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Invasion of Pleasure Valley

A Play in Two Acts

By

Kimberly Hoff, Karen ‘Mal’ Malme and Jess Martin An original Queer Soup Product © 2004 Queer Soup Theater 5 Grenville Road Watertown, MA 02472

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Cast of Characters SUZIE LONGSTAFF In her early to mid thirties. Outwardly, she is the quintessential plain Jane housewife. Inwardly it’s a whole different story. DICK LONGSTAFF In his early to mid thirties. DICK is the husband of Suzie Longstaff. HE is president of the Longstaff Weapons Factory, Pleasure Valley’s biggest employer. PUSSY WHETMORE Former classmate of Dick and Suzie’s. PUSSY is a scientist who researches the paranormal/extra-terrestrial. SHE is very butch and carries a detect-o-meter. STU STAUNCH Deputy Sheriff of Pleasure Valley, also a former classmate of Dick and Suzie’s. STU is a good friend to all in an Andy Griffith kind of way. WUNDERLIAN HOST Ageless and wonderful. A collage of 50s game show hosts with the uncanny resemblance of a walking dildo. MISSY MAINE A Dupperware saleslady. 30s, friend of Suzie’s, cousin of Pussy’s. Effervescent and chipper. ABIGAIL PRIM A Dupperware saleslady. 50s. The model of propriety. She works for the local church. GLADYS KRAVITZ A Dupperware saleslady. 40s. Lover of rumballs, outspoken and blunt. REVEREND FOWLER The moral watch-guard of Pleasure Valley. Loves cookies and coffee and occasionally God. BOB Voiceover. The Wunderlian sidekick for HOST. Loves a good spoon. RADIO ANNOUNCER Voiceover. Pleasure Valley’s own voice for the people. Time: circa 1952. Place: Pleasure Valley, USA.

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ACT I

SCENE 1 AT RISE: Stage is brightly lit. Stage is set – very commercial/cartoony. Characters enter with various products, respective to their lines. They are bright and cheery at first but become more insistent, urgent as lights become dimmer. Lights come up to the sound of MISSY using a can opener to open the coffee can.

MISSY (sing-song) Ah! Enjoy Pleasure Valley’s own brand coffee! Delicious! Aromatic! Always fresh, always ready to serve!

FOWLER

When worn-out blades make shaving tough, reach for the man-size Ballsy-Blade, and for more power, try the patented Ballsy-Blade Extra –

GLADYS

Experiencing painful throbbing or a pulsing irritation? When you’re stuck on pain, take two Tylodyl, the tablets guaranteed to get you off!

STU (lights a cigarette) Yes, your mouth feels clean, your throat refreshed when you smoke a Longstaff cigarette! You’ll see there’s nothing like sucking on a carefully hand-rolled, firmly-packed cigarette! Why, you won’t want to stop!

MISS PRIM Tired of rubbing for hours to get that special glow again? Try new Cream of Mother Nature! It’s the natural way! (DICK runs in – centerstage in a panic. He is drenched in sweat and fear and his clothes look the worse for wear. Spotlight closes in on him as characters close in on him in his manic rage)

DICK My God! Everyone listen to me! You must listen! She’s coming! She’s going to – to –We’ve got to stop her! We won’t ever be the same!

STU Why nothing ever changes in Pleasure Valley!

MISS PRIM

And mmm, it smells like Heaven!

FOWLER No more bloodshed!

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GLADYS

No more aching pain!

MISSY It’s the best grind in town! (Everyone takes a turn offering DICK one of their products, in a comical/ menacing way. DICK flounders)

DICK What are you doing? Look at me! Listen! Put that down. I don’t need that. No. No. Please. (takes a cigarette) Just one, thanks. (regains his panic) Wait - can’t you see?! It’s already started! I know – I – I was there – (SUZIE enters behind DICK or into a spotlight)

SUZIE So was I, Dick. So was I. (SUZIE gives the audience a winning smile. DICK screams. BLACKOUT)

END OF SCENE 1

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SCENE 2 AT RISE: SUZIE and DICK LONGSTAFF’s kitchen. It is morning. There is a radio on the kitchen counter that SUZIE turns on. As RADIO ANNOUNCER begins to speak, the characters from the previous scene set the stage for DICK and SUZIE’s kitchen and living room. DICK and SUZIE compose themselves and respond to the RADIO ANNOUNCER’s description of them. SUZIE is preparing breakfast. DICK is sitting at the kitchen table reading the Pleasure Valley Tribune. We see some of the commercial products just advertised in their home which appear as if on display.

RADIO ANNOUNCER Ah yes, listeners, it’s another glorious morning in Pleasure Valley! Today’s forecast calls for more of that perfect sunshine and a sunny smile on every face in town. Thanks for tuning in this morning, responsible citizens, to another installment of Pleasure Valley’s own Daily Check-in. Let’s see, it’s exactly thirteen past the hour, where should we be on today’s schedule? Oh, yes, mom should be busy making a tasty and nutritious breakfast for her family!

DICK What’s on the menu today, mother?

SUZIE Why, fried eggs, bacon, toast, oatmeal and sausage! (DICK responds to “sausage”)

DICK I hope that’s Pleasure Valley’s own brand meat! You know how I love to eat meat!

SUZIE Oh you! Of course it is! (SUZIE proudly displays two perfectly sunny-side up eggs in her skillet. SHE then removes a large bucket labeled “GREASE” out from under the sink and begins scraping grease off the extra pots and pans into the bucket, happily)

RADIO ANNOUNCER (humbly chuckles) That’s right. I can just hear the bacon sizzling! Father is at ease knowing that he will start his busy day right. Soon he will be going to work where he will be happiest making his contribution to a productive society.

SUZIE What’s on today’s schedule, Dear?

DICK More missiles for the arsenal today. Nothing new I’m afraid. Although there is some talk of bringing the A-bomb to town! Wouldn’t that be swell!

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RADIO ANNOUNCER Family, the most sacred institution of them all. Mom’s most important job is to give all her time and effort to keeping the family unit strong as well as set the best example for the rest of the community to follow! (SUZIE looks a little harried as she attempts to keep the kitchen spotless and still get breakfast on the table and keep up with the RADIO ANNOUNCER. As she tries to keep up, she makes the decision to try to turn off the radio, but it is difficult as she attempts to do everything he describes)

RADIO ANNOUNCER Yes, spotless kitchen counters! Floors so clean you could eat off of them. Well-balanced lunches packed fresh each day for the little ones to take to school. Don’t forget their homework! And always ready to give Dad that third cup of coffee. What about those kids! They can’t start the day on an empty stomach!

SUZIE (somewhat desperate) Chip! Laura! Breakfast! Where are those children?

RADIO ANNOUNCER Good old American values where father knows best and mother does the rest! When you come to Pleasure Valley, you might just want to stay forever! And don’t forget, we have locally grown coffee and cigarettes! (SUZIE manages to turn off the radio)

SUZIE What’s new in the world today, Mr. Longstaff?

DICK Hm!

SUZIE What is it, dear?

DICK

Some coot in Morningwood Heights says he saw a flying saucer last night.

SUZIE Flying saucer?

DICK Mm hm.

SUZIE Last night?

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DICK

Mm hm.

SUZIE Why that’s the funniest thing!

DICK Hmm?

SUZIE Chip saw something strange last night through his telescope. Maybe it was a flying saucer.

DICK Maybe he imagined it.

SUZIE I shouldn’t think so. We’ve tried so hard to discourage imagination in the children.

DICK

Hmmm. Probably reading too much.

SUZIE Yes, of course, you’re right. I’ll go through their books today, and let you decide which ones should be thrown away.

DICK

Books without pictures are usually the culprit.

SUZIE Oh! Speaking of pictures, the new Pleasure Valley Men in Uniform calendar arrived yesterday.

DICK

Already? Terrific! (SUZIE hands DICK the calendar. DICK eagerly flips through)

DICK Hard work truly does pay off!

SUZIE And you worked especially hard!

DICK

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Yessir! I really deserve a pat on the back for this one. Why, I just know everyone will want one of these in their home!

SUZIE Think of the money you’ll raise for the town.

DICK (distracted by photos) Yes, that too!

SUZIE Shall I hang it up on the wall, dear?

DICK I better take this one to the office. I’ll get another one for the home –

SUZIE Is that Stu? He looks so smart in that uniform.

DICK (dreamy) Yeah, he’s super. Well, I’d better run! Remember, I’ve got bowling with the boys tonight!

SUZIE And I’ve got my house-party with the girls!

DICK Don’t wait up!

SUZIE Have a great day!

DICK Why, every day is a great day in Pleasure Valley! (SUZIE goes to kiss DICK goodbye, he turns his cheek to her. DICK exits. SUZIE goes back to cleaning, humming a jingle. Lights out)

END OF SCENE 2

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SCENE 3 SETTING: MISSY MAINE’s living room. It looks much like SUZIE’s save for a few added frillier elements. AT RISE: MISSY, SUZIE, MISS PRIM, GLADYS are all wearing a very similar dress with checked-pattern, perhaps slight (very slight) alterations in the color. They are as much alike as possible in dress and manner despite their age differences. They are talking, having cocktails. As lights come up, all four women finish a laugh and sigh.

GLADYS And every single word of it is true!

MISSY Gladys, it can’t be!

MISS PRIM Dear me.

GLADYS Honestly, I have never seen my floors cleaner. Thanks to this marvelous new Bland-X! (GLADYS displays a bottle of Bland-X to the ladies. THEY find this highly interesting and amusing)

MISSY But how does it smell –

GLADYS Well –

MISS PRIM I think I’ll keep my wall-to-wall carpeting. Thank you very much.

GLADYS Well I know how much you like the feel of your rug!

MISS PRIM Indeed I do!

SUZIE Ladies, please. No matter what covers your floor, the important thing to remember is…

GLADYS Might I have a splash more here? (GLADYS holds her glass out to MISSY. SUZIE clears her throat. Occasionally GLADYS spikes her drink with a little Bland-X)

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SUZIE/ MISS PRIM/ GLADYS/ MISSY

A clean home is a happy home.

MISSY My, look at the time, and we haven’t even gotten down to business –

SUZIE That’s right. (The ladies all pull out their matching Dupperware cases)

SUZIE Now ladies, we are all by now familiar with the miracle of melamine -

MISSY It’s the latest in space age plastics.

GLADYS Oh yes. I’ve already got two orders –

MISS PRIM I have three –

GLADYS With two more on the way.

SUZIE Wonderful news! I know you’ve been ever so patient for the latest product to be added to our already unbelievable collection –

MISSY It’s here! Oh my goodness! Ladies, I can’t believe it’s finally here!

MISS PRIM Calm down, Missy, really, that’s no way to behave.

SUZIE Yes, please welcome – Dupperware Blue – (SUZIE sets our a very ordinary looking blue container, and the ladies gasp in excitement)

MISS PRIM (very excited) Blue!

GLADYS

What will they think of next?

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SUZIE

Yes, Dupperware Blue has all the same wonderful economic and time-saving qualities as Dupperware Pink, Yellow and Green and in the most soothing shade of blue that can be found anywhere on today’s market. Thanks to a fortunate mix-up in the factory’s complicated dye-ing process, we now have over 3,000 Dupperware Blue containers to sell to our fellow Pleasure Valleyians! (MISSY does some quick math)

MISSY Why that’s more than – than -

MISS PRIM More than the entire population of the town.

GLADYS And then-some.

SUZIE This doesn’t sound like my regional saleswomen talking. What do we say to a challenge ladies?

MISS PRIM/GLADYS/MISSY There’s nothing that can’t be sold!

SUZIE There’s nothing that can’t be sold! That’s right! Why it would be un-American of us not to sell a few factory-displaced products! And it would simply be wrong of anyone not to buy more than their fair share of Dupperware. We would be doing a disservice to our own community if we didn’t try our hardest.

MISS PRIM Of course, Suzie.

GLADYS You’re right dear. Always. There you have it.

MISSY Absolutely! Now, who would like some coffee?

