into the deep: bonus material - author samantha young

INTO THE DEEP: BONUSMATERIAL

JAKE’S POV SCENES

SAMANTHA YOUNG

Into the Deep: Bonus MaterialJake’s POV Scenes

By Samantha YoungCopyright © 2021 Samantha Young

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coincidental.This work is registered with and protected by Copyright House.

T

INDIANA, SEPTEMBER 2008

he light from the fire his new friends had createdflickered and flared brightly, casting shadows over thejuniors and seniors who’d descended upon Alex

Roster’s party. Alex had invited Jake two days ago when theywere hanging out at the diner together.

Moving from Chicago to a tiny place like Lanton in Indianahadn’t been easy, but Jake liked a challenge. He’d decided touse the summer before junior year started to his advantage andget to know as many people as possible.

That’s why three days ago he was hanging out with Sturgis,this funny stoner kid who could rock out on the electric guitar,and only yesterday he was eating a burger with Alex, an AllAmerican jock type. At least no one was giving him crap forclique-jumping. He was the new guy, somewhat exotic, and hadalready obtained a bit of a rep, so most people wanted to hangout with him. Which was fine by Jake, since having people tohang out with was the only thing stopping him from runningscreaming from the absolute boredom of living in Lanton.

One of Alex’s senior friends, Dean, handed Jake a beer. “Youmade it, man.”

Jake lifted his chin in thanks. “Yeah.” His eyes scanned thewoods, watching people joking and laughing, some couplesbranching off to make out. “Looks like the party is in full swing.So… where’s the guest of honor?”

Dean grinned. “You made your way through so many chicksyou’re bored and looking for fresh meat already?”

That was definitely the worst thing so far about living in asmall town. Everybody knew everybody’s business. It becameclear to Jake, but unfortunately much too late, that he couldn’tget away with hooking up with girls here and walking awayunscathed. One, there really was nowhere to run from them,and two, within seconds of hooking up with them the wholedamn town knew.

Still, Alex’s friend Lacey had gone on and on about thisCharley girl, and any time her name was mentioned someonehad a funny story to tell about her. After hearing the stories,Jake was kind of intrigued to meet the girl who’d been given thenickname “Supergirl” by an entire town because she’d knockedher sister out of the way of a moving vehicle and took the hitinstead.

That was pretty hardcore for a small town girl.“Nah, it’s not like that,” Jake semi-lied. “I’ve just heard a lot

about her.”“It wouldn’t be like that anyway,” Dean informed him.

“Charley’s not the kind of girl who gives it up to just anybody.She used to date Roster, man. She dumped him just beforesummer started.”

Surprised, Jake took a sip of his beer and muttered, “Alexdidn’t mention they dated.”

“Yeah, well, he’s going to make his play for her again so Iwouldn’t get in the way of that. Alex probably wouldn’t say shitbut Brett would get pissy just because it gives him an excuse toget pissy,” Dean curled his lip in distaste and Jake understoodwhy.

2 SAMANTHA YOUNG

Brett Thomas was the other drawback to living in Lanton.He was Alex’s best friend and a complete douche. Brett was

narrow-minded bully, and Jake couldn’t stand him.“Hey,” Dean nudged his elbow, lifting his chin in the direc-

tion of the fire, “That’s Charley over there with Lacey.”Turning, Jake squinted past the flames to just beyond where

three girls were standing laughing. Lacey caught him staringand turned back to chatter excitedly at a blonde girl he hadn’tseen before.

The blonde looked up at him.Jake tensed as their eyes met, his hand tightening around

his beer bottle.Holy shit.Her eyes.Without even really meaning to, Jake found himself

walking through the throngs of party-goers toward the girl withthose eyes. Eyes that drew him in–eyes filled with questions,very few answers, and something a lot like possibility.

Jake blinked. Are you listening to yourself? He guffawed,trying to shake off whatever the hell that had been. This girlwas just a girl. A particularly cute girl with phenomenalbedroom-eyes, but just a girl nonetheless. Despite his momcoming down on him for messing around, Jake had to protest.He was only sixteen. He had plenty of time to find a girl whowould break his heart, just like his mom had broken his dad’s afew years back. It hadn’t been easy to watch his mom pack uptheir things and walk out on their dad because he’d beenneglecting his family for work. It was even harder to watch howdevastated and panicked his father was by it. Logan Caplinadored his wife and he’d been a wreck when she’d left him. Itwas the first time Jake really understood what loving someonelike that could mean. And at sixteen he just wasn’t ready to gothrough that.

Even if a girl did have eyes like Charley Redford.

Into the Deep: Bonus Material 3

Jake stopped in front of her, Lacey, and Lacey’s quiet friend,Rose. Charley held his gaze, and he felt lost for a second, so losthe almost didn’t pull off his casual, “So, you’re the mysteriousgirl who’s been gone all summer.”

She shrugged. “And you’re the mysterious newbie.”Hmm. There was something kind of intimidating

about her.It occurred to Jake that maybe he’d gotten a little too used

to girls giggling all over him, and just maybe Charley’s casualreaction to him was a reality check. Laughing at himself, Jakedecided now would be a good time to remember thosemanners his mother had raised him with. He smiled and heldout his hand to her. “Jake.”

Thankfully she held out her hand to him. “Charley.”As soon as their skin brushed, Jake felt pressure on his

chest. The pressure he’d felt when they first locked eyes. Thepressure he felt that he couldn’t explain.

Pressure he was adamantly ignoring.He grinned at Charley. “I know. You’re famous. Supergirl.”“I hate living in a small town,” she grumbled, taking

another pull of her beer. And just like that, with the mock dirtylooks she shot her friends, and the little purse of her lips, theair of intimidation around her disappeared. Someone modest,obviously brave if all the stories were true, and definitelyadorable, shone through.

Their eyes met again.His breath hitched.Shit.

“We’re going to get more beer,” Lacey suddenly announcedbrightly, grabbing Rose’s hand and dragging her not so subtlyaway from him and Charley.

Charley scrunched her nose up, clearly embarrassed bytheir obviousness. It was cute as hell. “Sorry.”

Jake wasn’t. Now he had her alone he could kick the

4 SAMANTHA YOUNG

encounter up a notch. “Don’t be.” He stepped closer, inhalingher perfume. “I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “Oh, I’ve heard you’ve metlots of people already.”

The fact that she’d been paying attention pleased him. Awhole lot. “You shouldn’t listen to gossip,” he teased.

“Especially when it’s true?” she answered dryly.Smart ass. Hot, smart ass. Jake laughed. “I was just being

friendly. Getting to know the new town. It’s not easy moving tosuch a small place after living in Chicago. Everything seems tomove faster there and faster here causes shock.”

“Yeah, I can imagine it’s a huge change,” she said, soundingsympathetic. She leaned back against the post of the old gazebothe party was congregated around. Every small move she made,Jake followed it, as if he couldn’t quite look away. She tucked alock of her gorgeous, long hair behind her ear, her silverbangles tinkling with the movement. She wasn’t overly tall, shewasn’t short either, and everything about her was graceful andsexy at the same time.

So hot.

When their eyes met again she was frowning. “Why did youmove here?”

