how to make sure your values are aligned a guide to avoiding relationship frustration 04

7/23/2019 How to Make Sure Your Values Are Aligned a Guide to Avoiding Relationship Frustration 04

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Table of contents

This “Values” thing…

Chapter 1: Why do values matter so much?

Chapter 2: The unconscious biases that might convince us

(prematurely) about the other person’s values

Chapter 3: So how do you manage this “values” issue?

(Four critical questions you must answer as you observe your

love interest)

Chapter 4: The C.E.W Formula

Chapter 5: Working through your differences

Chapter 6: One final thought on values and differences

Chapter 7: Finding your Yoke buddy

Chapter 8: So…where do you go from here?

CLICKABLE MENU



To God through whom all wisdom flows.

For my wonderful wife Bukky…a powerful evidence of God’s love for me,

a great reason to wake up every day, and for my brother Mayowa who

has been a source of great strength...

my brother in every sense of the word

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This VALUES thing…

“The degree to which values are understood,defined and shared in relationship, is the degree

to which it will either be a fulfilling relationship or afrustrating one.”

Tobi Atte

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http://www.ijustmetme.com/



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https://www.youtube.com/ijustmetme

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The process of understanding, defining and sharing values can be the

difference between the destruction of a relationship, or its growth.

How do you do it though? How do you determine if your values are

aligned with the person you are interested in? How do you keep thevalues aligned well into the relationship and into marriage?

Is there something that people in thriving relationships and marriages

know that others don’t know? Is there a formula?

As a relationship coach, I get many questions about the issue ofvalues. It is a major concern for singles who are carefully trying to

navigate the waters of suitors or options; it’s a concern for couples

who are realizing that they may not share the same values to the

degree they thought; and it’s a concern for married couples who

want to know each other on a deeper level.

Whether you are single, dating, courting or married, this book is an

important read.

Singles will be able to understand themselves better. They’ll be

better prepared to avoid being blindsided by the “attraction”

phase of relationships.

Couples will have the right guide to evaluate both their personal and

collective values to ensure that they are aligned.

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This “Values” thin



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“The degree to which values are understood,defined and shared in a relationship, is thedegree to which it will either be a fulfilling

relationship or a frustrating one.”

Tobi Atte

At the end of this book, couples will have an incredible resource

to guide the conversation about how they want their relationship

to work for each other’s happiness, or they will have the right

perspective that will help them realize that they are not right for

each other.

Married couples will also get a whole lot out of this book. Many

married couples don’t have a guide to help them discover more

about each other’s values. They consistently find themselves at

odds about unmet expectations but don’t have a guide to share

values and expectations so that it is clear.

In each case, the concern is valid…because:

This “Values” thi










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Chapter 1

Why do values matter so much?










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Think of your phone or electronic device. It is meaningful to you not

because of the shell it is in but because of the programs and code

that have been written in it. Its those programs that make the

phone operate the way it does.

If you push this button, X happens. In Y situation, C happens. If

there is a combination of A, X, and Y situations, then B happens.

They are “rules” that get executed automatically.

That’s how our values operate. Our values are like programs. They

are our innate rules of operation. It’s how we DO life. They are

(mostly) unconscious rules that we have given ourselves that

determine how we engage with or respond to life every day.

Our values (especially our core values) is how we DO

life.

Have you ever downloaded a program or app to your phone,

computer, tablet and the new program crashed your device, wipedout vital information or made changes to the way you had things

set up before?

It can be really frustrating. You know…where the addition of that

new program changes the color, moves things around or turns

some other function off? The frustration comes especially since the

new program was probably installed to affect something completelyseparate.

Yea… the rules (values) in the newly added program did not gel with

the preexisting ones. There was an override. You installed it for

something else but in order to perform that function, it needed a

certain environment so it overrode some other existing function(s).

Why do values matter so much










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Why did it override?

You gave permission.

Most of the time when you download an app, you must give

permission for that app to do certain things like access your contact

list, access your social media account, affect the font on your device,

or some other function.

There is also the “Terms and Conditions” section that we usually

don’t bother reading or evaluating because our friends are using the

program/app and because we assume that the makers of this new

app have good intentions but…

“Good intentions are not good enough to make arelationship work ”

and…

“Just because a type of program/app is working forothers doesn’t mean it’ll work for your

device….because those people don’t have all theother programs that YOU have on your device.”

They don’t have the same values….the same way that:

“Just because a type of relationship/person isworking for others doesn’t mean it’ll work for yourlife…because those relationships/people don’t

have all the other values that YOU have in your life”











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The thing about “Permissions and agreeing to Terms andConditions”

The thing about permissions and agreeing to terms and conditions is

that we are so anxious to get what we want that we don’t take the

time to think about what we may have to give up to get it.

We are so focused on the “End Feature” in a program or app that we

don’t take time to think about how the programming in the app (all

the rules, design elements, lines of coding and values) will work with

our existing device and all its existing rules, existing programs, designelements, lines of coding and values. No surprise when there is a

crash.

So what does this have to do with relationships?

Well, EVERYTHING.

That’s very similar to how it often plays out in relationships. Many of

us start relationships thinking that the person is simply to come into

our life and make us feel good, take care of us and perform certain

functions in our lives without disrupting the existing environment or

values we operated with before.

