how assertive are you?

Building Great Relationships!Pt 1: Assertiveness & Self-Esteem

(a sample only)

all rights reserved Harley Mind Matters & PSi Partnerships Ltd. 2009


Great relationships, like great careers, do not happen by themselves. Assertiveness and good self-esteem are necessary building blocks, alongside others!

• Improving your self-esteem & assertiveness• Anticipating your relationship trouble spots and

strengths• Managing your negative emotional “triggers” & self-

limiting reactions* • Developing emotional mastery* • Being a persuasive communicator & motivator*• Mediating & solving problems • Building more trust and strengthening bonds*• Recovering from bad experiences• Developing these skills in others* within of the Self-Driving School with Emotional Intelligence


What’s Important For Great Relationships

Assertiveness is linked to healthy self-esteem.

They are equally important for good communication.


..Assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. It’s about how people deal with personal boundaries - their own and those of other people.



Outcomes change drastically depending upon the style adopted – it can be the difference between prosperity and decline.

“A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.” (Wikipedia)


Complete either the questionnaire (see handout) or the following self-statements (mostly yes – somewhat – mostly no)

(1 for home & 1 for work):

- I feel free to & can express my feelings, thoughts, & desires in a diplomatic way.

- I know my rights and easily defend them.

- I have control over my emotions but I do not repress my feelings.

-I control my emotions for a moment and then talk about them later in a reasoning manner, in

order to find solutions.

- I feel good about myself.

- Other people know how to deal with me and know where they stand with me.

- Other people who know me well would say I am (please select one):

assertive / assertive most of the time / passive more than assertive / aggressive more than assertive


Self-Knowledge


Does your assertiveness differ between home and work?


Self-Knowledge



Pick an important role model that you have learned from:

- 1 from work.

- 1 from your personal life or in the public domain.

Questions


1. What is it that you most admire about them?

2. What can you emulate from them?

“If you know yourself and know your enemy you need not fear a thousand battles.”

(Sun Tzu, The Art of War, c.300BC)


Discuss


Pick the person on either side of you to discuss these influential role models and explore how to learn from them together.

What did you learn about relationships growing up? Complete the handout or think of the following:


1. Pick 3 key people from your childhood e.g. mother; father; other role models: how did they communicate with you; with others around you?

2. How has this affected your assertiveness and self-esteem?

3. Who has had the biggest impact on you (positive and negative)?

4. Were your family experiences generally happy or upsetting; rewarding or punishing; stable or chaotic?


Now Then!

How would you describe your own key relationships right now?

At Home At Work

- Generally happy.

- Generally unhappy.

- Unpredictable.

- Up & down but ok.

- Up & down, not ok.


Your Basic Rights Exercise:

Everyone has the same basic rights. Think about each in turn (see the handout); put a mark against those which you have personal difficulty in accepting for yourself. Think too, about context. For example, you may find it easy to ask for what you want in most circumstances – of your boss, subordinates and friends – but have difficulty in requesting what you want from your partner, parents or children. Or it could be that you find change threatening rather than challenging. Although it is everyone’s right to change and develop, there could be parts of you holding back; or conversely in allowing others to stunt your development.Some BR Examples:

- to decide how to spend my time

- to be listened to and taken seriously

- to be the judge of my own worth

- to say ‘No’ without feeling guilty

- to say ‘Yes’ for myself without feeling selfish

- to be me; not the person others want me to be all rights reserved Harley Mind Matters & PSi Partnerships Ltd. 2009

To decide where you have more difficulty with being assertive, look at the situations on the next page and make note of the ones when you have problems. Note where and with whom these arise: at home, at work, with elders or superiors, with friends, in social situations or in dealing with the day-to-day matters such as shopping, doctors' appointments, parents' meetings, loan applications, etc.


Typical Difficult Situations

Rate yourself on ease of handling the following:

(good – some difficulty – difficult, will do!)

• express praise and affection openly

• give vent to negative feelings

• refuse requests and invitations

• show anger

• give a personal opinion

• complain

• ask for help



Pick the one that seems to recur in your life that you find difficult to believe in (at work or home). Discuss with your break out partner how you usually respond and then how you could respond differently.

