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How to be an Emotionally Intelligent Parent

Three skills that will transform your relationship with your child

By Gary Gilles, MA, LCPC


©2012 by Gary Gilles garygilles.com

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Contents ...................................................................................................................... 2 Section 1 – Getting Started

Why should you consider being an emotionally intelligent parent? ........................................................ 2

What is emotional intelligence? ............................................................................................................... 2

Why emotional intelligence may be more important than mental intelligence ...................................... 3

Having emotional intelligence makes life more satisfying ....................................................................... 4

Children who are emotionally intelligent: ................................................................................................ 5

Your influence as a parent ........................................................................................................................ 6

....................................................................... 7 Section 2: Model emotional awareness for your child

Focus primarily on emotion and not behavior ......................................................................................... 7

Name the feeling ....................................................................................................................................... 8

The importance of naming feelings .......................................................................................................... 9

Put your feelings into words ................................................................................................................... 11

Feelings can be understood and shared ................................................................................................. 12

Powerful principles modeled .................................................................................................................. 13

...................................................................... 15 Section 3: Help your child identify his or her feelings

Look for opportunities to help identify feelings ..................................................................................... 15

Emotion is internal not external ............................................................................................................. 16

Avoid the “why” and get to the “what” .................................................................................................. 18

.......................... 20 Section 4: Listen to your child’s emotional messages from their point of view

Perspective, feelings and validation ....................................................................................................... 20

Listening to your child’s perspective ...................................................................................................... 20

Probe for feelings .................................................................................................................................... 21

Validating the emotion ........................................................................................................................... 22

The relationship is the real issue ............................................................................................................ 23

Listen for the emotion behind the words ............................................................................................... 24

Strengthening the relationship through practice ................................................................................... 24

About the author ..................................................................................................................................... 25

Note to reader: You may freely print or pass this e-book on to anyone you wish as long as the e-book

stays intact as written. ©Copyright 2012, Gary Gilles. All rights reserved.



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Section 1 – Getting Started

Why should you consider being an emotionally intelligent

parent?

First, it will change you from the inside out by helping you make more

sense of your feelings.

Second, it will give you and your child an amazing ability to develop a

healthy, secure relationship with each other.

Third, it teaches your child the skills they need in order to have meaningful

relationships with other people the rest of their lives.

Most of us have heard the term “emotional intelligence.” But, in talking with

people about the topic I’ve found that few can actually define emotional

intelligence. So, let’s start with that.

What is emotional intelligence? To be an emotionally intelligent person you need to exhibit two qualities on a

consistent basis.

First, you need to be able to make sense of and express your OWN emotion to

another person in a clear and understandable way.

Second, you need to be able to accurately read the emotional cues that another

person gives (both verbal and non-verbal cues) and then validate those feelings.

Sounds easy, but it’s not; especially when you are attempting to do this

consistently with your child. It takes a conscious and deliberate effort to apply

certain skills on a daily basis to become an emotionally intelligent parent. But with

practice, it could transform your home life.



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Why emotional intelligence may be more important than

mental intelligence

Studies have shown that only about 20% of what makes people “successful” in life is attributed to their mental intelligence or what they learn in an academic environment. The other 80% is largely focused on the qualities related to emotional intelligence or how we manage our own emotion and respond sensitively to the feelings of others.

Being intellectually smart does not always translate into being emotionally or relationally smart. For example, just because someone has an academic degree or professional credentials doesn’t mean that person is good at building and maintaining meaningful relationships. At the same time, you probably know several individuals who don’t have advanced degrees and esteemed credentials but have an easy way with people, are well liked and have many rich relationships.

Emotional intelligence is not learned in school. It is learned through interaction with people. The best teachers of emotional intelligence are ones who understand themselves and work hard to understand others.

Types of Intelligence

Academic Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence



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But, let me be quick to say that our emphasis here on emotional intelligence in no way is intended to downplay the importance of academics. We all want our kids to get good grades, do well on the ACT, attend a fine college, land a secure job and sustain a satisfying career. But this traditional pathway to “success” is only part of what makes a person truly successful.

Having emotional intelligence makes life more satisfying

I would even say that a person with well-developed emotional intelligence is likely to be more satisfied with his or life than someone who is less emotionally intelligent. The reason: we have an innate need to be in meaningful relationships. Emotionally intelligent people are more capable of developing and maintaining meaningful relationships and therefore have greater overall satisfaction with their lives.

