javascript for assholes (sample)

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JavaScript for Assholes

2012 Thomas S. Bradford

This version was published on 2012-08-15

This is a Leanpub book, for sale at:

http://leanpub.com/javascriptforassholes

Leanpub helps authors to self-publish in-progress ebooks.

We call this idea Lean Publishing. To learn more about

Lean Publishing, go to: http://leanpub.com/manifesto

To learn more about Leanpub, go to:http://leanpub.com
http://leanpub.com/http://leanpub.com/manifestohttp://leanpub.com/javascriptforassholes


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Tweet This Book!

Please help Thomas S. Bradford by spreading the word

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The suggested hashtag for this book is#js4assholes.

Find out what other people are saying about the book byclicking on this link to search for this hashtag on Twitter:

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Contents

Warning 1

Who is This Book For? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

Why Am I Writing This Book? . . . . . . . . . 3To Readers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4

To Reviewers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

Chapter One - JavaScript Goes Forth! 6

Computer Programming . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

What Do I Need To Do First? . . . . . . . . . . 11

Your First Shitty Program . . . . . . . . . . . . 16

Data, Hes An Android, Right? . . . . . . . . . . 20


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Warning

Throughout this text, I will be vulgar and somewhat insult-

ing. I will also speak in the first person and share far more

personal information with you than can be considered

appropriate. If you cant stomach that, then kindly fuck

off.

No, seriously, fuck off.

Who is This Book For?

Despite its title, its actuallynotfor Assholes.

Im about to date myself, but I started programming in

around 1984, long before the commercial Internet and back

when the only way to obtain programming knowledge

without college was to join user groups where you ex-

changed 5.25 inch floppies with one another. Sure, you

could subscribe to Dr. Dobbs, but who had the cash for

that? I was 12 years old, and I had to ask my mother for

arcade money.

But regardless of our new-found immediate access to knowl-

edge, what was true then is true now there are two kinds

of programmers. There are the ones who feel a camaraderie

with their peers and those who feel a rivalry. Unfortu-

nately, despite the free software movements professed

stance on sharing, it seems as though those guys quite oftenfall into the rivalry camp.

1


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Warning 2

Curious where Im going with this? Okay, many of these

free software guys are complete fucking pricks who treat

newbies as if theyre some sort of diseased pieces of

shit, and theyre particularly brutal if those newbies show

even the slightest indication of coming from a world about

which theexpertprick isnt dogmatic.

For example, a newbie user once proposed a patch toa very popular Python open source project. The patch

addressed a major flaw in that projects wire protocol.

The author, instead of thanking the user for the patch and

accepting it humbly, attempted to humiliate the user by

pointing out the fact that his coding style seemed very

influenced by Java.

Hey, Douchbag! Your software was broken! This guy, even

if hes new to Python, was smart enough to identify and

correct yourblunder! Instead of trying to humiliate him,

you should be kissing his ass and asking him to contribute

to your project. Id rather your software workthan fit some

purists concept of what Python code should look like. You

fuckin dick!

And this is not an isolated incident. I see it all the time, and

it seems to be getting worse. Why should newbies feel

as if they have to apologize for seeking knowledge? Why

should they be told Well, a quick Google search would

tell you when you could just help them? I find it ironic

and utterly fucking shameful that the same people who

tout the virtues of Pair Programming are so quick to deny

someone the type of knowledge sharing that comes with


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Warning 3

human interaction.

Ive always felt a camaraderie with those downtrodden

newbies, possibly because the same sort ofdickishtreat-

ment was bestowed upon me when I was young. When I

was about 13 or 14, I phoned a very famous UNIX guy to

ask about his file transfer protocols SDK. It cost $80, but I

couldnt afford that, so I ask him if hed share it with me,to which his only repeated and socially-retarded reply was

Eighty Dollars!

Eighty Dollars, regardless of my pleas, over and over

again, and then, as my teenage voice finally cracked and

I had no choice but to admit defeat, he hung up the phone

on me. Ive had a bad taste in my mouth since then, and

the shitty behavior of many programmers hasnt assisted

in combating that.

So who is this book for? Its for you, kind and gentle

newbie. Im trying to save you the trouble of having to

ask some prick for help on the Internet only to be treated

like a fucking leper in the process. And heres a promise:

If I dont answer your questions in the book, ask me in reallife and I can guarantee you that I wont treat you like shit

After all, I was once you.

