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Share Your Story Underwriting ~ Opportunity Do you have an article or story to share? We are always looking for articles that inspire hope, help and comfort to the bereaved. Email us at: [email protected] Each month, the HOPELine is sent to 1,200 families throughout Central New York and the United States. If you would like to underwrite the cost of the HOPELine for a specific month, please contact Pat Kriesel at HOPE at 315-475 -HOPE(4673). It costs $450 to underwrite the newsletter. Your donation will fund 100% of the expense of a newsletter for a month. You may include a special dedication to your loved one. Thank you for supporting the HOPELine! Celebrating 41 Years of HOPE Our goal, in this 41st year, is to expand our support, services and outreach to the bereaved with emphasis on helping grieving youth, and to financially solidify HOPE for decades to come. HOPELine February 2020 Issue A monthly newsletter of HOPE FOR BEREAVED, a not-for-profit community organization providing hope, support and services for the bereaved. Please visit our web- site to view our video Celebrating 40 Years of HOPE! www.hopeforbereaved.com You can access so much information on our website: upcoming events, support groups, one on one counseling, purchase HOPE books, bricks for memorials at the Butterfly Garden of HOPE, read, print and share current and past editions of the HOPELine newsletter … and so much more! The purpose of this newsletter is to help those who have experienced the death of a loved one. Each month, we share information and ideas from bereaved people and professionals to help you through your grief journey. Please know you are not alone. HOPE is here to help you. To talk with a compassionate, caring professional, please call us today at 315-475-HOPE (4673). Our Feature Articles Page “Attitude of Gratitude 1 Marking Milestones 2 What Mourners Long to Tell 3-4 Grief is Like a Snowflake 4 From the Executive Director 5-6 Love Mark 7-8 Address Book 9-10 HOPE Calendar 11 “Attitude of Gratitude” For Christmas I received a bracelet with this important message to remind me to have an “Attitude of Gratitude”. I also discovered a journal on “Daily Gratitude”. A page with the following quote caught my attention … “it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich”. The thoughtful piece “A Gift of Grief” illustrates that even though we are grieving we can have an attitude of gratitude for the life of our loved one. In the acknowledgments article in HOPE’s book I offered my everlasting gratitude to our daughter Mary for enriching my life and continuing to enrich it. After her death I eventually learned to more fully appreciate life and the people in my life; to share my grief as well as my joy. As devastated as I felt I was determined that something good must come out of her tragic death. Mary gave me courage to carry on because life as she lived it, was always full of HOPE and gratitude.

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Page 1: HOPELine - HOPE for bereaved · Grief is Like a Snowflake 4 From the Executive Director 5-6 Love Mark 7-8 Address Book 9-10 HOPE Calendar 11 “Attitude of Gratitude” For Christmas

Share Your Story

Underwriting ~ Opportunity

Do you have an article or story to share? We

are always looking for articles that inspire

hope, help and comfort to the bereaved. Email

us at: [email protected]

Each month, the HOPELine is sent to 1,200

families throughout Central New York and the

United States. If you would like to underwrite

the cost of the HOPELine for a specific month,

please contact Pat Kriesel at HOPE at 315-475

-HOPE(4673). It costs $450 to underwrite the

newsletter. Your donation will fund 100% of

the expense of a newsletter for a month. You

may include a special dedication to your loved

one.

Thank you for supporting the HOPELine!

Celebrating 41 Years of HOPE Our goal, in this 41st year, is to expand our support, services and outreach to the bereaved with

emphasis on helping grieving youth, and to financially solidify HOPE for decades to come.

HOPELine February 2020 Issue

A monthly newsletter of HOPE FOR BEREAVED, a not-for-profit community organization

providing hope, support and services for the bereaved.

Please visit our web-

site to view our video

Celebrating 40

Years of HOPE! www.hopeforbereaved.com

You can access so much

information on our website:

upcoming events, support

groups, one on one

counseling, purchase HOPE

books, bricks for memorials

at the Butterfly Garden of

HOPE, read, print and share

current and past editions of

the HOPELine newsletter …

and so much more!

The purpose of this newsletter is to help those

who have experienced the death of a loved one.

Each month, we share information and ideas from

bereaved people and professionals to help you

through your grief journey. Please know you are

not alone. HOPE is here to help you. To talk

with a compassionate, caring professional, please

call us today at 315-475-HOPE (4673).