As a parent, you want a close relationship with your child. But, how do you go about developing a close, secure relationship that will carry through childhood and into the more challenging years of junior high and beyond?

The answer is to become an emotionally intelligent parent who models the skills you want to see in your child. With enough encouragement and example, your child will intuitively begin to catch on and live out what he or she sees YOU doing as you interact with them.

Even if you don’t feel like you are an emotionally intelligent parent right now, you can learn. And as you learn, you can build these skills into your child’s life – regardless of how many mistakes you’ve made in the past. It takes practice but it is within your ability to become more emotionally intelligent and see these skills grow in your child.

“Become an emotionally intelligent parent who

models the skills you want to see in your child.”



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Here is what you will see in your child as he or she becomes more emotionally mature:

Children who are emotionally intelligent:

1. Are better at calming themselves when they are upset 2. Tend to have more focused attention 3. Relate better to other people – even in tough situations (teasing, peer

pressure, etc.) 4. Are better at understanding other people and their feelings 5. Have more secure friendships with other children and are able to express

empathy to others 6. Tend to have better grades 7. Are able to delay gratification 8. Are more resilient in the face of difficulty or failure



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Your influence as a parent

As a parent, you have a profound influence on shaping your child’s personality. You do this every day, whether you realize it or not, by the way you interact with him or her.

So, this naturally leads us to the question: How do you build emotional intelligence in your child?

What follows are three practical skills you can begin applying TODAY to become an emotionally intelligent parent and develop these same skills in your child.



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Section 2: Model emotional awareness for your

child

If you want your child to be emotionally intelligent, someone needs to teach them what that means. That someone is YOU. Your most potent means of teaching your child how to be emotionally aware is to model the very attitudes and behaviors you want to see in them.

Focus primarily on emotion and not behavior

The importance I place on emotional awareness might surprise you. But it is critical for building a strong, secure relationship with your child. Much of today’s popular advice to parents ignores the world of emotions. Instead, it relies on child-rearing theories that address children’s misbehavior, but disregard the feelings that underlie that misbehavior.

It is the emotion that is front and center in emotional intelligence. And acting on that awareness is what characterizes you as an emotionally intelligent parent. That doesn’t mean that you ignore your child’s behavior but you tune in to the feelings behind the behavior to understand the root of what is going on. This attunement to the feelings allows you keen insight into how best to intervene in any given situation.

Here’s how you get started.

In order to model emotional awareness for your child you first need to know what YOU are feeling. You must be able to make sense of your own emotion and communicate it effectively before you can help your child to do the same.



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Name the feeling Your starting point is simply to ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” In our fast-paced world, few people take their own emotional pulse on a regular basis to accurately identify their actual emotion. But in order to be an emotionally intelligent parent you need to be able to make sense of your own feelings. The reason why will become clear. Let’s say you awaken one morning and your school-aged child seems particularly grumpy and resistant to your promptings to “hurry up” so as not to miss the bus. The more resistance you get, the more frustrated you become until finally you explode with, “If you miss that bus you are in big trouble. Now get out of here.” As your child slams the door behind them and runs for the bus you have a mix of emotion. Your first impulse is to busy yourself with tasks as a way to distract yourself from the recent confrontation with your child and the emotion that still lingers. But instead, you stop for a moment and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Initially you’re not sure. Here are some possible choices: sad, angry, scared, frustrated, anxious, or perhaps some other emotion? After some thought it seems like a combination of anger and sadness. You are angry at your child for their attitude and defiant behavior. You also feel some sadness over how you responded. You got your message across, but not in the way you would have preferred.



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The importance of naming feelings Why name your emotion? Because naming feelings allows you to make more sense of what’s going on inside you. It helps you distinguish one particular feeling from a whole range of other possible feelings. Once you understand what you are feeling you are then able to communicate that to another person to clarify intentions and sidestep potential misunderstandings. Naming your feelings also helps you to become fully conscious of the present moment in which you are living. You become mindful of your actions and the associations between what you say and do. This integration of thought and behavior enhances your self-awareness and sensitivity to others.

Helplessness

Sadness

Anger Frustration

Anxiety



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Putting a name to your emotion also makes you much more conscious of your bodily sensations. In order to truly “feel” the sensation of anger, sadness, happiness, etc. you have to pay attention to your body. Anger has a very different bodily sensation than excitement or frustration or guilt. When you pay attention to these sensations it helps you to more easily identify future emotional patterns.