Why Am I Writing This Book?

I was sick of being bored to death by computer books, so I

set out to write one in my own voice, and as my own voice


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Warning 4

is one from Boston, Massachusetts, its laced with profanity

and a glaring lack of political correctness. I dont feel as

if a computer book has to read like a college text, and I

also dont think that learning needs to be such a serious

endeavor.

My goal is to drag your ass quickly from the very basics

of computer programming to complete proficiency thatis, inasmuch as anyone can actually be proficient. Along

the way, I will mislead you, insult you, and probably make

you laugh your ass off unless youre an uptight prick, in

which case you shouldnt be reading this book anyway. In

the process, Im hoping youll accidentally learn a thing or

two.

To Readers

For the most part, Im going to assume that you have

absolutely no programming knowledge whatsoever. One

mistake I see many authors make is that they rush in

with their cocks out, foolishly assuming that their audienceknows even the first thing about software development, so

except for this Introductory Rant, dont worry about feeling

lost as youre reading the book.

I will also avoid talking about HTML and CSS for as long as

possible. This is a JavaScript book, not an HTML book. Ill

discuss HTML only insomuch as it supports the JavaScript

skills that are being presented (e.g. DOM Manipulation bleh!). Otherwise, I have no interest in overloading you


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Warning 5

with presentation layer bullshit, especially if your hope is

to avoid HTML and CSS in your day to day work.

If youve downloaded this book from Leanpub.com, then

you hopefully know that its a work in progress, and that it

will be in a draft state for quite some time. So Id prefer that

you not complain about how short the book is or how its

missing chapters. My goal is to write a chapter per weekuntil the books completion, but as sometimes life gets in

the way, this may not always be possible.

To Reviewers

Ive published on Leanpub.com so that I can elicit earlyfeedback for the book and its direction. For the moment

Im more concerned with whether or not you feel the book

is engaging and whether or not youre actually learning the

material.

I dont care about formatting concerns, about spelling or

grammatical errors, and I certainly dont want to hear you

tell me that the material is profane or somehow offendsyour gentle sensibilities. You read the warning, and so if

you have a problem with my approach, then you should

have already fucked off.


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Chapter One - JavaScriptGoes Forth!

This chapter is a high level introduction to JavaScript. Well

quickly survey the landscape and some of the key topics,

but wont get into very much depth as that will be thepurpose of later chapters.

But before going forward, we should probably get some of

the basics out of the way. Youre either here because you

dont know shit about computer programming, or youre

coming from another programming language like Java

in which case, you probably also dont know shit about

computer programming.

So lets learn some shit.

Computer Programming

Much like the cast of Jersey Shore, computers are stupid

empty vessels that dont know how to do anything useful

on their own. They only do what theyre told, right or

wrong, and so the art of computer programming is learning

how to avoid telling computers to do the wrong things.

I say the wrong things because most of the time you

wont be telling a computer the right things, and thats okay

because you cant break your computer with JavaScript

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At least I dont think you can, but who knows, stranger

things have happened.

So dont approach computer programming as if it must

be done using an overly-structured methodology that is

supposed to consistently produce perfect results, because

it wont, it cant, and it shouldnt. The empirical method of

trial and error is essential to becoming a good programmer.Youre gonna fuck up, probably a lot, and thats a good

thing.

So are you ready to fuck up? Good! Ill help you!

Computer Programs

Computer programs consist of instructions for the com-

puter to perform on your behalf. These instructions may

be as simple as displaying Hello, World! on the screen or

as complex as auto-piloting an airplane. What separates

a good program from a bad program is whether or not

the airplane avoids flying into the ocean Unless that was

your intent.In modern nerd jargon, we call computer programs (or their

instructions) by the name of code and the act of creating

said code is referred to as coding. To take things to geek

extremes, computer programmers are often called coders.

Arent we fuckin clever? Yes, we are! Embarrassingly so!


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Programming Languages

Just like in the real world, where we need to communi-

cate with one another using some sort of understandable

language, so too do nerds have to talk to their computers.

Occasionally they speak to their computers out loud and in

vain, hoping that the computer will understand their woes,but more often than not, they resort to typing instructions.

