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HOW TO BECOME AN EMPOWERED MUMGETTING TO KNOW YOU CHILD’S TEMPERAMENT

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Intro

Understanding your child’s temperament

Helping your child sleep

How to cope with new environments

Key parenting tips for managing temperament type

Conclusion

1

2

3

4

INTROABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Lizzie O'Halloran is Australia’s pioneer Personal Development coach, with a passion for supporting busy mums and couples to feel happier and healthier as parents and individuals. Lizzie is the Author of Refresh Your Life and Perfect Mum.

In addition to being a professional therapist, speaker and author, Lizzie has represented Australia in International Natural Bodybuilding Association (INBA) Miss Fitness Titles and has helped countless women and couples to take control of issues such as lack of intimacy, self doubt, exhaustion and work place stress.

Follow Lizzie for ongoing inspiration and support on Twitter: @lohalloran72

UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHILD’S

TEMPERAMENT

CHAPTER ONE

THE 3 TEMPERAMENTS

Easy; Slow; Active

All children display aspects of temperament from time to time, however, research shows approximately 65% of children fall into one of three temperament types:

• Easy / Flexible• Slow to Warm Up• Active / Feisty

It’s important to note that each temperament type has it’s own positives and challenges. They are simply descriptive labels to better understand child behaviour.

THE 3 TEMPERAMENTS

Easy; Slow; Active

Temperament describes certain aspects of childhood personality, how children cope in various environments and how they regulate their moods aswell. Temperament has been found to be generally well settled by the time children begin school. Whilst research suggests there is a hereditary component to temperament, not all children within the one family will develop the exact temperament. Thus, if you have more than one child, it’s best to view and understand each child’s temperament individually.

Temperament is based on a range of childhood behaviours, such as:• Activity level • Regularity • Approach/withdrawal • Adaptability • Threshold• Responsiveness• Intensity of reaction• Quality of mood• Distractibility & attention span• Persistence

These measures form the basis of the three temperament types (Easy, Active and Slow to Warm Up) and provide a basis for understanding how your child responds and operates in the world.

• Adapts to change with minimal fuss• Eats and sleep regularly• Accepts frustration without too much stress• Is in a good mood most of the time• Mainly finds it difficult when placed in situations that requires him/her

to respond differently to the manner in which he/she is accustomed to behaving at home

• Is not disturbed by new experiences• Is fairly predictable in their routines

Approx. 40% of children are classified as ‘flexible’

Schor, E.L. (1999). The complete and authoritative guide. Caring for your School-aged Child Ages 5 – 12. American Academy of Pediatrics. Bantam Publishers, Columbus, Ohio

“

THE EASY/FLEXIBLE CHILD

• Is highly active• Eats and sleep irregularly• Has a negative approach to new situations (responding with frequent

crying and tantrums)• Is slow to adapt to change and needs time to get used to people• Is extra sensitive to sensory stimulation• Often finds it difficult to cope when thrown into new situations• Displays dramatic reactions to things he/she does not like.

“

THE ACTIVE/FEISTY CHILD

Approx. 10% of children are classified as ‘Feisty’

Schor, E.L. (1999). The complete and authoritative guide. Caring for your School-aged Child Ages 5 – 12. American Academy of Pediatrics. Bantam Publishers, Columbus, Ohio

“

THE SLOW-TO-WARM-UP CHILD

Approx. 15% of children are classified as ‘Slow-to-Warm-Up’

Schor, E.L. (1999). The complete and authoritative guide. Caring for your School-aged Child Ages 5 – 12. American Academy of Pediatrics. Bantam Publishers, Columbus, Ohio

• Displays mild reactions to new situations, but slowly come to accept change with repeated exposure

• Has fairly regular sleep and eating cycles• Thinks things through before taking a leap• Is very outgoing, adventurous, friendly and creative once he/she

feels secure• Often find it difficult to adapt quickly to change, requiring gradual

change to come to terms with new people and environments.

