how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk (excerpt)

8/2/2019 How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (excerpt)

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Will bring about more cooperation from children than all the yell-

ing and pleading in the world.Christian sCienCe Monitor

An excellent book thats applicable to any relationship.

Washington Post

Practical, sensible, lucidthe approaches Faber and Mazlish layout are so logical you wonder why you read them with such a burst

of discovery.

FaMily Journal

An exceptional work, not simply just another how to bookAll

parents can use these methods to improve the everyday quality of their relationships with their children.

Fort Worth star telegraM

Praise for

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and

Listen So Kids Will Talk


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How to alk So Kids WillListen and Listen So Kids

Will alk30th Anniversary Edition

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Updated with new insights from the next generation

You can stop ghting with your children! Here is the bestselling book thatwill give you the know-how you need to be more eective with your chil-drenand more supportive o yoursel. Enthusiastically praised by parentsand proessionals around the world, the down-to-earth, respectul approacho Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish makes relationships with children o allages less stressul and more rewarding. Now, in this thirtieth-anniversaryedition, these award-winning experts share their latest insights and sugges-tions based on eedback theyve received over the years.

Teir methods o communicationillustrated with delightul cartoonsshowing the skills in actionoer innovative ways to solve common prob-lems. Youll learn how to:

* Cope with your childs negative eelingsrustration, disappointment,anger, etc.

* Express your anger without being hurtul

* Engage your childs willing cooperation

* Set rm limits and still maintain goodwill

* Use alternatives to punishment

* Resolve amily conficts peaceully


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How

to TalkSo Kids

Will Listen& ListenSo Kids

Will Talk

Adele Faber &

Elaine MazlishWith a New Afterword:

The Next Generation by Joanna Faber

Illustrations by

Kimberly Ann Coe

SCRIBNER

New York London Toronto Sydney New Delhi


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Contents

Acknowledgments vii

A Letter to Readers ix

How to Read and Use This Book xiii

1. Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings 12 Engaging Cooperation 48

3. Alternatives to Punishment 90

4. Encouraging Autonomy 139

5. Praise 175

6. Freeing Children rom Playing Roles 205

7. Putting It All Together 232Whats It All About, Anyway? 239

Afterword 241

Many Years Later 243

I. The Letters 249

II. Yes, but . . . What i . . . How about . . . ? 265

III. Their Native Tongue 279

30th Anniversary 286

The Next Generation 287

Some Books You May Find Interesting 333

For Further Study . . . 335

Index 337


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ix

A Letter to Readers

Dear Reader,The last thing we ever thought wed be doing was writing ahow-to book on communication skills or parents. The rela-tionship between each parent and child is a very personal and

private matter. The idea o giving anyone instructions on howto talk in such a close relationship just didnt eel right to us.In our rst book, Liberated Parents/Liberated Children, wetried not to teach or preach. We had a story to tell. Our years o

workshops with the late child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott hadaected our lives deeply. We were sure that i we told the storyo how our new skills had changed the way we treated both ourchildren and ourselves, that our readers would catch the spirit

behind the skills and be inspired to improvise on their own.To some extent it did work that way. Many parents wrote

to tell us proudly o what they had been able to accomplishin their homes just rom reading about our experiences. Butthere were other letters, and a common appeal ran throughthem all. They wanted a second booka book with les-sons . . . practice exercises . . . rules o thumb . . . tear-out reminder pages . . . some kind o materials that wouldhelp them to learn the skills step-by-step.

For a while we considered the idea seriously, but our initialresistance returned and we pushed the thought to the back oour minds. Besides, we were too busy concentrating on thespeeches and workshops we were preparing or our lecturetours.

During the next ew years we traveled around the country,

conducting workshops or parents, teachers, school principals,hospital stas, teenagers, and child-care workers. Wherever we went, people shared with us their personal experiences


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A Letter to Readers

x

with these new methods o communicationtheir doubts,their rustrations, and their enthusiasm. We were grateul tothem or their openness and we learned rom them all. Ourles were bulging with exciting new material.