And like the real world where there are many languages,

German being the one I refuse to speak, computer program-

ming is performed using many programming languages.

There are reasons why so many exist, some are practical,

for example there are languages specifically for storing

information and some for presenting information. Whileothers are purely stylistic, for example Ruby and Python

do almost exactly the same things, but nerds are religious

in their adoration for one or the other.

Personally, I think Python sucks, especially for beginners,

but Im espousing the virtues of JavaScript at the same time,

so what the fuck does that say about me?

Compilation or Interpretation?

Depending on the programming language youre writing

in, sometimes your code needs to be translated before it

can perform its intended task. This translation is called

compilation and it is the process of taking your shitty

code and converting it into the indecipherable garbage


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that the computer will use to crash your operating system

repeatedly.

Some examples of compiled languages include C++ and

Java. Fortunately for you though, were learning JavaScript,

and JavaScript doesnt need to be compiled, so lets move

on.

In the case of a language that is not compiled, we instead

say that it is interpreted. This basically means that you

give your code to another program and that program tries

to figure out what to do with it. When it comes to

JavaScript, your code isusuallygoing to be run by a Web

Browser, and thats good because it means the person who

youll subject to your masterpiece already has what they

need to use it.

Writing Programs for the Internet

When it comes to the Internet, we talk about its two

sides. These are the Client Side which is what the

user sees in his or her Web Browser, and the ServerSide which are programs running on somebody elses

computers. Server Side programs are the ones doing all the

hard work and consuming massive amounts of electricity,

while plunging the earth into a rapid downward spiral of

non-sustainability. But thats not your problem, is it?


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The Client Side - There be Monsters here

So far Ive set you up for failure because Im telling you that

youll be writing code and running it in a Web Browser.

What this means is that youll inevitably run into at least

one (or hundreds) of the browser incompatibilities that

exist, and trust me, there are a shitload of them.It used to be that people blamed Microsoft for these incon-

sistencies, and rightfully so because the company had a ten-

dency to implement things in their own way. This created

a massive minefield that one has to deal with, because not

only is Internet Explorer incompatible with other browsers,

but its also incompatible with itself between versions.

Another source of pain is that Windows users either dontknow how or are not allowed to upgrade to the latest

version of Internet Explorer, meaning there are still web

sites out there that need to support versions of IE that were

first released on Windows 98.

But more recently, new culprits have entered the scene.

Microsoft is no longer the diabolical bully on the block

trying to dominate and monopolize the market. These days

that honor is shared by both Google and Apple. Im sure

Ill complain more about them later, but for now we should

get back to programming talk.

The Server Side - A Land of Milk and Honey

Dont be disheartened by all of this Web Browser shitthough, because well also be discussing JavaScript on the


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Server Side, which canbe a rather enjoyable experience.

Granted, it wont be quite as enjoyable as those things

normalhumans consider enjoyable, but youre a nerd, so

normaldoesnt apply to you, does it?

The good thing about the Server Side is that you con-

trol it, so you dont have to deal with the overwhelming

volatility that targeting a Web Browser presents. Tradi-tionally, Server Side development has been done in lan-

guages like Java, Python or Ruby, but recently a platform

called Node.js has been gaining incredible popularity, and

deservedly so because its pretty fuckin awesome.

Fortunately for you, Node.js is a JavaScript platform, mean-

ing youll be learning skills that can be used on both the

Client and the Server Sides. I will also be dedicating a good

percentage of this book to Node.js, so keep your pants on

if you think the Client Side is for suckers, because well be

kicking Server ass as well!

What Do I Need To Do First?

Well, if you have a Web Browser, then you already have

part of what you need to get started, and I think most

operating systems come with at least one of those. On

Windows, youll have Internet Explorer, though I suggest

Firefox or Chrome since IE is, well IE, and it sucks. On the

Mac, youll have Safari, which also sucks in its own won-

derful ways, and on Linux youll have Firefox or maybe IceWeasel if youre one of those Debian Communists.


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Beyond that, most operating systems these days come with

some sortof Text Editor that you can use to write your

code. For example, Microsoft comes with Notepad, Mac

OS comes with TextEdit, and Linux comes with a behemoth

piece of shit called Emacs that the obese Jesus-bearded guys

seem to like. There are definitely better editors, but you

should learn how to actuallywritecode first.That said, even though Icouldtell you to crack open your

Web Browser and a Text Editor, Im not going to do that.