Jake had the why, he even understood the why. Didn’t meanhe liked the why. It was a question he’d been asked a lot sincearriving, one he’d deflected, shrugged off, because he stillwasn’t ready to deal with the fact that they’d moved perma-nently to Bumble-fuck, Indiana. And yet… he wanted to tell her.And he couldn’t explain why that was.

Shit.They’d just met.Exhaling, trying to ease that pressure on his chest, he

answered softly, ““My mom and dad are from small towns, theymissed it. My dad was pretty successful in Chicago and mymom liked her life there. However, my kid brother, Lukas, got


mugged coming home from school one night when he missedthe bus. They pulled a knife but didn’t hurt him. Still, it freakedmy mom and dad out so much, they upped stakes.”

“You know bad things happen everywhere,” she repliedquietly.

Yeah, Jake was sure Lanton saw its fair share of murder andmayhem. “You get a lot of muggings in Lanton, do you?”

“Only when things are slow. I like to shake things up alittle.”

Pleasantly surprised by her sense of humor, Jake laughedagain. “Ski mask and all?” he joked with her, feeling lighterthan he had since before arriving in Lanton.

She shook her head, deadpan. “Bandit eye strip, a banana,and a black trash bag.”

I want to kiss her.

Pushing those inner thoughts aside, Jake chuckled at herquip. “Let me guess—the banana works three-fold: a ‘gun,’ asnack to keep your mugger energy up, and then the slipperypeel is a great tool in your escape.”

Those gorgeous eyes of her were laughing up at him in away that made him feel ten feet tall. “Dude, you got this down.”Her smile turned flirtatious, knocking any breath he had left inhis body out. “Want to be a bandit with me?”

Fuck yes.

He had to kiss her. More than that Jake had decided… hehad to know her.

Shit. He was in trouble.A moment of panic caught in his chest but as she stared up

at him with eyes he could drown in, Jake squashed the panicand leaned in close.

“Definitely,” he murmured.

6 SAMANTHA YOUNG

T

INDIANA, MARCH 2009

he crack on his ceiling appeared longer than it did …well, than it did for however long Jake had been lyingon his bed staring at it. That could have been an hour,

two, maybe even two days.Staring at the crack did nothing to change it. As he lay

there, it was going to splinter into more cracks.Fuck it.Like he gave a shit about changing anything.He blinked.Nope. Still there.As was the pressure. It was like he was weighed down at

every angle by a piece of stone. He felt bruised. Tender.But at least not dead.How did it happen?

The question wouldn’t leave him alone. Nor the pleading inBrett Thomas’s eyes as he stared up into Charley’s face, dying.

Why did it happen?

Brett’s dad? Jake’s dad? One a bully, the other a reluctantpacifist. Because of whom? Jake’s mom. Was it her? Brett’s

friends? Egging him on. Alex Roster? It was his house, his party,his alcohol. His kitchen knife.

Me.

New guy. Accelerant. Victim? Reluctant pacifist too. Stupid deci-

sion to go to the party.

I was the matador waving the red cape. He was the bull.

It was me.

I killed him.

Brett’s voice, ugly with childish bitterness, slithered intoJake’s ears. Yeah, you did. My blood. Your hands, Caplin.

Jake squeezed his eyes closed.Go away. Go away. Go away.

JAKE BLINKED. See? The crack grew.Was it really me?

He tucked his hands under his head, the first movement hefelt like he’d made in forever. Jake’s eyes narrowed on thepurple uplighter. Jesus, I hate that thing.

You hate yourself.

Lifting his head, he pulled his right hand out and held it upto examine it. It was clean. He hadn’t even touched him. Notonce.

He was taunting you for months. You should’ve stopped it then.

He’d be alive.

Shoving his hand back under his head, Jake let the weightsettle down all over him again. Hadn’t Logan Caplin raised himto be a man? A sensible man would have just walked away.

Jake’s chest shuddered on a sigh. He felt the nausea rise.He wasn’t worth this. I should’ve walked away.

He glared at the uplighter again. He couldn’t make up hismind what he was guiltier of … not facing up to his bully, orgiving his bully too much power. Or was that the same thing?

8 SAMANTHA YOUNG

What power? Brett’s voice sneered at him. I’m the one who

bled to death, bitch. What power did I ever have over you?

Movement caught his eye and he lowered his gaze from theceiling. The sight of Charley standing in his doorway was apunch to the gut.

How?

Music. He answered his own question. He was listening tocrap shouty music in an attempt to shut out all the questionsand he hadn’t heard her. Ha, the only questions the music wasshutting out was everyone else’s.

Ignoring the spike in his pulse at the sight of her, Jake toldher flatly, “I don’t want to talk to anyone.” The words felt weird,his tongue like sandpaper.

Disquiet moved through him as she shrugged out of herjacket, kicked off her shoes, and walked toward him like shecould save him from the guilt slowly eating away at his insides.

She lay down beside him, not touching him, but closeenough he could smell her perfume and feel the heat of herbody trying to warm his.

“You don’t have to talk,” she shouted over the music.Without a word, she invaded him.Was it her? The insidious whisper pushed inside him before

he could stop it.How many times had Charley told him to ignore Brett?

How many times had she stopped him from putting a halt to itonce and for all?

A reluctant pacifist … because of her.She was the reason Brett wouldn’t let up. She was the

reason they were at Alex Roster’s party. She was the reason hehadn’t walked away when he should have.

She was the reason.She’s the reason.If I was the matador and Brett was the bull, was Charley the red

cape?


My guilt. Her guilt.Jake blinked.He saw Charley bending over Brett, her hands covered in

his blood as she pressed her jacket to his wound. He saw hercalm surety as she told him to call 911. Her kindness as shesought to soothe Brett.

Her wet eyes as she turned to tell Alex that Brett was gone.Her cool hand in his as they walked toward the patrol car.

Her loving voice promising him she was there with him.Jake felt his breath hitch but Charley didn’t move. She

hadn’t heard it over the music.How long had they been lying there? And she hadn’t

pushed him to talk.He couldn’t talk. How could he ever now?He’d let himself blame her.Charley.What kind of man was he turning into?I told you. You never deserved her. Never.

Not. For. You.

Jake stiffened as he felt Charley’s warmth draw near. “I haveto go,” she whispered, before pressing a soft kiss to the cornerof his mouth. As his mouth tingled, he didn’t dare look at her.“When you’re ready, I’m here. I love you, Jake.”

The words choked him.For the first time … he couldn’t say them back.No, correction. He wouldn’t say them back.Someone died because of them.Charley would die if she ever knew you were thinking this shit.

Jake waited for her to put on her shoes and jacket. Hewaited for her to walk out the door. He waited for her perfumeto fade from his pillow.

It wouldn’t.In the dim light, he turned his head to stare at his empty

doorway.

10 SAMANTHA YOUNG

He was glad she was gone. He didn’t want her near whilehis fucked-up head played the blame game.

I never deserved you.

WEDNESDAY

As the car pulled into the hospital parking lot, Jake’s foggy,jumbled thoughts were clear long enough to focus on onething. A building rage … with himself. Brett’s friends, Damienand Jackson, had put their hands on Lukas to get to Jake. AndJake hadn’t been there to save Luke. No, once again Charleyhad done what he should be doing.

