irt and christian marriage counseling
TRANSCRIPT
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Imago relationship therapy and Christian marriage counseling
By
JACOBUS HARMS DE KLERK
Dissertation
Presented as partial fulfillment for the degree
MA (THEOLOGIAE)
In
PRACTICAL THEOLOGY
AT THE
THEOLOGY SEMINARY AUCKLAND PARK
AND THE
RAND AFRIKAANS UNIVERSITY
Faculty of Arts Department Biblical and Religious Studies
Supervisor: Prof. W. J. Hattingh Co-supervisor: Prof. H. Viviers
Student Registration number : 200110890
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Summary Marriage it seems has always been a key element in the family systems of the western
world. The joining of two people of the opposite sex in a unity bond, with the purpose
of creating a system to produce children and bring them to adulthood.
These marriage bonds usually start with a romantic love affair between the partners
that lead to a permanent joining in some form of marriage. It is these long term bonds
that seem to suffer from endless pursuits to find a way to be joined for a lifetime. In
most of the western world the divorce rate between couples average fifty pe
People from all walks of life seem to suffer the same fate and Christians specifically
do not seem to indicate a higher rate of marital success. The faith and biblical
principals Christians adhere to is a strong motivator to keep people together but does
not have all the practical answers for the co-habitation of to individuals in a long term
relationship.
Christian marriage counseling possess several unique traits that enhances their
counseling processes but does not indicate to have a significant higher success rate
than an other form of marital counseling.
Imago relationship therapy is an approach to relationship counseling that offers some
new ideas and methods. It combines several principals from different psychological
therapeutic approaches into a unique relational approach. Based on the belief that the
relationship is a systemic it approaches the couple as a unity and all therapy is done
with both partners present. The approach uses several practical exercises to foster
emotional connection between the partners and teach them new relational and
communication skills.
This approach indicates a high success rate and seems to seamlessly flow with normal
Christian counselling. The principals of Christian marriage counseling can be
enhanced and put into practice by using the imago techniques.
It is deducted that Imago relationship therapy can easily be integrated into a Christian
marriage counseling approach and produce good results
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OUTLINE OF CHAPTERS
1. PROBLEM STATEMENT, MOTIVATION FOR STUDY AND RESEARCH
METHODS
1.1 Problem statement and motivation for study
1.2 Research methods
1.3 The structure of the study
2. THE IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY MODEL
2.1 The character and philosophy of Imago Relationship Therapy
2.2 The counseling aims of IRT
2.3 The power struggle
2.4 The building of an Imago
2.5 The theory behind Imago Relationship Therapy
2.6 The importance of regressive work and the implementation thereof in Imago
Relationship Therapy
2.7 The concept of a marriage space between the couple
2.8 The role of the Therapist in IRT
2.9 The processes of Imago Relationship Therapy
2.10 Couples Workshops
2.11 The effectiveness of IRT
3. CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING
3.1 The character of Christian marriage counseling
3.2 Understanding marriage from a Christian perspective
3.3 What makes a happy marriage according to the Christian perspective
3.4 The reasons for marriage problems from a Christian perspective
3.5 The methods used in Christian marriage counseling
3.6 The role of the Pastor in Christian marriage Counseling
3.7 The problems of Christian marriage counseling
3.8 Tension Issues between biblical values and directives, and modern marriage
perceptions in Christian marriage counseling
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4. THE INTERACTION BETWEEN IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY AND
CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING
4.1 How do the aims of IRT blend with the aims of Christian marriage
counseling?
4.2 Departure points
4.3 Notable differences between IRT and Christian marriage counseling
4.4 Areas of harmony and enhancement 4.5 The dynamics of being one In Christ in marriage and facilitating personal
growth
4.6 Interaction between IRT and Christian Marriage counselling with regard to
personal growth
4.7 The role of the Pastor as Christian counselor and IRT
4.8 Conclusion
5 APPLICATION OF IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY IN A CHRISTIAN
MARRIAGE COUNSELING PRACTICE
5.2 Introduction
5.3 IRT and Spiritual ministry
5.4 Communication as prerequisite
5.5 The role of the Pastor or Counselor in the use of IRT
5.6 Guidelines for the use of IRT in Christian counseling
5.7 Cases where IRT may not be effective
5.8 Conclusion
6. CONCLUSIONS AND SUMMARY
6.1 Introduction
6.2 Observations
6.3 Conclusions with regards to the use of IRT in Christian marriage counseling
6.4 Recommendations for future study
REFERENCES
Addendum - Case studies
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Chapter 1
PROBLEM STATEMENT, MOTIVATION FOR STUDY AND
RESEARCH METHOD
1.1 RESEARCH PROBLEM AND MOTIVATION FOR STUDY
A family, based on a marriage between two heterosexual people that produces
children in a family setting, is held in Christian circles as the norm and ideal. This
may be especially true of the Christian cultures of the western world.
The communities of our day however, are experiencing a period of constant change
with the dawn of the Post-modern generation where all things are perceived as
relative and changeable. It seems that this has in recent times also affected the
institution of the marriage, and that alternative structures of relationship and family
set-ups are becoming more socially acceptable in the traditional Western Christian
settings.
It seems as if the traditional view of the sacredness of marriage has become negotiable
and relative in today’s world.
This is supported by the views expressed by Matthews and Hubbard. They concluded
that in the present culture having possessions is being more highly valued than being
in relationship and living in community. Furthermore they say that at some very
prestigious academic institutions like Harvard and Yale, traditional Christian values
are being rejected. “ Many distinguished academic, professional, and religious leaders
have recently identified themselves specifically as advocates of alternative forms of
family relationships, affirming marriage as only one of several acceptable options for
family life” (Matthews & Hubbard, 2004:35).
Today the terms “single parent families and re-assembled families” are frequently
used to refer to modern-day families, because divorce has become an acceptable
solution for marriages that do not find harmony and happiness. This has resulted in a
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community in South Africa, where divorced families are becoming socially more
acceptable.
In our post-Christian world, the patterns of thinking and living that characterize the
emerging culture carry the stamp of post-modern influence. This indicates that the
value of the individual and his own needs for gratification is being put above all other
values. The institution of marriage therefore is also considered to be in service of the
individual. (Matthews & Hubbard 2004:35-40).
The church is facing a crisis in that it seems that dedication to Christian norms and
values do not offer a guarantee against relationship failure. It also seems that a true
belief in Jesus Christ and a conversion to the Christian faith is not an automatic
safeguard against the factors that destroy families. This is evident from the high
statistics of divorce among Christians. All indications are that the divorce rate among
Christians is not significantly different from any other group (Matthews & Hubbard
2004:34).
Practical experience in the field seems to indicate that even a high percentage of
members of the Clergy are battling to make their marriages survive.
A further complicating factor is identified: not all answers to modern-day marriage
challenges can be derived and fully addressed from the Bible. The question needs to
be asked whether the bible can serve as a marriage counsellor’s guide book.
Christians also generally presume a working knowledge of Christian marriage and an
understanding of Biblical references about marriage that in reality falls far short of the
mark (Matthews & Hubbard 2004:153).
Adding to this problem is the cultural change in society brought about by the
emancipation of women. With the emancipation of women, families have moved out
of the traditional patriarchal system of family structuring, to a marriage of equals.
This means that we have moved from, traditionally arranged marriages for the
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purpose of order and provision, into marriages of choice between consenting partners.
This is confirmed by Matthews and Hubbard (2004:135 – 155).
These marriages, based on romantic love and personal need can be inherently unstable
and may have turned sour because of disillusionment and conflict (Brown 1999).
These circumstances have resulted in a situation in our society, in which God’s
original design of family structure is being amended. His original plan (as understood
in Western Christian circles), which will create a secure environment for the marriage
partners to find love and acceptance, in which children can thrive, is now
disappearing. This general break-up of traditional family structures, is negative to the
community, and hampers the growth and stability of the next generation.
Practical experience when working with divorcing couples indicates that, when
marriage break-up happens to Christian families, it also creates questions around their
faith, beliefs and values.
Indications are that divorce between Christians can influence the individuals
relationship with God and result in a distancing and sometimes a divorce from God.
1.2 RESEARCH PROBLEM AND OBJECTIVES
It appears that the church, the clergy and Christian counsellors face the same
difficulties in marriages as those faced by non-Christians. This emanates from the
experience of Christian marriage counsellors and the high divorce rate among
believers. This also seems to indicate that a belief in Jesus Christ, and the adherence
to biblical and Christian values, does not necessarily guarantee that the person will be
able to build a happy and strong relationship with someone in a marriage relationship.
The identification of the problem is that, although a relationship needs to be based on
values and beliefs, it also needs personal and relational skills in order to build a happy
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marriage. It is assumed that the tools needed to make a marriage happy, might be
contemporary and culturally bound, and should be acquired and learned. These skills
might not all be available and easily extracted from the Bible, and might not
necessarily be a result from normal Christian marriage counseling. .
Christian marriage counselling, as it is termed, does not claim to be more effective
than any other method of counseling. The problem therefore is that our methods of
application seem not to be able to harness to power of God in such a way as to make
Christian counseling more effective than other forms of counselling.
The subject area to be investigated is to see whether it is possible to enhance Christian
marriage counseling by means of the use of another model to facilitate a greater
effectiveness.
This study will endeavour to examine the use of a model that will help a couple to
develop the necessary relational and personal skills needed to build a happy and
fulfilling Christian marriage relationship.
1.3 RESEARCH METHOD
A brief literature study of the Imago Relationship Therapy model ( IRT) will be done
to give an overview of the values, methods and aims of Imago Relationship Therapy.
This study will be motivated, with reference to specific case studies from publications
and from the writer’s personal relationship/counseling practice.
The character of Christian marriage Counseling as practised in Christian circles today
will be explained with reference to its problems and shortcomings.
The writer will endeavour to establish whether IRT is a usable model in Christian
marriage counseling with reference to possible problems and limitations. He will
conclude with general guidelines, and comments, with reference to usable methods.
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1.4 THE STRUCTURE OF THE STUDY
Chapter two focuses on IRT to show its contemporary style and eclectic use of
different strengths derived from the various approaches in psychology. IRT will be
explained so that the reader will understand the importance of establishing a
connection between the couple in therapy and thereby creating a healing environment
for the individual as well as for the relationship.
Chapter three will focus on the character of Christian marriage counseling as practised
today. Specific problems and shortcomings as experienced by therapists will be
highlighted.
Some areas of conflict between contemporary views on marriage and biblical values
will be addressed. The study will look at the problem issues between biblical values
and directives, and modern marriage perceptions within the context of Christian
marriage counseling. The views concerning the role of a wife in marriage, will receive
attention in this chapter to show the dilemma we face with the move to modern-day
relationship and family structures.
Attention will be given to the biblical directives concerning marriage and
relationships and whether they are models or values.
Chapter four will focus on the interaction between IRT and Christian marriage
counseling, and look at possible differences and/or similarities between the two. This
will be done in order to establish whether IRT has sufficient harmonies with biblical
values to be used in Christian marriage counseling.
Chapter five will be dedicated to the application of IRT in Christian marriage
counseling. Attention will be given to usable techniques and their aims in counseling
with reference to what biblical values would be emphasized by using that technique.
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Some case studies will be added to highlight and motivate the principles and aims of
therapy. This should help the Christian counselor to evaluate if IRT can be used to
create a healing environment in the marriage, and which methods he/she can use to
achieve certain counseling goals.
The end goal will be to establish if the IRT model is a usable model in Christian
marriage counseling.
Chapter six will be dedicated to conclusions and a summary of the study. Certain
recommendations and possible future study will be indicated.
This study will use the English spelling rules in US format and the Harvard reference
method as per Kilian (1989).
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Chapter 2
THE IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY MODEL
2.1 The character and philosophy of Imago Relationship Therapy
Imago is best described by Luquet and Hannah (1998:13): “Imago Relationship
Therapy is a relational paradigm approach that is designed to increase couple
communication, correct developmental arrests, heal wounds from childhood, and
promote differentiation of the partners, while restoring the connection between them”.
Luquet and Hendrix (1998) add that Imago is a relational model of couple therapy that
utilizes behavioral, affective, and cognitive interventions to facilitate understanding
and change within the dyad.
The purpose of IRT is to restore the original spiritual and emotional connection
between the partners as individuals to create a new purpose for the marriage. The aim
is to create a healing environment or living space in which each partner can heal from
his/her needs that have not been met (unmet needs) and feelings of neglect and
worthlessness.
IRT uses a set of communication tools built around the basic Couple’s dialogue
technique, to create a new way of communication between the partners.
2.2 The counseling aims of Imago Relationship Therapy
IRT processes recreate the connection that was lost in childhood between the person
and his/ her caretakers, one that became severed again in the couple’s power struggle.
Luquet and Hannah (1998:16) state that IRT guides the couple in using the
partnership as a resource for healing, problem solving and growth, enabling greater
personal fulfillment as the partners deepen their connection.
The main focus is to create a healing connection. This becomes possible only when
there is enough emotional safety between the partners. To create this safety, the
damaging, bruising and degrading habits must be removed from the relationship.
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One of the main differences between Imago and other approaches to therapy, is that
IRT sees the couple, rather than the pathology of the individual as the centre and the
client.
The essence of how Imago sees relationship and the individual therein is probably
best illustrated by the word of Harville Hendrix:
“Imago therapists operate from the assumption that when connection is restored and
stabilized, what appears to be individual or systemic pathology disappears. They
believe that the therapeutic method that achieves this healing is a dialogue process
that enables the couple to break their symbiotic fusion, differentiate as separate selves,
drop their projections, and connect with the subjective reality of each other ” (Harville
Hendrix in Brown, R 1999:XI).
Brown (1991:18) describes Imago as: “The heart of Imago therapy is helping couples
learn to safely connect to each other and have more empathy for one another’s pain
through the specific intentional tool – the couple’s dialogue”.
Hannah M.T. et al, (1997) state, that the healing is achieved in part by creating
empathy for each other’s “woundedness”, and that IRT also includes psycho-
educational processes designed to facilitate a paradigm shift, which enables couples to
view their relationship from a new and more positive perspective. This is done
through short lectures in combination with the IRT techniques.
The counseling aims of IRT focus on changing the relationship between the partners
to an environment where healing can take place for the individual. This healing occurs
through the connection and empathy between them, when they see each other’s pain.
2.3 The Power-struggle
The power-struggle refers to the unique unconscious process within every couple
where one or both of the partners fight to get their unmet needs and longings fulfilled.
Because most of these unmet needs come from childhood they are unconscious and
are usually not cognitively known to either of the partners.
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The power-struggle usually consists of one or both partners accusing the other of
doing things that hurt him or her, or accusing the other of not doing the things
necessary for the relationship. The Power-struggle is therefore a pattern of recurring
actions and re-actions in the relationship driven by the unconscious cry of each
partner’s unmet and unknown desires.
Luquet and Hendrix (1998) describe this as a process where each partner is seeking to
be understood by the other. The partners get frustrated because the other is also
suffering from the same competing wounds. This prevents them from seeing the other,
but leads them into a self-absorbed state, where they start to focus on themselves and
begin to generate cognitive distortions and ideas about the other.
This unconscious power struggle is what destroys the intimacy and pushes the couple
apart. This could very well be the key to understanding all relational problems.
2.4 The Building of an Imago
Imago is a Latin word that means “image” specifically, the final stage of a butterfly
after metamorphosis. The basic philosophy behind IRT is that every human being
forms an unconscious picture of the ideal caretaker, during his interaction with his
primary caretakers in childhood. This picture is called an IMAGO.
During childhood the caretakers can never fulfill all the needs of the child and will
unwillingly and mostly unknowingly, hurt the child by not fulfilling the childhood
needs, or emotionally wound the child because of their own disabilities or wounds.
The child will, all through adulthood, long to complete these childhood stages, and
heal the childhood wounds. She/he will form a picture of the ideal life partner that
will be able to understand his or her own childhood wounds and unmet needs. This
Imago picture embodies the good and bad characteristics of the caretakers.
When in later adult life a person is met who fits this Imago picture, the individual will
fall in love with that person. This is motivated by the “unconscious” desires to
complete the unmet needs of childhood. A person therefore chooses someone with the
same basic unmet childhood needs and experience. This is certainly confirmed by
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Brown (1999:9) who says: “We tend to be drawn to someone who has similar positive
and negative traits to that of our early childhood caretakers”.
Because the chosen person is usually a person with the same type of childhood
wounds and unmet needs, he/she is therefore by definition the person who would best
understand the make-up of the other. Such a person is, in reality, the person least able
to fulfill those needs, because they are also struggling to heal from their own unmet
needs in childhood.
This healing can only occur in a relationship. Brown emphasizes the importance of
this concept in a relationship. “The healing that needs to occur, will only occur in the
context of a relationship, the person then chooses an Imago partner with whom to
complete this childhood journey of unmet needs” (Brown 99:16).
This longing to heal is the primary source of the power-struggle in a relationship
when each partner is manipulating or unconsciously trying to force the other partner
to fulfill his or her unmet needs.
This process is described by Pat Love and Sunny Shulkin, as a process in which we
are attracted to the person who brings us the form of love that feels familiar, for better
or worse. We unconsciously partner with a person who has the same negative
characteristics of our caretakers (i.e. smothering, neglect, controlling etc.). If we could
get that person to love instead of abandoning or controlling us, it would feel as if we
are finishing the unfinished business of childhood or completing the gestalt. “Our
earliest experiences with caregivers gave us our impressions of love and connection.
Through interactions with the people who raised us, we formed our expectations of
relationships. These expectations live with us today and color our experiences with
others – especially a primary love partner” (Love & Shulkin 2001:67).
Although these factors fuel romantic love, they also constitute emotional and
characterological incompatibility, precipitating a power struggle in the relationship. It
seems nature brings incompatible people together as a means of healing and growth
(Hendrix and Hunt 1999).
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The following exercise can be used to establish your own IMAGO (Adapted from the
work of Harville Hendrix and Pat Love):
MY IMAGO
A. Thinking back to your childhood from birth to 18 years, list some of the
negative Characteristics of the people who raised or influenced you (for
example: angry, withholding, depressed, critical, busy, abusive, rigid)
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
Now choose the three most important ones ______________
______________ _______________.
B. Now list their positive characteristics (e.g. loving, caring, affectionate,
supportive, present, nurturing, funny, giving, smart)
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
Now choose the three most important ones ______________
______________ _______________.
C. Think back to your childhood and how life was for you. Recall what you
wanted and needed most as a child, specifically your heart’s desire (for
example: to be seen, to have a normal family, get attention, to be hugged, to
be accepted, to be valued, to be to be praised, etc).
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
Now choose the three most important ones ______________
______________ _______________.
D. Now recall the happiest memories of childhood. These can be with your
family, friends, in school, etc. Then list how you felt during these happy times
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(for example: happy, loved, valued, competent, confident, excited, secure, and
calm).
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
Now choose the three most important ones ______________
______________ _______________.
E. Finally think back on the frustrations of childhood, not just with your
family, with anyone, and describe how you responded to the frustrations (for
example: by getting angry, withdrawing, trying harder, keeping to myself,
giving up, blaming myself, blaming others, fighting, taking care of myself,
etc.).
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
Now choose the three most important ones ______________
______________ _______________.
After you have completed the entire exercise please enter the words, from the
most important fields, into the spaces listed below to get a picture of your
IMAGO
I am attracted to a person who is: (words from a)______________
______________ _____________________, and I expect him/her to be
(words from b) ________________ __________________
_________________, so that I can get (words from c) ______________
_____________ ______________, and feel (words from d) _____________
________________ ____________, But I stop myself from getting this
sometimes by(words from e)_______________ ______________
_____________.
This is my Imago and Image of love.
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2.5 The Theory behind Imago Relationship Therapy
To understand relationships and the dynamics behind our instinctive behavior it is
important to understand the meta-theory behind Imago Relationship Therapy.
A child is born with full vitality (aliveness) and energy to learn about his/her world. In
this process of learning, the child interacts with his/her primary caretakers and learns
through them about his/her world and how to react to it.