Then we start realizing that it’s a give and take…that we have to let go

of some values and negotiate others. We start to realize (even more

importantly) how devoted we are to some of our own existing values

(Both Good and Bad ones)









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You see, when we are single, our core values operate without too

much interference from other people’s values. We are able to

maintain a “values territory” for ourselves. We move towards the

situations that agree with our values and we stay away from the

ones that don’t. Our values are rarely challenged.

We are not forced into situations where we really have to fight for

our values or have to give them up. We watch the movies we like,

and don’t watch the ones we dislike. We go to church where we

want to and we eat at the types of restaurants we want to.

Our values are never really challenged.

But you see, values are important. I know that sounds cliché but I am

talking about this from a deeper place.

How so? Because in working with couples and observing others, I

discovered that:

Most people I meet who are struggling in their relationships

because of value differences can’t believe they are in that situation!

They are SHOCKED that they don’t see eye to eye anymore because

not too long ago, they could have sworn they shared the same

values and had the same value systems!

How could this be? How could they have changed so quickly?

Have you ever found yourself asking yourself “How can a couple be

in divorce court 2 years after marriage stating “irreconcilable

differences” as the reason to go their separate ways? Or maybe you

are in a relationship wondering how you went from being sappy love

birds to animals clawing at each other’s jugulars











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That is the reality for many couples.

I have also found out that:

While it is important that couples share core values at the

beginning, that’s not enough, they must have the flexibility to

evolve and change with each other as those values may (more than

likely) change or evolve.

You see, I realized that it’s one thing to have perfectly aligned

values at the beginning of a relationship but as they say,

“The only thing constant in life is change”

If that is true (and it is) then we must not only direct our energy to

making sure we start the relationship correctly, but we must ensure

that we give room for change and embrace it knowing that many

parameters will change over time.

That got me thinking. There must be a better way to help people

see more clearly at the beginning of the relationship.

Understanding, Defining and Sharing Values

is serious stuff.











First, here are some characteristics of your core values

you should know when it comes to relationships

They are unconscious: Once you have them , they no longer need

your permission to operate

They are stronger than you think

They show up in your life every day and everywhere.

There are core values you hold that you may not identify until

they are tested and challenged

In order for relationships to work, you must share some corevalues …but you must be willing to let go or adjust some as well

(it’s just a matter of which)

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Why do values matter so muc








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Chapter 2

The unconscious biases thatmight convince us

(prematurely) about the other

person’s values










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The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other person’s valu

Have you ever been there?

Have you ever met someone and thought “Wow! They have such

great values and great character!” or on the flip side, have you ever

judged someone too quickly…written their character off and then

they surprise you in a positive way?

Well, HOW did you come to that first conclusion? How did you figure

that they had or didn’t have the right values in the first place?

While you may be right in your analysis of that person, it is important

to be aware of some biases that may prematurely affect our

assessment of people. Here are a few:

The Halo Effect:

The halo effect (1) is a cognitive bias in which an observer's overall

impression of a person, company, brand, or product influences the

observer's feelings and thoughts about that entity's character or

properties. It was named by psychologist Edward Thorndike

In other words, our general impression (“She is friendly”) impacts our

judgment of that person’s specific character traits (We may then

assume for example that she is also patient, great at relationships and

kind)

Have you ever looked at a celebrity and said “I like her” or “He looks

so smart”. Celebrities are a great example of the halo effect at work.

Since we perceive them as successful, attractive, flawless, great

dressers, funny etc., we may also think they are kind, clean, would

make great lovers, or would be great to hang out with”…and of

course that’s not always the case.










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The problem with the halo effect (as you can probably see already) is

that it can be very misleading. To our own detriment, we may

ascribe some great traits to someone without actually seeing or

experiencing those traits, and for reasons that we can’t even explain.

Now, sometimes we are right, many times we are wrong and quite

often we may just be “less right” than we thought. (They have the

great trait but not to the degree we thought)

It’s important for you to know that your unconscious self (the part of

you that is on auto pilot) may be making some assessments in YOUR

head about others WITHOUT your permission.

That’s why self -awareness is critical. We must ensure that we are

aware of our emotions, motives and values. We must ensure that we

are able to have objective conversations with ourselves.

Think about that for a moment.

You see, even though the trigger or spark may be unconscious, wemust behave consciously.

“Even though the THOUGHT may beunconscious, our BEHAVIOR must be

conscious.” ~Tobi Atte

That doesn’t mean that all our decisions have to be logical and

mathematical. It just means that even when we make emotional

decisions, we should try to own it as opposed to always just letting

our actions be high jacked by our thoughts and feelings.

The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other person’s valu










Reverse Halo Effect:

You guessed it…yup. It’s the evil twin of the halo effect.

Its “when people allow an undesirable trait to influence their

evaluation of other traits” (2)

You see, with the halo effect that we just looked at, our general“positive” impression of someone makes us automatically assignspecific positive traits to that person.

With the reverse-halo effect however, our general “negative”

impression of someone makes us automatically assign specificnegative traits to that person. We say “He’s not successful”… “He mustalso be lazy”. Or we meet someone who is budget conscious and wesay they are cheap.

You will be amazed at how many great people you have come across inyour life that you wrote off too quickly.

We’ve all been there. We ascribe negative traits to someone withoutactually seeing or experiencing them and for reasons we can’t evenexplain.