Impotent anger, the frustration of injustice, of being madeto feel a victim, consumed Jake as he followed his concernedmom through the hospital.

He felt Charley before he saw her.She chipped at his focus, her eyes burning his skin as he

walked into the hospital room where she was standing by hisbrother’s bedside.

Jake took in the sight of his brother sitting on the end of thebed, his eye swollen shut, and he felt his fingers curl into fists.

That’s it. He was done.“Don’t even think about doing anything stupid,” his dad

warned in a voice that was not to be disobeyed. “Charley saw toit that those boys will pay for attacking your brother. Don’tmake your situation worse by demanding your ownretribution.”

“They can’t get away with this, Dad. They should leave usalone.” Why won’t they? What did we ever fucking do to these

people?

“They won’t get away with this,” Logan reiterated firmly. “Itold you Charley saw to it.”

Jake almost winced at the reminder.


Luke somehow managed to grin, even with half his facemashed. “She was awesome. She jumped in front of me andtold them that if they wanted me, they had to go through her. Ifit hadn’t been so emasculating, it would’ve been hot.”

Charley smirked at Luke as Jake’s brain grew fuzzy withrenewed anger. She said something to Luke and he replied, butJake didn’t hear it.

She’d put herself in danger to save his brother? “You weregoing to take a beating?” he choked out, unable to shake loosethe vision of her beautiful face bloodied and bruised. Was sheinsane?

“I knew they wouldn’t hit me,” she replied stubbornly. Jakehad the sudden urge to grab her arms and shake her hard untilsome sense slammed into her.

“Uh, I don’t know. I think Damien definitely would’veswung for you if Alex hadn’t stopped him,” Luke disagreed.

Jake couldn’t look at her.As the doctor bustled around with discharge instructions,

Jake stewed in thick silence. Was he mad at Charley becauseshe put herself in harm’s way or mad at her for doing what hehadn’t? Again. Something like resentment built within.

She was the kind of girl you became a better man for, not aworse one.

He couldn’t live up to it.He couldn’t live with it. Any of it. He had to get out of there

before he lost his mind.She followed him and his family into the parking lot. Jake

could feel her. He didn’t want to. Not then. Just for a little while,he didn’t want the burden of being the kind of guy shedeserved. For now, he had to focus on being the kind of guy hecould live with.

And who he was right now was scaring him.He looked at his parents. “Can you guys wait in the car? I

need to talk to Charley.”

12 SAMANTHA YOUNG

Jake was barely aware of them moving away as he turned toface her.

Memories tried to press at him. Precious, joyous, exciting,fucking beautiful memories. A lifetime of wonder crammedinto just a few short months.

He blocked them out with guilt and blood and anger andfear.

Jake didn’t see how much he loved her. He didn’t see theanxiety in her eyes. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Just. Not. Now.

“I know you’re mad at me,” she began in her clear, strongvoice. “But—”

Jake couldn’t hear it. “Just be quiet, Charley.”“Jake, I know you’re going through a lot but I would appre-

ciate it if you’d not speak to me like that. And stop shutting meout.”

Always so strong.Yeah, she’s strong. She can handle this. She can handle anything.

His family couldn’t. They’d been through enough. And thetruth was that they probably would have left town already if itwasn’t for …

If it wasn’t for how he felt about her.Numbness settled over Jake.It really was all his fault.“Our front window got smashed in yesterday,” he answered

flatly. “Our phone keeps ringing and then callers hang up.Trenton and his goons are getting restless.”

No more.“Jake, I’m sorry. But it’s just Trenton. Everyone else knows

you didn’t attack Brett. They know it was an accident.”An accident. An unfortunate incident that happens unin-

tentionally or unexpectedly, typically resulting in damage orinjury.

No. It wasn’t an accident. It was months of pent-up resent-ment of a boy likely under the influence of mental, emotional,


and possibly physical abuse on the part of his dickwad father,all of that fury aimed at the wrong guy. Everyone had seen itcoming. It wasn’t unintentional and it wasn’t unexpected.

And the result was pretty fucking fatal.“I should’ve walked away, called his bluff. He died because I

wasn’t smart enough to walk away from a drunk. I didn’t put theknife in him but I’ve still got blood on my hands.”

Charley tried to tell him otherwise. He had to give it to her—he thought she might really mean it too. He watched herwarm, small hand curl around his and for the life of him hecouldn’t feel it. “We’ll get through this,” she promised.

Jake stared at her. As long as he felt this numb, he could dothis. He could look at her and he could do this.

“I have to get through this on my own.” Her mouth movedbut Jake kept talking. “I can’t do it with you around me.”

“… breaking up with me?”Jake wondered for a moment why he could barely hear her

and then it shocked him to realize his heart was racing andpounding so hard, the blood whooshing in his ears deafenedhim.

The panic in Charley’s eyes threatened to destroy all thenumb. He looked away. “Yeah. I’m breaking up with you.”

The unevenness of her breathing punched right throughthe numbness. “And everything between us … everything youpromised.” She sounded so small, so damn small. “That’s justgone?”

He felt sick. He was going to throw up. Right there. Cast upthe guilt all over her. “I’m not sticking around to listen to this.”

“Don’t walk away from me!” she yelled. “You owe me!”Didn’t she think he knew that? Didn’t she think he knew he

was scum, worthless, not for her? He was responsible for a guy’sdeath and he couldn’t deal. Charley was calm, in control, tryingto save people. To save his brother being beat up. Trying savehim! Didn’t she know? Didn’t she see?

14 SAMANTHA YOUNG

Jake turned back, spewing his fury all over her, and itcame out all wrong. He said all the wrong things. He accused

her.But at least he spewed out one right thing. He was fucked

up. So fucked up.“All I want is to help you,” he heard her say. “I don’t under-

stand why this is my fault?”“I told you we shouldn’t have gone to that party.”No!Now she’d know that he let himself blame her. It was just a

second of thought. But a second was long enough.The color bled from her features. “So you blame me?”Feeling as if he was going to come out of his skin, Jake

needed this to end now. “No,” he managed quietly. “I’m justdone.”

But she wouldn’t let him go.She held onto him, her hand burning through his shirt, her

warm eyes hot with fury and pain and every ugly, dark thingJake had only ever wanted to protect her from. But he couldn’tdo it now. He didn’t have it in him to save them both. And hecouldn’t let her save him. He would lose what little shred ofself-respect he might have left.

Charley Redford had power over him. The whole town did.For now … Jake knew that if he was going to get through

this, he needed that power, that control, back.He stared through her as she began to make her way

through the five stages of grief. First there’d been denial. Thenanger. Now she was bargaining with him.

“I’m standing here, ready to help you work it all out. Doesn’tthat count for something?”

“No,” Jake bit out. “I can’t be here, in this town with thesefucking people. And you’re one of them. When I look at you,that’s all I see.”

At his words, Charley looked broken. Jake felt like someone


had rammed a spike down his throat. He struggled to breathethrough the agony as he turned away from her.