GLADYS You know how I take mine! (GLADYS tips the Bland-X at MISSY. MISSY and MISS PRIM begin clearing away the cocktails)

SUZIE

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So we should have no trouble at all to sell, sell, sell - (The doorbell rings.)

MISSY Could you answer that Suzie? I can’t imagine who it would be at this hour –

SUZIE Of course – (SUZIE opens the door. PUSSY is standing in the entrance with a leather saddlebag hanging off her shoulder. SHE is wearing corduroys and a black leather jacket and a helmet)

SUZIE Hello –

PUSSY I’m sorry. I must have the wrong house.

SUZIE I hope not. I mean, you might not. Missy lives here. Missy… Missy…

PUSSY Maine?

SUZIE That’s right. (PUSSY pulls off her helmet to reveal short cropped hair)

PUSSY I’m her cousin, Pussy Whetmore.

SUZIE Yes, you are. Come in, please. Let me take something.

GLADYS Who is it, dear?

SUZIE Missy’s cousin – (MISSY and MISS PRIM enter with coffee tray)

MISSY Pussy!

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(MISSY runs and hugs PUSSY)

MISSY Oh girls, I completely forgot she was arriving tonight. Miss Prim, Gladys Kravitz, Suzie.

MISS PRIM/GLADYS/SUZIE Hello –

PUSSY Suzie Likkerbutter?

SUZIE Longstaff now.

PUSSY Oh yes, right –

MISSY That’s right. You two were in high school together.

PUSSY

Same year.

SUZIE Gym class.

MISS PRIM I’ve never approved of locker rooms, myself! Why to think of those blossoming young girls having to perspire every day for the sake of some needless physical activity!

GLADYS Why I’ll just bet you were as close as two girls can get!

SUZIE Gym class.

PUSSY It’s been a long time. Since our high school graduation picnic at the beach…

MISS PRIM Well, come, sit down. Don’t be shy!

MISSY Look at that smart haircut! Is that how all the ladies are wearing it in the big city?

PUSSY Morningwood Heights is hardly a big city –

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GLADYS

You drove all the way from the city at night?

PUSSY Oh, my motorcycle hasn’t broken down yet –

MISS PRIM Alone? Oh dear. What smart slacks.

PUSSY Thank you.

MISSY Oh where are my manners? Coffee, anyone? (MISSY, GLADYS, MISS PRIM busy themselves with preparing coffee. PUSSY pulls off her jacket to reveal a man’s shirt and tie. SUZIE clears her throat)

SUZIE So, what brings you back to Pleasure Valley?

PUSSY Well, I…

MISSY She’s chasing that UFO; aren’t you, Pussy? Didn’t you read about it in the paper?

GLADYS Read?! Humph. What’s that business about?

MISS PRIM Oh, it’s a foolish story someone made up about mysterious flying objects in the sky. Someone from the city no doubt!

PUSSY Actually, there have been several reports made right here, in Pleasure Valley. So, yes, I thought I would come down and put some of my equipment to the test.

MISSY I knew it!

SUZIE Equipment?

PUSSY It’s something I’ve put together myself that detects high levels of any unusual paranormal activity –

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(PUSSY pulls an alien-detecto-meter out of her saddlebag, waves the detecto-wand about the room. MISS PRIM, GLADYS and MISSY watch with interest while they discreetly cover themselves. The detecto-meter appears to find something “unusual” about GLADYS’ Bland-X)

PUSSY

Or it could just tell me what to use to clean my floors. (The ladies breathe a sigh of relief and laugh)

MISS PRIM Well I daresay what kind of space-man would sit around and wait for you to wave that rod in his face!

GLADYS Indeed –

PUSSY Suzie, are you all right?

MISSY You look a little flushed.

MISS PRIM Definitely a queer look about you, dear –

SUZIE I just need some air. Excuse me. Excuse me. I must go. I just. I have to. Somewhere. Well, goodnight ladies –

MISS PRIM/GLADYS Goodnight!

MISSY Must you leave? Pussy just came!

PUSSY Do you need a ride?

SUZIE Oh no, don’t be silly! No, thank you. I’m just down the street -

PUSSY Goodnight.

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SUZIE Yes. Um. Bye. (SUZIE picks up her case and exits, hurriedly)

PUSSY She didn’t seem in any state to be walking –

MISSY The poor dear, what came over her?

MISS PRIM All this silly talk of UFOs, no doubt!

PUSSY I didn’t mean to upset her. I should go, make sure she gets home all right.

MISSY What a sweet idea! (PUSSY exits)

GLADYS See now, you can take the girl out of Pleasure Valley, but you can’t take Pleasure Valley out of the girl!

END OF SCENE 3

SCENE 4 AT RISE: SUZIE is rushing home, outside. SHE hears the echo-y voices of the ladies as SHE wanders about the stage. It is night.

MISSY Knew each other in high school!

MISS PRIM I’ve never approved of locker rooms, myself!

GLADYS

As close as two girls can get!

SUZIE Oh dear –

MISSY/GLADYS/MISS PRIM The beach, the beach, the beach…

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SUZIE Oh, what’s come over me?

PUSSY High school graduation…

SUZIE The picnic… (FLASHBACK sequence begins. SUZIE finds herself back on the beach after high school graduation. MISSY, GLADYS, MISS PRIM set out a picnic basket and a blanket. DICK enters in his beach wear and letterman’s jacket. SUZIE settles herself down to the picnic after making some type of costume change)

DICK Isn’t this the best? Wow! Just look at those boys go. I never knew how exciting a game of football could be!

SUZIE Oh Dick, all you ever think about is sports! Why, I can’t believe I’m a high school graduate! (SUZIE holds up her rolled up diploma, which is tucked in the picnic basket)

DICK

Me too!

SUZIE Where do I go from here… I wonder.

DICK That’s nice honey. Oh, look out – (A football flies on to the stage, and DICK catches it, somewhat trampling on part of the picnic spread. DICK chuckles as STU stumbles on to the stage. SUZIE gasps at the picnic catastrophe)

STU Oops! Sorry about that folks! That one went a little beyond my reach.

DICK No problem here Stu, but you might want to work on your technique.

STU Is that so? Now, who’s telling the ol’ football captain how to play his game!

SUZIE Oh boys –

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DICK

Is that what you call playing? (DICK tucks the ball under his arm and rushes STU. The two tackle and struggle over the ball)

STU Oh, is that how you’re gonna be, ey, Longstaff? Well, watch out for the long arm of Stu Staunch! (STU and DICK playfully wrestle for the football. SUZIE watches, a mix between amusement and boredom. The football rolls away as STU and DICK continue to wrestle. SUZIE goes after the ball that stops under PUSSY’s boot)

SUZIE (distracted by the boys) Oh, you two! Not again! (SUZIE stops at PUSSY’s shoe, slowly looks up to PUSSY. PUSSY is dressed in the same beach outfit as Danny from the beach scene in “Grease”)

PUSSY

Hi, Suzie. Does this belong to you? (SUZIE quickly retouches her make-up and hair)

SUZIE Oh hi. No, I don’t play with balls. I leave that to the boys.

DICK Is that the best you’ve got Staunch!

STU Wait till I pin you!

DICK I’m waiting!

PUSSY I see. Well. Balls don’t really interest me either. (PUSSY hands the ball to SUZIE, starts to exit. SUZIE follows)

SUZIE I heard you got accepted into college –

PUSSY

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Yeah, I leave at the end of summer.

SUZIE On your way to a degree in M. R. S.? It’s a lucky man who catches you -

PUSSY Oh, he’ll have to catch me all right. (STU manages to pin DICK to the ground)

STU Say it! Say it!

DICK Never! (STU grinds into DICK more)

STU I won’t let you up until you do!

PUSSY

Would you like to – go for a walk?

SUZIE That would be nice – (DICK notices PUSSY, and quickly regains his composure)

DICK Let me up, Stu. I’ve got something to do – (STU notices PUSSY as well and releases his hold on DICK. STU helps DICK up. DICK grabs SUZIE’s arm before she can exit)

DICK Suzie, Suzie, wait –

SUZIE What is it, Dick? (DICK pulls SUZIE aside, while STU pulls PUSSY away)

STU Ms. Whetmore…

PUSSY Mr. Staunch?

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DICK

There is something I’ve been meaning to ask you –

SUZIE I brought canned ham sandwiches, your favorite. And I wrapped then in a bit of ice, just like we learned in home ec, so they’ll stay chilled.

DICK Really? That’s… No, I mean, I’ve been thinking about, about our future –

STU Are you going to the big dance later?

PUSSY What? Oh I don’t think so.

STU You can’t miss the last big dance! Dick and Suzie will be there.

SUZIE What about the future? What do you mean?

DICK Well, what I want to say is. We’ve been going out for a long time now. Why, we were even voted the Best Couple four years in a row in high school. And now, we don’t have high school anymore. We have, well, the rest of our lives. And all the people in Pleasure Valley can’t be wrong, can they?

SUZIE No, I don’t think so.

DICK So then, we should, don’t you think? We should, I mean… everyone knows we will…

SUZIE Dick?

PUSSY I don’t have anything to wear.

STU You could borrow something of mine.

PUSSY That’s so… thoughtful –

DICK

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Will you marry me, Suzie?

SUZIE Marry you?

DICK Yes!

STU She said, yes? Of course, she’d say yes.

PUSSY Of course.

SUZIE I…

DICK You’ll make me so happy. The town will be so happy! Aren’t we all just so happy?

SUZIE

Happy? I guess? (As the following two lines are spoken, SUZIE seems caught in a daze. SHE looks from DICK to PUSSY to STU, who is blocking PUSSY from crossing. The lights intensify until SUZIE is blinking at the brightness. PUSSY, DICK, and STU collect the picnic and exit as a strange humming sounds and the light begins to pulse. SUZIE changes back into her present day costume as she says her lines)

STU Oh boy, a wedding!

DICK You’ll be my best man, and you’ll get to make a toast. We’ll have a night out with the boys! And you’ll look so spiffy in a tuxedo! (DICK, STU and PUSSY exit. PUSSY exits last)

SUZIE Oh where is my head sometimes, I swear! Silly, silly me! As if one picnic on the beach could change anything. My, now where did I wander off to? Oh Suzie, you really must pay attention to where you are walking. Now let’s see, I’m on the corner of Elm, and… oh my. (sighs) This isn’t Elm. That’s funny. It’s quiet out here tonight – except for that –, what is that? (The lights dim.)

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SUZIE Hello? Is anyone there? (The humming sound intensifies.)

SUZIE Hello? Mr. Green is that you out walking Puddles? (Lights flash. BLACKOUT, humming sound jabs, then silence)

SUZIE

Oh my!

END OF SCENE 4

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SCENE 5 SETTING: The police station, interrogation room. Present day. AT RISE: DICK, looking as disheveled as we left him in SCENE 1, is nervously pacing the interrogation room while STU pours him a cup of Pleasure Valley’s own brand coffee.

DICK We’ll need tanks, guns, more guns, an army. You should call the National Guard. We should call the President! It’s a national emergency! Everyone must know! Get on the phone, man! What are you waiting for?!

STU Now, now. Why don’t you calm down, Dick. Have some coffee. Pleasure Valley’s Own. It will settle your nerves.

DICK This is no time for coffee! (STU gently forces DICK to sit down)

STU We can’t have you running all over town in such a state. You were scaring children. And animals. And who knows what else.

DICK She’s going to – she’s going to –

STU She? She – who? Wait a minute, are you talking about Suzie? What could she possibly be up to?

DICK There’s no time to explain. I have to stop her! I have to get out of here! (STU presses DICK back into the chair. STU moves behind DICK, clasping his hands on DICK’s shoulders to keep him seated, eventually this becomes a massage)

STU You’re not going anywhere like this. Why, you don’t even have your tie on straight.

DICK This isn’t the time for having everything straight!

STU Why don’t you tell me how it all began? From the beginning. When it all started. You know, whatever this thing is that must have had a start.

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DICK

It was on that night – league night -

STU You mean the night of the power failure?

