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How to Improve Your

Prose Style: Part 1

This lecture covers these concepts:

1. Being Concise

2. Being Precise

© Karen Thompson, University of Idaho

Some of the examples in these slides have been adapted from

Michael Alley’s The Craft of Scientific Writing.

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Concept 1: Being Concise No one wants to read lard-laden prose. If you have developed this habit, you need to lose it.

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The most common cause of lard-laden prose is mistakenly trying to meet a page-length requirement by adding more words. Most teachers do not insist that you meet a specific number of pages or else. Okay, well maybe my 8th grade English teacher did, but she was a bit strange.

Karen’s 8th Grade English Teacher

Who are you calling strange?

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Here’s how to think about page-length requirements.

They are (or should be) aimed at helping you think about the level of development you need in any given writing assignment.

Some assignments require a sustained piece of writing. For others, something shorter is needed.

You don’t want to write 3 pages when the assignment asks for ten and vice versa.

Writing more words that do not contribute to meaning is just adding lard.

Cluttering prose with unnecessary words, creates two problems.

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First, when readers slog through sentences

weighed down by lard, they lose interest.

Second, the lard leaves no room to write specifics

necessary for meaning to be clearly understood.

This leaves readers confused and aggravated.

To be concise, learn how to spot and cut lard.

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Redundant Words Writing Zeros

Needless passive voice

Here are some examples of redundant words.

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already existing

alternative choices

at the present time presently

currently at this time

basic fundamentals

completely eliminate

continue to remain

currently being

empty space

first began

had done previously

introduced a new

mix together

never before

none at all

now at this time

period of time

private industry

separate entities

start out

still persists

whether or not

Zeroes are empty phrases that add lard.

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it is my intent to show that = 0 as a matter of fact = 0 as is well known = 0 it is noteworthy = 0 the presence of = 0

Some zeros can be replaced with words that add meaning.

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at this point in time replace with now

at that point in time replace with then

has the ability to replace with can

has the potential to replace with will

in the event that replace with if

in the vicinity of replace with near

owing to the fact that replace with because

the question as to whether replace with whether

there is no doubt but that replace with no doubt

Needlessly passive voice will encourage you to write lard.

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It was then concluded that a second complete solar mirror field corrosion survey should be conducted in July to determine whether the tenfold annual corrosion rate projection was valid and to allow determination whether subsequent corrective measures would be effective in retarding corrosion propagation.

We decided to survey the solar mirror field a second time in July to see if the corrosion rate would increase tenfold as projected and to determine whether stowing the mirrors in a vertical position would slow the rate.

No Lard

Strategy for identifying and eliminating lard-laden prose.

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Consider this sentence:

Wordiness is a word that is often used by many people to express the idea that something that was written by someone in a larger number of words could have been expressed in a smaller number of words (38 words).

It’s not difficult to make this sentence more concise, but I’m using an easy lard-laden sentence in order to demonstrate a strategy for revising prose to be more concise.

Use the following strategy when you have a more complicated sentence that is filled with lard.

Step 1: Identify Repeats (all forms)

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Wordiness is a word that is often used by many people to express the idea that something that was written by someone in a larger number of words could have been expressed in a smaller number of words.

Eliminate what seems easiest.

Wordiness is a word often used by many people to express the idea that

something written by someone in a larger number of words could have

been expressed in a smaller number of words.

We now have eliminated 4 words – it’s a start.

Step 2: Substitute Phrases with Words

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Wordiness is a word often used by many people to express the idea

{means} that something written by someone in a larger number of {more} words could have been expressed in a smaller number of {fewer} words.

Wordiness means that something written in more words

could have been expressed in fewer.

That move cut 20 words, so we now have 14 total.

Step 3: Eliminate Expendable Phrases and Be Specific.

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If the intention of the writer is to refer to both writing and speech, then no need to use the words crossed out.

Wordiness means that something written in more words

could have been expressed in fewer. (14 words)

Note: be certain what you eliminate is expendable.

From 38 to 5 words.

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Wordiness means using unnecessary words. (5 words).

Remember, it is not the NUMBER of words you are using that is a problem but whether any of those words are unnecessary.

When you first start editing for conciseness, it may be unsettling because a document you thought was finished may be reduced to little more than a few paragraphs.

When that happens, consider what you have not included such as specific details, examples, analogies, etc. and develop your writing to fulfill the intended purpose.

Concept 2: Being Precise

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Precise writing means choosing specific

words and the appropriate level of detail

to meet the needs of the audience and

your purpose for writing

Technical terms have specific meanings, so it is important to be precise. The choice to be precise is also governed by the audience.

Example of poor word choice:

The last decade has seen a rapid development of new techniques for studying the enormously complex phenomena associated with the development of sparks and other gas discharges.

Word choice is imprecise because sparks and gas discharges are different.

spark: the transient irreversible event from one steady state of the electrical breakdown process to another. gas discharge: any of the three steady states of the electrical breakdown process.

Voltage

Current

spark

discharge

When choosing words, consider denotation and connotation.

Denotation

dictionary meaning

adequate:

sufficient; enough

for what is required

Connotation

Contextually, the word “adequate” can mean the exact opposite of the dictionary meaning.

adequate:

sufficient

adequate: insufficient

Notice how the definitions (and use) of these words would depend upon audience and purpose.

cement

a material, usually ceramic, for bonding solids

aggregate

coarse particles such as sand or gravel

hydraulic cement

cement that bonds by a reaction with water

Agglomerate

small particles bonded into an integrated mass

Be specific. Otherwise, your reader will not understand what you want them to do with the information. Readers always need to know what you want them to think about, understand, or take action on after reading your writing.

After recognizing some problems with the solar mirrors, we took subsequent corrective measures.

What problems? What corrective measures? Why are you telling me this? What do you want me to do?

Notice how specifics create clarity and help readers understand what to do with the information.

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After finding that high winds (and not hail) had cracked the ten solar mirrors, we began stowing all mirrors in a horizontal position during thunderstorms.

I see, you are telling me about a problem that you have solved.

I’m relieved to know this. Thanks for updating me about the

solar mirrors.

To check your writing for specifics, try to be the reader.

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If you were the reader of this document, would you know what the writer wanted you to think about, understand, and/or do with this information?

If you respond to your writing

like this, you need to revise.

If you respond to your writing

like this, your writing is working.

What was I trying to say?

My writing is clear, and I am

awesome!