritating Tension in upper shoulders both sides p.m. – muscles in back of neck feel tight, painful and when I try to stretch I feel pulling pain and hear crunching. Radiates from top of shoulders up into neck. January 19 Crow leaving K flying alongside the bus and over across the field to land in the Winners parking lot….then crow coming into Vancouver flying alongside the bus and swooping up, up On the bus I notice some pain in the coccyx – sharp It’s 9:45pm now and I still feel some tenderness in that area – dull ache < coughing, sitting, jar Started coughing a bit on the bus – a return of that dry cough from tickle in the throat > drinking

13

January 20 Woke up with night sweats – chest area between and under breasts January 21 Woke in middle of night with intestinal pain – like a wave – bit of nausea – kind of pressing or pushing pain Dreamed of my brother and father getting into an argument with clerk in a store. Escalated to pushing, shoving and I ended up jumping in to protect them. End up standing as he hangs onto something. It’s like he’s suspended himself and I’m standing on him kind of hopping up and down and trying to get him to let go. Woke up to sound of crows outside my window. Pain in upper shoulder and radiated into neck – want to stretch. January 23 Noticed a lot of twitching around my left eye yesterday. I’ve had it before but not quite so active. Also had more pain in the coccyx. Started in the early evening and was much more from sitting for too long. Really restless during the movie with a lot of shifting in my seat. At dinner last night I noticed that I had a sculpture of a crow wearing a hat. January 25 Out to dinner tonight and hanging above our table was a painting of two crows. January 27 Dream a team of people trying to kidnap, con or pull some scam on me. Yesterday had some aching in pelvic area. Heaviness < walking. Felt like it was in the bones. I noticed this before fleetingly and disregarded it but yesterday it was too noticeable not to mention. Pain in pelvic area increased throughout the day < walking the sea wall, < sitting. Very stiff getting up w/low back pain. Sharp but > moving around. Pelvic pain is kind of aching < right on public bone. Pinching in left ovary < morning January 28 Felt like I was talking a lot last night. Very fast. Felt my throat catch a few times. Mind moving very quickly and hyper alert. Watched the crows fly over J’s in their nightly pass. The trees across the street are filled with them. Photographing bird droppings on sea wall.

Prover #3’s Journal

January 18, 2012

Spoke with Sonya yesterday and registered for crow trituration. Looking out the windows. Noticing the

sky, weather pattern shifts, watching.

14

January 19

Had visceral dream, remembering early this a.m. Saw as if it was the moment – BW, teenage woman age

approx. 16, 17 at a party at her house. Parents away. In a bedroom laying on the bed – blurry, make-up

raccoon eyes, drunken as teenage guys “took turns,” – especially vivid – the look in her eyes. Eyes open

yet not present.

January 23

Last night at party I was walking with my full bowl at dinner into dining area and the bowl just DROPPED.

Crashed to the ground, smashed into a million pieces. Then a little later, accidentally walk into bamboo

pole that falls on table and knocks wine all over table and girlfriend’s leg. Then trip on some piece of

bamboo that was removed from room after 1st smash into bamboo. Then spill wine on D’s table too.

Dream of last night. In small bamboo boat, like when they cook tamales in water, semi-tropical. Loch-

ness type sea creature comes out of water and almost knocks me and the boat flying.

2nd half dream. I’m in a building, a house that’s very old and am going to sleep in a corner of the attic.

There’s moss and the house is/has been reclaimed by nature. The floor is so old, I step with slight

trepidation. Lay down and the floor beneath me collapses downward It’s a slow fall and I don’t feel

afraid of breaking bones or getting injured.

January 27

Thoughts on the week. Physical – nausea – a light nausea, not always there. Perched perspective –

critical distance. Looking down on things. Above, surveying. Not so much action, more like analyzing.

State of perspective. Putting things in perspective. Visually, geographically.

Unusual eating habits?

January 28

Leaving the roost. Flying the coop. Leaving the nest – thoughts from Friday. Fitful restless sleeps –

Thursday, Friday night. In retrospect, slight nausea in the morning. Seeing many crows as art objects

(outdoor) in my neighbourhood, Strathcona. Just now at Main and Hastings waiting for the bus, seeing a

small flock of hooded black people “doing a deal”. The hoods of the DTES. Detachment.

Prover #4’s Journal

Aware of the group, but not as tormented by it Not being appreciated a big theme, but at homeo weekend, that got shot down I also didn't mention this...but just after talking with #2 about joining the proving, and the night after I

wrote to Sonya saying that I’d be joining it...I had a terrible dream about losing my son...who has had his

issues with DTES sort of sagas...drugs, alcohol, crazy girlfriends, etc. I wasn't able to ever go there again,

it was so awful...but it must be a part of the trituration, and wanted to add it to my notes...but was

15

superstitious about repeating it or revisiting it in any way. That's all I want to say about it, cause I am

afraid it will return to haunt me...yikes!

Sonya’s Journal

January 11, 2012

U (husband) dream: First Nations dream – working with activist group at Langara. We were trying to

make more connections with First Nations to build ties and keep our cultures alive, to talk about our

experiences of poverty. Holding a rally on the North Shore or West Van, the kids were there, trying to

get the kids to do traditional dances. We wanted to claim some of the space back. We were also

feasting, somebody brought and cooked the food.

January 12

A couple nights ago I was making my way to a homeopathic meeting and got lost on the way to the

house. Instead I found myself in front of the River of Crows Mural near Commercial Drive (?!). As I

walked beside the mural admiring its beauty I could sense the power of this remedy.

Today it was sunny outside so I went on a walk around the neighborhood to try to gather the crow

feather, unsuccessfully. I observed many crows, seagulls, as well as ducks near the pond at QE Park, but

no crow feathers. When I was able to be near the crows and tune into their energy I could feel a dull

intense pain at the very top of my head on the right side.

My daughter Sahara has been getting a lot of itching lately, worse at night, all over her body (sometimes

with redness). And in the past few days, itching on her scalp. She suggested to me that it was the

influence of the proving.

January 16

The last few days been having a tingling sensation, like all my hairs are standing on end, in various parts

of my body. Yesterday this tingling sensation was concentrated in the area of the crown of my head. I

was also getting headache-like pains in my head. I was also itching my scalp periodically.

A couple nights ago had a dream that I was with U and children, we were lost somewhere like a maze

and trying to find our way out, and U was moving slowly and time was running out, it was starting to get

dark and I was feeling very angry and annoyed at him, and started to yell at him.

U has also felt this crawling/tingling sensation in his body, for example, in his leg.

January 19

Last couple nights U has had some insomnia along with intense itching and welts all over his body.

The tingling/hair standing on end sensation continues with me, sometimes extending from my crown to

my forehead as well, accompanied by a dry sensation on the forehead.

16

I feel like this remedy has insomnia or sleep issues in it. For the last week or two I have woken in the

middle of the night for no particular reason, much, much too early. Sometimes I have woken several

times per night, or had trouble getting to sleep, but there was always waking no matter how easy it’s

been for me to get to sleep, what time I get to sleep, etc. Waking and being quite awake and being

convinced it’s morning when it’s not even remotely time to wake up (e.g. 2am or 4am). Not sure if

there’s a time modality with the waking, will have to pay attention to that.

U and I have also noticed we’ve been grouchier and more inclined to fight but it’s safe to say this type of

symptom happens with all animal remedies. I would say this remedy tends more towards anger than

any other emotion, although for the most part I’ve been quite happy and upbeat.

January 21

A note I took a couple days ago: U had a sensation as if a needle through his urethra. Recently got a

crotch injury, ball hit him in the testicles. Has also experienced a tingling sensation in the crotch area.

Little sleep recently, so lower libido, but previous to that, more libido.

I noticed today that even though I’d had a lot of sleep last night, still woke up tired, and woke once

during the night as usual the last little while.

Dream last night about my friend’s ex, he phoned me last night pretending to be somebody else (hiding

his identity) and the call display said it was a call from CHICAGO. I recognized his voice and once I figured

it out had the feeling that I was in danger.

January 22

I am starting to notice a theme with the media I am consuming. First off, we just finished watching the

Twin Peaks TV Series and movie. It had much owl imagery. Also, the themes of black/white, good/evil

were very strong (many dualities). And the theme of the supernatural played a big part, as well as First

Nations legend about the “black lodge” (place of evil) and the “white lodge” (place of good). There are

spirits in this show, both good and evil. And of course there is the character BOB who likes to possess

people and kill them…..My teeth are really starting to hurt as I type this.

Then, this weekend, we watched the Underworld series again in preparation to see the 4th installment,

which is out in theatres. Lots of evil and ugliness in this show, it’s about vampires and werewolves (also

a supernatural topic). In Underworld Evolution they show crows flying before the head vampire

descends, so crows seem to be an omen of evil or the supernatural in this movie. Ouch, my teeth!

Then, there is the book that I bought at the beginning of this month called A Discovery of Witches. Lots

about the supernatural in there – the main character is a witch, she is in love with a vampire, and

demons also exist in this world. Ow, the bottom teeth are the worst.

Many Chinese New Year celebrations next weekend: The Year of the Dragon. Any significance to this

proving?

17

January 23

Noticed a couple different sensations from the remedy. First, a warm, almost burning sensation, on the

left side of my buttocks/upper thigh. Then the same warming burning sensation on the left side of my

head. And now, like my head is being squeezed in a vice from both sides.

January 24

U sprained his ankle yesterday during soccer, he has a lot of swelling and pain, can hardly walk. 5 broke

her wrist, a cyclist ran into her, she’s also got a lot of swelling and they are both taking Arnica right now.

I recently wrote an article “Homeopathy for Injuries.” That was followed by orders for homeopathic first

aid remedies (those types of orders are usually few and far between. There seems to be an injury/first

aid theme to this remedy, especially to the small joints (wrist and ankle).

My face is really dry today, usually it’s on the oily side. Also acne seems better.

January 25

Everyone in the household has noticed itching at the back of their neck, near the hairline. Also

welts/large bumps after scratching.

There’s an energy of “flightiness” to this remedy/proving. Some people are not sure whether they want

to commit or not to the proving. They waffle back and forth, are not sure, and take forever to let me

know one way or another. Also I’ve been meaning to get another mortar and pestle but keep putting it

off and am unsure whether I should commit to getting another one or not (it’s tied to the uncertainty of

numbers as well). On a side note, my mom’s friend is in town and she has been meaning to leave for

ages, but something keeps preventing her from leaving so she keeps pushing back her departure date.

My dad’s flight was delayed twice as well as my other parents’ friends’ flight.

January 26

Both U and 5 are still having quite a bit of swelling with their injuries and continue to take lots of Arnica.

January 27

The idea of the dead or missing father seems important in this remedy. Will talk to my mom later about

this, maybe tonight (the crow feather she found that I will be using for the proving, she said reminded

her about her dead father).

Cuticles peeling off lately baring raw skin and it’s quite painful. Skin around nail is getting dry and

peeling. Aysha is getting similar symptom of peeling cuticles. Also nails have been breaking more than

usual.

Right leg joint (at the hip/pelvis) has been feeling stiff and sore the last few days.

18

Mom said over the phone: I would pick up a feather, reminds me of father who died. A period where I

picked up feathers and thought of him. Certain kinds of feathers.

U’s crotch area was itching a lot this morning in bed. The itching on my scalp continues, sometimes it

feels like fleas or mites. There are bumps on my skull, especially the back hairline. Some of the bumps

are like acne and some are bleeding from the itching.

January 28

Last night I had a dream of Murray (old homeopathy teacher) who had just announced he was retiring

and for some reason he was also playing a guitar with some other teacher.

U: Exploding pain, throbbing pain, like someone is punching my dick (very painful).

Watched movie “The Birds” – in the movie, man (drunk) said that birds attacking was a biblical sign of

the end of the world.

