How to Talk So Kids Will How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Listen & Listen So Kids

Will TalkWill TalkAdele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (1980). New York: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (1980). New York:

Harper Collins.Harper Collins.

Help Them Deal With Their Help Them Deal With Their FeelingsFeelings

Accept their feelings.Accept their feelings. Listen with full attention.Listen with full attention. Acknowledge their feelings with a word – Acknowledge their feelings with a word –

“Oh,” “Mmm” or “I see.” “Oh,” “Mmm” or “I see.” Non-judgmental listeningNon-judgmental listening

Give their feelings a name.Give their feelings a name. ““I can see you’re frustrated.”I can see you’re frustrated.”

Give them their wishes in fantasy.Give them their wishes in fantasy. ““I can tell that you didn’t like the movie. I’ll I can tell that you didn’t like the movie. I’ll

bet you wish you had seen ‘Wall-E’ instead.” bet you wish you had seen ‘Wall-E’ instead.”

When you give a feeling a name, also be When you give a feeling a name, also be specificspecific.. To show empathy – that you understand.To show empathy – that you understand. Don’t say, “I understand…” because you Don’t say, “I understand…” because you

probably don’t.probably don’t. Respond with “The movie was a little scary in Respond with “The movie was a little scary in

the part where the transformer was blown up.”the part where the transformer was blown up.”

Don’t repeat exact words back, rephrase.Don’t repeat exact words back, rephrase. Don’t repeat the names they call Don’t repeat the names they call

themselves.themselves. No: “You’re not so dumb because it took you No: “You’re not so dumb because it took you

three hours to do your homework.”three hours to do your homework.” Yes: “It must be discouraging when work takes Yes: “It must be discouraging when work takes

longer than you expect.”longer than you expect.”

To Engage a Child’s To Engage a Child’s CooperationCooperation

Describe what you see, or describe the Describe what you see, or describe the problem.problem. ““There’s a wet towel on the bed.”There’s a wet towel on the bed.”

Give information.Give information. ““The towel is getting my blanket wet.”The towel is getting my blanket wet.”

Say it with a word.Say it with a word. ““The towel!”The towel!”

Describe what you feel.Describe what you feel. ‘‘I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed.”I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed.”

Write a note.Write a note. ““Please put me back so I can dry.”Please put me back so I can dry.”

Instead of PunishmentInstead of Punishment Express your feelings strongly—without Express your feelings strongly—without

attacking character.attacking character. ““I” statements, not “you” statements.I” statements, not “you” statements. ““I’m furious my tools were left out all night!”I’m furious my tools were left out all night!”

State your expectations.State your expectations. ““I expect my tools to be put back after they’re I expect my tools to be put back after they’re

borrowed.”borrowed.” Show how to make amends.Show how to make amends.

““What these tools need now is a little steel What these tools need now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.”wool and a lot of elbow grease.”

Give the child a choice (consequences).Give the child a choice (consequences). ““You can borrow my tools and return them, or you You can borrow my tools and return them, or you

can give up the privilege of using them. Your can give up the privilege of using them. Your choice.”choice.”

Take action to follow through on Take action to follow through on consequences.consequences. Child: “Why is the tool box locked.”Child: “Why is the tool box locked.” Father: “You tell me why.”Father: “You tell me why.”

Problem solve.Problem solve. ““What can we work out so that you can use my What can we work out so that you can use my

tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?”they’re there when I need them?”

To Encourage AutonomyTo Encourage Autonomy Let children make choices.Let children make choices.

““Are you in the mood for your grey pants Are you in the mood for your grey pants today, or your red pants.”today, or your red pants.”

Show respect for a child’s struggle.Show respect for a child’s struggle. ““A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps

if you tap the side of the lid with a spoon.”if you tap the side of the lid with a spoon.” Don’t ask too many questions.Don’t ask too many questions.

““Glad to see you. Welcome home.”Glad to see you. Welcome home.”

Don’t rush to answer questions.Don’t rush to answer questions. ““That’s an interesting question. What do you That’s an interesting question. What do you

think?”think?” Encourage children to use sources outside Encourage children to use sources outside

the home.the home. ““Maybe the pet shop owner would have a Maybe the pet shop owner would have a

suggestion.”suggestion.” Don’t take away hope.Don’t take away hope.

““So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience.”That should be an experience.”

Praise and Self-EsteemPraise and Self-Esteem Describe what you see.Describe what you see.

““I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books lined up on the shelf.”lined up on the shelf.”

Specificity is important to give useful feedback and to Specificity is important to give useful feedback and to show that you are not brushing them off and that you show that you are not brushing them off and that you thought about it.thought about it.

Describe what you feel.Describe what you feel. ““It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!”It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!”

Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior with a word.with a word. ““You sorted out your pencils, crayons, and You sorted out your pencils, crayons, and

pens and put them in separate boxes. That’s pens and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call what I call organizationorganization!”!”

Give the praiseworthy behavior a name.Give the praiseworthy behavior a name. Don’t overdo praise or be too enthusiastic.Don’t overdo praise or be too enthusiastic.

You must be honest and authentic so you don’t You must be honest and authentic so you don’t interfere with a child’s desire for interfere with a child’s desire for accomplishment.accomplishment.

Don’t use “I” statements, such as, “I’m so Don’t use “I” statements, such as, “I’m so proud of you.”proud of you.” Use “you” statements such as “What an Use “you” statements such as “What an

achievement. You must be so proud of achievement. You must be so proud of yourself!”yourself!”

Point out what they do right.Point out what they do right. Don’t point out mistakes, it will keep them Don’t point out mistakes, it will keep them

from trying.from trying. Reward with praise and recognition.Reward with praise and recognition.

Positive Labels and RolesPositive Labels and Roles Children live up to expectations (self-Children live up to expectations (self-

fulfilling prophecy).fulfilling prophecy). To the roles we put them inTo the roles we put them in

““Get me my glasses” – servant.Get me my glasses” – servant. ““Mary, you’re being bossy again” – bossy.Mary, you’re being bossy again” – bossy. Overheard: “My oldest is a problem child.” – a Overheard: “My oldest is a problem child.” – a

problem.problem. Use positive labels and roles.Use positive labels and roles.

Look for opportunities to show the child a Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of herself.new picture of herself. ““You’ve had that toy since you were three and You’ve had that toy since you were three and

it almost looks like new.” – careful and it almost looks like new.” – careful and responsible.responsible.

Put children in situations where they can Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently.see themselves differently. ““Sarah, would you take the screwdriver and Sarah, would you take the screwdriver and

tighten the pulls on these drawers?’tighten the pulls on these drawers?’

Model the behavior you’d like to see.Model the behavior you’d like to see. ““It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about. It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about.

Congratulations on beating me.”Congratulations on beating me.” Be a storehouse of your child’s special Be a storehouse of your child’s special

moments when they did something good.moments when they did something good. ““I remember the time you…” – reinforcing.I remember the time you…” – reinforcing.

When a child acts according to the old label, When a child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations.state your feelings and/or your expectations. ““I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I

expect sportsmanship from you!”expect sportsmanship from you!”

RememberRemember Parents, managers, and leaders are role Parents, managers, and leaders are role

models.models. Children and employees will model your Children and employees will model your

behavior.behavior. How you act, they will act.How you act, they will act.

How you treat them is how they will treat How you treat them is how they will treat others.others.