This learning journey prepares the child to function as an adult in this world, and live
in relationships. If the caregivers are able to keep the child safe through all of his/her
journeys, he/she will learn that the world and relationships is a safe place to be.
The opposite is also true. When a child has to fight for survival through these journeys
he/she will perceive the world and relationships as an unsafe place where one cannot
be one’s true self but be on the defense mode all the time to survive.
In the writer’s view it is important to understand the four personal journeys as
described by Brown (1999:23-50). These concepts form the basis upon which the
theory is built.
2.5.1 The cosmic journey
People are in essence energy or life pulsating and living, and spreading that energy to
the world around them. The natural state of a human being is that of relaxed
joyfulness, living in harmony with his/her surroundings.
This energy affects all others because we are all connected in one universe. When
people in relationships influence each other’s state of relaxed joyfulness, and upset it,
they adapt. Some people tend to become quiet and hold in their energy (Minimizers)
and others expand their energy (Maximizers). These adaptations happen as soon as
people feel unsafe in relationships, usually because of conflict.
Minimizers will withdraw as soon as they are frightened or scared, or as soon as the
relationship is perceived as unsafe. Maximizers are the people who would then tend to
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chase after the Minimizers and try to get him/her to enter the process of trying to
solve the differences.
The two types of people are both human responses to feeling unsafe. When the
Maximizers go’s after the Minimizers it is because of feelings of abandonment and
hurt. When the Minimizers retreat, it is because of the fear of being overwhelmed.
The other person or body of energy is perceived as a person who disturbs my state of
relaxed joyfulness. As long as a person feels unsafe he will react in one of these two
ways, and will focus on protecting himself, rather than fulfilling the needs of the other
person.
This difference between the partners is utilized and normalized in IRT as part of the
mate selection process and consequent growth promotion of the marriage (Zielinski
2000).
IRT uses this analogy to illustrate that we choose the opposite adaptation to help us
heal from that what we lost in childhood. The differences between the partners are
therefore not cause for divorce but normalized as an opportunity and unconscious cry
for growth.
2.5.2 The Evolutionary Journey
People and animals share some of the same basic natural responses to the world,
usually directed by instinct or the unconscious. These responses could be described as
twofold. When the world is unsafe one wants to protect oneself and when it is safe
one wants to enjoy life.
The three basic responses of any creature to danger are flee, fight or freeze. Animals
do this as a basic response to danger.
When humans experience a relationship as unsafe they follow the same basic
responses of fight, flee or freeze, to protect themselves and stay alive. This occurs in
the animal or instinctive part of the brain. When a relationship has become unsafe,
some partners might flee by leaving, some might start a fight and some might just
freeze by withdrawing into silence.
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This principle is embodied by the words of Brown: “If therapists do not understand
that the quest for survival is the only thing that happens in marital relationships, they
do not understand couples: All couples are trying to do is survive” (Brown 1999:42).
When the relationship and environment is safe the opposite response is triggered.
Brown describes it as follows: “When people experience their environment and
relationships as safe, they want to do three things, play, nurture, and mate - that is to
make love” (Brown 1999:32).
“While survival is the primary drive or mandate operating in all living creatures,
human beings also operate under a secondary mandate. And that is, "If you can stay
alive, why not enjoy your aliveness?” (Brown 1999:32)
The human desire or instinct to stay alive, plays an important role in the application of
the theory of Imago. It stems from the belief that all humans long to regain a state of
relaxed joyfulness in connection.
The human brain has evolved over the ages. Differences in functioning, in different
aspects of the brain, influence and dictate how we will function in relationships.
Hannah, et al (1997) describe the human brain as a tripartite brain and this is
confirmed by the findings of Brown who describes the human brain as tri-layered
(Brown 1999:35). This view of brain functioning and its effect on safety in a
relationship, is briefly described as below.
The three parts of the brain are: the brain stem, limbic system and the cortex. The
brain stem is also referred to as the reptilian brain because it handles automatic
functions such as taking a breath and moving muscles to keep us alive in all
situations.
The limbic system is also referred to as the mammalian layer. This part of the brain
activates centers of intense anger or rage and pain, all in the service of staying alive.
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The third part of the brain is called the cortex, and enables one to think thoughts, and
to think about those thoughts. A human is the only species that can think about the
fact that she/he is thinking or reflect on and evaluate his actions.
If the reptilian and mammalian brains are combined we can refer to them as the old
brain and the cortex as the “new brain”. This old part of the brain has little or no
awareness of time and space. The old brain’s function is to keep the conditions safe.
When conditions are safe, the person experiences “relaxed joyfulness”. If conditions
are unsafe it automatically responds with a defensive posture and depending on the
perceived danger, constricts energy (freezing, hiding or submitting), or explodes
energy by fleeing or fighting (Hendrix & Hunt 1999:173).
Couples tend to live most of their lives using the old brain. This means that they do
not live intentionally in their actions towards each other, but live reactively to the
actions of each other. This will always lead to the “power-struggle”.
The therapist must help the partners to relax and reflect on the old brain impulses
before they react, and teach them to start living intentionally. In order to achieve this,
some level of safety needs to be present so that the partners can drop their defensive
patterns and focus on pleasurable actions. When energy does not go into staying alive,
more energy is available for enjoying aliveness.
When couples start to live intentionally in their relationship, they will create safety.
This safety will automatically lead to partners opening up to one another and they will
begin to feel more intimate and connected. They will also begin to feel more
vulnerable and this could lead them to close up again to protect themselves. This
could become a cycle.
Therapists often find, that as soon as couples open up to one another and show some
piece of themselves to the other, they become afraid and would say: “Now I am afraid
he/she has more ammunition to shoot me with the next time we fight”.
This is an indication that the human brain has a natural desire to protect oneself
against emotional pain. This is especially true, if the perceived danger matches an old
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memory of pain or negative experience. Most individuals have had negative
experiences within relationships and are influenced by these memories.
2.5.3 Psychological journey
Parents do their best to keep their offspring alive in their journey to adulthood. This
they do by keeping the child warm, fed, nurtured and safe. No parent can always in all
circumstances fulfill every need of the child on a continual basis. The parents will
inevitably miss some of the needs and leave the child feeling neglected and UN-cared
for.
“In their efforts to nurture and keep children alive, many parents are intentionally or
unintentionally guilty of sins of omission or commission. They inevitably wound us in
one way or the other” (Brown 1999:45).
Children form an experience of their parents and from that form an Imago, which
embodies the positive and negative character traits of the parents. This picture might
not always be the truth, but that becomes irrelevant, because the picture is formed
through the perceptions of the child.
The psychological journey starts with birth where the child’s need is to bond with the
mother. This stage is called attachment. The journey is completed when the child
reaches the age of 19 and completes the intimacy stage.
In each phase the child has different needs, or cares, that he /she must get met by the
parents in order to develop as a person and complete that particular human
development.
For example: If a child is busy with the competence phase, he needs the parent to be
consistently there watching him, giving positive and constructive feedback. This will
boost his confidence and allow him to explore his/her own limits. If the parent is an
overcritical person or an absent person the child will adapt his/her behavior to survive
and might not complete that particular stage successfully.
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The theory of Imago suggests that the person will unconsciously try to complete that
particular childhood stage in the relationship with the spouse. Such a person will
unconsciously marry a critical person in the hope of successfully completing his/her
competence issues in the hope that the spouse will give the necessary love attention
and positive feedback to build a competent self image.
When a child experiences feelings of rejection and abandonment in the attachment
phase or feeling smothered or neglected at the exploration stage, it will result in
wounds in his developmental self (or unfinished developmental tasks). As a result
children may come to fear their own impulses and deny them to consciousness
resulting in a denied self. To avoid further need frustration they may adapt by either
exploding (Maximizer) or constricting (Minimizer) their energy. These adaptation
characteristics often result in the development of a presentational self who projects its
denied traits onto others, and connects with others whose complementary functions
were impaired. This will however not be satisfactory and results in a continual search
for the missing self (Hendrix & Hunt, 1999).
Unless the situation is relieved these patterns will become dominant character
structures and defense patterns, which are brought into adult relationships.
The theory around this cannot be described in full in this study but can be found in the
work of Joyce Buckner as published in The training Manua1 of Hendrix, H. 1979 and
in the work of Hendrix ( 1992:51-100)
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2.5.4 Social journey
Socialization is an important factor to consider when relationship therapy is
undertaken, because it affects the make-up of a person. Socialization is the process
where a person’s true self and natural energy are formed and shaped into a form that
is socially acceptable to the parents and the social structure.
The child expresses his own energy through an expression of feelings, sensing,
thinking and actions. The parent reacts with responsive messages to these expressions,
which either builds wholeness in the child or creates repression.
For example: if a boy has a natural energy and instinctive desire to dance and is
naturally attracted to a life in the arts of dancing or ballet, it is possible that his parents
and social structure could find this undesirable. They would then naturally give him
the message that such desires, senses, feelings and thinking is wrong and bad and
therefore should not be a part of him. The child will then try to disown that part of
himself in order to be socially acceptable.
In most social cultures, boys are encouraged not to express their feelings of sadness
and pain in front of their parents with words like “Boys don’t cry”, or “Don’t be such
a sissy”. This type of behavior leads the child to feel rejected and guilty because he is
experiencing these feelings and naturally leads him to disowning his feelings and
senses. Girls, on the other hand, are allowed in most Western cultures to experience
feelings of sadness and pain without fear of rejection.
The Psycho-Social Journey of the Self
Attachment
Exploration
Identity
Competence
Concern
Intimacy
Responsibility
0 - 18 Months
18 Months - 3 years
3 - 4 years
4 - 7 years7 - 13 years
13 - 19 years
20 + years
24
This socialization influences relationships, because it often leads to a situation where
the woman is in touch with her own feelings, but cannot connect with her husband on
an emotional level. The man on the other hand, has been repressed in the area of
emotions his whole life, and either does not know what he is feeling or cannot access
that part of his being.
Other messages of repression that parents send out are: “children should be seen and
not heard”, “keep your opinions to yourself”, “what were you thinking”, “you did not
think”, etcetera.
Brown (1999:49) emphasizes the severity of this behaviour with his words: “Parents
who attempt to socialize their youngsters by continually giving them messages about
what they should and should not do with their energy are actually mutilating their
children with the best of intentions. They are cutting off pieces of their children every
time they communicate the messages: don’t feel, don’t think, don’t enjoy your body,
and don’t move.”
This often produce adults who are repressed in certain areas of their lives, and
unconsciously project these needs and feelings onto the partner in marriage.
2.5.5 Adaptations and Survival Strategies
No parent is perfect, and because most adults are struggling with their own issues in
life and relationships, it seems unlikely that the parents will be able to fulfill all the
needs of the child. When a child does not get the care, feedback, correct messages and
love he needs to be happy and fully alive, he will make adaptations to stay alive.
These adaptations are done on an unconscious level and can be referred to as survival
strategies.
For example: a child that lives in a critical home environment where his actions,
success and performance are constantly criticized by caregivers in an effort to
improve him, could react in two ways. He could become a competence wounded
person who always tries to do more than necessary in order to avoid criticism. The
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other adaptation would be to withdraw and believe that any attempt to succeed is not
worth the effort because one would be criticized anyway.
The child will long to complete this childhood phase and will continue to look for a
caregiver (marriage partner) with whom he can complete that childhood phase.
Brown stresses the importance of these concepts in marriage when he says: “The
adaptations that the child has adapted to stay alive become life patterns and will be
brought into the marriage relationship. Unfortunately, however, what we learn to do
as children in our response to our pain and what worked for us as children to help us
stay alive, does not work for us in relationships” (Brown 1999:57).
2.5.6 Exit Theory
The energy of a relationship is between the partners. The dynamics and specific
pattern of interaction within each couple is unique to every couple. This interaction
can be referred to as a marriage dance. When the marriage space (atmosphere between
the couple) becomes unsafe, one or both partners will begin to exit the relationship
intimacy on a regular basis in order to avoid being intimate with the person they do
not feel safe with.
These exits range from work to children, and could involve anything that is a passion,
chore, responsibility, calling or pleasure. It becomes an exit when the person uses the
passion or responsibility as an excuse to keep busy and avoid intimacy.
People exit intimacy because of fear and anger. Anger stems from the realization that
the partner is committed to his own salvation and is not focused on the other. Fear
stems from the unconscious fear of being alone and intimate with someone you feel
emotionally unsafe with (Hendrix 1993).
Hendrix (1993:138) points out that the therapist should lead the couple into a “no-
exit” decision for a period of three months. In this process the dynamics of the
relationship will surface as the “Fuser” in the relationship will relax because of the
commitment and the “Isolator” will feel threatened because of the commitment.
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2.6 The importance of regressive work and the implementation thereof in
Imago Relationship Therapy
The concept of childhood wounds or unmet needs in IRT is generally built upon the
seven stages of childhood development as described by Joyce Buckner (1991).
Because parents are people themselves from homes with their own problems and
shortcomings – no parent is perfect. The caretakers can never fulfill all the needs of
the child and will unwillingly and unknowingly hurt the child by not fulfilling the
childhood needs. Some parents inevitably wound their children emotionally because
of their own disabilities or wounds or own unmet needs.
Wright (1981:153) seems to support this concept when he says that unmet needs in
childhood develop into rigid behavior patterns. These patterns are called frozen needs,
because they recur over and over, and they cannot be met in the present.
The processes of IRT allow the couple to return to these hurtful experiences, within
the safety of a relationship other than with the therapist, and to heal them.
The techniques of IRT are designed in a way that will foster safety, and keep the
partners from projecting their own pain and fear onto each other. They learn to
contain the pain and hurt of the other person in safety. The healing then occurs in and
through the relationship.
When partners see the childhood pain and the hurt of unmet needs, empathy is
created, which seems to automatically create a connection and bond between the
couple.
This could for example be done by means of a short lecture on the value of empathy
and its healing value and then the partners can role-play the “parent” and “child” of
their own childhood. They will use the Imago “parent Child Dialogue “which will
typically produce in the listener an empathic experience of the other person’s
woundedness.
27
Couples can also use frustrations with each other as a means to establish connection.
Hendrix and Hunt (1999:188) state: “In Imago therapy, frustrations are considered the
royal road to the unconscious, which provides a glimpse into unresolved issues from
childhood”.
2.7 The concept of a marriage space between the partners
The relationship between partners is different to the relationship between the
individual partners and other people. This relationship could be referred to as a
marriage space in which the couple lives. This marriage space must at all times be a
safe space or atmosphere to be in.
When this space becomes unsafe because of aggression, agitation or non-fulfilment of
one or both of the partners, the intimacy between the couple will deteriorate and
thereby diminish any possibility of deep communication and connection between the
partners. This is confirmed by Zielinski: “The average couple in treatment brings out
the worst in each other and often the individuals appear to have personality disorders
when interacting with each other” (Zielinski 2000:66).
If the space is unsafe, people cannot be themselves but rather live under constant fear
of rejection and either becomes aggressive or compliant in order to be accepted, but
the true nature of the person is denied. This can be referred to as personal adaptations
to the true nature of a person.
It is in this “safe Space” that personal healing and growth can take place. The need for
personal growth in a relationship space is confirmed by Luguet and Hannah when
they say:” To fulfill each other’s desires, partners have to grow past defensive
adaptations and characterological limitations, thus enhancing their own personal
growth” (Luquet & Hannah 1998:15).
This space is created by the other partner, by unconditionally accepting the other
person and learning to “contain” that person’s wounds, hurts, fears and anger. In
traditional views on marriage, couples are required to sacrifice, protect and respect
each other. This inevitably means that some of what they are, who they are and what
they are feeling and experiencing will not be welcomed in the relational space. When
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such undesirable characteristics or feelings are expressed, rejection will take place and
the person will be re-wounded. This will lead to a person internalizing such feelings
and experiences, and lead to disconnecting from the partner. Such relationships
therefore grow into parallel relationships, or symbiotic relationships.
Traditional views on marriage are often indicated by the sketches above.
Marriage is not something that can or should be fixed. It should be viewed as a space
for healing and growth. This can best be illustrated by the following sketch (De Klerk
2003:49).
Traditional views on marriage
Individualstraveling together
Marriage is areas ofSacrifice, give and take.
We are one
Safety
The Imago view on Marriage
Others
Sacred Space
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The importance of safety in order for the true person of the individual to be authentic
to what he/she is feeling and experiencing, and being able to be all of that in the
relationship, is confirmed by the words of Hendrix and Hunt (1999:172): “It is the
character of the connection, namely, whether it is safe or dangerous, that sustains or
ruptures the organization of the individual psyche and that, in turn, maintains or
disturbs connection. The prevailing ontology of separation is thus amended, by
ontology of relationship”.
If the marriage space is sanctified the true person will reveal himself in that safety,
and intimacy will occur. Young and Long (1998:9) confirm this by stating that
intimacy is a hallmark of a couple relationship –“ a relationship defined by mutual
self-disclosure and an understanding of the other person in a partnership of equals.”
Moreover they state that the degree to which a couple can express closeness is
strongly influenced by the needs and expectations both parties have developed in their
respective families of origin.
“Concerning the safety aspect in the marriage each partner in a relationship should
feel safe enough to turn to the other partner in times of stress. The creation of such a
safety in the relationship is one of the seven Psychological tasks that a relationship
must develop. This specific task of safety is of importance because individuals who
do not have their need for safety and nurturing met may be prone to exit from the
relationship or seek to have their needs met in an extramarital affair “(Young & Long
1998:16) .
2.8 The Role of the Therapist in IRT
In IRT, the dynamics and the work is between the partners. The therapist has no
opinion and advice to give other than to point out the pattern of the relationship and to
guide the couple in the dialogues. “An Imago Therapist is a person who manages a
process so that the couple is empowered to become each other’s therapist “ (Brown
1999:xx).
IRT is therefore not marriage advice, nor relationship counseling but rather a
therapeutic process where the therapist is the couch.
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The imago therapist does not analyze, diagnose or try to interpret what makes a client
act in a certain way. Instead the Imago therapist engages the partners in the dialogue
process. When empathy occurs between the couple, healing of the childhood wounds
seems to happen inevitable (Brown 1999).
Harville and Hunt (1999) point out that the therapist should discern the underlying
wound, developmental arrests, and presence of the lost self in the partner’s complaint.
The therapist could give the sender a stimulus for his message through the use of
sentence stems which would elicit a recollection of the wound like “ and that reminds
me of…”.
One of the tasks of an IRT therapist is therefore to keep all exchanges between the
couple in the session dialogical. It is important that the IRT therapist should never
take sides or engage in traditional diagnostic judgments, because insight is secondary
to connection, which is the first aim of IRT. The therapist should therefore always
have as a first priority the aim to keep the space (relationship environment) safe
(Harville & Hunt 1999).
It becomes a crucial mistake when the therapist allows one of the partners to turn to
the therapist, and talk about the other partner. This breaks the connection between the
couple and creates a connection with the therapist, as pointed out by Hendrix (1979).
The therapist is therefore not the healer, but the relationship is the therapy. The
healing does not take place within the Therapist-client partnership, as with traditional
approaches. Harville and Hunt (1999) point out that the traditional tools of
interpretation, analysis, confrontation, and other invasive transactions, along with the
anxiety they evoke, are absent in this approach.
A degree in one of the Mental Health professions is necessary for admission to the
training program. The specific requirements for becoming a certified IRT Therapist
are outlined by Harville and Hunt (1999:184).
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2.9 The Processes of Imago Relationship Therapy
“IRT is not a series of techniques, but a belief system about committed partnership”
(Zielinski 2000:104).
2.9.1 The main tool
The main tool is the basic couple’s dialogue technique. By means of this dialogue the
couple is trained to listen to each other and to express themselves in a three-part
process. This is done by asking one partner to speak (becomes the sender) and the
other to listen (becomes the receiver).
This process is explained by Luquet and Hannah (1998:13) as follows:
Firstly, the partner who listens cannot answer or respond but rather mirrors exactly
what the speaking partner says, by answering “ I hear you say…”. This is no easy
task, because typically the receiving partner is feeling emotionally reactive to what
the sending partner is saying. After the receiving partner has mirrored the sending
partner, he responds with “ Tell me more…”
When the sender has completed his story the receiver gives a summary of what he has
heard.