Ezekiel 39:4 - You shall fall on the mountains of Israel, you and all your hordes and the peoples who are

with you. I will give you to birds of prey of every sort and to the beasts of the field to be devoured. (This

was always reckoned a very sore judgment and dreadful calamity, not to have a burial, but to be

exposed to birds and beasts of prey; this was threatened to the Israelites, in case of disobedience to the

law of God)

Northwestern Crow Trituration Notes: January 28 (C1-C3)

C1 Level: Prover #2

Twitching around right eye and sensation of tingling on head almost itchy feeling, vibrating Heaviness around right brow Top of left shoulder – aching Tingling sides of head – almost electrical – vibrating Lots of twitching around my eye Some tension in right jaw articulation radiating into back lower teeth – feels like there’s a sore there and my tongue keeps going there Tip of my tongue also feels sore Tension in right side of neck Want to tilt my head to the side, left side – feels loose

C1 Level: Prover #3

Air, atmosphere, outsiders, a fluctuating fixture in the landscape, commonality, wave patterns,

observing, analyzing. Moving my head like a crow, back and forth. Head itch at top of the head and

right-top-back. Thursday eve – eating so much. Two plates of dinner and two plates of dessert. Feeling

so full. Not eating a lot in the day – due to nausea but snack attacking at night. Observing the

artists/musicians Thursday eve – a night of many different performances. Sense of hope, discovery,

emotion. The flamenco dancer – dressed in black, stomping her feet, twirling, whirling – passion, pride.

19

Look at me. Command (demand) the audience’s attention. Diva. The joker guy – unofficial performer.

Playing with the audience on the floor, with the people – not on stage. Playing the clown while other

people were on stage. Being asked two times by the manager to stop. Observing the comedian guy. He

could not stop if he knew he had the attention of a few people. Like a compulsion. Attention. Pride. Bird

on the wire.

Jaw tension. Clenching. C telling me last night about 2 of her “clients” flying the coop; psych patients – a

man and a woman. The woman with alcohol abuse issues, the man with lesions on his brain due to

smoking heroin on aluminum foil.

C1 Level: Sonya’s Notes

Me: Itching buzzing head. Lightness & flying. 4: had some itching along the back hairline 2: Yesterday had all this intense pelvic pain, intense then it was gone. Also this incredible pinching in my left ovary, like someone was squeezing it. Talking about classmates, always changing couldn’t stick with one thing 3: knocked over a whole bunch of food/wine at a party last night 4: We used to have one crow, took the lid off the garbage can, we would do tricky things to him. I cycled today in the snow, crazy crow was there, out there too 2: Twitching eyes, felt like there was all this movement around my eyes 4: Getting head itching. 3: Today standing waiting for the bus, 4 people in black hoods around me, reminded me of crows. The black hood is the uniform of the DTES neighborhood. 4: Saw a movie last night, “Vincere,” lover that went insane, betrayal and obsession, in an institution with nuns, they reminded me of crows, they were all black except a white band, and also the men who were fascists wore black trench coats and black suits and ties. Mussolini was very dark, and as he got older big black rings around his eyes. Everyone: starving lately. 3: Hungry but nauseous at the same time. 4: eaten more since Italy, since home and looked and saw I had big buttocks, gained all this weight. S: They seem related to seagulls, eat a lot, see them together, they can bicker and fight too. They are scavengers, around garbage. 4: Seagulls in Finding Nemo “Mine mine” In that movie, tropical fish, with Alzheimers 3: I’ve been cackling. 2: I’ve been talking a lot and choking, hysteria 4: My friend J is a chatterbox, talks so fast, trying to make my brain hurry. Every moment looking at something, very occupied. My brain was tired in England, always having her thoughts, no time to daydream, and I like my own private thoughts, it was invasive. J said was it like me, do I do that? Yeah you do. S: I have a friend like that. 2: They’re not interested in having the conversation, it’s just a wall. If I interrupt my friend, it will be a minute before they stop. 4: I’m a chatterbox, verbal diarrhea, especially with people I don’t know, me and J know each other, don’t want to be trapped in a car with her, holy crow, she pecks you. Keeps demanding attention! I can say stop it when I’m driving. Bought some socks used, did dad die and had a drawer full of socks

20

In Salt Spring, people would pull up, an aunt had died and they would give away all of their stuff, everything, china and photo albums, they made money for local charities. Someone dies and comes across the country….. 4: my friend wants to set up a business called “purge”. It’s a slab house, throwaway bits after they mill the logs, it’s got half an acre, all around her are multimillion dollar houses, they all have these sheds, they keep buying this stuff, they need sheds to put their stuff in, and they don’t want to go through the stuff. They want to hire her. Every year they get swing sets and BBQ’s, people don’t want to store them for the winter. Now the tide has turned and you will see the extreme. In the States people are going back to the victory gardens. I’ve been to the South and they’re much poorer down there. S: Economic situation? 4: Yes and how people respond to that, they really get on board. Canadians are like whatever, you have a hard time, it’s like herding cats. But Americans are like yeah, they buy in. You’d call them early adapters. S: Americans keeping more stuff? I’d think they’d react by being more thrifty. The boom was extravagant, and now the bust is bigger, people have been so poor and people are responding. 3: I was just in the US, in Seattle. I don’t see people suffering, I see people thriving. The restaurants are filled, the people are shopping S: There’s a lot of consumerism 3: Yeah, where’s the recession? 4: Boeing and Microsoft are not hurting. They are booming. One of the few places in US where real estate hasn’t dropped, and San Fran and New York. Even Portland, it’s just plummeted. It’s like Canada, how much is credit and how much is wealth. 2: You go into a coffee shop here, $5 for coffee, it’s packed, its’ busy, people don’t think twice about the price, wouldn’t blink an eye. 4: Went by the liquor store yesterday, the place was just jammed with people, wouldn’t you just love to have 1% of the take of this store, everyone was buying up a storm. Saw my son, one of the only times he wasn’t bugging me for money. His daughter had made a salad, used the special vinegar, tasted like candy, what kind did you use, you were out of the other stuff, the mid-range stuff, and he said for a minute I thought she’d used the good stuff, had bought this expensive stuff from Europe. People buy that in brandy and cognac. 2: People are spending money like crazy. 4: I sure am, 12 pairs of stuff for $15. 2: Woman walking on the seawall reading a book, pencil legs, bird legs, wearing all black. 3: I’ve seen pencil legged women. 2: Almost painful to look at her legs, didn’t look happy, in her own world. 4: Tormented. 3: How can you read and walk at the same time. People texting and walking – they are bumping into people. Me: There’s a theme of greed and eating a lot. Then the opposite, not having enough. Scarcity. 2: Woman I saw in bathroom, anorexic, nothing on her legs, like bird legs. Black jeans. 2: I was taking pictures of bird droppings. Unusual, really bizarre. 4: I am very clumsy, but riding the bike in the snow, the bike was doing it, keeping me upright. 4: Crow getting my lid off, he would get the lid off and pick up a bag of stuff, trying to take on too much, they will take on everything, getting up with a bunch of stuff. 3: Crows and art, went to this event with multiple performers, something about the artist and the crow, look at me, I am commanding your attention. One person, a woman who was a flamenco dancer dressed in black, arm stuff looked like wings, she was like I command you to watch me, with so much passion,

21

demanding thing. Other wild thing: guy came into room with scarf wrapped around his head, clowning stuff, goofy and making people laugh, he’s doing it at the same time, he’s not aware, the clown. The performers were choked, how dare you not pay attention, the clown sat down – he had a compulsion that if they were watching, he was on. Owner had to ask them twice to stop. They want the attention. 2: Crows go caw caw and push their head out, when I was talking it was so fast that I was choking, so excited, choking it out. S: Male violence, the father, dead fathers (is it a theme?). 5 broke her wrist, cyclist ran into her. 4: M offered the car, didn’t want to borrow the car, didn’t want to ask anybody for anything, not taking the car. I’m taking my bike, not the scooter, wouldn’t listen to friend. And I really wanted to, but why did I want to do this? S: Stubbornness. 2: I’ve been talking about stubbornness all week. S: Watching the birds fight – fighting is a theme. And anger. 4: There was this crow that bashed into a window and plopped down dead, then this funeral procession of crows started to happen, really amazing to see. Looking at him with the beaks staring at him. Dark energy to the remedy. Crows flying together, there is a sense of wonder but oooh. I remember driving down the street with the car, and the streets were covered with crows. 2: They take a rest stop in Trout Lake, the trees fill with them. With my friend, it was like they were flying into her window. 4: Today saw them all on the ground. 4: Interesting that nobody eats crows. “4 and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie” We should ask them where they are going when they go to Burnaby. 3: Unconventional. They are together but…they remind me of musicians. 4: Don’t follow the rules? 3: Create their own rules, not conformist 2: Interesting we say holy crow, my friend’s company is called that. 4: They are more unholy than holy. S: The underworld, movie the crow, guarding the spirit, going to the underworld or spirit world to bring him back to avenge his murder. 2: This morning showering, washing my breasts, then got this idea of a nest in a tree, - all the blood vessels in the breasts look like trees, culminate in lumps that look like a nest. Nest is like a breast. Then I thought of a placenta, it’s just like the roots of a tree. Female reproductive system, pelvic pain, cramps. I’ve been collecting all these nests around Xmas in my room, looking at them. They are woven together. People make their nests their home and feather it with stuff, material possessions. I was hiking when we found this nest, caught at the side of this mountain, couldn’t balance, put it in my hat, then in my head, all this stuff in my hair and head really itchy for days. 4: Part of me was saying I won’t be there (on time for the proving) at 9am I will be late. 4: Got the crow feathers, old man that lives up north, he loves killing crow, usually gruff but when I talked to him he was very sweet. I’m really good at killing pigeons. Crows, cockroaches and rat population increases as human population increases. They are all considered dirty, but they are also holy crows. 3: Trend of people getting crow tattoos, there is one tattoo artist that only does crows. 2: Crows – listen to what I have to say. 4: I’ve been attacked by crows. 2: And they have a memory. Crows were experimented on, and the scientists got attacked. Memory and recognition. S: Crow movie, he comes back from the dead and remembers his killers and kills all of them. Theme of revenge is big.

22

“Ted Talk” on crows. They make tools and he built this machine. They used a coin operated machine. 2 and 3: Tension in jaw, jaw pain. Tongue kept going back, tip of my tongue is sore, tension in right side of neck. 4: A lot of neck tension. 2: Neck felt heavy, fell to side, left sided. S: Like hairs standing on end. 2: That happens when you get scared 4: Punk rock music is like ants crawling all over your body. 2: Formication. 4: too close to fornication S: Lots of chattiness. 2: Yes cacophony. In Trout Lake you have to raise your voice, so loud. 3: I have some voices talking in my head but total detachment from it. Observing the weather and environment, paying attention to visual environment with detachment. Observing talkative people and feeling detached. 2: I had the weather channel on. 4: Yeah and thinking about how many degrees. 2: on seawall, around the pool, mussels on the ground, wow look at that, interested. 3: Analyzing with detachment. Perspective. Constantly analyzing and observing and having perspective and no attachment. S: Birds eye view? C2 Level: Prover #2 Right arm very sore (previous injury flared up probably) Teeth sore. Top/bottom. Right side. Is my throat sore? Hot, stingy. Right arm > stretching Right eyebrow itching and eye kind of like something in it Twitching in left upper eyelid C2 Level: Prover #3 Now I feel neck pain on the right side.