Meanwhile, the mail continued to come in, not only romthe United States but rom France, Canada, Israel, New Zea-land, the Philippines, India. Mrs. Anagha Ganpule rom NewDelhi wrote:

There are so many problems about which I would like to

take your advice. . . . Please let me know what I could do tostudy the subject in depth. I am at a dead end. The old waysdo not suit me, and I do not have the new skills. Please helpme get over this.

That was the letter that did it. We started to think again about the possibility o writing

a book that showed how. The more we talked about it, themore comortable we became with the idea. Why not a how-

to book with exercises so that parents could teach themselvesthe skills they wanted to know?

Why not a book that would give parents a chance to practicewhat theyve learned at their own paceeither by themselvesor with a riend?

Why not a book with hundreds o examples o helpul dia-logues so that parents could adapt this new language to theirown personal style?

The book could have cartoons that would show the skills inaction, so that a harried parent could glance at a picture andgive himsel or hersel a quick reresher course.

Wed personalize the book. Wed talk about our own ex-periences, answer the most commonly asked questions, andinclude the stories and new insights that parents in our groupshave shared with us over the past six years. But, most impor-

tant, wed always keep sight o our larger goalthe constantsearch or methods that arm the dignity and humanity oboth parents and children.


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A Letter to Readers

xi

Suddenly our original uneasiness about writing a how-tobook vanished. Every other art or science has its skill books.

Why not one or parents who want to learn how to talk so theirkids will listen, and listen so their kids will talk?

Once we decided, we started writing rapidly. We hope toget a complimentary copy o to Mrs. Ganpule in New Delhibeore her children are grown.

Adele FaberElaine Mazlish


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xiii

How to Read

and Use This Book

It seems presumptuous or us to be telling anyone else howto read a book (particularly when both o us have been knownto start books in the middle or even read them backward).

But since this is our book wed like to tell you how we think itshould be tackled. Ater youve gotten the eel o it by fippingthrough and glancing at the cartoons, start with Chapter I.Actuallydo the exercises as you go along. Resist the tempta-tion to skip over them and get to the good parts. I you havea compatible riend with whom to work on the exercises, somuch the better. We hope youll talk and argue and discuss

your answers at length.

We also hope youll write your answers down so that thisbook becomes a personal record or you. Write neatly or illeg-ibly, change your mind and cross out or erase, but do write.

Read the book slowly. It took us more than ten years tolearn the ideas in it. We dont suggest that you take that longto read it; but i the methods suggested here make sense to

you, you might want to make some changes, and its easierto change a little at a time than all at once. Ater youve reada chapter, lay the book aside and give yoursel a week to dothe assignment beore going on. (You may be thinking, Witheverything else I have to do, the last thing I need is an assign-ment! Nevertheless, experience tells us that the discipline ohaving to put skills into action and record the results helps putthe skills where they belonginside you.)

Finally, you may wonder why some portions o this book,

which is written by two people, are told rom the point o viewo one person. It was our way o solving the bothersome prob-lem o constantly having to identiy who was speaking about


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xiv

How to Read and Use This Book

whose experience. It seemed to us that I would be easier orour readers than a constant repetition o I, Adele Faber . . .or I, Elaine Mazlish. . . . As or our conviction o the value othe ideas in this book, we speak in unison. We have both seenthese methods o communication at work with our own ami-lies and with thousands o others. It is a great pleasure or usto share them with you now.


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1 Helping ChildrenDeal with Their Feelings

PART II was a wonderul parent beore I had children. I was an ex-pert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs.Then I had three o my own.

Living with real children can be humbling. Every morningI would tell mysel, Today is going to be dierent, and everymorning was a variation o the one beore: You gave her morethan me! . . . Thats the pink cup. I want the blue cup. . . .This oatmeal looks like throw-up. . . . He punched me. . . .I never touched him! . . . I wont go to my room. Youre notthe boss over me!

