How to Handle How to Handle ConflictConflictHow to Confront Conflict How to Confront Conflict in a Caring Way in a Caring Way

By Dave BattyBy Dave Batty

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Three aspects of handling Three aspects of handling conflictconflict

• What is your attitude toward What is your attitude toward conflict?conflict?

• What does the Bible say about What does the Bible say about conflict?conflict?

• How do you respond to conflict?How do you respond to conflict?

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#1#1

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#2#2

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#3 #3

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#4 #4

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Key truth Key truth

We are most useful in We are most useful in confronting conflict when confronting conflict when we are not so much trying we are not so much trying to to changechange another another personperson as we are trying to as we are trying to helphelp them them seesee themselves more themselves more accuratelyaccurately..4-11

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What is your attitude What is your attitude toward conflict?toward conflict?

1.1. Conflict is not Conflict is not sinsin..

2.2. When someone causes When someone causes conflict, they are not conflict, they are not necessarily necessarily sinningsinning..

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3.3. Conflict isConflict is NormalNormal

NeutralNeutral

NaturalNatural

So Accept it!So Accept it!

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4.4. Learn how to accept Learn how to accept

conflict as a conflict as a tooltool of of GodGod, ,

not a not a tricktrick of the of the devildevil..4-11

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5.5. Conflict can be Conflict can be creativecreative tension.tension.

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6.6. Conflict can lead all involved Conflict can lead all involved to a to a clearerclearer understanding understanding of the of the willwill of God and a of God and a more more effectiveeffective ministry. ministry.

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7.7. A biblical approach to A biblical approach to resolving conflict requires resolving conflict requires all parties involved to all parties involved to activelyactively work for solutions work for solutions that are filled with that are filled with hopehope for all.for all.

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A.A. Three common causes Three common causes of of conflictconflict

1.1. A struggle to A struggle to understand understand God’sGod’s directiondirection for the for the ministry.ministry. Acts 10:9-11:18 Acts 10:9-11:18 Acts 15:1-35 Acts 15:1-35

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““I tried to tell him not to change to order I tried to tell him not to change to order of the Sunday morning service.”of the Sunday morning service.”

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2.2. DifferencesDifferences between between persons.persons. Acts 15:36-41 Acts 15:36-41 1 Corinthians 1:10-12, 1 Corinthians 1:10-12,

1 Corinthians 3:4 – 1 Corinthians 3:4 – 4:64:6

3.3. Sinful Sinful motivesmotives 2 Samuel 11 2 Samuel 11

Matthew 21:12-16 Matthew 21:12-164-11

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B.B. Healthy areas where Healthy areas where conflict occursconflict occurs

1.1. Over Over purposespurposes and and goalsgoals.. Why are we here? Why are we here? What will we do? What will we do?

2.2. Over Over programsprograms and and methodsmethods .. How will we do it? How will we do it? Who will do it? When? Who will do it? When?4-11

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3.3. Over Over valuesvalues and and traditionstraditions.. Any organization over Any organization over

5 years old has 5 years old has traditions traditions

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Typical ways people Typical ways people respond to conflictrespond to conflict

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Five Options for Five Options for Dealing with ConflictDealing with Conflict

1. Competing: I win—you 1. Competing: I win—you loselose

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2. Avoiding: I want out2. Avoiding: I want out

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3. Accomodating 3. Accomodating – I will give in for good – I will give in for good relationsrelations

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4. Compromising 4. Compromising – I will meet you half way – I will meet you half way

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5. Collaborating5. Collaborating —I can care and confront —I can care and confront

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Five Options for Five Options for Dealing with ConflictDealing with Conflict

1.1. CompetingCompeting: I win—you lose: I win—you lose

2.2. AvoidingAvoiding: I want out, I’ll withdraw: I want out, I’ll withdraw

3.3. AccommodatingAccommodating: I’ll give in for good : I’ll give in for good relationsrelations

4.4. CompromisingCompromising: I’ll meet you halfway: I’ll meet you halfway

5.5. CollaboratingCollaborating: I can care and : I can care and confrontconfront

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____1.____1. How big of a problem has conflict been in your How big of a problem has conflict been in your life?life?