DICK She was at a house party, or so she said, but I think, there must have been something more – I can hardly believe it either, but, but there was something about that night – it must have been horrible, unimaginable, the most traumatic night of her life! (LIGHTS fade out. CROSSOVER into next scene)

END OF SCENE 5

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SCENE 6 SETTING: Wunderlian spaceship. It is furnished like a fifties game show. The ship has different marked areas: “Abductitron case area, “As Seen On TV” product area, earthling experiment area, etc. The Wunderlian HOST is wearing a suit and tie and holding cue cards (as if he considers this the way humans communicate, not that he needs them). HOST speaks out to an unseen television audience. The room becomes filled with dazzling light and an undercurrent of cheesey game show music plays underneath. AT RISE: Transition from SCENE 5. SUZIE is standing at the center of the stage, holding her case. The HOST is standing next to her.

HOST This is your lucky night! Welcome one and all to another episode of…

SUZIE Where am I? What’s happening to me? Who are you?

HOST Not quite, but close enough! (Canned applause plays)

HOST Please welcome our first abductee, I mean, guest, Mrs. Suzie Longstaff! Mrs. Longstaff comes to us from that quaint little seaside town, Pleasure Valley. She’s been a Pleasure Valleyian since being biologically incepted by two warm-blooded homosapiens in the backseat of a locally-made vehicular transport. She likes patterns, pocketbooks and the color pink. Give her a round of applause! (Canned applause plays)

HOST That’s enough! Let me take your case! (HOST takes SUZIE’s dupperware case and sets it aside next to the alien case, which is clearly marked with some type of alien emblems)

SUZIE Thank you. Oh. Wait. Where did you say I was?

HOST Isn’t she a doll? (Hooting, a whistle, more applause)

HOST

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Would you listen to that Mrs. Longstaff, Suzie, may I call you Suzie, of course I can. Why they love you!

SUZIE Who?

HOST Nevermind!

SUZIE Oh, you’re quite – you don’t look like --

HOST Enough about me. Let’s learn more about you! We’ve done a little bit of research, and our sources tell us that you are a very important person here in Pleasure Valley. Why, you are the most important person of them all!

SUZIE I don’t know about that. Who told you that?

HOST Nevermind! (HOST places a metal strainer on SUZIE’s head and SHE goes into a trance-like state)

SUZIE Ok.

HOST Tell us, how do you rule the world?

SUZIE Could you please repeat the question?

HOST I see. (HOST makes some adjustments to the metal strainer, as if HE thinks it is not working properly. A jeopardy theme of countdown musical ticking begins)

HOST

As the most important person here, you must have a lot of power. Where or what is your source for this power?

SUZIE Is this about my creamed egg casserole? That recipe’s been in my family for years – there really is no secret –

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HOST Aha! A secret! Yes, what is your secret, Suzie? (SUZIE becomes tense)

SUZIE (very bright) Why, you, you, silly funny-looking… man, I don’t have any secrets!

HOST There must be something you are hiding!

SUZIE (more tense) I’m an open book!

HOST I think she’s not telling us something! What do you think? (Canned applause)

HOST Come on, Suzie, tell us everything!

SUZIE Have you heard about Dupperware? It’s the latest in space age plastics; it’s the miracle of melamine. It’s perfect for all your needs – (There is an upset sound from the audience, some “boos”)

HOST You don’t rule the world, do you, Suzie Longstaff?

SUZIE Me? Never!

HOST And you don’t have some hidden source of power, do you?

SUZIE

I’m a housewife. I’m very happy. I am.

HOST Right! We hate to see you go, but we really don’t want you to stay! So, we’ll be sending you right on back home. If you happen to know who rules this planet, feel free to let us know.

SUZIE I don’t, I don’t.

28

HOST Of course, you don’t. Why would anyone tell you? But we won’t let you leave empty-handed. Bob, tell her what she’s won. (Disappointed, the HOST removes strainer from SUZIE’s head as BOB makes his spiel. SUZIE seems to come to and becomes somewhat aware of her alien surroundings)

BOB We’ll be giving you a handful of these lightweight yet durable metal eating implements. They complement any meal, preferably those found in concave serving dishes! Enjoy all thirty-eight. (HOST hands SUZIE a silver orb which has 38 spoons lodged into it)

SUZIE What is this? Who -

HOST Thank you for joining us! Sorry you don’t have any control over your world! All the best. Really. Don’t forget your bag, and watch the sliding door on your way out! Buh-bye. (HOST hurries SUZIE off-stage. SUZIE grabs the alien case in her haste to make an exit)

HOST Thanks for tuning in! And remember, don’t remember a thing when you get back home! (BLACKOUT)

END OF SCENE 6 SCENE 7

AT RISE: Same evening. The Stage is split. DICK and STU are walking up to the police station. Lights up only on DICK and STU.

DICK Golly, Stu, it’s a shame the electricity went out when it did. You were bowling a perfect game.

STU I’m sure you’re all broken up about it Longstaff, especially since I was going to finally beat your all time record.

DICK I guess we’ll never know now.

STU

29

Just wait until next week, champ. It will take more than a loss of electricity to keep my hands off those balls.

DICK Are you challenging me, Officer Staunch?

STU Do you think you can handle it, Longstaff?

DICK Don’t you worry your little head.

STU Not a chance. Goodnight then, Dick. (STU and DICK shake hands firmly)

STU I’ll give a call over to Light and Power, see what the fuss is all about. I’ll bet it was just old man Sweeney backing up his Ol’ Phallus pickup into that telephone pole again.

DICK I hope so. I have a big contract to fill on Monday. I need to see the long silver shafts of all those missiles coming down the conveyer belt or it’s curtains.

STU Iron curtains. (DICK and STU chuckle.)

DICK

Exactly my point. Good night, Stu.

STU My best to Suzie. (STU exits, DICK watches STU leave then exits other way, lights down on DICK.) (Lights flicker once or twice, foreboding music stabs coincide, on other half of stage, we see a flash of an image of SUZIE lying on her back, horizontal to the audience, on the Longstaff kitchen floor. She has a metal colander covering her face. There is a sharp knocking at the back door off the kitchen. A dark figure enters, standing over SUZIE.)

FOWLER I say – hello?! Mrs. Longstaff? (FOWLER turns on kitchen light, lights up on kitchen)

30

FOWLER Dear me! Mrs. Longstaff! We mustn’t lie on the floor in such a position. Now let’s get you up on your feet, where the Lord can see you better. (FOWLER roughly pulls SUZIE up on her feet and colander falls off her face. The orb of spoons is on the counter. SUZIE is in a slight post abduction haze, but begins to come around.)

SUZIE What a silly, funny-looking man? (pause) Reverend Fowler!

FOWLER I have been knocking.

SUZIE What brings you by, Reverend? (FOWLER gives SUZIE a judgmental look. SUZIE springs into action: pouring him a cup of coffee, serving up cookies. FOWLER sits and eats/drinks)

SUZIE I’m so sorry, Reverend. You must think I’m a terrible hostess!? Here you are-

FOWLER I’m just out on my regular evening constitutional, looking in on some of my favorite parishioners. Of course, only the Lord knows who the truly faithful are. Oops, my, what do we have here? (FOWLER almost trips on the alien case on the floor, then picks it up)

SUZIE Oh, that’s just my Dupperware case…?

FOWLER Well be careful where you put it dear, the children could fall and hurt themselves, and we wouldn’t want that now would we?

SUZIE You’re right. Fortunately, the children are at sleepovers tonight, separately of course, so they’re safe for the time being.

FOWLER May I? I’d like to see this Dupperware that my church secretary has been making such a fuss about, when she should be concentrating on God’s work, my sermon certainly won’t type itself up on its own. (FOWLER places the case on the kitchen table and opens it, there is a strange humming sound, and the lights change.)

31

FOWLER

Perhaps you should explain yourself, my dear.

SUZIE Dupperware is the latest in plastics, its durable, odor resistant and…oh my!? (SUZIE looks into case and sees it’s not Dupperware, as she peers in, her demeanor changes. SUZIE suddenly hears voices in her head reminiscent of her abduction. The voice is a tinny echoed voiceover. )

HOST(Voiceover) How do you rule the world- world- world? You must have a lot of power- power- power. What is your secret-secret-secret? Just a housewife-wife-wife. Creamed egg casserole-role-role…

FOWLER My dear- in the name of our father, I demand to know what this is.

SUZIE Power.

FOWLER Pardon?

SUZIE It’s nothing that concerns you, Reverend. Now if you don’t mind, I’m very busy.

FOWLER

May I remind you to whom you are speaking?

SUZIE I warn you Reverend Fowler, I am not to be trifled with.

FOWLER Mrs. Longstaff, you don’t seem yourself. Perhaps, I should phone Doctor Peterson. I do believe one little lamb has lost her way from the flock. I will take this case at once to the proper authorities. (beat) This is most surprising Mrs. Longstaff, what with your family’s tradition of strong moral character. (SUZIE hears the echo again: same tinny echoed voiceover, FOWLER crosses to the phone, picks up the receiver, and begins to dial.)

HOST (Voiceover)

Power…power…power…

SUZIE I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.

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(SUZIE shuts off the light, the lights dim, she grabs an object in the case, she holds it over her head as if to strike FOWLER with it, there is a humming sound, the lights flicker, music stabs, and instead the object “zaps” FOWLER. SUZIE jumps backward from the force.)

FOWLER Holy mother of …AAAAAH! (Lights flash, then down. Beat. Door bell rings. Lights up on SUZIE freshening up. FOWLER is nowhere to be seen, but his toupee is on the floor. SUZIE casually throws it out of the kitchen, so it lands under the couch [or near it]. The case is shut.)

SUZIE Let them come. (The doorbell rings again)

SUZIE (Cheerily) Come in! (PUSSY enters the living room. SHE has her alien-detecto-meter out and makes a quick sweep of the living room. Almost at the same time, DICK enters from the back door in the kitchen.)

DICK

I will! Is everything okay, darling? I thought I heard a strange noise as I was coming through the backdoor.

SUZIE Dick! You startled me!

DICK What, a man can’t enter his own home? Mmm, are you baking something, honey?

SUZIE No.

DICK Funny-it smells as if something was just cooked.

SUZIE You could say that. (DICK is distracted by a noise in the living room)

DICK

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Huh? Are the kids in the living room, dear?

SUZIE The doorbell! (SUZIE hurriedly crosses to the living room, DICK follows, PUSSY is writing busily in a pocket notebook)

DICK Let me handle this honey- I don’t know who you are buster, but you can’t just barge into-

SUZIE Pussy, what are you doing here?

DICK Pussy?!

SUZIE Dick, you remember Pussy- from high school- Missy’s cousin. She’s now an expert in UFOs and has come back to town to investigate the recent sightings here in Pleasure Valley.

DICK Sorry. I didn’t recognize – it’s been a long time.

PUSSY It’s nice to see you again, Dick. Suzie, I was coming to check on you after the party, and I don’t mean to alarm you in any way, but as I approached this neighborhood, my detecto-meter began to vibrate, and my keen scientific sensibilities were aroused. I made a quick sweep of the surrounding area and here in your living room, and this may sound strange- but I have readings that there is indeed some paranormal activity taking place in this vicinity.

DICK What are you saying? That there have been UFOs in my house? Now that’s pure hogwash!

PUSSY I’m saying that there is a possibility that alien life forms have recently made contact within the earth’s atmosphere, and my readings detect compatibility with this immediate geographical area.

SUZIE You mean, right here in Pleasure Valley?

PUSSY These are preliminary readings, and I must conduct more scientific research, but yes, it’s a distinct possibility.

34

DICK

I mean no disrespect, but aliens in Pleasure Valley- it’s nothing short of preposterous. And I would appreciate you not startling my wife with these ridiculous notions. UFOs in Pleasure Valley- I’m going up to bed. Good evening, Pussy, and good luck! Coming honey?

SUZIE In a minute, dear. (Internal monologue moment: each character remains frozen in place, facing the audience and in position several feet from each other. Spotlight on each character only when HE/SHE is “speaking”.)

