i’m sure you’ve heard this saying. 1.pdfcaused a fall-out, the breakdown of communication causes...
TRANSCRIPT
I’m sure you’ve heard this saying.
While we know, of course, that men and women both originate from Planet
Earth, in some ways the “Mars and Venus” idea isn’t actually that far off.
This is especially true in regards to the way we communicate with each
other.
So what, exactly, are these differences? And how can you understand and
use these differences to your advantage, to make your relationship with
your partner stronger, more loving, and more open and honest?
This is the central question that we’re going to solve in this book. But first, I
want to identify the distinct characteristics of male and female
communication.
I’m sure you’ve experienced the scenario where you’re talking to a man
who seems to be focusing on the wrong subject in the conversation, or not
understanding what you’re actually saying to him, and offering his own
version of events.
You wonder how he can take such a different approach to a discussion that
you and your girlfriends would be breezing through without a problem.
These are the symptoms of the classic communication difficulties many
women experience every
day with strangers, friends, boyfriends, coworkers, or even husbands.
One big difference between female and male communication is the fact
that women generally see talking as a means for social fulfillment—of
enjoying the company of another person, even if nothing in particular is
being said. A woman paints a picture that includes all the details—however
irrelevant—looking for someone to listen and understand what she is
feeling.
On the other hand, when men talk, they’re mainly looking to convey and
obtain information. They tend to “get to the point.”
If they’re looking to resolve a problem, they’ve already prepared their main
talking points before they say anything. Men generally don’t include a lot
of unnecessary details or go off on tangents, until they’ve resolved the
question or problem that is on their mind.
When women talk amongst themselves, there is usually no problem. They
communicate in a similar way and know what to expect from each other.
But when it’s a conversation between a man and a woman that are in a
Relationship, the wires can get crossed. Especially when it involves a
woman talking to a man about a problem she is having.
Women have a need to vent their emotions, when they start talking about a
problem, oftentimes it’s not because they want their man to provide a
solution. It’s because they want to vent, express their feelings, and be
heard.
Most men don’t understand this. They jump in and try to lecture her on
how she should handle the problem, or they chastise her for “making a
mountain out of a molehill,” and this leads to a fight…
When really, what he ought to do is recognize her need to be heard, and
just be supportive in letting her vent her feelings.
To help visualize and understand these differences in a relatable scenario,
let’s look at the following example:
Clarissa faces a recurring annoyance in her daily office routine. Each
morning, without fail, an annoying coworker pops her head through her
door and asks how her morning is going.
Then, without being invited, this coworker enters Clarissa’s office to chat
about her various problems and complain about things going on at the
office.
Rain or shine, well rested or tired and grumpy, Clarissa is obliged to have
this irritating conversation, day in and day out. It has become something
she dreads every morning, and something she can’t escape.
But Clarissa doesn’t want to cause any drama or unease in the office, so she
resolves to just accept the situation.
One especially stressful morning, the usual morning chat takes place and
for some reason, it bothers her more than most other days. Clarissa gets
home and decides that she needs to vent to her boyfriend Dave.
To Dave, it sounds like a problem to be solved. As Clarissa explains (in great
detail) how annoying her co-worker is, Dave cuts her off in mid-rant and
tells her exactly what she should say if it happens again tomorrow morning:
“Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but I need my time in the
mornings to get organized for the day ahead. If you want to talk we
should schedule a
time to have lunch this week.”
This seems like a logical solution to Dave. But it’s not what Clarissa wants to
hear! She isn’t going to stand for being lectured by someone who has no
idea how she feels, who isn’t even listening to her.
And so, this results in a blowout argument. Dave feels frustrated and
insulted that Clarissa never takes his advice. Clarissa is upset that Dave
interrupted her, and instead of listening to her and being supportive, he
started TELLING her what to do.
By failing to recognize her plea for support
and instead trying to “solve a problem,” Dave
didn’t provide her with the emotional
support she needed. Instead, it turned into a
fight that seemed to erupt out of nowhere.
Arguments like these are frequently the result of a breakdown in
communication. This is something many couples experience on a daily
basis.
While there may not have been anything objectionable that should have
caused a fall-out, the breakdown of communication causes frustration,
which blossoms into conflict.
Work-related stress is one large source of these kinds of situations. And in
many cases, problems at your work are not things that can be “solved” by
talking to your significant other.
It’s something you just need to put up with in order to keep your job. And
for women, especially, this means they’re going to want to vent, and
express pent-up frustrations, at home.
Getting to the root of these communication issues, and isolating them
before they develop, is a key to enabling harmony in a relationship.
Most studies on the linguistics of men and women have shown that men
see conversations as a way to “resolve” differences or problems.
But women see conversations as a form of companionship, where the act of
discussing something is the goal of the conversation, rather than a way to
fix the problem and put it to bed.
This is apparent in a lot of day-to-day encounters and conversational
situations that arise at work or at home between men and women.
The earlier example of the couple talking about an “annoying coworker”
also highlights the disparity between how men and women typically
approach a conversation.
In the following scenario, a man and a woman each answer the same
question from their partner about the exact same day. See if you can
identify which was said by a man, and which was said by a woman:
“I had a tough day…Ryan was late with the files, again. I didn’t get them
until half past two and by the time I’d finished, there were two more stacks
on my desk! I’ve been doing the work of three people lately. Do you think I
should bring this up with the head office, or should I just get the work done
and hope somebody notices and bumps up my pay?”
Now here’s a variation on the same little speech:
“I had a rough day…I spent most of it doing other people’s work for them.
