ipf .1 ^ r wr

haven't read CRACKED yet

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EVERYBODY'S GOING OUY IN THE NEW

CRACKED T-SHIRTS

(That’s because they won’t let you in the house with it!)

PRINTED IN FULL COLOR

I want to impress the opposite sex. I enclose S1.25 for each CRACKED T-SHIRT and have carefully filled tn my name, address and mostly, my size.

NAME_

ADDRESS

BOVS A GIRLS

Idlest Meas. size | Ichest Meas. Size 1

24 "-27” B.S. 27"-31” B.M. 3T-34" B.L. |

MEN A WOMEN

1 Chest Meas. Size 1 1 Chest Meas. Size 1 1 Chest Meas. Size 1

34”-37” M.S. 37"-41” M.M. 41"-44” M.L.

CITY _

STATE

SIZE _

ZONE

NO. OF SHIRTS

CRACKED T-SHIRTS 218 W. 48th St. New York 36, N. Y. AMT. ENCLOSED AT $1.25 EA.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

RESTAURANTS _ 36 All kinds, all prices, all terrible

HOLLYWOOD "B" PICTURES.— 22 By the same man that gave you "C" pictures

NATIONAL SAFETY_—.-— 20 Stop, Look, and Listen

THE LADY OR THE TIGER...__ 7 From a spectator's point of view

ALASKA _ 27 Welcome, says politicos. Stop braggin', says

Texans

WRITINGS OF TODAYS YOUTHS... 33 Straight from the isolation booths

JOB APPLICATIONS_ 10 That’s if you want to work

HOME TOWN CONFIDENTIAL. 38 The lowdown by some down lows

TIPS TO TOURISTS_ 18 It should be Tips FROM Tourists

ROMEO AND JULIET__ 13 This author'll never make it

PERSONALIZED LIGHTERS_ 16 Everybody should have one

MOVIE STAR GUIDE__ 8 You can't tell one without it

SUPERSTITIONS__40 HA: We're not superstitious (bread and butter)

EVERYDAY PEOPLE.. 32 Just the ordinary guys and dolls like us7

ARTISTS: WRITERS: John Sevarin Bill McCartney, Carl Burgos, Paul Lalkln, Bill Ward, Jerry Slagal, Bill Everett, Richard Doxee, Barnard Bally. Carl Mantling, Michael Naglar, Toddy Boa, Angola Torres, Gray Morrow, Dick Richards Ray Brookol, Jan Sholly, Gary Stevens.

FEATURES PAGE

HOLLYWOOD "B" PICTURES These pictures were all made by many different directors and pro¬ ducers. ... But they each had ONE important thing in common . . . their pictures were lousy.

ROMEO AND JULIET Only this one is in modern times and dress. We’ve got this to say about the author . . . “The guy who wrote this one originally, was a genius.”

ALASKA Welcome to the colonies. Just one thing. ... We HEARD all those old jokes about how big Alaska is.

22

13

27

INTERPLANETARY MAGAZINES They come to us from outer nowhere

IF PEOPLE TOLD THE TRUTH. Boy would there be fights

SHUT-UPS . These are from another planet yet

MOVIE STAR GUIDE Nowadays you can’t tell one from another. So we had this here guy draw up a guide. Now he’s making a fortune driving a sight-seeing bus around town.

TIP TO WORLD TOURISTS Don’t start on your trip around the world until you have read this real informing article on how to get along over there, by someone who can’t get along over here. . . .

Shtop starin’ at me, and shtart readin'. I'M not the ONLY tunny character in dis noodnick book already.

Cracked Magazine is published bi-monthly and copyright 1951 by Major Magazines, Inc., 21 • West 48lh Street, New York 36, N. Y. Second class postage paid at Sparta, III. and at addi¬ tional mailing offices. Publisher can accept no responsibility for unsolicited letters, manuscripts or artwork, although every effort will be mode to return such matler when self-addressed stamped envelope Is included. Single copy price 25 cents. Subscription (9 issues) in the United States and possessions, $2.00. ilsewhere, $2.50. MINTED IN THE UNITED STATES.

“SPECIAL JUMPIN' c JUPITER r

n ISbUE

SPlUf MiJWtf

fFWN VHOA.U 35 /

MICE, f PMTV Vj

INTERPLANETARY

V.AUOW IN

Tired of seeing the same old dull magazines,

in the same old creaky formats? CRACKED takes

a peek into the future when space travel is an

everyday occurrence, and gives you a prophetic

preview of tomorrow’s dull, creaky . . .

GREEN-CHEESE CHEATER"

'I WAS IN LOVE WITH A LUNA

TICK* — o —

' I HATE REO- HH*AOED MOON

ClAXCRS"

SPACE MONSTERS: ARE TUI jNOePSTOOD Df.'LlwgiJfNTV

THE SLOPPIEST BROADS 1NTPE

WHOfECOHON PK.KW UNIVERSE

LETS fcJKlMG 5t=X B AC*. TO VENUS

«v mttiof^crn uusu }

P080T5 ARE LOUSY LOVERS BY IA l/K GALORE

CAN mis VSARKlAGE BC bAVED? by Tbw»MV H«tamv»ilE

— A NEW 1*Y?1AL - ' WAS IT LCNE ,OBAN| |CWV SPACE-SUITT"

YOO-HOO 9

50-50, A D. GALACTIC

The Saturn Evening | DIED »N TWE SHADOW

OF THE EAR m by Pluto jupitfr

MOON-5HOT FROM

outcr space:

POST OdemW6,50 50AIl /flics.

