is our family dysfunctional ? reflecting on the biblical wisdom of proverbs

Is Our Family Dysfunctional ?Is Our Family Dysfunctional ?

Reflecting on the BiblicalReflecting on the Biblical

Wisdom of ProverbsWisdom of Proverbs

Proverbs 1:1-7 “Proverbs 1:1-7 “The Message”The Message”

These are the wise sayings of Solomon,These are the wise sayings of Solomon,David’s son, Israel’s king—David’s son, Israel’s king—Written down so we’ll know how to live well Written down so we’ll know how to live well

and right,and right,To understand what life means and where it’s To understand what life means and where it’s

going;going;A manual for livingA manual for livingFor learning what’s right and just and fair;For learning what’s right and just and fair;

To teach the inexperienced the ropes and give To teach the inexperienced the ropes and give our young people a grasp on reality.our young people a grasp on reality.

There’s something here also for seasoned There’s something here also for seasoned men and women, men and women,

Still a thing of two for the experienced to learnStill a thing of two for the experienced to learn—Fresh wisdom to probe and penetrate, the —Fresh wisdom to probe and penetrate, the rhymes and reasons of wise men and rhymes and reasons of wise men and women. women.

Start with GOD—the first step in learning is Start with GOD—the first step in learning is bowing down to GOD: bowing down to GOD:

Only fools thumb their noses at such wisdom Only fools thumb their noses at such wisdom and learning.and learning.

EIGHTEIGHT CHARACTERISTICS OF A CHARACTERISTICS OF A DYSFUNTIONAL FAMILYDYSFUNTIONAL FAMILY

Associated ContentAssociated Content

Web content by Sam Zolin (19 years of age!), an aspiring Web content by Sam Zolin (19 years of age!), an aspiring medical school student from York, PA.medical school student from York, PA.

1.1. ADDICTIONADDICTION2. 2. CONTROLCONTROL3.3. UNPREDICTABILITY AND FEARUNPREDICTABILITY AND FEAR4.4. CONFLICTCONFLICT5.5. ABUSEABUSE6.6. PERFECTIONISMPERFECTIONISM7.7. POOR COMMUNICATIONPOOR COMMUNICATION8.8. LACK OF DIVERSITYLACK OF DIVERSITY

““Cascading”Cascading”

Dysfunctional families also often exhibit a Dysfunctional families also often exhibit a cascading, or progressively more complex cascading, or progressively more complex series of unhealthy characteristics. series of unhealthy characteristics.

Like small falls that may combine to become Like small falls that may combine to become white water, everyday communication white water, everyday communication patterns have the potential for becomingpatterns have the potential for becoming

hurtful to family relationships.hurtful to family relationships.

Characteristics of Dysfunctional FamiliesCharacteristics of Dysfunctional FamiliesPhilip Ellis, Ph.D. Pine Rest PsychologistPhilip Ellis, Ph.D. Pine Rest Psychologist

Belittling, criticizing, or degradingBelittling, criticizing, or degrading

Breaking promisesBreaking promises

Disallowing feelingsDisallowing feelings

Discrediting or minimizing accomplishments, Discrediting or minimizing accomplishments, feelings or needsfeelings or needs

Keeping family secretsKeeping family secrets

Characteristics of Dysfunctional FamiliesCharacteristics of Dysfunctional Families

Experiencing emotional, physical, or sexual abuseExperiencing emotional, physical, or sexual abuse

Inflicting guilt or blameInflicting guilt or blame

Intimidating, threatening, or inflicting fearIntimidating, threatening, or inflicting fear

Responding inconsistentlyResponding inconsistently

Shaming and withholding loveShaming and withholding love

Operating on a “should” or “shouldn’t” system Operating on a “should” or “shouldn’t” system without explanation or rationalewithout explanation or rationale

ProverbsProverbsDerek KidnerDerek Kidner

““It’s (Proverb’s) function in Scripture is to put It’s (Proverb’s) function in Scripture is to put godliness into working clothes.”godliness into working clothes.”

Healthy Families…Healthy Families…

……demonstrate an intense passion demonstrate an intense passion for teaching children to make wise for teaching children to make wise choices.choices.

