it's always sunny in philadelphia "charlie marries a tweaker" - unofficial spec script

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

"Charlie Marries a Tweaker"

written by

Sam Bibo

Based on,

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Created by:

Rob McElhenney, Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton

SILENT BLANKET PRODUCTIONS31147 Nice Avenue

Mentone, CA 92359 04 28, 2014

COLD OPEN

TITLE: 1:00 pm

TITLE: On a Tuesday

TITLE: Philadelphia, PA

OVER TITLES, WE HEAR:

MAC (V.O.)

So Im like you dont think I can

bench three plates? Watch this,

bitches.

FADE IN:

INT. PADDYS PUB - DAY

Mac and Dennis sit by the bar, nursing a pint. Mac puts his hands out in front of him simulating a bench press.

DENNIS

Uh huh.

MAC

Yeah, so I get in the zone.

Mac, wide eyed, shakes his head and puffs in and out a few times.

MAC (CONTD)

And boom!

Mac shakes as he vividly simulates his bench press, grunting like a wild animal as he pushes the invisible weights up in front of him. Then he pauses for a second, smiling.

DENNIS(expectantly)

And...

MAC(prideful)

Thats it!

All Rights Reserved Silent Blanket Productions 2014

DENNIS

Oh.

Dennis takes a drink. Mac looks at him in disbelief.

MAC(laughing)

Oh?

DENNIS

Yeah.

Mac, taken aback pulls his head back like an ostrich.

MAC

Its kind of a big deal.

DENNIS

Its kind of not.

MAC

Actually, it kind of is. Three plates,

bro!

DENNIS

Right, I get that and all Im saying

is benching three plates one time, and

barely doing that by the looks of it,

is not that impressive.

MAC

Whatever, dude. You suck.

Sweet Dee enters with a rag and starts clearing off the counter.

MAC (CONTD)

Hey Dee, I benched three plates today.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - SPEC - "CHARLIE MARRIES A TWEAKER" 4/28/14 2.


SWEET DEE

Why the shit would I care?

DENNIS(laughing)

See, I told you dude, nobody gives a

shit!

MAC

Oh yeah well screw you guys! I give a

shit.

Frank enters the bar.

FRANK

Hey, have any of you guys seen Charlie

lately? He hasnt been home in over a

week.

Mac, Dennis, and Dee all shake their heads.

MAC

Come to think of it, it has been a

while.

SWEET DEE

Well, should we be worried?

DENNIS

Psh, no way.

MAC

You know what, I bet he locked himself

down in the basement again. Ill go

check.

CUT TO:



BASEMENT

The gang looks around the basement. Its trashed with a surplus of empty glue containers, and shredded paper piled on the floor. The gang all call for Charlie.

SWEET DEE

Cmon Charlie. Come out.

MAC

Well I dont think hes here.

Dennis walks over to the pile of glue containers.

DENNIS

But he was.

FRANK (O.C.)

Look gang, I think I found something!

The gang rushes over to Frank. He holds up a piece of paper.

SWEET DEE

Its a note!

MAC

Well, open it!

Frank opens the note and squints.

FRANK

Yeah, this is definitely Charlie, I

cant read a thing.

DENNIS(frustrated)

Well, give it to me.

Dennis snatches the note from Frank. He scrunches his face.



DENNIS (CONTD)

Okay, geez lets see here. Tired life I

am. No more go on. Uh. Jump. Walt

Whitman Bridge. Goodbye. Forever.

SWEET DEE

Holy shit! Charlie killed himself.

FRANK(distraught)

Oh Charlie, no!

DENNIS(laughing)

No shit, Dee.

SWEET DEE

Why are you laughing, ass hole?

FRANK

Yeah what the hell, Dennis?

MAC

Cmon dude, not cool.

DENNIS

Oh, nothing its just that, well,

Charlie jumped off the wrong bridge.

SWEET DEE

What?

MAC

Oh, yeah, no hes right. Everyone

knows if your going to jump, you jump

off the Ben Franklin.



FRANK

Oh yeah.

Dee looks at them in disbelief.

SWEET DEE

Are you ass holes kidding me? Did you

all forget that our FRIEND, CHARLIE

might be dead?

The gang pauses.

DENNIS(shrugs)

Eh.

SWEET DEE

You dicks are unbelievable.

Dee storms off.

MAC

Whats her problem?

ALL shrug.

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLE

Title: Charlie Marries a Tweaker

Title: Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia



ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. PADDYS PUB - LATER

The gang enters the bar.

DENNIS

Well that was a massive waste of time.

MAC

Yeah I cant believe we didnt find

anything.

SWEET DEE

Why arent we telling the police

again?

