how to manage conflict using theory

Navigating Conflict Using Theory for Success

Dr. Paul L. Gerhardt, PhD

www.paulgerhardt.com

Key Models for Managing Conflict Attribution Theory: Fritz Heider (1948) Crucial Conversations: Patterson, Granny,

McMillan, & Switzler (2011) Johari Window: Luft & Ingham (1955) Think Win-Win: Stephen Covey (2004) Transactional Analysis: Eric Berne: (1964)

Short Story About My Wife

Car Repair Heater Problem Paid $500 for parts Paid $89 labor More Repairs Needed Me to Talk to Mechanic What REALLY happened?

Activity: Find a PARTNER

1. Decide who is Partner “A” and Partner “B”

Facts vs YOUR Story

Johari Window We Do Not Always Know What We Don’t Know.

Facts about Conflict Conflict is essential for organizations if it is balanced Conflict often occurs because most people fail to

make their expectations known to other parties Conflict Styles

Accommodating Conflict Style: Satisfies the other party, Neglects ones’ own needs

Compromising Conflict Style: Often used during collective bargaining

Words and Actions –Partner practice

Passive-Aggressive Aggressive Assertive

Assertive PhrasesTo formulate your sentences in an assertive way, start your sentences using the

following: “I don’t want you to…” “I want to…” “I liked it when you said…” “I liked it when you did…” “When you do…I feel…” “Would you…” “I have a different opinion. I think that…” “Let’s agree to disagree on this and move on.” “When you do…I feel…because…” “I have decided not to…” “I won’t…”

Assertiveness Steps

Step ONE: Set an Objective Step TWO: Determine how to Create a Win-

Win Situation Step THREE: Develop Assertive Phrases Step FOUR: Implement your plan

persistently

Human States of Interaction

Win-Win = Win Win-Lose = Lose Lose-Win = Lose Lose-Lose = Lose Lose = Lose Win-win or No Deal

WIN-WIN: “Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.” BALANCE: COURAGE + CONSIDERATION

People who choose to win and make sure others also win practice win-win. They search for solutions that will make them happy and simultaneously satisfy others.

Seeks mutual benefit. Is cooperative, not competitive Listens more, stay in communication longer,

and communicates with more courage.

EGO STATES

Ego Portraits

People have favorite, preferred ego state, depicted by larger circle in a diagram

Parent Adult Child

P

A

C

P

A

C

P

A

C

Ego States—BerneCritical Parent—Control conversation, autocratic style,

judgmental, opinionated, demanding, disapproving, disciplining

Sympathetic parent-Protecting, permitting, consoling, caring, nurturing, consultative, participative.

Natural Child—curious, intimacy, fun, joyfulness, fantasy, impulsive (not very managerial)

Adapted Child—rebelliousness, putting, angry, fear anxiety, inadequacy, procrastination, finger-pointing, aggressive.

Adult Ego state—gather information; rational thinking, calculating, factual, unemotional, cool, calm behavior.

Intonations: It’s the Way You Say It!

Placement of the emphasis

Why don’t I take you to dinner tonight?







What it means

I was going to take someone else.

Instead of the guy you were going with.

I’m trying to find a reason why I shouldn’t take you.

Do you have a problem with me?

Instead of going on your own.

Instead of lunch tomorrow.

Not tomorrow night.

Complementary ‘Transactions’

Interactions, responses, actions regarded as appropriate and expected from another person.

Parallel communication arrows, communication continues.

Example 1: #1 What time do you have?

#2 I’ve got 11:15.

P

A

C

P

A

C

Crossed ‘Transactions’ Interactions, responses, actions NOT regarded as appropriate or expected

from another person. Crossed communication arrows, communication breakdown.

Example 1 #1 What time do you have?

#2 There’s a clock on the wall, why don’t you figure it out yourself?