They nally wore me down. And though it was the last thingI ever dreamed Id be doing, I joined a parent group. Thegroup met at a local child-guidance center and was led by a

young psychologist, Dr. Haim Ginott.The meeting was intriguing. The subject was childrens

eelings, and the two hours sped by. I came home with a headspinning with new thoughts and a notebook ull o undigestedideas:

Direct connection between how kids feel and how they be-have.


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How to Talk So Kids Will Listen . . .

When kids feel right, theyll behave right.

How do we help them to feel right?By accepting their feelings!

ProblemParents dont usually accept their childrens feel-ings. For example:You dont really feel that way.Youre just saying that because youre tired.Theres no reason to be so upset.

Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids. Also teaches them not to know what their feelings arenot totrust them.

Ater the session I remember thinking, Maybe other par-ents do that. I dont. Then I started listening to mysel. Hereare some sample conversations rom my homejust rom a

single day.CHILD: Mommy, Im tired.ME: You couldnt be tired. You just napped.CHILD: (louder) But Im tired.ME: Youre not tired. Youre just a little sleepy. Lets get

dressed.CHILD: (wailing) No, Im tired!

CHILD: Mommy, its hot in here.ME: Its cold. Keep your sweater on.CHILD: No, Im hot.ME: I said, Keep your sweater on!CHILD: No, Im hot.

CHILD: That TV show was boring.ME: No, it wasnt. It was very interesting.

CHILD: It was stupid.ME: It was educational.CHILD: It stunk.ME: Dont talk that way!


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Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings

Can you see what was happening? Not only were all ourconversations turning into arguments, I was also telling mychildren over and over again not to trust their own perceptionsbut to rely on mine instead.

Once I was aware o what I was doing, I was determinedto change. But I wasnt sure how to go about it. What nallyhelped me most was actually putting mysel in my childrensshoes. I asked mysel, Suppose I were a child who was tired,or hot or bored? And suppose I wanted that all-important

grown-up in my lie to know what I was eeling . . . ?Over the next weeks I tried to tune in to what I thought mychildren might be experiencing, and when I did, my wordsseemed to ollow naturally. I wasnt just using a technique. Ireally meant it when I said, So youre still eeling tiredeventhough you just napped. Or Im cold, but or you its hot inhere. Or I can see you didnt care much or that show. Aterall, we were two separate people, capable o having two dier-

ent sets o eelings. Neither o us was right or wrong. We eachelt what we elt.

For a while, my new skill was a big help. There was a no-ticeable reduction in the number o arguments between thechildren and me. Then one day my daughter announced, Ihate Grandma, and it wasmy mothershe was talking about.I never hesitated or a second. That is a terrible thing to say,I snapped. You know you dont mean it. I dont ever want tohear that coming out o your mouth again.

That little exchange taught me something else about mysel.I could be very accepting about most o the eelings the chil-dren had, but let one o them tell me something that made meangry or anxious and Id instantly revert to my old way.

Ive since learned that my reaction was not that unusual. Onthe ollowing page youll nd examples o other statements

children make that oten lead to an automatic denial rom theirparents. Please read each statement and jot down what youthink a parent might say i he were denying his childs eelings.


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I. CHILD: I dont like the new baby.PARENT: (denying the feeling)

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

II. CHILD: I had a dumb birthday party. (Ater you went allout to make it a wonderul day.)PARENT: (denying the feeling)

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

III. CHILD: Im not wearing this stupid retainer anymore. Ithurts. I dont care what the orthodontist says!PARENT: (denying the feeling)

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

IV. CHILD: I hate that new coach! Just because I was oneminute late he kicked me o the team.PARENT: (denying the feeling)

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

Did you nd yoursel writing things like:Thats not so. I know in your heart you really love the

baby.

What are you talking about? You had a wonderul partyice cream, birthday cake, balloons. Well, thats the last partyyoull ever have!