Finally, once you are clear on the emotion you are feeling you are in a much better position to take action on it. So, what action might you take if you were to address the angry and sad feelings you have toward your child about the school bus situation just described? First, let yourself feel the emotion in both mind and body. Some people are afraid of doing this. They fear that if they let themselves feel the full weight of a given emotion it will drown them or they won’t be able to rebound. But this is not true. Embracing your feelings is the way to resolve them. Instead of distracting yourself from your feelings or pretending that they aren’t there, accept them. Own them as belonging to you. Sometimes you won’t be able to clearly identify the precise emotion you are feeling. That’s okay. Take your best guess based on what makes the most sense at the time. Don’t be hard on yourself if you find this difficult. Though it sounds easy, it often is not. At this point you are not asking “Why” you are feeling the emotion. You are merely trying to name the emotion to get some clarity on what you are feeling. So, once you have some idea of what you are feeling, the next step is putting your feelings into words. This step is vital to being an emotionally intelligent parent and is where there is a big payoff.



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Put your feelings into words

You can do this in one of several ways. You could write them out in a journal, talk out loud to yourself as if you were practicing a speech, or you could have a real conversation with another person. When you express your emotion through words you are externalizing what is inside. The process of externalizing emotion allows you to be more objective about your feelings and will enhance your ability to make sense of what you are experiencing.

In contrast, when you keep those feelings locked up inside or you try to push them away as if they don’t exist, the feelings tend to get confusing and distorted. What initially seemed like a minor situation gradually starts to look like a major ordeal. That is distortion at work. Distorted feelings that are not shared can quickly create many relational problems that are out of proportion for the situation. It usually forces others to guess at what you might be feeling because you are not verbalizing your emotion or needs. Guessing inevitably leads to miscommunication and assumptions that may not be true.

Feelings that get locked up inside… tend to get confusing and distorted.



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Feelings can be understood and shared

Another very important reason to practice putting your feelings into words, especially in your relationship with your child, is that it sends the message that feelings can be understood and shared. This is a powerful skill to model and one that children will intuitively follow if they are exposed to it on a regular basis.

It may seem to some that I’m stating the obvious when I say that feelings can be “understood and shared.” But it is far from obvious for some people.

Many parents today have grown up in what we call authoritarian homes where they were not allowed or encouraged to identify or express their feelings openly. Instead of having a forum for feelings, opinions and even disagreements that were worked out through discussions, there was a rigid code of authority in the home that had to be obeyed. There was no “talking back.” Children in these homes had to keep their emotion locked up inside themselves because the adults wouldn’t tolerate emotion or didn’t know how to process feelings.

If you grew up in a home like this or one that perhaps was less rigid but equally void of emotional richness, you probably did not have much practice putting your feelings into words. Now, as a parent, you want to break free from that rigidity and create an open environment in your home for the expression of feelings. But, you may not know how.

You don’t have to express your feelings perfectly; but you do need to do it with sensitivity. Yelling, name calling, shaming, put-downs, sarcasm and other one-sided ways to “blow off steam” are not acceptable ways to express your feelings. This kind of “expression” may have been common in the home you grew up in but you injure the relationship with your child when you resort to these methods. If you are prone to spontaneous outbursts, work on making more sense of your own emotion before putting your feelings into words.

Remember, your most potent means of teaching your child is to show them through your example. You want to send the clear message that talking about feelings is not only okay but a healthy way to resolve differences and nurture a close relationship.

http://garygilles.com/blog/the-best-parenting-style-for-a-close-relationship/



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Revisiting the scenario

So, let’s go back to the scenario with the school bus and apply what we’ve learned about putting feelings into words. When your child comes home from school you ask them to sit with you for a few minutes to talk about what happened that morning. You might say, “You probably could tell that I was angry with you this morning before you left for school. I was feeling a lot of push back from you and I didn’t understand why. But after you left I also felt sad about the way I handled my anger. Instead of asking you to explain what was going on for you, I just exploded. I’m sorry for being harsh with you. I want you to help me to understand what you were feeling both before I blew up and after. So, could we talk more about it now?”

Powerful principles modeled

Although this is not the “perfect” response, it is one that reflects emotional intelligence. First, you made sense of your own emotion by naming your feelings and then you took the risk of putting your feelings into words for your child so that she would better understand what was going on with you.



