how to explain death to children and young people and · pdf filehow to explain death to...

How to explaindeath tochildren andyoung people...

...and helpthem cope!

6863-Child BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12:12 pm

Contents

Barnardo’s Child BereavementService

Helping children at the time of adeath

The funeral

Children’s understanding ofdeath

Traumatic death

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Barnardo’s Child Bereavement Service wasestablished in June 1998.

The service provides:

• An Advice Line which any adult who isconcerned about a bereaved child cancontact for information and advice.

• Training and information nights for parentsand professionals to assist in developingmethods of helping bereaved children.

• Individual and group support to children andyoung people up to the age of 18 who havebeen bereaved.

Barnardo’s ChildBereavement Service

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Children experience similar feelings to adultsfollowing the death of a significant person in theirlives.These include shock, denial, anger, guilt,sadness and fear. However, they often expresstheir feelings differently from adults. Children willoften see-saw in and out of grief anddemonstrate a range of emotions following adeath which may include excitement, anger andsadness.

Children are not born with an automaticunderstanding of death, i.e. that it is universal,irreversible and has a cause. Adults need to helpthem understand these concepts and this is bestdone by giving the child clear, honest informationon a frequent basis. At times, children can appearvery accepting of a bereavement while, later, theymay become very distressed.This can beconfusing for adults and it is important thatchildren are given the opportunity to displaytheir feelings of grief in their own time.

Helping children at thetime of a death

6863-Child BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12:12 pm Page 3

Explaining a death to a child can be a difficult andpainful task, but it is our belief and experiencethat a concerned adult can help a child managetheir feelings of pain and loss.When explaining a death to a child it isimportant to consider the following;

• Try to use the word ‘’death’’ or ‘‘dead’’ ratherthan phrases such as ‘‘gone to sleep’’, ‘‘lost’’or ‘’gone to a better place’’.These phrasescause confusion for young children and canlead to unnecessary anxiety.

‘‘My mum told me that my granda died in hissleep. I am scared to go to sleep in case I die,and I feel I have to keep checking my parentsduring the night in case they have died,’’Cara, aged 8.

• Young children need to be told repeatedlythat when someone dies they can nevercome back. It is important to explain thatthe dead person doesn’t eat, sleep, or feelany pain.

‘‘Will my mummy come back for my birthday?’’Steven, aged 6.

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• Children benefit from having the cause ofthe death explained to them.This should bedone simply and in a language that the childunderstands.There is a risk that if childrenare not given a clear explanation, they mayblame themselves.

‘’My mummy told me to stop running up anddown in the hospital when my nanny was sick.She said I was too noisy and it hurt nanny.Nanny died, it’s my fault.’’ Angela, aged 5.

• It is important that a child understands thateveryone dies at some time, but mostpeople don’t die until they are older.Following a death, children, can become veryanxious and often have difficulty separatingfrom family members. It helps them to regainconfidence in the world if they canunderstand the concepts of death.

‘‘I am scared everyone in my family is going todie now and so I don’t like playing with myfriends or being away from home.’’Michael, aged 9.

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• Children and young people grieve in a moresporadic way than adults do, they switchfrom being very sad one moment andexcited and happy another.This can bedistressing and upsetting to adults and canmislead them into thinking that they arecoping better than he or she really is.

‘‘I know my daddy is dead, but I really hopewe can still go to Disneyland this summeras planed.’’ Fiona, aged 11.

• Children need to hear that nothing we thinkor say can cause death, often children blamethemselves when someone special dies. It isimportant to emphasise to them that it wasnot their fault.

‘‘I feel it is my fault my dad died. He crashedhis car on the way home from work, he wasdriving fast so we could have more time at theswimming pool.’’ Daniel, aged 8.

When explaining death to a child it may behelpful to link it to any previous experiences theyhave had of death, such as the death of a pet ora plant. It is important that the child has theopportunity to talk often about the death inorder to facilitate their understanding that it isirreversible, universal and has a cause, as oftencartoons and computer games portray death asa temporary state.

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The funeral is an opportunity for family andfriends to say goodbye to the person they loved.It is beneficial for children to have the choice toattend and be involved in the service, however,it is important that they are not ‘burdened’with responsibilities.