FRANK

Because Deandra, they might find a way

to blame it on us. And Im not going

to jail.

MAC

Yeah, they would eat you alive.

We see Charlie hanging his head over the bar, drinking a beer.

SWEET DEE

Charlie, youre alive!

The gang rushes over to him. Charlie tilts his head at them. His face is dirty and tired looking.

CHARLIE(depressed)

Oh, hey guys.

The gang flinches.



MAC

Wow Charlie, you look like shit.

The gang nods in agreement.

CHARLIE

Oh, yeah well I guess that happens

when you fall 378 feet into the

Delaware River.

FRANK

Shit, you jumped?

CHARLIE

Yeah, well not exactly. Ill tell you.

It all started the other day. I was

digging through the dumpsters behind

the Waitresss apartment.

SWEET DEE

Wait, why were you digging through the

Waitresss garbage?

CHARLIE

Because I was looking for a DNA

sample. Ugh, look its not important.

Charlie gets flustered.

CHARLIE (CONTD)

Anyway as I was saying...

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK: EXT. ALLEY BY WAITRESSS APARTMENT - DAY

Charlie quickly sifts through the garbage, looking over his shoulder every few seconds.



CHARLIE (V.O.)

Im digging through the Waitress's

trash when...

Charlie hears the waitress giggling not too far off. He quickly covers himself up with trash.

The waitress and a HANDSOME MAN walk down the street holding hands laughing. They stop in front of Charlie. The man turns and looks the waitress in her eyes.

HANDSOME MAN

These past few weeks have been the

best of my life.

WAITRESS

Mine too. I really like being around

you.

Charlies eyes dart underneath a news paper.

HANDSOME MAN

I feel the same way. And so Ive been

thinking.

The man bends down on one knee. The waitress covers her mouth in surprise. The man pulls out a small ring box. And opens it.

HANDSOME MAN (CONTD)

Will you marry me?

The waitress smiles widely.

WAITRESS(excited)

I dont know what to say, ye--

Charlie jumps out of the garbage.



CHARLIE(yells)

No!

The waitress and man look over at Charlie.

HANDSOME MAN

What the?

WAITRESS(angry)

Charlie, what the hell are you doing?

CHARLIE

What the hell am I doing? What the

hell are you doing?

WAITRESS

What does it look like? Im on a date.

The man stands up.

HANDSOME MAN

This guy bothering you?

The man walks toward Charlie.

WAITRESS

Yeah, no hes--

CHARLIE

Hey you stay out of this man, this is

between me and the waitress.

WAITRESS

Ugh, Charlie how many times? There is

no you and me. There will never be a

you and me.



CHARLIE

Yeah, but never doesnt really mean

never. I mean a lot of people said

Louis Armstrong could never ride his

bike on the moon but--

WAITRESS(confused)

What? That doesnt even make any

sense. Charlie, you need to get out of

here or else my boyfri--

The waitress smiles at the man.

WAITRESS (CONTD)

FIANCE will kick your ass.

That hits Charlie like a tsunami.

CHARLIE(stuttering)

Fiance? This guy? Really?

The waitress grabs the mans hands.

WAITRESS

Yes really, Charlie. Because he

listens to me, and treats me nicely,

and most importantly DOESNT STALK ME.

CHARLIE(mumbling)

Yeah, but I dont stalk you. I just

look out for yo--

WAITRESS

Charlie, get out of here.



Charlie stands hanging his head and muttering some gibberish.

HANDSOME MAN

You heard her man, get out of here.

Charlie looks at the waitress teary eyed, then turns around and starts walking away.

HANDSOME MAN (CONTD)

That was weird.

The man and waitress kiss.

BACK TO:

PADDYS PUB

SWEET DEE

I cant believe that bitch waitress is

engaged again, and I cant even get a

guy to talk to me!

DENNIS

Come on Dee, are you really surprised?

SWEET DEE

Hey screw you Dennis!

MAC

You are pretty gross Dee.

FRANK

And kind of a bitch.

CHARLIE(yelling)

Can I continue?

The gang looks at Charlie in shock.



CHARLIE (CONTD)

Thank you. So I came back here and

locked myself in the basement.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK: INT. BASEMENT

Charlie sits on the floor of the basement, crying and sniffing glue. Empty glue containers surround him on the floor.

CHARLIE (V.O.)

I dont even know how long I was down

there.

Charlie tweaks out, then lifts up a pen and piece of paper and starts writing. He stops and looks at the camera, crazy eyed.

CHARLIE

She never appreciated me when I was

here. Maybe she will when Im gone.