Our Feature Articles Page “Attitude of Gratitude 1 Marking Milestones 2 What Mourners Long to Tell 3-4 Grief is Like a Snowflake 4 From the Executive Director 5-6 Love Mark 7-8 Address Book 9-10 HOPE Calendar 11

“Attitude of Gratitude”

For Christmas I received a bracelet with this important message to remind me to have an “Attitude of Gratitude”. I also discovered a journal on “Daily Gratitude”. A page with the following quote caught my attention … “it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich”.

The thoughtful piece “A Gift of Grief” illustrates that even though we are grieving we can have an attitude of gratitude for the life of our loved one.

In the acknowledgments article in HOPE’s book I offered my everlasting gratitude to our daughter Mary for enriching my life and continuing to enrich it. After her death I eventually learned to more fully appreciate life and the people in my life; to share my grief as well as my joy. As devastated as I felt I was determined that something good must come out of her tragic death. Mary gave me courage to carry on because life as she lived it, was always full of HOPE and gratitude.

Page 2: HOPELine - HOPE for bereaved · Grief is Like a Snowflake 4 From the Executive Director 5-6 Love Mark 7-8 Address Book 9-10 HOPE Calendar 11 “Attitude of Gratitude” For Christmas

HOPELINE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2020 PAGE 2

Marking Milestones By: Leandra Walker

We humans tend to measure our days by predictable events. Holidays like Easter or

Passover, special family days like birthdays and anniversaries. Something as personal as "we

always went to the beach on THAT weekend." Or something as nationally recognized such as

Independence Day - picnics & fireworks together.

When your loved one dies, those days can be misery. Or they can be a healing re-

minder of all the wonderful things you shared. It depends on how you plan to face them.

My first difficult milestone was Thanksgiving, shortly after John's memorial service. I

had to find some way to get through the holiday with some semblance of grace. Sorry to say,

I didn't handle it well. I cried on my way to my family celebration, and cried harder on my

way to my in-laws. It was then that I realized that "business as usual" wasn't going to cut it.

The first time through the year without a partner, every significant day is like a knife

wound. You know your own style best, but here are some suggestions to help get you

through.

Holidays: Take a break from them if you can. Let family know you aren't up to

"celebrating" this year. Make plans to do something entirely different from the way you

shared the day with your partner, something you find enjoyable. Visit a museum, the zoo, go

shopping, go out instead of dinner at home, whatever will make you feel "in charge" and

keep the calendar at bay.

Your Birthday: This was a tough one for me. I spent my birthday with friends who did-

n't know it was my birthday. We had a big dinner and good conversation and I was able to

lose myself in the day.

One young widow threw herself a party, invited only her closest girlfriends and they

took turns giving each other makeovers. OR you could buy something special for yourself

and know your partner is watching and approving.

HIS/HER Birthday: This is worse yet. I dreaded it for weeks. Finally, I decided to send

John's mother flowers and when she called me, we talked for hours about the good times.

That evening, I attended a spiritual discussion group where everyone KNEW it was a tough

day and they supported me and didn't mind my tears. Being around people who love you

and take care of you is a great way to get through a tough day.

For parents, a grief counselor suggested having a party for your spouse that you and

your kids can enjoy. A special meal, your partner's photo at the place of honor, a cake with

candles the kids can blow out. For older kids, this may be a good time to present them with

special keepsakes that belonged to the missing parent. This also gives you a chance to share

both your grief and your memories with your children -- they are grieving too, and it's very

healing to let them see that, however much you miss someone you love, life continues and

that person is always in your heart.

For more helpful information, please visit www.beyondindigo.com.

Page 3: HOPELine - HOPE for bereaved · Grief is Like a Snowflake 4 From the Executive Director 5-6 Love Mark 7-8 Address Book 9-10 HOPE Calendar 11 “Attitude of Gratitude” For Christmas

HOPELINE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2020 PAGE 3

What Mourners Long to Tell Others

Dear Friend and Potential Comforter,

Perhaps you have noticed my watery,

red-rimmed eyes. Maybe you’ve missed me and

wonder where I’ve been lately. Is my downcast

appearance a giveaway? Or is it my forced

personality that clued you in? Yes, it is sorrow.

Intense grief. It originated from loss, loss of

someone dearly loved.