If family and friends are viewing the body,children should be given the choice of seeing thebody.The children need careful preparation forthis task i.e. clear description of the coffin, theroom, the body and what to expect.They shouldbe accompanied by a trusted adult who cansupport and answer any questions. It is helpfulthat children still retain their place in the familyand do not feel that more thought is given toother relatives and friends. Some children mayneed permission to touch the body, others maynot want to.They may want to put a letter,drawing or favourite toy in the coffin.

Children should be given the choice of attendingthe funeral – again with a trusted adult who cananswer any questions and be supportive. In somesituations, this may be an aunt, uncle or someonewho is not in the immediate family who cananswer the child’s questions whilst the funeral isin progress.

‘‘All my daddy’s friends shook my hand at thefuneral, I felt that I had to be the man of thefamily.’’ Jack, aged 9.

The funeral


Children’s understanding of death will dependlargely upon their developmental stage.Thefollowing guide is based on chronological agesand is a guide only, remembering that each childis unique.

0-2 YearsChildren experience feelings of pain and loss.They will protest loudly and may searchrepeatedly for the deceased.They need aconsistent routine, cuddles and hugs and theyneed to be told repeatedly that the person willnot be returning. It is important that specialmemories and photographs are kept for thechildren as they grow older.

2-5 YearsChildren at this stage think ‘literally’ so use oflanguage is extremely important.

Statements such as, ‘‘gone for a long sleep’’ and‘’we’ve lost him/her’’ can often cause confusion.They still do not understand the irreversibility ofdeath and need to be told repeatedly that thedead cannot come back.

At this age, children may believe that theiractions can impact on the world around themand that, in some ways, they may have causedthe death.

Children’sunderstanding of death


They need to be told that people die for avariety of reasons, but not because of anythingwe say.

Children at this age will often act out throughplay what is happening around them.They needtheir questions answered openly, honestly andsimply. It is also important to maintain consistentroutine.

5-8 YearsChildren can usually understand that death isirreversible and universal.They will ask frequentquestions about death and may become pre-occupied with thoughts of death.They maysometimes feel responsible for the survivingmembers and they need to be allowed to bechildren, not overwhelmed with adultresponsibilities.

It helps if the child can explore feelings of guiltand responsibility and that their questions areanswered openly and honestly. It is importantthat they get support at school, as often childrenwho are bereaved feel different.They oftenexperience bullying at school because of this.They may have temper tantrums, sleepdisturbance, nightmares, and also may actyounger than their age.

8-12 YearsAt this stage children usually understand thatdeath is irreversible, universal and has a cause.

Communication can become difficult andgrief can be expressed in terms of physicalaches and pains or challenging behaviour.


They need the opportunity to talk to a trustedadult.They need reassurance about changes inlifestyle e.g. the money situation and whetherthey can remain in their house. Also they needsupport at school in dealing with peer groupsand they may be more vulnerable to bullying.

13-18 YearsTeenagers are particularly vulnerable as at thisstage they try to solve problems themselves andfind it difficult to seek help and support fromadults.

They understand the concept of death, but donot have the emotional maturity to deal with it. Itis normal for adolescents to have difficulty talkingto their parents, but they need the opportunityto talk to trusted adults or peers. School canprovide security and routine, however, it can alsobe a place where they feel isolated, different andhave difficulties with school work.They may feeloverwhelmed by exams and coursework.

Adolescents need choice with regard to thefuneral and subsequent life changes. At the sametime they should not be burdened with adultresponsibilities, e.g. ‘’Be strong for your mother’’or ‘’You’re the man of the house now.’’


Children and young people can experiencetrauma when they are involved in an incidentwhen someone dies, such as a road trafficaccident. At other times children may displaysigns of trauma when they find a body. In suchincidents it is important that children and youngpeople receive specialist help in dealing with thesymptoms of trauma.

Northern Ireland has a number of specialistTrauma Centres and Child and AdolescentMental Health Specialists, who provide thisservice.The Child Bereavement Service focuseson helping children and young people deal withfeelings of loss following a bereavement.

Traumatic death


Barnardo’s Child Bereavement Servicecontact details

Barnardo’s Child Bereavement Service453 Ormeau RoadBelfast BT7 3GQ

Admin contact No: 028 9069 4000Advice line No: 028 9064 5899

www.barnardos.org.uk/childbereavementservice

Barnardo’s has been working in NorthernIreland for over 105 years.Today in over40 services rooted in communities acrossthe length and breadth of NorthernIreland we reach out to over 8,000children, young people and their familiesevery year.

Registered charity No: 216250

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