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Your retainer cant hurt that much. Ater all the moneyweve invested in your mouth, youll wear that thing whetheryou like it or not!

You have no right to be mad at the coach. Its your ault.You should have been on time.

Somehow this kind o talk comes easily to many o us. Buthow do children eel when they hear it? In order to get a senseo what its like to have ones eelings dismissed, try the ollow-ing exercise:

Imagine that youre at work. Your employer asks you todo an extra job or him. He wants it ready by the end o theday. You mean to take care o it immediately, but because oa series o emergencies that come up you completely orget.Things are so hectic, you barely have time or your own lunch.

As you and a ew coworkers are getting ready to go home,your boss comes over to you and asks or the nished piece o

work. Quickly you try to explain how unusually busy you weretoday.He interrupts you. In a loud, angry voice he shouts, Im

not interested in your excuses! What the hell do you think Impaying you orto sit around all day on your butt? As youopen your mouth to speak, he says, Save it, and walks o tothe elevator.

Your coworkers pretend not to have heard. You nish gath-

ering your things and leave the oce. On the way home youmeet a riend. Youre still so upset that you nd yoursel tellinghim or her what had just taken place.

Your riend tries to help you in eight dierent ways. Asyou read each response, tune in to your immediate gut re-action and then write it down. (There are no right or wrongreactions. Whatever you eel is right or you.)

I. Denial of Feelings: Theres no reason to be so upset. Itsoolish to eel that way. Youre probably just tired andblowing the whole thing out o proportion. It cant be


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as bad as you make it out to be. Come on, smile . . . Youlook so nice when you smile.

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

II. The Philosophical Response: Look, lie is like that.Things dont always turn out the way we want. You have

to learn to take things in stride. In this world, nothing isperect.

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

III.Advice: You know what I think you should do? Tomor-row morning go straight to your bosss oce and say,Look, I was wrong. Then sit right down and nish thatpiece o work you neglected today. Dont get trappedby those little emergencies that come up. And i youresmart and you want to keep that job o yours, youll makesure nothing like that ever happens again.

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

IV. Questions: What exactly were those emergencies youhad that would cause you to orget a special request rom

your boss?

Didnt you realize hed be angry i you didnt get to itimmediately?


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Has this ever happened beore?Why didnt you ollow him when he let the room and

try to explain again?Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

V. Defense of the Other Person: I can understand your

bosss reaction. Hes probably under terrible pressure.Youre lucky he doesnt lose his temper more oten.

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

VI. Pity: Oh, you poor thing. That is terrible! I eel so sorryor you, I could just cry.

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

VII. Amateur Psychoanalysis: Has it ever occurred to youthat the real reason youre so upset by this is because

your employer represents a ather gure in your lie?As a child you probably worried about displeasing yourather, and when your boss scolded you it brought back

your early ears o rejection. Isnt that true?Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________


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VIII. An Empathic Response (an attempt to tune into theeelings o another): Boy, that sounds like a rough ex-perience. To be subjected to an attack like that in ronto other people, especially ater having been under somuch pressure, must have been pretty hard to take!

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

Youve just been exploring your own reactions to some airlytypical ways that people talk. Now Id like to share with yousome o my personal reactions. When Im upset or hurting,the last thing I want to hear is advice, philosophy, psychology,or the other ellows point o view. That kind o talk makesme only eel worse than beore. Pity leaves me eeling pitiul;

questions put me on the deensive; and most inuriating o allis to hear that I have no reason to eel what Im eeling. Myoverriding reaction to most o these responses is Oh, orgetit. . . . Whats the point o going on?

But let someone really listen, let someone acknowledge myinner pain and give me a chance to talk more about whatstroubling me, and I begin to eel less upset, less conused,more able to cope with my eelings and my problem.

I might even say to mysel, My boss is usually air. . . .I suppose I should have taken care o that report immedi-ately. . . . But I still cant overlook what he did. . . . Well, Illgo in early tomorrow and write that report rst thing in themorning. . . . But when I bring it to his oce Ill let him knowhow upsetting it was or me to be spoken to in that way. . . .And Ill also let him know that, rom now on, i he has anycriticism I would appreciate being told privately.