CUT TO:

EXT. WALT WHITMAN BRIDGE - NIGHT

Charlie stands alone on the edge of the bridge holding a glue container. He takes a very long sniff.

CHARLIE

Looks like its the end. Id like to

say it was a good run but my whole

lifes actually been pretty shitty,

so, uh, screw you Philly.

Charlie jabs his middle finger in the air. Then two shining angels float on screen out of nowhere: QUESTLOVE and BLACK THOUGHT from The Roots. Quest and Thought both wave their arms at Charlie.



BLACK THOUGHT

Hey man, what the hell are you doing?

Charlie looks at them, then rubs his eyes, and looks again.

CHARLIE

Holy shit, I gotta stop sniffing so

much glue.

QUESTLOVE

Charlie you dont want to do this.

CHARLIE

Hey, how do you know my name?

BLACK THOUGHT

Were your guardian angels, Charlie.

CHARLIE

Oh. Hey I didnt know there were black

angels.

QUESTLOVE

Why wouldnt there be? Gods black.

Charlie looks wide eyed.

MAC (V.O.)

Bull shit.

BACK TO:

PADDYS PUB

Mac stomps around the room.

MAC

That is bull shit. Its not true.

SWEET DEE

Jesus, Mac. Whats your problem?



MAC(angry)

God isnt black Charlie, he just

isnt.

CHARLIE

Hey chill out man Im just telling you

what the angels said.

MAC

Yeah, well whatever. Thats blasphemy,

youre going to hell dude.

DENNIS

Mac, calm down.

FRANK

Yeah, I want to hear about Charlies

angels.

CHARLIE

Yeah, okay so anyway.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK: EXT. WALT WHITMAN BRIDGE

BLACK THOUGHT

What, you got a problem with black

people?

CHARLIE

What? Me? No, I love black people.

Love, love, love, them you know. Just

cant get enough of that BBC.

Charlie immediately regrets his words. Quest and Thought look disgusted.



QUESTLOVE

Whoa, hold on there, Charlie. Were

black not gay.

Charlie catches himself with a stupid smile on his face.

CHARLIE

Yeah, no, of course you arent. I

mean, Im not either. I just meant.

Charlie does the snorting thing.

QUESTLOVE

Hey, calm down, calm down. Its okay

Charlie. Were just here to tell you

that you dont need to jump.

CHARLIE(whining)

Yeah but the waitress.

QUESTLOVE

Well you know how to fix that right?

CHARLIE

No, I have no idea! Thats why Im up

here.

QUESTLOVE

Oh, well its obvious. You have to

trash that guys apartment.

CHARLIE

Really?

BLACK THOUGHT

If you trash it, she will come.



Charlie scratches his head.

CHARLIE

Well alright, I dont really see how

that would help, but you guys are the

angels I guess.

BLACK THOUGHT

You bet your ass we are.

Charlie thinks for a second.

CHARLIE

I dont know he seemed like a good

guy.

The angels raise their eyebrows.

CHARLIE (CONTD)

Alright, Ill do it.

QUESTLOVE

There you go.

Charlie starts jumping up and down.

CHARLIE(excited)

Yeah, thats what Ill do, thanks gu--

A beer can flung from a passing car hits Charlie on the back of the head. He plummets toward the river. The angels watch as he falls.

BLACK THOUGHT

Oh shit.

Charlie splashes in the water. The angels cringe, then shrug and disappear into the sky.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

EXT. ABANDONED ALLEY - DAY

Charlie lays asleep on a pile of trash in a dirty back alley. A mangy stray dog nibbles on his pant leg. Charlie shoots upright, awake.

CHARLIE

Oh god!

Charlie looks around, disoriented. He shoos away the dog.

CHARLIE (CONTD)(rubbing his head)

Where am I?

An arm emerges around Charlies shoulder, and MARTHA, an old homeless woman pulls herself up, smiling a toothy grin.

MARTHA

Good morning, big boy.

Charlie looks at Martha then jumps up screaming.

CHARLIE

Where am I?

MARTHA(standing)

Were by the railyard.

We see that Martha has an old polaroid CAMERA around her neck.

CHARLIE

Did we?

MARTHA

You bet your sweet tush.

Martha reaches over and SMACKS Charlie on the ASS. He barks.



CHARLIE(pacing)

Oh god, oh god, oh god. What is going

on?

MARTHA(holding up camera)

I have polaroids.

Charlie looks back at Martha disregarding her statement.

CHARLIE

Thats great. Ugh, I cant remember

anything.

Martha walks toward Charlie in an old, creepy way.

MARTHA

Oh, poor dear. Let me rub your back.

Martha begins to rub his back. Charlie shrugs her off.

CHARLIE

No, please dont.