Digest .Martian Gourmet 26

.A. Pebble 32

Orphelia Claws Beauty 31 .Antique Forum 2

.Space Rentals 90

.Bronx Cheer 19

. .Planets Confidentially 8

How to Digest An Earthman.

Are Rocks Sexy?. Beasts I Have Known. Is The Universe Obsolete?. Snow White: Infamous Earth Tramp. ..

I Knew Bernie Goldfish When.

Mercury: Hot Spot of the Solar System

My Most Unforgettable Lout: No-Head Beersmtch.Bartender's Guide 1

Are 4-D Touchies Driving Us Nuts?.Untouchable Creep 3

Food Pills I Have Regurgitated.Reader's Indigest 42

How To Play Martian Roulette.Howe E. Spins 45

Should Space Stations Have Free Air Pumps?.Fanny Falsie 49

Of Course Our Canals Exist, Idiot!.The Skeptic 55

Stop Eating Money!.Diner’s Digest 59 Atomic Snuff...Sneezeday 65

Traffic In Ancient Comics Must Cease!.Freddy Wart 68

Time-Travelling Peeping Toms.By One of Them 70

The Crummiest Advice I Ever Got.Hirohito 54 Third Person Story: IT Was From Hunger.Beep 77

Toy Ray Guns: No. 1 Teacher Killer.Criminelties 81

Who Was Buck Rogers?.Strange Mysteries 86

Is Telepathy Nosey?.Junior Gestapo 89

The Vanishing Dollar.Pickpocket Tips 93

The Lady From Minskys.Binocular Reporter 98

Is Frozen Garbage Delicious?.Collectors’ Item—Slime 101

Suspended Animation For Keeps.Universal Disgust 103

Don’t Forget To Turn Off The Faucet

Before Blasting Off.Interplanetary Traveller 106

Are Your Robots Well-Oiled?.Lazy Housewife Journal 109

Goof-Off Into Another Dimension!.Good News 111

Grown-Ups, Phooev.Little Creatures 115

New Invention: Silent Movies. ...Frances X. Bushed 119

Martian Males Resent Hatching Eggs.Young Father 122

CONDES^” j ^enace: Earthpeople’s Bathtub.... Garth Soil paws 11

Dear Cracked, I stuck up for you recently. My

friends said that Cracked wasn’t fit reading for idiots—and I said it was!

Betty Slavin Fargo, No. Nak.

ED. NOTE: THANK YOU. BUT SOMEHOW YOU DON’T PUT YOUR SENTENCES TOGETHER CLEAR¬ LY.

Dear Cracked: Hey guys! Here’s a shut up for

you! “Mommy, why are you punish¬ ing me?” “Shut up and read that Cracked!”

Wilbur Studd Anaheim, Calif.

ED NOTE: SHUT UP AND DON'T SEND US ANY MORE SHUT UPS!

Dear Cracked: Congratulations on your Anni¬

versary! May you start the New Year clean!

Consolidated Laundries

Best wishes on your anniversay. Cracked is really going places. It’s going into my incinerator right away!

Dorothy Axelrod Bronx, N. Y.

blow off ST law

mmmrn imt I mm

niu.nl inniuM wn ebitok pet

VK'KT II* AAO

Dear Ed. Just finished glancing thru your

last issue. What kind of morons read your magazine?

Name withheld Hittor, Miss.

ED. NOTE: WE DON’T KNOW! TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF!

Dear Editors, Your article on Russian Inven¬

tions was great! Seems the Rus¬ sians claim to have invented more things than Don Ameche.

Buster Bailey Spokane, Wash.

ED NOTE: WE GOT NEWS FOR YOU, BUSTER! THE RUSSIANS INVENTED DON AMECHE!

Dear Cracked: Took 10-Day Posture Straighten¬

ing Exercises and am erect as a board. But help me out quick! Now I can’t bend down!

Arnold Umglick Miami, Fla.

Lots of luck on your Anniversary. I predict you'll go far. I also predict you’ll be the biggest selling maga¬ zine in the world.

Alvin Hotchkiss Los Angeles, Cal.

P S. You remember me. I’m the guy who predicted the Dodgers would win the World Series last year.

MK-PVP

Dear Ed. Who is that cute gal wearing the

T-shirt'in your ad? Where can I get a hold of her?

New York City T. Manville

Dear Editor: How come we never see the face

of Sylvester P. Smythe, your jani¬ tor?

Shirley Klotz Brooklyn, N. Y.

ED. NOTE: BECAUSE HIS CAP IS ALWAYS OVER IT!

Dear Ed. It isn’t often that we read a good

comedy magazine—So how about putting one out, huh?

Phyllis Wampolsky Philadelphia, Pa.

Dear Editor: Read your article on Imaginary

Fears and Complexes. You say to do just the thing that you fear most and you will get rid of your complex. I’m afraid of being mur¬ dered. What should I do?

Panic Stricken Alberquerque, New Mex.

6 ED. NOTE: NO PLACE! SHE’S TICKLISH!

ED. NOTE: KEEP WRITING SILLY LETTERS LIKE THIS!