The process is no dierent or our children. They too canhelp themselves i they have a listening ear and an empathic


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response. But the language o empathy does not come naturallyto us. Its not part o our mother tongue. Most o us grew uphaving our eelings denied. To become fuent in this new lan-guage o acceptance, we have to learn and practice its methods.Here are some ways to help children deal with their eelings.

TO HELP WITH FEELINGS

1. Listen with ull attention.

2. Acknowledge their eelings with a wordOh . . .Mmm . . . I see.

3. Give their eelings a name.

4. Give them their wishes in antasy.

On the next ew pages youll see the contrast between thesemethods and the ways that people usually respond to a child

who is in distress.


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INSTEAD OF HALF LISTENING,

It can be discouraging to try to get through to someonewho gives only lip service to listening.


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I. LISTEN WITH FULL ATTENTION.

Its much easier to tell your troubles to a parent who is really listening.Sometimes a sympathetic silence is all a child needs.


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INSTEAD OF QUESTIONS AND ADVICE,

Its hard or a child to think clearly or constructivelywhen someone is questioning, blaming, or advising her.


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II. ACKNOWLEDGE WITH A WORDOh . . . mmm . . . I see.

Theres a lot o help to be had rom a simple Oh . . . mmm . . . orI see. Words like these, coupled with a caring attitude, are invitations

to a child to explore her own thoughts and eelings, and possiblycome up with her own solutions.


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INSTEAD OF DENYING THE FEELING,

Its strange. When we urge a child to push a bad eeling awayhowever kindlythe child seems to get only more upset.


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III. GIVE THE FEELING A NAME.

Parents dont usually give this kind o response, because they ear thatby giving a name to the eeling theyll make it worse. Just the oppositeis true. The child who hears the words or what she is experiencing isdeeply comorted. Someone has acknowledged her inner experience.


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INSTEAD OF EXPLANATION AND LOGIC,

When children want something they cant have,adults usually respond with logical explanations o

why they cant have it. Oten, the harder we explain,the harder they protest.


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IV. GIVE A CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY.

Sometimes just having someone understandhow much you want something makes reality easier to bear.


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So there you have itour possible ways to give rst aid toa child in distress: by listening with ull attention, by acknowl-edging his eelings with a word, by giving a name to his eel-ings, and by granting him his wishes in antasy.

But more important than any words we use is our attitude.I our attitude is not one o compassion, then whatever we say

will be experienced by the child as phony or manipulative. It iswhen our words are inused with our real eelings o empathythat they speak directly to a childs heart.

O the our skills youve just seen illustrated, perhaps themost dicult is to have to listen to a childs emotional outpour-ings and then give a name to the eeling. It takes practice andconcentration to be able to look into and beyond what a childsays in order to identiy what he or she might be eeling. Yetits important that we give our children a vocabulary or theirinner reality. Once they have the words or what theyre expe-riencing, they can begin to help themselves.

This next exercise has a list o six statements that a childmight make to her parents. Please read each statement andgure out:

1. A word or two that describe what the child might be eel-ing.

2. A statement you might make to the child to show you un-

derstand the eeling.


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ACKNOWLEDGING FEELINGS

The child says.

A word thatdescribes whathe or she mightbe eeling.

Use the word in a statement thatshows you understand the eeling.(Dont question or give advice.)

EXAMPLE:The bus driver

yelled at me and

everybodylaughed.

_____________

____________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

1. Id like topunch thatMichael in thenose!

_____________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. Just becauseo a little rainmy teacher said

we couldnt goon our eld trip.Shes dumb.

_____________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. Mary invitedme to her party,but I dontknow. . . .

_____________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4. I dont knowwhy teachershave to load youdown with so

much home-work over theweekend!