One of the best ways to learn a language is via discovery,

and me telling you to type a bunch of shit into a Text Editor,

save it to your hard drive, and then load it into a Browser

only inhibits your ability to discover. So I wont be that

kind of an asshole yet.

Instead, Im gonna be the kind of asshole who tells you that

you need to install something from the Internet. Specifi-

cally, you need to install Node.js. Mind you, we wont be

doing any realNode.js programming until later in the book,

but Node has an excellent tool that you can use to discover

all of the wonderful eccentricities that JavaScript plans to

hoist on you.

Installing Node.js

If youre using Windows or a Mac, then youll need to

point your Web Browser at Nodejs.org and download the

installer. The web site will explain how to do this, so Im

not gonna waste my breath. Its really not difficult, so ifyoure lost already, then you may want to close the book,


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walk away from your desk, and start a rewarding career

painting fruit or something.

If youre not using Windows or a Mac, then youre prob-

ably one of the 1% of masochists out there who are using

Linux. If you dont know what Linux is, dont worry, its

not important. Sufficed to say its an Operating System

written by nerds, and apparently written only for nerdssince they really havent been able to get the thing to a

usable state fornormalusers.

If youre using Ubuntu Linux, which is probably the only

flavor of Linux thatscloseto usable, then you can install a

not-very-up-to-date version of Node using the apt package

manager like so:

1 sudo apt-get install nodejs

If youre not using Ubuntu, then Im sure there are other

package managers that feature Node.js, but I have no idea

what youd have to do to install it. Instead, Id probably

suggest downloading the source code from the Node.js

web site and following the installation instructions. Hey,dont complain! Youre a Linux user, this type of bullshit

shouldnt be new to you! You bought into the nightmare

when you installed the operating system.

The Node.js REPL

Alright, so lets assume youve installed Node.js. Nowyoure asking yourself Why the hell did I just install


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Node.js?

The very simple answer is for its REPL.

REPL? you ask, What the fuck is REPL? Is that a sexually

transmitted disease or something?

Yes.

Okay, no. The Node.js REPL is a program that you use

to issue JavaScript instructions. The letters REPL stand for

Read, Eval, Print Loop which is actually self-describing if

you know anything about programming, but since I assume

you dont, let me talk about that a little.

Read means the program reads your instructions

Eval is short for Evaluate and means that the pro-

gram will then attempt to perform those instructions.

Nerds like to shorten things because theyre lazy.

Theyre also so arrogant that they just assume youll

understand what theyre talking about.

Print means it will display the result of those in-

structions to you

Loop means youll be able to do it over and over

To start the Node.js REPL, youll have to use your Oper-

ating Systems Terminal program. On Mac OS X, you can

find it in Applications -> Utilities -> Terminal. On Ubuntu

Linux, its calledgnome-terminalor something Terminal-like. On Windows, it used to be called cmd.exe, but I have


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Your First Shitty Program

As the saying goes, theres no better time than the present,

right? Lets write your first JavaScript program. Nor-

mally, an author will do something lame like print out

Hello World!, but I refuse to believe youre too stupid to

handle more than that. So what I want you to do is read thefollowing lines of code and type them into the Node REPL

verbatim:

1 > var count = 0;

2 > while ( count < 100 ) {

3 ... console.log("Hello, Asshole! How you like these apples?")

4 ... count = count + 1;

5 ... }

Did you type them verbatim? Dont tell me later that you

wrote Hello, Todd instead of Hello, Asshole! or Ill be

really pissed off.

After you type Enter at the end of the last line, youllnotice something. A bunch of shit printed out on your

screen. Annoying as fuck, aint it!? Rethinking your choice

to learn JavaScript? Keep your pants on, Ill make it sexy

for you!

1 Hello, Asshole! How you like these apples?

2 Hello, Asshole! How you like these apples?3 Hello, Asshole! How you like these apples?


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7 ...

Breaking it Down

Alright, so there is a lot to digest in these few lines of code.

1 var count = 0;

Here we are creating something called a variable and

assigning it a value of 0. In this case the variable is named

count, but it could have just as easily been called cnt

JavaScript will not censor you.