'HE ARTIST]

THE INVISIBLE

MAN

THE DADDY

Born from paint and brush fire on Left Bank. Can be seen at favorite diner,

g Harry's Paint Store on Sunset Boulevard.

Ex-romantic player. Graduated from bit parts to big time when he chang¬ ed his aspirations to present horror

WHEN YOU GO TO THE MOVIES THESE DAYS, DO YOU

SEE HANDSOME, YOUNG MEN? DO YOU SEE BEAUTIFUL

WOMEN? NO YOU DO NOT! YOU SEE INSTEAD HAND¬

SOME MONSTERS LIKE THESE CHARACTERS— WHOSE

LIFE HISTORIES WE NOW BRING YOU, IN AN UP-TO-DATE,

ALL-REVISED EDITION, OF CRACKED'S MOVIE STAR GUIDE

THE NEW FRANKENSTEIN BIRDZEYBALL THE FROZEN MONSTER

IGOR BEAVER

PHANTOM

'ROM' THE OPERA

DRACULA

!

. / THE MENACE ' '

Most successful of the hideous fiends. Subdued only by irate mother. Lives in

first 3 rows center. Feeds on popcorn. 9

Born an ordinary lizard in Mediter¬ ranean waters. Grew to monstrous

heights on diet of champagne and

caviar dumped in at Riviera.

Chip off the old block! When last inter¬

viewed on the Riviera, was heard to

say . . . "mmm . . . BOY, THIS IS

GOOD BOOZE!"

LAIKA, THE THING FROM SPACE

IVAN TERRIBILISKI, THE BEAST FROM UNDERNEATH

Did not die in satellite at all. Cosmic rays changed him into rare beast that

is now being saved as secret weapon.

IRVING THE HOMO SAPIEN JR.

Siberian miners dug a hole at 40000

ft. and found Ivan the foreman's face sticking out of it. Was given Ex¬

change Grant to Hollywood.

OLD MAN-

SON OF) DRACULA

MOD ^ MOVIE MONSTERS GADZOOKA, KING OF MONSTERS GADZUNDHEIT. SON OF GADZOOKA

SITUATIONS WANTED .

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APPLICATION for employment^ _

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EDUCATION location

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all we wanna' know is...

you call this a SHARE?

ELIZABE' LARD-U

FIGURE TAA»N»

AMAZINi.

; 4F IeTNEEN

4E AND? going O'

iX AGUES tHEED5

: -

- '

jHililU:

Sam Capulet, you old,

miserable baboon,

if you don’t shut up

I’m coming right over

and give you such a

shot in ♦he.

Jake Montague, you're a

no-good, dirty, low-life

bum and don't ever let

me catch you hanging

your pajamas on my side

of the fire escape 'cause

so help me if I ever . . .

V/OUN,CELLO AND HARPSICHORO X LESSONS a'

ONt-cveo 'rtAK.y APT, A-k

THE STORY OF ROMEO AND JULIET

WILL ALWAYS BE TIMELY BECAUSE

IT HAS A UNIVERSAL THEME,

NAMELY, YOUNG LOVE. THIS IS

THE TALE OF TWO TEENAGERS WHO

DEFY THEIR PARENTS AND MARRY.

PUT IT IN A MODERN SETTING AND

IT'S STILL THE SAME THING. SO

HERE S OUR VERSION OF HOW HOL¬

LYWOOD WOULD. TODAY, PRESENT \

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S

ROMEO and

JULIET

ROMEO FIRST SEES JULIET AT A PARTY

THAT NIGHT UNDER HER WINDOW THEY BOTH CONFESS THEIR LOVE

ALL'S WELL UNTIL ROMEO RUNS INTO JULIET'S COUSIN TYBALT

ROMEO IS GOADED INTO A DUEL WITH TYBALT

ROMEO KILLS TYBALT AND IS FORCED TO LEAVE TOWN

Lover, I get

send me too¬

ls Montague, . . . I now pronounce you

man and wife, make it? the end! Like even

Capulet chick, I Baby! You're

tho' you're a

groove you t

Hey! Man! Wait up!

I think you're

chicken and a real

uncool square!

Cornin’ at ya

Buster! Don't bug me, Pops!

Everything is swing¬

ing and I don't want

your jazz!

, wy P'Zm K r Kjy

ALTHOUGH THE STORY ENDS TRAGICALLY FOR THE LOVERS IT ENDS ON A HAPPY NOTE

FOR THE TWO OPPOSING FAMILIES AS IT MAKES THEM STOP FIGHTING

Sammy, I want YOU

should come to US . .

Bring the kids . . ■ Our

set is bigger, and . . .

Jake—Come on over to

dinner tonight, yeh?

Bring the kids O.K.?

We ll watch the T.V. . .

come to me toi

:ome

OH MY GOSH!

THEY'RE STARTING

AGAIN!

' *> , \

Dig, kid! A little of this action and it's like you've flipped! You get buried, we dig you up—and then you go on makin' it with old Romeo!

What's this ribble?

