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www.theheckler.comFREE IN THE US / $50 IN CANADA Vol 9 Issue 1 * JANUARY 2011

CUBS RENAMED!

HIGH TIMES FOR NOAH

CONVENTION NEWS

KEEPING UP WITH TOM RICKETTS & MUCH MORE

BULLS BIG MAN TURNS CAST INTO

HUGE BONG

SORIANO CONTRACT BLAMED FOR

GLOBAL RECESSION

EXCLUSIVE!!

“MORE DAMAGE THAN THE WORLD’S ECONOMY CAN HANDLE” - TIM GEITHNER

“I SHOULD HAVE JUST BOUGHT AN OVERPRICED CONDO” - JIM HENDRY

When Cubs fans saw Ryan Dempster at the convention this year, they were probably more inclined to assume the character in question was an escaped guard from the local Canadian

consulate looking feverishly for maple syrup, rather than a starting pitcher in the team’s rotation. That’s because Dempster has finally won an exhaustive battle with organizers to open the event with him sing-ing the national anthem of his native country, dressed in a full Canadian Mountie uniform. Dempster’s catcher Geovany Soto weighed in on the issue.

“This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen,” he said. “I’ve got nothing against Canada, but this doesn’t make any sense.”

Other Cubs players like fellow pitcher Kerry Wood expressed fear for the event.

“We’ve got bigger problems than Dempster looking like an idiot,” said Wood. “His voice is so awful it will do damage to animals and small children. Demp’s voice is more annoying than Ronnie Woo-Woo.”

by ANDY LANDGREBE

Dempster’s national pride gets in the way as pitcher insists on singing ‘Oh Canada’ to start Convention ... in a full Mountie uniform!

CANADIAN CRAZINESS AT THE CONVENTION

The Cubs have announced they will provide earplugs to all Canada-haters in attendance, for the low price of $9.95 a pair.

TROUBLE FOR OTHER PITCHERS!

While Dempster’s Canadian National An-them prank flopped, the Convention got off to even rougher start for Kerry Wood and Carlos Silva.

Wood injures pitching arm in Hilton elevatorMuch to the chagrin of fans attending the Cubs Convention, Kerry Wood arrived to Friday’s opening ceremonies at the Hilton Chicago wearing a sling on his pitching arm after injuring his elbow earlier in the day pushing a button in the hotel’s elevator. The latest incident is just another in a long line of ailments that have landed the hurler on the disabled list 14 times in 13 MLB seasons.

“I meant to hit ‘lobby’ but accidentally pressed ‘lower lobby’ and felt a sudden twinge in my elbow,” said Wood. “It’s just one of those freak things that could happen to anyone.”

Cubs’ trainer Mark O’Neal did not seem alarmed by the latest Wood injury and has prescribed him anti-inflammatory drugs and regular spa treatments to get the elbow into tip-top shape for Spring Training.

“I want him in the hot tub three times a day for the next month to lubricate the elbow joint,” said O’Neal. “I can’t see how he could

hurt himself any more this way.”by JEREMY BAREWIN

<<< Carlos Silva kissing booth fails to draw even one single fanAcquired last off-season, the perfor-mance of Carlos Silva was a pleasant surprise for much of the 2010 season. The Cubs marketing team tried to parlay that success by stationing the beefy pitcher at the kissing booth for-merly manned by Ryan Theriot, who was dealt to the Dodgers last year and now plays for the Cardinals. Unfortunately, not one Cubs fan stopped by the booth in five hours,

leading team officials to shut it down.

EXCLUSIVE

PHOTOSconventiontakes to the street

Brothers Tom and Todd Ricketts will be performing their self-titled Ricketts Robot mime routine outside the Hilton this weekend in an attempt

to raise money for repairs to Wrigley Field. The pair donned silver paint and duct tape while they danced to music from the 1980s blaring from a large boom box. “We are thinking outside the box to help increase fan awareness of the possible $200 million worth of renovations that are neces-sary at the stadium. We’re hoping to raise enough money to renovate a men’s room today,” said Tom, while pointing to the bucket near the brothers’ performance area. “My parents sent us to performance art camp when we were kids, and I feel that we have an opportunity to bring those valuable skills to our most pressing objectives now.” Todd Ricketts, holding a sign reading “Rick-etts Robots Rock for Wrigley,” agreed.