1=small problem 10=big problem1=small problem 10=big problem

____2.____2. Growing up as a child & teen, how often was Growing up as a child & teen, how often was conflict a conflict a part of your life?part of your life?

1=conflict was rare 10=lots of conflict1=conflict was rare 10=lots of conflict

____3.____3. How much pain did conflict cause in your life?How much pain did conflict cause in your life?

1=little pain 10=lots of pain1=little pain 10=lots of pain

____4.____4. How much damage did conflict cause in your How much damage did conflict cause in your life?life?

1=very little damage 10=lots of damage1=very little damage 10=lots of damage

Your past experiences with Your past experiences with conflictconflict

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Basic tools for handling Basic tools for handling ConflictConflict

A.A.““I” messages vs. “You” I” messages vs. “You” messagesmessages

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B. Ways of confronting B. Ways of confronting conflict conflict without being judgmental without being judgmental

1.1. Focus your feedback on Focus your feedback on actionsactions, not the actor., not the actor.

2.2. Focus your feedback on Focus your feedback on observationsobservations, not your , not your conclusions.conclusions.

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B. Ways of confronting B. Ways of confronting conflict conflict without being judgmental without being judgmental

3.3. Focus your feedback on Focus your feedback on descriptionsdescriptions, not judgments., not judgments.

4.4. Focus your feedback on Focus your feedback on ideas, information, and ideas, information, and alternatives, not on alternatives, not on adviceadvice and and answersanswers . .

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B. Ways of confronting B. Ways of confronting conflict conflict without being judgmental without being judgmental

5.5. Focus your feedback on Focus your feedback on whatwhat and and howhow, not , not whywhy . .

What did you do?What did you do?

How did it affect others?How did it affect others?

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Key truth Key truth

We are most useful in We are most useful in confronting conflict when confronting conflict when we are not so much trying we are not so much trying to change another person to change another person as we are trying to help as we are trying to help them see themselves more them see themselves more accurately.accurately.4-11

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Biblical view on Biblical view on blessing and cursingblessing and cursing

1.1. God’s promise to AbrahamGod’s promise to Abraham--Those who bless you, I will bless--Those who bless you, I will bless--Those who curse you, I will curse--Those who curse you, I will curse

2.2. Teachings of Jesus on blessing and Teachings of Jesus on blessing and cursingcursing--Bless those who curse you--Bless those who curse you

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Second look atSecond look atYour attitude toward Your attitude toward conflictconflict

1.1. Embrace conflictEmbrace conflict

2.2. My eyes are toward growthMy eyes are toward growth

3.3. The essential need for respectThe essential need for respect

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ConflictConflict Healthy person vs. Healthy person vs.

dysfunctional persondysfunctional person

1.1. You-healthy You-healthy vsvs s/he-healthy s/he-healthy

2.2. You-healthy You-healthy vsvs s/he- s/he-unhealthyunhealthy

3.3. You-You-unhealthyunhealthy vsvs s/he-healthy s/he-healthy

4.4. You-You-unhealthyunhealthy vsvs s/he- s/he-unhealthyunhealthy4-11

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UnhealthyUnhealthyHealthyHealthy1.1. Focuses on whoseFocuses on whose 1. Focuses on how 1. Focuses on how

we we fault is it.fault is it. can solve things. can solve things.

2.2. Blames othersBlames others 2. Find acceptance 2. Find acceptance and love in your and love in your

weaknesses and weaknesses and failures. failures.

3.3. You need to change! 3. Take ownership ofYou need to change! 3. Take ownership of your own failures. your own failures.

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UnhealthyUnhealthyHealthyHealthy4.4. Makes excusesMakes excuses 4. Takes responsibility 4. Takes responsibility

for the situation. for the situation.