C2 Level: Sonya’s Notes (Taking notes on the conversation going on during the trituration) Talking about a friend who has brain cancer, on welfare. Quit drinking, in AA. I stay away from her. 2: People having trouble finding places to rent, rent is expensive, lots of dives S: We bought our house in 2000 2: I had an eruption at my hairline twice 4: I have one now, been bothering me for months 4: had a big flare-up of her asthma after she signed up for trituration. 2 had a flare-up of eczema and it went away, and cough flared up and went away. 4: I’ve been getting up at 3am. 3: I have been waking up every hour 2: I’ve had the loss of appetite. Indications of hunger, grumbling of stomach, but no desire to eat and I know my stomach is empty. Sometimes vision gets dim and nauseated when I skip breakfast, but very unconcerned about food but very concerned about what’s going on outside. I will find myself looking outside, get up from bed and open the windows and look out and see what’s happening. 4: Me too, looking out, opening windows. 2: Watching the clouds going by really fast, bizarre light. Feeling a burning sensation at the back of my neck 2: I like this Chamomile tea, I normally hate it. S: is it calming you? 2: Staring at the boxes, couldn’t make up my mind what tea to pick

23

4: Desire to go to Chinatown. 2: Got to go to San Yat Sen Gardens. We used to live there, all these memories of walking around there S: Lots of crow murals down there. Strathcona houses have crow art. Crow with paint brushes on a house. Crow with witches’ hat on it. 3: People flying the coop, psychiatric patients that left the place they were supposed to be People think psych patients are drunk. Eg heroin users. Like people with brain injury. Had two eruptions in mouth. Tip of tongue is bump DTES stuff. Not wanting to conform. Want to resist expectation, I want to do this. Resistance. 3: A lot of finger pointing, shaking finger at people. I don’t like people telling me what to do. I’m a garbage picker, I cycle up the alleys and pick up garbage. Somebody having this first, and also somebody not wanting it. Would rather buy used things. Stuff that people have already owned smells real. Garbage? 4: I like it but I’m fastidious about it. Going to a place with no garbage pick-up. It’s an issue for me, OCD about recycling. 2: I’m strict about recycling. I ask father not to throw orange peels into the garbage. Have to make an effort not to react to that. Lectured brother about not recycling, pointing my finger and lecturing S: We’ve been washing the kids’ hair a lot to try to stop the itching. 4: Something righteous about that. I’m OCD but wondering is it wasting water to wash the jars out. What’s more efficient? Was with this lady, very righteous, head of recycling community. She went on a tangent about people washing their things out. Our world is full of garbage yet people who recycle, it’s fastidious, but garbage is crazy. There’s no garbage limit in Richmond – they have giant garbage cans and throw everything away. Japan is fastidious with garbage but they have to pay for it, there’s an aesthetic to it. Recycled packaging, I write at least 2-3 letters a week to companies that have packaging that you can’t recycle, satisfying and had good response. 2: My arm is really sore, I’m just stretching it. I was just thinking of flying. In my ranting last night, someone asked me if I was doing artwork, was making a biplane, they are double winged, the shape of it, so odd. 2: The back of my mouth is starting to get sore. And my throat and teeth are sore 2 and 4: nails breaking 3: Yes to cuticles peeling 2 Burning r side of jaw radiating into ear, stinging pain Birds of paradise peck each others’ heads We place so much value on work, over the top, puritan work ethic, never believed in that, if you’re not busy what’s wrong with that. You’ve got to be productive. You can’t relax without being guilty. Ridiculous, life is rich. Mother’s been on welfare, hasn’t been able to find work. But when you worked at HBC bank, did you think you did good? Did the bank make you feel good? People used to say you’ve helped so many people you feel so good. No, the best thing I did was help my grandson’s basketball team. Even if it’s doing something good, you have to be doing something, cannot just be. The rat race. It’s the money thing, the skewed exchange of energy. I was working 7 days a week as an artist, people would say what are you doing, they would say did you get a job? When you’re an artist you get “you’re so lucky.” People say “I could’ve done that,” but you didn’t. People will ask “how long did it take you to make that.” They are trying to figure out the hourly wage, I make 29 cents an hour, I say “it took 17 years.” There’s a lot of fear of not doing, people alone with their thoughts. People are obsessively doing. We were at the gardens, guy with cell phone to his ear, I’m thinking is he trying to posture, “I’ve got so much going on,” or checking his messages. I’m sure they are doing that and not listening and it’s a pacifier. It’s a way to

24

show people you are connected to someone, “I’m not alone, I’m connected.” Why answer your cell phone on the bus or answering the phone while at the table with someone. What I find the most annoying, you are talking to someone and they say my other line is ringing. I say I will call them back and won’t call them back to be mean. You’re getting revenge. That’s not right. 2: My right arm is very sore. Right sided stuff, right eye and right jaw. I start to cough. Pointing the finger. The crow was the saviour in the movie. Is there Christian symbolism with the crow? The crow has the morality, and knows the difference between right and wrong, and judges. If you make a faux pas and admit to it you eat crow. They are vultures. I often see them sitting on crosses. They like the high point. They make judgements. On their high horse. Conversation at lunch: people who were staying in 4’s house, she started to get territorial and didn’t want people going into her room, they would get nail polish on the duvet, etc. 2: It’s good to have boundaries. Dirty/clean theme. I pulled my accordion out, realized someone’s touched my accordion. M put her cat food in my nice bowls from Japan. It’s good to take care of things. Material stuff/things. That aspect of show, something about the appearance. Europeans have stuff for generations. If I give something to my kids I have to let go of it. If my kids don’t want it, I ask them to give it back. My mom keeps everything, my old My Little Ponies etc. There’s an aspect of hoarding in everyone. Crows will try to take a bag of garbage. 5: Dreamt I went to an event, wearing a nice coat that was expensive, then someone stole it, coat disappeared and I was really upset about it. Crows steal. And they like shiny things. They like other birds’ eggs, will take them. They violate so many of my moral attitudes, yet come on the street when they’ve had a baby….bike down the street where a baby crow has been hatched and they attack you….They come quickly and they are scratching on my bike helmet Lately seeing a lot of loner crows. Could see the odd crow but never in groups. 2: I have an old repetitive stress injury in right arm and it’s really flared up and it’s better stretching it out. The pain can be sharp or very achy, like tendonitis, deep aching pain. Also some stinging pains too. Arm pain worse movement, and worse at night, been waking me at night, Also if I happen to sleep on it, then I lose sensation in it. 3: When I was in DTES I wore a hat, a lot of people there have a hoodie or hat, I wore the hat because it was kind of anonymous but also I could blend in. It’s like a beak. 2: Interesting synchronicity, turned on TV one night, British talk show, Jennifer Hudson and KD Lang, she was talking to the host about being a crow, being drunk and telling Angelica Huston and saying I’m a crow too. She wants to be seen but wants to not be seen, very private and really stubborn. I’ve seen her at a restaurant where the waiter changed 10 times, so invasive, people will make idiots of themselves. Goldie Hawn came to Salt Spring, she was mobbed by the vendors. Just leave her alone! When I saw D, she freaked, like a bird that didn’t want to be caught. I would wear dark sunglasses, wanted to disappear, didn’t want anyone to notice at all. I caught a bird at the corner of my eye and could tell he knew I was watching him. If someone is really looking at you, you can tell. Crows are collective, but on the other hand are individual. They don’t mate for life.

25

A crow got hit on the street in front of our house, they were screaming at each other and there were a million of them, hopping down and looking at it, they were yelling, like they were keening. Heard some crows in backyard screaming. The cat was creeping up to get the dead bird. Our cat was fearless. I got him out of there and the bird got away. They cooperate. Catch up on the gossip. I think of them as tricky. My black umbrella today, all the ribs broke C3 Level: #2’s Notes Very tired. Kind of like I want to sneeze and just coughed a bit. Stinging eyes. Very tired eyes. Aching in left shoulder around the blade and tension in neck. Feels tight and heavy head. Kind of tickling in nostrils, I sneeze C3 Level: #3’s Notes Headache and slightly stuffed nose. Feel fatigue.

Just remembered that I always used to do art – drawing with a feather as the drawing implement

(utensil). Dip the feather into black ink.

C3 Level: Sonya’s Notes 5: People were saying I’m working too hard that’s why I broke my arm When you break your arm it’s a broken wing Transcendence from a realm is associated with wings Broken arm means no freedom to move Heard birds can fake broken wings 2: sleeping like a baby 4 and 5: having cramping of muscles 2: pain in coccyx, sharp, pelvic stuff 5: Do birds’ joints ache? Tiny dwarf bunny that was vicious. Mini pony, horrible, kept bucking. How do the birds communicate so quickly? What are they communicating? My ears are starting to hurt (left) sharp pricking pain Kitten and the crow – crow feeding the kitten. Piglets and puppies together, with the puppy mother. Crow with a top hat on with a cigar in his mouth. Crow that helps the elephant in Dumbo. “Spy vs. Spy,” one of the birds is a crow. Trying to outsmart each other. 2: Dream of little people trying to outsmart me, manipulate me into going out that door. Friendly and social. Community. Lightness. Inclusion. Yet also individual. They are all talking at once so loud. Gossiping about each other. Heckle means get a rise out of someone and Jeckle is two sides like Hyde. “Heckle and Jeckle.” 3: Pain in my neck since we started doing this round, definite pain. 4: Neck pain and stiffness all week. Headache till we had lunch. 2: I had a headache, coming from my shoulders like my wings will burst out. Perseverance, they don’t give up. Will make tools to get what they need. 3: you have a sneaky smile Humour

26

Funny feeling, like pre earthquake Electric vibration around my head 4: Got into car accident, fractured my hand, leave hospital, both arms broken, went home. Elbow hit the windshield and lost feeling in my arm for 6 months. What do people do if they injure themselves when they are alone? Woman who fell and broke her femur, they didn’t set it properly, she was by herself. Absent family, never saw them. Dark side of community, neglect, esp of elders. Elders choose it, they’ve lived enough, Eskimos abandon their elderly. Ready for the great landing pad. Speed and pace. We were in London recently, normally think of myself as a fast walker. Homeopathy is slow, everything about it is slow, not about instant results. People are in a hurry. If others pace doesn’t match we judge it. The pace has increased. Walking along with my friend, and he will stop and make me stop, look at me like he has something important to say, I need you to stop and look at me and give me your undivided attention, a power thing, people who walk a lot faster than you, I always slow right down. That’s just their pace. Manipulation thing going on there. Girl needed a lot of attention, really unstable, was hiking with her, she would stop and fiddle with her baby or do whatever, asked her to pick up her pace otherwise it will be dark before we got back, and she said his collar is too tight, and I said I’ll meet you at the car, I couldn’t do it. I want you to stop and look at me and I will take up your attention, ego thing. Crows will be together but have their limits on what they’ll tolerate. Outside my place, crow standing on sidewalk, woman with a dog, crow wouldn’t move, the crow had a growth on its eye and not moving, I picked it up, didn’t want to leave, realized it was so vulnerable to be alone. There’s eye stuff (4 and 2). Stinging in eyes, and a stye. It had a growth on its eye and beak. Now stiffness of shoulder and neck on left side. 3: Realized I have a headache, right at the top of my head. And my nose is stuffed up 4: mine was really stuffed up this morning. Aysha (my daughter): Last night mine was stuffed. *power goes off* Start talking about 5’s father dying, very sudden January 29, 2012: Pre Trituration Notes/Discussion Prover #2: Discussion Violent coughing fit this morning – uncontrollable Eyesight blurry last night. Squinting. < dark Scalp feels very dry and itchy, also forehead Itching, tingling in nostrils Prover #3: Discussion Thinking of friends, family, relations, relatives.

I felt a sense of grief shortly after, which I thought was because 4 had told me an old friend had brain

cancer. Now I feel that the grief may be crow’s grief. Something bigger than names and lifetimes.

27

When I got home yesterday I had a huge pus filled pimple. Thinking about all the young aboriginal

mothers I’ve observed in east Vancouver at different agencies. Aboriginal women are very fertile. White

women seem less. Fertility clinics, adoptions, international adoptions. Attachment issues with aboriginal

parent/child relationships. Is it attachment? Or because we look through white eyes? Poverty and

geographical location in Vancouver. Homes. Birds. Family. Lineage. Smoking cigarettes. Can’t remember

when 2 first told me about the trituration, I was interested but unsure. I had been thinking in the late fall

about the Reclaiming witch community and how the focus was often on gods and goddesses which I

don’t’ have much affinity or draw to. I would have to get books to know. I recognized my strong, life long

draw to nature. Animals, plants, bugs, fishes, earth, and thought to myself I am naturally drawn to

shamanism. Then I was thinking, I’d like to find a mentor, teacher. Shortly before calling Sonya about

wanting to participate I realized – the crow is a teacher.

Burden. Carrying a load.