Charlie pauses to think.

CHARLIE (CONTD)

Look, I have no idea whats going on,

or how I got here. All I know is that

I need to get back to Paddys and try

and figure all of this out.

Charlie walks off, Martha follows.

MARTHA

Oh Paddys sound nice.

CHARLIE

Yeah, well youre not coming.



Martha hangs her head.

MARTHA

Oh. When will you be back?

Charlie stops in place and turns around.

CHARLIE

Back? Im never coming back here

again.

Charlie starts walking.

CHARLIE (CONTD)(shaking head)

Weird old lady.

Marta starts following.

MARTHA

Wait!

Charlie stops and turns around.

CHARLIE

What?

MARTHA(teary)

I just dont know what I did.

Charlie sighs, feeling bad.

CHARLIE

Oh shit, well I didnt think youd get

upset.

MARTHA

What wife wouldnt be upset to learn

her husband is leaving her?



CHARLIE(oblivious)

Ah ha.(realizes)

Wait, whos your husband?

Martha wipes a tear from her face.

MARTHA

You are Charlie. Dont you remember?

CHARLIE(oblivious)

Ah ha.(realizes)

Oh shit!

MARTHA

I have polaroids.

BACK TO:

PADDYS PUB

The gang stands engaged in Charlies story.

MAC

Holy shit Charlie! What did you do?

Martha walks on screen from the bathroom. The gang looks at her.

DENNIS

Jesus, you brought her here?

CHARLIE(frustrated)

I didnt know what to do!

Martha slowly hobbles toward the gang.



MARTHA

Arent you going to introduce me to

your friends, Charlie?

CHARLIE

Oh yeah, right. Gang this is Martha,

Martha this is the gang.

MARTHA

Its nice to finally meet Charlies

friends, hes told me so me so much

about you.

The gang forces smiles at Martha and reluctantly greet her.

SWEET DEE

Yeah, you too. Martha, do you mind if

we talk to Charlie alone for a second?

MARTHA

Sure.(lifts camera)

I have polaroids.

The gang huddles around Charlie whispering.

CHARLIE(frustrated)

She keeps saying that. I have no idea

what it means.

DENNIS

You seriously dont know what-- look

never mind thats not important.



MAC

Charlie, you need to divorce this

gross old lady.

SWEET DEE(disgusted)

Yeah she is... Somthing else.

CHARLIE

I know that, you guys think I dont

know that? She doesnt want to though.

DENNIS

Well thats too bad. Youre the man,

you say what goes.

SWEET DEE

Well thats nice, ass hole. You know

she has a say too.

MAC

Shut up Dee!

DENNIS

Yeah no one asked you.

FRANK

Whos side are you on?

SWEET DEE

Well Charlies obviously. But Im just

saying, you cant just treat-

DENNIS

Im just saying blah blah blah. Look

this is the man zone.



MAC

All men all the time.

SWEET DEE

Yeah, well I can see that since

theres never any chicks in the bar.

CHARLIE

Guys!

DENNIS

Right, we got to get you divorced.

FRANK

Charlie, did you sign a pre-nup?

CHARLIE

Did I sign a pre-nup? I dont know I

cant remember! I dont think so.

MAC

Oh well thats no good.

CHARLIE

Its not? Why not?

MAC

Well when you get divorced, she can

take half of all your shit.

DENNIS

Yeah remember Maureen Ponderosa? Im

still paying off her debt.

SWEET DEE

Wait I thought that was alimony?



DENNIS

It doesnt matter what it is Dee.

FRANK

Charlie, she could take the apartment.

MAC

Look, theres a chance Charlie signed

a pre nup and just forgot. Lets go

down to the divorce court and check it

out.

CHARLIE

Dude, shes not going to do that.

MAC

She will if we trick her. I have an

idea. Dennis, you still carry around

your sleep mask?

Dennis smiles and pulls a SLEEP MASK out of his back pocket.

DENNIS

Got it right here.

MAC

Good.

The gang breaks and Mac and Dennis approach Martha who is looking through POLAROIDS.

DENNIS

Hey Martha, hows it going?

Martha peers up.



MARTHA

Oh good, honey. Im just looking

through my polaroids.

MAC

Gee thats great. Hey so we were

thinking we should take you to lunch.

You know, to celebrate you and Charlie

getting married and all.

MARTHA(surprised)

That would be wonderful.

DENNIS

Great. Now we want it to be a surprise

so...

Dennis puts the mask on Martha.

DENNIS (CONTD)

Were going to need you to wear this

until we get there.

MARTHA

Oh, I love surprises.

Martha puts her hands out to feel the way.

DENNIS(under breath)

Not this one.