5.5. I see myself as goodI see myself as good 5. Give up on being 5. Give up on being perfect & work perfect & work

hard to improve. hard to improve.

6.6. DenialDenial 6. Honest—not taking 6. Honest—not taking more or less. more or less.

OnlyOnly taking the truth. taking the truth.

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UnhealthyUnhealthyHealthyHealthy7.7. I care about meI care about me 7. I care about 7. I care about youyou

The bullyThe bully andand meme..

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The Myth of The Myth of Hidden HarmonyHidden Harmony

Deep down, we all agree. There Deep down, we all agree. There is no conflict, only poor under-is no conflict, only poor under-standing. If only we understand standing. If only we understand each other, we’ll agree.each other, we’ll agree.

——real cause —real cause —misunderstanding?misunderstanding?

——real cause —real cause —real disagreement?real disagreement?

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How to confront conflict in How to confront conflict in a productive mannera productive manner

1.1. Are you Are you ignoring the ignoring the white white elephant in elephant in your living your living room?room?

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2.2. You get what You get what you tolerateyou tolerate

• If you do not If you do not confront conflict, confront conflict, and tolerate and tolerate problems—that’s problems—that’s what you will get—what you will get—more problems.more problems.

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3. You can confront well 3. You can confront well or or you can confront you can confront poorly.poorly.• If you fail to If you fail to

confront, you confront, you lose.lose.

• If you confront If you confront poorly, you also poorly, you also lose.lose.

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4.4. Confront in such a way as to preserve Confront in such a way as to preserve the relationship with the other person.the relationship with the other person.

5.5. Stay connected with the person—Stay connected with the person—conflict resolution is a process.conflict resolution is a process.

--solve the problem--solve the problem

--focus on healthy living --focus on healthy living

6.6. ForgivenessForgiveness

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How big is the conflict?How big is the conflict?

Are they Are they mountainsmountains or or pebblespebbles??

1.1. Examples from the BibleExamples from the Bible

A. God to Abraham—sacrifice your sonA. God to Abraham—sacrifice your son

B.B. God—stop crying, and get to work God—stop crying, and get to work

C. Paul’s trialsC. Paul’s trials 2 Corinthians 1:8-11 2 Corinthians 1:8-11 2 Corinthians 4:17-19 2 Corinthians 4:17-19

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How big is the conflict?How big is the conflict?

Are they Are they mountainsmountains or or pebblespebbles??

2.2. Generational problemsGenerational problems

3.3. Is the conflict issue painful, but not Is the conflict issue painful, but not sinful?sinful?

4.4. Are others failing to see God’s call Are others failing to see God’s call on your life?on your life?

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5. Abusive situations5. Abusive situations

Are they Are they mountainsmountains or or pebblespebbles??

Many times the person abused was a child Many times the person abused was a child and failed to see the deep damage.and failed to see the deep damage.

The abuser is often manipulativeThe abuser is often manipulative

--If you tell anyone, I will kill you, or your --If you tell anyone, I will kill you, or your familyfamily

--”You really wanted it!”--”You really wanted it!”

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Principles of handling an Principles of handling an abusive situationabusive situation

1.1. God values your lifeGod values your life

2.2. God has harsh words for abusersGod has harsh words for abusersMatthew 18:6Matthew 18:6

3.3. Principle of the greater valuePrinciple of the greater value

4.4. Principle of safe boundaries “Tough Principle of safe boundaries “Tough love”love”

5.5. Can you separate the truth from the Can you separate the truth from the lies? lies? 4-11

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6. When the solution 6. When the solution creates more creates more conflictconflict

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7. How to respond to 7. How to respond to “Bullies”“Bullies”

1.1. Rudy Giuliani’s book Rudy Giuliani’s book LeadershipLeadership has chapter on bullieshas chapter on bullies

2.2. Some bullies are sweet and Some bullies are sweet and charming, but they are still bullies.charming, but they are still bullies.