Especially Mary Kate. She would have been fired a long time ago if the boss
didn’t enjoy looking at her gigantic boobs...”
“Anyway, the work just piled up and up
and up! I got it all done though around 2,
just in time to see Mary Kate walk in late
from another one of her two-hour lunch
breaks. And she was with that bitch Tina,
who is pregnant AGAIN and I’m not even
sure if
she knows who the father is.”
“My day had to have WAY been worse than your day…so, what do you
think—do I deserve higher pay since I’m picking up the slack for everyone
else?”
“They ought to pay me more than Mary Kate, that’s for sure. Did I tell you
what she said to me the other day in the ladies room? Oh, wait until you
hear THIS…”
Looking at these two examples, it should be pretty obvious which story was
spoken by a man, and which was said by a woman.
In the first example, the husband is telling his
wife about his day. He covered the main
important details to outline his experiences,
then ended with a question, to get his wife’s
opinion on whether he should seek a raise.
The story focuses on the main details, noting the challenges that must be
overcome, and seeking a solution.
He is hoping and expecting for his wife to sympathize with his day and
offer him a solution to his problem, providing both emotional and objective
support.
The second example was the woman telling her husband about her day.
While also giving objective details, this version is far more embellished, with
emphasis on painting a picture that more represents how she feels about
the day, rather than the objective facts of the day.
Although she slips in a question about whether she should ask for a raise,
the main purpose of this story isn’t to arrive at a “solution.” It’s to express
her feelings, be listened to, and to have her husband agree with everything
she is saying.
Now, it’s important to understand that neither approach is WRONG. I’m
simply pointing out these differences, because they will help you to apply
the communication techniques you’ll be learning in later chapters.
When you talk to men, you should also be mindful of the volume and tone
of your speech. Men tend to take volume and tone very seriously, especially
compared to the way a woman would regard tone and volume.
When men hear a raised voice, they tend to
think they’re being criticized or chastised. To
them, they are being talked down to and in
some cases, feel as if a raised voice or
emphasized tone is directly aggressive,
whatever the context.
Even if this is only a subconscious reaction, it still dictates his attitude
towards the conversation and may make him tense and defensive, leading
to a woman perceiving him as being uninterested in what she has to say.
To men, being talked over is usually seen as a challenge, which is not how
you want to come across if you want to have an engaging and meaningful
conversation.
Speaking more softly and evenly goes a long way towards lowering any
perceived barriers that may arise in a conversation.
Few men will openly admit this, but it is a crucial factor that should not be
underestimated.
The ways in which men and women communicate are not only verbal—they
are physical.
Recognizing signs of male and female body language, understanding what
they mean, and adjusting your own verbal language and body language
accordingly, will go a great way towards making him feel calm and
comfortable with you.
The body language a woman exhibits in conversations differs greatly from
that of a man’s, and each sex interprets the other’s body language in
different ways.
A typical conversation between two enthusiastic women will usually look
something like this:
Both women will usually be sitting up straight and will most likely be
intently facing each other, making regular eye contact and emotively
gesturing with visual indicators such as head movement or hand
movement.
Two men engaged in deep conversation will usually look something like
this:
Both men will be in a slouched position,
likely not directly facing each other and
making irregular eye contact. Some gestures
will be made, but these will usually be
indicative hand movement, very rarely
excessive head movement.
When you put a man and a woman together, the differences in body
language become clear.
Generally, the body language of each sex opposes each other, where a man
exhibiting body language typical of a female would come across as
aggressive and overbearing to another male, while the typical male body
language to a woman would seem uninterested and rude.
From these examples, you can very easily see how male and female
strangers may exhibit conflicting body language, resulting in an
uncomfortable conversation for both parties.
The key is to understand and recognize that seemingly uninterested body
language from a male, where he seems slouched and distant, is in reality an
indication that he is very comfortable with talking to you.
Male body language you should look out for, as a bad sign, is if he seems
tense or closed-off from you. This is a fairly clear and un-mistakable sign
that he does not want to continue the conversation or is finding it
uncomfortable.
Understanding and mastering the subtleties and differences in male-female
communication is what makes the difference between women who go
through life seemingly unable to really “mesh” with the right guy, and those
women that seem to be blessed with wonderful, lasting relationships.
These women are naturally gifted with an intuition that makes them much
more approachable and seem so much more interesting to men.
But there is no truly “perfect” model for a
relationship, as each person has unique
traits. Some of these traits might get on
your nerves sometimes. But part of enjoying
a stable relationship is identifying and
adapting to them.
Whether you’re in a wonderful new relationship and want to ensure the
magic persists, or you’re married and having issues connecting like you
used to, or you’re still looking for that right guy, your approach and
understanding to communication needs to be dynamic and it can ALWAYS
be improved.
The way couples communicate in relationships vastly differs from the way
you would try to engage a stranger in conversation.
While you’re trying your hardest to understand the subtleties of a bar
conversation with a cute new guy, a married wife is desperately seeking
acknowledgement from a seemingly uninterested husband.
Problems in male-female communication prevail in all walks of life, and
even exist in relationships where both parties believe they pretty much “get
along.”
But will these relationships stand the test of time?
With the information you’re going to acquire in this book, you’ll never have
to stumble though a conversation with a man again, wondering what he
really means, or if he is actually listening to you.
You can avoid using language that men
usually misread or react badly too, while
slipping in language that connects with
men on an emotional level.
Your conversations will go much more smoothly, you will come across as
more pleasant and reasonable, and you will be able to “speak his language”
in a way that he’s never felt with another woman.