MARTHA

Whats that dear?

MAC

Oh, he said please, come.



Mac grabs Marthas arm and leads her away. He and Dennis wink and shoot their fingers at each other as if they were guns.

INT. DIVORCE COURT - LATER

The gang enters the busy court room. It is filled with tons of unhappy couples yelling at each other. Martha has her arm around Charlies. His other arm holds a WALKMAN with HEADPHONES.

MARTHA(leans in)

Are we there yet Charlie?

Martha tries to take off the mask but Charlie stops her.

CHARLIE

Almost. Hey do you like Blues

Traveler?

MARTHA

I do.

CHARLIE

Great, here.

Charlie puts the HEADPHONES over Marthas head and hands her the WALKMAN. Martha bobs her head to the song.

Mac and Dennis approach the black woman, SHIONE, sitting behind the counter.

DENNIS

Hey, hows it going...

Dennis reads the name tag.

DENNIS (CONTD)(struggling)

Shione?



SHIONE(attitude)

Actually its Cheyenne. What can I help

you with today?

MAC

Oh, well our friends Charlie got him

self in a little bit of trouble lately

and married a homeless lady--

DENNIS

Long story short, Charlie needs a

divorce.

SHIONE(sassy)

Uh huh. Well Ill need to see his

marriage certificate and a valid state

I.D.

DENNIS

Right.(yells over shoulder)

Charlie, she needs the marriage

certificate.

CHARLIE(yells)

What?

MAC

The marriage certificate!

CHARLIE

Oh. We dont have one of those!



DENNIS

What!?

CHARLIE

A marriage certificate! We dont have

one.

SHIONE

If they never signed a marriage

certificate then technically, they

arent married.

MAC(excited)

What?

DENNIS

Well thats great!

MAC(yelling over shoulder)

Charlie, you arent married!

CHARLIE

What!?

MAC/DENNIS

You arent--

DENNIS

Look this is a waste of time.(to Shione)

Thanks.

SHIONE

Dont mention it.

Dennis and Mac approach Charlie and the gang.



MAC

Charlie, because you never signed a

marriage certificate you and Martha

were never legally married.

CHARLIE(excited)

We werent? Well thats great!

The gang bounces up and down in excitement.

SWEET DEE

Wait what are we going to do about

Martha?

The gang looks over at Martha, who is oblivious due to the music and mask. She still bobs her head to the music. The gang slowly sneaks away, out the door, watching her.

MARTHA

Charlie? Can I take these off now?

Charlie?

FADE TO BLACK.

END OF ACT TWO



TAG

FADE IN:

INT. PADDYS PUB - LATER

The gang sits around the bar, Frank, Mac, and Dennis drinking beer on the stools and Charlie and Dee on the other side.

FRANK

You really dodged a bullet there

Charlie. Getting married was the worst

thing to ever happen to me.

DENNIS

Yeah Frank but then you wouldnt have

met us.

Frank turns his head to look at Dennis.

FRANK(shrugs)

Eh.

SWEET DEE

Bitter old man.

MAC

Hey Charlie, you might want to get

tested. Who knows wha--

The waitress quickly enters the bar.

WAITRESS(angry)

Charlie, what the hell?

CHARLIE

What did I do this time?

The waitress stops and points at Charlie.



WAITRESS

You know exactly what you did.

CHARLIE

Uh no, I dont. This weeks been a

little crazy for me so...

WAITRESS

You wrecked Chads apartment!

CHARLIE

Chad? Whos Chad?

WAITRESS

Whos Chad? My fiance... or should I

say ex-fiance. He dumped me Charlie.

CHARLIE(fakes sympathy)

Oh well Im sorry to hear that.

WAITRESS

Well you should be sorry. Its your

fault!

CHARLIE(doubtful)

I dont know--

DENNIS(laughing)

Wait, you were seriously going to

marry a guy named Chad?

MAC

What a douchy name.



SWEET DEE

Yeah, tell me about it.

The waitress gives the gang the stink eye.

WAITRESS

Yeah, well I cant be waiting around

for you forever, Dennis.

DENNIS(sipping beer)

I have no idea what that means.

WAITRESS

Of, course you dont Dennis, because

you guys are ass holes. Every single

one of you!

The waitress moves toward the exit.

WAITRESS (CONTD)

One day youll all get whats coming

to you! Mark my words, one day!

The waitress exits.

DENNIS

But seriously Charlie, you should get

tested.

Charlie thinks for a second.

CHARLIE(shrugs)

Eh.

FADE TO BLACK.

END OF EPISODE



it's always sunny in philadelphia "charlie marries a tweaker" - unofficial spec script

Documents