Unfortunately, this probably happens more often than we realize orare willing to admit.

Things like our culture, family background, religious teachings, socialclass and environment all play a role in this.

Think about how people in your social class view people in other socialclasses. How does your culture view people in other cultures?

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The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other person’s value








Don’t judge too quickly. Do less of “sizing people up” prematurely. You just never know.

You should be especially careful about this because:

1) Even when the other person doesn’t know that we have “judgedthem”, we ourselves lose out on the opportunity to have greatpeople in our lives and especially singles folks, you lose the chancefor what could have been a great opportunity for something more

2) In the event that the other person knows or senses that we judged them negatively too quickly, we end up tearing themdown. Furthermore, while we may not end up with the peoplewe hurt, they end up with other people.

Here is a link to a really powerful two part article series that I wrote onmy blog about that:

http://ijustmetme.com/2014/05/dont-pre-qualify-your-lead/

Think about people like Joseph in the Bible ...slave boybefore becoming a prime minister. Look at David too in the Bible.Shepherd boy before becoming King. What about Dwayne “The Rock”Johnson failing to get into the National Football League (NFL), movingback in with his parent with only $7 to his name and having to restarthis life.

What about Sylvester Stallone who was once homelessbefore hitting it big with the movie ROCKY; Or John Paul DeJoria ofJohn Paul Mitchell (The hair product line) who hawked the productdoor to door many years ago and lived in his car.

These were people that looked like failures at some point in their livesbut not because they were lazy.

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Fundamental Attribution Error

This is “people's tendency to place an undue emphasis on internal

characteristics to explain someone else's behavior in a given

situation, rather than considering external factors.” (3) It was coined

by Psychologist Lee D. Ross.

So for example, as you turn your car to enter your street, your

neighbor cuts you off and forces you to slam your brakes. You shake

your head and call that neighbor an inconsiderate reckless driver.

You get home and someone tells you the neighbor just rushed his

wife to the hospital to deliver a baby. At that moment, you realize

that if you were in the same shoes, you would have done the samething. You realize that you misjudged the internal character of that

person.

Or for example, your date was late to pick you up. You had your

make up done and had to sit and wait for him for a while. He finally

gets here and the date is bland. You think “He has no manners and

he is boring” when the truth is that he almost cancelled the date butdecided not to. He had a really rough one at work that day and his

boss made a fool out of him. However he decided to still come out

rather than stand you up.

This is the same reason we blame people for the bad things that

happen to them that may have been outside of their control (Social

psychologists call this “Blaming the victim”). For example, blaming aburglary victim for being “careless”, and ignoring the factors that

were outside of the victim’s control. In other words, we say that the

reason this bad event happened, is because of the negative

character trait in that person...and the truth may have been that it

was also largely due to circumstantial issues.











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The flip side of the fundamental attribution error that is rarely talked

about but I think is worth mentioning, is that sometimes, we assign

positive character traits to someone because of an event that has

nothing to with the person’s actual character.

We see a man opening the passenger door for a woman and we think“Wow he is a nice guy” when in actuality, she is his boss, he is her

driver and he is paid to do that. What he did was “nice” but it had

very little to do with his character.

The Actor – Observer bias (4)

This is the non-identical twin of the fundamental attribution error.

This is very similar to the fundamental attribution error but different

in two main ways.

While the fundamental attribution error is about how we judge

others, the actor-observer bias is about how we judge ourselves

With the fundamental attribution error, we often ignore the

circumstances that surround a person’s behavior, and make a quick

judgment about them. (Like quickly calling the neighbor who cut you

off on the way to the hospital an inconsiderate reckless driver)

However, with the actor-observer bias for ourselves, we are not so

quick to negatively judge ourselves…instead, we suddenly become

quite capable of taking all the circumstantial elements intoconsideration.

We tell ourselves that “we got into that accident NOT because we

were careless or reckless but because there was a slight fog, the sun

was in our eye and the other driver was impatient”











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Salience

“The Salience of an object is the state or quality by which it stands outrelative to its neighbors” (5)

So the saliency of that thing or person is that quality that allows them tobe different or to be most easily told apart. So picture a bright yellowshirt in the midst of black shirts. The color yellow is what quickly sets thatshirt apart.

Here is the issue though…

“Just because something “stands out” doesn’tmean it “stands right”. Sure they “grabbed” yourattention…but you should quickly determine if

you should “give” it.” Tobi Atte

You see, when something stands out, it’s hard to ignore. The problem isthat the REASON that thing/person stands out may not be a reason thathas to do with how right that person is, but simply based on the fact thatit is different when compared to its surroundings.

If you put that bright yellow shirt in the midst of other bright yellowshirts, it loses its salience. It loses that very thing that sets it apart andsuddenly, it can’t hold our attention any longer.









Same is true of relationships.

Think about these statements:

“He approached me like no one has ever approached me before”

“She is just different from all the ladies I have dated”

“He/She doesn’t have this behavior that people in my culture have”

Different is good. But be careful not to place value on someone simply

because they are so different (from what you are used to, otherpeople in your town, the type of person your friends are dating etc.) or

did something to grab your attention, that you don’t stop for a second

to think about WHY they grabbed your attention or if you should

continue giving your attention to that person/situation.

Make sure that the one that grabbed yourattention is actually right for you.