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You’ve just modeled the following principles:

That we each have an inner life where our emotions reside

This inner life can be accessed when we want to make sense of feelings

Feelings can be understood; they need not be mysterious

Feelings can be shared and put into words

Sharing feelings with a trusted person can help repair relational breaks

A restored relationship brings security and encourages more sharing of feelings

But notice that the purpose behind sharing feelings is not to shame or blame the child. Rather, you share your feelings as an invitation to discuss the emotions that both of you are experiencing about the situation. If you do this with sensitivity, you are likely to repair the relational break in a way that strengthens the bond between you.

Think of it this way: when we express our emotion to our children we are inviting them into a more meaningful relationship. We are giving them the experience of emotional intimacy – the very quality that will enable them to have meaningful relationships with others as they grow.

So, begin looking for ways to translate your own feelings into words that your kids can understand and hear.



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Section 3: Help your child identify his or her

feelings

Once you’ve modeled how feelings can and should be shared, you are ready to help your child make sense of his or her own feelings.

You may have noticed that simply asking your child an open-ended question, such as, “What are you feeling?” doesn’t get much of a response. You’re likely to get a vague reply like, “I don’t know” or “Nothing.” School-aged children and even many teens do not know how to respond when asked to translate their feelings into words.

Part of this is related to their limited cognitive and emotional development and part of it is their lack of self-awareness. It’s not that the child is feeling “nothing” but rather he or she doesn’t know how to make sense of what is going on inside. So, they need help to label their emotion and begin to put these feelings into words.

Look for opportunities to help identify feelings You can use everyday situations that occur to help your child identify feelings. For example, you see that your child is noticeably frustrated by a homework assignment. You could say, “I can see that you're feeling frustrated because you're having difficulty with these math problems. I remember how that feels. Learning the rules of math can be tricky, but keep practicing and you'll get it. If you’d like, I can show you a little trick I know that might help."



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When you identify or call out an emotion (in this case frustration) that you see in your child you help them to label that feeling. Over time they will be able to internalize that mental awareness and bodily sensation as frustration. Or it may be anger, or sadness, or another emotion depending on the situation. Just as it takes practice for you to accurately label your feelings, the same is true for your child. But you can give your child a head start by acting as a mirror for the feelings you see in them. You can also prompt your child to name their own emotion. Sometimes the best way to do this is to use non-verbal observations to help your child learn more about their feelings. For example, suppose you and your child are having a disagreement and you can see that she is getting upset. You say, “Are you angry with me?” Your child initially responds with some uncertainty by saying, “I don’t know.” You then add, “Well you seem angry to me. Your voice is tense, your body looks stiff and you’re not making eye contact with me. When I put all of these together, it looks like you’re angry. Are you?” Your child firmly responds with: “Yes, I’m angry. You never let me…” And the conversation continues. Some children will intuitively be able to identify what they are feeling, label it and put their feelings into words. But, this is not the norm. Most children and teens need help to make sense of their emotion.

Emotion is internal not external Most children instinctively try to explain their emotion by pointing to circumstances outside of themselves instead of attempting to identify and label the internal feeling. Here’s an example of what I mean.



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Jimmy, a junior high student, was called on by his English teacher to write some of his homework exercises on the board as a starting point for their discussion that day. Unfortunately, Jimmy didn’t spend much time on his homework the previous night and most of his answers were incorrect. Though the teacher was not hard on Jimmy for his errors, he couldn’t get out of the classroom fast enough when the bell rang. When he got home from school he was withdrawn and barely talked to anyone at dinner. Later that night, Jimmy’s mom came into his room and asked him why he was so quiet. After some guessing and prodding on his mother’s part, Jimmy finally blurted out: “I hate English class.” His mother said, “But you typically like English class and your teacher. Did something happen today in English class that made you upset?” A conversation began to open up about what happened that morning at school. The way Jimmy described it, “His teacher made a fool of him in front of the whole class.” Jimmy is making a classic mistake that many children fall into: he attributes his feeling (in this case embarrassment) to an outside source (his teacher). By taking this approach he is asking the “Why” question: Why am I feeling so badly? Although that is a legitimate question, it is not the most helpful starting point. It would be far better for him to ask, WHAT am I feeling?