She’s strong. She can handle this.

Brett’s voice was suddenly in his head again. Yeah, hesnorted, she really looks like she’s handling it.

“You’re just as big an asshole as they are,” she said, the bitedissipating as she continued, sounding desolate. “I can’t believeI gave you everything.”

Jake knew nothing could change his mind in that moment.He was desperate to leave behind Lanton and everything it hadtaken from him.

Desperation could make people do things they’d neverimagine.

Like cutting someone open just so he could end the conver-sation and get away as quickly as possible.

Like turning to the best person he’d ever met and rippingapart all their seriously fucking beautiful moments togetherwith, “Yeah, well, we all do stupid shit sometimes.”

Jake walked away from her.Left her there with those ugly parting words.Brett sneered in his head, Still holding onto that little shred of

self-respect, are you?

Go away. Jake fought for numbness. Go away.

Please.

16 SAMANTHA YOUNG

“I

CHICAGO, MARCH 2010

woke up this morning and I felt like I could breathe forthe first time in a long time,” Jake said, gazing out of thefloor-to-ceiling window onto the Streeterville area of

Chicago.Dr. Leery scratched his nose, something Jake had come to

determine he did when he had a particularly important ques-tion on his mind. “And why do you think that is, Jake?”

“It wasn’t my fault,” he replied quietly, nervously picking atthe skin around his thumb.

Since last July, since waking up out of a fog of self-flagella-tion and anger to discover he’d lost Charley, since decimatinghis room in a grief-stricken rage upon that realization, hisparents had paid for him to go to therapy. They’d moved backto Chicago after everything that had gone down in Lanton,returning to Oak Park. Once every two weeks Jake took theGreen Line into the city to sit and talk to a guy who barelylooked older than him. At first he didn’t really want to talkabout it, but slowly, over the weeks, he began to tell Dr. Leeryeverything—his guilt spewing out, real and violent for the firsttime since he’d broken up with Charley.

It was amazing how much it helped to have someone whodidn’t know him, who didn’t have any emotional obligation tohim, tell him that he wasn’t to blame for what happened.Together they walked through every moment that Jake feltcould be attributed to the build up of resentment from Brettand his consequent death. It helped Jake focus, and it helpedcalm him enough to begin to rationalize it.

Finally, he was starting to feel less burdened.Dr. Leery nodded, seeming pleased. “Jake, that’s wonderful

to hear you say that.”Jake gave him an unhappy smile. “When I think back to

what was going through my head, I can’t believe that was me,you know. I know Brett’s death wasn’t my fault but I’ve got toface the fact that my actions aren’t the actions of the man I wantto be.”

“You’re eighteen. You can be any kind of man you want to befrom now on.”

“I’m not going to be that guy,” Jake told him, his voice lowwith vehemence. “I won’t let myself become a victim or amartyr again. If something bad happens, I’m going to face it.I’m going to handle it.”

Leaning forward, Dr. Leery scrutinized him with an intensebrightness in his eyes. “You be who you want to be, Jake, butdon’t look back at seventeen year old you and sneer at him indisdain. He’s a kid who found himself in a situation muchbigger than he ever anticipated. You did what you needed to doin order to cope.”

Jake clenched his jaw, looking back out the window. “You’retalking about, Charley.”

“Aren’t you?”He was quiet a moment, feeling the familiar ache in his

chest at the thought of her. “At the time I kept thinking I had toget away from her because how strong she was made me feelweak. She was saving people while I couldn’t even save myself.”

18 SAMANTHA YOUNG

“You don’t think that now?”His gaze shifted back to Dr. Leery, his eyes alight with

perspective. “If I had let her in, she would have made mestrong, not weak. Every moment up until the accident shemade me feel better, stronger. Like maybe I deserved her. Idon’t know how I forgot that. I don’t know how to forgive myselffor forgetting that.” The corner of his mouth took on a wryquirk. “You must think I sound like a lovesick high schooler.”

It was not the first time he’d said that. And for as manytimes as he’d said it, Dr. Leery replied, “I think what you hadwith Charley was special. I think now that you’ve finallyaccepted your lack of culpability in Brett’s death that it’s time toforgive yourself for what happened with Charley. It’s time to tryto move on.”

The thought made him feel sick. “And if I don’t want to?”“She’s only a two hour drive away, Jake. You could

apologize.”The thought sent a cold sweat over him. The thought of

seeing her, having her look at him in disgust and hate... “I don’tknow if I’m ready for that.”

Dr. Leery smiled kindly. “We’ll get you there.”


CHICAGO, APRIL 2012

“Party tonight!” Beck’s voice hit Jake’s ears at the same time hisdorm room door crashed against the wall.

Jake looked up from his laptop. “Have you heard of knock-ing? I could’ve been doing anything.”

“And yet instead of doing something base and immoralsuch as fucking Heather Denton, who so desperately wants inyour pants, or hell, giving Little Jake a stress reliever, you’realone in your room … studying.”

“Funny.” Jake pushed away from his desk. “I thought that’swhat college was all about. And don’t call my dick ‘Little Jake.’It’s a disservice.”

Beck snorted but shut the door so there was no possibilityof one of their suite mates overhearing. “Seriously, man, itwasn’t that long ago you were all about the parties and thewomen. I don’t care about the change, I just … I mean, you’reokay, right?” He frowned. “Is this about Melissa? Somethinggoing on there?”

“Nah.” Jake rubbed a hand over his recently cut hair. “Youknow I can’t go there with her.”

His friend was quiet a moment. “Because of Charley?”

Jake’s heart no longer banged against his chest at the meremention of his ex-girlfriend. It had stopped doing that a whileago. Still, an ache remained, a specter of what was possible, andof what he was sure he’d never have again. “You know I’m overit,” he said. They both knew he lied, but Beck never called himon it. “I just can’t go there again. Melissa is one of my bestfriends. I won’t mess that up by sleeping with her. She’ll wantmore and I can’t give her more.”

“Wasn’t she dating that frat guy for a while?”“A few dates,” Jake said.“I know you want her. Doesn’t that piss you off?”Honestly, he was jealous but he just wanted her to be happy.

“As long as she’s happy … whatever.”“Well, I hate to break it to you, but Mel isn’t going to be

happy until you two are neck deep in a relationship.”Jake was afraid that might be true. Whenever Melissa

hinted about it, Jake carefully avoided the subject. She had toknow after everything he’d been through that he wasn’tcapable of giving her what she wanted. As much as he wishedhe could.

“I fear an uncomfortable conversation in the future,” Becksaid. “Speaking of which, you’ve got to come to this party, saveme from Cheryl. I don’t know how to communicate any clearerthat what we had was a beautiful thing, but it was one night ofa beautiful thing.”

“You’re an asshole,” Jake groaned, standing up and reachingfor his hoodie. “I told you not to go there with her.”

“She’s hot.”“She’s psychotic.”“I take it this sudden mobility is your acquiescence?”Jake shrugged. “I’m bored.”“You’re bored a lot lately.”This was true. Jake felt restless. “I don’t know what to tell

22 Chicago, April 2012

you. I’m sick of having a different girl in my bed every week, I’msick of the parties, of the drinking, of the weed …”

Beck squinted at him. “I’m confused. You’re sick of it butyou’re not sick enough of it not to want to settle into somethingwith Melissa?”