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The “Me Too!” Effect

Think back to the beginning of your current or last relationship.Specifically the “talking” phase. Long conversations on the phone…late

nights talking about earth shattering issues and solving all the world’sproblems over Skype. Remember that phase?

Well, as I thought about how we determine the character of someonewe are interested in, I couldn’t help thinking about that phase and whatI call the “Me Too! Effect”

Let me break it down.

You see, most attraction is unconscious. So, most times, we can’t reallypin-point why we are attracted to someone in the first place. Mosttimes, we just realize that we are.

What happens next though is that our conscious mind now steps in totry to justify what we are unconsciously feeling already. So it starts tolook for proof or verification of why you are feeling what you arefeeling. That’s where the “Me Too” effect comes in. It’s when we areconstantly looking for similarities we share in order to justify what weare already feeling.

So that person says they are family oriented, or that they have a

passion for helping people and you clutch your chest and say “awwwwmeee toooo!”. He or she confesses their love for “spending qualitytime” and you say “wow...me too”









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One more thing on that…

You see, in that “talking” phase when we are attracted to someone, we

talk in a tone that guides the conversation to (a) create opportunities

for us to speak positively about ourselves and (b) elicit the responses

we want to hear from the other person.

So through many conversations, you keep hearing or feeling “Me

Too!” So for example, someone says to you:

“The environment is so important that there should be stricter laws

right?”

Even if “protecting the environment” is not a core value for you, you

instinctively feel like responding “YES”. So what just happened?

a) The person spoke in a way to create a positive impression of

themselves

b)They spoke in a way to elicit the response they wanted to hear (They

wanted you to express “Me Too!” to confirm to themselves that youshare their values)

c) You…because you like them, responded in a way to show that you

share those values (You expressed “Me Too!” to confirm to them that

you share the same values)

The problem with the Me Too! effect is that we arenot very good at separating the values we ASPIRE tohave from the ones we ACTUALLY have…so when

someone says they have a value we aspire to have,we seek to meet them on that level so we say (or

express) that we have that value too.Tobi Atte

The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other person’s values










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Chapter 3

So how do you manage this“values” issue?










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So how do you manage this “values” issue

How do you navigate the waters then? How do you understand “their”

values to see if they fit with yours? What are some important things to

know about values that will help you figure this out?

Here are a few:

It all begins with you: Understanding your own core values

You can’t find out if someone shares the same values as you if you

don’t know what your own core values are. Who are you? Not who

would you like to be or who have you been in the past but really, who

are you?

This thing called “being alive”… how do you do it? How does the

human experience show up in your life? I’m not talking about cute but

vague phrases like “I see the glass half full”. NO.

I am asking about the daily, constant and consistent behaviors, beliefs,

and values that not only shape your life but rule it.

You need this information. You need to understand yourself first.

Why though? Why is it important to know yourself first?

Well, because even if you find someone who is great. Someone who

meets all your requirements and makes your “list” look like peanuts;

it’s going to take the other half of the equation to make the

relationship work. YOU!

Yea…even if you meet this awesome person with great values, that

person can’t operate in a void. Those values they have are activated or

stifled by YOUR core values. They have to gel with yours.








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“Know thyself” ~ Socrates

Be willing to identify the values you ACTUALLY have, and separatethem from the values you ASPIRE to have.

I admit…this is a lot harder than it sounds. I know that.

When I was courting my wife, I know that I tried to portray the “new

age” man that I aspired to be. You know, that untraditional man that

does dishes, scrubs bathrooms, cooks and sees his wife as more than

an accessory. (I am happy to report that according to my wife, I am

doing excellent!)

However, the other part that was perhaps not as obvious then, is that

while I can be very “new-age” in many areas, I am still very traditional

and in the beginning, in retrospect, I may have unconsciously put

those traditional traits in the background under the assumption that

the traditional part was perhaps not as attractive to her.

Thankfully, my wife is also very traditional in many ways too so it

works out just right. Phew!

This is one of the most honest and necessary conversations we must

have with ourselves. I have seen that it is VERY easy to portray or

convince ourselves that we have values that are merely an aspiration,

perhaps because of how alluring those values are. Everyone likes to

see themselves in a good light.

So how do you manage this “values” issue








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So how do you manage this “values” issu

Think about it. Try it out. Ask anyone if they think they are kind,

motivated or sincere. Ask them if they value family, ambition,

productivity, excellence, protecting the environment, helping the

poor, or any other positive value you can think of.

What do you think they are going to say? Most likely, YES! …and youwould too.

Save yourself some disappointment. Start first by trying to understand

YOUR OWN CORE VALUES as we talked about earlier, and then take

the extra step to separate the core values you actually have, from the

ones that you simply aspire to have…or at least be honest with

yourself and determine how much of those values you really have.

This will prevent you from falsely advertising yourself and it will

prevent you from putting yourself in “Me Too!” moments that can be

costly later on.

Observe that person’s behavior in his/her natural environment

(become a fly on the wall)

Have you ever been to a really good Zoo? You’ll see animals in their

natural habitat or at least a version that is as close to the real deal as

possible.

Why?

Because part of the experience...part of understanding these animals

is not just seeing what they look like, but HOW they BEHAVE. How

they DO life. That’s what amazes us in the Zoo. That’s what helps

zoologists study animals and it’s no different for you.