Sonya: Discussion Dreams? 2: Coughing fit this morning 4: Have this bump around my mouth, is it a cold sore? 3 and 2 got a pimple around the nose 3: dream of girl w/alcohol problem, age 16, her eyes were ringed with black makeup and she was on the bed and guys were taking turns, she was in some other world like she was not there. Me: Twin Peaks “Fire Walk with Me” – Laura Palmer 3: We were in the car and she said “Get out of here” and was going to go with this stranger. 4: Idea of madness. You will see a crazy person, then image of birds flapping their wings, sanity is leaving. Being manipulated or manipulating others. When someone is crazy, they will self reference, only think of themselves and taking care of themselves. Girl that came over last night, she was asking just for greens, I had made a beet salad, she was manipulating, she said there was too much sugar. I was feeling ungenerous. My daughter came over and she had all these issues, ungenerous. 3: I felt like that too, I was so tired, wanted to take care of myself. 4: Daughter talking about this girl, I can’t be around her, couldn’t be around my daughter, so needy. Manipulation. Talking about finances, has a band, has visa card, fronting money for this tour in Europe, told her you can’t do that, she’s withdrawing money, manipulated, she takes a taxi cab home, you just ran up your visa 30,000 dollars! S: Modality worse poverty, never well poverty (is that part of the remedy?) 4: I was getting my hair cut, this woman who needed care, DTES people who are pretty much brain dead zombies, have no money, this woman has money who is flying to Mexico, has a nice life and gets washed every day. Poverty, it’s not good to be poor. Got a job offer: they wanted to pay me the same as I made 25 years ago. Wages have not gone up. Rent sure has. Food! Cost has gone up double and triple. Driving the food prices. 2: They’re thinking, let’s just see how much they’ll pay. Gas price has gone up a lot. Let’s just raise it a little bit more. We will have a little mini protest then fall back. If cucumber is $5 people will pay. Packed full of people, paying 4 bucks for a cup of coffee. Starbucks is so popular! Rhizome is empty and Starbucks is packed. What does it say about people in Vancouver? At Rhizome, you can have soup and bread for free if you are in need, and it’s artist friendly. Saw some great performances at La Quena.

28

People used to come out and give away everything, people lined up, they were taking food to the dumpsters. If you got too much, we would trade, give some if you have extra. Watching them this morning, there was a group of them, not fighting like seagulls, would move to the side. Not the competition. But they take a lot at once, but can take turns. 2: This Bower bird makes this incredible nest for the female, showy, collect things, love blue, from Australia, collect anything colourful or shiny, want to lead the female into the mating house where she will nest with the eggs, create this alter, different shapes. Walking down the Drive today, homeless guy that has taken this stuff out of his cart, spread it around, display, he was sleeping on top of it, all displayed out there, he was just white and skinny, older man, incredible collection of stuff. Looks like bags of garbage. Crows nests are really high, well away from people. Intelligent birds, smart. 3: A lot of men and women take on Raven as a name but not Crow. Crow is like the poorer cousin. Crows like to hang out, they don’t hide away. Eastern Europe: don’t look or think about them, like the poor cousins of Europe. Don’t even count them, just ignore them. Aboriginal teenagers. In East Vancouver, teen pregnancy explosion among native young women 12-16 years old. So many having kids recently in the current moment. Statistical explosion now. 2: I went out for dinner last night, woman wearing this shiny silver necklace and all these giant rings on, very distracted, every time she moved her hands, 5 rings on, shiny and big reflective rings, shiny necklace and dangly shiny earrings, lots of bling Mom used to say don’t leave anything shiny around because the crow will take it. Rat will do that too – will take gold or silver. There’s a resilience in poverty. We used to be so poor, living in an illegal place, punk rockers and junkies, landlord charging people, 1 bathroom. Got creative. We would walk to community centre, walk there, have a shower and sauna, it was clean and warm, eating was a challenge. I’ve had an affinity with seniors. There were impoverished seniors, lonely and neglected. Had to protect myself from my heart breaking. Stigma of living down there, intense. Krishna friends, listened to brouhaha but got your meal. Guy that kicked pizza out of Krishna’s hand, you will not convert me. It shocked me. Didn’t have the feeling he was trying to convert me. People I met living at this warehouse space, huge empty warehouse space, and they filled it with garbage. Full of garbage. Hoarding. C4: Sonya’s Notes (Group Discussion) 3: Talking to this man, he was interested in our crow proving, has to have air around him and be outside. It was -14 and he was making us Xmas presents, works outside, lives in a van in Merritt 5: Arm doesn’t feel good, can’t find a comfortable spot, I keep shifting around and the cast feels so heavy. 3: Harm reduction for people who use alcohol, give them a small medicinal dose of alcohol where they don’t abuse it. Me: Memory thing with the remedy? You were convinced your gloves were there, and 2 knew she had left them in the van. I thought we’d had a conversation and we hadn’t. As a child my parents called me scatterbrain, an airhead that would lose things. Child with a hole in his pocket and his toy fell out, we went to find this little man, and we found it. Guess I’m good at finding things. Feeling nausea & headache and neck tension

29

Things got really dark and heavy AND SOMBRE LIKE GRIEF $600 boots in my closet I don’t wear because I like my thrift store boots I look ratty but love old clothes Feeling Sadness sorrow feeling in breastbone like I could cry Been voiding a lot more urine than normal the last few days, bigger volume (longer pees) Tickle Crow caw caw It’s gotten very quiet Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw Feeling nausea felt in neck Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw aw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw what sound does crow REALLY make? Are ALL crows harmful? Bright family projects, life skills and how to cook foods, the food there was crap, only one day healthy food, I gained in 3 weeks 15 pounds, I left feeling ill. Don’t eat rich food, disappointing. It’s about cost. If people are unfamiliar with fresh foods, people in DTES have bad teeth, can’t chew it and not used to fibre, they would have a hard time. Native kids’ schools, don’t have traditional foods or know how to cook, don’t know how to use the foods, separated from moms. Kids in US eat so much bad food, lots of corn syrup and pop. The food is impoverished. Preservatives to preserve flour, it’s a calming influence, settles them down (bromide as preservative). Bromides in foods in China to keep the masses calm. Chlorine in water, chlorine is a pacifier. 5: Frustration with limitation with the arm Lottery winners who become pizza delivery people or lose their friends and family. Woman who won millions and she gave people visa cards, bought a yacht, this is our home base, let’s just travel and do whatever. They travelled for years. Because she didn’t limit anybody, she just let the energy go out there without all those rules saying I’m the boss of it. 5: People could abuse that 2: The money never ran out, and they didn’t abuse the money, she never put a lid on anything or tried to control it. 17 million. 5: some athlete had 160 million and now bankrupt, you can lose it. Idea about now trying to control money, and sharing it and not letting it go. I have a wealthy friend, all she talks about is money and real estate. I need that and income from that to do this. This urgent thing that seems really stressful. Her husband makes a crap load of money and so much comes in and bizarre, sense of poverty in her life. Know some woman like that, art gallery owner, I don’t think she really relaxes. Working, we had a client, she had a steel factory, so anorexic, obsessed with aerobics. She didn’t like anything dead, even a leaf or blade of grass, lived in this massive house, no one in there, she had some servants, had a pool in front of the ocean, never saw anyone swim in it, all these exotic plants, had them replaced every month. Had a big pit in the backyard, we put compost stuff in this pit. I know people who can’t launch themselves, have opportunities but it can’t happen. 2: I have an issue, no desire for money. My dad was so insecure even with money, and I didn’t like it. I’ve had tons of money. I get a bunch of stuff. That always dragged me down. I’ve lost it really abruptly. You acquire stuff and in a second it could be gone. I don’t want to be ill on the street, I want someone wiping my brow, want some care. Who will look after me? That’s why we fear homeless people. You can serve food in DTES and people have no appreciation for the food at all. It’s not a choice. Nobody crosses at the crosswalk in DTES. Poor but not following the rules. Not being able to get with the program. 2: I have an allergy to the program. School is a nice factory for taxpayers, little gerbils, getting people to do things they don’t want to do.

30

Some poor people can be so generous. Rich people who don’t want to share, are protected. The poor gives more percentage of their income. Wealthy people don’t have that experience. Where I grew up in Edmonton, people would not drive through the poor area. People think DTES is dangerous, but the people from the burbs who go to strip clubs and get tanked up…. Some places with poverty are dangerous, but Vancouver is not predatory. It’s the people from the burbs who throw stuff, rocks, etc., abuse, saying “get a job.” For example, during Occupy Vancouver - Police officers, way too many, were hanging out drinking coffee. Tons of city of Vancouver workers, Occupy movement kept the place clean, and workers drinking coffee. Fear of poverty, of the poor people. The poor will rise up. They have had enough and will rise up. Crow a metaphor for that. As a child grew up in a rough neighborhood and kids threw stones at the crows all the time. They are a target for abuse like a poor person. It shows up in so much art. The poor, starving artist. If they’re not poor, they’ve sold out. Actually I know wealthy artists. I feel like I want to defend the rich. Duality, each feeds the other, maybe the poor are rich and the rich are poor. Me: Cancer miasm? They don’t give a shit, and people don’t give a shit about them. (Leper miasm?) Underdog element and a rebel element They have community and look after each other and support Creativity is birthing and can be horrifically painful. Put your baby up on a stage. You don’t have to pay to see an art show. Hard to get noticed as an artist. Unless you have a lot of status and wealth (wealthy gallery). 3: There are many artists with mental health issues, Picasso, never addressed them, visual arts community, spoken to musicians and actors in theatre, it’s a big thing. Artists can have a show then deep depression, intense energy that is draining. Usually older mothers will have severe postpartum depression, if only I had a child it would gratify me. If only I had money it would gratify me. I did that with owning a house, if only I had a house I would be happy, and now it’s more stress. The house would not give me security. If only I had a show, all that accolade, what that would give me. Lots of fear of showing with artists. You can’t control how the audience reacts to your work, it’s unknowable. Postpartum depression. Expectation is a huge part of it. Tons of schizophrenia and bipolar with artists, all kinds. Alcoholism. Drug addiction. OCD. Depression. Many different diagnosis like epilepsy. They are into their label. The concept of originality is overrated. Obsession with the new, new is better, but new can distort things, like obsession with youth, the fresh, the unflawed youth. But we also want to bash the youth, look at those kids. Stanley Cup riot, kids got blamed, rowdy youth. You don’t see old people breaking windows. These old women took their shirts off and cops drove away. 2: I feel like my hair is fuzzy and dry. 4 got her head cut the other day, lots of hair on the ground, felt good. C5 Level: Prover #2 Salt? Aversion, intolerance, sensitivity to it. Craving? Sensitivity, aversion to judgement or judgemental ie. Classist, racist, sexist, ageist Marginalized yet independent Creativity marginalized Homeless. No home. Where is the nest of crow? Crows don’t migrate. Homeless people who collect garbage. Hoarders acquiring thing. Material possessions.

31

A murder of crows? C5 Level: Prover #3 Stereotypes, judgements. Being put in a box – no room to grow. Labels. Label and attach meaning – like a death sentence. The label rich or poor, being one or the other. Black and white. Noticing while we’re talking that I want to defend the RICH??!! Connection. Who am I thinking about? Who’s coming round. Keep in mind *Bless the water In my mind = far away, A, SM (Japan, England), CJ, M Spent time with friends Talk with my brother D last night C5 Level: Sonya Feeling a tickle in my nose like I could sneeze Dog I groomed every day, he loved it Worked in dude ranch (abuse) Hockey coach murdered someone Met some bizarre people in church, hiding place for dark Fundamentalist church, dysfunctional community Priests suppress animal instinct, perversion, suppressed, sin Community in Peru killed the priest In Ireland they went after the Pope Catholic Church hides behind enormous wealth Mussolini was a godless man, socialist, initially he said if there’s a god strike me down dead. Later he made a deal with the church, scared of them because they were powerful. Now nobody goes to church anymore, just other cultures. Polish, Filipino. Also basketball coaches. There’s so much stigma and homophobia in sports. There’s a lot of grief in bird remedies. Lots in swan. Duck egg. Bringing in babies into schools, it’s called “Roots of Empathy” – brings change in kids Talking about cute babies and cute walk, adorable 4: Yearning to eat an egg the last few days. 3 and 2 ate eggs. Some racism against Japanese, thought everything Japanese is bad We’ve been eating more salt. 2 got poisoned with salt last night, dinner last night that was so salty. Me and 2 feeling very tired I feel like vomiting And feeling sensitive to smells “Murder of crows” Feeling cold, want a blanket DTES term, people call each other mama, hey mama. Goes with teen pregnancy. Don’t tell someone your real name, it’s special, don’t take a photo of someone it will steal your soul. Yet vibrational sound of your name can heal you. African culture, will call their kids blackie, low caste, so they won’t be taken by the Gods.