_____________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Embarrassment

That must have been

embarrassing(or)

Sounds as i thatwas embarrassing


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5. We had

basketball prac-tice today andI couldnt sinkthat ball once.

_____________ ____________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6. Janey ismoving awayand shes my

best riend.

_____________ ____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________

Did you notice how much thought and eort it takes to leta child know you have a sense o what it is he or she might beeeling? For most o us it doesnt come naturally to say thingslike:

Boy, you sound angry! or

That must have been a disappointment or you, orHmm. You seem to be having some doubts about goingto that party, or

Sounds as i you really resent all that homework, orOh, that must have been so rustrating! orTo have a dear riend move away can be pretty upset-

ting.

And yet its statements like these that give children comortand ree them to begin to deal with their problems. (By the

way, dont worry about using words that are too big. The easi-est way to learn a new word is to hear it used in context.)

You may be thinking, Well, in this exercise I was able togive an initial response that showed I understoodmore orless. But where would the conversation go rom there? How

would I continue? Is it okay to give advice next?

Hold o on giving advice. I know how tempting it is to try tosolve a childs problem with an immediate solution:


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Ma, Im tired.Then lie down and rest.

Im hungry.Then eat something.

Im not hungry.Then dont eat.

Resist the temptation to make better instantly. Instead ogiving advice, continue to accept and refect on your childs

eelings.Heres an example o what I mean. A ather in our group

reported that his young son came storming into the house withthe rst statement you worked on in your workbooks: Id liketo punch that Michael in the nose!

The ather said, Normally the conversation would havegone like this:

SON: Id like to punch that Michael in the nose!FATHER: Why? What happened?SON: He threw my notebook in the dirt!FATHER: Well, did you do something to him rst?SON: No!FATHER: Are you sure?SON: I swear, I never touched him.FATHER: Well, Michael is your riend. I you take my advice,

youll orget about the whole thing. Youre not soperect, you know. Sometimes you start up andthen blame someone elsethe way you do with

your brother.SON: No, I dont. He starts up with me rst . . . Oh, I

cant talk to you.

But the ather had just attended a workshop on helping his

children deal with their eelings, and this is what actually tookplace:


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SON: Id like to punch that Michael in the nose!FATHER: Boy, youre angry!SON: Id like to push his at ace in!FATHER: Yourethat mad at him!SON: You know what that bully did? He grabbed my

notebook at the bus stop and threw it in the dirt.And or no reason!

FATHER: Hmmm!SON: I bet he thought I was the one who broke his

dumb clay bird in the art room.FATHER: You think so.SON: Yeah, he kept looking at me all the time he was

crying.FATHER: Oh.SON: But I didnt break it. I didnt!FATHER: You know you didnt.SON: Well, I didnt do it on purpose! I couldnt help it i

that stupid Debby pushed me into the table.FATHER: So Debby pushed you.SON: Yeah. A lot o things got knocked down, but the

only thing that broke was the bird. I didnt meanto break it. His bird was good.

FATHER: You really didnt mean to break it.SON: No, but he wouldnt believe me.FATHER: You dont think hed believe you i you told him

the truth.SON: I dunno . . . Im gonna tell him anywaywhether

he believes me or not. And I think he should tellme hes sorry or throwing my notebook in the dirt!

The ather was astonished. He hadnt asked questions andyet the child had told him the whole story. He hadnt givenone word o advice, and yet the child had worked out his own

solution. It seemed unbelievable to him that he could havebeen so helpul to his son just by listening and acknowledginghis eelings.


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Its one thing to do a written exercise and read a modeldialogue. Its another to put listening skills into action in a realsituation with our own children. Parents in our groups reportthat its helpul to role-play with one another and get a littlepractice beore dealing with actual situations in their ownhomes.

On the ollowing page youll nd a role-playing exerciseto try with a riend or spouse. Decide which o you will playthe child and which will play the parent. Then read only your

part.