“Dude, the last time we brought out the Ricketts Robot, it was our high school tal-ent show and we won a gift certificate to Applebee’s,” he said. “It was one of the most awesome nights of my life.” Fans at the convention had mixed feelings on the fund-raising efforts. “I think the outrageous prices I’m paying for tickets in the bleachers should be enough to pay for something,” said season ticket holder John Franklin. “Like a closer, or Soriano being able to find the cutoff man.” On the other end of the spectrum, Lakeview native Lindsay Horton happily donated a few quarters. “Why not give to Wrigley?” she asked. “I mean, I don’t see a return on what I give to those bucket boys, but these two dorks they hired to dance are ridiculously entertaining.”

by MARCI VAN GILDER-RUBIN

RICKETTS BROTHERS BEG for $200 million in change

while RYNO PROTESTS managerial choice at Hilton

A pair of confused tourists pose with Tom Ricketts while he performs his mime routine outside the Hilton to raise the $200 million needed to renovate Wrigley. BELOW: Ryne Sandberg protests

RYNO REFUSES TO GO QUIETLYCubs legend Ryne Sandberg was passed over for the team’s managerial job this year with GM Jim Hendry instead hired 19-year coaching vet Mike Quade to lead the Cubs in 2011. Sandberg voiced his displeasure by carrying a “Passion NOT Experience!” sign outside the Conven-tion. His efforts were in vain as most fans mistook him for just another disgruntled Chicago union fat cat.

COMpLETE 2011 CUBS CONVENTION pANEL SCHEDULE, pRESENTED BY THE HECkLERThe following panels and seminars have been added to this year’s Cubs Convention sched-ule. Please stop by The Heckler booth (No. 58) for time and location details.

Friday“The Art of Hitting a Curveball” featuring Alfonso Soriano

“110%, 110% of the Time” with Aramis Ramirez

“My Struggles With Weight” featuring Car-los Silva. First 500 fans receive a free nacho tray from the food court. In fact, the entire seminar will be held in the food court.

Ryan Dempster talks postgame celebration safe-ty, while dangling from a second floor balcony

“Carlos Zambrano: I really expected to be traded by now, I have no idea why I'm still here. But, since I'm here, I'll offer some tips on how not to hurt yourself while beating the crap out of teammates in the dugout”

Carlos Pena: What I learned from reading Ted Williams’ “The Art of Hitting”Hint: Not Much!

“Never, Ever, Ever Give Up” featuring re-tired manager and current Denny’s Customer of the Month Lou Piniella

“Turn That Large Payroll into Champion-ships!” with Cubs GM Jim Hendry

“Best Hangouts in Des Moines” featuring Jeff Samardzija

“Why you should never sign a contract after a few beers at D'Agostino's” by Kerry Wood

Saturday“Life After Hype” with Kosuke Fukudome and former Cub sensation Gary Scott

Pat Hughes and How to Describe Cubs Con-ventioneer's Outfits in 10 Words or Less

Let Ryne Sandberg take you on a virtual tour of the lovely city of Lehigh Valley, a.k.a. “The Crown Jewel of Triple-A Baseball for at Least Four Months Until I Get a Real Job.”

“Nap Time: How I Spent The 2010 Season” a photo essay by Aramis Ramirez

Tom Ricketts on Effective Government Rela-tions

Koyie Hill discusses ways to keep your job when you're only good at half of the stuff you do

“A Detailed Look at English Maritime Trade Policy and Taxation During the 100 Years War” with Ronnie Woo-Woo

“Magic!” featuring Ryan Dempster and his semi-foxy assistant Sheila

“How to Secretly Get in Football Shape Without Voiding Your Massively Overpaid Baseball Contract” by Jeff Samardzija

Sunday“What Channel is the Bears Game on?” by everyone at Kitty O’Shea’s

“The Chick(s) I Slept With Last Night” hosted by Mark Grace and TBD(s)

“I'm Not Tim Stoddard” by Rick Reuschel

“Evaluation of Cubs Wives” featuring Laura Ricketts and friends

“The Japanese Art of Lowering Expecta-tions” with Kosuke Fukudome

“Can You Believe Lovie Let Martz Call that Play?” by everyone at Kitty O’Shea’s

“Thank God It Wasn't Me” featuring the Guy Who Sat Next to Bartman

“Best Places for Late Night Munchies in Major League Cities” with Geovany Soto and former White Sox hurler Freddy Garcia

Quade’s new gold hoop

earring might prove to be ill-

advised after the skipper was

recently mistaken for Mr. Clean

while washing his car.

QUADE’S TURN!

While Quade is taking over the reins at 1060 W. Addison, security has been told to be on alert for a senile Lou Piniella at this year’s Cubs Convention. How times change!