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Avoid the “why” and get to the “what” When a child (or adult for that matter) starts with the question, “Why am I feeling the way I do,” it usually leads to more confusion instead of clarity. When we ask “why” we are really wondering if we are justified in feeling the way we do. If Jimmy concludes that his English teacher is just mean, then he feels justified in his anger toward her for embarrassing him in front of the whole class. But, he never gets closer to understanding his actual feelings of embarrassment because he doesn’t have to own his part in how the scene played out. So, let’s go back to the conversation between Jimmy and his mom and see how she could help him make more sense of his feelings. Mom: I can hear that you’re angry with Mrs. Jones for asking you to write your homework on the board. But, that doesn’t seem to be the main emotion you are feeling. Jimmy: What do you mean? Mom: Well, addition to anger, I hear that you feel embarrassed. Jimmy: Of course I do. And it is Mrs. Jones fault for making me feel embarrassed. Mom: Do you think Mrs. Jones called on you to purposely embarrass you in front of the class? Did she know that you hadn’t completed your homework from the night before? Jimmy: I don’t know. (hesitates) Probably not. There was no way she could have known for sure since we hadn’t handed in our homework yet. Mom: Jimmy, it makes a lot of sense to me that you feel upset by what happened today. But it seems like the main issue is not Mrs. Jones but that you felt embarrassed by not having the correct answers to your homework. Jimmy: Yeah, you’re probably right. Mom: So, let’s talk about where to go with it from here…



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Hopefully you can see in this short dialogue how Jimmy’s focus was on blaming his emotion on Mrs. Jones. As long as he attributes his feelings to an external “cause” he never gains the valuable self-awareness that helps him understand the part he played in the outcome. This self-awareness is movement toward becoming more emotionally intelligent. Jimmy’s mother was nurturing this development of emotional intelligence by helping him to identify his emotion as the main issue. She didn’t just say “What are you feeling?” but labeled it for him (embarrassment). This helps him hurdle the often difficult process of naming his own emotion and puts him in quick contact with the real source of his feelings. But notice HOW she labeled the emotion: with empathy and sensitivity. As a result, he was willing to listen and consider another perspective. Children often need help to identify their feelings. Look for everyday situations to help your child name his or her feelings so they can become more aware of those emotions. As their awareness grows, they will be able to use that awareness to help you and others understand them better.

The third and final skill may be the most challenging for you to apply of the three, but it also has the greatest potential to build a secure, trusting relationship with your child.



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Section 4: Listen to your child’s emotional

messages from their point of view

As parents, we are great at giving advice. Unfortunately, our sage counsel is not always what is needed. In fact, we would probably have less conflict with our children if we improved our listening skills. Listening carefully without judgment is hard work, especially if we disagree with our child. But it is possible if you are willing to defer your own perspective while you attend to your child’s. Not only does this send the message that you take your child and their opinion seriously, but it can potentially create a strong relational connection between the two of you.

Perspective, feelings and validation

Here’s what you are trying to do. First, listen to their perspective. Next, probe for feelings. And finally, you work to validate their emotion. Let’s look at each one of these individually and then weave them together.

Listening to your child’s perspective

Listening to your child’s perspective means that you focus your attention exclusively on understanding his or her concerns. This implies that you are making a deliberate decision to NOT share your opinion or counter them in any way while they are explaining their view. This is not easy, especially if they are saying things you disagree with. The tricky part is staying actively engaged in the conversation but resisting the urge to give your perspective.



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Let’s say that you and your teen are discussing their curfew. You want them home by 11 p.m. on a given night and they are pushing for midnight. You could play your parental trump card and say, “I’m the parent and I make the rules. You are home by 11 or you don’t go out.”

Or, you could get their perspective on the issue by saying, “Why is staying out that extra hour important to you?” You may think you already know the answer, but giving your child an opportunity to explain it and taking them seriously goes a long way toward finding a solution you can both live with.

Probe for feelings

Probing for feelings is going beyond perspective-taking and trying to hear the emotion that may be embedded in what your child is saying. The best way to do this is with gentle questions.

Let’s continue the conversation about curfew to illustrate the point. Let’s assume that what you learned from your teen by listening to his perspective is that none of his friends have to be home by 11 p.m. Asking the friends to drop him off so “early” is seen perceived by your child as “childish.”

You could counter this perspective and give some rationale for why you’ve decided on 11 p.m. Or, you could probe for some emotion to better understand what motivates your teen to plead for a later curfew. If you chose to probe, you could say, “Are you afraid your friends will think poorly of you if you have an earlier curfew?” Your teen hesitates, and then says, “My friends already think I’m a wimp because I can’t stay out as long and go to the places they do.”