Role-play this with your break out partner.

Now mark with an ‘x’ where you consider yourself to be on the following assertiveness scales:


Passive Assertive Aggressive

A. Work


B. Home


“In today’s complex and fast-moving environment, what we need even more than foresight or hindsight is insight.”

Give this one to a close colleague, friend or loved one. Ask them to mark with an ‘x’ where they consider you to be on the same assertiveness scales:



A. Work


B. Home


Don’t push my buttons!

We all have preferred styles for different situations - passive with loved ones and assertive at work for example; or aggressive/sullen with certain people who just “push my buttons”.


Think of a time within the last 12 months where you felt your buttons being pushed. How did you react to this? (circle one): got angry / got stroppy / went silent / withdrew / explained reasonably to the person(s) how you felt / questioned yourself - maybe you were just tired or being unreasonable / dismissed the other person from your mind / other


Think of 2 people that you admire or are admired by many e.g. spiritual or thought leaders. Or they might be your role models previously identified. How would they respond to the same situation?



A. Break out in pairs to discuss why your reactions differ from others.

B. Role-play having your buttons pushed and responding differently.

• Write down what you have learned from your family about being assertive; and the impact on your self-esteem (+/-).

• Write down what you have learned from your peers or colleagues about being assertive and the impact on your self-esteem (+/-).

• Write down the differences that exist between your work & home assertiveness and self-esteem (+/-).



Stepping out of your comfort zone:

- Decide what you would like to stop doing.

- Decide what you would like to do more of?

(and pick a person to memorise who represents each)

It would be nice to always be assertive and to get what we want, but we live in a world with other people, all of whom have their own needs, desires and wants.

It is not always possible or appropriate to be assertive.


Passive and Aggressive behaviours are not necessarily bad.


Finding out that a subordinate’s poor performance at work relates to their suffering from chronic stress or because of a severely ill loved one, for example, needs a more passive approach.


Hearing a subordinate make racist or sexist jokes requires a more aggressive approach, with the threat of dismissal if repeated.



Tip #1


Have a positive outlook on life and a sense of your own self worth but be clear about your rights and responsibilities.


Tip #2

Constantly striving to live up to some unattainable ideal will only make you feel inadequate, and get in the way of your real goals. Real success takes many forms.

If, as a child, you were regularly criticised at home or at school, you may doubt your value as a human being and have a negative perspective. Women in particular are vulnerable to a negative self-image because of media pressures on them to be perfect: have the perfect weight, perfect skin, perfect hair, etc.



Tip #3


Make a list of the ten things you like most about your home and your work. This will put you on the road to training yourself to look for the positive aspects in your life as it is now.


Tip #4


Recognise the “dirty tricks” when others are in aggressive mode that trip you up. Some typical “dirty tricks” are:

• put-downs and insults (you’re such a …)

• nagging (please stop talking...)

• exaggerating (always / never statements...)

• vague language (this might be ok...)

• blaming (you only have yourself to blame...)

• unwanted advice (why don’t you just...)

• undermining (you’re not really that experienced...)

• boxing you in (what are you plans this evening?)


Tip #5


Learn how to deal with unfair criticism (e.g. dirty tricks). Know your own strengths and weaknesses. Reality checkers are really helpful here:

• Am I worse than others? (if so how much?) • Is this the case all of the time? (if not, when?) • Would most people agree with this? (who would disagree with this?) • Is there evidence to the contrary? (what about times when ..)


Tip #6


Constructive criticism is designed to help and not undermine you; it is specific, not just about “you”. Recognise constructive criticism and use it to grow!


This forms only part of a training & coaching module for developing assertiveness and self-esteem. It is available in full or as part of Emotional Intelligence for Leaders learning and development.

Thank you for visiting


“Each morning we are born again.”

(Buddha)


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how assertive are you?

Documents

basic rights exercise

assertiveness selfesteem

selfesteem assertiveness

great relationships

key relationships

key people

great careers

healthy selfesteem