Think I'll conk out too . . .

like AAARRRRGGGGHHHhhhh

He don't eh? A daughter I got

she should only bust! Where

you gonna find a fine boy like

Paris? And how young you

think you're getting eh? He's

a good butcher and he studies

and he . . . ”

JULIET S PARENTS KNOW NOTHING

OF HER MARRIAGE AND MAKE PLANS FOR HER TO WED PARIS

ROMEO HOWEVER IS UNAWARE

OF THE PLAN AS HE COMES

ACROSS JULIET'S BODY

iMBiwwiwwrw JULIET AGREES AND THE VERY NEXT DAY SHE IS OUIETLY AND UNCEREMONIOUSLY BURIED

WHEN JULIET AWAKENS AND

SEES HER LOVER DEAD SHE

KILLS HERSELF TOO

JULIET IS BESIDE HERSELF WITH GRIEF WHEN A FRIEND COMES ALONG WITH SOLUTION

IN A FIT OF DESPAIR

ROMEO TAKES HIS OWN

LIFE WITH POISON

If 1 can't make it with this

chic :k then I'm bustin' out of

this scene. . . .AAaaargghh.

ATOMIC

SCIENTIST

DOCTOR Flame is injected di¬ rectly into cigarette

WRESTLER

Twist ear on lighter mouth opens, screams, and flame shoots out.

MISSILE

MAN

People of good taste and breeding are always seeking ways to prove this. Of course, this must be done with good taste. One of the tastiest ways to show your obvious good taste is to casually flash a stunning, personalized cigarette lighter that looks as if it were made especially for you. This is accomplished when you choose a lighter that suits your particular profession or station in life. Of course, if you choose a lighter of a higher station than you are, you are simply not playing the

FIREMAN

WELDER

MILLIONAIRE

DENTIST It not only lights

cigarette, but smokes

it too, to prevent

staining dentist’s teeth.

bo you re the

old man and

that's the sea

Has Cuba an^

else to offer? bure, we II

try some of your

wife's candies

before we leave!

li 11 wt MCS3V1 iljsij H Mm &• lluM

MSSKl fjnjl 1

55539%

18

I II bet a million bucks

he's got an elephant

parked around the

corner!

I've heard he was

left here by an American

film company!

THE NATIONAL SAFETY CONSUL says "Watch it." These days you take your life in your hands every time you make a move, and even sometimes when you just lie there. Care¬ fully memorize these National Safety Consul Do's and Don'ts, so you can feel real guilty when you break them. . . .

DON’T enter bars in the first place. Go to the second place. It’s cheaper. TINY

FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD if you’re getting sleepy, pull off the road and take a nap

DO make sure your electrical wiring is adequate.

yuker-

DON'T insult i one’s family pictures. Unless they’re much smaller than yoi

C-0 HIM t>RUN<

jHWMWj

f1 > DON’T leave dan- 717- gerous objects such || as poisons, knives, — or other weapons

in reach of child-

DO keep your mouth shut. . . . Especially when the boss is

DO carry pylons, rope, at all times,

DO remember the name and/or license number of anyone who rolls you.

DON'T stagger across busy streets when you're tanked. Get an old lady to help you.

As T.V. gets bigger and better, Hollywood too,

begins to suffer that ol'-Pressure of Competition!

Now that only the Big! the Colorful! the SUPER-

EPICAL! movie can make money, all the cozy

B pictures that used to fill up the screen are on

their way out, . . . and we, who have grown up

with the beloved characters of those low-budget

films are left to shed a tear or two as we see the

last ads, of the farewell episodes, of . .

The Last of

\ Moves TO Sw1 S&' m

gestured out o

mei* by th

ofPbilovlner WTO THfT

look bl °rBo“on Blackl

1*OUGh

2 Mi/ to

ft* JJ° of iK '1 mm 3a. «i NEVADA Mm

fllfl I I I '

It^ Jffl fr.v trrTr

HAMLET

R- Watson - ; “KIOCK hoimb

dn‘t Stand ? second

>//y

E stand Pl«ytn9

mourNs MUSICAL

luclign

'imentary Jw."

’.gS#

It H°M J i.

S/ow^nT) it couldn't ha happened to , |W/eer Guy

CbrUto

COME^V

ENGLISH RN to Sf

[A AND A DYNASTY

CHAN TRAPPED

MRS- CHAN

COULDN'T E midnight

shift Joker’s

CHARLIE BY

No more Crimesmashing for Charlie.

—now a Doting Poppa! J

NOW TOI HAVE A

£ X!

ISN EI0

It ff t 1 33 KO

He cobUh

>ieu £ his buckU

REAL AD

HORRIBLE HANDS

A right ond left. It's made of rubber and

looks realistic. Become sociable ond shoke

hands with everyone. Results ore startling.

Just make sure you can run.

only $3.00 per pair. Gruesome

SHRUNKEN HEAD BLACK ‘ WIDOW

SPIDER Looks absolutely reol. Tell yout

friends you picked it up on your

last safari. Give it o nickname and

take it with you wherever you go

lots of fun with this one.

only S2.00 ea.

FRANKENSTEIN'S

MONSTER Horrible to behold

WITCH, MANfROMMARS, MONSTER S-FROM

MERCURY. VAMPIRE, HORRIBLE-MONSTER,

SKULL, GORILLA. onlyS3.00ea.

_for the HORROR HOUSE items HORROR HOUSE 218 W 48th St. N V.C.