HELPING YOUR CHILD SLEEP

CHAPTER TWO

GETTING BETTER SLEEP

Good quality sleep is an innate human need. The premise of a need for quality sleep is behind many of the theories on how ‘best’ to children to assist children to sleep on their own. However, often both children and parents end up having less sleep as a result of persisting with sleep methods such as controlled crying that simply do not suit their child’s temperament.

Because sleep is such a basic human need, mothers often feel pressured to find ways to strongly encourage their children to sleep alone. In addition, parents also often feel pressured to adhere to societal norms and values about how children should be put to sleep, where they should sleep and how much sleep they require in order to be healthy and happy. In order for the whole family to sleep, there needs to be a balance between sleep and temperament requirements. For instance, if you have an Active/Feisty of Slow to Warm Up child, it’s better to sleep in your child’s room and gradually move out of the room as your child increases confidence, than it is to continuously have broken sleep when your child wakes through the night screaming because you have left him alone. Thus, working with your child’s temperament is a great way to:• give your child the quality sleep he/she needs• provide your child with the security he/she needs to feel safe and comforted

during sleep, and• give you an opportunity to sleep too (e.g. sleeping in the same

room as your child for all or a portion of the night until your childfeels she can sleep all through the night alone).

KEY ISSUES TO CONSIDER

1. Coping with your own sleep deprivation (e.g. quality and amount of

sleep)

2. Your child’s sleep deprivation (how much and the quality of sleep

required for health and happiness)

3. The rules about sleep (when, where, how long, with whom (parent,

alone, teddy, sibling) and the emotional/judgements around this

Therefore, when considering how best to assist your child to sleep, it’s also important to ensure you are having good quality and sufficient sleep aswell. If your child requires you to sleep in her room, find ways to make this as comforting for YOU and your child. Further, understand that children gradually grow out of this phase as they build confidence and self assurance.

Further, if you are relaxed, your child will be relaxed too, so ensuring you look after your self esteem and boost your self confidence is vital to successfully getting your child to sleep (visit www.helpformums.com for more support on how to boost your self esteem as a parent). The key is to trust your better judgement and especially to avoid comparing your child’s sleep behaviours with others. Children have their own needs and your child’s temperament gives you a great guide to how best to meet his/her sleep needs and yours.

Key issues to consider with sleep & temperament

COPING WITH NEW ENVIRONMENTS

CHAPTER THREE

HOW TO COPE WITH NEW ENVIORNMENTS

The ease with which your child manages and adjusts to new environments and new people, is highly likely to be dependent on your child’s temperament, as well as your child’s overall health. It’s very important to keep this in mind when introducing your child to new experiences, as it’s often very easy to assume your child is acting out, or to assume you are doing something wrong when your child is intimidated by new experiences. When you understand your child’s temperament, you have much better clarity regarding how you are best suited to deal with new experiences. It also empowers you to explain your child’s behaviour to carers and to avoid comparing your child’s behaviour against other children who may have a more easy going temperament..

Keeping Your Child’s Temperament In Mind

KEEPING IT TOGETHER

Parents who have a child with an Easy temperament will often find parenting theories work quite well when their children are ‘acting out’. For instance, theories and models to assist with discipline, sleep and eating. However, when you have a child with an Active or Slow to Warm Up temperament, the so called “tried and true” parenting methods often do not work as smoothly as promised. Without an appreciation for the distinct needs of children withActive/Feisty and Slow to Warm Up temperaments, your life can be much more stressful, tiring and frustrating..

How To Handle Temper Tantrums

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

As noted earlier, one of the most important things to remember is not to worry about what other people think or expect from your child in new environments. Often parents worry too much about whether other parents will think they are smothering a child, or pandering to their needs. However, if you are confident that you know your child’s ‘temperament needs’, try not to concern yourself with the expectations and judgments of others.

You Know Your Child Best

“Research shows when a mother’s parenting style matches up well with her child’s temperament, the child experiences half as many symptoms of depression and anxiety”

Kiff, C. J., Lengua, L. J., & Bush, N. R. (2011). Temperament variation in sensitivity to parenting: Predicting changes in depression and anxiety. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 39(8), 1199-1212.