PUSSY/VOICEOVER I should have expected they would react this way. They can’t possibly understand the enormity of this discovery. And if Suzie wears that perfume again, it will take every fiber of my being to prevent me from ripping her clothes off. UFOs are here! UFOs are here! UFOs are here!

SUZIE/VOICEOVER I don’t know what’s real anymore. Was Reverend Fowler actually here? Was I on a game show? Could I have dreamed that up? I feel so strange. What’s happening to me? Is Dick ever going to go upstairs so I can be alone with Pussy? Did I just say that?

DICK/VOICEOVER

I hope those cookies I hid in my underwear drawer are still there. (Lights and action back to normal, DICK exits to bedroom)

PUSSY I’m sorry if this seems far-fetched, Suzie. But I am concerned for you, for all of Pleasure Valley.

SUZIE I appreciate that, Pussy. But what could possibly happen in Pleasure Valley?

PUSSY I don’t know, but something is, I can sense it. Good night, Suzie.

SUZIE

Good night, Pussy. Thank you for checking up on me. That was considerate of you. (SUZIE squeezes PUSSY’s hand.)

PUSSY

My pleasure. It’s sure going to be nice getting reacquainted. That’s if the alien life forms don’t get here first. Sweet dreams.

35

(PUSSY exits. SUZIE closes the door – beat, then crosses into the kitchen. She places the case on the table in front of her.)

SUZIE I don’t know what this is, but no matter how long it takes, I’m going to figure it out. And then, I will sell it to every resident of Pleasure Valley! (She laughs maniacally. BLACKOUT)

END OF SCENE 7

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SCENE 8 SETTING: Inside Wunderlian spaceship AT RISE: Wunderlian HOST is in “Earthling Product” area, sampling various products HE has seen on TV. HE lights a Longstaff Cigarette, carries it with him. HE opens and smells Pleasure Valley’s Own Brand coffee. HE puts some Cream of Mother Nature on his face and begins to shave with a Ballsy Blade. HE finally reaches for a bottle of Bland-X, takes it down from the shelf.

HOST Yes! The perfect man-made product to give my Abductitrons that sparkling shine! All I have to do is give them a hearty scrub. And make them glow with every rub! (HOST goes to retrieve Abductitron case from area marked “Abductitron: DO NOT REMOVE”. HE goes to the case that is in the area, picks it up.)

HOST What is this? The earthling who is not a ruler must have left this case when she went home with her valuable consolation prize! Too bad for her! This certainly is a dandy case. Why, it looks just like my Abductitron case! (pause) Wait! It looks...just like...MY ABDUCTITRON CASE! (HE glances frantically around.)

HOST The earthling took my case and left hers here! No! My entire fleet of Abductitrons is gone! They are simply the best means of acquiring new earthling subjects. No advanced being should be without one. I must get them back. I must! But how? Suzie Longstaff has gone home and there is no way to get her back! (HE looks at Dupperware case.)

HOST Perhaps her belongings will give me the answer. (HOST goes to case, opens it. Game show music plays as case opens.)

HOST Oohh…smooth. What could this be? (HE pulls out Dupperware container.)

HOST It’s the latest in space age plastics! Melamine – my favorite! Perhaps she is an important person afterall. (HE picks up Dupperware container, pats it.)

37

HOST

And so adorable, too. Tell me, my little plastic friend, how will I retrieve my Abductitron? How will I find the earthling ruler? (HE takes Longstaff cigarettes out of his pocket, removes a cigarette, smells it, looks at the pack. HE is still holding the Dupperware container.)

HOST I’ve got it! Bob! Prepare the traveling show! We’re going on a trip! (HE kisses the Dupperware. Canned applause. LIGHTS DOWN)

END SCENE 8

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SCENE 9

AT RISE: The following evening. Longstaff kitchen. SUZIE is preparing for a new product party. She is setting up her case, putting cups and saucers out, etc. She is humming and her movements are loose, large, dancelike. The door bell rings.

SUZIE Ooh, a whole 15 minutes early. Someone must be as excited as I am. (Calling) Just a second! (SUZIE crosses to the front door and opens it to PUSSY who is holding a bouquet of flowers.)

PUSSY

Good evening, Suzie. I wanted to present you with these as a way of apologizing for last night. I didn’t mean to rub Dick the wrong way.

SUZIE Aren’t you sweet, Pussy. They’re just beautiful. Let’s put them in some water. (PUSSY hands SUZIE the flowers)

PUSSY Ouch!

SUZIE Oh dear. Was it a thorn? Let me see.

PUSSY It’s nothing.

SUZIE Let me see. (SUZIE puts PUSSY’s finger in her mouth)

SUZIE There, much better. But you should rinse it out just to be safe.

PUSSY Yes, uh, right. It’s good to prevent infection. Have I come at a bad time?

SUZIE Don’t be silly. You’ve come just in time to see my – (The doorbell rings, the church ladies all bustle in a cloud of conversation, SUZIE crosses to the kitchen with the flowers, the church ladies are in pursuit, PUSSY follows inspecting her finger.)

39

GLADYS …And Miriam bought twelve of the four-quart containers!

MISS PRIM Twelve! What on earth is she going to do with them all?

GLADYS With all those kids of hers? I should have sold her twenty-four!

MISSY Ladies, hush now- So, Suzie, what’s so important you had to call an emergency sales meeting?

GLADYS Yes, what’s all the fuss about? I barely had time for my 4:00 cocktails, and I had to leave Harold a TV dinner.

PUSSY Suzie, do you have a bandage? I don’t want to bleed on your spotless kitchen floor.

MISS PRIM I have Pleasure Valley Prick-free Brand Adhesive Bandages, the best for keeping cuts and scrapes clean. (MISS PRIM pulls one out of her purse and hands it to PUSSY).

PUSSY Why thank you, Miss Prim.

SUZIE Ladies, please, I’d like to call this meeting to order.

PUSSY

Perhaps I should go –

SUZIE No, stay. I want your opinion on this too!

MISSY Yes, sit! Maybe Dupperware has finally accepted my idea on a weiner keeper!

SUZIE Ladies, nevermind the miracle-,

MISSY, GLADYS, MISS PRIM

-Of Melamine-

SUZIE

40

- the new product I have tonight will change, rather revolutionize the way you function in your home. And it’s as easy as pie to use, in fact, with it, you might make the best pie you’ve ever imagined. And so much more.

MISSY

I don’t think anyone can make a better rhubarb pie than you, Suzie.

MISS PRIM My lemon tart wins a blue ribbon every year at the Church bake sale.

GLADYS That’s because you’re on the committee, dear.

SUZIE Ladies, we’ll all be coming home with blue ribbons, when we use… (SUZIE opens the case and pulls out her new invention, a big dildo attached to a mixer. She holds it up in a spotlight, cheesy commercial music stabs as she displays it to the ladies.)

SUZIE The amazing new Wonder-Do! (Lights back to normal. Everyone oohs and aahs)

MISS PRIM My goodness!

MISSY It looks so – robust!?

PUSSY How intriguing.

GLADYS It looks familiar- are you sure that’s a new product, dear? I think I might have seen something like that in the Sears catalog.

MISS PRIM Well, I’ve never seen anything like it.

SUZIE Ladies, this is a state-of-the-art time saving appliance that will give you a firmer command in your kitchen, and help you create a whole array of delicious finger-licking foods that are out of this world!

PUSSY Perhaps we could see a demonstration, Suzie?

41

MISS PRIM

Yes, dear, how does it work?

GLADYS My glass is empty.

MISSY Let me try it, Suzie!

SUZIE Don’t fret now ladies- I’ve got Wonder-Dos for all of you! (SUZIE pulls out three more Wonder-Dos, as if on a cooking show, out of some hidden compartment)

MISS PRIM Oh what fun! (SUZIE sets up Wonder-Dos at different “stations” on the table, while PUSSY begins to inspect one)

SUZIE

Now everyone, come around the table and grab your Wonder-Do. (MISSY, MISS PRIM, GLADYS all move to the various stations, Each has a Wonder-Do and a mixing bowl in front of them. They all fumble with their Wonder-Dos, PUSSY continues to examine hers. )

SUZIE Now, place the Wonder-Do like so, into the bowl, and turn it on here.

(SUZIE hits a button and there is a humming noise, the other ladies do the same, cheesy commercial music begins to play, There is a commercial spot light moment between SUZIE and each one of the ladies, as Spotlight focuses on SUZIE paired with each, they freeze in different commercial like poses with waxy smiles. The last one is SUZIE with PUSSY in a more compromising position, PUSSY is still intent on Wonder-Do’s mechanics, then lights come back to normal, SUZIE assists the ladies in shutting Wonder-Dos off, as she does so, ladies say lines in rapid succession.)

MISS PRIM Oh my heavens!

GLADYS Is it suppose to vibrate like this?!

MISSY My arm is tingling!

42

MISS PRIM

Oh my heavens!

PUSSY What is its power source?

GLADYS Boy, is this batter ever thick!

MISS PRIM Oh my heavens!

MISSY I feel lightheaded. (On MISSY’s line, all Wonder-dos have been shut off.)

PUSSY Perhaps, I should take you home.

MISSY I feel lightheaded.

PUSSY I’m taking you home.

SUZIE Yes, ladies. That’s enough for tonight. Take your Wonder-Dos home with you and use them! I want a full product report from you all as soon as possible. (The ladies gather their Wonder dos and stumble out the door making strange noises and comments as if intoxicated, except for PUSSY)

PUSSY

I’d like to know more about the Wonder-do.

SUZIE I can tell you all you need to know. Thank you again for the flowers. How is your finger?

PUSSY Fine, thanks to you. See you soon, then?

SUZIE I’m counting on it.

43

(PUSSY exits. SUZIE returns to the table, picks up the Wonder-Do and kisses it. BLACK OUT)

END OF SCENE 9

44

SCENE 10

AT RISE: Sunday morning. DICK and SUZIE are in the Longstaff living room. DICK is reading the paper. SUZIE is folding laundry.

DICK Hands down the best omelet I’ve ever had, muffin.

SUZIE I know.

DICK Now, honey, being boastful is not an attractive quality to keep company.

SUZIE You’re right. I don’t know why I said it.

DICK Aah! There’s nothing like a leisurely Sunday morning! I’ll trim the lawn later and –Sunday! Dear me, we missed church this morning!

SUZIE I completely forgot.

DICK Yes, you did!

SUZIE We could say that Chip came down with something. He has been looking more ashen faced than usual these past few days.

DICK Sure, we couldn’t leave the poor boy unattended. (The doorbell rings)

SUZIE

I wasn’t expecting anyone-

DICK Reverend Fowler?

SUZIE I don’t think we’ll be hearing from him again - (DICK looks confused. SUZIE smiles. DICK crosses to door and opens it. STU enters)

STU

45

Good morning, Dick. Might I have a word with you and Suzie?

DICK Sure. Come on in. Honey, why don’t you get Pleasure Valley’s finest a cup of coffee.

STU That would be swell, thanks. (SUZIE exits to the kitchen)

STU But I’m here on official business.

DICK At work on a Sunday! When do you rest?

STU There are no Sundays on this job. I’ve sworn to uphold the law, and I’ll never release my grip.

DICK Wow!

STU Yes, well, it seems Reverend Fowler has disappeared. (SUZIE enters on the last part of STU’s line, music stabs, she stumbles with the cup of coffee)

DICK What? Disappeared? Are you sure?

STU He didn’t show up for the sunrise service this morning. And no one claims to have seen him since Friday night. Mabel Greenberry saw him out on his nightly walk at around 7:30, and that’s the last eye witness report I have to go on for now. Any chance he popped by here?

DICK I dropped you off at the station somewhere around then, didn’t I?

STU In that ball park. Suzie, anything come to mind?

SUZIE

46

I came home from my Dupperware Sales party soon thereafter, but it was AS QUIET AS A CHURCH MOUSE. (DICK and STU look at SUZIE strangely- SUZIE stares blankly)

DICK (beat) This is a pickle, Stu.