32

NOBODY TALK TO ME I want to lie in the dark alone 4: Met up with English woman after Italy, so neat to chatter away. Could be lonely in Italy. C6 Level: Prover #2 Churches – religion – being saved – prayer – praying – crows sitting on top of the churches The burden of helping others Attachment – detachment Our Father – the masculine – phallic pestle Feathers are sacred Special things hidden in the nest C6 Level: Prover #3 Labels. Feeling hot yesterday too, while at Sonya’s. Matriarchy. Yin. Mothers, sisters, daughters. We are all both male and female. Pounding in my head. Heartbeat in my head. Last night. Crows and horses. Prayers, the sacred. Transcendence. Flight. Faith. Believing. The song – Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley Kd lang singing Leonard Cohen’s Bird on a Wire Light. Birds of pray. Wings. Crow call kaw. The “dark” crow grounded on the earth, the “holy” crow transcends the myth (to achieve? A status or state that we may never know) cause we can’t fly, we’re grounded on the earth C6 Level: Sonya Christian lady on the bus, asked me are you a believer? Hell yeah, but not Christian. Went to Churches with Polish nun friend…every time we went to Church she’d ask me are you a believer. Do you believe in God? What about Jesus? She would pray for me every single day, nice to know somebody is praying for you. Prayed as a student, prayed for everybody, but not to god Catholic friend, memorial, people there talked about me praying for them Was praying for people in the hospital, got tired, this is exhausting, too many people here to pray for, burden of looking after the whole world. Must be a special way of praying for the world Ask that everyone who is in pain and suffering be released from it Did you pray for yourself? I can’t remember, hope I did. At the end of the Twin Peaks movie, Laura Palmer saw the angel, she was saved. In Japan you write your prayer on paper and attach it to a tree Laura Palmer says you’re going down a black hole and there’s nothing there, no angel History of deep dark past with abuse and trauma and bad things, but in the end the angel is there In the Crow he was killed, there were bad guys but in the end the crow righted the wrongs, and the angel saved Laura Palmer in the end.

33

I place my ice cold fingers on my eyes and I feel better In Underworld the bad guys get killed too, main character a vigilante Vigilante righting the wrongs There’s a lot of evil in the world but good will win out in the end Nelson is beautiful but dark. Hells Angels are not involved in the drug trade there Got an image of a crow sitting on top of a horse Getting some reflux Don’t bother me. Do not want to be disturbed. Eyes drooping. Our father – lord’s prayer Our father God in heaven – song Feathers are sacred Moths have attacked my feathers, they eat everything Just want to rest Mom’s death so tortuous, senseless suffering Mom lost her faith on her deathbed, suffered and wanted to die Baby was brain dead, hospital wanted to pull the plug and afraid because they could’ve pulled the plug and afraid they would sue them. She was just blue eyed and vacant, dressed like a doll. Finally we approached this couple and they said do it. 2 days before they were going to lay the law down, they said we’re ready to let her go. She was almost 3. They had such faith, amazing. Developed a respect for what it took for them to dress her and pray over her. Thought these guys are sick, but changed my attitude about religion because they were at peace with themselves. Holier than thou thing. Everyone thinks they know. It happens in every hospital. Feel my whole body vibrating – feeling powerful. Feel like crying – wow, so awesome and profound! Surgeons who make mistakes with surgeries. Fascist nurse, would not let me put my arm out when getting shot Still have burning sensation from a shot, right into sciatic nerve Birds of pray not prey Should we pray over the last round? All of Mexico is on a travel warning now. Bad stuff happening in resorts, big money and poverty. Mexican guy did a bunch of coke and punched a woman’s face, have to reconstruct her face Movie Adaptation 5: I have pain coming and going, shooting pain, intermittent, comes and goes. Prover #6 (After taking single dose of Corvus Caurinus C6/10) Stool completely changed – like small little segmented pieces a distinct colour. Joints and every part of body extremely stiff and sore, dull tired pain, every single joint. Also burping (never get that). Took the pellets in water – oh my god it’s dirty water – repulsed by what I took I said keep me clean, not keep me safe I totally went off meat during the remedy, bought tofu, not eating much in general.

34

I’ve been getting headaches, clenching my teeth during the day now and the incessant burping is just now calming down but still happens after I eat or drink. There was also this really weird thing about thinking I lost my keys or actually locking myself out. I felt compelled to constantly check for my keys and one day even after doing so three times discovered later in the day that I had taken the wrong set and was locked out which I never do. Had to get the building manager to let me in and then he locked his keys in behind him too! That’s remedy stuff all righty! Prover #4: After the Proving Was just talking with a friend the other day, and she said something interesting about crows....that they

are always grooming each other...especially they get pecking at each others’ necks...especially the back

of each others' necks...and they seem to really enjoy it (the ones being groomed at least)...also...she

runs a food programme that always culls out their leftover bread on Mondays...and funny thing! The

crows NEVER come round on any other days...JUST MONDAYS! They sit outside and wait for the weekly

gift of leftover bagels from the food programme!?

It has certainly changed my relationship with all things "Leprous!"...I mean...that "outsider" stuff sure

lasted with me, and I feel a real empathy now with crows, and coyotes, and all things that are just

outside our cuddly pet image of what animals might be!!

Prover #2: After the Proving

Sunday, January 29th, 2012 -T asked me when I came home from the trituration if there had been anything to do with bicycles -she told me about a dream she had of standing with her bike in a parking garage that quickly filled with people. Where are they all coming from? I wanted to fly though them. She picked up her bike and ran down a staircase feeling exhilarated. Like I was 20 years old. Monday -In the van coming back to K I feel suddenly very sleepy, just as I did yesterday. Can hardly keep my eyes open and do in fact fall asleep sitting up. I feel sleepy for the rest of the day. Taking over the responsibility of E’s schoolwork. Meeting with his teachers today and lot of anxiety about how he’s not doing his homework. Anxious about talking to him as I don’t really want this kind of relationship with him. I don’t want to be the one to tell him what to do or have to set boundaries and discipline. Feel it cause problems between us. I want him to be able to talk to me about anything. Tuesday -I wake up with my period. Unexpectedly early by almost 2 weeks. I also woke up with the sleepy feeling which followed me through the day. Cramps begin mid-afternoon and progress. Very heavy, pressing cramps and I have to get up and take some tissue salts before I can sleep. Wednesday -I forgot to mention that I noticed on Mon. I was getting another few sores in my mouth. Both on the lower jaw. One at the very back right side where I had some tension and pain a few days ago. Also have one on the left side along the lower gum line towards the front of my jaw. Started as a hard lump, small and now feels very raw along gums of two teeth. The very back of my jaw, both upper and lower on the right side have a kind of achy sensation. Tingling slightly, like the beginning of a toothache. I keep checking them all with my tongue. Period seems heavier than usual especially at night. Still have a lot of twitching around my right eye.

35

Thursday -A few things happened today that reminded me of 3 at J’s party on the 22nd. I dropped several things. Seemed like they jumped out of my hands. A few cups and a glass and then some food while I was making dinner. Strange Small spots on my face and arm. Not really itchy but red and raised. Friday -Dreamed of riding in a car with brothers and J loses control. We hit a barrier and then fly off the edge of an overpass. We’re flying through the air in panic. I feel terrified that I will be thrown and die. Dreamed I’m living with teenage girls. I’m trying to befriend them. Dreamed I arrive at a homeopathic seminar and recognize no one. The speaker announces there will be an exam. He passes out a thick booklet and turns off all the lights. Images are projected on a screen. Saturday -Nose bleed late last night. Haven’t had one for a long time. For several days I’ve had the sensation of something in my eye. Like an eyelash or a small grain of sand or something rough like a piece of wood. Very sore, irritating and my eye becomes very red. Right eye but once on left. Still lots of twitching both eyes Sunday, February 5 -Talking to 4 about feeling not quite myself, kind of detached alternating with a feeling of being too attached. Unwilling to get too involved in the drama of others and then finding myself right in the thick of it. Tuesday -Dreamed a woman and her friend have started a small clothing boutique and hired me to film a fashion show. The shop is beautiful as are the clothes and accessories. Meticulous attention to detail and everything well presented. When I arrive her family is gathered in someone's home. Food at one end of the living room and carefully arranged chairs at the other end. The ‘runway’ area in the middle. There was also an airplane in the room. Large and bulky and I was adjusting something underneath it. When everyone gathers the show starts. There is heckling and jeering from the audience and I’m surprised and a bit shocked as this is her family. During a break I go with her to the shop and purchase several outfits for her to model. I will return them afterwards. The crowd becomes quiet and I struggle to get the lighting right. It’s suddenly very dark. I ask the audience if someone could turn up the lights and the father goes crazy. He’s in a wheelchair and begins racing around the edges of the room in a rage, smashing at anything within reach. Everyone is afraid to move. As he continues to melt down I overhear someone talking about the grandmothers TB. The father is screaming, ‘you can’t get anything right’ and the girl has collapsed into herself. Dreamed I’m lost in a very large, complicated city. Nothing is familiar and I haven’t written down the name of where I came from or where I’m going Wednesday -Slight headache all afternoon gets really intense after dinner. Not much appetite and a bit of a hard time getting to sleep. Woke up with some sweating on my chest between my breasts. Not hot enough to throw the covers off but definitely warmer than usual. Friday, February 10 -I’ve been having slight headaches all week. < afternoon, and then into the evening. < 8 pm. Woke up with one once but the rest seem to be > sleep. Very tired this week. Sleepy and took

36

a nap twice. Some kind of sharp pains in upper mid abdomen R side. Pain in R arm near elbow (I have an old injury here) is much worse. Very chilly, especially feet and hands Saturday -Headache comes on after dinner <around 7-9 or 10 pm and I actually have to go to bed because it’s so bad. Seems to be mainly forehead area and eventually my eyes feel sore and tired. Sunday -Pain in coccyx <sitting, getting up from sitting. Headache continues in the evening. Twitching under R eye. Monday -Headache is aching across the forehead above my eyes. Eyes are sore, almost stinging. I go to bed at 9 pm because I can’t read or concentrate. No appetite. Both head and eyes are better after I sleep. Tuesday -Waking with low back pain yesterday and today. Lumbar. feels stiff and sore > after I get up and start moving around. Appetite is still off. I’ve had this a few times over the week; a shooting, piercing pain in R ear. Also a few times in the L. Sudden, sharp. Like a thin knife stabbing. Almost an electric pain it’s so sudden and kind of shocks me how strong it feels. Sharp pain in outside region of R hip joint. Sudden and fleeting. Headache still coming on around 8 pm and getting progressively worse as evening goes on. Wednesday -Low back pain in the morning rising from bed. Feels stiff, achy but better moving. No headache today. A lot of anxious pondering about my appointment tomorrow. Going in to sign papers and feel divided. Part of me wants to avoid being any kind of authority and part of me knows I’m the only one that seems remotely aware of how important this is. I guess the gist of the conflict is about responsibility vs. indifference. Thursday, February 16 -Waking with low back pain again. Same as before. Still feeling fatigued, sleepy. Still twitching under R eye. No headache tonight. Appetite still a bit off. It’s now Wednesday, February 22 and I’ve decided to say good bye to Crow. After a good 10 days at least of these bad headaches and then bone pain I’ve decided to admit that I've had the flu. I coughed up some very green mucous this morning and that confirmed it. I should have thought the four days of fever would have been a good clue. Anyway... here are my notes to the 16th of Feb. I've been unwell since then. Maybe those symptoms of 'flu' might be helpful for an acute? Very slow to progress. Headache, fatigue, loss of appetite, light nausea and disturbed sleep followed by some bone pain, low grade fever (99-101), chills, tightness in chest and finally... thick green mucous. After the Proving: Sonya’s Notes January 29

Naam crow hobo – DTES – poverty

37

Crow’s feet under my eyes today! Even look like a homeless person!

Had a huge BM after the proving was over with well formed stool. During the trituration was feeling very

nauseous and constipated – felt like I had to go but couldn’t get anything out.

Throat feeling very sore, almost scratchy.