3.3. Only interested in what they want.Only interested in what they want.

4.4. Issue of fear in dealing with bulliesIssue of fear in dealing with bullies

5.5. Issues of revenge & forgiveness Issues of revenge & forgiveness 4-11

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So who has your steering So who has your steering wheel?wheel?

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Learn the Basic Skills of Learn the Basic Skills of Conflict ManagementConflict Management

1.1. Learn to recognize and address Learn to recognize and address conflict in its conflict in its earliestearliest stage. stage.

2.2. Keep everyone focused on the issue.Keep everyone focused on the issue.

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Learn the Basic Skills of Learn the Basic Skills of Conflict ManagementConflict Management3.3. Provide the 3 “P”s of Conflict Provide the 3 “P”s of Conflict

Management.Management.

A.A. PermissionPermission –to disagree without –to disagree without feeling guiltyfeeling guilty

B.B. PotentencyPotentency –enable each party to –enable each party to state their position with as much strength state their position with as much strength and clarity as possible.and clarity as possible.

C.C. ProtectionProtection –do not allow judging or –do not allow judging or needless hurtingneedless hurting

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Learn the Basic Skills of Learn the Basic Skills of Conflict ManagementConflict Management4.4. Enable Enable allall parties to see a way out of parties to see a way out of

the conflict by suggesting options to the conflict by suggesting options to their present positions and goalstheir present positions and goals

--Build on what you agree--Build on what you agree

5.5. Work to turn every conflict into a Work to turn every conflict into a problem solvingproblem solving situation. situation.

Involve Involve everyoneeveryone in this process. in this process.4-11

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What are the basics of What are the basics of negotiation?negotiation?1.1. Willingness to listen.Willingness to listen.

2.2. Willingness to take sides.Willingness to take sides.

3.3. The courage to publicly place value The courage to publicly place value on issues.on issues.--How important is each issue in this --How important is each issue in this conflict?conflict?

4.4. Willingness to discuss various Willingness to discuss various solutions before deciding which solutions before deciding which one(s) I will accept. one(s) I will accept. “Negotiate in good faith.”“Negotiate in good faith.”

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What are the basics of What are the basics of negotiation?negotiation?5.5. Willingness to establish policies or Willingness to establish policies or

change present procedures.change present procedures.

6.6. Willingness to disagree. Willingness to disagree. “It’s okay if we don’t agree.”“It’s okay if we don’t agree.”

7.7. Willingness to establish and agree on Willingness to establish and agree on common goals and priorities.common goals and priorities.

8.8. Willingness to be accountable. Willingness to be accountable. Willingness to accept the Willingness to accept the consequences of my behavior.consequences of my behavior.4-11

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What are the basics of What are the basics of negotiation?negotiation?9.9. Willingness to work to save face for Willingness to work to save face for

everyone involved.everyone involved.

Some conflict situations involve Some conflict situations involve people who have clearly been wrong people who have clearly been wrong in their behavior. To resolve this in their behavior. To resolve this does not mean we negotiate a cover-does not mean we negotiate a cover-up of their sins.up of their sins.

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PreventinPreventing Conflictg Conflict

1.1. Your Your immune immune system.system.

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Preventing ConflictPreventing Conflict

2.2. We have to be strong enough to We have to be strong enough to disappoint people.disappoint people.

Have the courage to say “No”Have the courage to say “No”

3.3. Issue of delayed gratification.Issue of delayed gratification.

4.4. No pain, no gain.No pain, no gain.

5.5. Pay the price to get to resolution.Pay the price to get to resolution.

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Getting to the place of Getting to the place of peacepeace1.1. God’s promise, “I will never leave you God’s promise, “I will never leave you

or forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5or forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

2.2. We can have inner peace even when We can have inner peace even when there are storms in our lives.there are storms in our lives.

John 14:1-4John 14:1-4

John 16:33John 16:33

John 14:27John 14:27

2 Timothy 1:72 Timothy 1:74-11

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Where do I need to start Where do I need to start changing the way I respond changing the way I respond to conflict?to conflict?

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