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Now, please don’t go kidnapping your love interests and putting

them in cages in the name of observation. That’s not what I am

talking about here.

Don’t go stalking them either. You know… showing up at weird

times and places to spy on them. You didn’t get the permission tobe awkward from me.

What I am talking about is being able to answer 4 critical questions

as you observe your love interest or even your significant other.

1) Who are they outside of me?

Yes when that person is with you, they are patient, loving, speak

politely, have big dreams and so on. But who are they when you are

not with them ...when they are in their own natural environment?

Family, friends, school, work, sports teams they belong to, etc.

Are the things they do outside of their pursuit of you consistent

with who they are when they are with you?

What does their family think of them, the teams they belong to and

so on?

When you are not physically together, how do they spend their own

time? Is it in a constructive way? When they are not with you, are

they doing the things they say they love to do? Are they working on

the dreams they sold you on?

Sure they don’t mind going to an art gallery you picked out to hang

out for the day but where would they hang out if you weren’t in the

picture or weren’t free that day?











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2) Who were they before I met them?

This is talking about the consistent habits that ruled their lives starting

from before they met you. How often did they do xyz (church, gym,

drink, give to the poor, shop, pray, paint, party, play sports, get intotrouble, and so on).

What was consistent? How did they do life before they met you? This is

true for both the positive values and the negative ones.

Many people are so carried away (especially with new positive values) with

the notion that someone “started” (or is doing) something because ofthem but it’s often overrated. He started painting when he met me. She

started going to church when she met me. That’s great but that doesn’t

help you see if they OWN the decision to do that thing or be that person

outside of you. If you broke up right now, would they still do those things

or be that person consistently?

Now this is not something you go into, trying to compare what theyconsistently did (before you met or started a relationship), to what you

would like them to consistently do. Unless there is a non-negotiable habit

you see, this is something you do simply to observe to get to know them

for who they are.

This is not necessarily the point where you say “this person prays too little

or spends too much time in the gym for me” because like you’ll seebelow, WHY and HOW people do things is often more important than

WHAT they do.

So since you don’t have the why or the how, don’t judge yet. This question

is more for observatory purposes at this point. (Again unless you already

spot a real deal breaker)








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3) WHY and HOW?

Don’t focus on WHAT people say they have, do, can do, want to do etc.

but focus on WHY and even more importantly, HOW. HOW they have,do, can do, and want to do those things. You want to understand the

rationale (where their heart is) behind what they say and the process

behind getting those things done (to see if they have the capacity-or at

least the real desire-to follow through)

You may read that and say “is that realistic? Most people don’t know

(or can't really articulate) why they do what they do or why they feelthe way they feel. How can they figure out the “why” of other people?

Actions speak louder than words, but motives don’t speak at all. So

how can I measure anything by the motives?” I’d say sure…but

while actions speak louder than words,

motives speak deeper than words ~ Tobi Atte

…especially when there is no chance to observe action yet. So

yea...sometimes you’re able to simply observe the person’s actions

right away but sometimes, there is no opportunity to observe actions

just yet. Motives can certainly stand in the gap in the meantime.

You see, actions tell you WHAT someone is doing but doesn’t tell you

about WHO the person is or about the person’s character.

So someone says they care about eliminating world poverty. That’s

great! But seek to understand WHY. What drives that desire? What is

motivating that person? What is the rationale behind that desire to be

with you, eliminate poverty, run for president, start a business,

become a preacher, start a blog or join a gym?









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Look…not everybody will know (or be able to articulate) the deep

“conscious-earth moving” reason why they do what they do or

aspire to do what they want to do. Sometimes, they will just have

the plain simple-non glamorous answer and that’s ok too. So

interrogating them about their motives and rationale won’t do you

any good.

The most important thing here is that you have the awareness to

keep an eye and ear out for those motives that can give a glimpse

into their character and values.

The next thing you want to decipher is the intended HOW. How

exactly do they plan to do this thing? Or HOW is it that they

currently do or have this thing?

So back to our friend who wants to eliminate world poverty. Try and

understand HOW they plan to do that. By giving? By actually going to

third world countries? By volunteering for mission trips? or they plan

to eliminate global poverty only by reading blogs about world

poverty?

It is important to note here that your job is not necessarily to vet the

soundness of someone else’s dreams or to determine if their

motives or even their plan of execution is sound. You don’t have

enough information and you almost certainly don’t have the right at

this stage (If ever).

Why is the above note important? Well because we can quickly get

very critical of others forgetting that we ourselves are imperfect.

We ourselves don’t always have the perfect motives, aspirations,

execution plans and don’t always execute our plans perfectly either.











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So observe but don’t be critical.

Not everyone knows or has found their passion, purpose or “thing”.

Heck…maybe you’re the one that’s supposed to help bring it out of

that person and help that thing flourish!

This question is very important in situations where someone you are

interested in or in a relationship with says they have a passion for

something. This is especially critical if:

a) It’s something you are also passionate about and/or ;

b) It’s a passion that will affect the nature of the relationship

(Distance, finances, time, danger, risk etc)

4) Is there current evidence of future desires?

It is always hard to predict how well someone will do or how they

will turn out in the future. God is orchestrating our lives in such a

beautiful way that we can’t (and really shouldn’t try to) predict who

will turn out ok (especially because the very definition of OK varies

for everyone).