RUBBER MASKS

□ WEREWOLF □MANfROMMARS

□ DEVIL □ MONSTER-FROM-

□ FRANKENSTEIN'S _ MERCURY

MONSTER □ VAMPIRE

□ ZOMBIE □horrible-monster

□ WITCH □ SKULL

□ GORILLA

I om enclosing S

checked below:

C BLACK WIDOW SPIDER

□ HORRIBLE HANDS

□ SHRUNKEN HEAD

Q RAT IN BOX

screaming. Be o snake in

the grass, order a snake

in the box.

only SI.00 ea.

Open the box, and the

rat jumps out. Makes

for a lot of screeching and

ADDRESS

TO TELL THE TRUTH SECTION:

IT NEVER HAPPENED... BUT SOMEDAY-IT MIGHT!

"I don’t deserve this Oscar. . . I didn't even want it to tell the truth. But my studio said I was sagging at the box office and this would give my career a shot in the arm. My studio spared no expense to get me this Oscar. They bought the best co-star, a great director, and a great

"Operator, I have a confession to make. I just placed a person-to-person call to myself in Walla-Walla, Washing¬ ton merely to signal my wife and family that I had arrived safely in New York. Operator, I'd like to have the charges «« thnt -ill "

"Look, Jonesey, frankly you don't need any more insurance. I'm just trying to earn a living. It figures. . . If you don't buy any in¬ surance from me, I don't see how we can remain friends any longer. And that's why my wife and I invited you and Ruth over here for dinner in the first place.” /->

“I cannot accept the nomina¬ tion because I am completely un¬ qualified for the position. I'm totally unprepared to direct the nation’s economy as I have been unable for many years to make simple payments on my car. The only reason I have been reelected in my home state is because my opposition could never find any¬ thing wrong with the way I ran the state. This is not surprising if you’re familiar with my state —it’s just one big national for¬ est."

igrfteer '"il OOPS! Musta made a wrong turn! Ah thot

this whar LOWER SLOBBOVIA!

'MW UNO OF TX6 _ WCmiHT SWi-UMt*'

CRACKED TAKES THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WELCOME A GREAT NEW STATE

TO THE UNION. CRACKED TAKES THIS OPPORTUNITY TO LET OUR READERS

KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THIS GREAT STATE. CRACKED ALSO TAKES THIS

OPPORTUNITY TO LET EVERYBODY °KNOW THAT WE HAVE THE EARMUFF CONCESSION ALL SEWED UP!

ALASKA. NEW FRONTIER OF GOLDEN OPPORTUNITIES

When a new frontier opens, it offers tremendous the opportunities that await those who venture opportunities to the courageous and the enterpris- into its virgin territory! ing. Alaska is no exception! Here are some of

OBSCURITY. ON THE “LAM? ALASKA IS A GREAT PLAC TO HIDE OUT!

WEALTH. YOU CAN MAKE A FORTUNE IN ALASKA, BY MARRYING A RICH WIDOW

HEALTH. THE CRISP, COOL AIR IS HEALTHFUL. JUST BRING PLENTY OF ^ ^ COLD ^ TABLETS ^

DULL ALASKAN STATISTICS Alaska has 6 mountain ranges! For the lazy climber, we rec¬ ommend the Kloddy Moun¬ tains, only sixteen inches high!

Alaska’s greatest river is the Yukon. It is very popular with tourists because it is filled with beer instead of water.

The Koyukyok flows south from the Brooks Bros. Hills, into the Yonkil Basin, and onto a three inch beach.

BEFORE

as iSSS

ALASKA'S IMPACT ON OUK CULTURE

New T.V. show, “THE New Alaskan Rock N' Roll LONE ALASKAN” tops all tune smashes all records of ratings, even Desilulus’, "I all time histories. LOVE ALASKA." —* —

Stylish women formerly wore sack dresses; now wear ghastly Alaskan-style dresses.

[ No shoot glacier, “Lone"! You be buried

under spectacular landslide!

Who cares, “PRONTO”? I’m SICK of bein’

LONESOME! Goodbye, ratings!

Comedians, hard up for jokes, are saved at the last minute by our 49th state.

Tourists, bored with Florida, Las Vegas and California, flock to our new state.

Accordin’ to this new map, Mable, ALASKA should be right here

We’ve been noticing lately how many home-owners are pool con¬ scious. We’ve also been noticing how many home-owners can’t afford a pool. CRACKED comes up with the perfect solution . . . instead of a pool for every house . . . how’s about . . .

Prospective buyers should now look for the right kind of plot to build a Pool-House in.

nmmim my pool

Make sure in surveying your land, tbe chances of raining is good. This will save on your water bill.

Make sure the builders dig deep enough. Also, they should have previous pool experience.

In case of bad weather, hidden button causes a hidden canvas to cover top completely as in a convertible.

30

Even delivery people won't mind delivering since It will give them a good chance to cool off....

Families can now enjoy winter vacations with togetherness and save money at the same time.

The Pool-House makes for one big and happy family. It also makes for one big happy neighborhood. . . .

Best of all, a Pool-House will discourage visiting relatives. ...

Especially those that can't swim.

, FI ... I

So eventually,- houses with pools will be replaced with pools with houses. They will be easy to mortgage. . . . JUST FLOAT A LOAN.

Families can also make money by chopping up the ice and selling it to various caterers and company;.