STU Not to worry, the boys in blue will get to the bottom of it.

SUZIE Speaking of which, Stu, could you come into the kitchen for a moment? I’d like to show you something that will make cooking for all those boys in blue so much easier.

STU Well, I’ve only got a moment. Excuse me, Dick.

DICK Don’t mind me, I’ve got a date with the sports page. (SUZIE and STU exit to the kitchen. We see a split stage, SUZIE and STU are animated in SUZIE’S demonstration of the Wonder-Do. DICK reaches under the couch to pull out his Men in Uniform calendar, and FOWLER’s toupee comes out from under the couch with the calendar. Music plays underneath. Physicality and broad movements between two scenes are simultaneous. DICK’s monologue that follows overlaps action described:)

DICK I’ll just get in a bit of light reading myself. Hm. That’s not. What? Wait a minute. This… this is. (DICK drops the toupee with his realization that it belonged to FOWLER, stabbing music sounds while STU thrusts the Wonder-Do)

DICK This can’t be. Nah. It couldn’t be. Nothing, it’s nothing. (DICK quickly pockets the toupee when he hears STU and SUZIE re-enter living room, DICK shoves calendar under couch.)

STU That’s got quite a thrust to it. I could definitely whip up a shepherd’s pie for the boys in no time flat. Thanks for thinking of lil’ old Stu.

SUZIE The pleasure is all mine.

47

(DICK sees the Wonder-Do for the first time)

DICK That’s the Wonder-Do, honey?

STU Isn’t it keen!

SUZIE Oh, he wouldn’t know Stu. I couldn’t get Dick to pull himself away from his paper long enough to try it!

STU That’s a real shame.

DICK Is it? (STU and SUZIE share a knowing look that worries DICK)

STU I hate to steal you away, Dick, but I might need your help down at the station. The town council is putting their thumbs into this Reverend Fowler situation, and I might need you to reassure them. If you don’t mind, Suzie?

DICK Of course.

SUZIE Not at all. Don’t work too hard boys.

STU Don’t worry about us, Suzie. It’s when things get hard that we boys do our best! (STU leads DICK off.)

SUZIE Good-bye. Take care. I’ll bring your lunch down later. (menacingly) It won’t be long now until I’m running this town. (BLACKOUT)

END SCENE 10

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SCENE 11 SETTING: SUZIE and DICK’s living room AT RISE: SUZIE is wearing clothing similar to what she wore in the beginning of the play, but more sinister. SUZIE opens the case, lifts out a Wonder-Do, holds it up.

SUZIE I am a very important person, aren’t I? And soon, everyone in Pleasure Valley will know it! (SHE laughs maniacally. SHE closes the case, places the Wonder-Do on top. Now, with the Wonder-Do as her “audience”, SHE practices a speech for the LADIES.)

SUZIE Now Ladies, I know you must have had quite an eye-opening experience the other night with your Wonder-Dos. Since I’m sure you’re all hooked – No- Since you all must be overcome with – No- Since I’m sure you all believe in the power of the Wonder-Do, I’d like to propose a little plan that – (SHE stops speaking as SHE hears a buzzing noise getting louder and closer. Then, there is banging at the door PUSSY’s voice is heard.)

PUSSY Suzie? Are you home? (SUZIE lets PUSSY in. PUSSY’s detecto-meter is buzzing uncontrollably.)

SUZIE Where else would I be, Pussy?

PUSSY Can you explain this?

SUZIE What a dreadful noise! Is it broken? (PUSSY turns it off)

SUZIE Heavens, Pussy, don’t you know how to control your own equipment?

PUSSY

What? I mean, no. You don’t understand. Of course you don’t. Suzie, my detector has been reporting activity at an advanced rate ever since it came in contact with the Wonder-

49

do. And today, the amount of vibrational sensitivity has almost moved beyond the capacity of my scientific equipment. And, as I suspected, there are high concentrations of increased kinetic activity in this interior area, so I simply had to –

SUZIE As you suspected? What do you mean?

PUSSY These… Wonder-Do’s show high traces of… Perhaps you’d better sit down. Remember, when I told you about UFOs?

SUZIE (laughs) Oh you can’t be serious! Wonder-Do’s can’t fly!

PUSSY No, I mean – where did you say you got the Wonder-Do? Who made them? (SUZIE gets closer and closer to PUSSY with each question before PUSSY can answer)

SUZIE

Is that what you really came over here to find out? Why you came over here the other night? Why you’re here now for some kind of science experiment? Why, after fifteen years, you’ve finally come back to Pleasure Valley, just as I… I…

PUSSY Suzie?

SUZIE Tell me more about this vibrational sensitivity - (SUZIE kisses PUSSY long and hard.)

SUZIE Mmmm. I’ve been waiting to do that ever since I got my hands on that first Wonder-Do.

PUSSY I’ve been waiting to do that ever since I first saw you change in the high school locker room. (SUZIE and PUSSY move in to kiss again, but the LADIES burst in. SUZIE and PUSSY part quickly)

MISS PRIM

That doesn’t beat my story by a long shot! When I tell you -

GLADYS You weren’t listening then -

50

MISSY I feel like I’m just glowing! Do I look like I’m glowing?

SUZIE Well good afternoon ladies. You seem very excited on this fine Sunday afternoon.

MISS PRIM/ GLADYS/ MISSY Hello Suzie! Hi Pussy!

PUSSY Hi –

SUZIE Yes. Right on schedule. I trust you all did your homework?

GLADYS As instructed, we each fully tested our new product and have a complete report for you on its qualities.

MISS PRIM Yes! We all worked very hard!

MISSY And then some! (THEY giggle.)

GLADYS/ MISS PRIM/ MISSY Let me tell you what happened!

MISSY I’ll go first!

MISS PRIM No, I’m the oldest. I’ll go first. (LADIES continue to argue)

PUSSY Perhaps I should leave -

SUZIE (to PUSSY) Stay, please. I want you… here. (GLADYS whistles. SUZIE pulls PUSSY behind the couch as the LADIES seat themselves on the couch. During the following dialogue, SUZIE and PUSSY occasionally hide behind the couch to kiss, etc. Broad physical comedy happening

51

behind the couch, unbeknownst to the LADIES. Whenever SUZIE or PUSSY say a line, SHE raises her head out from behind the couch)

GLADYS I will go first. Dear, I simply must tell you how amazing I feel since your little Wonder-Do introduction the other night! I’ve never felt better in all my life, and I have you and that wonderful Wonder-Do to thank.

SUZIE I’m so happy to hear it.

GLADYS I tell you, I tinkered with that gadget for so long that I plum forgot all about the rum balls I had soaking in the refrigerator. When I finally remembered them, they were so saturated, even I couldn’t eat one. And, I didn’t even miss them. I tell you, that Wonder-Do is a miracle. I don’t think I’ll ever make another rum ball again.

SUZIE That’s super!

GLADYS

And that’s not all! When Harold came into the kitchen to see what I was doing -

MISS PRIM That’s enough! My turn! Sorry Gladys, but I just have to talk to someone or I’ll burst!

PUSSY

You don’t say!

GLADYS Do tell, Miss Prim.

MISS PRIM Well, I got home, and I just couldn’t keep myself away from my new Wonder-Do. But I didn’t want to keep it all to myself either. So I called my good friend Edith. You remember Edith, don’t you Gladys?

GLADYS

The one with the teeth?

MISS PRIM Yes, well, not anymore, but yes, you have the right person. Anyway, she came right over when I told her I had something important to show her. We sat down on that new lace-covered sofa of mine and started fiddling around with the Wonder-Do. Before I knew it, it was 3:00 am, and the fiddling kept right on til dawn. We practiced our choir songs while we used the Wonder-Do, and I swear neither of us has ever sung so beautifully!

52

(MISS PRIM opens her mouth to sing and MISSY claps her hand over MISS PRIM’s mouth.)

SUZIE That’s terrific!

MISSY Okay, now me! At first, I was just staying up a little late to practice with my new Wonder-Do. My hands had stopped feeling so light and numb, and I felt like I had a little more control over how I maneuvered myself. Before long, I had my technique perfected, and I showed my husband how to use it, too. Well, to make a long story short (and short, it certainly wasn’t), we let the Wonder-Do be our guide. And when we were done, we were still so elated, we just had to do something. So we, we….

ALL Yes?

MISSY We re-arranged the furniture at 2:00 this morning! (ALL gasp. Perhaps a more emphatic gasp comes from behind the couch)

MISS PRIM You mean, your living room looks different now?

GLADYS It goes against the Pleasure Valley Living Room Blue Print and Furniture Guide?

MISSY Yes!

PUSSY Great!

GLADYS Which wall do you see when you sit on the couch now?

MISSY I don’t look at just a wall, Gladys, I’ve hung a painting on the north wall of the living room! (ALL clap wildly.)

MISS PRIM And what about you two? How was your Wonder-Do testing?

PUSSY It was just fine. I. Really enjoyed it. Every minute. From a slightly different perspective.

53

MISSY

Oh! I’m sure you did! It’s wonderful, isn’t it Suzie?

SUZIE Why yes, it certainly is.

MISSY I can’t wait to hear what’s next!

MISS PRIM Of course you can’t dear.

GLADYS Tell us, Suzie. Suzie? (SUZIE and PUSSY recuperate. SUZIE gets her game face on.)

SUZIE Yes, ladies, right. Now the real work begins.

PUSSY Please excuse me. I must leave… there are some probing matters I must attend to – (PUSSY exits. SUZIE sighs)

SUZIE Well ladies, since you’re all here and so enthusiastic about our new product, I -

MISSY That’s not all!

MISS PRIM We have a little surprise for you Suzie. A little something we worked on yesterday when church was cancelled.

GLADYS On three ladies, one two, three - (The three LADIES form a line and perform the following pep jingle with large, overt gestures.)

MISSY / MISS PRIM / GLADYS

The Wonder-Do, it may look funny, But when it’s on you’ll feel so sunny. If you’re blue, set the dial fast And you’ll receive a happy blast. Be it day, or be it night, Grip it hard and hold on tight. Try it once and you’ll know why You must have a Wonder-Do - Buy! Buy! Buy!

54

(On final line, each LADY jumps into a final pose with HER Wonder-Do on her respective “buy!”. SUZIE claps wildly.)

SUZIE Thank you ladies! Thank you very much! I’m so proud to see you taking this new venture to heart. And now that I know you all believe in the power of the Wonder-Do, I’d like to propose a little plan – (BLACK OUT)

END SCENE 11

55

SCENE 12 SETTING: Present. In police station, stage left. AT RISE: Lights up on DICK and STU. DICK is in his present, panicked state.

DICK It all must’ve started with Fowler. In our own home – our home.

STU Come on now, you can’t possibly expect me to believe that Suzie –

DICK There’s more, Stu, God help us! I wouldn’t have thought it possible myself, but for – for that night –

STU Which night? What night? You’re not making any sense!

DICK None of this does! But I’ll tell you. I have to. What I’m about to tell you Stu – it could destroy you. But it’s the only way to make you understand – how I know that Suzie – my own sweet loving wife – my high school sweetheart – the perfect homemaker -

STU Say it man – what was it? What was this terrible discovery?

DICK Pudding.

STU I’m sorry?

DICK Just listen to me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to say it again - (As DICK retells the story, HE enters his memory – like a re-enactment. HE crosses to the kitchen. STU follows)

DICK It was late at night. Maybe ten past eight. Suzie wasn’t home, but she left a note. “Out selling Wonder-Do’s! There’s pudding in the icebox.” You know how I like pudding.

STU Everyone does.

DICK Anyway, so I went to get a spoon.

56

(DICK turns to the orb of spoons)

DICK And that’s when I saw it. This strange silver object holding almost forty spoons. I thought it was some new kitchen gadget that Suzie had bought. You know I honestly can’t keep up with every little gadget –

STU Oh yes, that’s clear.

DICK But there was something about this thing – that – well – there’s only one way to put it. I don’t think it was made in America.

STU No!

DICK But that’s not the point. I pulled a spoon out – you know – for the pudding.