January 30 (while potentizing to the 220C level) Thirsty dry mouth Jaw/neck feels tight Itchy palms (itchy eruptions on arms – bumps) Such a busy week – rushed feeling, no time, frantic – NOT feeling rested Client kept cancelling apt or missing – feels scattered and fidgety like this remedy Bowl looks dirty. Noticing details. Hyperalert Confused Hoarding material possessions Poverty (fear of) “Stuff” Eyelash found in cake Dirty. Soiled. Dirty bird – Pervert. Yuck! Flashers. Stubborn – I’ll do what I want my way! Independent. Artistic. Unique. Individual. Sleepy. Close eyes. Pain in left temple. Disorganized “bird brain” Ungrounded. Never fully launched themselves on a career, life path, etc. Fastidious. Takes care of their stuff. Sensitive. Busy and rushed. Multitasking. Too rushed to take the time to connect. LISTEN. Too loud. Want quiet. It’s the journey not the destination (money, power). Inner peace (nobody can give or take this away) Meditation. Bells. Want to go faster. Hurry. Rush. Frantic. Not enough time. Speedy. Fast reflexes. Changeable. Anxious. Nervous. Exacting and fault finding. Perfectionistic. Hard to let go (of control, stuff, how things will turn out, end result). Valuing privacy. Fuck off! Protecting one’s privacy/oneself. Could be arrogant and showy, lofty(?) – on high horse (perched above) Poverty (not enough) Thrifty. Saving up every last penny. Miserly. February 2 Started getting chest pains all of a sudden while prescribing for a client who never got proper care or attention (the remedy swan came to mind but prescribed crow to see if it would resonate first). Dream last night: I was in a natural health centre of some sort while travelling in the US and remember

looking down and seeing some shit on my legs and the people working there were giving me an injection

38

of some sort to make me feel better and I was waiting in line to pay and felt annoyed that I had to wait

so long, also worried about how much money it would cost because in the US the cost of health care is

so much more expensive than in Canada.

Aysha’s been feeling more tired, has a stuffed nose and is drinking more water (got a mild cold).

February 3

Woke from a long sleep feeling and looking dead tired. Blew mucus from nose. Itchy upper back, neck,

head, arms, elbows and ankles. I got Aysha’s cold.

February 4

Last night dream that we had left out bread crumbs for the crows in our yard, went outside and saw a

bunch of dead crows being eaten by a bunch of neighborhood cats of assorted colours; the crows’

bodies were torn open and the cats were eating their flesh.

Still have a cold. Periodically some pain in the throat and ears (sharp).

February 5

Dream that me and a group of people were in HONG KONG, sitting at a restaurant. I saw some live crabs

spilling out of a pot in the kitchen, they were on special that day. I also remember cash – it was spilling

out of my bag and there was lots of it and I remember being concerned/worried about it.

February 6

Usman dream: It was the end of the world. People were getting sick, people were dying left and right,

there was worry about loved ones, and it was all mainly due to radiation poisoning. I promised

somebody food – had to make food but it was very basic, like a glass of juice, because it was all I had. It

was scary and sad. Also the weather was bad, Global Warming Storm, roads and bridges were collapsing.

The ocean was rising and there was flooding, lots of water. The feeling was “I told you so, I warned you.”

February 7

Last few evenings, thought I heard crows cawing. Also thought I heard the phone ringing – could be a

good remedy for auditory hallucinations.

February 8

Dream last night of visiting my daughter’s school in the middle of the day and seeing her by herself with

no friends, completely alone and ostracized (in real life she has lots of friends) and I was surprised, felt

like she hadn’t been telling me what was really going on at school.

February 11

39

Yesterday U got into an argument on facebook about religion and the law. Then, later that night, we

watched The Trial, a movie about persecution and arbitrary law that made no sense. When he gets

executed at the end he says “Like a Dog” (without any humanity or morals).

The other day I came across Dr. Sircus, a brilliant MD who got exiled from the US and practiced some

very effective naturopathic methods to cure cancer (again the theme of persecution). I said to a client

later that day: If you are an MD and you are moral, then you have to practice outside of North America.”

I bought Dr. Sircus’ e-book, called “Survival Medicine.” With the current level of environmental

degradation, risk of global warming, risk of nuclear meltdown etc., we need to learn ways to survive. I

had also ordered “Homeopathy for Radiation” (new book) earlier that week. Knowing about

naturopathic detox (baking soda, etc) as well as homeopathic detox is the best combination. Not sure if I

feel safer knowing all this, but it’s essential knowledge.

Intense itching left side, 2nd toe, and left side of hip, right elbow.

February 14

Found out a couple days ago what the itching was: lice!

Also tried the baking soda method of Dr. Sircus and got an allergic reaction – itchy eyes that became

swollen and a red rash/eczema on my face, looked like I was sunburnt. Today my whole face is very dry

now that the eczema is fading. Also eyes looked very puffy and sleep has been bad but getting better.

February 17

U: Sahara almost died in my dream. Climbed a tall tree, then fell off, my parents were there as well, my

dad caught her and the underbrush broke her fall as well, I was mad and felt like scolding her.

February 21

My face is looking pretty good, almost no acne breakouts and greasiness (usual symptom) is gone. I have

not remembered dreams but had the feeling they were vivid and good and kept wanting to go back to

the dream world, feeling like there was not that much of a divide between dream world and waking life.

Was feeling like I could get some anxiety/nervousness about a client then felt a wave of calmness wash

through me. Felt very centred and serene.

Lots of little bumps that look like bite marks all over my body, they are itchy and they bleed after

scratching.

February 22

Finally time to progress with writing the proving! I hardly ate anything at all the last 2 weeks or so but

now that my nasal congestion has improved I am feeling famished all the time.

40

I should also mention that our cat recovered from an ear infection a few days ago – both ears were

weeping pus and he was mostly hiding under the bed, not wanting to come near us or be pet, sleeping

most of the day.

February 26

Sahara has been very gassy, with some nausea. U has been more gassy.

February 27

Dream that there was a pregnant lady who was about to go into labour and I could feel what she was

feeling – she thought she was in active labour but I said no, it’s 1000X more painful than what she’s

feeling right now.

February 28

Feeling like a hermit. Daydreaming about going to a remote cabin to write. I’m kinda like that anyway

but it’s gotten more intense. Just want to be left alone to do my writing, don’t feel like socializing much.

March 2

Kept waking up the other night because my legs kept falling asleep. Aysha also complained of her feet

falling asleep 10X during her work on a project.

Was getting some pretty severe chest pains yesterday as I was working on the proving notes. Also some

sciatic pain, came and went throughout the last few days.

The following is a summary of a trituration proving of an unknown species of crow, conducted in the

spring of 2009 in England. There were 5 female participants and 1 male participant.

MIND

CALM AND RELAXED

I felt more tranquil than usual with regard to local lads drinking in the street, am usually frightened by it

but felt calm. I feel comfortably separate from the world. I’m above getting too involved, a feeling of

slight separation. Now I feel cosy and snug and feel I’m sinking into a nest. Now I’m sitting here smiling

to myself, I laugh out loud, and there are tears but they feel happy tears and I am still smiling. What a

lovely comfy fat contented smiley feeling! I have a feeling that this substance needs to be held high –

offered up – and then I get the return of the feeling in my throat. It is as if I have missed out somewhere.

I’m on the edge of discovering something about me. How weird, a feeling in my throat and then I have

to sing.

DO, DO, DO

Do over and over. I start to have tears. This is lovely crying with the sound and so I sing just simple

repetitive notes. It feels good and my throat feels better. Strong, powerful and optimistic. Disruption is

good. Change is good. No need to hold on, even to the mortar. I can balance by myself. The scraping is

41

more joyful, not the loneliness of the first night, yet I do not feel part of a group even now. I like them

here, I would be lonely by myself, but not sure I want to interact. Today I feel calm and relaxed. Depth

and clarity. Deep devotional love. The winds sing to me in the grinding, I feel their song welling within.

Equanimity is my way. Solitary is my way. My focus is out on the high hillside where joy and sadness

together I know, time passes fast.

CONNECTED

I did not get much at all from C2-3. but today I have been extremely firm and clear , outspoken even, I

loved the pure energy of Hate in the place I stood in the constellation, it was not personal, just an

energy. For once when I heard the crows outside when I was inside, they did not seem discordant but

cheerful and enlivening even. Practical and diligent until a shiny appears then totally distracted and

keenly focused on that. Deep and profound devotion for the unloved or deformed. Imperfection =

Beauty. Devotion if understood and accepted. Sad - poignant - devoted. Later I see I’ve drawn Crow

with 3 eyes and understand this is Crow showing me how it is, the Past the Present the Future, the

Triple description as One; Body, Mind, Heart and Spirit under one Law. Eyes close / open. How to get to

the other side of where we’re at? How is my relationship with myself?

DISCONNECTED

Feel spacey in the state between waking and sleeping, incredibly relaxed. This is about being able to

stand back and assess a situation, the broad context of things. I feel alert yet spacey. I can imagine

sitting on a branch with the wind in my feathers, slightly swaying on the branch, then I just drop and

glide in the wind. I feel at odds with my body and maybe I would like to disconnect with it? It is raw,

jangling, I feel very light now after all the previous heaviness. I do not feel the substance is stuck but

mentally absent. Light and airy in myself. Stoned cackle then stoned and zoned out feeling. Time went

wonky and became irrelevant. Timing - when is the right time? Inner clockworks not clocks and

watches. Inner time to breathe in and out. Why do we stop ourselves? I feel dazed and numb as I

contemplate the inhibitions, the not allowing the vividness to be. Here’s a route to the root of the

true/not true to myself dilemma. Nothing in my mind, feeling numb and empty,

ANTICIPATION/EXCITEMENT

A sensation in the throat chakra like emotional excitement. A sense of anticipation. A cousin phones and

talks about wanting to move forward in her life, to move on from her mother’s death 3 years ago. I link

what she says with the feeling of anticipation, a need to move forward. Last night I had a look and a

smell at the C-0 S. prepared and gave me. I was itching to start. I feel small, neat and tidy as if I have a

small mouth and restricted hand movements, little hand movements. The pace is staccato

MISCHIEF

I am really enjoying playing with this substance, it feels like angel dust, whatever that might be! I feel

neat and precise in my movements although the way I’m scraping down the sides of the mortar doesn’t

really reflect this - it’s quick and organised but not my usual careful organised way of doing it. There’s

more playfulness in it. I like this substance. It makes me feel happy and as I do the last scrape down I

hum and sing to myself. I am wondering if I will sweep it all off the table for the sake of mischief, for fun.

In the first day of the constellation work shop we are having here this weekend, I wanted to fly through

42

the constellation that was set up, squawking and making mayhem, just for fun and with extravagant arm

gestures. I feel full of mischief. I owe nothing to anyone and take responsibility for myself only. Motion

energy change/ static, stuck, limited, the disruptive force of mischief is full of life after all. Not wanting

to take any of it seriously or be solemn or pious about this and these things. Wanting to say aloud what

the substance is. Will I ever learn to not have to speak all the time? And words are full of air, bombastic,

everything is only provisional so maybe I do not have the loads of energy I feel right now. Before sitting

down I was so inflated and full of myself, making myself felt. D is chatting or chattering

uncharacteristically, there is also a little malice in this chatting which we share. When D asked before if

we were going to triturate now V answered someone that he lived in Crowborough and I got a laughing

fit, which I could not explain to her, T who sat with us yesterday is called Crowstaff. Hiding one’s light

(shiny) under someone else’s bushel!

DETACHED/CARELESS

I feel lost in my own world. I think about people not having a place to go and express themselves. How

difficult it is when growing up for people to link up with soul desires. I recall teenage muddles but not

personal ones, more an over view of people in general. I don’t hear the bell ring for the end of the 7

minutes, and then suddenly become aware, as if I was somewhere else and lost in my thoughts. The bell

rings to end this session and surprised/ startles me. I have a brief heart palpitation. I keep getting lost as

far as the time is concerned. I forget to put the timer on and I don’t register when it rings and I have to

stop. I carry on regardless in my own world. I forgot to set the timer, or did it ring and I didn’t hear it?

Some confusion again over the time, was it time to add more sac lac? I would normally be unsure and

have to double check but I’m not so spacey that I can’t think. I am certain. We talk and forget to set the

timer. I do not want to conform to time and structure, I am not grinding or time keeping, the others are

doing this, and I am just sitting here, thinking of mischief. How can I do that? I have a watch on either

side of me but I am not in this time. I did not look at the timer and I was supposed to keep the timing...It

will have to be 7 min. approximately, yesterday B. made the same mistake.