Everytime you look at an advertisement these

days, a professional actor or model is selling

the product. The public is tired of being

hooked by these pros. They want to be hooked

by someone in close contact with the product.

Someone down to earth. Someone they can

believe and associate with the product.

They want . . .

EVERYDAY PEOPLE to ADVERTISE the PRODUCT

To brush your teef properly, use a Finebrush toof- brush. MY dentist should have told me that when I was a kid.

3 - -5s! -

Yes sir!! As far as I'm concerned the only grease to use is SLIDEGREASE! Not only is it good for cars, but it can also

be used in the '{TjlXT’t*,- kitchen in place ^ of chicken fat! /’rsT /ikJ

No longer does the public have to flock to the library for the famous poetry of grown-up guys like Browning, Shelley, or Keats. Now the world is beginning to take notice of what geniuses little tykes like Melvin, Zelda, and Conrad are. For after reading their invigorating, youthful, style of poetry, Cracked comes to this conclusion.

It could be

pocK-Ml$HERY

i W

Crying out in the wilderness, comes the loud voice but already the power of her words in poetry and of Nancee Loudbark, daughter of the eminent poet, prose is being felt through the land. Terence Rentfree Loudbark. Nancee is only eleven, _

MY SISTER

MY SISTER IS PLUMPS SHE HAS THE MUMPS

WITHOUT THE MUMPS

SHE IS STILL PLUMPS

Nancee Rentfree

(age 10Vi)

Even tho' modern youth appears callous on the can no longer write, so Wilfred acts as her secret- surface, such is not tne case with Wilfred Forsythia. ary. Nurse speaks a southern German dialect, which Wilfred, age 5, has an 83 year old nurse. Nurse Wilfred cannot understand. The results are rather

interesting.

MINE FIRST AUTOMOBILL

ACH, MONEY IT COSTS

END GIVING I AM FOR DOT AUTOMOBILL,

DRIVINGK ROUND TOWN

GETOOTING DER HORN

UND ACTING SILLY LIKON DER DAY I WASS BORN

J A, DASS 1ST FINE SCHNITZELBANK.

MINE FIRST

AUTOMOBILL

lytlua s nurse

(age 83)

Wilhelmina Wunderbar was found in a tulip bed Everest. Nothing was too large or small for her to when she was only two days old. Friendly Indians not take notice of. She had an eye for beauty

raised her to young womanhood. She grew up on which could only find expression in the freedom of the plains where the wind blew through her hair poetry. The one selection we have taken from the and rustled through and up the steep sides of Mt. fishbowl was written while Wilhelmina was in her

teens.

THE WIND FROM THE NORTH

THE SOUTH

THE EAST THE WEST

COMES THE WIND. IT COES SOUTH, NORTH,

WEST, EAST,

AND SOMETIMES CONTRARY

IT BLOWS AND

COES SOMETIMES

UP YOUR NOSE LIKE A ROSE A ROSE

Wilhelmina Wunderbar (age-teens)

Let us first view the works of three-year-old Rosalie sight and wisdom for all her three years. Her nurse, Mahdahling, of Bordello, France. Rosalie shows in- Viola Ccmpangee, has transcribed some random

poetic outbursts of Rosalie's.

FROGS

FROGS ARE JOLLY ANIMALS THEY CROAK, CROAK, CROAK,

IF YOU RUN THEM THROUGH THE MEAT GRINDER

THEY COME OUT GREEN Rosalie Mahdahling

(age 2 12)

The case of Zanzzabar Knockwill is indeed a strange one. At the age of six, his I.Q. leaped the bounds of any known intelligence test. At the age of seven, he devoured the world's literature, music, and dra¬ ma of the world. At eight, he entered politics. At nine, he completed politics and immersed himself

in Idyllic Thought. Zanzzabar's psychologist (name withheld upon request) would cry and weep while Zanzzabar would toss and moan on the couch. "His thoughts were beautiful! Sadistic, yes—but . . . Beautiful!" the psychologist was heard to reiterate time and time again.

MY PSYCHOLOGIST

HE NICE FELLOW HEAR HIM BELLOW

WHEN I FEED HIM ARSENIC FILLED MARSHMELLOW

HE CRY, HE SOB HE PLEAD WITH ME

BUT ALL I DO IS BITE HIS KNEE.

Zanzzabar Knockwikk (age 10)

* v *

V A » v k,

One of the most brilliant young poets in England enth birthday just yesterday. Since he already knows is Rodney Snapphopp. Rodney reached his sev- how to write, his nurse was dismissed from her job.

TRIPPING THROUGH THE DAISIES

MY UNCLE LEOPOLD IS AN OLD SOT. HE GOES OUT EVERY WEEK END AND GETS POTTO, ON THE WAY HOME HE ALWAYS TAKES A SHORT ■ CUT THROUGH OLD WIDOW BROWN’S BACK PASTURE. HE STUMBLES, SLOBBERS AND TRIPS ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE DAISIES. EVEN THOUGH HE IS AN OLD. DRUNKEN SLOB, MY UNCLE LEOPOLD IS STILL A GOOD FELLOW.

