ingenuous by olga martinova

7/29/2019 Ingenuous by Olga Martinova

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The author was born in 1980 in Riga, Latvia. She was

interested in books from an early age and started to

write short stories at the age of ten.

She lives in Barcelona with her partner and one year

old son.


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O l g a M a r t i n o v a

IngenuousA Short Story Compilation


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Copyright O l g a M a r t i n o v a

The right of Olga Martinova to be identified as author ofthis work has been asserted by her in accordance with section 77and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by anymeans, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, orotherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to thispublication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims fordamages.

All characters in this publication are fictitious and anyresemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the BritishLibrary.

ISBN 978 1 84963 208 9

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published (2013)Austin & Macauley Publishers Ltd.25 Canada SquareCanary WharfLondonE14 5LB

Printed & Bound in Great Britain


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Our life is a journeyThrough winter and night

We look for our wayIn a sky without light

Song of the Swiss Guards, 1793


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I n t r o d u c t i o n

There is one life to live, and fifty ways to live it in, and little timeto choose the one in fifty that will suit us best.

We all know it, and pretty much accept the bitter facts of life,because, lets face it its all there is. But human nature has adevious mind a contriving, inventing mind and that kind ofmind doesnt give up easily. It imagines, reflects, finds the way

through the obscurity of its secretive brain, bumps into the greymatter and explores its functional capacities. Since the braincontrols everything, as its believed love, pain, fear, anger,hunger and so forth it might just as well learn how to controlitself.

Persuasion is a good start, the most feasible, which doesntrequire genius. Its rather the opposite it takes a pure and

innocent soul to fathom the real nature of human depth. Itswhen only when we let our minds fall blank and turn to ourheart, when we realize that the only way there is, is right therewithin ourselves.

But the mind is a persistent devil. It needs to know, yet itssmart enough (or reasonable enough) to understand an inevitablefailure of such an undertaking, as well as the ruinousconsequences such oblivion into another dimension can incur the mind doesnt fool itself with futile hopes, it doesnt have timefor weakness. And so it brings up a saying that saves:

What you dont know cant hurt you.

Still, when our mind is tired and has let down its guard, weimagine another kind of life, that we know well never get to see,though at that moment of abandon we hope to spot, if only a

glimpse, another possibility; dreaming of a miracle to be givenanother chance, another lifetime, perhaps, to choose our wayagain.

Indeed, our mind is a great power that is too strong for the


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fragile heart to defeat. But then again, can you control yourbrain? You can, as it is. Can you control your heart?

As long as it beatsyou cant.


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S o l i l o q u y

I am a member of a dream world. Some people, the ones whonever diverge from the steadfast position on the ground, find myperception of life completely unacceptable, if preposterous. Iwont dispute it, since Ive already figured a long time ago that

proving your point to anyone with the negatively determinedopinion towards yours is damaging not only for the grey matterof your brain its a stark waste of time! There is no right orwrongthere are different choices, different opinions, and manyways of life that abound in the innumerable amount of mistakes ahuman being makes while he chooses; makes assumptions andwalks his way. As for my choice, my life is shaped around theonly truth there is for me, which I call a not giving a damnattitude. Its a state of mind that relieves you from the shacklesof your tortured self and sets you free. Its like a blessing or a giftthat you might not deserve, but aspire madly to. However, itwould be wrong to think that a not giving a damn attitude justhappens out of the blue and makes the world rosy. Not so fast.Like everything good in life, this too, has a price its a hardshipof many years, which involves some crucial aspects of a personal

development. Here is how it goes. It starts from being confusedabout everything and everyone, leading to a total alienation andthe most profound emptiness imaginable, which, subsequently,brings you to a point of total self-absorption and a drastic feelingof loneliness combined with a silent grief. To wrap things up, itslike when you are sixteen and you dont see sense in anything itsucks big time. That state of mind is a big, a huge damage to yournervous system, not to mention your complexion, which no

matter what you still care about (might be the only thing youreally care about in your dismalness). Breathe! All that isexpected! Without this infliction one can never come torevelation, that is, a not giving a damn attitude, but stay put