It was a catch-22. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”“Right now, you’re coming with me to Bobb. Denver, Matt,

and Lowe are already there.”Deciding it was better to be restless in company than alone,

Jake followed Beck out of Kemper and turned left toward Bobb-McCulloch Hall. They lived on the north campus of Northwest-ern, so it wasn’t exactly difficult to find a party. Not that it wasever difficult to find a party when you were best friends with arock band.

When Jake’s parents had returned to Oak Park, he metBeck. Beck was originally from Chicago but when his mommarried his stepdad, they’d moved to Seattle for his job. He wassome fancy-ass CFO in some fancy-ass division of some fancy-ass conglomerate that dealt in cars, media, and whatever else.He was a pompous, selfish asshole who didn’t understand Beckand really didn’t want to. Beck’s mom was so scared of losingthe money and the lifestyle, she pretty much sided with thestepdad no matter what the issue. Beck had alluded to the facthis stepdad didn’t mind raising his hand against him. It didn’thappen now because Beck wouldn’t take it, but as much as hetried to hide it, such treatment had left scars.

Just when Jake had left Chicago for Lanton, Beck’s stepdadmoved them back to Chicago, into a big house in Glencoe.

Upon returning to Chicago, Jake met Beck at a party of amutual friend where they’d bonded over their religious love forPearl Jam. Since Beck’s real dad lived in Oak Park, he and Jakehung out whenever Beck came around, which was a lot. Notonly did he feel the need to escape his life with parents he

Chicago, April 2012 23

couldn’t stand to be around, but his dad was an alcoholic and heworried about him. Beck’s dad used to write jingles for adver-tisements and he’d written a pretty famous Christmas jingle thatwas replayed more times than anyone liked to count. He lived offthe royalties in a house he already owned. Jake had only visitedonce and he hadn’t known what to say. Beck’s dad was a mess.

It was a relief to Beck to move out of his mom and stepdad’sand into freshman dorms at Northwestern. He and Jake appliedto be roommates and their neighbors turned out to be Loweand Matt. Upon discovering fellow musicians among them,Beck started the band. They met Denver at a party andwelcomed him on board as their bassist. The Stolen wasformed. People always asked Jake why he wasn’t a part of theband, but the truth was, despite his love of music, he couldn’tplay. He’d tried to learn guitar years ago and it just wasn’t forhim. He couldn’t sing for shit, and the thought of playing thepiano or the drums bored him to death. Jake would always lovemusic but he was practical by nature.

He was a mathematician, a problem solver, and industrialengineering was a better fit. It was all about optimizing howsomething worked, whether a process or an actual organiza-tion. Jake loved the challenge. At the end of the day he felt likehe’d accomplished something, and as he got older, he realizedthat was a feeling he needed to be happy in life. When he’dchosen industrial engineering, his dad had been proud. It was adegree that could take him places in the real world.

That’s why it was so surprising that Beck and Lowe hadchosen the same degree. They didn’t live in the real world.They wanted to be musicians. Engineering was just a back-upplan.

“Are you going to be this quiet all night?” Beck asked,eyebrows raised in question.

Jake eyed him. “Does it bother you?”“Nope.” Beck shrugged. “I just feel like you’re stealing my


thunder with the whole brooding thing. Women love thestrong, silent type but we can’t both be the strong, silent type.”

Jake stared at him.Beck sighed. “Fine. You’re better at it tonight anyway. I’ll be

the charmer.”Eyeing the front of Bobb, Jake shook his head. “I’m not

going in there to get laid, so you can be whatever the fuck youwant to be.”

Beck smacked Jake hard on the back. “Dude, at least let’s getyou drunk or high. We have to pull you out of this funk.”

“I’m not in—”“Jake!”They turned to see Melissa hurrying toward over. Her girl-

friends strolled at a distance behind her, smirking. Beck hadslept with at least two of them. Jake had been smart enough notto mess around with Mel’s friends.

Jake smiled as Melissa bounced to a stop in front of him.Just like always, he felt attraction zing through him. Melissawas at once beautiful and adorable. Dark hair, tall, olive skin,and dark blue eyes. Not to mention she was sweet and compas-sionate and a great friend.

She threw her arms around him and Jake automaticallyhugged her close.

She smelled amazing. She felt good against him.Fuck.

“Beck,” she said, smirking at his friend as she pulled backfrom the embrace. “Trolling tonight?”

“I think you’re thinking of Matt,” Beck said. “I don’t troll.”“In other words, they just flock to you?”He shrugged in a way that clearly said yes. “Jake, man, I’ll

see you in there.”Jake nodded, knowing Beck was making his escape from

the past conquests who had suddenly reached them.Melissa looked at her friends. “You guys go in.”


Her friend Belinda frowned at Jake. “You sure you wantthat?”

And what exactly does that mean?

“Just go in.” Mel shooed her away. As soon as the girls werethrough the door, she looked into Jake’s eyes. “Can we maybego back to your dorm? I really need to talk to you.”

Jake felt a prickle of sweat. Nerves. “Um … what about?”“Not here.” She pleaded with her gorgeous eyes.After all the hours he’d spent talking her ear off, he couldn’t

exactly say no. Jake nodded and turned toward his dorm, notsaying anything as Melissa looped her arm through his andwalked beside him, pressing her body into his.

He had a feeling he knew what she wanted to talk about.Not only would he have to call on his willpower if she cameonto him, but he was worried that what he had to say wouldsend her running. The thought didn’t sit well with him at all.He really cared about her. She was a friend he didn’t want tolose.

They’d met five months ago at the Study Abroad Fair. Thatmeant Melissa had known about Charley almost from the verybeginning of their friendship—Charley was the reason he wasat the fair.

The summer after his senior year, Jake borrowed his dad’scar and he and Beck drove to Lanton. It became clear thatdespite wanting to see Charley, wanting to apologize, wantingclosure, Jake did not want to see Lanton. He’d broken out incold chills as they pulled into town. Beck had made him pullover and trade seats so Jake could sit in the passenger side,hiding behind sunglasses. He directed Beck to Charley’s house,feeling sick the whole time.

They sat down the street from her house for fifteen minuteswhile Jake tried to gather the courage to knock on the door.

And then a car pulled up to the drive and Lois, the girlthey’d hung out with at the party that fateful night, got out. The


front door opened before she could even knock and suddenly,Charley was right there.

It was like staring at a dream.She didn’t seem real.And she was smiling, looking beautiful and happy and

relaxed, and Jake knew that if he got out of that car, Charleywouldn’t be happy anymore.

So he let her drive away with Lois and he let Beck drive himback to Chicago.

That was the day Jake decided to move on.Freshman year was a blur of school, partying, and girls. It

was easy to get lost. Jake was convinced that though it feltempty to move from one girl to the next, it had helped him dealwith the fact that his life would never have Charley in it again.

That didn’t mean, however, that he was over her.It was something Melissa knew. She knew because after

they discovered they were going to the University of Edinburghat the same time, Jake found himself telling her the truthbehind why he was going.