P

A

C

P

A

C

Transactional Analysis Role PlayRound ONE: Partner A: Adapted Child Partner B: Adapted ChildRound TWO: Partner B: Adapted Child Partner A: Sympathetic ParentRound THREE: Partner A: Adult Partner B: Adult

Recognize Each Ego State Complementary Behavior Sample (Child-Parent)

Employee (child) “I just dropped the thing when I was almost done. Now I have to do it all over again.”

Supervisor Response (Parent) “It happens to all of us; don’t worry about it.”

Complementary Behavior Sample (Adult-Adult) Supervisor (Adult) “Please get this order ready for me by two o’clock.” Employee (Adult) “I’ll have it done before tow o’clock, no problem.”

Crossed Transaction (Child-Child) Employee (child) “I just dropped the thing when I was almost done.

Now I have to do it all over again.” Supervisor (Child) “You are so clumsy”

Crossed Transaction (Parent-Child) Supervisor (Parent) “Please get this order ready for me by two o’clock.” Employee (Child) “Why do I have to do it? Why don’t you do it

yourself? I’m busy.”

XYZ Model X When you do X…(behavior) Y (Consequences) happens Z I feel Z (feelings) Don’t wait too long to deal with the problem Don’t BlameStep 1. Have each party state his or her complaint using the XYZ model

Step 2. Agree on the problem(s)

Step 3. Develop alternative solutions

Step 4. Make an agreement for change and follow up

Examples Good Examples of XYZ Statements � When you made dinner (X) today (Y), I felt really special (Z). When you ignored me (X) last night (Y), I felt hurt and disappointed (Z).� Thanks for babysitting the kids (XY). I feel so pampered (Z).� I felt so humiliated (Z) when you yelled at me (X) in front of your parents (Y).� When you showed up 15 minutes late (X) for our appointment with the imam (Y), I was very �

embarrassed (Z). Bad Examples of XYZ Statements �When you leave your dishes in the sink, I feel like you are a slob. Slob is not a feeling; it’s name-calling. Instead of addressing the behavior that you dislike,

you’re basically implying that it is part of their character and that they can’t change. Alternative: It bothers me when you leave your dishes in the sink without washing them. You never listen to me when I talk. You’re so inconsiderate.� Don’t over generalize and disregard the past. Using phrases such as “you always” or “you

never” implies that the issue is so big that it can never change.

Steps to a Successful Outcome Remember to breathe, stay centered, and monitor your emotions.

Step 1: Use a soft entry. Step 2: Introduce the problem or challenge from your

perspective. If this is difficult for you - say so. If not, don’t. Step 3: Cultivate an attitude of inquiry, discovery and curiosity.

Let them express their perspective - fully. Step 4: Acknowledge their perspective. Step 5: Problem-Solving. Now you’re ready to begin building

solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful, Ask your opponent/partner what they think would work. Whatever they say, find something that you like and build on it (reframing).

If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to Step 3. Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety, and they’ll be more willing to engage.

Concepts of Crucial Conversations: Get Unstuck

Spot the conversations that are keeping you stuck. • Start with Heart

Stay focused on what you really want. • Learn to Look

Notice when safety is at risk. • Make It Safe

Make it safe to talk about almost anything. • Master My Stories

Stay in dialogue when you’re angry, scared or hurt. • STATE My Path

Speak persuasively, not abrasively. • Explore Others’ Paths

Listen when others blow up or clam up. • Move to Action

Turn crucial conversations into action and results.

Key Leadership Responsibilities:

1. Maintain employees’ self-esteem 2. Listen and respond with empathy to employees 3. Ask for employees’ help in solving problems 4. Offer help to employees without taking away

responsibility 5. See that goals and measurements are associated

with all activities 6. Position the employee for success rather than failure 7. Set-up appropriate controls when delegating 8. Provide necessary resources and support

(Byham, 1989).

QUESTIONS?

Thank you!

Please feel free to always contact me:Dr. Paul L. Gerhardt, PhD

Phone: 253-640-6934

Email: [email protected]

WEB: www.paulgerhardt.com

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