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there will be obstacles! Once you feel this way or, rather, whenpeople around you realize that your mind functions differently,theyll try to convert you back to normality. So, be prepared to

fight for your only right as a human being your freedom ofchoice. And to choose ones state of mind is as important andcrucial as reading Freud without being prosecuted. I know, itdoesnt sound too liberating but as one beautiful mind wrote Be patient and tough, one day this pain will be useful to you. Ikeep this in mind every time I feel a looming danger in the shapeofmy family, friends and even my neighbours dog that puts on amost tragic face to elicit pity from me every time I pass by (its

stuck on the terrace for the whole day, damn it). Unfortunately,this is the way a not giving a damn attitude works, but trust meits so worth it. It only takes some getting used to; the day willcome when all those well-wishers stop pestering you. The daywill comethe moment of true bliss!

April

What was the day? I wouldnt know, considering I couldnt careless about the actual date. The weather was warm, and I spent thewhole morning staring out of the window in completeindifference to everything in sight. I remember myself reflectingon certain things that had recently happened in my life. But soonI kind of lost the track of my thoughts; everything sort ofjumbled up and I couldnt bother to try to make sense out of it

again, not like itd had any before. However, having been in anutmost Zen-like state, I let my thoughts float to anotherdirection, totally dismissing the previous ones and then didntwaste time to lose track of the following ones as well. I guess ithad something to do with the book I had been reading at thetimeit turned out to be the opposite of what I had expected, soI must have been thinking whether I should continue reading itor not. Most probably that was exactly what occupied mythoughts, for I remember having spent the rest of the daystruggling through the pages of the book, which in the end,literally, bored me into a condition of coma.


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April

The weather was getting warmer with each day. I woke up with astrong feeling to be outside and face some street movement,which I hadnt been experiencing for some time. After havinginspected my clothes options, which hadnt been taken care of inweeks, I got confronted with quite a task. Then I rememberedone smart ass once told me to never let the obstacles in the wayof a good decision. So I figured, why even to bother with anydecision whatsoever if in the end there was always something

that got in your way? In short, I turned to my not giving a damnspirit and threw on the first piece of cloth that caught my sight.What obstacles? I dont even know the word, let alone themeaning! Thats the privilege of a not giving a damn life youjust turn yourself inside out and let all the bad cells go.

April

I didnt wake up till like Im not sure about the exact time, butwhat I was sure of was that I felt inexpressibly hungry, and that,doesnt happen often. Well, thats also the thing about being inan indifferent frame of mind you stop worrying about yournutrition as much as before, because that would mean that youcare, which is not acceptable if you want to reach a peace ofmind that offers you your exulted position as a person who

doesnt give a damn. However, it also gives you the right to beflexible in your choices. And so, I left the house in an agitatedmood to catch up with the little joys of everyday life.

1st stopCaf Bonjour

One plain black coffee and two croissants (eatable but farfrom good; I guess thats why the place is called Bonjour,meaning, you go there in the morning and eat your croissant

before it gets rigid!)

2nd stopa bookstore.

Dont get me wrong, a not giving a damn attitude doesnt


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mean an ignorant piece of log. As I said, you get to choosewhats important and whats not. Books are important. I took mytime choosing the book that would be both entertaining and

educative, without leaving me with a sensation that I knew a shit.Its really amusing how writers tend to put your self-esteem to apoint of total insignificance. I try to do my best to avoid thistype, thats why picking the right book is a matter of an extremeimportance. No matter how much you do not care, you still dontwant to be reminded of what you try not to care about.

3rd stopPet shop.

Hadnt been planned. A little hamster caught my attention sad little thing. I guess it was a female. We had a full minute of aneye contact, then, she went on, minding her own business howfemale-like (never mind).

April

Midday. I remember the time because somebody buzzed on mydoor, and I had a fleeting thought to ignore it on account of mystill being in bed. Then I checked the time and wasnt convincedwith an excuse. Sam, a curious piece of workhectic in action,slow in reaction! I have known him since I know myself.Sometimes I cant distinguish who is who we tend to mergeinto each others personalities; its some kind of psychic case, buthe is probably the only person I feel connected with, even

though its against the protocol which consists of elevenunbreakable rules:

1. Never pick up the phone (one can always leave a message,giving you a chance to decide for yourself whether toanswer back or not).