Because Charley might be there, and this time he might notbe such a pussy. This time he might have the courage to get outof the fucking car and tell her he was sorry.

He’d told Melissa everything—from meeting Charley,falling in love, all the crap that went down with TrentonThomas and Logan Caplin, Brett Thomas’s animosity, the party,the knife, the death, Jake’s issues … and how he broke Charley’sheart and his own in the bargain.

Besides Beck, Melissa was the one friend he had who knewhe wouldn’t get serious with another girl when he still hadCharley’s ghost hanging over him.

Once inside his dorm, Jake watched Melissa as she movedthrough his space. She smiled at him as she flopped down onthe bed.

“I want to be with you,” she said abruptly.


Jake was surprised and also impressed. Melissa had nevercrossed him as the most confident girl when it came to men, sothe fact that she was putting it out there blew him away. It wasbrave.

He’d always admired brave.Even if it did put him in an uncomfortable position.

“Melissa …” He slumped down in his chair, his eyes lockingwith her hopeful ones. “You know I care about you, a lot, and ifit could be anyone, it would be you. But you know I can’t.”

She sighed. “Because of Charley.”“I’ve never felt about any girl the way I felt about her. I can’t

promise you I ever will and that’s selfish. I can’t get intoanything with you. Not to sound like an arrogant ass, but whatif you fall for me and I can’t fall back? Not to mention that we’regoing to Edinburgh in six months and she might be there. Thatcould get awkward.”

“Jake,” she breathed his name, the sound somehowcompassionate, “I know she meant the world to you.” Sheleaned closer, her silky hair falling across her shoulder. “Buteven if she’s in Edinburgh, there’s a huge possibility that shewon’t want to even talk to you. Believe me. I wouldn’t want totalk to Damon.”

Melissa’s ex. They’d dated for four years in high school andthen one day in their senior year, Mel had caught him havingsex with another girl. It had devastated her. Like Jake, she’dassumed her high school sweetheart was the one.

“And I will be there for you through that,” she continued. “IfCharley’s there, and it’s difficult, I’ll be there. Just give me achance.”

Jake eyed her carefully. “Mel, why would you want to bewith a guy who’s messed up? I’m messed up when it comes tothis stuff and I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“Jake, I already love you.”He jerked back.


His body was suddenly at war. He wanted to run from thewords and yet at the same time, they created a warmth insidehim that he hadn’t felt in a long time.

Melissa nudged his knees apart, insinuating herselfbetween his legs as she curled her fingers into his hair. Jakestared up at her, feeling a surprising amount of longing.

“I’ll love you enough for the both of us. I’m not asking formore. I’m just asking for a chance to make us happy.”

He said quietly, “It’s a risk.”“I’m willing to take it for you.”Hands shaking, Jake reached for her, pulling her down onto

his lap, bringing their faces close. “This is selfish of me.”“No, it’s not. I know what I’m getting into.”“You promise?”“I promise.”“Then okay,” he whispered.Melissa smiled, tears shimmering in her eyes. “Really?”“I want you,” he told her honestly. “I want to try this with

you.”And as he kissed her for the first time, Jake swore he had no

idea why he felt so guilty.

Chicago, June 2012

“Jake?”Feeling all good kinds of exhausted, Jake caressed Melissa’s

naked hip and said, “Hmm?” without opening his eyes.Her hair slid across his chest and he felt the pressure of her

weight as she pushed herself up. “Jake?”Finally registering the serious tone in her voice, Jake

pried his eyes open, a satisfied smile curling his lips as hetook her in, in all her naked glory. Jesus, she was gorgeous.They’d been dating for the past few months and Jake had toadmit, it was the first time in a long time he felt any sense of


contentment. It wasn’t that he still didn’t feel restless. Some-times he wanted nothing more than to jump in a car anddrive and keep going until he felt his insides settle down. Butsince that didn’t seem to be happening any time soon, hetook these moments with his girlfriend and held onto themfor dear life.

Melissa was completely drama-free. She came from a goodfamily, she had good friends, she didn’t like confrontation, andshe was laid-back. They never argued, got jealous or possessive,or felt like they were coming out of their skin with the intensityof what they felt for one another. It was soothing.

Or it was until this very moment.Jake watched, worried, as she stared at him, chewing her

lower lip nervously.“Hey,” he said, cupping his hand around her nape, drawing

her closer. “What’s wrong?”“I have to tell you something.”Fuck, was she pregnant?Jake’s heart hammered in his chest. “Okay?” He braced

himself.“I … I love you.”His heart almost stopped. She hadn’t said that since the first

time a few months ago.“You don’t have to say anything,” she rushed to assure him.

“I know what you said before, but I just needed to say it again.”“Mel …” He sighed, feeling his heart start beating at a

normal rate again. As he stared into her eyes, tendernesswashed over him. He did truly care about her. They had itgood, they had it easy, the sex was great, and there was definiteaffection there.

If something ever happened to her …An ache cut across Jake’s chest.Oh.

“I love you too,” he found himself whispering.


A beautiful smile lit up her whole face. Jake felt like a jerkfor not saying it sooner. “Really?”

“Really.” He drew her close, kissing her deep. If this were tobe his life, at least it would be sweet. Jake pushed her back.“You still deserve more. You get that, right?”

Melissa shook her head, still smiling. “I told you, JakeCaplin, I will take whatever you’re willing to give. I love youthat much.”

“Then I’m a lucky bastard.”“Don’t you forget it.” She kissed him again before curling

back into his side.Ignoring an old, familiar pain near his heart, Jake said

quietly, “Maybe we should cancel Edinburgh. If she’s there … Idon’t think it’s a good idea.”

“No,” Melissa shook her head, her hair tickling his chest.“We’re going. You need closure. We need you to get closure.”

Jake still thought it was a bad idea but he wanted to do rightby her. “If that’s what you want.”

A while later as Melissa snored lightly beside him, Jake gotout of bed and reached for his wallet. Inside was a picture of hisfamily. Jake pulled out the picture he’d hidden behind it.

Charley.He stared at her image, her cocky come-hither smile. His

fingers shook a little.He was moving on.Dropping his wallet, Jake hovered over the trash can, the

picture suspended above between his fingers.And suddenly he heard her.“Do you promise to take care of me for the rest of forever …?”

Jake’s breath hitched, his hands trembling.“We’re never going to lose this, Charley. I promise. Now tell me

you love me.”

“I love you, Jacob Caplin.”

Heart pounding, Jake stumbled back over to his wallet and


hurriedly slipped the photo back in behind the family picture.He braced his hands on the desk, taking deep, even breaths.

He didn’t know her anymore, so how could he still love her?He may not be willing to fall for someone like he had backthen, but that didn’t mean he was over Charley. Jake shook hishead adamantly. It was the just guilt. It was haunting him.

Glancing at his sleeping girlfriend, Jake rubbed a shakyhand over his short hair and decided Mel was right. Theyneeded to go to Edinburgh so he could apologize and find someclosure.

Once and for all.


EDINBURGH, SEPTEMBER 2012

It had been over a week since he’d last seen Charley.

She was an addiction he was craving.