What you see on the outside is just a fraction of the turmoil going on in the

inside. Inside I am a crumpled heap on the floor. In an instant, everything

changed. The plans I had for the future have been obliterated; the past has disap-

peared in pain. Surviving another minute seems impossible. My world is no

longer safe. I realize I’m not in control. I don’t know who is.

The one thing I do know is how uncomfortable I make you feel. Some peo-

ple can’t handle this and I won’t see them again. Some people try for a while, but

it’s hard and they have their own life. It takes a special person to walk with the

grieving. Being able to be my friend through all this is one part love, one part

God’s wisdom, and a hefty dose of perseverance. And it may take more than one

of you.

So, what do I need while I walk this mourning road? I probably won’t be

able to communicate that to you. Sometimes I don’t know. There are a few

constants, though. I need to know that you love me, that God loves me, that I can

love again.

I need to feel safe; safe physically, safe emotionally, safe spiritually. I feel

alone and that is not safe. When I am with you I need to be able to express

myself without feeling judged, be able to cry with you, be angry and mad

without scaring you. I need to process my loss and not received spiritual clichés

in response. In grief, I can see right through them and they hurt.

Continued on Page 4

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2020 PAGE 4

What Mourners Long to Tell Others … Continued from Page 3

I need prayer. Please pray for me and with me. Sometimes I can’t pray on

my own. I may be made at God. Don’t let that worry you; God is big enough to

handle it. He does not reject me in my grief. But knowing that someone is pray-

ing for me is a big help and I can feel it.

Thank you for being there for me when it is hard. I won’t always be like

this. You may need to tell that to me, actually. I won’t always feel so bad. And

one day our crying together will change to laughing together. One day I will

again feel joy, even while I feel sorrow. One day I will again be able to stand, even

while in pain. One day, I will again be able to feel alive.

Thank you my friend!

Thanks to Desiree Harless of the Gateway Church in Southlake, Texas

for granting HOPE permission to use her wonderful article.

Grief is like a snowflake.

Sometimes it comes one flake at a time;

other times, it comes like a blizzard.

It melts away, but it always comes back.

Just as each snowflake is unique,

each person experiences grief

in their own unique way. ~ Julia Cook

Page 5: HOPELine - HOPE for bereaved · Grief is Like a Snowflake 4 From the Executive Director 5-6 Love Mark 7-8 Address Book 9-10 HOPE Calendar 11 “Attitude of Gratitude” For Christmas

HOPELINE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2020 PAGE 5

From the Executive Director Therese S. Schoeneck Entering our 41st Year! February 2020

Valentine’s Day Another holiday looms on the horizon. There are ads on TV and in the paper suggesting thoughtful ways to remember your valentine… if only we could. After a loved one dies you may dread the day.

It may help to make plans to honor your loved one in a special way — light a candle and place it with a flower near your loved one’s picture… spend the day or dinner with an understanding friend… donate to a food bank in their memory… volunteer to serve a meal to the homeless… visit a nursing home… find a peaceful place to talk to your loved one, tell them you love them and ask for their help on this special day.

REMEMBER NOT ONLY WHAT YOU LOST BUT LET YOUR HEART BE WARMED ALSO BY WHAT YOU HAD.

“Special Thanks to...”

Walt Stein and Patricia Kriesel for working with Clear Path for Veterans & National Council of Negro Women on behalf of our Wrapsody fundraiser. It is a 5 month project of planning, obtaining volunteers, purchasing sup-

plies, scheduling & wrapping.

Bob Kriesel for doing a fantastic job overseeing, setting up, moving supplies & spending many long hours to make our annual Holiday Gift Wrap at Destiny USA a huge success!

Our Thanks to all our outstanding “Wrapsody” volunteers! Their commitment and hard work were es-sential to our success. HOPE’s share of the net proceeds was over $5,000 plus $3,000 in tips for jobs well done!

Chris Beattie added her great decorating touch to HOPE’s front entrance with help from Marv Hahn and the GE Elfun Volunteers.

All HOPE’s Volunteers who worked so tirelessly to collate our year end mailing of 6,500 pieces

John Reason and Walt Stein, Margaret Sherwin, Carolyn Gorsuch for serving on our “Coping with the Holidays” panel.

HOPE’S Wish List!!!

Coffee (Reg. & Decaf)

Postage Stamps

Bottled water by the case

Packaged cookies (no nuts)

Paper plates

Storage Bags (all sizes)

Paper Towels

New Huggable Teddy Bears

Flash Drives

Liquid Hand Soap

Freezer Bags

Napkins

Toilet paper

Trash bags (13-30 Gal.)