Secondly, the receiver is required to validate what the sender has said. This validation
process does not mean that the receiver agrees with what the sender has said, nor does
it indicate that what the sender has said might be the truth. It is rather an attempt by
the receiver to understand the sender’s point of view. The receiver tries to understand
the sender’s point of view by replying “It makes sense to me that you could….” Or “ I
can understand that you could see it that way…”
Thirdly, the receiver expresses empathy and tries to guess the sender’s feelings
around the subject. Empathy is really to put yourself in the shoes of the other person
for a moment and to understand and experience his/her world for a moment. This can
be done by the receiver saying: “I imagine that you might be feeling …” Harville and
Hunt (1999) point out that the movement to validation often requires a clinical
judgment by the therapist that the couple is ready to do it.
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The partners then switch and the receiver become the sender and the sender the
receiver.
This process accomplishes that the sender feels heard and understood, which
automatically creates intimacy and connection between the partners. It also teaches
the receiver to contain his/ her reactivity and more accurately hear what the sending
partner is saying.
The big advantage of using the couple’s dialogue technique is that it creates safety in
the space between the partners and removes the factors that usually lead to aggression
or the exit of one or both partners.
When the partners start to see their own wounding and that of the other they begin to
understand their own marriage pattern and can then, consciously, begin to heal the
other’s unmet need and wounds.
2.9.10 Other tools in IRT
Other tools in IRT includes container days, re-romanticizing, flooding and
creating a positive vision for the relationship.
The container process is considered one of the most difficult processes of IRT and is
usually carried out under the supervision of a therapist. The container exercise allows
the sending partner to express anger while the receiving partner listens with as much
empathy as possible. The purpose is that anger received in empathy softens into hurt,
which brings opportunity for healing.
Re-romanticizing is the process where the couple intentionally reinstates romantic
behaviors they exhibited naturally in the early relationship. It is a mutual exchange of
pleasure in the relationship with the intention that the partner should become a source
of pleasure and be seen as non-threatening.
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Flooding is the process whereby the partners learn to express positive praise and
appreciation with the absence of negative comments, and thus flood each other with
caring behaviors.
When the couple creates a positive vision for the marriage together, it helps the
partners to have a road map for their relationship journey together.
2.9.11 Applications of the basic Couple’s dialogue
The basic couple’s dialogue is a powerful tool and can be applied to any issue or
situation in a relationship. The couple’s dialogue can be adapted to achieve different
aims in the counseling process. For example, when a couple is on the brink of a
divorce, the therapist could lead them into a dialogue where they start with the words
“ Why it is difficult for me to live with you….”. Many times this will be the first
opportunity that partners have to express themselves clearly concerning their feelings.
The dialogue can also be used in a positive way: “ How I feel about you is…”.
This basic tool can be adapted to any situation or relevant topic in the relationship or
even topics outside of the relationship that will still cause connection.
2.9.12 The basic Dialogues techniques used in IRT
The following list of applications of the basic dialogue models has been compiled and
adapted by the author (De Klerk 2003:48) from the work of several writers. The
“Couples workshop manual” by Harville Hendrix (1997) was used as a basis:
• Couples / Intentional Dialogue
This basic couple’s dialogue is used to establish a safe, sacred space in the
relationship. It is not for problem-solving, i.e. not about problem-solving at all. The
aim is to create understanding and make the space safe to facilitate communication.
With difficult couples (where the space is very unsafe) the following sentence stems
could be used:
“Why I think it is difficult to live with and be married to myself....”
“Why I cannot continue this marriage the way we do…”
“How I have prevented the marriage we both want from happening…”
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• Parent Child Dialogue
Harville and Hunt (1999) describe this process as re-imaging the partner. The aim is
to re-image the partner as wounded rather than dangerous. This dialogue will deepen
childhood memories. It will create empathy between the partners and allow a partner
to understand the other partners childhood pain. This helps the receiving partner to
recognize the wounded child in the other. The couple role-plays and one partner takes
the role of one of the parents.
Using the basic dialogue technique, the sender speaks to the receiver as his parent.
The receiving partner mirrors everything in the first person. Sentence stems to direct
the sender could be:
“You are my Mom/ Dad. Living with you is…”
• Behavior change request dialogue (BCR)
This process teaches each partner how to express their individual needs in a
constructive manner that will deepen the understanding between them. It is a way to
keep the marriage space safe while talking about frustrations.
Harville and Hunt (1999) explain that this dialogue helps partners to express their
needs without using criticism, devaluation or intimidation. Using the basic dialogue
technique, the receiving partner responds by agreeing to specific behavior changes as
an unconditional gift.
This facilitates mutual growth, since what one partner needs is usually the most
difficult to give. The giver, by stretching into the requested behavior, activates the
denied or repressed parts of childhood. In this way partners call each other to mutual
wholeness and growth.
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This can usually only be done with the help of a trained IRT therapist. The couple will
start with small issues/frustrations in the coach’s presence at first and learn to express
those needs in safety. The therapist will then lead the sender to discover the childhood
unmet needs that trigger the frustration.
This enables partners to understand the motive and childhood pain behind the
frustration, and give insight that 90% of what frustrates us about our partner actually
comes from our own past and only 10% is about the present behavior. This is referred
to as the 90/10 principle. These dialogues can typically be started with sentence stems
like:
“It frustrates me when you…”
“The reason it frustrates me is…”
Or “From my perspective your deepest frustration with me is…”
• Forgiveness/ Making Amends dialogue
This dialogue gives a partner the opportunity to say sorry for past hurts in safety. It
can be used when one partner wants to ask forgiveness for doing something that has
happened or that he/she has done to hurt the relationship or the other partner.
• No exit Dialogue
This dialogue is designed to build safety and commitment in the relationship. It
should follow a short lecture on the exits that people use to stay out of intimacy.
It is preferable to do this dialogue very early on, in the therapy process. It will help
the couple to block all energy leaking from their relationship space. A typical
sentence stem would be:
“One way I exit the relationship is…”
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• Owning dialogue ?
When couples have difficulty in speaking to each other because of a lack of safety,
start the dialogue with this question.
Sentence stem that could introduce this is:
“Why it is difficult to live with me…”
or “ What is it like living with me…”
• Expressing appreciation Dialogue
This dialogue teaches couples to express appreciation without allowing frustrations to
be mixed with the appreciation. It develops the couple and teaches them to give
appreciation to each other and the value there-of in the process of creating safety.
Sentence stems that could be used:
“What I specifically liked…”
“The way it made me feel…”
“What made me feel special / loved …”
• Self acknowledgement dialogue.
This dialogue gives acknowledgement to personal growth in relationships. It creates
ownership for caring behaviors and facilitates the process of individuation. It fosters
the responsibility of each partner to build the relationship. Sentence stems could be:
“Why it was specifically hard / such a stretch, for me to…”
“The reason I did it …”
• The Flooding exercise
This exercise helps the partners to learn to express appreciation for the person the
partner really is. It moves the focus from the frustrations the individual is
experiencing with the other, to the valuable and good characteristics of the other
partner. It will make the other feel wanted and appreciated. Sentence stems:
“Your physical attributes that I like…”
“Your character attributes that I like…”
“Your personality attributes that I like….”
“I love you…”
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• The Non-verbal Dialogue
In this exercise no speaking is used, but couples are encouraged to talk with their
eyes, face, body and touching. They learn to connect with each other, in a way other
than verbally. This should only be done when the couple is at a safe place in their
relationship.
• Holding Cradling Exercise
This exercise allows the partners to feel sadness and pain about childhood or any
other external (non-relationship) issue. This may be about something not to do with
your partner. One partner holds the other in cradling embrace (lying across the lap of
the other) and allows such a held person to talk about pain. “Tell me about…”
There is no mirroring when the sender speaks. The partner holding, just listens and
respond with “I understand” and “Tell me more”.
This dialogue can also be used to re-image the other partner as in parent-child
dialogue. Only when the person has finished, the holding partner can ask: “what can I
do now, that would heal that with your parents?” and responds by mirroring.
It needs to be noted that the techniques of these dialogues can most probably only be
mastered with supervision by a trained and qualified Imago Therapist.
2.10 Couples Workshops
Harville Hendrix has designed a 20-hour “getting the love you want” weekend
workshop. The workshop utilises lectures and a subset of the workshop processes. In
two days (20 hour) the workshop offers lectures, written exercises, guided imageries,
live demonstrations and working one-on-one with your partner.
Typically, the following topics would be lectured on: the tripartite brain and its effects
on safety in the relationship, childhood development and mate selection, the
importance of empathy, caring behaviours, restructuring negative behaviours, and
resolving rage. The couples are then taught to use the dialogue process to apply these
lecture topics, and learn about their partners.
38
The workshop is in two parts, the first being an explanation of the “Unconscious
relationship”, and creating awareness of how romantic love leads to the power-
struggle. The second part is the “Conscious relationship” part, where couple learn to
live consciously with their partners and create an intentional relationship.
Workshops can only be presented by Therapists who have undergone a two-year
training period to become certified as workshop presenters.
2.11 The effectiveness of IRT
The effectiveness of short-term couples therapy using the IRT model has been
measured by Hannah et, al (1997) using the compass measuring model. They found
that individual psychological functioning, as measured using COMPASS increased on
at least two levels.
These findings are also consistent with the findings of Pitner, G.D (1995). His
research showed that the weekend workshop experience had a significant positive
effect on marital satisfaction and change in the quality of the relationship.
Harville and Hunt (1999:192) point out that several studies indicated IRT has a
positive result on marital happiness, but they conclude that these results are still
limited and must be considered preliminary
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Chapter 3
CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING
3.1.1 The character of Christian marriage counseling
Guernsey (1994:20) states that Christian marriage counseling has more to do with the
being and character of the counselor and clients, than with the content and technique
used in the counseling process. Moreover, he says that no particular mode of therapy
can claim to be Christian, but is rather done by Christians.
It is of more importance to him, whether Jesus Christ has been integrated as Lord in
the counselor’s character. He says that an understanding of the doctrines of Imago Dei
(Man created in God’s Image) and sin and evil could be important when working
from a Christian perspective. Sin would then be, when we fail to achieve God’s plan
for us, by engaging in acts that is opposite to the Bible. Evil, then being that we
engage in acts that deliberately destroys God’s Image (the Imago Dei) in us.
For Guernsey it appears that Christian marriage counseling has to do with the basis of
the biblical values that are used as departure points, rather than a specific model of
therapy.
However, Adams (1970) has pointed out (in his Nouthetic counseling approach), that
Christian counseling is not only done by a Christian, but also should be done
according to the general biblical principals of Christian living. These principals
includes such principals as forgiveness, personal holiness and integrity. For the
counselee this means that he should follow biblical principals. He should measure his
life against the biblical directives and see where he has failed. The counselor is the
guide in this process. These errors should then be confessed and changed to achieve
one’s goals. God is asked to help the counselee in making these changes.
Worthington (1989: 22) has identified three approaches that could be termed Christian
marriage counseling. The first is the situation in which, it is believed that Christianity
is more “caught than taught” from a caring Christian. The Counselor then leads the
clients through change even though specific Christian techniques or Christian
40
practices are not used. The Counselor’s own demonstration and example might be
important.
The second approach believes that all therapy must have direct scriptural justification
or be rooted in spiritual guidance techniques, such as prayer, confession, biblical
instructions, Bible verse memorization and intervention of the Holy Spirit.
The third approach uses methods developed by secular theories of counseling but
which deal directly with the spiritual thoughts, behavior and lifestyle of their clients.
They use secular counseling processes with Christian content.
Worthington states that his own approach draws upon the secular theories and he
deals with the Christianity of his clients, through spiritual guidance techniques such as
explicit prayer, confession, forgiveness, scriptural exegesis and scriptural quotations
and principles.
He identified the following four distinctive aspects that could describe Christian
marriage counseling (Worthington 1989:20-45).
• Should be done by a Christian
• Should be consistent with Christian assumptions
• Should be consistent with God’s specific (biblical) and general
(natural) revelations.
• Should have Christ at the centre (grounded in prayer and identification
of Jesus as the healer of people and restorer of relationships).
Wright (1981:38) says that a way to develop a biblical approach in counseling is to
compare a current secular counseling model that has proven effective with the model
of counseling in the Bible.
It might be of importance to note the view of the Friesens (1989), concerning the
therapeutic approach chosen in Christian marriage counseling. They suggest that the
clients will be best served if the therapist treats and views the relationship as a system,
and therefore uses the systems approach rather that individual counseling.
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The author sees this as very important, as marriage seems to be viewed from the
biblical point of view, as a closed system. It is clear that there is no consensus
amongst Christian counselors as to exactly what makes marriage counseling
Christian.
The writer is of the opinion that Christian marriage counseling should maybe not be
seen as a separate model, but rather a specific approach. In this approach there seems
to be certain views, actions, and belief systems that distinguish it from all other
approaches. These distinguishing factors will now be highlighted.
3.2 Understanding the purpose of marriage from a Christian perspective
The view of the church in general about marriage could possibly be summed up, in
the view of the Smiths (1982:22), when they say that marriage is given by God as part
of the creation to humans. Marriage is the relationship in which partners can practice
the Christian disciplines of living as new creatures, forgiving, being empowered by
the Holy Spirit and acceptance. They see marriage as a Christian vocation where each
person can fulfill God’s calling on their life. In this sense, they see marriage as a
covenant relationship between two equals to fulfill God’s calling to minister to each
other and be a channel of God’s love.
Louw (1938:60) explains that the church sees marriage as a creation and command to
humans by God.
Patton and Childs (1988) depart from the point of view that you cannot work with the
couple without understanding that they are generational human beings with a
responsibility to care for those related to them in their own generation as well as in the
generations before and after. This generational care must be understood in the light of
their specific Christian traditions and generational links.
3.2.1 The concept of Covenant
The concept of covenant seems to be the first aspect that guides and distinguish
Christian marriage counseling from others.
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For Christians, marriage is a mirror image of how God loves man and promises to be
true to him in a covenant relationship. This forms the basis of how a man and woman
should be in covenant to each other.
The phrase “Covenant Companionship” is used by Adams (1983:24) as a phrase that
summarizes the whole biblical concept and purpose of marriage. He argues that the
counselor must teach this concept to the couple in order for them to understand the
purpose of marriage and to dispel natural misconceptions about the purpose of
marriage.
Louw (1985:38) says that marriage is a covenant between God, man and wife. In this
covenant, they call friends to be witnesses in the forming of a permanent bond that
cannot be broken. Through their love conduct towards each other, in this covenant
marriage, the couple demonstrates the love of God for the assembly. He says that the
reconciliation through Jesus Christ is the focus of a Christian marriage.
Louw (1985:19) say’s that there is a God-given purpose for marriage. Because man
and woman were created in God’s image, he maintains that in their conduct towards
each other, they should honour God, by demonstrating His grace, mercy and character
towards each other. Marriage must be to God’s glory.
The marriage covenant is seen as an earthly sample of the love covenant God has with
man. This love covenant finds its full embodiment in the redemption work of Christ.
The power of God’s love in this covenant is illustrated by the fact that even though
man has continued to sin against God, He keeps His covenant promises. This is an
illustration of the unbreakable marriage bond between a man and woman even in the
presence of marriage problems.
Louw’s thinking is probably an embodiment of the traditional Christian view on
marriage. In this view the covenant principal, (as illustrated by the redemption
covenant God made with His people) is central and therefore views marriage as an
unbreakable covenant.
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The concept of covenant promises is used by Guernsey (1996:22) as a strong directive
to remind couples to consider the promises they have made and broken. He says that
when more promises are broken than those that are kept, disillusionment and
disappointment sets in. He then refers to Exodus 32 in the Bible, where God wanted
to annul the covenant between God and Israel because of Israel’s disobedience.
Although marriage is not a sacrament, it is still an institution ordained and created by
God. Marriage is a gift from God to man to fulfill his inner desire to belong and to be
loved. Christians view the bond as a powerful, divinely ordained and instituted bond.
In this view, the bond also represents an image of the covenant bond that God made
with humans.
It is also important to note that the covenant bond God made with humans has been
broken numerous times by humans. This has never led God to a point where he has
forsaken his covenant with humans. This has relevance in Christian thinking and
Christian marriage counseling with regards to the breaking of marriage bonds through
unfaithfulness and infidelity. Just as God never annulled his covenant with His
people because of their failure to keep their end of the covenant, so in relationship
grace always come first.
In Christian marriage counseling, the concept that marriage is a covenant and should
be kept in tact as far as possible is very important. Forgiveness is therefore always
presented as the first choice to protect and honour the covenant principal.
3.2.2 The Imago Dei ( Image of God in Us)
The Smiths (1986:15) states that even though God has many ways of coming into the
world, the most effective way is through the love of a man and woman for each other.
“The Christian marriage relationship may convey God’s unconditional love; a love
that sacrifices, forgives, sustains, affirms”. When this love is shared, the kingdom of
God becomes a reality.
Guernsey (1996:26) says that the life-giver, whether mother or father, is the earliest
attachment object. According to the attachment theory he summarize that “each
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attachment style establishes an internal, relational template upon which later, adult
relationships will be forged” (Guernsey 1996:25).
This indicates that our parent’s relationship and our own relationship as parents to
children need to demonstrate the love of God. We should therefore, as human beings
in a family, demonstrate the image of God in us through our conduct and treatment of
each other.
Louw (1983:62) says the way in which a man and a woman connect in a marriage
relationship in their love towards each other must give expression to the supremacy of
God. In their conduct towards each other they should give expression and represent
God. They must give expression to God’s capacity for forgiveness.
In Christian marriage counseling, it therefore is paramount that the marriage will
build and enhance the image of God in each individual.
3.2.3 The role of the Assembly
Louw (1985:5) says that the marriage cannot be seen as separate from the assembly
(local Church). He maintains that the marriage is a smaller version of the greater
assembly. The marriage of believers therefore serves to build the people in it as part
of the greater assembly.
Louw (1983:70) says: “ The way in which a couple expresses God’s forgiveness
towards each other is a demonstration in an assembly to others of God’s forgiving
character.
In Christian thinking, the church is the body of Christ that give protection,
significance, values and guidance for life. In this regard, the church can play a role in
the therapeutic process of a couple. To some writers the local assembly can even
become involved in the marriage through education, mutual sharing, prayer and
ministry.
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3.3 What makes a happy marriage according to the Christian perspective?
Louw (1985:43) proclaims that a marriage should be focused on the honour of God.
This means that in the marriage each party should be towards each other an image of
Christ, and in their relationship mirror the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ.
The principles of love, respect and purpose seem’s to embody the thoughts of
Christian counselors, concerning that which would make a marriage happy.
• Love
Louw (1985:48-50) states that the interpretation of love can fluctuate between the
dimensions of Spiritual Idealism and pure physical bodily experience. He says that the
couple expresses God’s love for us in the way they express their love towards each
other. In this way they focus their marriage on the honour of God.
He explains that love has four aspects that are relevant to understanding its role in
marriage satisfaction, namely, “ Sexus” – sexual love; “eros” – emotional love;
“Philia”- covenant love and “agape “– self-sacrificial Love.
He sums up love as: mutual acceptance, understanding, trust and respect.
• Respect
Respect is for Louw (1985:72) the principle of respecting the other person as a
wonderful and unique human, irrespective of bodily beauty and changes that might
occur.
• Purpose
Adams (1972:43-47) states the purpose of marriage as companionship and
childbearing.
As discussed elsewhere, most Christian writers seem to agree with Louw (1983: 62)
that men and woman in marriage represent the image of God. The purpose of
marriage therefore is to express, in our conduct towards each other, God’s attributes
of love, mercy, grace, forgiveness and covenant.
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In this regard it is probably correct to agree that the purpose of marriage is the honour
of God. Happiness should then consist of attaining a level of satisfaction when one
has honoured God through one’s relationship.
3.4 The reasons for marriage problems from a Christian perspective
A and L Smith (1982:50) state that religion, sex and money are the three major issues
that need to be addressed in marriage.
Louw is adamant that the following three interconnected factors form the base of all
marriage difficulties. 1. Love factor: Where the partners do not understand what
marital love is all about. 2. Communication factor: Wrong communication and lack of
communication. 3.Maturity factor: personal immaturity and relational immaturity (
Louw 1985:22-23).