Just as she’d promised when they’d hung out at Milk over a

week ago, Charley had been civil to him. However, it’d been

one very uncomfortable night. Jake had soaked in the precious

moments in her company, hating the jealousy he felt as she

flirted with Lowe, and exulting in the connection between

them when Jake’s eyes met hers. Under the guilt that seemed to

be a constant in his life, Jake felt that stirring of hope again.

Charley would never be his girl again, but maybe she wouldbe his friend.

The chance to push the subject with her hadn’t come up

since that night. Melissa had done a one eighty from insecure

girlfriend to pretending like none of it was happening. He

guessed he should be glad, but it gave him the strangest sense

of foreboding. Jake didn’t want to disrupt the peace in their

usually easy relationship, so he pretended that Charley didn’t

enter his mind at least every half hour.

That fateful day, for once Jake’s mind wasn’t on his ex but

rather on school. He searched the shelves in the reserve section

for an article he needed for one of his minor classes.

The sight of pale hair caught his attention. He glanced in its

direction, pulse racing.

Charley.

She frowned as she scoured the shelves.

Jake grinned. It was not an opportunity he could pass up.

Moth to the flame, he strode over to her. “Hey, Charley.”

Startled was understating her reaction. She jumped, her

arm flailing out toward him as she turned.

Jake jerked back to avoid it. “Jesus,” he said, taken aback by

her surprise.

Charley glared at him, resting her hand on her chest as she

tried to catch her breath. “Are you trying to kill me?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know the words, ‘Hey, Charley’ were

considered lethal.”

“They are if you sneak up behind me and practically

whisper them in my ear. It’s creepy. Creepiness often precedes

death.”

God, he forgot how adorable she was. How much she made

him laugh. He tried to contain his amusement since she

seemed pretty annoyed. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You do that.”

Jake studied her as she turned to look back to the shelf.

Attraction flared in his gut as he took in her delicate profile, an

attraction he tried to squash but instead leaned into. “Whatcha

looking for?’ he asked, dipping his head close to hers.

Her perfume was different than before, but it suited her.

She flicked him an unamused look. “The equation for time

travel. Some guy just gave me permanent heart failure and I’d

like to go back in time and change today so I’m lying on a beach

in Guam being waited on by a hottie named Han with heavy

footsteps and an aversion to whispering.”

And suddenly he was sixteen again, falling for a girl by the

34 Edinburgh, September 2012

light of a bonfire. Jake laughed, shoving the intensity of those

emotions deep down inside him, somewhere he hoped they’d

get lost. Pretending indifference, he observed, “Still a smart-ass,

I see.”

She had a retort. She always had a retort. Jake missed

that too.

To his delight, Charley agreed to have coffee with him.

From there they fell into banter, just like they’d always been

able to. Jake knew it wasn’t the same. She was guarded and even

he was guarded, but the ability to just be with one another was

still there. Like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together.

They talked a while about their families, catching up on

each other’s lives until Jake couldn’t help but ask if she was

seeing someone. He hadn’t thought he wanted to know until

just then. He knew he couldn’t have her. Didn’t mean he wasn’t

curious to know if there was a guy who did, and if he was

worthier than Jake had been.

When she said no, Jake ignored his relief, a relief quickly

blown to smithereens by her info-bomb that she’d been in a

relationship with some guy in college for ten months. Ten

months was longer than they’d had together.

That hurt like a motherfucker.

By the end of their conversation, Jake had rediscovered

Charley’s humor, her kindness, her ability to try. He knew as

she agreed to hang out with him at the gym that she was going

to try to forgive him.

That was all he could ever hope for.

Edinburgh, September 2012 35

EDINBURGH, HALLOWEEN 2012

The last few weeks had been filled with self-inflicted torture forJake. Being with Charley and not having her, and knowing thatdespite their friendly banter, she was never going to forgivehim. Yet still, he couldn’t help the way he felt about her, andfeeling that way about her while he was with Melissa waswrong. He knew it. Melissa knew it.

The connection between him and his girlfriend wasstrained. They were constantly on the verge of arguing, andJake felt like he was about to come out of his skin all the time.

But tonight … surely tonight was the final straw.With deep, gnawing jealousy and anger burning in his gut

over the wrong girl, Jake was lost.Melissa stood silently at his side, hurt and pissed off and

making him feel angry and guilty all at the same time. Shenever wanted to talk about what was going on, she didn’t wantto see, and he’d been too fucked up to make things right.

But no more.He slammed his beer bottle on the counter next to him,

eyeing the idiot on the couch who’d just had his hands all overCharley.

Not only did she have to turn up at Milk tonight dressed inthe sexiest fucking costume he’d ever seen his life, he’d walkedinto the party to find her on the couch, making out with theparty’s host, Aaron.

Jake saw red.And it was pretty damn hard to get a hold on it.Charley had promptly disappeared with Beck but now Beck

was back, making out with some random girl, and Charley was… fuck. Charley was walking toward them. Jake barely lookedat her, afraid if he did, she’d see everything he felt for her.

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Matt grab her intoa bear hug and put her down beside him.

“Having fun, Supergirl?” Matt’s eyes raked over her. Theway Jake was feeling, even that pissed him off.

“I will be once you get me a beer,” she flirted back, andsomething about the way she swayed annoyed Jake.

Charley was drunk. And he was worried that if she got anydrunker, she’d do something stupid, like sleep with Aaron.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” he found himselfsnapping at her.

She sneered at him. “No, Dad, I don’t.”Jake’s eyes narrowed as Aaron came up behind and put his

arms around her waist, drawing her back against him.“I need to steal Supergirl away for a bit,” he said in his posh

English accent. It pissed Jake off even more. “She needs torescue me from a dire, dire situation …”

Charley laughed and let him drag her away, while Jakestood there helplessly. His hands hung at his sides in tight fistsas he brooded after them.

“Are you kidding me?” Melissa shoved him.Jake eyed her warily. “Don’t, Mel.”“Don’t Mel me,” she clipped out, not caring they had

witnesses. “You can’t even hide it. You’re jealous!”“Oh, so now you want to talk?” Jake said. “Not here.”

38 Edinburgh, Halloween 2012

Uncertainty entered her eyes but she nodded. “Let’s go backto your place, then.”

But knowing how this was going to end, Jake shook hishead. “No, let’s go back to yours.”

The walk back to her apartment was long and silent, thetension thick between them.

They could hear the chatter of her roommates in thekitchen, but Melissa walked past the door, heading for herbedroom.

She stood across the room from him, beautiful and in lovewith him, and it no longer affected him how it should. Insteadof feeling grateful for it, it exhausted him. Almost resentful, theguilt it piled on top of him. That wasn’t fair to either of them.

He drew in a shuddering breath. “I think maybe we shouldtake a break.”

Melissa made a face. “Like I didn’t know that was coming.”“Mel, please—”“No, don’t.” She threw her hands up in exasperation. “Are

you insane, Jake?”“What—”“I know you care about her.” She took a step toward him.

“I’m not blind, or stupid, and I know that you’re a good personso you feel guilty for feeling that way about her.”

He gave her a look, telling her without words that she’dnailed it.