All we can do is try really hard to accomplish the goals we set out for

ourselves and while we cannot always predict who will accomplish

their own goals, we can at least see if the behaviors are in place for

God to water.

Think about it. Our friend above wants to eliminate world poverty

but spends excessively and on impulse…or someone who swears

they are building the next Apple Corporation but always seems to

have free time to goof around?











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Sure that person may not be all they can be yet. They may not have

“arrived” but you can see if they are at least on a journey. You can see if

there is current evidence in their lives and how they DO life today, that is

in alignment with what they are adamant that they want to be, do, or

have.

Note that I am not even talking about evidence of results…I am talking

about evidence of effort.

In other words, when it comes to observing values, don’t just look at how

many of their revolutionary product being made in the basement have

been sold yet, how many books they’ve sold, how much money they aremaking , how many record deals they have on the table or how many

offices have been opened.

This is not just about measuring people’s achievementor speed towards achievement. Its also critical to lookat the effort and opportunity cost it has taken to pursue

that interest. ~ Tobi Atte

Lastly, you might say “what if someone hasn’t really started yet? Well,

sure they may not have turned their garage into a manufacturing plant

yet but talk to them for 5 minutes and they would have nearly bored you

talking about this idea, statistics about that industry or details of a grand

plan and you’ll know that the wheels are already turning even thoughthere are no major results yet.

Talk to that person about eliminating world poverty and if it is something

that is truly meaningful to them and a true value system, you will see it

showing up in their life. Talk to them for a few minutes and you will be

able to hold an engaging conversation about it.









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Chapter 4

The C.E.W Formula TM










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The C.E.W Formu

Over the years, I have spoken with a lot of people and spoken at

several events on relationships, and the more I think about what it

takes to understand, define and share values, the more I realize that

there are basically three characteristics of our “indicated” shared

values that determine how our relationships turn out.

Once you feel that there might be some possibilities that you share

some values, or even when there is just an interest, it might be useful

to apply the C.E.W Formula

CONTEXT . EXPRESSION . WEIGHT

That’s the formula I developed for understanding, defining and sharing

values and I know it’s going to help you.

Here we go:

CONTEXT

This answers the question “Are we talking about the same thing?”

This deals with the context in which we define the values we say we

have. Sometimes we are too carried away by the “Me Too! Effect” that

we don’t stop to verify that we are even talking about the same thing.

Think of this statement:

“I think Jesus is amazing”

One context can be “I think he is amazing because He came from

Heaven, lived as a man, taught us how to live, and died for our

sins”.








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Another context can be:

“I don’t believe in him as the savior of my soul but I have studied

great men in history and he is one of my favorite historical figures.

In fact, he is part of my Ph.D. thesis.”

You see, the statement was the same for both people but they

were talking about two different contexts.

Same thing applies when you identify a value. Take a moment to

make sure that you are actually talking about the same thing and

that you understand how you both define that value.

EXPRESSION

This answers the question “HOW do you consistently carry out

this value?”. This deals with the expression of the value.

Think of this value statement:“I am a Christian”

One expression of that value could be:

“I believe Jesus died for my sins and I go to church 4 times a week,

I lead Bible study and I lead the choir. I also fast 4 days a week and

tithe 15% instead of 10%!”

Another expression could be

“I believe Jesus died for my sins and I go to church once in a while,

as often as I can. I read the Bible somewhat often and I don’t really

do much in terms of activities outside of Sunday service. I think

f asting is good but I rarely do it”

The C.E.W Formu








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One is not necessarily “better” than the other because our salvation

is not only determined by the magnitude of our activities, but it is

worth mentioning that the difference in expression of these values if

not properly managed can almost make it seem as if they don’t even

share those values at all!

Now, you don’t have to express your values in the exact same way for

your relationship to work (Thank goodness right!!)

No not at all.

However, it is important that you don’t have false expectations andit’s important that you are at least somewhat informed about what

(and who) you are getting yourself involved with.

Remember also that when you are answering a HOW question, you

are looking for process and evidence so it may not be useful to only

ask someone how they express their value but as we talked about

earlier, you want observe them.

WEIGHT

This answers the question “How important is this to you?” This deals

with the rank of the value.

Think of this statement:

“Fitness is important to me”

That could rank number 2 on a person’s core value list and it could

rank number 10! (1 being most important and 10 being least

important)

The C.E.W Formu








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Ranking number 2 could mean that compared to other values,

fitness will always find a way to come out on top.

You know…that person that works overtime at their job and still

finds a way to go to the gym 4 days a week …but doesn’t have

much time to attend the fun circus all seven days it’s in town .

Ranking number 10 could mean that stacked against other values,

when push comes to shove, when time, money and other

resources are in short supply, fitness takes a back seat.

So then you enter a relationship and realize that the other person

is not really doing that thing or acting on that value as much as

you thought or with the intensity you were expecting.

Well, sometimes they were telling the truth when they said that

value was important…they weren’t lying…we just didn’t really

take a look at HOW important it was.

So for example, they weren’t lying when they said they had that

value, we just assumed it ranked high when it actually ranked

much lower for them.

You can apply this formula to anything and any value system you

are both talking about.

Whether its a new relationship or even a marriage, The C.E.W is

certainly a conversation format you can employ to talk about your

values.