STU Go on.

DICK And that’s when it happened! This strange silver orb began to glow – like a – like a TV set, and suddenly I could see her! (SUZIE and the LADIES appear in a garish light with their Wonder-Do cases. SUZIE and LADIES act out DICK’s narration)

DICK Somehow – I knew that what I was looking at was real – like some demented crystal ball, and I could see Suzie and those sweet ladies who help her going door-to-door. They were moving with such – such determination, selling those Wonder-Dos to every neighbor. It all looked so wonderfully professional – with their smart outfits, smooth product presentation, gracious manners and firm yet lady-like handshakes. People seemed happy to take the Wonder-Do.

STU What’s the problem? Everything sounds ok to me.

DICK

And I thought so too. In fact, despite my suspicion that I was holding some foreign made product, I couldn’t help feeling a surge of pride as I watched Suzie work. Why she’s almost as good at sales as any man I’ve hired.

57

STU As good as a man?

DICK And that’s when I saw it. Some gentle neighbor – hard to tell who – the image was getting fuzzy, but I could tell – she didn’t want the Wonder-Do. No thank you. But Suzie wouldn’t take no for an answer. Good girl, I thought, keep selling! But she wouldn’t budge. No. No. No to the Wonder-Do. Suzie looked so – so –

STU Sad? Disappointed? What?

DICK There was a gleam in her eyes that I’d never seen before, and then she and the ladies held their Wonder-Do’s up – aiming them – aiming then firing – an explosion of light burst out, and then! (DICK drops the orb of spoons as if it has burned him)

DICK Gone! Disappeared! Incinerated! Destroyed! My world – crushing down on me! How could Suzie do this? But I saw her with my own two eyes!

STU But Dick – how can you think that what you saw was really real?

DICK I have this! (DICK holds up toupee)

DICK I found this! Fowler’s… It’s his! It was under the couch where I usually keep… that’s not important. Don’t you understand? You have to stop her! Stop her before she strikes again! (BLACKOUT)

END SCENE 12

END ACT I ACT II

SCENE 1

SETTING: In the present. The Pleasure Valley Police Station.

58

AT RISE: DICK is sitting at the table, looking as disheveled as always. STU stands behind him.

STU Is that everything?

DICK My God! Isn’t that enough?!

STU Why, Dick, that could be anything. A large hairball, a torn piece from a fur coat, or some bit of the material from your couch. Besides, how on earth would Suzie do that to Reverend Fowler? Maybe – if I could see this… orb…

DICK I can’t go back. After I dropped that thing, I had to get out of there. I had to warn everybody. She’ll kill me too if she knows I know. I could see it in her eyes! She’s going to destroy Pleasure Valley! (DICK pulls out his spoon)

DICK But I’ve got her spoon! Her spoon!

STU (pause) Yes. I see that. That’s good. Hm. Let me show you something, Dick. Turn around. (STU pulls out a board with the locations of the missing people tacked on the town map of Pleasure Valley. The arrangement of tacks is in the shape of the Wonder-do)

DICK Is that…?

STU A map of where the missing people were last seen? Yes. And it seems to be a pattern, but of what? What?

DICK I never should have let her work outside of the house! Why, Suzie, why!

STU

You really think Suzie is capable of all this, Dick? I mean, we’re talking about Suzie here. The woman makes the most heavenly pecan and fudge brownies.

DICK I know. It doesn’t seem possible.

59

STU No. It doesn’t. You can see why I’ve kept you here now, can’t you?

DICK What, Stu, you mean, you still don’t believe me? You’ve got to believe me!

STU Dick, if I did, what would that mean? That your sweet wife is capable of an evil that no man can imagine because of something. Something that may or may not have happened to her because of what? You don’t even know. I’d believe creatures from outer space have come down here to picnic before I believe all that. (There is a knock at the station door.)

STU Now, who could that be? I sent all the deputies out on patrol.

DICK Don’t answer that door –

STU Who’s there?

HOST (from offstage) A lifeform not unlike yourself, certainly! (HOST enters)

STU Well, hello… sir? What can I do for you?

HOST Greetings gentlemen! I am here from –

DICK Thank God! You called the National Guard!

STU Who, me?

DICK I know a man in uniform when I see one, even if – I thought the National Guard wore green for some reason…

HOST Yes! Interesting! I am indeed here from a… higher place.

STU

60

You mean, the government?

DICK Even better! You’ve got to help us man! There’s an evil menace afoot in this town, and no one will listen to me.

HOST Really? Then perhaps you can help us.

DICK I’ll do everything I can.

HOST Excellent!

STU What can I do?

DICK Show him, Stu. Show him your Wonder-Do! (STU pulls out his Wonder-Do)

HOST Why, that’s our abduct…t, t, that’s different!

STU It’s just a handy kitchen tool. As I’ve been telling Dick. Everyone has one. Well, practically everyone. Makes lemon bars a snap!

HOST I see. Lemon bars. (aside, but clearly heard by DICK and STU) Greatest invention ever made by the Wunderlians and they use it for some sort of citrus concoction? The fools!

DICK

Excuse me?

STU Now hold on there. What was that?

HOST

It looks like we’re going to have to go in to a speed round, gentlemen! One moment while we pause for station identification. (HOST takes the Wonder-do and begins making adjustments)

DICK

61

Stu?

STU Can I see your badge? Just what department are you from? (HOST aims Wonder-do at STU and DICK)

HOST Are you ready to play?

DICK What are you talking about?

HOST Thanks for tuning in! Have you used the Wonder-do?

DICK No.

STU Yes.

HOST Then our first contestant is up. Thanks to Wonder-do technology, there’s a little bit of Wunderlian radiation in your system, officer. You are now subject to Wunderlian mind control.

DICK Wunderlian what? (STU goes into zombie-phase)

HOST

We’re happy to have you as part of the team. Please help contestant number two to his seat. (STU approaches DICK, wrestles him into a chair)

DICK Stu – what – what’s come over you? – Stu!

HOST

Now, Dick, may I call you Dick, of course I can! Thanks for coming down here today!

DICK You’re not the National Guard, are you?

62

HOST Exactly! Enough about me. Let’s find out what you know!

DICK I’m not telling you anything, you, you, strange man in a uniform!

HOST Officer, please persuade Dick to cooperate! (STU moves in menacingly at DICK then suddenly begins to give DICK a very nice shoulder massage)

DICK This won’t make me talk! You – oh, wow – make him stop. Stu! Little more on the left. You can’t make me tell you anything.

HOST Not even about this? (HOST approaches DICK with the Wonder-do pointed at him)

DICK Get that thing away from me! I wouldn’t use it for Suzie, and I won’t use it for you.

HOST Yes, the female life form known as Suzie, where is she?

DICK I don’t know!

HOST

If you’re going to win, Dick, we need answers! Officer.

DICK Get a hold of yourself Stu! You have to! It’s me! (STU pulls out his handcuffs, but there is some hesitation as if he’s attempting to break free from the mind control)

HOST He has no choice! It will take more than that to free his mind!

DICK

More?

HOST

63

Now, Dick, before we move into the final round, all we really need to know is – where does Suzie keep her case? The case is all we need. It’s the only thing that matters to us –

DICK Her case? Stu – fight it, fight him – (STU begins to handcuff DICK, DICK struggles against STU, they wrestle)

DICK You don’t want to do this!

HOST Tell us where our case is!

DICK Leave us alone!

HOST Officer, take us to the final round! (A game show sound cue flourishes, but DICK manages to evade STU. DICK manages to get the handcuffs from STU during the following dialogue)

DICK Snap out of it!

HOST The clock is winding down.

DICK I know – free your mind – something big –

HOST This is really a simple request –

DICK I’m doing this for your mind. (DICK grabs STU and kisses him while handcuffing him. STU stumbles back. HOST tries to stop DICK. DICK breaks the Wonder-Do as he exits)

STU

Golly.

HOST Pursue him! (STU doesn’t move)

64

STU

Jeepers.

HOST I am so tired of this planet. (BLACKOUT)

END OF SCENE 1

65

SCENE 2 SETTING: SUZIE’s home. AT RISE: PUSSY knocks on the back door and opens it. SHE enters the empty kitchen with her alien-detecto-meter. PUSSY does not realize that SUZIE is standing in the shadows, watching her.

PUSSY Hello? Hello? That’s odd. It’s practically noon and all the lights are off. Doesn’t seem right. Hm. What’s this? (PUSSY discovers the orb of spoons. Runs the detect-o-meter over it)

PUSSY Strange. Very strange. I’ve never seen anything like this before. That can’t be right. The readings are the same for the Wonder-Do. What has Suzie gotten herself into? (SUZIE turns lights on)

PUSSY Suzie! I didn’t hear you – I wasn’t sure if anyone was home – I, I…

SUZIE Well hello Pussy.

PUSSY Um – I’m – I let myself in –

SUZIE Don’t fret, Pussy, what’s mine is yours. Please, feel free to fondle everything in here with that wand of yours –

PUSSY Suzie, we have to talk.

SUZIE Yes.

PUSSY About these things that are happening -

SUZIE They are so – unexpected.

PUSSY And more than that -

66

SUZIE I know.

PUSSY You do?

SUZIE I thought you would come back yesterday after the ladies left – to pick up where we left off…

PUSSY Oh that, yes. We should talk about that, but I, I mean, I was talking about the Wonder-Do -

SUZIE (flustered) Oh yes, of course, I knew that. The Wonder-Do.

PUSSY There’s just so much going on here, and I’m determined to get to the bottom of this Wonder-Do mystery. The findings I’ve collected clearly indicate -

SUZIE I shouldn’t have kissed you.

PUSSY What? No, not that - (While SUZIE distracts PUSSY from her Wonder-Do investigation, SUZIE attempts to sabotage the detect-o-meter)

SUZIE

I’m sorry. I’m terrible, aren’t I? Simply a terrible friend – I just so wanted to. I’ve always - Is that so wrong?

PUSSY No, it’s not wrong. Not at all.

SUZIE Then, you aren’t angry with me?

PUSSY Oh Suzie, you’re just so innocent in all this. I don’t want you to think that. I could never be angry at you.

SUZIE Even though, all this time, I’ve been with Dick, and I’ve been thinking of you –

67

PUSSY Have you?

SUZIE I couldn’t stop myself –

PUSSY No, I couldn’t either –

SUZIE Then what’s stopping you now? (PUSSY takes SUZIE in to her arms; they are about to kiss when MISSY, GLADYS and MISS PRIM enter through the backdoor, a flurry of activity, with Wonder-Do cases and wearing special matching Wonder-Do lady uniforms)

GLADYS Now girls!

MISS PRIM Really, Gladys!

MISSY Seventeen orders in fifteen minutes, it’s a record!

GLADYS Would’ve been eighteen if we hadn’t needed to zap–

SUZIE Ladies!

MISSY/GLADYS/MISS PRIM Suzie! Pussy!

PUSSY Hello everyone.

SUZIE Sounds like a successful bit of sales this morning.

MISSY Oh yes, we were just passing by and thought we would freshen up before covering the next two blocks.

MISS PRIM I can’t believe how easy these are to sell!

PUSSY

68

Have you been selling them non-stop? Really?

GLADYS/ MISS PRIM/ MISSY We had to. / We couldn’t stop. / Every home must have one. (PUSSY attempts to wave her alien-detecto-meter near the Wonder-Do case but is blocked by SUZIE. The detecto-meter makes a weak ping sound)

PUSSY Funny.

SUZIE What is it?

PUSSY My detect-o-meter doesn’t seem to be working.

SUZIE Really? How unfortunate!

PUSSY (To MISS PRIM) May I see your case? (MISS PRIM hesitates to offer PUSSY her case, looks to SUZIE)

MISS PRIM I would, dear, but mine’s a mess. I couldn’t bear the embarrassment!

PUSSY Anyone’s would do. Missy?

SUZIE Look at the time, you ladies must be famished. I made a tray-full of cucumber salad sandwiches for you. Pussy, would you be a dear, and make some coffee?