“Jake … I know you’re a good person and I know Charleymust be a good person because she has been big enough to putthe past behind her and try to be friends.” The sympathy inMelissa’s eyes was a warning. “But Jake, you need to move on.Not for me. For you. I’m a woman and I know women and I’mtelling you that as much as Charley’s being cool with you, shewill never forgive you long enough to take you back. She’s overyou, Jake. Everyone can see that. Right now … she’s having sexwith someone else.” She reached for him, cupping his face in

Edinburgh, Halloween 2012 39

her hands. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to stop youfrom making a huge mistake.” She kissed him softly. “Don’t youremember how good we were before all this?”

Jake felt himself clutch onto her, like she was a life raft.“Yeah,” he whispered.

“Don’t throw it away on something that’ll never happen.”

40 Edinburgh, Halloween 2012

S

CHICAGO, DECEMBER 2012

tanding at the taxi rank with Melissa, the smell ofwinter and exhaust fumes and Chicago all aroundthem, Jake was reeling.

For the past few weeks, he’d attempted over and over againto choke his feelings for Charley, doing everything in his powerto take his mind off her. There were times it worked. Like thetimes Melissa subtly reminded him that Charley would neversee him in a romantic light again. He’d even analyzed the wayCharley talked to him, acted around him, and decided Melissawas right. She never touched him casually unless he initiated it,her smiles were guarded, her laughter not as carefree, and herarely caught her looking at him. This convinced him Melissawas right. Even with Beck’s offhand comment a few weeks ago—the suggestion that Charley wasn’t over him. Even with Lowepulling him aside to berate him that night they’d gone toFrankenstein’s for the pub quiz, demanding he stop playingwith Charley’s head.

Confused, Jake had turned to Mel, who in turn had told herLowe was seeing things through the eyes of a guy with his ownissues, a guy who was projecting those issues onto them.

He had been convinced.Until fifteen minutes ago when Charley’s dad, Jim Redford

(a guy Jake had always respected) had looked at him with suchcontempt, it floored Jake. After all this time, when Charley wassupposed to have been over him for years, her dad hated him.

Which could only mean that Charley hadn’t gotten overhim as easily as he’d thought.

Beck’s and Lowe’s comments came back to haunt him.“You’re quiet,” Melissa observed, her voice a little shaky.Jake stared at her blankly.“Jake?” she sighed. “You’re still upset about Charley’s dad?”His eyes washed over her beautiful face and Jake felt that

same awful emotion he’d been feeling for weeks—resentment.More than that, suspicion niggled at him. This whole timeshe’d advised him to move on from Charley because she couldtell Charley wasn’t interested in him. Jake had trusted Melbecause she’d also been betrayed by the boy she’d loved in thepast, and Jake thought she had real insight into the whole situa-tion. But now Jake couldn’t help but question Melissa’s motives.And it occurred to him how stupid he was for not questioningthem in the first place. She wanted to be with him. Would shesay anything to make that happen?

He felt like a shit for even thinking it, but he wasn’t a bigenough dick to say it out loud. Even if she had led him astrayfrom the truth, he’d let her. He was still to blame.

Jake knew, as he stood there with her, he was tired of feelinglike an imposter in his own life.

“This isn’t working,” he whispered, hating to hurt her.Melissa didn’t look surprised. Just angry. “Because of

Charley’s dad. That doesn’t mean anything.”“This isn’t about Charley.”“The hell it’s not,” she snapped.Before Jake could reply, a cab pulled up to the rank. The

cheery driver got out to help Jake put their luggage in the trunk.

42 SAMANTHA YOUNG

“Where are we going?” the cabbie asked as they settled inthe backseat, “White Christmas” playing on his radio.

Wishing he were anywhere but stuck in a confined spacewith Melissa, Jake managed to politely answer, “Northbrookfirst. Then Oak Park.”

“You got it.”The radio was the only sound in the cab as they pulled

away. Jake watched the driver give the two of them a curiouslook in the rearview mirror. The guy opened his mouth as if toask a question, but Melissa beat him to it.

“Are you breaking up with me?”Jake blanched, watching the driver’s brows snap together,

his gaze instantly darting away, as if that would somehow givehis passengers privacy.

Looking at her, stomach twisting in knots, Jake sighed. “Wecan’t do this here.”

She glared at him, tears shimmering in her eyes. “I’m notgoing home just for you to call and break up with me.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”She huffed. “Spare me, Jake.”Anguished, Jake tried to make her see where he was coming

from. “I’m not breaking up with you for Charley. I’m doing thisfor us. For you. You deserve more, Mel. You deserve a guywho’ll love you as much as you love him. You deserve a guywho you can’t live without, and I think we both know that’s notme. If I was the one, you’d demand I love you back the sameway. You wouldn’t be able to settle for loving me ‘enough for theboth of us.’”

The tears slid down her cheeks fast and Jake reached forher, pulling her into his arms. Despite everything, she clung tohim. “Don’t tell me what I feel.”

“Melissa,” he tightened his hold on her, his voice thick withemotion, “I never wanted to hurt you. I should’ve walked away.”

She sobbed in his arms for a while, only quieting as they


drew close to her neighborhood. Jake gave the cab driver heraddress and when they pulled up to the house, Jake helpedwith her luggage. For a moment they stood on the sidewalk,staring at one another.

Jake didn’t know what else to say.Finally, Melissa glanced up at her house, and dread filled

her eyes, as if she’d come to some sudden realization. That’swhen she shot Jake a disgusted look, turned on her heel, andwalked away without saying goodbye.

Not that Jake felt he deserved one.Trembling, he got back into the cab. The driver pulled away

and Jake decided it was best not to look back.“So …” the driver winced at him in the rear mirror, “merry

fucking Christmas, huh?”Jake exhaled wearily. “Merry fucking Christmas.”He pulled out his phone and scrolled through his contacts

until he found the one he was looking for.“Hey, man,” Beck answered on the second ring, “I just got

into Dad’s. I still don’t understand why we didn’t share a cab.You and Melissa fighting or something?”

“Actually, that’s why I called.”“Uh-oh. What happened?”“I broke up with her.”Beck was silent for a moment and then he said quietly, “It

was about time, Jake.”“I know.”“How you feeling?”Guilt punched him in the gut, but he answered honestly.

“Relieved.”“Need a beer?”Jake nodded gratefully, even though his friend couldn’t see

him. “Definitely. I’ll drop my stuff off at my folks, say hello, andthen I’ll come around to your dad’s.”

“See you soon,” Beck said. “And Jake?”

44 SAMANTHA YOUNG

“Yeah?”“Try not to beat yourself up too much. I’ve never known a

guy so emotionally black and blue.”“Hey, those would be great song lyrics!” a rough voice

shouted cheerily in the background.Jake frowned. “Was that your dad?”“Uh-huh. He started the party early. Like always.”Jesus. He was calling his friend with girl problems and Beck

had actual problems. “Dude, I’m sorry. I’ll be there soon.”They hung up and Jake flicked down a contact. Charley’s

name taunted him. They needed to talk.It was time for some answers.It was time to move on … one way or the other.


into the deep: bonus material - author samantha young

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