Rodney Snapphopp ^ /w I/O \ /I

<J>], a „ *(a8e

•- . i

FOR PSYCHOANALYSTS

The trouble with restaurants is that they all look alike. There's no individuality. Most people don't like to go out to eat because they can't get any home like atmosphere. What all eating places should do is to try to appeal to a specific group since this is the age of specialization. This can be done by some slight redesigning, until we come up with. . . .

RESTAURANTS to

MAKE YOU FEEl at NOME! 0 G

•mi":;'?■?’m :-*••••”•' - i \ww/'■■ .-’/S'.- '.'1

wkwSM,

Wwm

NO WAITING ON

BiCTOCcMiR FOR GANGSTERS

FOR J4ZZ MUSICIANS

FOR GRAVE DIGGERS

i. I

»•

1

\

EKTLOOKING WIT-BEWARE!

TELLS THE GOSSIP

BY EUGENE P. KLATCH

^ Our country’s most beloved racket buster

For months now, people in the neighborhood have been putting pennies into the harmless looking parking meter in front of the fish market. This is supposed to be good for 3 Full minutes. No sooner do they dash out but they find that time has expired.

_ You can't beat the machine

^Sk| Now it! We A** f know that takes only

\ 1 3 4 minutes for the av- fo i ^ Qpy».’Vbl erage citizen to run inside. \ y ^ buy sardines and rush

X—""*jp B-' - right out. Even a two-year- V old child knows this. It was W scientifically timed with a f stop - watch belonging to

f / V Harvey Snerd, the two- f y year-old son of Mr. and

Mrs. J. Fenwick Snerd. No —there’s something fishy

. fmSMia going on!

Go fight City Hall

Who’s responsible? Well, we don’t mean to point the finger at anybody but how come the owner of a 5x7 (cont. on page 60)

THE BOOKS YOU DON’T GET TO SEE ON YOUR

LIBRARY SHELF!

Many decent, law-abiding citizens of our community have been trying to take out the newer, more pop¬ ular books of the day from the Elm Street library, only to meet with defeat. When the average clod comes in for those new books, all he gets is the polite, "Sorry, not avail¬ able!” What this really means is, “You gotta know somebody, Bud.” An inves¬ tigation has revealed that these books are on a spe¬ cial shelf under the table reserved for a “select few”

The situation is alarming

These "select few” pay plenty for the "reserved books”. The prices are in fact, double—at the ridicu¬ lous rate of 4c a day—and you can keep them out only 7 days! A newcomer just walking in doesn’t stand a chance! He’s just wasting his time trying to find some James Jones novel on the shelf, and has to content himself by just browsing through the illus¬

trations of Boccacio’s "De¬ cameron.” You poor suck¬ ers coming in for Peyton Place have to walk out with Thoreau’s "Walden Pond.”

How did this in¬ justice get started?

Rumor has it that Agatha, the librarian, is taking re¬ venge on the public, as a result of an unhappy court¬ ship with Oscar the sewer cleaner. (Continued on page 83)

The books the public never gets to see.

AND SPREADS THE RUMORS 4 ★★★★ FINALLY

KITZEL’S DOESN’T PUT ENOUGH SYRUP IN CHOCOLATE SODAS

Those of you who have been complaining that the chocolate sodas at Kitzel’s drug store taste “funny” are not crazy. Hold onto your hats! They don’t put in enough syrup—at least 9/16 below what Schim- mel’s candy store across the street does—as shown by actual glasses compared below.

The authorities are quick to act!

A special town council meeting, hurriedly called to inquire into the dilem¬ ma, subpoenaed leading soda - jerks from all over the country, in an effort

PROOF

has already spread around town. Rufus Globb has now organized the “Go Home Kitzel Club.” “It’s about time we put a stop to this nonsense,” cried outraged parents at the last P.T.A. meeting. Moth¬ ers are refusing to let their children near the place. Anti-egg cream demonstra¬ tions are springing up ev¬ erywhere.

to get at the truth behind this alarming situation. 3 out of every 5 interviewed threw down their glasses in disgust!

Black market in Black and Whites?

People everywhere are heard to remark that the Kitzel sodas taste “bitter,” “queer,” “lousy,” “eh-hh,” said Abner Blackhead from 4th Street. The word, “Stay away from Kitzel’s”

HERMAN THE BUTCHER

AND HIS POLICE RECORD NO BOLONEY!

The mild-mannered, soft spoken little man who grinds your chop meat and slices your veal cutlets, sel¬ dom discusses his past be¬ cause the whole thing’s been hushed up for years! Only Oswald the busboy, his closest friend, knows that old unassuming Her¬ man has a police record dating back to 1927!

Herman's violent temper now revealed

It seems that as a wild silly youth Herman, alias “Herm,” irresponsibly ex¬

pectorated in the subway, in protest of the slow arrival of the northbound B.M.T. He was promptly hauled in despite his insis¬ tence that it was due to an asthmatic condition, and given a 30-day sus¬ pended sentence. Since that time Herman's life has been dedicated to go¬ ing straight. By curbing his every temper, by ad¬ justing to our every con- verition of society, Herman has worked his way thru butcher school selling sub¬ scriptions to Harper's Bi¬ zarre, to at last become the credit to society that

(continued on page 63)

Who's covering up for who?

When questioned, Homer the head jerk, says he’s only following orders from “higher up.” Casper, the manager, says the same thing. Max Kitzel, himself, shrugs his shoulders and won’t say a word. Nobody seems to know. And yet the scandal continues. Who is responsible? Who is in back of (all this? Who— is Mr. Big??