GLADYS Coffee would be lovely!

MISSY/MISS PRIM Oh yes, please./Yes.

PUSSY Sure, I’ll be right back.

SUZIE

The tray of sandwiches is in the refrigerator; could you bring those out when you get a chance?

69

PUSSY Of course.

GLADYS/MISS PRIM/MISSY She’s such a dear/Very helpful around the house/So polite! (PUSSY crosses to the kitchen. LADIES quickly huddle up)

GLADYS We didn’t realize you had company –

MISS PRIM Are you sure she doesn’t suspect anything?

MISSY She seems to be up to something.

SUZIE Stay calm, ladies.

MISSY I don’t understand. Hasn’t she used her Wonder-do?

SUZIE She says she has. At least, she says she’s done something with it. I’m not quite sure.

GLADYS Well I’m sure that she doesn’t seem completely sold on the product. And if we can’t sell her, ladies, then you know –

MISS PRIM What we must do.

MISSY It’s the only way. (MISSY, MISS PRIM, GLADYS begin to charge up their respective Wonder-Dos)

SUZIE No! Wait. Let me deal with her. I can take care of Pussy.

MISS PRIM Do you really think you –

SUZIE

I can.

GLADYS

70

Of course you can, dear.

MISSY If you say it, Suzie, then it must be so. (MISSY, MISS PRIM, GLADYS uncharge their Wonder-Dos. PUSSY enters with a tray of sandwiches)

PUSSY The coffee is brewing, ladies. I found the sandwiches. (PUSSY presents the sandwiches to the ladies)

SUZIE Made with Pleasure Valley’s own Hottbuns’ quality flour for that oven-fresh taste!

MISSY/GLADYS/MISS PRIM Oh lovely!/How nice!/Suzie you really do think of everything!

PUSSY She does, doesn’t she?

MISSY The perfect hostess.

GLADYS The perfect saleswoman –

SUZIE Don’t make me blush, ladies.

MISS PRIM

The perfect world leader –

PUSSY Excuse me?

SUZIE Oh ladies, please! (SUZIE laughs forcefully. As if on cue, MISS PRIM, MISSY, GLADYS laugh and sigh)

SUZIE They are so excitable on an empty stomach. They will practically say anything!

MISSY/MISS PRIM/GLADYS That’s true!/Indeed!/World leader, as if we need one of those!

71

PUSSY

I guess –

SUZIE Let me help you bring out the coffee.

PUSSY Oh, okay. I don’t think it’s ready.

SUZIE Oh, that new percolator of mine. It’s a Longstaff original you know. Engineered in our very own Pleasure Valley factory. (SUZIE ushers PUSSY to the kitchen, indicates that the LADIES should leave. The LADIES start to take their exit, have trouble with the locked door, unlock it and exit during SUZIE and PUSSY’s dialogue)

PUSSY Suzie, is it just me, or do the ladies seem different? More – intent, almost, uncharacteristically so –

SUZIE You should see them at the annual Church bazaar. Oh Pussy, you do make a science out of nothing, don’t you! Nevermind them, they are just wrapped up in the excitement of making a successful sale!

PUSSY They do like to sell things, don’t they?

SUZIE (ominously) It’s in their blood. (bright) So to speak.

PUSSY They do worship you.

SUZIE (ominously, to the audience) As well they should –

PUSSY What was that?

SUZIE

What a funny thing to say! Worship. Who would worship me? (under her breath) One day, everyone will.

PUSSY

72

I didn’t know how to say this before, Suzie –

SUZIE What is it?

PUSSY I was afraid that you wouldn’t want to hear it, but I think, if what you said, before, is true, then I think I can.

SUZIE Go on, please, Pussy.

PUSSY The truth is, I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I left Pleasure Valley. I never could. When I decided to come back here, there was my research, yes, but I hoped, I wanted to see you. But I never thought this –

SUZIE This? (SUZIE kisses PUSSY)

PUSSY That. Would happen.

SUZIE What else did you not think about? (BLACKOUT)

END OF SCENE 2

73

SCENE 3

AT RISE: In the Longstaff kitchen. Lights up on SUZIE and PUSSY, on top of the kitchen table. PUSSY is lying on her back, underneath SUZIE, who is straddling PUSSY. The back of PUSSY’s head faces the aud- ience. SUZIE is holding a Wonder-Do in the air over her head. DICK rushes in.

DICK

Dear God! Suzie, NO!

SUZIE Dick! You’re home early.

DICK

Suzie, put that thing down, what are you doing?!

SUZIE Now don’t get all excited, dear. I was just helping Pussy with some research- scientific research, you remember, with the UFO’s and whatever- (SUZIE puts down the Wonder-do and dismounts PUSSY and stands by the table. PUSSY gets up and adjusts her clothing.)

DICK Oh, you.

PUSSY Good afternoon, Dick. Yes, Suzie was assisting me in an experiment, uh - a horizontal spinal reverberation which simulates a unique form of alien communication.

DICK I see. (SUZIE begins buzzing around the kitchen as she speaks.)

SUZIE Goodness me, look at the time. Why Chip and Laura will be home for dinner any minute. I’d better get to work! Why don’t you set the table- for five.

PUSSY Oh, I’ve already eaten.

DICK No, please, stay and keep Suzie busy. I mean- it’s always nice to have company. (DICK looks around the for the Wonder Do case)

74

SUZIE

Are you all right, Dick? You seem a bit excited.

DICK I’m fine- absolutely fine! Nothing wrong whatsoever with me. Never felt better.

PUSSY Would you care to sit down, Dick?

DICK I’m dandy. Busy day at the office, that’s all. We finally got those swell A-bombs in, and I have to oversee, um, work, blah, blah, work, mumble. But nevermind me, how was your day? Looks like Pussy’s another one of your satisfied customers? (SUZIE and PUSSY freeze)

DICK You bought a Wonder-Do, didn’t you Pussy? Why everyone in town seems to be going crazy for them. In a good way, of course, I mean, nothing wrong with a Wonder-Do.

SUZIE Oh, yes, Pussy was my first customer. (DICK spots a Wonder-Do case)

DICK Ah-ha!

SUZIE What are you doing, Dick?

DICK What am I doing? What am I doing? I tell you what I’m doing! I’m taking this Wonder-Do case, that’s what I’m doing! (DICK lunges for the case. SUZIE and PUSSY watch him, puzzled.)

DICK And you can’t stop me.

SUZIE Okay, dear.

PUSSY He seems a bit out of sorts, Suzie.

DICK

75

Out of sorts?! Well I know everything. Everything! And I know what this is! And I am taking it with me! You lose! You lose! (SUZIE pulls out her original Wonder-Do case from under the sink)

SUZIE I think you mean this case, dear.

DICK What? No! (SUZIE crosses to DICK as she says this line. When She gets to him, her tone becomes more menacing, but PUSSY does not hear.)

SUZIE Now, I think Pussy’s right. I think you should go upstairs and lie down for a while. Something has upset you, poor dear. (to DICK) You poor, poor, dear.

DICK Oh God- (There’s a strange rhythmic alien like knock on the back door and before anyone can answer it, the Alien HOST enters with a crescendo of game show music)

SUZIE Not again! (HOST places a metal strainer on SUZIE’s head)

DICK You-you-you-

HOST “U” – the 21st letter in the American earthling English alphabet, more specifically recognized as one of the five vowels. (There’s a ding sound to signal a correct answer- the HOST seems pleased with himself. DICK attempts to rush the HOST, but HOST places metal strainer on his head)

PUSSY

Greetings extraterrestrial- I believe and please correct me if I’m mistaken- you are from quadrant four to the exponential power of Pi from the distant galaxy of cunnili- (HOST cuts PUSSY off and places strainer on her head)

HOST

Enough chit chat. It’s time to welcome all you lovely viewers to “I’ve Got a Secret!” The game show where all will be revealed and then we can go bye bye.

76

(canned applause. As HOST goes through the introductions, he positions DICK, PUSSY, and SUZIE where he wants them for the game)

HOST “I’ve Got A Secret!” is brought to you by the amazing pleasure pleaser- The Wonder-Do! Whether the lights are on or off, do what you do, with the Wonder-Do! Please welcome contestant number one, our favorite abductee and Pleasure Valley’s perfectly perky feminine life form- Suzie Longstaff! (Applause)

HOST And contestant number two- he’s Pleasure Valley’s favorite son and when he’s not jeopardizing the health and safety of all of Pleasure Valley’s citizens by constructing weapons of mass destruction, he’s going downtown in the back of a tinny vehicular transport with Deputy Sheriff Stu Staunch. Please welcome Dick Longstaff! (Applause)

DICK Huh? What’s for dinner?

HOST

Hold on Dick! We’ll get to the questions in a moment! Now for contestant number three- you may remember her from a previous episode. She’s the one who led us to Pleasure Valley after we briefly abducted her outside the metropolitan hotspot- Morningwood Heights a few earth planet weeks ago- Oops, did I just tell a secret! Please give a big welcome back to Pussy Whetmore! (Applause)

HOST Welcome to the show, Pussy!

PUSSY Show? Show- and tell? Well today for show and tell I brought my Daddy’s favorite work boots-

HOST Whoa! Earth to Pussy! Earth to Pussy! What am I saying? Ha! Ha! Okay listen up metallic lid-headed earthlings, a quick review of the rules. I will ask each of you to reveal a secret until we get to the one that tells me where my confounded missing case is- uh, that awards you a fabulous prize- which is- Bob?

77

BOB/VOICEOVER Well, each contestant could win a gigantic hydraulic pulsating anal probe! Just kidding, that’s a different alien species! You lucky winners could take home a year’s supply of Chubb’s chewing gum in refreshing spearmint!

HOST Spearmint- Yum! Alrighty- everyone ready?

PUSSY Gum.

HOST Good enough! Let’s just increase the level on the Inner Secret Activator and here we go- Tell me a juicy little secret -NOW! (HOST punches a button on his Space suit/belt- different color spotlights flash randomly over each contestant- then single spotlights set over DICK, PUSSY, and SUZIE. There should be sound cues interspersed with answers.)

PUSSY I was briefly in a sorority.

DICK

I eat between meals.

SUZIE Dick’s last birthday cake was store-bought.

PUSSY I have a tattoo of an extraterrestrial ex-girlfriend’s name on my upper thigh.

DICK I get aroused when I mow the lawn.

SUZIE

I will stop at nothing to sell Wonder-Dos.

PUSSY / DICK I once kissed a man.

HOST A little higher- (HOST increases power)

SUZIE I am in love with Puss—Power!

78

PUSSY

I have been in love with Suzie since I met her in Mrs. Spleen’s English class in the tenth grade. And when I was eight years old I used to throw Good n Plenty’s at strangers in the movie theater.

DICK I have an Elvis record, I- I- I am in love with Stu Staunch and have a pair of his old swim trunks in the closet.

SUZIE I want to take over the world and have a store with my name on it on every corner of every street of the world! And no one will stop me and I will use this to get me there! (SUZIE knocks off the metal colander from her head and holds up the Wonder-Do case. The lights flash- DICK knocks off his colander too, and grabs the case from SUZIE. Music stabs. )

DICK No Suzie! I can’t let you do this, not to me, not to my town!

SUZIE You will not ruin my plan!

DICK You’ll have to catch me first!

SUZIE Run all you want! My sales team will find you if it’s the last thing they do!

(DICK exits with case, SUZIE chases after him, PUSSY takes the colander off her head)

HOST

Well, I guess you get the Chubbs, Pussy.

PUSSY I must go after her- she’s not herself.

HOST Yes, we must get that case back, it belongs to the Wunderlians, and in the hands of humans, it can only do great harm, besides it goes better with my outfit. Pussy, you may be our only hope! Only you will have influence over Suzie. It is your love for her that could save us all. I may have stolen that line from an episode of Lassie! But you’ll probably need a little extra help… And I have just the secret weapon to do it! Come with me! (Music stabs. BLACKOUT)

79

END OF SCENE 3

80

SCENE 4 SETTING: The beach. AT RISE: DICK runs on, holding the case close to his body. HE looks desperately for a place to hide. HE flinches at the sound of seagulls above him. HE hears someone approaching, prepares to hit whoever it is with the case. STU enters.