Childs Situation(Role-Playing)

I. The doctor said that you have an allergy and need to haveshots every week so that you wont sneeze so much. Some-times the shots are painul and sometimes you hardly eel

them at all. The shot you had today was the kind that reallyhurt. Ater you leave the doctors oce, you want your parentsto know how it elt.

Your parent will respond to you in two dierent ways. Therst time, your eelings will be denied, but keep trying to get

your parent to understand anyway. When the conversationcomes to a natural conclusion, ask yoursel what your eel-ings were and share your answer with the person who is role-

playing with you.Start the scene by rubbing your arm and saying,The doctor nearly killed me with that shot!

II. The situation is the same, only this time your parent willrespond dierently. Again, when the conversation comes to anatural conclusion ask yoursel what your eelings were thistime and share your answer.

Begin the scene in the same way, by saying,The doctor nearly killed me with that shot!

When youve played the scene twice, you might want


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to reverse roles so that you can experience the parentspoint of view.

Parents Situation(Role-Playing)

I. You have to take your child or allergy shots every week.Although you know your youngster dreads going, you alsoknow that most o the time the shots just hurt or a second.Today, ater leaving the doctors oce your child complains

bitterly.Youll be playing the scene twice. The rst time, try to get

your child to stop complaining by denying his or her eelings.Use the ollowing statements (i you like, you can make upsome o your own):

Come on, it cant hurt that much.Youre making a big fuss over nothing.

Your brother never complains when he has a shot.Youre acting like a baby.Well, youd better get used to those shots. After all, youre

going to have to get them every week.When the conversation comes to a natural conclusion, ask

yoursel what your eelings were and share your answer withthe person who is role-playing with you.

Your child will start the scene.

II. The scene is the same, only this time you will reallylisten.

Your responses will show that you can both hear and acceptwhatever eelings your child might express. For example:

Sounds as if it really hurt.Mmmm, that bad!Wouldnt it be great if someone would discover a pain-free

way to treat allergies?Its not easy to get these shots week after week. I bet youllbe glad when theyre over.


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When the conversation comes to a natural conclusion, askyoursel what your eelings were this time and share your an-swer.

Your child will start the scene again.

When youve played the scene twice, you might wantto reverse roles so that you can experience the childspoint of view.

When you played the child whose eelings were brushed

aside and denied, did you nd yoursel becoming more andmore angry? Did you start out being upset about your shotand end up being mad at your parent?

When you played the parent who tried to stop the com-plaining, did you nd yoursel getting more and more irritated

with your unreasonable child?Thats usually the way it goes when eelings are denied.

Parents and children become increasingly hostile toward each

other.Parent, when you were accepting o your childs eelings,

did you sense the ght going out o your interchange? Did youexperience your power to be genuinely helpul?

Child, when your eelings were accepted, did you eel morerespected? More loving toward your parent? Was the paineasier to bear when someone knew how much it hurt? Could

you ace it again next week?When we acknowledge a childs eelings, we do him a great

service. We put him in touch with his inner reality. And oncehes clear about that reality, he gathers the strength to beginto cope.

ASSIGNMENT

At least once this week have a conversation with a child in

which you accept his or her eelings. Jot down what was saidwhile its still resh in your mind.


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26


A Quick Reminder . . .


Children Need to Have Their FeelingsAccepted and Respected.

1. YOU CAN LISTEN QUIETLY AND ATTENTIVELY.

2. YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS WITH A WORD.

Oh . . . Mmm . . . I see . . .

3. YOU CAN GIVE THE FEELING A NAME.

That sounds rustrating!

4. YOU CAN GIVE THE CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY.

I wish I could make the banana ripe or youright now!

All eelings can be accepted.Certain actions must be limited.

I can see how angry you are at your brother.Tell him what you want with words, not sts.

Note: You may nd it useul to make a copy o this and otherreminder pages and put them up in strategic locationsaround the house.


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How to Talk So Kids WillListen and Listen So Kids

Will Talk30th Anniversary Edition

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

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