• Love
“When a couple does not understand what real love is, love loses its more permanent
characteristics of faithfulness, responsibility and sacrifice “ (Louw 1995:22).
Louw (1985:19) state’s that people do not understand the true nature of marital love.
He claims that for most people love is just an emotional experience clouded by
romantic ideals. They do not understand the responsibility factor and the purpose of
marriage. He says this happens because people usually marry too young, before they
have reached personal maturity.
• Communication
Adams (1972:28-29) states that: “a sound relationship between husband and wife is
impossible apart from good communication”. “Communication is fundamental to a
Christ-centered home, because it is the means by which a husband-wife relationship
and parent-child relationship is established, grows, and is maintained”.
He continues to explain the rules of communication, deducted from the teachings of
Paul in Ephesians 4: 25 – 32. This embodies the principles of always speaking the
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truth, not harboring resentment, not venting anger in a damaging way, and
communicating in a way that embodies and honours the biblical principles for living.
Louw (1983:87-89) sees communication as a life process that cannot be completed,
but sees it to be a sharing of love by two people. It is a mutual willingness of two
mature individuals to move closer by meeting each other halfway.
He further states that communication is an exchange of faith values through the
working of the Holy Spirit, and not just a technique that partners can learn. He says:
“we are called to communicate” ( Louw 1983:89).
Louw (1983:95) continues to explain that communication is the art of listening, and
that this process can be hindered by personal immaturity, sin , guilt, defense
mechanisms, crises and being too busy.
• Maturity
Louw (1985:32-35) says that personal maturity and religious maturity are critical keys
to a successful relationship. He believes marriage problems can be related back to the
maturity factor of the individual and the maturity of the relationship.
Louw (1983) refers to the mature relationship, as a relationship in which mutual
acceptance, mutual adaptability and a sense of responsibility towards the purpose of
marriage is paramount.
Wrong images of self and self-identity in the marriage could lead to the development
of destructive patterns of interaction between the partners. The maturity factor is also
influenced by the specific developmental phase the individual finds himself in (Louw
1983:23).
Immature relationships then result from immature people in the relationship. A person
can show maturity in other relationships, but in his emotional connection with his/her
marriage partner, the personal immaturity could result in reactive and defensive
behaviour that destroys the sense of belonging in the relationship. Maturity is
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embodied in a person who can give without receiving in turn, and a person who can
accept the other unconditionally (Louw 1985:30).
The purpose of marriage then is not first and foremost a relationship where the person
gets all his/her needs fulfilled, but rather a way of demonstrating the principles of
forgiveness and reconciliation with God.
Marriage then is seen as a calling.
The ideal relationship would then be a relationship where one exercises the principles
of forgiveness and personal growth with the guidance of the Holy Spirit of God on a
daily basis.
This seems to be confirmed by Worthington (1989: 155-178) when he says one of the
main developmental tasks of adolescence is to establish romantic and other
relationships, which reduce egocentrism as the adolescent learns to care for others. He
argues that, in most cases, this process is not completed by the time we marry, and we
therefore marry an image of the ideal person who will look after our egocentric needs.
The fundamental task of early marriage is then to learn to transcend one’s own
egocentric picture of the object of love and transform it into a true object of love.
Developing this capacity to see another person for who that person really is, proves
very important if you want to know God better and not have an egocentric
relationship with Him.
Couples connect on cognitive and spiritual levels and affect each other. In marriages
where people have not dealt with egocentric needs, this process transforms into a need
to control each other.
Reber (1995:439) describes maturity as: “ripeness; the state of adulthood, of
completed growth, of full functioning; the end of the process of maturation”.
The psychologist Bowen, from a systemic perspective, defines maturity as:
“Theoretically, a mature person is a contained emotional unit who is able to maintain
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his ego boundaries under stress without becoming involved in emotional fusions with
others” (Bowen 1978:107).
The writer regards the concept of maturity as critical to the value of this study and
will discuss it further in Chapter 4.
• Faith
For Christian counselors, the relationship of the individual with Jesus Christ is a key
factor for marriage success. They hold that from this relationship one learns to live
and relate to one’s spouse in the correct manner. It is also from one’s relationship with
Christ that one draws help with relationships.
In this regard, Louw states that maturity also has to do with maturity of one’s faith
(religious maturity). In this sense he considers that in order to be in a successful
relationship with another person one must have reached maturity in one’s personal
faith. In this sense of maturity, the principle explained in Galatians 2:20 that “I live no
more but Christ lives in me” is of utmost importance.
A marriage that is mature in faith is a value-based marriage, referring to the Christian
values of truth, forgiveness and love for one’s fellowman, etcetera.
Louw (1985:32) points out that part of the crisis in marriages is that people have
traded their faith in God for a faith in man’s own abilities and technical achievements,
which have taken away his personal security and left him in a crisis of what the sense
of living is all about. The marriage has now become the substitute for this crisis,
where people demand from their partners to compensate for this loss of security and
direction.
According to Louw, faith is a critical factor in a mature relationship. Apart from the
personal dimension of the love between a man and a woman, marriage has another
dimension which is the belief that God puts two people together. (Gen 2:22-24: and
Matt. 19:4-6). He says: “a Relationship which is mature in Faith knows that marriage
has is roots in God’s mercy, the Holy Spirit’s counseling and the PEACE love of
Christ” (Louw 1985:33).
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These principles may be true, valuable and biblical. But if these are considered as
primary to marriage success then it goes to argue that non-believers or non-committed
Christian should not be able to attain marriage success.
• Sin
Adams (1983:11) points out that sin is always the basic cause of marriage problems.
He discusses two ways in which sin manifests in the relationship, namely: “in
erroneous concepts and in sinful attitudes or practices”.
He argues that to refer to a sin as a sickness or immaturity is to lead the counselee in
the wrong direction. “To call sin ‘sickness’ or ‘immaturity’ or to use any other
psychological or sociological jargon that distorts or disguises its true nature, is to lead
yourself and your counselee astray” (Adams 1983:13).
He quotes II Tim. 3:16-17, to show that the Bible exposes and corrects these sinful
practices. He proceeds to say that the counselor must identify the marriage problem as
an error, willful sin or failure to overcome a destructive pattern.
The concept of sin will receive further attention in Chapter 4.
• Marriage roles
Wrong role expectancy, as a result of upbringing, culture and ideals is a further factor
listed as a major cause of marital difficulty ( Louw, 1985:18).
It seems that there is some degree of difference among Christians counselors in their
view of marriage roles.
Christian marriage counselors take from the Bible ( Ephesians 5:22-23; 1 Peter 3:1-
7:1; Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:23) that God the Father is the head of Jesus, who
is the head of the church and of every man. In the same manner, each man is the head
of his wife. This headship mirrors the headship of Jesus over every church. The way
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that Jesus is the head of the church is an example of how the husband should be the
head of the wife. This is seen as a position of responsibility, to the extent that the
husband must be willing to lay down his life for his wife as Jesus laid down his life
for the church (Ephesians 5:25). The husband carries the role of responsibility that
includes all aspects of family life.
Ephesians 5:22-33
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of
the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in
everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for
her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any
other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love
their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no
one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the
church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his
father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32
This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife
must respect her husband. (NIV)
The concept that the husband must be willing to lay down his life is often seen in a
spiritual and emotional way rather than a physical way, although Jesus laid down his
life literally.
Adams (1983:32) views the husband as the leader in the household, and that he is a
key person in deciding the success of a marriage.
He quotes Ephesians 5 and Genesis 2 to show that the wife must submit to the
husband, and therefore in all her doings be “Husband orientated”. He states that a
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woman must live for the husband and the man must die for his wife, as Jesus Christ
died for us (Adams 1972:87).
A strong-willed woman with a good sense of self-worth, might find this view
degrading and archaic. This could cause rebellion and resentment in her towards
Christianity ands all that it stands for.
The leadership and submission factors in marriage are strongly linked to role
expectancy in relationships, which will be discussed elsewhere.
The Friesens (1989), suggest that the concept of leadership or authority in the
marriage can be very important. They advise that the therapist should also clarify, in
his own mind, his opinion about the biblical interpretation of Ephesians Five. They
hold that Ephesians five should be read that both parties should submit to the needs of
each other out of reverence for Christ. The role of leadership should then be divided
between the partners according to gifts and talents, rather that just a position of
authority. The person with the best talent or ability in a certain area should lead that
area. They suggest that the headship role indicated in Ephesians five refers to a
spiritual position of responsibility.
The Christian writer and teacher Dr. Bruce Wilkinson (1990) holds the view that God
appoints the man as the leader of the house. This role is a spiritually assigned one and
the woman should therefore follow the man in all matters.The woman is to submit to
the leadership of the man irrespective of his abilities, character or conduct.
This view seems to be more popular amongst the more fundamentalist in Christian
circles.
The writer is of the opinion that this might be a way in which fundamentalist
Christians find a way to attain marital equilibrium without addressing issues and
without having to achieve individual and relational growth .
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This might be a source of marital strife rather than marital harmony. It might also be a
very archaic view that is more bound to the culture of the Bible than the intentions of
God. This matter requires further study.
It is clear that role expectancy and leadership roles can be a definite source of
marriage conflict. It also should be noted that there are differences in the
interpretations of what submission, authority and leadership mean in a Christian
marriage.
This subject is deemed to have specific application in this study and will therefore
receive further attention later on.
• Equals
The concept that man and woman are equal before God in their creation, but unique in
their character, is pointed out by Louw ( 1983:75). He explains that although culture
has often diminished the value of women before God, women are equal in value and
ability. He maintains that equality in marriage is important to create a mature
relationship (Louw 1983:76).
The writer agrees and sees this as a fundamental prerequisite to understanding
marriage from the biblical point of view. Failure to attain this seems to lead to marital
strife.
In some Christian circles, this view is not supported and a more traditional approach
is followed (as discussed previously).
The matter will be discussed further under problems and addressed again in Chapter 4
when the interaction with IRT is discussed.
• Over-romanticizing
Louw (1985:17) points out that over-romanticizing is a major problem in marriages.
He states that couples enter relationships with incorrect expectations. When romance
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is the number one binding force in a relationship, disappointment and disillusionment
will drive the couple apart.
• Exclusivity
Louw (1983:82) explains that the exclusive dedication of a man and a woman towards
each other both emotionally and sexually is of cardinal importance for a successful
marriage. All others must be excluded from this relationship.
• Conclusion
The sample (that will not be listed here) of what a Christian marriage retreat should
entail as given by Smith A and l (1982:38) probably gives a good summary of the
general Christian view of marriage issues.
3.5 The Methods used in Christian Marriage counseling
For Worthington (1989) marriage is a structure that involves commitment, intimacy,
effectance (the need to produce discernible effects) and forgiveness.
The biblical directives of how to deal with each of these four principles (for example,
forgiveness) are therefore paramount in Christian counseling. He argues that intimacy
and effectance are exercised most fully in marriages and family life. They will
however be exercised in different ways at different times during the family life cycle
and life stages of the individual. He maintains that change in relationship counseling
relies more on the intervention of the Holy Spirit through prayer than on techniques
(Worthington 1989:198).
Confrontation is mentioned by Wright (1981) as an important factor in a biblical
approach to couples therapy. He describes it as an extension of empathy. He gives
biblical examples of people such as King David who were confronted in a biblical
way.
Wright (1981:38) substantiates the five steps of the counseling process from the
Bible. These steps he identifies as:
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1. Building a relationship between helper en helpee;
2. Exploring the problems;
3. Deciding on a course of action;
4. Stimulating action;
5. Terminating.
Pastoral care to marriages must also include ministry to the person’s relationship with
God. Pastoral care will also endeavor to build up the individual’s faith and connect
him with God (Louw 1983:101)
Louw also points out that, advisory counseling, psychoanalytical counseling, client
orientated counseling, and relationship-orientated counseling are valuable approaches
in Christian marriage counseling. He also endorses the purpose approach, where the
counselor first establishes what the couple’s faith relationship is and then connects
the purpose of their marriage to understand the concept of covenant (Louw 1983:116-
122).
Adams (1986:10-17) deduces (from 11 Timothy 3:14-17 in the Bible) a four-step
program to effect change in counseling. He identifies them as teaching, conviction,
correction and disciplined training in righteousness.
It appears that no program or model can be coined Christian. It seems Christian
marriage counseling is a more than just a model, it has to do with teaching the couple
a way of life. In this model, Biblical values and directives are non-negotiable, and are
the guidelines along which the rest of the process happens.
There are however a few concepts that are deemed to be important and unique in
Christian marriage counseling.
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• Reconciliation and forgiveness
Two important principles in Christian marriage counseling are: unconditional
acceptance and unconditional forgiveness.
Louw (1985:11) argues that part of the purpose of marriage is that the partners should
demonstrate in their conduct towards each other the forgiving love of Jesus Christ.
This they must do, by allowing love to be a force that forgives each other
unconditionally according to the directives found in Ephesians 4: 22-23. In this sense,
the marriage should resemble the relationship of the restored sinner with Christ. My
needs should not count but only the needs of my partner. This Louw deduces from
Ephesians 2.
Ephesians 2:3-5
3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our
sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by
nature objects of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is
rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in
transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. (NIV)
Forgiveness is central to understanding marriage. He quotes Colossians 3:13-14 as an
indication that forgiveness is central to marriage success.
He links forgiveness in marriage to the relationship with Christ and states that
forgiveness in the relationship implies that a new relationship with God can restore a
deteriorated marriage relationship. The marriage partners should practice the
principles of showing mercy, grace, understanding and self-sacrifice.
Louw (1983:104) says that he chooses the reconciliation model of marriage therapy.
The couple then understands the God-given purpose of marriage, that is, to achieve
maturity of faith within the individual.
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Colossians 3:13-14
13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have
against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these
virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (NIV).
Forgiveness and reconciliation are two of the most distinctive principles of Christian
counseling. Not only are they biblical directives but they are also modeled by God
Himself to humans through His grace and forgiveness shown through the death of
Jesus.
Forgiveness is central to Christian marriages. Lack of forgiveness will therefore be
physically and biblically and im–passe to marriage healing and growth.
• The role of the Holy Spirit
Wright (1981:42) says that the Holy Spirit enabled Jesus to be effective in His
counseling. He states that the Holy Spirit has access to all materials that other
psychotherapists know and use. In addition, He has direct access to the thoughts and
feelings of the counselor. He says the counselor should become the counselee in the
presence of the Holy Spirit, and should sincerely seek honest reproval, correction and
training in righteousness which the Holy Spirit promises.
This may be the strongest distinguishing factor in Christian marriage counseling.
What makes counseling Christian is not only the involvement of biblical principles,
but the active presence and involvement of God through the working of the Holy
Spirit.
• Pre-marital preparation
Pre-marital preparation may be a very Christian concept. The Smiths (1982:46) state’s
that, Pastors who feel a keen sense of responsibility will use the opportunity to
prepare young married couples. He further states that premarital preparation is to help
the individuals, to understand themselves and their needs, their relationship and
circumstances.
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It could be argued that pre-marital preparation should be a prerequisite for a Christian
marriage. The very purpose of the church is to instruct (disciple) people in the
lifestyle of Christianity. Therefore pre-marital counseling should play a role in
learning to live in relation.
• Prayer
Most Christian counselors agree that prayer is a basic tool by means of which the
cousellor and the couple can enlist God’s help in counseling. It also is a tool to help
the counselee to focus and humble himself before God and allow the Holy Spirit to
speak into his life.
• Scripture reading
All counselors seem to agree that relevant scripture reading can act as a guiding tool
and directive in counseling.
“ For that reason the counseling that flows from the Bible is unique. Far from being
run-of-the-mill, it is unlike any other form of counseling. To put it simply, it is sacred
counseling, and it follows a sacred process of change” (Adams 1986:22).
Adams seems to favour the idea that counseling should be done directly from the
Bible, by quoting and explaining scriptures relevant to the problem or situation of the
counselee.
Although this might have strong relevance for people who come from a generation
where the search for truth is prevalent, it might be an inadequate approach to
contemporary (post modern) thinkers and people with deep psychological problems
and wounds.
Care should be taken not to adopt a narrow and simplistic approach.
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3.6 The role of the Pastor in Christian marriage counseling.
The Pastor is seen in most Christian circles as a religious authority. People will
therefore come to him and expect instruction in biblical norms (Smith A & L.
1982:48).
Adams (1983:30) argues that for a counselor to be effective in marriage counseling,
he must develop and maintain his own marriage to be holy and flourishing according
to biblical standards.
According to Adam’s thinking, this certainly raises the question of whether an
unmarried person is able, or qualified to give marriage counseling. In his view, the
counselor must be able to live and demonstrate a healthy marriage and be able to
advise and teach with his own life.
According to this view, any divorced counselors would obviously not qualify to do
marriage counseling.
It makes sense that in many church settings the pastor is viewed as a role model and
therefore his own marriage could be viewed as a model to follow. This might contain
faulty logic: if a person knows God and understands the biblical principles, this does
not guarantee absolutely that such a person would be able to create a happy marriage
with another individual over whom he does not have full control.
Worthington (1989) states, that the counselor must unite himself in a trust relationship
with the clients, where he will be able to keep their conflict under control and
influence them to heed his advice.
Christian marriage counselors are differentiated from other marriage counselors in
that they work from a biblical perspective. The Christian marriage counselor,
therefore, probably needs to be able to instruct the counselee in biblical perspectives
on certain issues. Further he needs to be open for intervention by God in his
counseling through prayer, and the Holy Spirit working in the life of the counselee.
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It must further be noted that in certain Pentecostal and charismatic circles the belief is
held that the Holy Spirit of God gives certain gifts to people to accomplish His work
in people. These gifts are described in 1 Corinthians chapter 12 and Ephesians chapter
4. The understanding is that the Holy Spirit will use the counselor to influence and
change the counselee through these supernatural gifts.
Wright (1981:38) states that empathy is of particular importance for Christian
marriage counseling. He indicates that a counselor who practices the presence of the
Holy Spirit will have more love and patience with the counselee. He will be aware of
his own feelings and emotions in the counseling process and will not allow them to
become part of the counseling process. This unconditional love will help him to
accept all people as they are and not be judgmental.
3.7 The problems of Christian marriage counseling
3.7.1 Family view
Erickson (1988) points out, that in contemporary society (Post Modernism), the
general view of the family is changing.
One needs to start re-visioning the Family life cycle that is widely used in Family
therapy. Because Christian marriage counselors rely heavily on the use of the Family
life cycle it might be important to reconsider the Family Life cycle and re-image it for
the use in contemporary society (post Modern). With such a large portion of families
now living in restructured, single-parent or multi-parent families, there might very
well be a need to look at families in a new way.
This subject would occupy a separate study.
3.7.2 Forgiveness and reconciliation
The concept that, in marriage, the parties must always forgive each other
unconditionally is drawn from the biblical concept of forgiveness, where we, as
humans have received unconditional forgiveness from Christ.
It can happen in Christian marriage counseling that the counselee is prompted to
forgive the other person without any real changes to the environment of the marriage.
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The marriage can still be an emotionally unsafe place for a person to be and live in,
but these factors could be ignored or negated by the biblical instruction.
The principle of forgiveness should perhaps not be applied blindly and rigidly, but
should be part of the whole therapy at the appropriate time. In this way, complete
healing can be obtained as well as forgiveness being received and given.
This concept will receive further attention when the application of IRT is discussed.
3.7.3 Regressive work
Wright (1981) says that Christians often reject the influence of the past on their lives,
because they associate an emphasis upon the past with Freud’s psychoanalytic
approach. He continues to point out that unmet needs in childhood become frozen
needs. These frozen needs are inevitable, and cannot be met in the present. He shows
that some marriages can be hampered because the partners have been crippled by their
past.
These difficulties of the past need to be worked through. As the marriage continues,
the partners naturally make more demands upon each other to have their needs met
and see the partner as someone to be used.
It can happen that a Christian is reluctant to look at childhood hurts and issues
between himself and his/her parents because of the biblical instruction of Exodus 20.