New Cubs manager Mike Quade was a darkhorse candidate to take over the team despite leading Chicago to a 24-13

record after taking over for Lou Piniella last August. Now that he’s got a two-year contract, he can finally start to get used to life as a big league manager and Cubs fans can begin to acquaint themselves with the long-time coach. Mistaken for Mr. Clean While Washing Car Quade was mistaken for Mr. Clean by a large group of Cubs fans while washing his car last week, team sources have con-firmed. Despite near sub-zero conditions, the cue-balled skipper was at a self-wash station wearing a short sleeve shirt, and sporting a newly acquired gold hoop earring. At the time, his arms were crossed as he waited for the car to dry, leading a young

child at the car wash to exclaim, “Mr. Clean is real! I knew it!” Quade took the case of mistaken identity well. “I wanted to get a gold earring like the one Michael Jordan used to wear, so I could maybe get into a Fruit of the Loom commercial with him,” said Quade. “A sort of ‘Chicago’s two Mikes’ kind of thing. I guess I failed to realize how star-tling a resemblance I have to Mr. Clean. Really, I should have just thought that idea through a little bit more.” Quade’s agent confirmed that the new skipper was unable to land his Fruit of the Loom gig, but he is in talks with the Mr. Clean company to replace the origi-nal animated spokesperson. by JEFF GOODSMITH

The first night of the Cubs Convention had already taken place and the Chicago Hilton was quiet Friday night when Mike Quade came burst-ing in through the revolving door and asked a bellhop where he could find the fan fest. Quade told the bellhop that he thought the convention

was not until July and that the season didn’t start until Aug. 23. “Mr. Quade had not even waxed his head yet,” said the bellhop. “His head didn’t have its normal shine so I didn’t believe him when he said he was Mike Quade, or when he claimed he didn’t know the Cubs Convention was in Janu-ary.” The bellhop escorted Quade to a security office in the basement to meet hotel security. After showing proper identification and undergoing a scalp inspection to prove that the subject wasn’t an imposter, Quade was released. The detec-tive clarified for the Cubs skipper’s edification that the Blackhawks hold their convention in July. “Tom [Ricketts] left me a message on my home phone on Thursday, but I just got it since I was away on vacation,” said Quade, who hustled to the Chicago Hilton from his Evanston residence. “This is embarrassing, to say the least,” Quade said as he briefly awaited a cab outside the hotel. “I didn’t start managing until late August last year and was under the impression it would be that way in 2011. I promise nothing like this will happen ever again.’’ Quade said that he picked up a Cubs schedule at the front desk on his way out of the hotel and that he would be sure to use it. by ROB C. CHRISTIANSEN

Surprised to learn managerial duties start in January

New Cubs skipper is getting used to roles and perks that come with life on top, including

a prime parking spot for his Taurus although Chicagoans recently

confused the chrome dome for Mr. Clean

QUADE’S TURN!

Quade ‘super excited’ to have manager’s parking spot all year

When Lou Piniella left the Cubs last August, he left his Lincoln Town Car behind in Wrigley Field’s manager’s parking spot for the rest of the season, forcing interim manager Mike Quade to park his car across the street at McDonald’s.

“Look, I got out of town so quickly, I forgot to take my car with me,” said Pini-ella. “What do you want me to do about it? I felt bad for Mike, I really did.” The modest Quade, who drives a 2006 Taurus with the license plate BALDY57,

didn’t mind the walk from across the street, but was happy to hear that Piniella’s car had finally been towed away this winter, opening up the manager’s parking spot for himself. “It’s like going from the outhouse to the penthouse. I’m super excited,” said Quade of his new accommodations in the team parking lot located just outside the left field grandstand. “Peanut shells, hot dog wrappers, bird crap, urine, vomit. I can’t wait.” by JEREMY BAREWIN

When a bald-headed man is driving a Taurus in their neighborhood, Wrig-leyville residents can make sure it’s

Quade by the BALDY57 license plate.