2. Keep your cool with the neighbours (terse Hello will do.Any emotional expressions beyond that will allow them tostop you for a little chat every time you pass).

3. The same thing with the children (see the clause 2) justignore them!


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4. Dont get into discussion over anything no matter howabsurd the other persons statement is (why would youeven care?).

5. Avoid all the family gatherings (why provoke yourself?)

6. Stay calm. The world can go to hell you are here to notgive a damn!

7. Have one thing to focus on (just to have something to turnyour thoughts around, otherwise your mental capacitiesstart to be questioned).

8. Always say yes, then do as you please (it worked forConfuciusa big Zen practitioner).

9. Keep any affection in moderation (strong attachmentsdestroy the balance of the whole concept).

10. Be yourselfjust dont give a damn!

11. Whatever indifference always take a shower and do your

hair (think: The Great Gatsbysexy melancholy, Tarzan inthe Junglenot so much!).

Some time in May

I consider myself quite fortunate in respect to rarely beingdisturbed. The town I live in has already quite a detached air

about it, and people are in the habit of passing you by withoutany acknowledgement of your presence whatsoever. Butwhatever appearances, I know they care no matter how hard theyhide it. However, on a sunny, warm day in May one cannot beignorant, at least not to the beauty of the nature. At first, when Icame up to this revelation, it got me confused a little, since Idbeen positively indifferent to everything. Then, I found myselfbeing drawn to the walks along the river; wandering the streets of

the old town or simply sitting on the bench, imbibing thesurroundings.

The whole of May passed in such activities as describedabove. I was wrong to think that by being in touch with an actual


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world I might be getting into a relapse. As it turned outit mademe feel even more convinced of my total detachment and notgiving a damn attitude. I discovered that by being in accord with

nature, it is how you actually live a life of your own self. Havingrealized that, I made a pact with myselfI was letting life itselftake control over me since I didnt care about an outcome forobvious reasons. It felt promising, even exciting in some way, butI dont use this word it clashes with my peaceful state of mind.

May 28th

The day of my Birthdayeven if I wanted to forget it, somebodywould be still bound to remind me about it. Seriously, Dopeople really think that congratulating you on your Birthday is anice thing to do? Im sure, most of the time wed rather not bereminded of that superb day of your life when you entered thisworld! and there are many reasons for this, one of which because you wish you never did! That is if speaking of people

in general, and they are basically out of discussion, as they aresupposed to be ignored but what you are supposed to doabout your extended line of relatives, and above all your ownmother, trying to reach you, by all possible means, to impart theirbest wishes? It takes a lot of mental meditation to stay calm, notto mention being excited and all! Or, when your best friendwants to get you out for a lets get together drink!, or,something even more considerate organizes a surprise party?

Its pretty much close to a nightmare or a suicide, for that matter.Seriously, everyone, mind your own business!

P.S. Can you stop talking to your own mother?Hypothetically, you can in reality not a chance!

May 29th

Yes, I remember this day too! It was a post surprise (trauma) B-party day! Lets just put it straight no comments well, nothere IsSam! Seriously, how could you do that to me?


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Some time in June

After having had Sam understood the full seriousness of acommitted crime, we went back to being friends again. Ofcourse, I knew (subconsciously) it was unfair to treat him the wayI did. I knew he meant good. Thats what friends, supposedly, areforthey mean good! But this is exactly what gets me peopleand their good intentions (definite way to hell, to be sure).

June

I had been reading a lot, practically all the time. Itd have beenfine, from some points of view, hadnt it been for the fact that Icaught myself rereading the books I had read before (like twice!)that got me worrying about my mental state. You see,detachment and self-perception is a good thing, dementiastatus I doubt that!