Proverbs 2:1Proverbs 2:1

My son, if you accept my words My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, and store up my commands within you,

indeed, if you call out for insight indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and cry aloud for understanding,

and if you look for it as for silver and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, and search for it as for hidden treasure,

then you will understand the fear of the LORD then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. and find the knowledge of God.

Proverbs 4:3-4Proverbs 4:3-4

When I was a boy in my father's house, When I was a boy in my father's house, still tender, and an only child of my mother, still tender, and an only child of my mother,

he taught me and said, he taught me and said, "Lay hold of my words with all your heart; "Lay hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands and you will live. keep my commands and you will live.


The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.

Though it cost you all you have, get Though it cost you all you have, get understanding.understanding.


……are dependant on the faithful are dependant on the faithful preservation of marriage preservation of marriage promises.promises.


I have come to the brink of utter ruin I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly." in the midst of the whole assembly."

Drink water from your own cistern, Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. running water from your own well.

Should your springs overflow in the streets, Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public your streams of water in the public squares?squares?


Let them be yours alone, never to be shared Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. your youth.

A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. be intoxicated with her love.


Why, my son, be intoxicated with another Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?wayward woman?

For your ways are in full view of the LORD,For your ways are in full view of the LORD,

And he examines all your paths.And he examines all your paths.


Do not lust in your heart after her beauty Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, or let her captivate you with her eyes,

for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life. and the adulteress preys upon your very life.

Can a man scoop fire into his lap Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? without his clothes being burned?

Can a man walk on hot coals Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? without his feet being scorched?

So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished. no one who touches her will go unpunished.


……insist on children’s respect for parentsinsist on children’s respect for parents

Proverbs 19:26Proverbs 19:26He who He who robsrobs his father and drives out his mother his father and drives out his mother

is a son who brings shame and disgrace.is a son who brings shame and disgrace.


If a man If a man cursecurses his father or mother, his lamp s his father or mother, his lamp will be snuffed out in pitch darkness.will be snuffed out in pitch darkness.


Start children off on the way they should go, Start children off on the way they should go, and even when the are old they will not turn and even when the are old they will not turn from it.from it.


……expend time and energy for necessary expend time and energy for necessary discipline. discipline.


He who He who sparespares the s the rodrod hates his son, but he hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him who loves him is careful to discipline him


Discipline your children, and they will give you Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire.desire.


……model integritymodel integrity


The man of The man of integrityintegrity walkswalks securely, but he securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out. who takes crooked paths will be found out.


The LORD abhors The LORD abhors dishonestdishonest scalesscales, but , but accurate weights are his delight.accurate weights are his delight.


……safeguard against explosions of anger.safeguard against explosions of anger.


The hot-tempered stir up dissension, but The hot-tempered stir up dissension, but those who are patient calm a quarrel.those who are patient calm a quarrel.


A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.word stirs up anger.


……seek ways to show compassion to the seek ways to show compassion to the poor and needy.poor and needy.


Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.needy honors God.


……practice infinite encouragement.practice infinite encouragement.


A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.settings of silver.


The tongue that brings healing is a The tongue that brings healing is a treetree of of lifelife, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit , but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit


...are discerning about friendships....are discerning about friendships.


A righteous man is cautious in A righteous man is cautious in friendsfriendship, but hip, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.the way of the wicked leads them astray.


As As ironiron sharpenssharpens ironiron, so one man , so one man sharpenssharpens another. another.


……face addictions honestly.face addictions honestly.


WineWine is a mocker and beer a brawler; is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.whoever is led astray by them is not wise.


Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaints? Who has strife? Who has complaints? Who has needless bruises? Who has Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes?bloodshot eyes?

Those who linger over wine, who go to Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine.sample bowls of mixed wine.


……know the right response to know the right response to relational wrongs.relational wrongs.

Proverbs 10:12Proverbs 10:12Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all

wrongs.wrongs.

Healthy Families—above all…Healthy Families—above all…

……depend on humbly guarded depend on humbly guarded hearts.hearts.


People may think all their ways are pure, but People may think all their ways are pure, but motives are weighed by the Lord.motives are weighed by the Lord.


Pride goes before destruction, a haughty Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.spirit before a fall.


Above all else, Above all else, guardguard youryour heartheart, for it is , for it is the wellspring of life.the wellspring of life.

is our family dysfunctional ? reflecting on the biblical wisdom of proverbs

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