Can you hear emotion in that response? He feels different than his peers. He wants to fit in. He wants to be liked and esteemed by his friends but fears being seen in a negative light. There is emotion embedded in his request for a longer curfew. This emotion might include feelings of rejection by his friends, frustration at not being able to make his own curfew, anger at being compared to other kids his age, etc. You won’t know for sure until you gently probe to learn more.



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A question such as, “Are you afraid your friends will be upset with you if they have to bring you home early?” could get at some of this emotion.

Validating the emotion

Validating your child’s emotion is simply reflecting back what you hear them say and assigning value to it. It is important that you first reflect back the emotion you hear to show them that you understand the core concerns they have.

To your teen’s concern, you might say, “I hear that coming home early makes you feel different from your friends. I can appreciate how hard that must be for you. I’m glad you explained it to me.”

In validating their emotion you are trying to send the message that what they say matters to you because THEY matter to you. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with their perspective or grant their request.

So, to bring all three of these points (perspective taking, probing and validation) into focus, here is another example that weaves them together.

Let’s say your child really wants a new cell phone they’ve seen advertised. Your immediate response is: “You don’t really want that – it’s too expensive and has more features than you’ll ever use. The phone you have works just fine.” Okay, so that’s YOUR perspective. And you may be completely justified in denying the purchase of this new gadget.



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The relationship is the real issue

But more important than whether to buy the phone or not is the issue of the relationship between you and your child. The core question is: What is your child’s perspective on this issue? She just told you that she wants the phone. So, instead of immediately shutting down the idea, try to step into her perspective and understand her vantage point, even if you think you already know. As an alternative to shutting her down, you could say, “That phone does have some pretty cool features that would be fun to have. Tell me what you like about it.”

Now, some of you may be thinking, “Won’t asking that question increase the child’s desire for the phone and make it more difficult to eventually say no?” It might seem this way on the surface, but our primary focus is not on the phone. It is on the relationship. What you are doing by asking this question is tuning into your child’s feelings. When your child senses that you hear the core message (in this case, “I really want this phone”) probe the feelings to learn more and then validate them in their desire. When you do this you have made an emotional connection that can open the door for some meaningful interaction.

In contrast, when you shut down the idea right away without considering the feelings behind it, you miss an opportunity for meaningful interaction. This oversight can easily lead to conflict because your child perceives that you “don’t care” what they want or need.

Focus on the emotion behind the words to show that you are

really trying to understand your child’s core concerns.



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Listen for the emotion behind the words

The way to avoid much of this conflict is to listen for the emotion behind the words. So, after your child tells you how this phone is going to “change their life,” you still have to break the bad news that you aren’t going to buy it for them. Your response, as an emotionally intelligent parent, should be to validate the emotion.

For example, you could say, “I can see that you really want this phone and would enjoy using all of those features. I appreciate you explaining why it is important to you. But I don’t think we should make this purchase right now (and explain why in more detail). I can tell you are disappointed. And it’s okay to be disappointed. But I would ask you to respect this decision. Perhaps we can look at updating your phone as a birthday gift later in the year. But I can’t promise it will be this phone.”

Can you see how this response validates the feelings (“I can see that you really want this phone”) and (“I can tell you are disappointed”) and done it in a sensitive way without being obligated to grant the request or give in to manipulation?

Strengthening the relationship through practice

Though there is no guarantee that this approach will avoid conflict, it will send the message to your child that their feelings do matter to you. And this has the potential to strengthen your relationship as you continue to practice these same skills in lots of other situations. It will also be a powerful way for you to model emotional sensitivity that they can learn from and apply in their relationships with others.

Being an emotionally intelligent parent is not easy work. But the potential payoff is huge. As you become more aware of your own emotion and learn to put your feelings into words, you model that behavior for your child. As your child becomes more familiar with his or her feelings, they will be able to develop meaningful relationships with others. And listening carefully to your child’s emotion and validating it sends a strong, consistent message that they matter to you. With all of this to gain, the challenge to be an emotionally intelligent parent is well worth the effort.



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About the author

Gary Gilles is passionate about helping people develop and maintain healthy, meaningful relationships. He has expertise in parenting and marriage-related issues and maintains a counseling and relationship coaching practice. He is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) with a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology.

He conducts workshops and training on a number of relationship topics and has hundreds of published articles on health and relationship issues.

Check out his popular blog at www.garygilles.com called Relationship Matters, which offers timely and practical relationship tips.

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