“

KEY PARENTING TIPS FOR MANAGING

TEMPERAMENT TYPES

CHAPTER FOUR

THINGS TO CONSIDER

Clear boundaries, feeling secure and rules for acceptable behaviour are

important for the development of all children, however, these are particularly

useful for children with an Active/Feisty and Slow to Warm Up temperament,

as they provide stability, security and trust in their surroundings and those

caring for them. To this end, it is always a good idea to explain to carers (e.g.

teachers and other parents) a little about your child’s temperament to avoid

misinterpretation of behaviour. Further, where possible prepare your child for

new experiences and use positive guidance – whenever possible.

Preparing Others

MANAGING & SUPPORTING YOURCHILD’s TEMPERAMENT

Take time to prepare your child for new experiences that may seem anxiety

provoking, such as attending a new school, having a new babysitter, meeting a

new pet, going to a loud play centre. Find ways to ease your child into these

new experiences and avoid comparing them to other children by telling them

other kids are coping well, so they should too.

Discipline & Motivation Tips

The Slow-to-warm-up child responds particularly well to praise and a reward

system. Praise works well to encourage more positive behaviours and

extinguish negative ones. For instance, if you find

your child isn’t eating well, you can use rewards

each time a healthy food of your choice is

consumed and then use a lot of praise

over how well your child behaved.

These two methods will have much

more powerful results that a punishment

system.

The Slow-To-Warm-Up Child

MANAGING & SUPPORTING YOURCHILD’s TEMPERAMENT

These children need active and structured play – every day, so schedule this

into your daily routine. Rather than yelling back or giving in to tantrums –

where possible – try to remain calm and inform your child that you’ll listen

when he calms down a bit. This enables him to regain self control, to

understand where the boundaries lie and to learn new ways of communicating

to achieve the same result.

Discipline & Motivation Tips

The Feisty child responds particularly well to time out, ignoring negative

behaviour, a token economy/or sticker system, or a loss of privileges. praise

and a reward system. The steps to the reward (token or sticker system) need

to be simple and easy to follow through. For instance:

Step 1: choose 3 behaviours (1 your child does well, 1 your child needs a little

improvement & 1 that is a challenge)

Step 2: Be clear about which positive behaviour leads to a token

Step 3: Give rewards throughout the day – not just at the end

Step 4: Physically give your child the token – so it’s ‘real’

Step 5: Explain what the token values (e.g. earning 5 tokens = a new toy,

2 tokens = a treat, 3 token = staying up late)

Active/Feisty Child

BONUS TIPS

• Check in with this child regularly• Initiate conversation about emotions to ensure needs are

being met• Encourage her to express her feelings and needs and to talk

about any thing that might be troubling them• Keep in mind that easy babies/children still need a lot of

attention, even though they are undemanding.

Parenting – Easy/Flexible Temperament Tips

BONUS TIPS

• Help children regain control during or after tantrums, by saying “You’re yelling too loud. When you speak more quietly, I’ll listen.”

• Engage in regular physically active play to expend energy• When disciplining, use clear direction and age appropriate limits with

reasonable consequences. Avoid issuing false threats and ultimatums. Deal with problems calmly and matter-of-factly

• Avoid name-calling “hyper”, “naughty” child• Maintain a predictable schedule• Limit choices to 2 items & provide clear & simple instructions.

Parenting – Active/Feisty Temperament Tips

BONUS TIPS

• Provide additional information in preparation for new environments• Give your child additional time to respond when spoken to• When possible, stick to a routine• Be understanding about anxieties that may develop about new experiences• Gradually build confidence• Expose children to nature where possible to reduce overstimulation• Provide advice in how your child can engage with other children in play

(e.g. “your friends are modelling with lego over there, why don’t you start modelling next to them and see what happens?”

.

Parenting – Slow-To-Warm-Up Temperament Tips

WANTING MORE?

Did You Know…“Perfect Mum: How to cope with the emotional rollercoaster of motherhood” gives

you the confidence to trust you’re doing a good job.It also teaches you how to stop feeling guilty, how to enhance your relationships and how to make

yourself a priority whilst still being a great parent.

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