The C.E.W Formu










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Chapter 5

Working through yourdifferences










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It is VERY important that you understand that differences are not

necessarily a bad thing.

“It is our differences that make us useful to oneanother”

I’ll never forget those words (and neither should you) as they rolled

off the tongue of my college president during a speech in college.

Yes, while it is important to make sure that our core values are similar

and that we are heading in the right direction with our significantother, it is also important not to go looking for your twin to enter a

relationship with.

You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is exactly

like you.

You need healthy difference.

WHAT are healthy differences?

Let’s use the C.E.W Formula as a basis.

When it comes to healthy differences, the area of most flexibility is

the EXPRESSION, followed by the WEIGHT. There really isn’t too muchflexibility in CONTEXT.

In other words, a difference in expression is manageable; a difference

in weight is somewhat manageable; but a difference in context is

often not manageable. There must be alignment in context.

Working through your differenc








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One healthy difference is a scenario where even though the

expression (HOW we carry out the value) may somewhat differ, the

context (The MEANING of the value) and the weight (How

IMPORTANT the value is to each person) are the same (or at least

close)

Another healthy difference scenario is when one of the other person’s

values is not one that you both share but doesn’t oppose your own

core values.

Once you really share the same core values with someone, it’s ok to

embrace the difference in the EXPRESSION of those (and other) values

WHY are healthy differences ok (and even needed)?

Healthy differences help us understand each other even more

deeply

John and Rita are in a relationship. They both love fitness and bothlove to challenge their bodies and break a major sweat. However,

John loves the gym environment and Rita loves mountain climbing

and hiking.

When Rita is hiking she is a completely different person.

She is a master of that environment and there are things about Ritathat John would never really know until he experiences that

environment with her. Why? Because we are completely different

people when we are in the zone...in our area of mastery. We operate

from a higher place. John will see a side of Rita that only comes out

when she is expressing her passion.









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Healthy differences give an opportunity for us to add value to

each other

She is a master in that environment and there are fitness (and life)

principles that Rita can help show and teach John. She can educate

him about nature and help him achieve a level of endurance that the

gym environment cannot offer, and vice versa.

Or think about when it’s not even within the same shared value. One

person is into the arts, the other is into the sciences. So the artist

helps make the scientist’s work more beautiful, and the scientist

helps add structure to the artist’s work.

Healthy differences prevent over-compromising

Have you ever heard that “Relationships are about compromise?” It is

true…but you must be careful to what degree you have to

compromise and what you have to compromise on.

Healthy differences in the expression or execution of values prevent

over-compromising. Even if they have to alternate between hiking

and going to the gym, John and Rita never have to really over-

compromise when it comes to fitness because they are still operating

in the same core value of fitness.

It’s easier to alternate between outdoor hiking andindoor gym, than between physical activity and

pigging out at the buffet.








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Healthy differences give each person an opportunity for

personal development

You can’t give what you don’t have. You can’t help motivate,

encourage, push, enlighten, educate or grow the other person if you

do not have those things or have a way to feel those things for

yourself

Three closing thoughts on differences:

Healthy difference ensure that even if your pathsand methods are different, your goal and ultimatedestination is the same

Don’t penalize someone just because they are notexactly like you

Healthy differences help us GROW each other.








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Chapter 6

One final thought on values anddifferences:

Be flexible. Values can

change…even yours










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As much as you want to do your due diligence and ensure that

there is alignment of both of your value systems…as much as you

want to make sure that you are not just swept away blindly andmisdiagnosing your affection for some short lived psychological

bias, you also want to remember (importantly) that values can

change…even yours!

Be flexible.

Even after the preliminary “investigation”, even after you bothpass the values compatibility test, LIFE HAPPENS! Events, people,

situations come up that can alter and change our values, and we

need to be open to that.

This can happen to one person in the relationship and it can

happen to both of you at the same time.

Again, be flexible.

Be flexible. Values can change…even you










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Chapter 7

Finding your Yoke buddy










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If you have spent 37 seconds in a singles fellowship, you have

probably heard this verse before…

2nd Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally yoked

with unbelievers…”

But what does it REALLY mean to not be unequally yoked? What

practical knowledge can we extract from that verse aside from the

beaten path of “marry a Christian”?

There are 3 important concepts in that verse to understand when

it comes to values.

So let’s understand this yoke thing first:

The Yoke was used to evenly distribute the weight between two

Oxen as they pulled a wagon or plough. The author of that verse

in the Bible used that great metaphor talking about two oxen

bound together by a yoke as they worked in the field.

Now can you imagine if one Ox is taller, stronger, and faster than

the other? That Ox would carry most of the weight of the plough

and might get over worked and even injured.

Even the shorter, weaker and slower Ox is not spared from

possible injury when the other one gives in to the weight.Not only that, one Ox moving faster than the other means that

together, they never plough straight! They’ll be going in circles!

Finding your Yoke budd










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So what are some important takeaways form that verse when itcomes to values?

Relationships take work

The metaphor of two oxen ploughing in the field is not acoincidence. You must be willing to put in the effort and “pull your

own -spiritual, psychical, financial, emotional -weight” however

you have agreed to share it. Understanding, defining and sharing

values helps to make sure that you are at least heading in the

same direction so that the “work” of the relationship is not more

than it should.

