issue 21 - august 2012

7/31/2019 Issue 21 - August 2012

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Today, I kindly offer up a guide

for slaves as to how they

should treat their

masters/mistresses, whether

they be feline, canine, lapine

or even bovine! Everybody

knows the basics of being a

slave: offer food, give

attention, ensure the

environment is suitably safe

and hygienic e.t.c., but I

understand that slaves have

lives almost as busy as ours,

and seldom have time to get

everything done, so below is

the list I compiled of some of

the things that a pet MUST

have access to, in no particular

order:1) First and foremost is

Fud-Fud, and not just any Fud-

Fud, it must be delicious,

balanced, and frequent. I

myself adore ham (mmmmm

ham!) and IAMS crunchy

biscuits, and I thankfully am

able to enjoy both of these

things on a daily basis, as well

as wet food from thosemagical pouches of kitty

wonder. Each animal has their

preferences, but through

observing your pet’s reactions

to new Fud-Fudstuffs, you

should be able to quickly

figure out what pleases them

best, and are therefore then

obliged to supply it.

2)

Secondly arebeverages. Some cats I know

will humiliate themselves by

doing tricks to get milk, others

simply expect it, but either

way, many cats would prefer

the option of this dairy

product to drink (although I

myself have never tried it,

because my slaves think I’m

too big and fat). All animals

must also have plenty of water

in their vicinity to prevent

dehydration. Many animals

would rather have cold water

in this hot weather, so serve it

chilled. We don’t tend to mind

where the water is from, but I

would prefer my water from

the springs of the Himalayas,

rather from the tap.

3) Attention, attention,

attention. We can’t get

enough attention, and will

always be up for a snuggle and

a game of fetch (even some

cats like me enjoy fetch),although slaves must also

know when to leave us alone.

4) Sometimes we just

want a nap, so make sure we

have a comfy place to sleep.

Depending on our species,

hay, straw, a pillow, a bed, or

something else may be

required to satisfy this need.

5) Luxury. You humanshave flat-screen TVs, fine

cuisine, expensive clothing

and more, and as our inferiors,

you must ensure that we too

have equally, or perhaps more

exquisite treats. Again,

observe what your

master/mistress likes! They

will probably want toys, treats

and facilities. This coversbones for dogs, catnip for cats

(oh man I love the catnip!) and

a flushing toilet, like Mr. Jinx.

(Meet the Fockers )

6) Medicine and

preventatives could not be

more important here: nobody

likes fleas of worms, aches or

pains, so please find a vet

where inexpensive flea and

worm preventatives can be

bought, but NEVER actually

take us in there (it gives us the

creeps.)

7) Finally, give us a

tagged and labelled collar

(providing we are the sort of

animal that roams around), sothat if we lose our way, we

can be returned home to

safety. Some humans even

microchip us to be extra sure

that we never have to live

without them. However, my

mistress gave me a collar with

a bell on it, so that she can

hear where I am, although this

has the downside that when itcomes to hunting, I always

scare away the prey before I

have even pounced on them.

Thanks, slaves.

So, now that you have read

my almost comprehensive list

of what we need, I can only

hope that you will take my

advice on board, and wish you

all a happy summer!

By Womble, Translated by his Prized Slave, Ellie

7/31/2019 Issue 21 - August 2012


Your roving reporter....’The

Velvet Paw’ Reports for this

Month’s Magazine.....

’The Velvet Paw’ Investigates

yet another worrying turn of

events. Cat rights are being

infringed once again. It would

appear that the Slaves are

very concerned about rescuing

us from trees! We know that

we do not need rescuing. Why

do they bother?

Before I delve further into this

worrying trend, I would just

like to show you a couple of

pictures showing how

delightful being in a tree is.

Do either of these cats look

worried????

As in this picture you can see

that the cat is very happy

sunning herself on a branch,

and hopefully able to catch a

little bird snack to add

enjoyment to what looks like a

beautiful afternoon.

On the other hand this cat has

given up all pretence of

catching a snack and has fallen

asleep. Looks like she is very

comfortable though.

Apparently, in London, ‘Fire

Crews’ – I believe this to be

those people who sit in red

things which rush around

making ‘Neenaw’ sounds -

very unsavoury and

disquieting – have had a 60

purrcent rise in call outs for

cats up trees! An average of

one call every 14 hours. What

is going on? Why can’t we go

up trees if we want to???? It

sounds as though the Slaves

do not want us to go up

trees??? Very purrculiar. They

also mention some group

called the RSPCA, I can only

assume that this is the

Rescuing Species Perhaps Cats

Always group as I cannot see

any other necessity for them,

as apparently this is what they

feel they must do. Apparently

they arrive with a ‘basket’ –

torture chamber – and a

ladder???? They then state

that you (the Slave) can also

try :

1. Fishy smelling cat food

at the bottom of the tree. –

Why when the cat is obviously

trying to catch birds would fish

help?

2. Stick a ladder against

the trunk of the tree so that

the cat can climb down it. –

Why?? We will come down in

what so ever way we wish.

3. Too high for a ladder –

watch YouTube ‘How to get a

cat out of a tree without

shotgun’ – well I have and I

certainly do not approve of

their methods.

4. Call a friendly tree

surgeon who will climb up the

tree and grab the cat by the

scruff of the neck and put it in

a bag on a rope to get it

down???? WHAT IS THIS –

SCRUFF OF THE NECK!!! I

would like to see them try it.

It is your right to go up a tree.

Up animal rights and Up trees!

7/31/2019 Issue 21 - August 2012


Email address – [email protected] Please Visit our Facebook page! RSPCA Cruelty Hotline -

Last week a strange cat was spotted on Stoff and Catkin’s spot on

the fence looking evil, revelling in stealing the resident cats’ spots – could this be Felimort? This cat has been seen on the premises

several times recently, and is suspected of being the culprit

behind an attack on Stoff and Catkin a few weeks ago – Stoff’s fur

was matted, his meow was hoarse, there were blood drops on the

cat flap and both cats were skittish. This cat has also been spotted

in the garden and in the yard over the past few weeks, a sure sign

that Felimort is planning another full scale attack, surveying the premises to get a full idea of entrances.

The cat is quite skinny, and tortoiseshell which reveals that this cat is a girl (as a general rule all

tortoiseshell cats are female, and all ginger cats are male). This fact then leads to the shocking conclusionthat – FELIMORT IS A GIRL! At the news that Stoff has been beaten up by a girl, he has retreated into a

corner and refuses to come out. As a result the final task to the Quad-Kitty Cup has been delayed as further

security measures have had to have been taken. A spokes-kitty for Stoff has warned all Stoffragettes to be

careful – Felimort is on the prowl and is looking to cause trouble, so lock your cat-flaps and close your

windows – Felimort is armed and dangerous.

By Prized Slave to Stoff

Velvet Paw Competition

Although we’ve has a few

entries, the personage of

The Velvet Paw has not

been correctly guessed

yet so the competition is

still running! If you think

you know who The Velvet

Paw is, please email

Prized Slave at

[email protected].

issue 21 - august 2012

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