NOT WITH IT!

Messy overall, meticulous about odd details. Winging it but honing in on a subtle detail. Detailed but

not fussy. Non-commitment. Fickle and bored. Unconcerned about what others think of me - only

industrious for my own desires. Wanting to watch others but not wanting to be watched. Exposure.

Amusement through detachment. Watching opposing factions with merriment. Not belonging but also

not conforming or caring. So where is the Crow in the food chain I wonder? Where is it in the pecking

order? And does it really care? It looks like it tastes bitter and gets left alone - does it?

EGOISM/DESIRES/GREEDS

We are silent, it does not feel like we are sharing, like we are in two times. I choose the yellow cup. I am

protecting my own interests. Shiny saliva. Shiny things. Ownership based on desire not society rules. If it

shines I need it! Desire and necessity rather than 'right and wrong'. Rules upside down. One rule for you

and another for me!! Beyond rebel - freedom/breath/independence from rules - why shouldn't I? Not

preening but a tactile desire to feel textures and touch them. Fascination with fabric textures and how

they are made. Detailed investigations about warp and weft! Want to make a mess to shock. Rules are

for other people. No right or wrong just the way forward. Practical.

43

DISAPPOINTMENT

Now I discover what the substance is (through an e-mail) and have a sense of disappointment. I cannot

stop thinking about crows - what they look like, how they behave and I am fearful that it will mar the

rest of my work. I feel too cerebral and have a sense that my preconceived ideas will spoil my

sensations. Discontented and very tired. Private - serious about deep inner emotions. Wounded by

being misunderstood but not speaking. Inability to speak. Hurting unspoken words slip into the

stomach. Injustice unresolved.

ANXIETY/FEARS

I feel there is a sense of urgency, anxiety. It looks like greed but it is more from fear of not finding food.

The dried up bones are speaking and the crow is on the cusp. The fear is of death, the void. Dream world

of twilight, it is very frightening whereas I usually love this time of day. I am afraid of the coming of the

night. But being mischievous will no alleviate the dread of the night and of the dark. I may not sleep

tonight and feel a sort of panic about that. The ungrounded nervy feeling, but I was able to step out of

it. Fear of dark, unconscious or unknown. I feel blocked. I have been repulsed and even afraid of food.

EDGY/IRRITABLE

I feel bad tempered and grubby, easily irritated. Irritated and annoyed by my husband who came and

asked a question, could identify with a crow being irritated with small birds flying onto its patch. I’m

feeling less patient. Interruption when phone rings and then two people come in, usually there just is

not interruption when we triturate, unwarranted intrusion, I want to finish this. Also some agitation,

almost a palpitation. Felt as if I was on the edge of needing to dash away somewhere. I have a feeling of

"I must hurry" as if on edge, as if I am going to miss the train. Felt irritable and found difficulty

concentrating when a learning new dance at class. There is a light nerviness in my body. Abruptness -

could leave suddenly without explanation or social niceness. Dislike of small talk. Rather feel nausea

than speak. Just walk away. Flying away alone, deflated by others’ mistrust of the shade. Weary, ready

to sleep and let go. Acceptance. Weary bones. Want to escape from stiffness/aches/pains. Intense

weariness (world weary). Mood swings.

SELF CONFIDENCE

Able to let things go and not dwell on mistakes, the insight of Crow. Confidence in the ability of

something in me, if I can expand enough to let this something be there. Going with things as they are

and not imposing my own conditions on them. Wants understanding about not being unclean. Messy

but clean. Profound and deep but absurdity everywhere within this. Hidden feelings behind aloof

detachment, I am worthy but you can't see it and I won't tell it. Soaring ideal of love - love enough to let

other be free. Forgiveness of weaknesses. Easily offended but hidden. Truth speaking. Soaring but

grounded and practical. Balanced between light and dark. Only flies as high as it needs. Wants to still

see the trees, branches and earth. Savour the sweet, value the morsels but not the crumbs - keep ones

dignity. It's all good. The last laugh. Final recognition to oneself. Ready to fly higher and be free. I desire

to create, to make beauty be, and be held in the world. Crone is a state we grow into. Finding my place

of being and belonging in the world.

44

SADNESS

I notice colours especially bright contrasting colours. The boldness of the colours where there is no

subtly. I am repulsed by the wet rheumy mists feeling them in my body, yet I have been wanting to wear

grey, black and white clothes in the last day or two. All the sadness of the day assails me all of a sudden,

the parameters are always moving. I draw the movement. I now wish to retract and be physically less,

the axis is no longer horizontal but vertical. I do not know what to trust all of a sudden and I feel gloomy.

But despite the laughter there is just a lot of sadness here. The sadness is extreme. The chattering we

had was to cover it up. Penetrating through gloom and pessimism into humour, albeit dark humour.

Preferring the Left - sinister/left sided. Sighing and wistful. Acceptance of who someone is. Soulmates,

sadness. Sacrifices for loved one. Misunderstood. Sighing. Sudden gloom. Sudden

oppression. Saturnine bleakness. Deep sadness about the dark not being heard. It's not to scare but to

teach and free. Death rattle. Transitional - death and dying with truth and dignity – one’s own way. Hurt

and sadness come at the destruction of the feather.

LACK OF INTEREST

I feel scruffy and have an attitude “that will do” – very unlike me. Want to just get things done, not

interested what it looks like or how I achieve it. I can’t be bothered to do this properly, have the “that

will do attitude” again. Why follow the lines in writing? I feel very lazy, and am wasting a lot of paper by

drawing some whirls. The French word farfelu comes to me. I have scrawled over everything. I want

something. Pointing purposefully. I do not hold the mortar at all as there is no need. I am not only

rewriting the rules but no rules at all. Turn them upside down. The noise signifying nothing which takes

you away from what you want to be near, I feel full of self doubt. This could be let go of, to be a crow up

there balancing in the currents and letting be, whatever comes; you can't hold on to things up there. I

feel so bored in all this. I want to be released, I suppose like in death. I am not attracted by other things,

not present here, so it is not preferring something else, the state is bored. Although 1 hour has almost

passed it feels as if I have been triturating for 2 hours.

UNDECIDED/DIVIDED

Deciding and unable to decide. A lot of fear before doing this black bird. I feel utterly mechanical,

something speaks and smiles without my participation, swept along. I am cross with the pattern of

triturating, I want to do it in my own way. Let’s mix everything up. The restless mind, which cannot

settle to anything, I cannot decide things and organise yet this weekend there is a work shop here. On

the one hand I really would like to know when I could use this substance as a remedy but on the other I

am totally resistant to knowing this at all, is it always like this with me? I keep seeing a morsel of feather

but if I look closer it is not there. Tricky. We talk about sudden change, blowing hot and cold, I have been

feeling like this all day. I had been going to do things or not going to do them and in fact the opposite

has occurred. Stepping in and out, changing boundaries, at the table the pattern of twoness on the first

day. This morning I noticed the wide angle, not physically really but in myself. Thinking that you cannot

pin things down, that I am this or that, it is always changing, constant motion between things. Blow

where the wind lissom. Balancing between the currents. Before there was a lot of loneliness but not

now. Now on the cusp is the strong ability to finely judge the balance. Able to shift and go in and out/

stuck. I think I am so sad, so sad but A is singing I am so happy so happy. Talking too much or not at all

45

because you cannot express it. It is too much and it would all come out. I still wonder what can I trust in?

People, ideas, even experiences are not what they seem. Before I did crow trituration, which was

suggested by H, I was very afraid of it, of the darkness and potential suffering and then I wished for it,

yet there is also a strong avoidance of suffering here. Yes/No Yes/No Maybe/Maybe. Crow walk is the

expression of this is it / isn’t it, tricky to know, how do we know? How will we grow? I change constantly

from left to right hand doing the work, left to right foot on the floor. Where do I hold back?

LYING

I knew when I said I would or would not do something that it was not true, but it was not exactly a

blatant lie. R. had been going to draw tonight when we triturated but I said I would not be up to doing it

tonight, yet I knew I would. It is that things change the whole time, nothing is stable at all. Nothing to

trust here. I was perfectly convincing each time in saying what I would or would not do, it does not really

matter as things are not what they seem. Speaking without words, can I speak or not, also wanting to

chatter despite being tired and restless. Not speaking for noble reasons rather than because detached or

wanting to shock. Tension with breathing and not speaking. Inner truth needs to express or hold its own

counsel.

SUSPICIOUS

I see A. has a watch identical to the one I used to have and lost in France, and though I know that still

feel she has somehow acquired mine, and she knows I feel that, despite my denying it. Accusing and

feeling accused. I accuse others of stealing the long scraping spoons. We talk about stealing and picking

with gesture, having shiny things like H's necklace/ bracelet, pinching gesture with fingers like when you

play pick a stick.

DESIRE COMPANY

I want to be with a group. I feel lonely. Yesterday I was so lonely doing C-1 alone and today I feel more

supported to do it with peers. Had a great desire for company since the beginning of this trituration.

Alone but not lonely. Regrets without blame. Wistful. Rather be alone than affronted or confronted. I

find myself considering whether I like this one or that one, acknowledging the ‘anti’ feelings, the truth is

sometimes yes, sometimes no.

DREAMS AND DELUSIONS

Dream: I was going through a desk in an unknown house and put a few items in my pocket when I heard

some footsteps so I jumped out of the window and ran and ran. Someone was running after me but I

was faster, and I laughed and woke up. Felt happy after, no guilt. I’m sitting tall and feel as if I want to

lift myself up, as if I have a puppet string at the back of my head and it’s lifting me up, the full length of

my spine is straight. I sit and smile, it feels so good! And I notice that I’m breathing from my diaphragm,

it’s how we are taught to sing correctly and most of the time I have to make a conscious effort to do this

when I sing. I imagine I’m flying – high and with no fear, and I’m looking for food. I’m hungry and I eat

quickly and copiously and I’m aware of my heavy stomach. I have to eat as I may not find food again.

Dream: My body was covered by ladybirds, I had to shake them off and once they had gone my whole

body felt very hot and itchy. At night, I dream, a voice says it’s about “Balance”. In my dream I ponder

this, a balance between different aspects of life, a balance between work and play, creative activity and

46

cerebral things. Might this help people balance their lives more effectively? When I wake I then recall

the slight vertigo, it’s about balance again. I dreamt last night that I wore the yellow jumper I have but

never wear. Dreaming in the desert, of a full belly and a dance of Delight. Where and why do we draw

lines and build barriers, we creep up on who we really are, tracking down the ‘why are we here’? I hear

Crow call in the back woods 20 years ago and the call wakes me as it did then.

Delusion: As if from the mortar I can smell raw meat. Very strange as it is not the first time it happens. A

dish of tiny feet, the little specs now are only black spots. Strange but my bowl gives an odor of vinegar.

Now I have a sense of something light like a chiffon curtain that you can see through. There is a light

covering over something but you can see through the covering. It floats around and wafts in the wind

like a white/ grey mist.

PHYSICALS

HEAD/FACE/EARS/EYES

Left cheek itches. I sense the same tingling /formication feeling in my forehead with anticipation and

excitement. Itching on scalp like crawling insects. Head and nape are itching again. I feel my head being

pulled over to the right again. I have a dull frontal headache. As if my head is squashed at the temples.

Tingle in the temples. Feels like a crown of thorns. Then occiput tingles too. Head and eye pain, like a

sharp thing entering. Pain in right temple. Pain in left brain. Itchy forehead. My head feels full. Head

feels closed in. Yawning left brain ache, spaced out, an effort to listen, to follow. I want to hold my head

over to the right and my right ear now feels blocked. Right ear feels blocked. Last night when I put on

the strongest head lights I had an unusual sensation of a piercing in the left eye, it comes back to me

now. I feel wide angled vision. More aware of the periphery, as if my eyes embrace everything including

myself. Flighty, ungrounded, narrow vision, itch, burning, piercing pains. Tingling round the eyes. Eyes

are dry, pain deep behind the eyes.

VERTIGO

Some vertigo in the car, as I got in and out, on movement. I woke up this morning with a terrible vertigo.