1 while ( count < 100 ) {

The line that begins with whileis the good shit! whileis

whats called a statement in JavaScript, and is a way totell it to repeat a set of instructions so long as a particular

condition is met. In this case, that condition is the value

pointed to by the count variable being less than 100.

1 console.log("Hello, Asshole! How you like these apples?");

The next line is the beginning of a function call. A functionis the basic unit of instruction re-use in JavaScript. If you


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paid attention in math class, youll know what a function

is, otherwise youre probably blinking your eyes repeatedly

in utter confusion right now. Just know that were calling

a function named log that belongs to an object called

consoleand handing to it something that it needs to tell

you And it will tell you a hundred times!

1 count = count + 1;

This is an assignment expression, and it will increment the

value pointed to by the count variable. What I mean by

this is that it will take whatever value count previously

pointed to, add 1 to that value, and then point count at

this new value. This line is important because if we dontincrement count, the condition that is tested on our while

line will never be met.

1 }

The last line closes the loop that was started with thewhile

statement on the second line. What this means is thateverything between the opening { and closing } will be

repeated as part of the loop, in this case our call to the log

function.

So what happens if you forgot to add the count = count

+ 1; line? You should try it! But be prepared to kill

your Terminal program or reboot your computer, because

otherwise its gonna be a long day waiting for the programto finish.


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TODO: This will be an aside

This idea of opening and closing is important to most

programming languages. What it does is establish some-

thing called a block, which is often used as a way of

defining repeatable or conditional instructions.

For example, say you have twenty kittens that need tobe shaved. You could write a program that instructs the

computer to do it with twenty lines of code, one line

for each kitten shaving instruction, or you could write a

program that instructs the computer to do it in five lines of

code (or maybe even one!) using a whileloop.

TODO: Awesome picture of Kitten Shaving Efficiency

Wrapping it Up

Weve just scratched the surface of this program. Theres

so much more to learn just about these few lines of code

that it might just cause your head to explode! For example,

whats this var shit about? And why do I have quotation

marks around the words Im going to display on the screen?

These questions, and more, will be answered, but first, we

should talk about data, because if you dont know what

data is and how a computer program interacts with it, then

youre going to be completely fucking lost going forward.


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Data, Hes An Android, Right?

Data is what its all about my friends. Without data, a

computer would have absolutely nothing to do. It would

live an existence much like a fat guy that ran out of bacon

and French fries. Without the ability to jam his face full of

food, he would be mostly idle, he might even have to findthings to do to relieve his boredom. My god, he might even

decide to go jogging!

Unfortunately, a computer cantdecidewhat to do when it

gets bored. You have to give it something it can chew on,

and in 100% of all these cases, youre giving it data.

Okay, so what is data?Dataisinformation and it can be managed and represented

in a bunch of ways. For example: The fat guy I spoke about

earlier? He weighs about 350lbs in Imperial measurements.

In this case, the data is a number. Interestingly enough, that

number is easily converted, for example it can be translated

to kilogramsto appease you European types, but at the

end of the day were talking about the same thing.

But fat boy also has a name, doesnt he? Lets call him

William, as in Will the Whale. His name is also data, but

in this case its a sequence of letters that form a word. Hes

unfortunate in that his name is such a great candidate for

alliteration, and so Im sure hes been tortured all of his fat

life, therefore it wont hurt to fuck with him some more.

unless such a marriage is illegal in your state


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And surely Will the Whale was born at some point, right?

I have it on good authority that he was born on March

5, 1987. Thats right around the time Americans were

becoming grossly obese, but nevermind that. In this case,

his birthdate is also data, albeit a little more complex than

his weight or name, but data nonetheless.

What I just described to you are three typesof data. Theword type is important because youll hear it often when

people are classifying data. In JavaScript, a series of letters

is known as a String, a number is known as a wait for it

Number, and a date, youre not gonna believe it, is known

as a Date. There are other types, but well get into those

later. For now its just important to understand that there

aredifferent types.

Introducing Objects

So what do these three types of data have in common? In

the real world, very little, because a number is a number,

a name is a name, and a date is a date, but in JavaScript

they are all treated as something called an Object. I almostwant to avoid talking about what an Object is at this point

because its not terribly important, and I also think the

name Object may be the stupidest fucking moniker of all

time. Nevertheless, here we go:

An object is data that may or may not be married to some

code. [1]

Mind you, this is not the textbook definition. Its not even


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thecorrectdefinition from a purist standpoint, but its the

best way to explain it to you at this point. So what does it

mean?