(continued on page 57)

AN OPEN LETTER TO

PASQUALE THE BARBER October 24, 1958

Dear Pasquale, Now Pasquale, strictly between us, this nonsense of talk¬

ing the customer's ear off in the barber chair has got to stop! We know you’ve finished the sixth grade, but frankly, we don’t give a hoot about your opinions on Wall Street.

Nobody really cares what you think of the new chemise. People come into your shop to relax and get haircuts and shaves. Not to hear views on Mickey Mantle’s batting stance. Everybody is complaining behind your back that you talk too much. They don’t want to hurt your feelings. Ap¬ parently, you haven’t noticed that most of your customers now wait for Angelo in the second chair.

No offense meant, Pasquale, but please, for goodness’ sake, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! You’ll be a lot better off, believe us. We know that barbers talk a lot, but, like you abuse the privilege, you know?—So like do us a favor and shut up, huh? jq

Just one more thing, Pasquale, about your breath 'T (continued on page 75)

ggemac ■■ .-.-■■■ ■ ■ ,’v - -v

I " ■

-i. i. i. (i*

..... imhiliii

What's your opinion, junior?

Superstition is just plain silly-HO-BOY! A RABBIT'S FOOT!!!

FOOL! WATCH THAT MIRROR! YA WANT 7 YRS. BAO LUCK??!!

See how the kitty strolls harm lessly before the BRAVE PANEL7 Nothing terrible has happened. NOW, don't you believe it's bunk7

FOLKS, to prove that Sup¬ erstition is ridiculous, I brought along a black cat. UUURRROOOWW!! CLOSE

DAT UMBRELLA. STUPID! INNA HOUSE DAT'S DA WORST LUCK OF ALL?

KNOCK WOOD DON'T OPEN UMBRELLAS INDOORS NEVER WALK UNDER STEPLADDERS CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOUR-LEAF CLOVERS ARE LUCKY SPRINKLE SALT OVER SHOULDER GOOD LUCK HORSESHOE BEWARE THREE ON A MATCH DON'T BREAK MIRROR GOOD LUCK COINS, GEMS, & TALISMANS LUCKY RABBIT'S FOOT BLACK CAT UNLUCKY DON'T WHISTLE IN DRESSING ROOM

Our question for today's panelists will be “IS SUPERSTITION SUPERSTITIOUS?" Remember, all questions are answered for free

M-me’ B-Delieve in S superstition?!! MME” N-never!! A UH A V VILE O-DIRTY R ROTTEN L-LIE!

. . . to resume our in¬ vestigation into this miasma of poppycock

Ah-h! Here's one citizen whose opinion we can trust. Whatta you

Me thinks the chap protesteth TOO much!

YIPESH DON'T YOU KNOW 3 ON A MATCH IS UNLUCKY??!!

t regret to announce that due to unforseen circumstances, namely bad luck, this rotten show is being kicked off the air!

I'm sponsermg this show' THROW THE BUMS OUT!!

■I '

"You're the most beautiful girl in the whole solar system.’

"I’m not afraid of the Earthman. Let 'em.come."

1 HONEST OGG /ViOGG

USED MARSCAl

"Nonsense, those can't be Earthmen! Everybody knows there's no human life on Earth."

«

Until lost month • •

■

^^resubscrib,n9 BUt ^ CMCKtD.

SUBSCRIBE NOW’-

Here's what

Barney says . . .

“I never knew what it was to be popular. But ever since I sent in my subscription to CRACKED the same month my inheritance of one million dollars came through, I feel sure I’ll never be a wallflower again.’’

^ Next nine i Next n ne issues $2.00

Outside of U.S. $2.50 See how simple it is to be popular? Mail coupon to:

CRACKED Subscriptions

218 West 48th St.

New York 36, N. Y.

You II never be lonely again.

He uses only GLOOM—the toothpaste for

people who CAN brush after every meal....

(POSED BY PROFESSIONAL MODEL)

AT THE SAME TIME! „ . fc . , k „ , , II your as neurotu the man pictured above, and must brush

Proof-In Laboratory

A-MOUTH BACTERIA, CHIEF CAUSE OF DECAY, BUILD UP OVERNIGHT LIKE THIS, SAY

ALL LEADING DOCTORS-

B—JUST ONE GLOOM BRUSH ING DESTROYS ALL MOUTH BACTERIA. SAYS YUL BRYN NER, PICTURED ABOVE

Proof-In Apartment

SAY GOODBYE TO ODOR' COUPLE SEEN ABOVE HAVE JUST APPLIED GLOOM AND ENJOY A REFRESHINGLY SWEET GOODNIGHT KISS-ALL BECAUSE THEY JUST GOT RID OF THE ODIOUS CAUSING GERM. NAMELY-HER HUSBANO

your teeth after you cat. Gloom is the toothpaste for you. That’s

because Gloom comes ready to lie smeared inside your food so

that you eau eat and brush your teeth simultaneously! . . . Tastes

like mayonnaise—delirious on sandwiches! Only Gloom has

PI'-86 which destroys decay, mouth odor, bacteria, and also the

taste of the food you're eating.

START YOUR DAY

WITH GLOOM !

ipf .1 ^ r wr

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