The room was swinging around and I had great difficulty in standing. Vertigo on shutting my eyes. This

afternoon at around 3 p.m. I went through a spell of vertigo, with a great desire to go to sleep. I feel

slightly off balance as if I am being pulled down to my right. Dizzy. I feel dizzy, wobbly and nauseous,

motion sickness feeling. I feel queasy a lot of the time. I feel wobbly and can only cope with grinding in

my lap.

SLEEP

Last night I slept very badly, in slice of 2 to 3 hours at a time.

FACE/NECK

My lips are now tingly making me want to purse them up. My face continues to feel tingly. My eyelids

now feel stingy and tickly and I need to rub them, feels like mild formication again. Tingling sensation

around the brow and eyes, I am glowing hot – red cheeks. That’s the bit of me that feels so hot. My

cheeks are burning hot again and I have formication of the bottom lip. I have hot burning cheeks again.

Face itchy – eyes and chin. Right side of my neck, going down to shoulder feels as if a nerve was trapped.

47

(The pain is similar to a sciatica nerve pain). I have a sensation in my lower left jaw by my ear and then I

found I wanted to stretch and turn my neck. It’s not as stiff as usual. As if my muscles in nape of neck

were tied into a big knot. I sway my head from side to side, I feel I have weak neck support. Nape of

neck/top vertebra feel very painful. Stiff neck/upper back and trapezius. Twinges in the neck.

NOSE

A tickle at the end of my nose – more like formication. I feel that my nose wants to extend forward. Not

sneezy but it feels as if there is something that wants to push my nose forward. My right nostril tickles.

Tickly nose I have a tight feeling across the bridge of my nose - it is tight and it feels harder to breath.

MOUTH

I can feel my teeth on the right side of my mouth. I have developed a sharp tooth ache, lower right in

the first molar. < for hot or cold. Saliva profuse but inability to open mouth and speak. Saliva and

nausea. Mouth feels full of saliva. Tongue keeps touching lips, tension round teeth and TMJ.

BREATHING

It’s On/Off , +ve/-ve, breathing, not breathing. Lots of sighing, letting go of lassitude. Breath is shallow -

am I breathing? Am I here? Releasing Deep yawning breaths. Very shallow breath.

THROAT

I had a slight sore throat before I started. Throat - things stick in my craw. I think of mists rheum, aching,

coughing. I feel a will pull the scarf and hurt me - I need to protect my throat which I am very aware of. I

had a lot of burning in oesophagus through the day. Had heartburn since after breakfast till now mid

afternoon. Burping and heartburn, could Lyc. help? Queasiness rises > wind, belching up.

ABDOMEN

I feel centred on my stomach (it feels heavy.) There is gurgling. Not uncomfortable, just a comfy fat

feeling! My right hip is painful now and I have to move position. My right hip is painful and I have to

stand up which makes it better. I sway my hips up to my head as I triturate this substance. A heavy

sensation in my abdomen, a slight constricted feeling in lower abdomen. Under the pubic bone it feels

as if there is an opening into the void, the winds, the air, the currents, the opening and empty and no-

thing. My stomach is heavy and cramping, rumbling. My stomach feels full again, as if I had a big meal

and I have not eaten for almost 5 hours. Burp (very unusual, I never burp!) Queasy and belchy. I only had

a bowl of vegetable soup and have the feeling that I've eaten too much. My abdomen is so bloated and I

think that one could, in such circumstance, desire to regurgitate. Could this substance cover Anorexia?

On waking this morning, I had a sensation of being bloated and it has not left me for the whole day.

Solar plexus - don't eat when upset. Navel expanding, warmth in the body > There’s tightness in the

diaphragm, holding on and letting go with yawns and the longing for DEEP breath. Laughter releases

tension in the diaphragm. Something feels stuck in the gut, How do we allow ourselves to feel? The

navel area feels queasy, the umbilicus that joins us to being, to belonging/ not belonging. I long for the

whole taste. Holding and withholding centre in the navel. The diaphragm is tight as I hold back from the

world. Queasy, diaphragm tight, wind in the belly. Discomfort in lower abdomen.

48

BACK

There is a constriction in the back which stops me breathing completely. I dislike the tensions in my

back, I am not satisfied with this. I feel the back needs to expand, the pain is so constricting. I have no

more back and head or neck pain and feel freer and relaxed. When D. says she has it I remember and

feel it again but there is no point in taking it seriously as it will change anyway and at any moment. Pain

in upper back, it feels very tense. Pain in upper back spreading into shoulder. Desire for cold application

on nape of neck. This area behind the scapula becomes very stiff and sore 12 hours later and remains so

over the next couple of days. Right scapula feels like a spear penetrating. Deep underneath pain of Rt

scapula and a sense of lassitude.

LIMBS: LEGS/ARMS/JOINTS

I need to stretch out my right leg as I have a pain in my right groin area. Pain in leg, as if something sharp

entering shin bone. Lots of unpleasant sensations in the long bones of the legs. Pain in left knee is

piercing. My R knee could be smashed, I had this knee pain a few times today. Left foot, painful

formication. Foot up / foot down, tendons are stiff, bones are achy. My right shoulder aches. My right

shoulder is too sore still. My right arm is too tired to stir the pestle. My right arm still feels very stiff, it

hurts to take my coat off. Left shoulder, upper trapezius and extensors in the forearm all painful. A deep

ache in my lower left arm. Holding the bowl with my left hand, suddenly feel itchy and had to scratch

fairly violently. I scratched so much that the top of my hand is very, very red. Little finger left hand MCP

very painful. Joints twinging. Joints are stiff. I feel my whole arm move from the scapula. My wrist is

aching and H says this is the triple warmer. Bones feel bigger, attachments feel sensitive. Joints unclick. I

feel creaky. Where does movement begin? Where is effort put in, and overwork, trying too hard? Big

toe joints feel BIG and creaky. There’s a connection here with RA and the similar bone/joint/tendon

inflammation sensations.

BLADDER/URINE

Bladder already feels full. Urine is very dark and has a strong smell of vinegar. Bladder feels full, lower

abdomen numb.

GENITALIA

In the last few days perineal burning and itching, an eruption, this has been getting worse, I never have

this. Base chakra - menopausal vaginal dryness moistened?

RECTUM

For a day or two unusual rectal sxs of great sensitivity and inflammation, have had to apply cream, this

never happens.

BONES/TEETH

Bones and teeth, the most solid and saturnine structures of the body receiving strength and endurance.

Balance middle age to old age. Helps make old bones strong bones - osteoporosis?

FOODS AND DRINK

A desire for a lemon drink. Incredibly hungry last night, kept picking at food. I wonder what kind of meal

we shall have tonight? Food is becoming an obsession. I am the only one who ate in the break just now, I

49

had some apple slices as much for their colour as their nutrition. While yesterday I ate a lot all the day to

feel satisfyingly full, today I have not wanted to have that fullness but just picked at things, constantly. I

had a great desire for red meat during the last 10 days. Normally I keep away from it. Talking about food

and growing our own vegetable.

SENSATION

I feel heavy and hot and have to take my jerkin off and then my necklace. I don’t want any constriction

around me. I have to stretch up and sit up straight as if I need to grow taller. I feel longer / taller now

and feel good but now I have the formication across my top lip. The facial sensations are horizontal but I

feel I’m lifted taller vertically. Feeling imprisoned in my own body and that I needed therefore to go

deeply into it, which helped. I don't feel right in my skin. It feels good to sit tall and I turn my head to

stretch and listen on both sides putting my head from side to side. This feels so good (my singing teacher

would be thrilled to see my sitting so upright!)I went out into the garden earlier to get cool but it didn’t

help. My cheeks look rosy red, quite healthy actually! The tiredness is not healthy or even physical so

resting will not help me. I feel tired in a totally relaxed way as if I’ve done an hour’s meditation. I hot

flush again, red glowing cheeks. I found myself gyrating as I ground the pestle, all of me moving, my

knees first, then hips and then my upper body joins in. My coordination is usually dreadful and this

surprises me. When I stop to think about it I can’t do it but when I relax and go with it by whole body

sways in a rhythm. Last night I had terrible itching all over the body, and it prevented me from sleeping.

The bed was uncomfortable, nothing was OK. I am itching still. Despite being so tired in the body I feel

that the horizontal position is not the right one for me. Hyped up and also drooping. Either alive and

alert or exhausted and dead beat - words which I do not usually use. I feel I’m flying over a bare snow

covered land with skeletal trees and I sense Space. Tightness in the body is released by laughter. Is this

how it feels to be me? After the trituration, the next day or two I am much less physically tense. I have

been shown, when being quiet, some aspect of myself which usually would crush me but this time I have

understood that it can be seen and that I can practice now, a way of creating a new situation. The pain

in my shoulder was so unbearable that I had to go 3 times to see the kinesiologist (I tried Bryonia

without any effect). I could not lift my arm and could not carry even my handbag.

MISCELLANEOUS

I wonder if crows eat other birds’ eggs, is that why keepers shoot them? I feel very lazy and I can guess

that lazy and hunger in combination might lead to becoming a thief. I ponder on the bird, the crow, who

eats dead animals and thus becomes a bridge between life and death. Lord Shiva springs to mind. I

ponder about not finding your path in life and surmise that this substance might help people find the

connection between all aspects of the physical realm that they inhabit, and their ethereal bodies. I’m

not getting much information here. I remember the crow’s nest, they build high nests, why so high in

the tree? And it is so untidy, there are rough twigs all together. But he’s a tough hardy bird, no

sentiment. His life is about survival, food and needing a nest. He’s clever and resourceful. My printer

which is OFF suddenly springs into life! The lights in the room go on and off several times. I wonder if H's

friend will give her a commission when we all start going to her shop and buying the bracelets, a grubby

thought. Commerce, money etc. I do not especially desire those bracelets myself but wanted to touch

them. Maybe I will invent new hieroglyphs? At the moment every clock in the house is either not

50

working or wrong or something strange with it. D. is doing C1-2 here with us which gives an extra

vibration. We are again two and two at the table. If A comes she can only go round the edge. D's

scraping is satisfyingly discordant. Stuck to a pierced dead bird, like the one someone shot for us and left

to warn the others not to come after the hens. Magical thinking, I would like a crow to tap at the

window right now, but it is night. I make a huge noise when scraping. To give in order to give. To receive

in order to receive. To take because I cannot give. To receive in order to be able to give. Things are like

this, but they can change. Seeing without needing to speak. RG had been adamant about leaving at a

certain time today and then on the way back had been in front of an accident, as she is clairvoyant she

usually senses such things and protects herself, but I wonder if she had an appointment with this? With

death. A. says write this down and I do but I do not think it is connected, but perhaps it might be. Who

knows? J. is staying here but not part of the trituration. She had a dream last night where someone was

at a doorway and tripped her up so she fell into it. Then he asked if she liked it. I cannot come to that

doorway now. I want to see the shadow this weekend- we are having a constellations work shop here -

but is that related to crow? As I put the mixed C-0 into my bowl with some sac-lac I can see tiny specs or

filaments. They look black like the legs of some ants or antennas of some insects. Only 5 min. have

passed but it seems ages that I have been going over the filaments and they are very resistant. I keep

thinking about insects and creepy crawlies are not my things! A ladybird, ha, ha, ha...That could explain

the tiny feet of yesterday and all the burning and itching. Seeing a chest with African sculpture on the

side, a great desire to fly away and go overland comes to mind. Able to see through forms into the

insides i.e. like X-rays see skeletons. Fascinated with light and reflections. Shadows equally

important. Beauty of light and dark. Dark is nicely shocking! Acceptance - abiding by nature’s laws not

man's. Seeing the good in everything. Keeping one’s own counsel and wisdom. I hear the wind whistling

and feel the smells of freshness in the air. That evening I paint Crow flying high over wild, open land,

looking down at its reflection in the lake waters below. I make a bundle and bury the remains of the

feather. This is the Paradox of Contraries, Control / No Control. In reconciliation I walk my path looking

through from the other side. Crows are black. What might a crow “victim” feel like? – perhaps they

might feel the crow was like the “Grim Reaper”. Crows feed on carrion, that’s like us humans. We feed

on dead animal too. I wonder if we ingest the wisdom or characteristics of the things we eat. Does the

crow do this?