Exodus 20:12
12 ‘‘Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the
LORD your God is giving you.(NIV)
It might be possible that this belief can hamper a person and prevent him from
looking at his own developmental process as a person and to identify the
unresolved and uncompleted issues.
This belief and reluctance to deal with past pain could be further strengthened by the
interpretation of:
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2 Corinthians 5:17
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new
has come! (NIV).
From this scripture Christians can deduce that, when Christ comes into your life
through confession and acceptance, your past and the influence thereof will disappear
completely. People could then believe that the past, (with it hurts, pains and damaging
childhood) has been erased or least the effect thereof has been erased.
A problem can occur when a person is in denial of his own emotional pains and
unresolved emotional damage (or characterologically underdeveloped areas), because
of a spiritual belief that he has been renewed as a person.
It might be possible that this belief can hamper a person in his freedom and
responsibility to look at his own developmental process as a person and to identify the
unresolved and uncompleted issues. He can then spiritualize the problem, as well as
his personality and character shortcomings and expect God to remove them, without
going through the process of character building.
When Christian counseling is applied by means of this view, it could lead to a denial
of the true self and the feelings the person is experiencing, because of guilt created by
Christian belief. In other words, if I have been truly made a new person by Jesus
Christ then the past is in the past and I should not have these problems.
This type of view seems to be more prevalent among the more charismatic and
fundamentalist Christian counselors, who often regard prayer and laying on of hands
to be sufficient.
It might be worth noting that with some problems, you need a process rather than a
moment of healing. This can be true, because character, behavior and relational
problems develop over the period of a man’s life and should be changed over a period
of therapy.
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It is however possible that the Holy Spirit can divinely heal old wounds
instantaneously, but this can never override or separate the person from the fact that
character building is a process, even in Christianity.
3.7.4 Pre-marital Preparation
Pre-marital preparation seems to struggle with three hampering factors. The first is,
that couples in love experience a feeling of invincibility in their relationship and are
therefore not very open to learning new skills because they do not think they will need
them.
Second, most premarital preparation focuses on biblical value and principle teaching
from the Bible and most Christians seems to feel they know this.
Thirdly, most premarital preparations seem to focus on the major problems that most
marriages experience. The couple often has no experience of these problems and
therefore does not see them as relevant.
It may be necessary to devise a new way of marital preparation for Christians .This
should probably embody a process where the strengths of the relationship are used as
starting points and communication and conflict resolving skills are taught to the
couple.
3.7.5 Role Expectancy
As discussed previous, a view whereby the woman is not an equal, or whereby one of
them is superior to the other, will hamper healing and growth in the marriage.
Any suggestion that partners are not equal before God will put one in an authority
position above the other. This in turn will require that one will have more
responsibility and authority, which will inevitably lead to the denial of some the
aspects and feelings of the other person.
Linked to the issue of equality is the issue of role expectancy in the marriage.
It does not need to be proven that in every culture, certain roles are attributed to
certain sexes in the marriage relationship. Some of these roles could indicate that one
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party is considered to be of lessor value or status in the relationship for example:
when household chores are considered “woman’s work”. This is socially and
culturally dictated.
In Christian marriage counseling, this role expectancy could play an important role
with regard to the effectiveness of the counseling. If a Pastor supports the view that
certain roles are gender orientated or biblically designed, then it will influence his
counseling guidance.
When the woman in the couples counseling does not feel comfortable with these
beliefs or does not support these biblical interpretations she could feel degraded and
might even feel God discriminates against her being a woman. This fundamentalist
thinking might often disregard an individual’s longing to be valued.
In my experience, most women do not support these archaic views, even though they
are still widely professed in the church.
It must be noted that the new Testament writing of the Bible does not make room for
this archaic view and rather states that in Christ all creations are equal.
3.8 Tension Issues between biblical values and directives, and Modern
marriage perceptions in Christian Marriage counseling
3.8.1 The patriarchal cultural system in the Bible
The Bible was written in and from a patriarchal culture and era. The predominant
image from the Bible is that the man is the leader and authority figure in the family.
The rights of women and children are dependant on the husband.
In today’s world, the whole way of looking at woman has changed. With women’s
rights movements and other liberating actions, women have entered most areas in
society that were previously reserved for men. This has afforded them equal rights
under Government law. It can be argued, when you look at the world as a whole, that
the more advanced a nation has become in terms of development the more rights have
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been afforded women. The contrary also seem to be true: the less developed a nation
is, the more women are repressed and often oppressed.
The question needs to be asked whether the biblical opinions expressed about women
are culturally sensitive to the time and circumstances in which they were stated, or
whether they are absolute biblical directives that are imperative to pleasing God and
of importance to marital happiness.
Attached to the issue of a patriarchal culture in the Bible, is the equality issue between
men and women.
It is the writers view, that the biblical views expressed about woman were culturally
sensitive to the time of the Bible. When compared to the rest of the scripture it is clear
that there are no distinctions before God. Even between slave and masters, God makes
no distinction. It is therefore clear than any distinction we make between men and
women is purely cultural.
The counsellor must therefore make sure what the couple believes in this regard
before he counsels them.
3.8.2 Equals
Modern approaches to marriage counseling appear to favour the idea that for a
modern-day marriage to be successful, partners need to be equals.
There are, however, still cultures in our modern-day that distinguish between men and
women regarding social status.
Equality and submission can be viewed from different perspectives in the Bible.
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In Christian circles there are differences in interpretation of equality in marriage.
Some believe that the husband is placed in a more important and responsible position
before God. From the biblical scriptures certain Christian writers argue, that the man
is the head of the woman and therefore higher before God even if only with regard to
responsibility.
The culture in the world at the time of the writing of the New Testament seems to
have had the point of view that men are superior to women.
The Christian writer and teacher Bruce Wilkinson (1990) favours the position that
women should submit to the husband in all areas. He proclaims that the biblical
directive is that God has placed the man in an authority position, because of his
gender. He states, that the wife must be husband orientated in her daily living.
Gen 2:18
18 The LORD God said, ‘‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a
helper suitable for him.” ( NIV)
Wilkinson (1990) interprets “helper” to mean that the woman should help the man
with everything. The husband’s wishes and needs should always be the first priority
for the wife. This will create harmony and peace in the house. The wife should be
husband-orientated.
The writer is of the opinion that this type of approach is outcomes based, and that the
aim is to create a living arrangement that will ensure some level of functionality.
Some Christians try to find a way of relative peaceful family living, without allowing
or seeking equality of people in the marriage relationship. This might be a very
pragmatic way of handling relationships. It could also devalue the person of the
woman and create the perception that God created her as a lesser being.
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A problem might occur when a strongly individuated female is forced to deny her
own identity and personality and become a person that fits in with her husband’s
perceptions. True self-development cannot then be attained. It might be said that in
many marriages where there is some degree of fusion to the husband’s personality, a
part of the woman’s being will be denied and disowned. This will inevitably lead to
an unconscious power-struggle, for the true self to emerge.
It is the writer’s belief, that for people to be fully alive and growing they need to be
seen and regarded as equals. Each should have equal contribution and responsibility
in the relationship.
The helpmeet God intended the woman to be, is probably the answer to the loneliness
that a man experiences, when not emotionally connected to a “significant other”. We
are created as relational beings and our inner desire is to be connected and to live in
connection. Every man and woman carries the desire to be connected to another.
3.8.3 Becoming one - leaving and cleaving
An understanding of the term “ becoming one “ might be important to erase possible
conflict between modern-day thinking and biblical directives.
Certain Christian approaches favour the interpretation of Matthew 19:5-6, that of two
people becoming one. This should be interpreted that they are thinking alike, have the
same value system, and desire the same things in life.
Matthew 19:5-6
5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (NIV)
Genesis 2:24
24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (NIV)
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The Holy Spirit is sometimes involved as an agent who will establish this process.
It is possible that this can lead to a fusion type of relationship in some Christian
marriages. Fusion means that individuality is sacrificed and that the two individuals
endeavour to be alike in their personalities.
The writer believes that this could be detrimental to the individual’s personal growth
in relationships. The relationship will also not grow but become stuck in a process
where each partner fights for his/her rights and needs.
It must be of the utmost importance to have a clear view of the biblical comment “ the
two will become one…” . To the writer, this scripture refers to the type of relationship
one should have with the spouse. The spouse should become the “significant other”.
The relationship of trust, sharing, growing and intimacy one has with the parent must
move to the spouse.
Space does not permit a full discussion of this notion.
4. Summary
Christian counselling is an approach that would probably only appeal to people who
are Christians or orientated to Christian beliefs.
It has also become clear that there is a group of people in Christian circles who would
only go to a Pastor for emotional and psychological help. People in this group show
some reluctance to go to helping professionals who do not visibly associate
themselves with Christianity or work from a Christian perspective.
The approach of Christian Marriage appears to be more value-based, rather than being
a specific technique or any therapeutic process.
The Bible with its values, principles and directives, is held as the guiding tool for
Christians. The counselling is therefore more of a lifestyle orientation than just mere
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counselling. In all of the processes, the lifestyle that God dictates is what the aim and
focus would be.
God plays a major role in Christian marriage counselling through His involvement
with the Holy Spirit and the Bible.
The principle that marriage is a mirror of the relationship God has with people, is of
major importance.
Christian Marriage Counselling is not without its problems, or challenges, but seems
to fulfil an important role in the helping professions.
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Chapter 4
THE INTERACTION BETWEEN IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY AND
CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELLING
4.1 How do the aims of IRT blend with the aims of Christian marriage
counseling ?
IRT aims to create a safe space between the partners so that the individual can let go
of defensive behaviors. It further aims to change the marriage to a relationship where
the individual can grow as a person and heal from past emotional wounds. This is
achieved by the use of certain techniques as explained earlier.
Christian marriage counseling wishes to help the individual to understand the higher
purpose of marriage. It uses a cognitive approach of biblical instruction and
counseling to help the individual gain insight into destructive and unbiblical behavior.
Through prayer and the working of God’s spirit, it brings change.
These aims can be seen to be in harmony with each other as they both aim to help the
couple change.
It must be noted that IRT is a systems-based approach that seems to steer away from
pathology, and rather aims to enlighten the individual as to his/her role in marriage
problems.
In this regard, the two approaches can be mutually beneficial as Christian counseling
also keeps the individual responsible for his/her own reactions and roles in marriage.
4.2 Departure points
• Value systems
The IRT approach to marriage problems is focused on the developmental stages and
developmental processes of the individual. It proposes that marriage problems are in
part due to the underdeveloped individual’s inability to contain (emotionally hold) the
full person of another. It shows that individuals react to one another on an emotional
level, which dictates and shapes their behaviour. It is a purely psychological
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approach. There are elements of behavior therapy and various other processes woven
into it.
Christian marriage counseling proceeds from a biblical value base. The Bible is the
foundation of the belief system. The principles of covenant, mirroring God’s love and
forgiveness, as well as honoring God through one’s relationship is paramount.
• Systems Theory
Christian marriage counseling also sees the marriage as a system created and
instituted by God. The needs and personal opinions of the individual are subject to
the higher call of marriage as explained elsewhere.
IRT also uses a systems approach in that it is tries to change the “space” or system of
the couple to become a healing environment.
These two approaches might be complementary to each other and their possible
interaction will now be discussed..
4.3 Notable differences between IRT and Christian marriage counseling
4.3.1 Therapeutic processes
Imago is a non-pathological approach and therefore does not try to identify and name
the problems that occur within a specific couple. Rather it will allow the partners to
discover their own patterns of disruptive behavior. It will then lead the couple through
a series of processes that will help them change these patterns to eliminate and
dissolve the disruptive problems.
Christian marriage counseling, on the other hand, follows the pattern of most
therapeutic processes where the therapist identifies the main problems of marriage
strife between the couple. The Pastor or Counselor then recommends changes or
advises the couple on the alterations they need to make. The Pastor or Counselor will
typically then minister to the couple on the spiritual level in order to help them with
their emotional and physical relationship.
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Although the two approaches differ in process there is no incompatibility between the
two, and they might be complementary towards each other.
The use of IRT in Christian marriage counseling might be very beneficial when
working with contemporary (post modern) people and people who are on the upper
levels of leadership and self actualization (referred to as mosaic or level seven of
human development). People moving in this type of environment do not like to be
told what to do and might be reached more effectively through a mentoring process
than through pathology process (Armour & Browning 2000:297-310).
The systems theory will not be discussed here.
4.3.2 Maturity versus personal hurts
As discussed in Chapter 3, maturity is an important aspect. Louw probably embodies
the Christian view on immaturity when he says that immaturity in marriage and
immaturity in the person, are critical factors in creating marital problems. He also
argues that people adopt and assume wrong marriage roles because of immaturity. He
says that the negative and destructive patterns of reaction in a relationship are always
due to the person’s own immature relationship with God, or personal immaturity
(Louw 1985:32-35).
Immaturity is then referred to as a negative character trait that needs to be adjusted by
the individual after cognitive therapy, and a reprimand and re-emphasizing of the
biblical directives. Confession and an expressed desire and promise to change is often
associated with this approach. God is asked to help the person with this problem.
The IRT approach would agree that immaturity is a major factor in marriage strife.
Immaturity would be looked upon as the result of unfulfilled childhood needs and
incomplete personal growth. The particular person might not have had the right
environment (relationship with primary caretakers) in which to complete the personal
development stages. These unfinished tasks, in each stage, then become frozen and
the person has adapted his behavior to survive emotionally. These adaptations then
become permanent behavior patterns of the adult individual.
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The question that needs to be asked is: Are the wrong and destructive patterns of
actions and reactions in a relationship referred to as immaturity, the signs and
symptoms of an immature and un-differentiated person, rather than willful
immaturity? Another question is, when does such behavior constitute sin?
It can be argued that what is condemned as immaturity, is the adaptations of an un-
differentiated person that became set patterns of wrong and destructive behavior.
This idea might have specific relevance to marriage relationships.
When a person is emotionally connected to another person (as in marriage), he will
seek to finish his own undeveloped person and unconsciously press the “significant
other” in his life to help him/her to heal from past pain and personal issues. When this
person cannot or does not give him/her what he/she needs to complete this process,
the person will react from an emotional level and negative reactive patterns might
develop.
The standard Christian approach about immaturity might sometimes be convicting
rather than therapeutic, and therefore might foster a negative process of fusion
between partners where one attaches or fuse to the other to make the marriage
survive.
Alternatively, this approach could lead to a negation of one partner’s frustrations in an
attempt to create harmony and obey biblical instruction. This could in turn develop
guilt in the couple (for not being able to make the relationship work), without
understanding the underpinnings of their behavior.
Negative behavior often is a process of the psyche that cries for emotional safety and
containment by a significant other, in order to facilitate personal healing and growth.
Immaturity could then be seen, not as various undesirable behavioral patterns, but
rather natural (undesirable) reactions to other people, performed by an immature and
undifferentiated person.
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When the focus is on problems, and negative problem behavior between the couple,
(as is often the case in Christian marriage counseling), this view can easily be
overlooked.
The use of IRT in Christian Counseling can be an invaluable tool to facilitate the
growth needed after revelation and identification of problems and negative behaviour
in marriage. IRT can be used as a therapy process to change the atmosphere and
dynamics of the interaction between the partners in a positive manner, and in so doing
create a safe environment in which the individual persons can relax and let go of
defensive habits (often referred to as immature behaviour) and focus on personal
growth.
This need not ignore the fact that negative behavior is condemned in Christian
understanding, but will balance that as part of the healing and growth process.
4.3.3 Sin versus childhood wounds and adaptations
In Chapter 3, sin is considered to be a major factor in marriage problems. An example
of this is that, extramarital affairs are seen as a major sin that will destroy a Christian
marriage and even validate divorce.
Virkler (1992:9) shows through a study that there are ten main reasons why affairs
happen in marriages. He points out that lust (which the Bible says is a sin) is seldom
one of them. In his view, affairs usually happen because a partner feels disconnected
from his/her spouse and finds emotional support and comfort from someone else. This
sometimes leads to a romantic and often sexual affair.
Bowen’s theory of triangulation discussed elsewhere in this chapter supports this
view.
This strengthens the concept of IRT that an affair is a search for connection and an
exit out of an unhappy relationship. In the view of IRT, people adapt to emotional
pain such as childhood wounds (discussed in chapter 2), rejection, neglect and abuse.
They then progress into adaptative behavior in order to survive what they perceive in
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the unconscious as life-threatening situations. These adaptations become patterns in
their life.
As the example of affairs shows, Christian marriage counseling often seems to find
itself pointing out the sin that a person is doing (for example, having an affair), but is
unable to explain the deeper psychological reasons for the need behind such behavior.
Adams is seen to be a particular strong voice in this regard.
The SIN that a person in a marriage is committing is often a symptom, or a reaction,
to a deeper emotional pain and unfulfilled natural human desires. It can also be seen
as a way of getting the other’s attention focused on the problem.
The words used by Virkler (1992:16) could be a good summary of the interaction that
should occur between Christian counseling and psychotherapy, “As believers we
cannot condone the sinful sexual acting out of Christians with histrionic, narcissistic,
or borderline behavior. Yet we also should be aware that their personality
development may be traced to factors other than personal sinfulness alone.”
One does not want to condone sinful behavior (such as affairs) as acceptable. The
biblical standards of living should be adhered to and counselors should not be afraid
to point that out.
From a Christian counselor perspective, there might be a void in the program of IRT
when working with wrong, destructive or sinful behavior. There is great personal
healing, responsibility and growth in the asking and receiving of forgiveness from
God. This act removes the guilt feeling and allows the person to start afresh.
It is clear that Christian counselors often leap to the conclusion of sinful behavior and
focus on that as the problem. Although this might be justified from a Christian
perspective, it can miss the underlying reason and needs of that person as an
individual.
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By finding a harmony between the two approaches, where the person can ask
forgiveness when he/she has taken ownership of his behavior, the counselor might
well be able to stop projection and blaming for behavior as well as removing the guilt.
4.3.4 Feelings, wrong behavior and the belief system
There might be some conflict between IRT and Christian marriage counseling in the
area of behavior and feelings.
IRT holds the view that feelings (good or bad) are neither wrong nor right. Feelings
are rather a natural result or response by the individual to connection or disconnection
with another person. It is not the feeling that must cognitively be changed by the
individual, but rather the context of the living space or the marriage environment.
The unchristian actions such as dishonoring and discarding of the true experiences of
a partner, are the things that must be changed. When the marriage context changes,
connection on emotional spiritual and cognitive level will happen and the feelings will
develop and change accordingly.
It is the writer’s belief that if one follows the problem or issue approach, the list will
be never-ending. The focus in marriage work should rather be centered on the
personality of the individual, looking at the individual’s belief system, life views, self-
image and interpersonal skills. These might be keys in learning to handle the issues of
life and marriage, as opposed to evaluating and making a clinical assessment of the
person and his behavior.
Because an Imago Therapist is more of a coach (guide) than a counselor or teacher, it
might be important to look at the concept of instruction.
From a Christian counselor’s perspective, it might be imperative to counsel the person
from the Bible when the counselor discovers that the person might have a wrong or
unchristian belief system that could influence his /her thinking or behavior in a
negative way. Care would have to be taken by the counselor in this process. The
counselor could easily transfer his own personal interpretations and personal issues
onto the counselee, or run the risk of being triangulated into the relationship.
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Although the writer believes in biblical instruction, he would rather advise that the
couple use the dialogue technique and discuss their views to develop their belief
system. The counselor could lead them to ask the Holy Spirit of God to be a guide in
this process, and could lead them with the correct (inspired) sentence stems to find the
truth.
4.3.5 Forgiveness and reconciliation
In the previous chapter, the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation in Christian
counseling has been discussed. The concept that in marriage, the parties must always
forgive each other unconditionally is drawn from the biblical concept of forgiveness,
where we, as humans, have received unconditional forgiveness from Christ.
It can happen in Christian marriage counseling that the counselee is prompted to
forgive the other person without any real changes to the environment of the marriage.
The marriage can still be an emotionally unsafe place for a person to be and live in,
but these factors could be negated by biblical instruction.