June

I live by the lake beautiful, peaceful and even inspirationalscenery to look at, especially for somebody who is looking forthese things in life. As for me, the lake, with all that amount ofwater, just makes me want to drown in it. Yes, I know, it is a

positively morbid thought, but then, wouldnt it be fair to be ableto choose the way you want to terminate your life, consideringyou are not able to give your opinion on entering it!? Shouldntbe here some compromise or some kind of law, which wouldmake it Okay to go on with whatever choice you decide tomake? I had been mulling that theory of mine over for such along period of time that I, actually, started believing in it. I evenfound the site on the internet titled To live or not to live! Well,

it had nothing to do with what I had been looking for. It said,Become a member of a Greenpeace environmental... blah,blah... blah! I stopped my search at that; it didnt really matterwhat anyone had to say about either life nor death. What


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mattered was what I myself believed in and what felt right forme.

June

Sam came by. Hed been avoiding me since our last talk (the onewhere I made him feel all guilty and repentant over his surpriseBirthday party for me). I was relieved to see him back, as ifnothing had passed between us. In gratitude, I went to a greatextent to make him feel good about himself (I owed him at least

that much). I was aware ofmy being concerned and sorry andall those things that meant YOU CARE! Nevertheless, as longas I felt the presence of indifference in me towards everythingelse around me I was fine. Sam is an exception, undeniable inevery sense. He is not only a good friend he is a good humanbeing in big letters. Whats also good about him he doesnt seeme as a lost cause that needs help. He, actually, thinks that livinga self-absorbed life, detached from the outside world, is the only

way to find new dimensions within yourself, which leads todiscovering who you really are. At first, I did not know whetherto appreciate his insight on such a complicated matter or resenthim for that. I felt like it was my call to come up with that kindof conclusion. Then, having thought it over, I realized that mystate of mind wouldve never reached that high point ofreflection, at least not when you did your best to not give adamn.

July

It pains me to look out of the window and see the hoard ofpeople smugly enjoying the warm days of summersitting at theterraces with blissful expressions on their faces; sipping colddrinks, laughing their wits off and making life seem to be a sheer

trifle. I guess thats what one is supposed to do in summer time go crazy and make a fool out of oneself (oh, how charming!). Asfor me, July is the most depressing month of the year or, rather,it used to be, but not anymore. Now, in my sublime indifference,


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I dont even notice the change of the month, sparing myself anyemotional outbreaks over it (I keep my shutters down, though,just in case).

July

I often wonder why people are expected to be happy, joyful, andfull of life in these particular months (summer months). Thesame, when its considered to be normal if you get into winterdepression. My opinion on that if you are miserable, then you

are miserable, full stop; and if you are happy, then thats whatyou are, whether its sunny or pouring rain. It all depends onyour attitude towards life and yourself. Thats why distinguishingyour own attitude towards things in general is so vital, because byfinding the right way to perceive life and your own relation to itits the straight pass to a content heart and a peaceful mind. Iguess, here, where I have to clear things out about my notgiving a damn attitude. Its not exactly an ultimate and all-

embracing force; in fact, I do care and quite profoundly, though,only and exclusively about the world within me and the way I feelit. It is by giving a break to your outer emotions towards theoutside world and ceasing to give so much importance to theirrelevant things (just think of all those amounts of superficialthings we surround ourselves with), you become a person of yourown making, you become yourselfunaffected and immune toanything that comes from outside yourself.

P.S. You can call it selfish, but then, everyone is entitled tothe life chosen for oneself, just as long as one stays true tooneself.

July

Summer rain, it brought strange feelings to me. I couldnt definethem though, only that they put me into a state of completeserenity. I could say I was almost happy, in my own indifferentway, of course. It also made me do several strange things:


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1. I called my granny; after twenty minutes of having talkedto her I realized that she had taken me for another person.Well, never mind!

2. I dropped by Sams for a little chat. Got him real nervouswith my nonchalant benevolence and after one hour ofsoliloquy I took off, leaving him with a vividly drawnquestion mark on his face (Sam, seriously, its about thetime you didnt give a damn!).

3. Went to the Supermarket; bought five types of cereals andfive types of yoghurt (I struck a positively handsome

picture of a family man, piling it all into the basket. I wassure of it).