Marriage is about pairing for a purpose

There is a bigger reason…a greater cause for you to be married to

someone. There is a purpose for which you were brought

together. This is especially true if you are a Christian. God brings

you both together so that your marriage can accomplish certain

things.

Sure, a part of being unequally yoked is marrying someone that

does not share your faith but the other side of that coin is

marrying someone who does not share your purpose or whose

purpose does not work with yours.

The problem is not necessarily the Ox, it’s the pairing

The issue isn’t that one Ox is better than the other. It’s not that

taller oxen are better than shorter ones or vice versa. The problem

comes in the improper pairing. Why? Because if you put the short

ox with another short ox, they suddenly make a great pair and are

better yoked.











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Look at that scripture again:

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers”

Many Christian singles and couples understand the last two words

really well “…with unbelievers”, but they don’t understand the first

part “Do not be unequally yoked” as well.

They forget that it is very possible to be unequally yoked with

someone who IS actually a believer.

Just because you are a believer and the other person is a believer

does not guarantee that you are both equally yoked. It doesn’t

“automatically” solve the problem of equal yoking. Being equally

yoked in the context of values and marriage means that not only

are you both believers, but you understand, define and share the

values around marriage and its purpose.

Marrying a believer certainly means you are “better” yoked but to

be “equally” yoked takes some deeper understanding. So seek that

understanding from God and let him be your guide.

He still speaks











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A note from Christ’s model

Marriage is made up two imperfect people who are perfect

for each other

I mentioned earlier in the book that your goal is not to find

someone who is exactly like you. Here is one more. Your goal is not

to find the perfect person either. He or She does not exist. In

Christ’s model, marriage is for two imperfect people who are

perfect for each other because their union moves them both

towards a better version of themselves in Christ. You see,

We often make the mistake of assuming that weought to look for someone who is good for us

(and that’s true) but we miss the fact that part ofwhat makes that marriage work is to be with

someone that we are good for too.

So together, we chisel each other and sharpen each other to help

each other become closer and closer to the version God intended

that person to be by BEING an example for that person.

So imperfections are sort of built in to marriages. He helps her

self-control and she helps his faith. She helps his Joy and he helps

her peace…











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A non-negotiable: Rom 8:14.

There are very few “non-negotiables” for the Christian single but

this is one of them. The Bible verse says “For as many as are led by

the Spirit of God, they are the sons (And daughters) of God”.

This isn’t to say that those who are not Christians aren’t capable or

worthy of love and it’s not so say that they don’t desire to love

deeply with good intentions. It simply means that as a Christian, a

major driving force of your own life is your faith. It’s in the driver’s

seat and you can’t just shush it or drop it off at the next corner so

you can travel solo. It goes everywhere with you. Its the place from

which you DO life.

It WEIGHS a lot for you. It matters, and when someone is not on

that same page with you, it is glaring. The effect is immediate and

it’s one difference that can quickly put a wrench in the relationship.

So how do you know if someone is a child of God? Ask yourself:

“In my interaction and observation of this person, does it seem like

they are LED by the Holy Spirit?”

In other words, does this person live as if they are accountable to

the Holy Spirit?

Same goes for you. Make sure you are LED by the Holy Spirit and

make sure that you are accountable as well.

Its also important to say here that its probably a good idea to

practice being led by the spirit in smaller/other areas of your life

before you test it out for marriage











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Chapter 8

So…where do you go from here?










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So…where do you go from here

This eBook is part of a larger body of work I am putting together, so

stay tuned!

Writing this book has been meaningful to me and I hope that reading

it has been meaningful to you as well.

So where do you go from here?

You start getting to know yourself. You go on a journey to

understand your values and why you have them in the first place.

If you are married, you have a marriage cuddle session and ask eachother about your values. You seek to understand, define and make

sure that you still share the same values.

For those that you don’t share as much as before, (hopefully they

are not life altering-marriage wrecking ones) you figure out how to

manage those differences and turn them into advantages for the

relationship.

The area of relationships is a critical one in our lives and as they say,

“if that area is right, life is generally better even if not convenient.”

However, if it is wrong, life is worse even with all the convenience

available”.

Choose wisely, don’t be afraid to find out directly (or indirectly

through observation) about each other’s values. They are the

engines that run our lives.

Be flexible though….it’s often our differences that make us

useful to each other.








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Blog/Event/Booking:www.ijustmetme.com

Facebook: / ijustmetme

Twitter: / ijustmetme

YouTube: / ijustmetme

Instagram: / TobiAtte

Tobi is a licensed life, relationship and

motivational coach. He is the author of

some life changing articles and a sought

after speaker and coach. He helps

people simplify wisdom and makes it

applicable to their lives so they candiscover and become the best version of

themselves.

Enjoyed this? Click HERE

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2. “Reverse Halo Effect.” En.wikipedia, n.p n.d Web. 11 Dec. 2014

3. “Fundamental Attribution Error.” En.Wikipedia, n.p n.d Web. 11

Dec. 2014

4. “Actor-Observer Bias.” En.Wikipedia, n.p n.d Web. 11 Dec. 2014

5. “Salience.” En.Wikipedia, n.p n.d Web. 11 Dec. 2014

Citatio

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halo_effect






http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error




http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Actor%E2%80%93observer_asymmetry





http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salience_%28neuroscience%29








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