STU Dick? Dick, is that you? (DICK backs away from STU, keeps his guard up)

DICK Stu?

STU The one and only! You almost ran right into my patrol car. Didn’t you see me?

DICK I’ve got to hide, Stu. They’re after me –

STU Right. Them again. Look, good ol’ Stu is here now, and I’ll take care of everything. Why don’t you give me the case, and I –

DICK What? No! Why do you want my case?

STU I just thought, you might be tired of carrying it or – look it doesn’t matter. Let’s get back over to my car, and I’ll take you back to the station.

DICK No! They’ll know to find me there –

STU I’m sure Suzie would like to know that you are safe –

DICK You don’t know, Stu. You haven’t seen what I’ve seen. You – There is more to this terrible tale than even I could have suspected. I can’t believe there are aliens in Pleasure Valley!

STU Aliens!

DICK

81

Don’t you remember? Men from outerspace! And they are after me too. Suzie, Pussy, those quiet once sweet, once innocent church ladies – they are all after me.

STU You’re talking like a mad-man, Dick. Really. What do you plan on doing? Where do you plan on hiding?

DICK I just have to get rid of this!

STU Your briefcase?

DICK It’s not mine! Can’t you tell! This briefcase is from outerspace!

STU Um. Ok. I never really did learn how to speak crazy, but I’m going to try. Bear with me, now. Men from moon, not here! Not hurt Dick. Dick is cuckoo. Dick come with Stu now? (STU lunges for DICK; DICK drops the case. The two tackle each other on the ground. SUZIE enters with MISSY, MISS PRIM, and GLADYS soon behind her)

SUZIE Well, well, well. How times haven’t changed. Boys will be boys, I suppose. (DICK and STU break apart. DICK cowers from SUZIE)

DICK Stay away from me you evil fiend! (STU approaches SUZIE as DICK attempts to crawl over and retrieve the case)

STU Hello, Suzie. This isn’t what it looks like really. I was just trying to calm Dick down. He seems to be quite agitated.

DICK Stu – don’t! (SUZIE pats STU on his cheek)

SUZIE Why, Stu, you’re all flushed. (SUZIE holds STU’s face in her hands. MISSY takes the case as DICK flounders whether to help STU or get the case)

82

DICK

Get away from him, you, you, creature that looks like my wife! (DICK pulls STU away. The ladies laugh)

SUZIE Oh, I am still your wife, Dick. Even if you don’t believe it. It’s true. (MISSY offers the case to SUZIE)

SUZIE Oh, be a dear, and make sure everything is in order; won’t you, ladies? (The ladies examine the contents of the case. DICK struggles to keep STU behind him)

STU Dick, you’re holding me too tight.

DICK You won’t find what you’re looking for in there.

GLADYS Everything is here.

DICK What?

MISS PRIM Just as you premeditated, my leader.

MISSY Perfectly perfect, oh great one!

SUZIE You were saying?

DICK But I, I threw, Wonder-Dos everywhere, throwing them, and dumping them, there can’t be – (SUZIE laughs maniacally)

STU Did she always cackle like that?

SUZIE

83

Oh, don’t be a fool, Dick. Did you really think all the wonder-do’s in that case would be visible to you? Did you even check the extra compartment at the bottom? Haste makes waste! Thanks to you, my cause has only been helped. Now, people are finding Wonder-Do’s on their front porch. In their backyard. In their dog’s water dish. People I hadn’t even gotten to yet. You have proven to be my best saleswoman. (The ladies gasp with disappointment)

DICK No!

SUZIE Too bad you didn’t keep any receipts!

GLADYS Right, no gold star for you, Dicky-boy.

STU Mrs. Kravitz! Really, such language.

MISS PRIM Oh stuff it, copper. Why don’t you make yourself useful and take Longstaff here on a long walk off a short pier!

MISSY Yeah!

STU Ladies, really! (to Dick) What was that you were saying before about people changing?

DICK It’s too late now for you to start believing me!

SUZIE That’s right. Too late indeed. Ladies, let’s show these two what we do with a disgruntled customer. (The ladies charge up their Wonder-Dos and aim them at DICK and STU)

STU But the Wonder-Do, it’s just for the home!

SUZIE That’s what you thought! Ladies! (Before ladies can fire, PUSSY enters. PUSSY is aiming an uber-Wonder-Do at SUZIE)

PUSSY

84

Stop right there, ladies!

SUZIE If it isn’t my favorite fair-weather friend.

PUSSY Your path to world domination ends here, Suzie.

STU World domination?

DICK Now it all comes together for you. Would you have ever believed me?

STU Sorry.

SUZIE And just how do you plan to stop me, with that? Ladies. (SUZIE motions for the LADIES to stand in front of her to block the line of fire. The LADIES pause to consider this action. PUSSY charges her uber-Wonder-Do. The LADIES take a big step away from SUZIE, as do DICK and STU)

PUSSY Don’t make me do this.

SUZIE Pussy, you can’t hurt me. You won’t. You made me. It was your thoughts that created all this –

PUSSY

That’s just extra-terrestrial nonsense to me, Suzie. Their mind probe of me was not my choice. Sure, I think the world of you. But I never thought this. The Suzie I love is sweet, kind and saves her domination skills for the bedroom. This is wrong, Suzie, and if I’m the one you blame, then so be it. I’m the one who has to make it right.

SUZIE

After all this time! We found each other! And now it’s come to this. Pussy, you can’t do this to me.

PUSSY Give me the case! (MISSY starts to hand the case over. SUZIE takes it from MISSY.)

SUZIE

85

No!

PUSSY Put the Wonder-Do’s down and give me the case.

SUZIE You’re going to have to vaporize me or whatever that thing does! (PUSSY takes aim)

PUSSY I don’t exactly know what it does, Suzie. So, um, forgive me, okay?

SUZIE Don’t! (PUSSY fires, drops the Uber-do and a strobe light effect and warping sound effect happen. EVERYONE on stage moves slowly as if gravity has gone haywire. EVERYONE rolls around and about the area, dropping any props they might be holding. Some attempt to catch one another in wild-gravity-defying moment. Eventually, SUZIE manages to grab on to PUSSY, they struggle. DICK and STU clasp each other. HOST enters with his loyal dupperware container on a leash)

HOST I always wondered what that would do! (The HOST picks up Uber-do, fires it again very abruptly and everything on stage returns to normal. HOST picks up the Wonder-Do case)

HOST Ah, there you are, my little Abductitrons. (HOST takes Wonder-Do from SUZIE and pulls the Abductitron off the hand mixer.)

SUZIE No –

HOST (to LADIES) I’ll take all my other missing items please, if you will. (HOST strokes his dupperware like a cat in his arms while EVERYONE except for SUZIE retrieves Wonder-Dos of all types and places them in the case)

HOST Yes, nice work, yes. Make sure nothing gets squished. Very nice. Hm. Yes, that will do. Lovely day, isn’t it? Everything looks in order. This has been interesting.

PUSSY

86

What’s interesting?

HOST This was all much more than we expected. Your minds are all so very…soft, aren’t they?

DICK Hey –

STU I wouldn’t say that –

MISSY/ MISS PRIM/ GLADYS Soft! / That’s a little insulting. / Yeah buster!

PUSSY So are you saying this was some sort of experiment?

HOST (chuckles) Nevermind! Time to go home now. Thank you for playing!

SUZIE I believe you have something of mine.

PUSSY Suzie, no – (SUZIE indicates the dupperware container)

HOST Not Beyboo-binky-doo! But I – I love my little Beyboo… (HOST considers, sees SUZIE’s look of determination, looks to his dupperware as if to say ‘goodbye’ for the last time)

HOST I guess it wasn’t meant to be –

DICK

Ah, Suzie, let him keep it –

MISSY/MISS PRIM/GLADYS Please!

SUZIE

Nevermind. Fine. I don’t get to take over the world, but you get free dupperware. Everything’s fair here.

HOST

87

Yay!

STU Suzie, I’m afraid I’m going to have to take you into custody.

SUZIE Of course! Perfect ending to a perfect day!

PUSSY But Stu, do you have to?

STU She vaporized half the town, Pussy. I believe that constitutes a crime even here in Pleasure Valley.

SUZIE Fine. Take me away.

DICK Stu, isn’t there something… I mean, it is Suzie, and really, consider the circumstances. She wasn’t herself at all –

STU

And is she now? (ALL look at SUZIE. SUZIE attempts her most innocent happy homemaker expression. SHE gets tired of holding it)

SUZIE Oh shit. Forget it. Lock me up. (STU begins to handcuff SUZIE)

HOST This is a funny ritual!

PUSSY Suzie, I –

SUZIE You did what you thought was best, yadda yadda. I know the jingle. Thanks.

PUSSY

I’m sorry it happened like this.

HOST

88

So, who’s going to retrieve all those people on our ship? Hm? We Wunderlians do have a capacity regulation that we must abide by –

PUSSY What people on your ship?

HOST Oh, they’ve been making a fuss in there for days. It started with this surly gentleman who kept demanding cookies from us and telling us to visit an unpleasantly scorched region with indeterminate southern coordinates.

STU/DICK/MISSY/MISS PRIM/GLADYS Reverend Fowler?!

HOST Well, it is an Abductitron! Whoever you aimed it at was sent immediately to our vessel. And let me tell you, entertaining for fifty was hard enough, but when more started coming, we were practically swimming in… well, let’s just say, that our ship is only equipped with the meagerest of facilities.

PUSSY Suzie, do you know what this means?

SUZIE I hate to imagine. Cleaning up after three is hard enough!

PUSSY Put away those handcuffs, Stu. Or actually, let me hold on to those. Suzie hasn’t harmed anyone!

STU Well, people have been displaced –

DICK But that’s not a crime, now is it!

STU No, no, I suppose not.

MISSY So we’re free to go?

STU Well…

GLADYS

Come on, Stu.

89

MISS PRIM Pretty please?

STU Ah, ladies – how can I imprison Pleasure Valley’s finest citizens, even if they did get temporarily led down a path of mayhem and destruction which led to an upheaval of everything we know and love, but heck! I really didn’t notice anything that couldn’t be put right. (EVERYONE celebrates STU’s decision)

DICK That’s terrific Stu! (DICK goes to hug STU, considers manly handshake, and then notices that PUSSY and SUZIE are still hugging)

DICK Ah, if it’s good enough for the ladies, then! (DICK hugs STU. HOST looks for a hug, hugs his dupperware)

DICK Well, um, I suppose we should get all our people off that ship. We wouldn’t want them to go off wandering around Wunderlia, would we? (DICK and STU laugh)

GLADYS I better go with you. I accidentally zapped my Harold after a disagreement we had over his prize stuffed beaver!

MISS PRIM Oh Gladys!

MISSY She’s such a card! (DICK, STU, HOST, and LADIES exit. SUZIE and PUSSY remain on stage)

SUZIE Are they all gone?

PUSSY Yes, I think so.

SUZIE Finally. Pussy, I can’t go back there; you know that, don’t you?

90

PUSSY

Yes.

SUZIE And I still can’t take over the world, is that right?

PUSSY Yes.

SUZIE What do I do?

PUSSY Don’t you mean, what do we do?

SUZIE

Yes, what do we do?

PUSSY There’s been a lot of talk of possible alien activity in New Mexico. It might be nothing but –

SUZIE I love the desert! (SUZIE embraces PUSSY)

SUZIE

What’s this? (SUZIE pulls out a Wonder-Do from PUSSY’s jacket)

SUZIE You kept yours?

PUSSY I thought it might be… useful…

SUZIE Oh! Terrific!

PUSSY I’ll go get my bike. (THEY kiss. PUSSY exits. SUZIE remains center with Wonder-Do)

91

SUZIE Very useful, indeed! (SUZIE gives the Wonder-Do a kiss. BLACKOUT)

END OF SCENE 4

END OF ACT II

END OF PLAY