Humorous Golf Quotes

From Golf Addicts who do it for fun!

"If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right." ---Bob Hope

Golf combines two favorite American

pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things

with a stick. ---P.J. O'Rourke

Golf is essentially an exercise in masochism

conducted out-of-doors. ---Paul O'Neil

(Baseball player)

I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.

Bob Hope

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the

lives of some of our most useless citizens.

I’d give up golf if I

didn’t have so many

sweaters. "I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in

vain when I get up there."

Few things draw men together more surely than a natural inability to master golf,

coupled with an intense and ever-increasing love for the game. ~ ~ P. G. Wodehouse

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

~ ~ Mark Twain

You can't call it a sport. You don't run,

jump, you don't shoot, you don't

pass. All you have to do is buy some

clothes that don't match.

~ ~Steve Sax

He who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.

~ Mickey Mantle

The only sure rule in golf is::

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

~ Bob Williams

Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

~ Dave Barry

I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them!

~~ Buddy Hackett

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

~ Henny Youngman

The reason the pro tells you to keep

your head down is so you can't see him laughing. ~Phyllis Diller

I play in the low 80’s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.

~Joe E. Lewis

They say “practice” makes perfect. Of course, it doesn’t.

For the vast majority of golfers it merely consolidates imperfection.

~ Henry Longhurst.

Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in

front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around.

~ Rick Reilly

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~ ~ Jesse Smith, writer

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can

never be mastered. ~ ~ Lord Robertson

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been

depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget

to hate your enemies. ~ ~Will Rogers

I was three over today: One over a house, one over a

patio and one over a

swimming pool. ~ ~ George Brett

The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things. ~John Updike

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~ Dean Martin

In golf as in lifeit’s the follow through that

makes the difference.

~ ~ Anonymous

Golf is a lot of walking, broken

up by disappointment

and bad arithmetic.

~Author Unknown

Golf Defined:Golf can best be defined as an endless

series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep

the clubs and the fresh air. ~ ~ Jack Benny

Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom.

~ ~Michael Green, The Art of Coarse Golf, 1967

“Anything I want it to be. For instance, this hole right here is a par 47 –

and yesterday I birdied the sucker.”

Willie Nelson was asked what par is on a golf course he purchased

near Austin, Texas. He answered:

Ninety percent of putts that are short, don’t go in.

~ ~ Yogi Berra

Alex Karras, Detroit Lions defensive lineman, to a startled employee, after hitting a golf ball off the first tee through a large

plate glass window in the clubhouse:

“Hey, is this room out of bounds?”

“My best score ever is 103, but I’ve only been playing

15 years.”~ ~ Alex Karras

“It took me17 years to get

3,000 hits in baseball.

I did it in one afternoon

on thegolf course.”

~ ~ ~ Hank Aaron

Gerald Ford"I would like to deny all allegations

by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."

Dwight D. EisenhowerHow has retirement affected

my golf game? A lot more people beat me now.

Woodrow WilsonGolf is an ineffectual attempt to put an elusive ball into an

obscure hole with implements ill-adapted to the purpose.

John F. Kennedy Show me a man with a great golf

game, and I’ll show you a man who has been neglecting something.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,I Hate Myself And Want To Die.It Promises A Thing Called Par,If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.