When the unconscious survival and protective instincts (that God has given us to help
us survive emotionally), is not taken into account when forgiveness is dealt with, the
problem can recur. The couple can feel forced to forgive each other, disregarding the
concepts of inner pain and frustration. If change is not a feasible option, the person
would feel compelled to forgive, knowing instinctively that he/she will be hurt again
in the trapped environment.
If someone is acting from a position of pain, that pain must be resolved by changing
the environment of the relationship when forgiveness is introduced as an instruction.
It could happen that the Christian act of forgiveness becomes a mere overriding and
negating of the pain and inner wounding.
Thus a person can be ignoring and disowning his own pain and emotional hurt
because of his strong value system (based on the Bible). Such a person acts according
to what he/she believes to be the right thing to do.
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Where would this unresolved pain, anger and resentment go? It is most likely that it
will be pushed into the unconscious to later manifest as sickness or other
psychological behavior. Most often, desperation and resentment grows from these
conditions.
However, the value of the biblical act of forgiveness cannot and should not be denied.
In my view the two should go hand in hand. Mere forgiveness without the hope of
change will lead to desperation and the feeling of being trapped.
On the other hand, without the act of forgiving, the trespasses and guilt from the past
will be a ghost that influences the present. It is important for humans to deal with the
past. The act of forgiveness has a healing value.
It might also be important to note that no marriage can be fixed. Because it comprises
humans, there will always be a need to forgive. Nobody is perfect. Forgiveness should
therefore be taught as a lifestyle.
IRT says in this regard that a marriage is a growth process, the therapy and a journey.
The counselor will do well to teach the partners to handle their conflict, resolve their
pain and learn to forgive each other on a continual basis. This will be in line with the
biblical belief that God forgives humans for their wrongful behavior on a continual
basis.
The value of the act of forgiveness will be discussed again when harmony between
IRT and Christian counseling is discussed.
4.3.6 Regressive work
The therapeutic part of IRT is built on regressive work. The processes are designed to
help the individual understand his own childhood environment and personal
adaptations thereto.
Chapter 3, has shown that some Christians might be reluctant to do regressive work
because of biblical beliefs and interpretations.
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Christian counselors themselves might have reservations about regressive work with a
client as a result.
It might be important for a Christian marriage counselor to understand the theories of
attachment and differentiation, as well as the influence of childhood experiences, in
order to help the counselee find healing within his faith.
Although IRT and Christian marriage counseling might seem to differ on this
approach there can be great harmony. A person can for example discover his wrong
(undesirable) behavior adaptations because of childhood hurts and then confess the
sinful or unbiblical behavior that he has fallen into.
To look at childhood hurts and deficits in the childrearing process is then not to blame
the parents but to take responsibility for who you are. This process of responsibility is
in service of growth. This might put the person into a place where he is able to grow
characterologically because of the fact that Christ has made him a new person.
The processes of IRT therefore seem to be specifically beneficial in facilitating “inner
healing”, without the need for the counselee to spend time with the parents in therapy
to heal the past.
4.3.7 Equality
This subject might reguire further discussion, because when one person is not seen as
an equal in a relationship the concepts of individuation and differentiation (discussed
elsewhere) will be severely hampered.
As shown in Chapter 3, there are some Christian counselors who hold that God has
created us in specific gender roles and positions. Some of these roles do not give true
recognition to the idea that both parties in a relationship are equals.
IRT approaches marriage and relationships as a relationship of equals, and holds that
no real progress can be made until marriage is viewed as such.
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When IRT is used in Christian marriage counseling, it will automatically foster
individuation and separation. Equality will be a natural outflow of these processes.
If there is an underlying belief that people are not equals, tension within the marriage
will increase because of the therapy. The counselor himself will become
uncomfortable if he supports this belief.
This can be a source of conflict between IRT and Christian marriage counseling, if
the counselor departs from the point of view that the partners are not equal. The
Counselor will have to establish his own personal views and that of his clients, if IRT
is to be considered as a technique.
4.4 Areas of harmony and enhancement
4.4.1 Ministering and prayer
It is possible that IRT is deficient in the area of ministering to the couple.
IRT holds that the therapist is a coach that does not enter the “space” between the
partners, and rather facilitates the processes between them. This entails that the
therapist never directly intervenes or directs the couple into a preconceived place or
belief. No bond of healing forms between the therapist and client, as in psycho-
therapy or many other forms of therapy. The healing and growth come from the bond
that is formed between the couple. The short-coming of this is that the therapist might
never get an opportunity to address wrong behavior or patterns but only guides the
couple in this discovery. He then never directs, reprimands or corrects the individual.
The writer believes that the Christian concept of ministering through prayer and
scripture is a powerful tool in Christian counseling, as it brings God and His power
into the process.
A Christian counselor who uses Imago as a tool, should lead the partners to minister
to each other in prayer after counseling, or at the end of each session. Couples can
also be asked individually to pray for themselves in the presence of the partner. In
addition couples could ask God to help them with decisions and changes decided
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upon during therapy. The counselor could then also minister to them in prayer after
they have made their discoveries.
This will strengthen the marriage as a place of healing, and create a pattern where the
partners can minister to each other without the presence of a therapist/ Pastor.
4.4.2 Forgiveness
IRT can probably be used as a powerful tool when the marriage partners rediscover
their own contributions to marital strife. The IRT process of “the making amends
dialogue” can be an excellent tool to help an individual in a relationship, to own his
contributions to marriage difficulties. This tool will help the couple to absorb wrong
behaviour towards each other, but at the same time facilitate healing and bringing the
couple emotionally closer together.
My suggestion is that the counsellor should, after doing the IRT “ making amends
dialogue”, lead the “ sender” (the one owning the wrong behaviour) to ask forgiveness
from God in the presence of the counsellor and partner. He/she could also ask God to
guide him in the changes he/ she wants to make.
4.4.3 Being an example of Christ’s love and forgiveness
By the use of IRT safe-space creation, the couple can re-create the safety that exits for
the individual with God. The space with God is the place where you can just be with
God who you really are (without pretending) and get His guidance and direction to
develop.
The Christian concept that in marriage the couple should recreate the forgiveness of
God can be enhanced by the use of IRT. When the couple creates a safe place for each
other, through the dialogue processes and the safety concepts, they will be able to
mirror God’s forgiveness to each other. This will help them to grow to fullness. They
will also create a safe haven for their children to live in, and experience God’s
forgiveness and grace through their parents.
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4.4.4 Becoming each other’s healer and safe place
The Biblical concept that a man must be willing to die for his wife and submit to her
needs and desires (as discussed previously) applies. The unconscious desire of every
person is to grow and be all of that which God has made that person to be.
In normal relationships we are guided by our unconscious desire to be accepted. The
fear of rejection governs our thinking, with the hope of fulfilling the unconscious
expectation of the partner. When the individual can let go of the unconscious desire to
be all that the other person wants them to be, he/she can show their true self. When
one is freed from the fear of rejection, one will be able to explore what God wants one
to be.
Through IRT, Christian counsellors can help married Christians to develop their
relationship into a safe haven where the individual can explore all the possibilities of
personal growth and development. In such an ideal environment, the person will be
able to heal and outgrow all emotional blockages, and unlock all of what God has put
in them. This will be possible if the person is in a relationship where there is no fear
of being rejected when he/she explores and reveals all that is within them.
The use of IRT can then help the counsellor not only to correct problems in marriage,
but to direct it on a new path of growth and development.
Another aspect that could be considered is that of spiritual growth. A person needs to
relate his spiritual experiences to another to be able to integrate them as part of his/her
being and patterns. IRT can be used as a tool to help the couple become such a safe
haven where the partners can explore their faith and spiritual growth, in and through
dialogue.
4.4.5 Communication
It was shown previously that all Christian counselors regard good communication as
imperative to having a successful relationship. Almost all regard the lack of, or poor
communication, as the principal cause of marital strives.
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It has been argued that humans are relational beings. We get hurt and healed in
relationships.
Communication is the major tool through which we relate and all other methods
becomes secondary. It therefore makes sense to spend the majority of counseling time
in teaching the couple this skill.
In Christian counseling, however, couples are taught how to communicate with each
other in a way that will be biblical, and to show the respect that the bible says we
should have for each other.
This is a value based approach, which appears to have the underlying belief that, “ if
you communicate in a biblical way it will help you”. As shown in Chapter 3, the
biblical principles of always speaking the truth, not harboring resentment, not venting
anger in a damaging way, and communicating in a way that embodies and honours the
biblical principles for living are held up as keys to successful communication.
This statement is supported with the words of Louw, that communication is an
exchange of faith values through the working of the Holy Spirit, and not just a
technique that partners can learn. He says: “we are called to communicate” ( Louw
1983:89).
However, communication is not simply an exchange of values but in essence a skill
and technique. This principle has been proven by the business world, which spends
endless amounts of money in teaching staff to communicate effectively.
From the writer’s experience in private practice and as shown in case studies,
effective communications techniques will bring the couple closer. When partners have
mastered a specific technique of communication their values and beliefs will be
exchanged.
IRT has an excellent tool to offer in the “basic couple dialogue”, one that will give
Christian counselors a tool to help the partners communicate.
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This tool will then facilitate healing, growth and understanding for each other,
because lack of communication has been erased as a problem factor.
This subject will receive further attention later, when applications are considered.
4.5 The dynamics of being one in Christ in marriage and facilitating personal
growth
A significant area of enhancement between IRT and Christian counselling is in the
area of understanding and fostering the process of personal individuation while
building the marriage as a unity of two people (individuals) before God.
4.5.1 Becoming one - leaving and cleaving
The Christian concept of unity in marriage is very strong. It is possible that in some
Christian circles, fusion (negative union) between the partners is encouraged by the
concept of being one in marriage.
The writer’s counseling experience has shown that, based on Matthew 19:5-6 “the
two will become one”, many Christian couples believe, that a union with a God-
appointed life partner, will complete their own person.
Matthew 19:5-6
5 And said, for this reason a man will leave his father and mother, and be
united to his wife: and the two will become one flesh? 6 so they are no longer
two, but one. “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not
separate”.(NIV)
Genesis 2:24
24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave
unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.(King James)
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This point is illustrated by the popular way people refer to their partners as their
“other half or better half”. It appears that Christians favour the interpretation of
Matthew 19:5-6 ( two people becoming one) to be interpreted that they are thinking
alike, have the same value system, desire the same things in life and generally agree
on everything.
This underlines the widely accepted belief that a happy marriages is a marriage where
people are similar and alike.
The Holy Spirit is sometimes brought in as an agent who will establish this process of
unity.
Christians seem to interpret this concept to mean that God has designated one perfect
person in the world that will complete the person of the other. The personalities and
abilities of the individuals will then be complementary and will enhance the other.
This again can lead to a fusion type of relationship in some Christian marriages. In a
fused relationship, one partner disappears. In such relationships, the unconscious
desire to be separate is hampered by the longing to belong, and to be accepted into a
relationship where one can grow. People do not always consciously understand that
they need to be separate in a safe and connected environment. On an unconscious
level, this creates a power-struggle between the partners, where each of them will
fight to be accepted, while longing to be seen as an individual.
Bowen refers to this as the process of differentiation by an individual within a family.
“A person with a high level of differentiation of self, or identity, or individuality, is
one who can be emotionally close to others without emotional fusions or loss of self,
or loss of identity, because he has attained a higher level of differentiation of self”.
(Bowen 1978:109).
Bowen has shown that most people have some undeveloped tasks of individuation.
Because of this, a person will look to the other (significant person) in their life for
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significance, value and validation. Individuation is the process of becoming an
individual who is aware of his or her individuality (Reber 1995).
Individuation is described by Aylmer (1986: 145) as “ Independent functioning and
responsibility for one’s own behaviour”.
Imago sees this as the unconscious of an individual identifying the other person as a
person with the same developmental deficiencies but with complementary
adaptations, and thus longs for it (this is referred to as the disowned and denied self).
An understanding of the term “ becoming one “ might be important to facilitate
interaction between IRT as a personal growth tool in relationships and biblical
directives.
The Imago approach, drawing from the theories of Bowen, proposes that marital
happiness can occur when individuation and differentiation occurs within the
individual. “Couples therefore marry a person with the same level of differentiation
and are to a lesser or greater degree fused with the other in early marriage”. (Bowen
1978:109)
It seems that individuation and differentiation, have become important aspects of
individual counselling , and might be important for successful mature relationships.
The biblical concept of being one therefore is not to fuse with another, but to connect
on a level where you can live in one marriage, one household, and one set of values to
create an environment for the raising of children .
Being one is to connect emotionally, spiritually and physically to another person, who
has become your significant other.
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4.5.2 Individuation and differentiation
Separateness and closeness have been established as a problem area when one
examines the relationship as a system.
Bowen’s theories, that problematic families are “families who are stuck together
emotionally”, might be important when we examine Christian marriage counseling.
Bowen defines problems as disorders of the emotional system of the individual,
manifested in the systems an individual finds himself in. Some of the ways that an
emotional system manifests itself are through triangulation, family projection and
multi-generational transmission.
• Triangulation
In short, triangulation means that in a relationship the couple will co-opt a third party
into the dyad and put pressure on the third party to act out a role that will perpetuate
and stabilize the two-person system.
Often, the counselor will be triangulated by the couple into a role that perpetuates the
problem. If the counselor resists these pulls, and forces the couple to keep the problem
between them, it will help the partners to differentiate from each other and other
family members.
• Differentiation
Differentiation means that a person can distinguish between feeling processes and
intellectual processes (Worthington, 1989: 335).
Differentiation can also be described as the process of becoming emotionally
independent. It includes the ability to express one’s own opinions and feelings while
at the same time listening to others and remaining emotionally connected (Wright
1998:40).
In a relationship, this means that the intellect is governing the emotional system of the
couple.
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• Projections
Projection is when one person experiences feelings and then project these feelings
onto others around him. This is due to a lack of personal insight and ability to take
ownership for personal negative feelings.
“Family projections, as theorized by Bowen, are ways that a family system creates
symptomology in a child. Family–of–origin difficulties, unresolved by parents,
results in parent-child relations that are either over-involved (either through criticism
or smothering) or characterized by emotional cut-off. Psychological or behavioral
symptoms of the child maintain the disturbed parent-child relationship and prevent the
parents from resolving their family-of–origin issues” (Worthington 1989:334).
• Application to Christian marriage counseling
It is possible that when people become adults and they have not resolved their
triangulation patterns of the childhood environment, they will recreate those patterns
in their own families. It also seems that the lower families are on the intellectual and
developmental level, the more fused and symbiotic they are. They repeat these
patterns in their own marriages and families.
Couples who have not been able to complete the processes of differentiation and
individuation will inevitable fuse with their marriage partner to some degree. They
will then be unconsciously frustrated by that partner.
This can happen because they will project the feelings of unworthiness and
incompleteness on their partner and blame their partner’s behavior and marriage
conduct as the source of their own frustrations.
In Christian marriage counseling, it is therefore quite likely that the values of being
one in Christ and being one in faith could unintentionally enhance those unconscious
feelings of a loss of self in the individual who is already struggling with this. This can
result in the person building up an unconscious resentment towards Christianity as a
force which perpetuated the loss of self through the values promoted.
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It might therefore be very important in Christian marriage counseling first to develop
a sense of self and a sense of individual importance to God, before attempting to
introduce the values of being one in Christ. The person must therefore first find
himself in God, before he can connect with another in a covenant relationship in
Christ.
It seems clear that in order for a person to be successful in relationships, each
individual first has to learn to be separate from others and be happy with him/herself.
One has to learn to be integrated and grounded in one’s own relationship with God.
Then one can connect with another person and allow him/her to be, and allow oneself
to be.
Differences and conflicts of actions, opinions, values and approaches do not separate
us, but rather give’s us opportunities to appreciate this separateness. This gives one
the ability to connect with another in that person’s uniqueness.
A major aim in the techniques and therapy processes of IRT is to force separateness
and individuation in the couple. Connection is then fostered from this place of
strength.
The techniques of IRT can be used in Christian marriage counseling to establish a
sense of self. They can be used to help the person clarify his personal faith in God
and establish a sense of self and personal security, through the dialogue process. From
this place of personal strength, the person can then connect to the marriage partner as
an individual who knows what he/she believes and why.
The processes of Imago can facilitate the forming of a true self identity, and divine
purpose for the individual, within the marriage, without destroying the biblical
directives for marriage. This can be achieved by letting the person speak about his
faith, beliefs, purpose and identity in a controlled situation, while being held
emotionally by the marriage partner through mirroring techniques. The Holy Spirit
can be invited by the individual, through prayer, to help the individual to discover
God’s will and purpose while he/ she is exploring.
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It is then possible to develop divine purpose and guidance for the marriage through
the use of the “ relationship vision building” techniques of IRT.
The following sentence stems could possibly be used by the counselor in such a
dialogue: “What I believe about …”
“ How that influence my relationship with you is …”.
4.6 Interaction between IRT and Christian Marriage counselling with regard
to personal growth
In the child phase of life, one exist’s in relationship with the parent who is the
“significant” other. In relationship with this person, one goes through the
developmental stages of childhood and develops a sense of self in that intimate and
safe relationship. Through the years of childhood, one develops from a fused
(attached) relationship to being a separate and integrated individual.
When one marries, that person must become the significant other in one’s life. This
embodies the biblical concept of leaving your mother and father and clinging to your
spouse. This “significant other person” should then fulfil the role of being a safe place
for you, so you can be who you are and develop yourself. You therefore must leave
you parents and cling to your spouse, in order to become one. This must not be a
process of fusion but a relationship of healing where differentiation and personal
growth is facilitated through the relationship.
“People select spouses who have identical basic levels of differentiation of self. When
the well-differentiated person marries a spouse with an equally high level of
differentiation of self, the spouses are able to maintain clear individuality, and at the
same time to have a comfortable non-threatening emotional closeness with each
other”(Bowen 1978:108).
The IRT aim of developing maturity, promoting a space for differentiation and
individuation is therefore and excellent tool to use in Christian marriage counseling. It
will enhance the idea that every individual is responsible for his/her own life before
God. It will also help the couple to understand that the marriage is given by God as a
gift to help one to grow and heal and not as the rescue for personal incompleteness.
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It is important to note that IRT then sees a marriage not as something than can or
should be fixed, but rather that marriage is the therapy.
Christian marriage counseling could therefore harmoniously use IRT to change the
marriage from a place where the individual seeks fulfillment from the partner to a
relationship where the individual sees his/ her partner as the God-appointed healer.
The partner then moves from the object of frustration to the place of partner in growth
and healing.
4.6.1 Covenant
The strong concept of covenant in a marriage can be in harmony with IRT.
In Christian counseling, the concept of covenant goes a lot further than the concept of
an unbreakable bond. It should always embody the full covenant concept as given
between God and mankind. The concept of covenant means that we are bonded to
each other as protector and helpmeet.
When in this covenant one sees the other person’s need for healing, and one should
reach out and help. In this way you will mirror man’s covenant with God.
IRT can enhance this idea through the proposal that the marriage becomes the
therapy. One enlists the help of one’s partner and the safety of one’s relationship as
tools to facilitate one’s own healing and growth. Instead of the partner being
somebody who demands his/her rights in the relationship, this person becomes your
safe place and the one who creates a healing environment for you. In this process the
partner will develop empathy for the other. He will become the other’s healer.
This will blend with the biblical concept of the marriage covenant, that the individual
must and should feel safe with his/her marriage covenant partner and that we should
be each other’s helpmeet.
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Ephesians 5:21
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (NIV)
The interpretation of Ephesians could be that we must submit to each other’s needs,
just as Christ submitted to our need of having to be saved. In the same way
individuals in marriage must be willing to submit to each other’s need. In this regard,
a man should be willing to die for his wife and a woman must be willing to live for
her husband (Adams 1983).
There appears to be harmony with IRT in this regard, as the aim of IRT is that
partners must become each other’s helper in the process of healing and growth.
As the partners help each other and they grow personally, the individual will become
stronger and therefore the value of covenant becomes greater. Imago can enhance this
concept by fostering individuation.
4.7. The role of the Pastor as Christian counselor and IRT
4.7.1 Triangulation
Kerr and Bowen (1988:134-162) argue that triangulation is a natural process of
systems, in that a dyad will always triangulate a third person in to re-establish the
balance or equilibrium in the dyad. This triangle forms when the tension between the
couple becomes too intense or too distant.