For most ballplayers, the first piece of business they must perform after being signed by a new team is pass-ing a physical to prove they are fit

to play. For Adam Dunn, it was being fitted with an electric shock collar that will be used to prevent him from playing first base this season for the White Sox. Dunn made no secret of his disinterest in being acquired solely as a designated hitter. Unfortunately for him, the White Sox pitch-ing staff relies on ground ball outs and are worried about him running onto the field in order to play defense. To keep him away from first base, the Sox have installed an underground electric fence

around the diamond at U.S. Cellular Field. Any time Dunn walks near first base when the Sox take the field, the collar will go off, sending the 100 volts necessary to subdue the giant slugger. The White Sox plan on issuing a warning on tickets and before each game telecast explaining that viewers might be witness to Dunn convulsing uncontrollably in the dug-out. Still, many people wonder if this will result in an injury to their prized free agent. “He was nearly killed the first time he tried it on,” said an unconcerned Kenny Wil-liams. “And I think if dogs can learn not to cross the fence, so can Adam Dunn.” by MICHAEL kLOEMpkEN

RIGHT: Williams and Dunn pose late last year when the non-fielding slugger signed with the White Sox. Note the shock collar on Dunn and remote in Williams’ right hand. Dunn’s time in Chicago is sure to be hair-raising!

Roberto Alomar was named to 12 All-Star teams and won 10 Gold Gloves, which was apparently enough for Hall

of Fame voters despite the second baseman’s two terrible stints with the White Sox late in his career. Alomar, often considered to be one of the elite defensive second base-men in MLB history, won Gold Gloves for the Blue Jays, Orioles and Indians before forgetting to bring his range with him to the South Side. He is also a lifetime .300 hitter who stroked a Carlos Pena-like .180 while on the ’04 Sox and collected just

75 of his 2,724 hits during his two sojourns in silver and black. “I am extremely happy that the vot-ers were able to forget the fact the Sox traded for me, let me go, and traded for me again, even though I was way past my prime,” said Alo-mar. “Despite therapy, I haven’t been able to forget.” Immediately upon hearing of Alo-mar’s regrets, official White Sox spokesperson Oney Guillen tweeted, “robbeee, we all no sandi is the reel alomer. U aint nuttin.” by TIM BUTTERLY

Oney Guillen’s remarks about former Sox closer Bobby Jenks earned the son of the controversial

skipper criticism on virtually every sports talk show. Never one to back down from a fight, Oney defended himself via Twitter this week. “I m not a incompitint dooshbahg,” Oney stated passionately. Guillen lashed back at his critics, asking those who judge him to first look in the mirror. “peepul think u no me,” said Oney. “haha memo to u peepul get a clue u have problems now u go and talk bad bout oney.”

ELECTRIFYING: DUNN FITTED WITH SHOCk COLLAR TO kEEp HIM FROM pLAYING FIRST!

WHITE SOX NEWS

Alomar makes HOF despite two stints with White Sox

Oney Guillen Twitter defense: ‘I m not a incompitint dooshbahg’

The son of the only living man-ager to bring a Chicago team to the World Series made it known he will not be bullied by those who wish to question his outgoing personal-ity. “one little story rememer when u wer a punk and i protect ur ass,” Oney reminded the public. “be a man.” by TIM BUTTERLY

While in town this week promoting his new film “The Dilem-ma,” Lake Forest native Vince Vaughn has dropped hints he might be ready to jump on the Bears bandwagon now that the team has a No. 2 seed in the NFC playoffs. Like most

Chicago celebrities, Vaughn only follows local teams when he can be assured of massive national TV exposure by scoring primo seats to big games. Vaughn is a little late to the party, but he thinks the reason it took him so long to realize the Bears were good was due to his Stanley Cup hangover.

HOLLYWOOD BEAT

Vince Vaughn

aLMOST REaDY TO jUMP ON BEaRS BaNDwaGON!

“I’ve been a lifelong Blackhawks fan for at least eight months,” said Vaughn. “I partied so much after the Stanley Cup win, I’m just now realizing there’s another Chicago team I could attach myself to in order to promote my persona and whatever it is I have going on.” Vaughn has taken over for Jim Belushi as the Chicago sports go-to celebrity ever since Belushi proved he wasn’t in the know by calling Cubs president Crane Kenney “Crane Kennedy” back in 2008.

Vaughn admires himself on the JumboTron at a 2010

Stanley Cup game. BELOW: Vaughn enjoys a championship party

with Chicago C-lister Billy Dec and “some toothless guy

from the Blackhawks.”

by VINCE LiFONTI

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Who Wore it Better?

Carlos Zambrano was spotted at a recent Bulls game channeling his in-ner Alicia Keys with some tight cornrows. We might keep falling in and out of love with Big Z, but this hair style is to die for!

HE DID!

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You show up and The Heckler handles all the arrangements. Non-airfare packages start at just $325 a person but you’ve got to get onboard right away.

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pREDICTIONS FOR 2011