Tissues (square box if possible)

Candy for the lobby

HOPE IS BLESSED!

2019 was a challenging year due to the increased requests for one-on-one counseling and school and work-place workshops. Donations truly make a difference for HOPE and for the bereaved who turn to us. It is heartwarming to hear that “HOPE saved my/our life.”

Outstanding efforts by our Volunteers really make a difference. This was especially evident this past year. We could not accomplish all that we do or help the bereaved without their help and dedication.

RE-GIFT TO HOPE Whenever you receive gifts that you

either don’t want, don’t need, or

don’t like, please re-gift those un-

wanted new & non-perishable

items and we will store them as the

beginning of our silent auction items for our

Celebration of HOPE 2020.

In our thoughts and prayers ~ Please keep Christy Dannible, Kathy Spencer, Rita Stein, Beth Putnam, Christine Hart, Dave Klem, Lanie Moses, Ann Emond &

Kevan and their families in your prayers for good health.

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2020 PAGE 6

Remember when you shop AMAZON use AMAZON SMILE and choose HOPE for Bereaved - the Amazon Smile Foundation donates back .05% of your purchase

price on eligible products to HOPE!https://smile.amazon.com/

Special thanks to Adam Weitsman for his spectacular live auction World Series 2020 donation. This prompted us to hold online pre-bidding of all our great live auction items. It was exciting and helped to raise twice the funds. We plan to add this to our 2020 Celebration.

~~~~~~~ Celebration of HOPE Report

Funds raised at the Celebration of HOPE 2019 provide almost 1/3 of HOPE’s annual income. We are extremely grateful to everyone who attended, donated, sponsored, hosted a table or purchased silent/live auction items, placed an ad or memorial in the program or served on the committee.

Thank you!

NOTES To HOPE at Year End: “Please find the enclosed check in support of the good work HOPE carries out all the time!

Thank You!”

“My wife died in 2018. I had a couple of sessions with a wonderful counselor named Chris who helped me out so much! Keep up the good work!”

“Thanks so much for your service to the grieving community. My wife and I learned very much from the suicide group. Enclosed is a small token of our appreciation.”

“As long as we can love each other, and

remember the feeling of love we had, we can die

without ever really going away. All the love you

created is still there. All the memories are still

there. You live on - in the hearts of everyone you

have touched and nurtured while you were here. -

Morrie”

~~~ Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2020 PAGE 7

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2020 PAGE 8

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2020 PAGE 9

Address Book By: Mary Rondeau Westra, White Bear Lake, MN

Early in the morning of Sunday, July 8, 2001, the sheriff and chaplain drove up to our house. The chaplain told us through the screen door that bouncers in Atlantic City had kicked our twenty-four year old son Peter to death. When they came in, they asked for my ad-

dress book. “In the kitchen ... second drawer from the door … on the left,” I managed to blurt out while

clinging to my husband. Somehow, without conscious thought, I came up with the right names, the names of nearby friends who were home and who came immediately. Then the sheriff and the chaplain left.

The address book also went away. Friends took it to call other friends. Useful that first week, it has taken on a new significance in the five years since.

I feel a little like my address book these days. Worn out around the edges, smudged, sometimes difficult to read, cluttered with outdated information, yet full of treasured memories. My life is no longer tidy. The death of your child drives a stake through life making forever the before … and after. Nothing is, or ever will be, quite the same. The five years since that event have been a squiggly line of then … and now.

Most every page of the book is now a mess. It is no longer neat or even alphabetized. I simply have not been able to keep up with the changes in names and address of friends. I have erased fair-weather friends, who could not bear our grief and have since grown distant. I have added some friends, mostly bereaved themselves, with whom we have developed kinships. New also are about a dozen of Peter’s friends, often erased and rewritten with their frequent relocations. Next to many of the names, I have scribbled info I want to retain: When was the baby born? When is the anniversary of the wedding … or of the death? Did I send a holiday greeting? (I have sent few of these the past four years). Did we receive holiday greetings?

Peter’s friends link then and now. Many came from all parts of the country at the time of his death, some have come since, and we visit them when we travel. We have served as host couple at their weddings, become godparents for their children and one couple named their baby Peter. Through these friends, we have learned volumes about our grown son who moved away at age eighteen. These contacts will wane with time, we realize, but meanwhile we cherish the glimpses into their lives that give us hints about what our would-be twenty-nine year old son might be doing today.