This is of significance for relationship therapy in that it is possible that many
Christian counselors allow themselves to become part of the triangle of the couple.
The counselor is invariably drawn in as a religious expert that must give spiritual and
marital guidance to the couple. He becomes the expert who must fix their relationship
problems and personal issues. He feels their pain and supports them from his natural
role as Pastor and counselor. This will make him part of their triangle.
The techniques taught by Imago can be of great help for Christian marriage
counselors in that the therapist moves from an expert, to the role of a guide or coach.
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The couple must work on their own relationship and take responsibility for it. They
are constantly forced by the therapist to take personal responsibility for their feelings
and actions. Whenever one of the parties involves the therapist, requesting his opinion
or advice, he could mirror the question and direct the other partner to answer the
question.
By not becoming part of the triangle (emotionally and therapeutically) the therapist
actually de-triangulates the partners and forces them to form a strong dyad. This may
feel emotionally wrong for the therapist, but by not becoming part of their process he
forces them to emotionally contain each other, because he as the therapist does not
contain them. This will result in an emotional connection between them.
“The emotional problem between two people will resolve automatically if they remain
in contact with a third person who can remain free of the emotional field between
them, while actively relating to each” (Bowen 1971:196).
It needs to be said that couples who have uncompleted attachment issues may not
benefit from the use of IRT in Christian counseling and will need to be contained and
supported by the therapist/counselor until their attachment development has been
completed to such an extent that they can acknowledge the needs of the other and
contain them.
4.7.2 Coach versus minister
As discussed earlier, IRT might lack in the area of ministry to the couple. Christian
counseling might lack in the area of method.
A Pastor/Counselor using IRT will then have to be very conscious of these differences
in approach and techniques. He will have to learn to switch between a coach and
minister.
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4.7.3 Beliefs and departure points
As shown earlier, Christian counseling appears to show some differences in the
interpretation and application of certain biblical expressions.
The Pastor or therapist will therefore have to be mindful of his own opinions as well
as those of the counselees. He needs to be aware that people’s opinions and beliefs
will influence their thinking and actions. A balance should come between his own
interpretations linked to his role as expert and Pastor, and that of his role as therapist
who guides and mentors the couple.
4.8 Conclusion
After examination, it appears that IRT and Christian marriage counseling both have
areas of deficiency.
IRT is a psychological approach and Christian marriage counseling is a biblical
approach.
IRT is void of personal ministry by the counselor to the couple or the individuals in
the marriage. This is in order to prevent triangulation and to force the couple to form a
strong dyad. The counselor also does not direct the counseling process in a specific
direction but allows it to develop where the couple leads.
Christian marriage counseling, on the other hand, seems to lack in the area of process.
The aim seems to be focused on the desired results, rather than the processes of how
to get there. Christian marriage counseling starts with the desired end result and uses
biblical instruction and God’s help to change the couple.
It seems possible and desirable to use IRT in Christian marriage counseling. The aims
of IRT and Christian marriage counseling appear to be similar in that both aim to
restore the pattern of relationship within the couple.
If Christian marriage counselors are looking for a therapeutic model to apply in their
ministry, IRT might be a useful tool.
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Chapter 5
THE APPLICATION OF IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY IN A
CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELLING PRACTICE
5.1 Introduction
Christian counselors can use IRT in Christian marriage counseling. The aims are
similar and complementary as shown in the previous chapter.
If IRT is to be used in Christian marriage counseling, certain aspect’s needs to be
taken into account. The counselor will have to clarify his own opinion and position on
these aspects.
I will now discuss a few application factors and conclusions before making
recommendations.
5.2 IRT and Spiritual Ministry
5.2.1 Faith
Therapy and ministry should be seen as complementary to each other and cannot be
substituted for each other.
Because IRT is not a religious approach and is void of any opinionated statements,
teaching or even any religious processes, it can safely be implemented in Christian
counseling. IRT does not oppose any faith principles or biblical instructions.
In this regard, IRT can be used by the Christian counselor as an invaluable tool to re-
establish connection and intimacy between partners, on a romantic love basis rather
than only on a spiritual basis.
The counselor can ask God’s guidance and help through prayer at the start of the
therapy or even at the beginning of every session, and then use the IRT processes.
When the connection between the couple has been re-instated, the Counselor will
again be able to minister to the couple in the traditional Christian way and bring
God’s power, grace and guidance into the process.
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In this way, the couple will understand that it is not God or their faith that will
magically make the marriage work. They will understand that they can call on God
through their faith in Him to help them grow and overcome their shortcomings,
mistakes and incompetence.
Faith in God then becomes a source from which they draw strength, power and
encouragement to do what the Bible requires, rather than giving God the
responsibility to fix them and the relationship.
5.2.2 Forgiveness
As discussed previously, forgiveness is an important factor in Christian counseling.
In the Christian view, IRT may be deficient in this regard because it proceeds from
another paradigm and does not have a planned opportunity for forgiveness.
When a partners have inflicted hurt, pain and emotional wounds upon each other,
they can start the inner healing process by asking forgiveness from each other in
God’s presence and then ask forgiveness from God through prayer, in each other’s
presence.
Introducing the principles of giving and receiving forgiveness, can enhance the
change, that the therapist wants to bring about. It will add the dimensions of a
relationship with God and how the relationship with your spouse influences your
relationship with God. Giving forgiveness is empowering and liberating as well as
being a spiritual act that will bring inner freedom and healing for the individual.
More detailed application will be discussed later when the IRT process of “making
amends” dialogue is discussed.
5.3 Communication as prerequisite.
Communication has been shown to be absolutely central to happy relationships.
It has been shown that we are relational beings, and that we express this relational
character to each other through communication.
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Verbal communication is the major tool through which we relate and all other
methods are secondary. It therefore makes sense to spend the majority of counseling
time in teaching the couple this skill.
The IRT basic tool called the “couples dialogue” (discussed in chapter 2) is the
critical key to applying IRT in Christian counseling. This tool facilitates many of the
aims of IRT (as shown previously). It seems impossible to apply IRT in Christian
counseling if this tool is omitted or only partly used.
The application of the basic couple’s dialogue will be discussed later in this chapter.
5.4 The role of the Pastor or Counselor and the use of IRT
As shown earlier, the role of the Pastor becomes a critical factor in counseling. When
the Christian counselor or Pastor uses IRT in his counseling process, he will probably
need to make some adjustments to his role in the counseling.
When using IRT it will be important for the Pastor or Counselor to separate himself
from the “space” between the couple. He will have to become the guide that leads
them in the process of reconnection. He must emotionally and consciously understand
that the couple’s pattern and the dynamics between them becomes the therapy
process. It is paramount for him to understand that healing does not occur in the
therapeutic process between him and the couple, but between the partners themselves.
He then becomes more of a coach and mentor than one who ministers.
In this regard, he will need to focus more on leading the couple than ministering to
them. For example, he will rather ask the couple to pray for each other and guide them
in the details of that prayer, than pray for them himself, as is the normal practice in
Christian counseling.
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5.5 Guidelines for the use of IRT in Christian Counseling
Probably all IRT techniques can be used in Christian marriage counseling. Some of
the techniques can be adapted to include an opportunity for the individual to relay his
learning to his spiritual roots and biblical guidelines.
5.5.1 Basic Couples dialogue
One of the aims with the IRT mirroring process is that when one party of the couple
mirrors the other and really makes room for understanding that person, empathy will
develop within the listener for his/her partner.
If, during the dialogue process, either the sender or receiver comes to the realization
that they might have hurt their partner unintentionally and empathy has developed, the
counselor can direct the next step. It will be very beneficial if the counselor could lead
the sender into a next process where he could apologize or make amends for behavior
and unintentional wounding of the other person. It could also be beneficial if the
counselor leads to sender or receiver in a confession and forgiveness prayer, if he/she
has acknowledged unbiblical, harmful or destructive behavior.
This appears to be an area of lack in IRT, in that there is not always an opportunity for
correcting past hurts and mistakes immediately after discovery. Usually a follow-up
appointment, using the “making amends dialogue” is advised.
5.5.2 Guided Visualization
Guided imagery is an excellent tool, to discover unmet and unfulfilled childhood
needs and developmental areas.
This tool can be used under the guidance and presence of the Holy Spirit. Healing
from past wounds and childhood pain will probably happen more rapidly if the Holy
Spirit is invited to be a part of the process.
The aim of IRT with guided visualization is that one discovers one’s childhood and
past pain and then one may share it with one’s partner in the Parent -child dialogue.
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The healing for the individual then comes in the process of being held by a loving
partner while reliving the past pain.
The Holy Spirit can be asked through prayer to assist and guide the individual, in this
process. The Holy Spirit can reveal the areas of pain in the individual during the
visualization and be a source of comfort and strength.
However the counselor should be conscious of the fact that the couple’s marriage is
the therapeutic space. He must ensure that the healing takes place in that environment
with the help of the Holy Spirit. The aim of the process is to restore connection
between the partners. The healing of childhood wounds is used as a method to create
empathy in the partners while simultaneously helping them to understand that the
childhood wounds dictate their relationship dynamics.
The Christian counselor should then be careful not to only focus on the individual’s
inner healing process (as is usually the case), but to put it in service of the
relationship.
5.5.3 “Making amends” dialogue
Once the couple has mastered the technique of dialogue, they can use the “making
amends” dialogue technique to own wrongful behavior. This not only puts past hurts
in the past, but brings an element of healing to the hurt individual because it is done in
connection. The relationship itself heals from the destructive past, because ownership
is taken by the offending partner. The mirroring partner gives non- offensive
validation to the willingness and motivation of the confessing partner.
A possible shortcoming in IRT is the process of forgiving. Although the partner owns
his damaging behavior and apologizes for it, there is no opportunity for receiving
forgiveness and to be acquitted. The partner would rather validate the desire for the
sender’s repentance.
When IRT is used in Christian counseling, this dimension should be added.
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After the basic “making amends” dialogue, the counselor could ask the receiving
partner whether he/she is able and ready to forgive. If the person is able and ready
he/she could start a new dialogue by saying, “I forgive you for …”. The partner will
mirror. The counselor can deepen the healing by introducing a sentence stem like and
“How forgiving you will help me heal is …”
This dialogue can then be followed by a confessing prayer to God in the presence of
the partner and the counselor. This can add another dimension to healing. The Holy
Spirit should also be invited to assist the couple on an individual basis to grow in their
maturity.
5.3.4 Full container
The full container is a process where the sender is allowed to vent all frustrations,
feelings of anger and resentment in an uninhibited way, to facilitate the venting of
cramped up emotions and resentments.
This technique should perhaps not be used by Christian marriage counselors because
it might be in opposition to the biblical guidelines of respect and honoring of one’s
partner as God’s creation.
The venting of frustrations in such a way might do more damage to the relationship
space than healing it could bring for the individual. It is possible that this technique
can promote the original pattern of power-struggle within the couple. It might also
strengthen the pattern of projection that was at the base of relationship problems.
When the pain of an individual is so strong that it arrests the progress of the
relationship counseling, it is advisable that the individual first goes for individual
therapy to deal with the intensity of the pain. The person can then bring his experience
back into the couple’s therapy and tell the partner about his/ her experience in a
controlled mirroring dialogue, which should then create empathy within the offending
partner.
The normal process of making amends and the recommended forgiveness process (as
discussed elsewhere) can then be resumed.
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5.3.4 Use of the “behavior Change request” technique
The BCR is a technique where the sender shares frustration regarding the behavior of
the other. The purpose of this exercise is to discover why the behavior of the other
creates a frustration in the self. This is then relayed to childhood memory and pain.
The receiver then makes behavior changes to facilitate the healing of the other.
The BCR dialogue can successfully be adapted, to change from projecting one’s
frustrations onto the partner, to owning one’s behavior. The sender will be prompted
to say: “One behavior I do that I know hurts you/ our relationship is….” The same
result has been achieved with the added advantage of the sender owning his
contributions in the marriage.
It needs to be noted that a level of safety must have been returned to the relationship
for this process to be changed. There is then also ample opportunity for the sender to
ask God’s help and the help of the partner in changing these behaviors. This can be
done through prayer at the end of the dialogue.
5.3.5 The Cosmic journey
It is possible that some Christian counsellors might not agree with the concept of the
cosmic journey as taught in IRT meta-theory i.e. that everything in the universe is
connected and influences each other.
In the meta-theory composition of Imago, the concept that the world is energy and is
pulsating together is widely accepted. This energy affects everyone because it is all
connected in one universe. When people in relationships influence one another’s state
of relaxed joyfulness, and upset it, some people tend to become quiet and hold in their
energy (Minimizers) and others expand their energy (Maximizers).
The Theory of Imago, that we are energy pulsating and wanting to find a state of
relaxed joyfulness, might well be correct. I also agree that people do tend either to
minimize or maximize their energy in a relationship.
What also needs to be noted is that people are in essence spiritual beings and are
created relational beings. A state of relaxed joyfulness can probably only be achieved
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if one finds a relationship with another, in which one can be one’s true created self.
This is motivated by the fact that we can only heal and develop in relationship, as
discussed in Chapter 2.
The quest for finding the original state of relaxed joyfulness is two fold. Firstly, one
must find one’s original wholeness with God by also restoring one’s relationship with
God. One needs a relationship with God, in which one can live without the
condemnation of guilt associated with sin and unbiblical behaviour.
Secondly, the concept of marriage is God’s design. He designed marriage as a safe
space for a person to live in, be connected to another, and really be and explore all of
who he/she is.
To restore one’s original state of relaxed joyfulness, one therefore needs to be
connected to God and connected to another human being. Both these relationships
should be safe.
The Christian counsellor would do well to keep both these relational objectives
(regarding safety) in mind, as desire results. Both are equally important when looking
at relationships.
5.3.5 Intentional living
The way most marriages are lived is referred to as an un-intentional or unconscious
way of living relationships. Here the partners wish to have a happy marriage but do
not know or have a set plan or program with which they hope to attain this. Instead of
knowledge, they rely on love and the example of their parents, peers and environment
to show them the way to relationship success.
Couples usually only seek help when their relationship has deteriorated to serious
levels of discomfort.
Most marital therapy programs follow a problem-orientated approach, where the
partners present their problems as the agenda items to be solved. At the very least,
couples going for therapy do so in order to eliminate or find relief from problems or
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marital distress. They usually do not come to change or find a new way of living in
the relationship.
IRT is different in that it starts with the problem, but then moves the focus away from
the problem to the patterns and dynamics of the relationship. This seems to give the
partners hope for the growth of their own abilities. It also teaches the couple skills.
IRT trains the couple in the use of communication skills rather than trying to solve
their problems. The problems or conflict then becomes a tool in the relationship to
teach the couple skills.
The writer coins this “intentional living”. Intentional living is then to teach the couple
what to do, why they must do it, and help them understand their own relationship
dynamics. It also gives each partner an insight into the relational paradigms of the
other partner.
This empowers the couple with the feeling that they know what to do and what the
aim of their actions should be.
To introduce IRT in Christian marriage counselling should then, to a large degree,
eliminate the problem that counselees often feel disempowered when they are
confronted with their own problems and wrong behaviour (earlier referred to as
adaptations). It could also help to remove the feelings of the hopelessness counselees
feel when they are unable to make real changes to what they know to be wrong
patterns and behaviours.
The author advises that after the initial therapy program, the principles and techniques
practiced by Imago can be enhanced by adding a 40-day, home work program (De
Klerk 2003:48) to teach the couple the principles of intentional living. The therapist
could give the couple the dialogue sentence stems that they can use over a period of
40 days on their own to facilitate continued growth in an intentional way.
These dialogue sentence stems are designed for couples who have been able to
remove most of the power-struggle and have attained some level of safety. The
dialogue stems do not focus on the relationship problems but around the life of the
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individual. This makes it easier to develop the dialogue into a pattern of the couple, as
it is non-confrontational and not about the relationship between them. They are
chosen to promote separateness while bringing insight and empathy for the partner.
These sentence stems could be arranged according to each individual couple’s culture
and religious environment, for example: money, children, religion, fears, ambitions,
and etcetera.
This will put them on a growth path after they have moved out of the power-struggle
and learned to keep each other safe within the relationship.
The writer advises that counsellors who use IRT in Christian marriage counselling
introduce this as a homework program after counselling has been terminated, to
ensure future growth.
My experience with this has shown that individuals want to explore these thoughts
and want their partner to know this. They will always explore and relate these
thoughts to one another if the safety and connection of the relationship permits.
• 40 Day Dialogue Program (De Klerk 2003:48)
Over a period of forty days, discuss the following, with one party sending and the
other listening, the next day the same subject is used but the parties switch roles.
With each dialogue, deepen the process by including the following after each subject
has been relayed to your partner:
◊ My greatest desire …
◊ My greatest fear …
◊ My belief is …
Dialogue subjects for discussion:
What I want for our future together …
About our children…
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As a parent I…
What I want for myself is …
Where I want to be in 5 years …
My greatest ambition is …
What I need from our sexual relationship is …
What I want to give to our sexual relationship is…
About my parents, I …
About your parents, I …
My feelings about our friends are …
About personal free time I think …
The nurturing I need is …
The nurturing I want to give is …
The fun I need in our relationship is …
The way I see finances in our relationship is …
My greatest fear is…
My greatest challenge in life is…
What I believe about God is…
My faith gives me…
How I feel about my daily work is…
What I would want to change about myself is…
As a further growth tool, the author advises that the therapist introduce a concept
coined “space check”. The concept of space has been discussed previously. With this
process the couple could relay to each other daily where they are in relation to the
other and measure the condition of the relationship and connectedness.
This dialogue could typically be started with, “How I feel towards you at the moment
is…” or “Living with you this last week has been …”
This intentional living tool has as its objective to teach the couple to evaluate their
feelings and safety level daily in the relationship and then relay that to each other in a
way that will enhance intimacy and keep them close.
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5.6 Cases where IRT may not be effective
There are some cases where Imago might not be effective or an advisable technique.
Because Imago focuses on creating intimacy between the partners, it is possible that if
the couple is not ready to start the process to create healing in the relationship, it will
most likely cause further damage to the relationship. This will happen because they
will un-intentionally rewound old childhood pain.
In these circumstances, ministry to the individual and the use of other counselling or
psychology methods with the individuals should probably be done before IRT can be
used with the couple.
5.6.1 Pathology and personality disorders
Because safety is needed for personal healing and growth to occur, serious pathology
and personality disorders are harmful to relationships. Such problems tear away at any
safety in the relationship and should first be addressed in individual counselling
before any of the Imago processes are introduced.
Relationships between people with such problems cannot enter into IRT. The
individual partners of such a relationship are both looking to get their unmet
childhood needs fulfilled and their childhood wounds healed. They therefore cannot
engage in couple’s work because they are often unable to recognise the importance of
the other. They are therefore likely to be unable to validate the other person’s point of
view and experiences.
Any attempt to use IRT will probably lead to despair because neither the therapist nor
the couple will get any sense of achievement.
These disorders should be identified by the Pastor/ therapist and be referred to a
professional dealing with this type of problem. IRT and couples work is not the place
for this type of therapy. Persons dealing with these problems in personal therapy
could share their experiences with their partner later in therapy using IRT.
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5.6.2 Lack of Safety
Care should be taken not to reveal deep childhood wounds and deep-rooted problems
when there is not enough safety between the partners to contain such pain in a healing
environment. Zielinski (2000) advises that the couple must first dialogue through the
therapist, until enough safety has been achieved for them to start a dialogue with each
other.
5.6.3 When a couple is stuck in the power-struggle
A couple that is not ready to let go of the power-struggle will find new ammunition
and reasons to blame each other for their wrongful behaviour.
This will create further damage (rewound) to the individuals in the relationship and
push them further away from each other. It might also bring a feeling of personal
failure. These feelings might then be projected onto the counsellor, who is blamed for
not being able to help them.