4. Watched the movie (missed a half of it down to my fullconcentration on Choco Pops soaked in vanilla yoghurt).

July

The days of July were dragging on in a quiet indifference toeverything beyond my shuttered down windows. There wasAugust yet to come, as unfavourable as July, but high-lightenedby the anticipation of September. September used to herald thebeginning the beginning of what exactly I cant quitedetermine, well, definitely, not a starting to do something

productive out of life beginning (like getting a job, for instance,as my father once put it; only once, god bless). So, as it was,September hadnt been connected with any kind of activity. Ithad rather something to do with a change of my senses. I waslooking forward to that time without knowing what was exactlyto come, but having a strong feeling of the things yet to bediscovered.

August 18th

It was an exceptionally good day (weather-wise). Unfortunately, it


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makes people do spontaneous things and my personal attitudedoesnt welcome it. Imagine my utter despair when Samappeared at my house, spasmodically buzzing at the door

(presumably, trying to make me understand that there was noway out for me). The idea was, as he put it, to go camping for acouple of nights (what about days? I mentally checked, clingingto the last hope of a part-time-camping!). The picture lookeddaunting. I believe my unhappiness didnt show, since Sam neverstopped talking excitedly about an impending adventure. I waswatching him with inscrutable eyes, weighing up my options ofturning it down and being fully aware of having none

whatsoever. My thoughts kind of stopped circulating for at leasta minute, and then it struck me that all I had been doing was atotal opposite of what I had been convinced of,which was a notgiving a damn attitude. I knew I had to change the situationASAP. So I relaxed my muscles, pulled out the most carelessexpression of the face and said: Yeah, sure, lets hit it off!sounding pretty much like a person on the brink of hysteria.

August 19th

Sam and I set off camping a memorable day! I didnt knowwhat to expect, since such a thing had never happened to mebefore. I was an obscure creature through the whole high school,never taking part in any activity. Sometimes I couldnt wrigglemyself out of it, but, in those rare cases, I made my best to move

or say as least as possible. That, of course, asserted me as quitean unfavourable type for any teamwork; therefore, as a rule, Iwas left to my own devices with a smug content. So now, youunderstand how the idea of camping shattered my spiritual peace.But hey, you should have seen the look on Sams face when wefinally came to the moment of being all set and ready to go. Itmade me think, for a second, of it all being worth the pain butjust for a second, as I was quick to remember how mercilessly Ihad been forced into it and let my mood slip back into some sortof passive aggressiveness.


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August 19th (midday)

We had been driving for almost three hours, ostensibly not being

even close to our final destination. If I had a choice, Id drive aslong as it took. Id have, actually, rather got lost without reachingthe spot. Ever!

Being on the road has an extremely mitigating effect on me.Somehow, it makes you feel free, unburdened (you might ask,what exactly I had to set myself free of, since my whole beingwas a state of negation?!), which was exactly what made merealize how exhausted Id become carrying this load of

indifference in me. It took me by surprise to having felt such anabominable weariness of the condition I had put myself into. Iknew there had to be something that would change everythingfor me but I also knew it wasnt the time yet I was still a partof the world which I was rejecting; it wasnt my time, not yet.

5 P.M.

Weve been driving, what seemed like, forever and still not even apromise of nearing a stop. I fought with the urge to ask Samabout an approximate arrival to our place of camping, trying tokeep up with the appearances as of not giving a damn! Thoughthe fact was, I truly didnt mind our protracted drive; like I said being on the road, driving into the unknown (which was my case)had an extreme appeal to me. It almost made me swoon into a

Nirvana-like state, pretty close to happiness or delirium, which isthe same.

Sam drove all this time without even once letting me swapplaces with him. He had expressed his opposition to it quiteclearly right from the start, by simply saying: We have a longdrive, so youll have plenty of time to enjoy the view outside andhave a nap several! That was exactly what I had been doing

for the past well, half day. I stopped thinking, switched off mybrain and let myself melt into the oneness of nothingness.

I must have had fallen asleep for quite a while, for it waspitch dark when I woke up. Sam sat there in a quiet stupor,


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reading a book and munching on crackers, evidently waiting forme to wake up (yes, I knowno comments. As I had mentionedbefore, Sam was an inhumanly human creature!).

11P.M.