As one must, I too have re-invented life in the wake of Peter’s death. Then, I was work-ing full-time, thankful for the numbing routine, and a bit fearful of staying home alone. I lost heart in my profession, and, faced with long judicial processes in another state, I was fortunate to be able to retire early. Now, I fill my days with quieter activities of gardening, biking and

Continued on Page 10

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2020 PAGE 10

Address Book … Continued from Page 9

birding. I used to make extraordinary efforts to stay in touch with many old friends, frantically seeking validation that my son had lived and had mattered, that I was indeed still living, and that I was an okay mom in spite of Peter’s tragic death. However, I have gradually let go of those who did not respond and those who seemed to be saying, “Isn’t she over it yet? Are they back to nor-mal yet?” I am more selective now, taking care of myself yet trying to be a more sensitive and lov-ing companion to friends in crisis. Helping others gets my mind off myself and makes me feel like good can come from a sad experience.

After five years, the ache of longing is still present but gentler. I do not always listen to sad music. Silence is all right. My husband and I are kinder with each other. We pay more attention to our surviving daughters. I pray more. I can look at a young man on a park bench with dark hair and wire-rim glasses, resting big hands on his knees and listening to a headset. I can stare at him, will him to look at me, and think merely how much he resembles my son with-out shedding tears of why oh why isn’t he Peter? Of course, my eyes sometimes still water, but rivulets do not as often stream down my cheeks.

Now I understand grief to be a timeless process of letting go of the anger, the trauma, and the pain of my son’s sudden death. It is getting back to before in new ways, remembering the joy that Peter gave us for twenty-four years. Now I look at pictures of Peter and feel myself smile right along with him. I burst with pride as though he were still alive. I constantly sense his enthusiasm for life and tackle my own projects with renewed energy he left behind for me. Most-ly I feel quietly resigned: something happened over which none of us had any control and there was nothing I could have done to prevent my son’s death. I will always be the victim of a senseless crime but I do not have to behave like one.

Still I cannot part with the address book. On the “P-Q” page is Peter, my son. There, preserved for history, are his work and home addresses, college email address, phone numbers for his London office and his cell phone. I like to look at them. They probably would not work any longer, but I do not want to scratch them out. I do not want to forget them.

Eventually I will replace my address book. It is just an object, after all, not all that important. I will probably choose one this time with birds on the cover, more my current world than Monet’s garden. I will be reorganized so I will be better prepared to send the notes or make the calls on significant dates when friends are celebrating ... or hurting.

Nevertheless, when I bring it home, I will take a moment first to write in Peter’s name, his addresses, and every one of his phone numbers. I will not forget. And I will feel good for keeping him in my book.

Mary Rondeau Westra, Author

Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publications, Inc.

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2020 PAGE 11

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4500 Onondaga Blvd. Syracuse, NY 13219

Electronic Service Requested

Non-Profit Org. U.S. Postage

PAID Syracuse, NY

Permit NO. 713

FEBRUARY 2020

The need for “HOPE” today and in the future.

A reporter asked “How do you all keep doing this ~ listening to people’s

pain?” We understand their pain because we have lived that pain. We

know that with help they can get to a better place. For all of us “paying it

forward” is important.

It is rewarding to hear the bereaved reflect on how helpful, even

lifesaving, HOPE is.

Periodically we will share stories from those who have been helped by

HOPE. They inspire us to continue to serve and support the bereaved.

HOPE truly makes a positive difference for the bereaved.

It has been 8 years since our oldest son died as a result of suicide. HOPE for

Bereaved has been a part of our lives since then.

I began attending the Suicide Support Group. In the 1st and 2nd year it was so hard.

The group supported me through all my tears and stories of my son.

The 3rd and 4th year, I became more verbally involved in the group. I began

volunteering and through this began to witness all the good work HOPE does.

As the 5th and 6th years passed, I looked forward to the support group and was

hoping to help others.

It has now been 8 years, I consider HOPE my dear friends who have helped me get to

this point of inner peace.

I continue to volunteer for HOPE. HOPE is such a wonderful and caring organization. The many

different support groups and individual sessions at HOPE continue to provide comfort and support to so

many as they journey from grief to HOPE. … Dannalee

Can you imagine a future without HOPE?