When the therapist or Pastor realizes the partners are not able to let go of the power-
struggle, he should identify why they do not want to let go. This can be done by
establishing what each would lose if they let go. The most likely answer is: loss of
control, loss of position or losing a feeling of value. It might then be best to use an
alternative method such as behaviour or cognitive therapy until the power-struggle
has been brought under control, before IRT can be used.
Biblical instruction and ministry to the individual can be helpful.
It might also be valuable to explain to the couple that IRT can only be used if they are
committed to own their behaviour, stop blaming, make changes and learn new
patterns of relating.
5.6.4 Emotional development
Well adjusted and integrated individuals seem to gain benefit from the non-
descriptive program of IRT. This seems to emanate from the fact that they maintain
some degree of control over the discussion subjects, emotional level of the therapy
and the pace.
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Because IRT works from a theoretical point, it is conceivable that some people are not
able to comprehend it fully. IRT focus a lot on personal insight and awareness, of
both oneself and the “other” in the relationship.
The author has experienced cases in which some people are not open to the use of
IRT. This has usually been people who live on a low economic and educational level
(where survival of the family is a first priority). It appears that they want quick
answers to complex problems. They were not always able to fully integrate the
complexity of personal insight and growth.
It was the writer’s experience from case studies in Christian counselling, that people
on the lower scale of economic and emotional development do not always seem to
possess well developed abilities to participate in self-help and actualisation programs.
They seem rather to focus on the Pastor or therapist as the expert who will tell them
what and how to do it. There have been cases where the individuals felt the process is
too slow and too deep and that they do not want to participate for too long. They
indicated that they want a diagnostic evaluation and recommended behaviour change
to be given to their partner. The impression was that people in this category will much
rather follow the directives and advice of an authoritative person than have the
therapist as a coach to a personal growth.
In my view, the possibilities should be explored to adapt IRT to be really effective in
such an environment.
Zielinski (2000) agrees that rational and less emotive individuals might have
difficulty with IRT but says it is part and parcel of IRT as complementary patterns are
the therapeutic fulcrum.
It might be worthwhile to conduct a study to establish for which cultures, economic
groups and social groups IRT would be most effective.
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5.6.5 Projection
This is also referred to as “blaming others” (when one partner refuses to see his/her
own contribution to the power-struggle). These people project all their feelings of
worthlessness and incompetence onto the other partner. In such cases, the one party
sees their own distress directly as the result of the other partner’s actions.
This is usually the case with couples who where wounded in the attachment phase.
They are referred to as an attachment couple. In such cases the other person defines
the very existence of the individual but he/she is also in a constant battle with that
person the get individuation.
Until the therapist manages to let the individual “own” his or her own contribution
and pattern, IRT will probably not create growth and safety.
The therapist in Christian counselling should use more traditional processes, first to
bring the individuals to a point where they understand their own contributions in the
marriage. They do not need to be healed from the pain before IRT can be used but
will need to understand that they must take personal responsibility for their own
feelings and behaviour and stop blaming the partner for that.
In Christian counselling the concept of standing before God with one’s own life and
giving an account thereof is very strong and should be introduced here.
This problem has been illustrated in the case study of projections.
5.6.6 Substance abuse
Substance abuse can be referred to as a temporary escape from the problems and
reality of the person’s own world. A person who is struggling with this can therefore
usually not accommodate another person or hold the other in a safe place, because his
own world has become unsafe.
IRT is not recommended as a useable tool in Christian marriage counselling when
there is substance abuse. Individual counselling for the party abusing is recommended
where after the couple could continue with therapy.
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5.6.7 Physical Abuse
When there is physical abuse of one or both partners in the marriage, Imago cannot be
used because IRT focuses on creating a safe space in which to heal. Physical abuse is
often the result of anger and frustration and destroys any possible safety or trust there
might be. Often by the act of physical abuse, the very existence of the abused partner
is denied by the other, and his/her value as a person is denied.
Such abuse is condemned in the Bible. The Pastor should minister to such a person
separately and in the traditional manner.
In such cases, IRT should not be used, but therapy postponed until individual therapy
has restored some levels of safety to the relationship.
5.7 Conclusion
It is evident that IRT could be incorporated in Christian marriage counseling.
However, certain issues must be addressed before this can be done. The therapist or
Pastor wanting to use IRT will have to clarify in his own mind, certain departure
points and value systems.
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Chapter 6
CONCLUSIONS AND SUMMARY
6.1 Introduction
This chapter contains the final summary and conclusions that emanated from this
study. Certain observations and conclusions are drawn, as to the use of IRT in
Christian marriage counseling.
From this study, new fields of study have become evident. These might require
further attention in future.
6.2 Observations
• Christians come to their Pastor for help and guidance with their own lives. They
also come to the pastor when they have marriage problems.
Christians see the Pastor as the expert in the field of spirituality, and as someone
living a Christian-orientated life. Some therefore believe that the Pastor and the
Bible have more relevant answers than most others.
• Christians believe that God can and will intervene in their lives and relationships
through his power and the Holy Spirit. This is done through prayer and biblical
instruction.
• Christian marriage counseling does not prove to have more success than any other
form of couple work or therapy. There are differences in opinion concerning what
is regarded as Christian counseling.
• Christian marriage counseling is spiced with interpretations of certain biblical
expressions and instructions. The opinion of what will make a marriage Christian
and happy is clouded by the inclusion of certain cultural and traditional roles and
positions in the counseling process.
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• Christian marriage counseling embodies aspects such as prayer, biblical values,
the intervention of God, and ministry that separates it from all other forms of
“couple’s therapy”.
• Christian marriage counseling is deficient in the area of method and might be too
value-based. The focus is placed on adhering to biblical instruction and little
attention is given to processes that will foster desired outcomes.
• IRT as a therapy process has been indicated to have some deficiency in the area of
forgiveness. It has also been shown to run the risk of being too clinical with little
or no ministry to the broken and hurting people in the marriage.
• This study is not a critical and complete examination as to the effectiveness of
Christian marriage counseling. Only certain areas of deficiency have been pointed
out. More areas of investigation might develop from this study.
6.3 Conclusions with regards to the use of IRT in Christian marriage counseling
• This study indicates that Christian marriage counseling does need a relevant and
contemporary therapeutic model to facilitate the desired outcomes and ideal
relationship indicated in the Bible. The Christian values and principles alone, does
not indicate to have all the answers for the problems in Christian marriages.
• IRT is a contemporary model that has shown to have areas of shortcomings, but is
effective enough to foster the principle elements needed for marital happiness.
These have shown to be the creation of a safe space between the couple, the
arresting of the power-struggle, fostering individuation and creating empathy
within the partners for each other. When mutual validation and respect returns to
the marriage, healing of childhood wounds occurs and frozen adaptations of the
individuals dissolve.
When these elements have changed, the couple embarks on a new road where
conflict is used to foster closeness and pain is used to facilitate empathy and
intimacy.
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• Chapter 3 indicates that Christian marriage counseling has shortcomings.
One of these is the incorporation of cultural and traditional family systems and
interpretations of biblical passages as Godly directives. Another is the possible
negation of real pain and feelings by biblical instruction and ideals. A third
shortcoming might be in the area of a purposeful method.
• Chapter 4 indicates that IRT is a very usable model in Christian marriage
counseling today. The areas where IRT and Christian counseling differ are on the
meta-theory level, and are not of such a nature that it will be imperative to change
these before IRT can be used.
A discussion of the principles of Christian marriage counseling has shown that the
use of IRT can possibly enhance all of the biblical ideals for marriage. These
include mutual respect, validation of the unique creation of the other,
responsibility, covenant and forgiveness.
• During the course of this study the researcher became convinced that the use of
IRT will, to a large degree, eliminate the tendency in Christian marriage
counseling to skip the growth and character-building process of the individual and
focus on the behavior as the source of problems. The use of IRT will foster the
growth the individual needs to make changes to his behavior.
• It also became clear that the use of IRT in Christian marriage counseling will
change the relationship to a healing and therapeutic environment, where the
individual can continue to grow and heal from inner pain within a relational
environment. The biblical principle of covenant is therefore enhanced with the use
of IRT.
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6.4. Recommendations for future study
6.4.1 The effectiveness of Christian marriage counseling as it is practiced today.
6.4.2 Development of a complete model of Christian marriage counseling based on
the use of IRT.
6.4.3 Study of how IRT can be used in Christian counseling when working with
people who are low on the scale of personal and economic development.
6.4.4 Development of a pre-marital program for teaching Christians communication
and conflict skills using IRT as a basic tool.
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ADDENDUM
Case studies
Case study – Childhood wounding
Wendy had a very absent Father due to his work commitments. This resulted in
her mother being a very distant and overstressed woman in the household who
could never give ample love and attention to the children. Wendy longed for the
love and attention of her caregivers but was denied. When she began to display
unconscious aggressive tantrums because of her unmet childhood needs at age 12
she was promptly sent off to boarding school where her wound of separation grew
further. She coped with this need by becoming a pleaser, who always tried to win
the affection of the important caregiving people in her life, by competing for their
attention.
When she met John who grew up with a stepfather (with whom he had lots of
problems) she immediately fell in love and they married. John had a bad
relationship with his stepfather and was incorporated into a bigger family with
stepbrothers where he was never able to win the affection of his stepfather. John
coped with his unmet need of lack of parental love and attention by withdrawing
into himself and thereby safeguarding himself against possible rejection and
further pain.
They came to me when their marriage was falling apart. John felt that Wendy
wanted too much of his attention and Wendy felt John was cold and distant. John
complained that Wendy wanted to control his life and demanded too much
attention and sometimes made him think of a little child who says, “Play with
me”. This he interpreted as unbiblical behavior and disrespect towards him as
husband and head of the house.
Wendy on the other hand accused John of being distant and wondered if he was
having an affair. She complained that he never shared anything about himself and
she always had to fight for some attention. This made her feel that he was not a
loving husband and did not fulfill his vows.
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This couple underlined the Imago concept that they both chose each other because
they have the same childhood unmet need and wounds. Their adaptations as
children to cope with this however were opposite. John withdrew from caregivers
in fear of pain and Wendy went into her role of a pursuer of love and acceptance
by demanding attention. This is the primary reason why they fell in love. But
because they never received what they were longing for they were also unable to
give it. They both were unable to give each other what they needed, therefore they
fell into a power-struggle.
After 2 sessions and some theory, they each understood their responsibilities and
owned their contributions to marriage strife. They were able to ask forgiveness
from each other. They also asked God to forgive them for hurting and blaming
each other. We then asked God to assist and strengthen them as they build a
conscious relationship.
When John understood that his wife needed affirmation and undivided attention
from a significant person in her life, he was able and willing to make an internal
adjustment and grow his underdeveloped abilities to receive and get attention. In
prayer he asked God to help him heal his own childhood adaptations and grow
into the person his wife needs. He made an internal decision to stop avoiding
intimacy as a safeguard against emotional pain and risk, and venture into
intimacy.
They did the IRT processes with enthusiasm and started evaluating their daily
living patterns against their new-found knowledge. This brought great changes.
Wendy saw that she has adapted into a Pursuer type of person who projected her
feelings of worthlessness onto her husband. She blamed him for her feelings of
rejection. She was able to confess these feeling and asked God to help her to take
responsibility for her own life.
With the process of IRT they were then able to change their pattern of marriage
and became a safe place for each other where they could explore the boundaries of
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being separate and being in connection. Wendy stopped her constant cry for
attention and this made John relax and open up towards her. As he opened himself
up she felt she knew who he was and this satisfied her need for attention.
John became a very relaxed person around Wendy and was able to give her
undivided attention when she needed rather than to react to her neediness by
withdrawing. He in turn grew in his ability to connect intimately.
Case Study. - exits
David and Lily came to me when they were contemplating divorce. They felt that
they have drifted so far apart that they now have nothing in common and feel they
don’t know each other anymore. They have been married 25 years and have raised
two children who have now left the house.
It soon became clear that the power-struggle had surfaced early in their marriage.
When despondency entered their relationship, David threw himself into his work
as a minister. He justified his being out of the house for most evenings, with all
the unique demands the job of a minister requires, with the parish members only
being available for ministry after hours.
Lily took a Job as a psychologist at a big practice and would work till 6:30 at
night. In order to make the household run smoothly they divided the household
chores amongst themselves and the household worked quite well.
Because they where committed Christians they knew that they should spend time
together, and arranged a set family night each weekend, where everybody had to
be at home. This gave them a sense of gratification because they spent time
together. They always filled this family night with activities or family and friends.
When David and Lily saw this pattern in their relationship, they even confessed to
always taking friends with them on holiday in order to avoid spending time alone
together with each other.
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They were able to see that they instinctively filled every available time with
activities because their relationship was not safe to be alone. They saw this pattern
of exits in their relationship and decided to change their behaviour, in service of
building a safe space to be in.
They confessed to having emotionally divorced each other and having settled into
a living together arrangement rather than the intimate relationship God had
intended.
They renewed their vows and created a relationship vision through the guided
visualization process. They asked God to help them by showing what their
relationship should look like. This vision gave them a goal to work towards and
focused their energy on a common goal. They did the processes with passion and
learned to be present with each other and to be alone with each other. They
committed time each day without any activities in which to connect and explore
the boundaries of who the other person is.
This resulted in Lily finding a new piece of her personality and desire that was
hidden, and inhibited for many years because she thought it would not be
acceptable to David. In the safety of connection she could share this with him
without fear of rejection and make some life changes.
David made some radical changes in the relationship patterns not only with his
wife, but testified to being able to more deeply connect with his parishioners
without spending more time with them. He was also able to change their home to
a home more than a mance, and was able to give to parishioner safety with him,
without having them in his home all the time.
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Case Study – Attachment and Identity
Willie and Bonnie came to me when they felt that they want to have a Christian
marriage and live according to Christian guidelines in the Bible but were unable to do
so, because they felt they wanted completely different things in life.
Bonnie was complaining that Willie was working too much and was never around
enough to give her the attention that she needed and wanted. When he was around she
felt that he was emotionally distant and that she battled to connect to him. She needed
to know through the day where he was, what he was busy with, and whom he is
seeing. A child from his previous marriage and the forced occasional contact he had
with his previous wife amplified her feelings of insecurity, loneliness and
disconnection.
Willie felt that he is a good husband and that no matter how much time he spends
with her she is never satisfied. He could not see why she had a need for deeper
emotional connection and resented her for being needy and accused her of trying to
chain him down.
This process created tension between them that drove them further apart. When they
came to me they were desperate and thought that they were incompatible.
They have visited several Christian Pastors and counselors, and attended some
Christian marriage enrichment courses. They testified that their understanding of what
God wants for marriage expanded but their ability to make it work did not increase.
After the first few session using IRT, Willie and Bonnie got to understand that Bonnie
was an unwanted pregnancy to a single mother, and that her mother was unable to
cope with this. She was rejected from childhood by her mother and due to the bad
relationship between her mother and father she never had contact with him. When she
did locate him at the age of 17 he was not happy to see her as he was married to some-
one else with his own family and she was a threat to that happiness. This made her
feel rejected again. She became a Christian at the age of 19 and has done some work
in the church towards forgiving her parents.
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The couple also understood that Willie grew up in an emotionally detached family
where the relationship between his mother and father was strained. His family was a
Christian family promoting and teaching Christian family values to the children.
Willie gathered that his father seemed to cope with the bad marriage relationship, by
constantly working, being involved with the church and friends. He never had a good
emotional relationship with his father, and was disciplined severely whenever he
misbehaved. This discipline was often done with biblical affirmation and instruction.
His father committed suicide when he was 15 and this left him without a father figure
to connect with. He battled with a lot of questions regarding this. His mother became
even more distant and depressed in her attempt to cope with all of this.
After using IRT for a couple of sessions, the couple understood that they have chosen
each other because they both came from emotionally detached families. They also
understood that they are each unable to give each other the emotional attachment they
need because they never experienced it themselves. They also understood that they
have each adopted a different but complementary adaptation style to their emotional
childhood. Bonnie became clinging and needy, always wanting pure attention to make
her feel accepted and wanted. Willie became emotionally detached and cold in order
to survive his childhood and now had difficulty in accessing his emotions and
relaying them to Bonnie. He focuses rather on practical stuff and tried to show his
feelings for his wife by doing practical and physical things for her.
I used IRT to help them let go of their power-struggle where she fights for attention
and he pushes for separateness. When they managed to created a safe space between
them they slowly let go of the neediness and were able to start focusing on personal
change. With the help of God through prayer and their belief system, they both
embarked and a journey of personal growth where they became a guide and healer to
each other.
They forgave each other for the hurts of the past through the making amends
dialogue. They also forgave their parents. This was done by using the parent-child
dialogue with a forgiveness prayer to God afterwards.
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They created a relationship vision through the guided visualization technique and
asked God in prayer to open to them His plans and vision for them.
This placed the couple in a place where they understood their own emotional
dynamics and how that influences their relationship. It gave them a plan and guide on
what to work on in their relationship.
They achieved a new level of interaction and the marriage changed from the problem
to a source of energy in their lives. The marriage became their safe place in which to
relate their growth experiences, fear and development struggles in connection with
another person.
Case study- projection
When Russell and Elaine came for therapy, they had had 13 years of stormy married
life spiked with drugs & alcohol abuse on the husband’s side. There were periods of
separation, and extreme verbal and emotional abuse. A more classic example of the
power struggle you probably won’t find.
They came to me when Elaine called me and claimed her life was in danger and that
she must see me immediately. It was later revealed, that this is her pattern and that she
lives totally in reaction to her world and marriage. After years of being stuck in this
pattern she has lost all sense of individuality and personal value.
After the third session she was visible unhappy with where Imago was going. This
happened because her husband was not labelled as the problem for their marriage
failure. At first, Russell was reluctant to come and participate, but later did it with
enthusiasm. As soon as Russel began to fall into the IRT process, Elaine withdrew
from the process and refused to share anything personal and said “My childhood
memories are the only thing still sacred that he doesn’t know about, I cannot share
that because he will trample that”. This was her way of maintaining control and
projecting her feelings onto him.
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Their marriage pattern is that she is extremely jealous and has absolutely no trust. She
accused him of everything imaginable. He in turn manipulates and controls her to
every extreme with money.
It became evident that Elaine suffers from severe identity issues because she comes
from a mixed family. Russell has not been able to give her the sense of worth and
acceptance that she needs to deal with that because he is dealing with his own issues
of self-worth from his own broken home after his mother died. He now gets his sense
of worth by making money and manipulating people including his wife. They
therefore blamed each other for their feelings and projected their own feelings of
incompetence upon each other.
It was clear to me that the space in their relationship was not safe enough for her to
share about herself. But it must also be noted that after years of living this pattern, this
is probably also what defined her existence. She became stuck in the role of the victim
of his bad behaviour. This is where she now gets her significance as a human being.
It has also become clear that they formed triangles in their family. They would always
triangulate a third party into the marriage. They have each chosen one of their two
children and have triangulated that child into the relationship. This went to such an
extreme that each child had to participate and play a role with that specific parent
every time a power struggle occurred.
As soon as therapy began they each tried to triangulate me into the relationship, by
refusing to talk to each other in therapy and demanding that they be allowed to relay
their feelings to me. They would then blame the other person when talking to me. I
have graciously refused to be part of their power-struggle by bringing them back into
the process.
Divorce was often mentioned and used by each of them in turn as a manipulating tool
to get the other to acknowledge him/her. Elaine moved into the role of the maximizer
and the husband into the role of a minimizer and avoider.
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As soon as the safety level started to increase between them they felt threatened by
the new level of intimacy. They then tried to triangulate me into their relationship by
phoning me individually between sessions. When phoning they would try to accuse
and demean the other person with me. I had to take a lot of time helping them to own
their part in the relationship and stop projecting and blaming. I ministered to them in
this regard to ask God to help them.
Their attachment issues were so strong that it was concluded that they would benefit
from individual therapy with other therapists to work on their personal wounding and
issues. This they did.
This seemed to bring a lot of issues to the surface and Elaine exited the relationship
by beginning to drink heavily for days on end. This resulted in her terminating
therapy.
This couple can probably only start with real Imago work after individual therapy and
spiritual ministry has restored their own sense of individuality and self-worth. Then
intimacy and connection would not be threatening for them, and they can continue
with couple’s therapy.