Well, as an example, lets talk about dates. On its own a

Date is as boring and useless as nipples on men. It can tell

us only one thing, but what if we wanted to find out more?

For example, what will the date be seven days from now?If its the fifth of the month, thats easy to guess, but its

not so easy to determine if its the twenty-seventh day of

the month, especially if its February.

So wouldnt it be nice if you could ask a Date a question like

that? Well lucky you, you can! This is where that married

to some code thing comes into play. Try this in the Node.js

REPL:

1 > new Date();

It will display something like:

1 Thu Jul 26 2012 19:18:45 GMT+0200 (CEST)

The current date and time! Or at least that was the

current date and time when I wrote this. In case you

were interested, I was on a train traveling from Berlin to

a shithole called Braunschweig. I highly recommend you

go there, if only because I want you to suffer as much as I

have.Now do the following:


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1 > var d = new Date();

What youve just done is create a new Date object and

assigned its value to a variable named d. Ill be talking

about what variables are in the next section, so keep your

pants on, because first I want to show you the fun stuff

type d. and press your [Tab] key!

A whole bunch of shit just spit out onto the screen! Heres

some of the more important stuff though:

1 d.constructor d.getDate d.getDay

2 d.getFullYear d.getHours d.getMillisecond

3 d.getMinutes d.getMonth d.getSeconds

4 d.getTime d.getTimezoneOffset d.getUTCDate

5 d.getUTCDay d.getUTCFullYear d.getUTCHours

6 d.getUTCMilliseconds d.getUTCMinutes d.getUTCMonth

7 d.getUTCSeconds d.getYear d.setDate

8 d.setFullYear d.setHours d.setMillisecond

9 d.setMinutes d.setMonth d.setSeconds

10 d.setTime d.setUTCDate d.setUTCFullYear

11 d.setUTCHours d.setUTCMilliseconds d.setUTCMinutes

12 d.setUTCMonth d.setUTCSeconds d.setYear

13 d.toDateString d.toGMTString d.toISOString

14 d.toJSON d.toLocaleDateString d.toLocaleString

15 d.toLocaleTimeString d.toString d.toTimeString

16 d.toUTCString d.valueOf

This is a feature of the Node REPL called Code Comple-tion and what its doing is taking your variable and telling


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you what it knows about it. Specifically, there are a bunch

of things that a Date can do and most of them seem related

to working with Dates. GO FIGURE!

Youre seeing this because a Date in JavaScript is not just

a simple value, but an object that has code married to it.

And Dates are just the tip of the iceberg.

Variables, Whats That All About?

Ive heard variables described as buckets before, but I

dont like that definition because in the real world a bucket

is a physical object that can be passed around just like its

contents. This creates an existential paradox by which the

world could explode, or at least your brain if you think

about it for too long.

So what is a variable? A variable is just a way you refer

to something Its a name. My name is Thom but the

name itself doesnt exist in the physical world, its just a

way to refer to me in a conversation or in an email or on a

tax form. For example, you might be talking to your friendand say Hey, that Thom is a real asshole. Youd be right.

Youd be justified. Youd probably become my best friend.

But Thom isnt my only name. Some people call me

Thomas, others call me Bradford and my mother calls

me Tommy but if you ever call me Tommy, you will not

be my best friend. Only Mom is allowed to do that. The

point Im making is that there is only one of me, and Impretty awesome, but there are many ways to refer to me.


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The same applies to variables. Multiple variables can refer

to a single value.

So when we wrote var d = new Date()wewerecreating a

new Date object, but d isnt the object, its just a name that

refers to it. Want proof? Trying to do the following:

1 > var d = new Date();

2 > var x = d;

Now both d and x refer to the same object. Dont believe?

Try it:

1 > d2 Thu Jul 26 2012 19:18:45 GMT+0200 (CEST)

3 > x

4 Thu Jul 26 2012 19:18:45 GMT+0200 (CEST)

See how variables and data arent inextricably linked?

Good. So are we finished on the subject of variables? Not

really, but lets move on anyway. This chapters gettingtoo long.

javascript for assholes (sample)

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