Driving continues I stopped looking at the blackness outside along while ago, and directed my full attention on staring at Saminstead, with the vilest look I could muster. Unfortunately, nomessage was delivered. The whole trip suddenly seemed unreal; I

lost track of the time; I was asleep again

August 20th

It had been raining since morning; we stopped the car in thewoods, still, being on our way towards the place of camping! Itrained too heavily to make out the road, so we sat there, eating

sodden sandwiches (made one day and a half ago) and listeningto The Bee Gees. Sam thought it to be a pretty distinguishedexperience, in a particular way of looking at it, of course, as heput it; I thought that I might well strangle him for having everthought that! Then the rain stopped, suddenly, as if having beenturned offthe sun showed up, piercingly bright, triumphant inits power of bringing the light to the world. But in spite of beingaware of the beauty around me, I felt sad. An invisible force held

me tight in that cage of mine, which I couldnt let myself out of; Ifelt trapped, closed inside, shut down from the world that Irefused and at the same moment was so painfully drawn to.

Some time later

Even though the rain had already stopped a while ago, we stilldid not move anywhere further. We hadnt even discussedwhether we should continue driving or not somehow, it hadntcrossed our minds. The freshness of the air after the rain,mingled with the ubiquitous scents of nature, inadvertently gluedus to the spot. That was the moment of pure serenity, which we


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didnt dare to disturb. Shortly, without any hesitation, we took onsetting up a tent, and clearing out a place for the fire. Simple asthat, this was tacitly decided to be a perfect place to settle.

The Evening

It took us two hours to build up a fire. I was wrong to think thatSam had been acquainted with all the things related to camping.As it turned out, he was as inadequate as I was, which caused mea substantial racking of my brain when figuring out how to make

things workhence two hours of struggle to set a fire (the litmatch would have probably made as much light!). However, inspite of the grueling hours to get things to work, we enjoyed theexperience and were quite content with the result (quite possiblybecause we couldnt give a damn anymore!). The attitude alsohelped while having burnt sausages washed down with warmbeer, and trying to melt the marshmallows on a stick with aSpartan patience over an extinct fire.

The night camequiet and mysterious, spreading the carpetof stars in the sky. If I had to choose the moment to die, thatwould be the one. Sam proved to be a perfect companionnot aword uttered from him, not a sound, which would havedisturbed the magic. I loved him for that. Our fire dwindled tothe merely visible shimmer of the coals, leaving us in starkdarkness. The weather was still warm, so we decided to sleep in

the open air, at least till it got colder. I lay there, ensconced in mysleeping-bag, listening to the silent wind, slowly giving myselfaway, being dissolved in the moment of completeness. I kept myeyes closed, so that nothing could break the spell. I blocked mymind, stopped process of any thought through my brain, relaxedthe whole body to a condition of total disability, and tried toignore the fact that I still had to breathe. I figured that was howyou felt when in a coma! The thought made my heart skip a beat,

and then accelerate with a marathon speed, leaving me helplesslybreathless. Unfortunately, no matter how much one wants, onestill cannot refute to be alive. I opened my eyes, and virtually gotblinded by the light of a thousand stars staring down at me.


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It was the sight worth living for! And so I stared at themback, as if defying their magnificence with the morbid voracity ofa worshipper. I watched them, I watched them closely, as close as

my eyesight could reach and it pained me to tears to realizehow impossible they were so far away, unreachable, isolatedfrom each other by the immeasurable amount of spacegloriousin their uniqueness and, yet, so unbearably lonely.

The stars are just like any human being or, rather, each of usis just like a star a different polarity with the space between,with a doom of loneliness and a futile hope. Everything in the

universe is meant to exist as a separate creature self-sufficientand wholesome in its own unique world. But human nature isintrinsically rebellious, therefore we defy the rules and doeverything that is possible to break the set order, and connectwith each other in perfect harmony. How in vain this all is! Thewall that we build around ourselves, as a natural self-defence, isnever to be broken this is the law of the universe, it doesntallow it, no matter how much we try, beseech or despair. One is

still where one should bein a place of ones own, in the worldof one heartbeat. However, one is never in peace, for, unlike thestars, each human being has five senses, which are the cause ofthe constant craving for unity, an unstoppable urge to reach thatmoment of union and never let go. In the end, it doesnt matterhow in vain this all is, because in the world of a human beingsheart the rules of the universe are broken.

ingenuous by olga martinova

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