John PlonskiDatabase /Training CoordinatorCovenant House InternationalPresident NYS AIRSjplonski@covenanthouse.orgVoice: (212) 727-4040Fax: (212) 727-4964

When Work Hands you Fool’s Gold*: Difficult Interactions

AIRS 31st Annual I&R Training and Education Conference“Mining for I&R Excellence”

Reno, NVWednesday June 3, 2009

9:00 AM – 10:30 AM* A term for non-gold ore similar in color to gold, usually mistaken by beginning prospectors because of the brassy glitter. Usually it is iron pyrite or muscovite mica and can be easily tested by a streak test. (Gold will streak a bright yellow while pyrite will streak a blackish red).

John has been involved in crisis intervention since 1984. Beginning as an overnight volunteer crisis counselor for six years at Response of Suffolk County. Since 1989 John has worked for the Covenant House Nineline, a national crisis hotline for youth under 21 and their families. Over the years he has served Nineline as a crisis worker, shift supervisor, and is currently Nineline’s Database Coordinator. In this position he oversees the maintenance of the agency’s call entry and referral databases. At present Nineline’s referral database consists of over 30,000 records providing referrals throughout the United States and its territories.

John has presented basic and advanced crisis intervention skills development training for his own and other agencies. His presentations of various topics at training conferences on the state and national level have been well received. He has also developed skills development trainings for individual agencies. John has consulted on several of the AIRS on-line training modules as well as the AIRS/United Way “Managing the Surge: 2-1-1 Volunteer Surge Management Curriculum”. His involvement at the 2-1-1 call center in Monroe, LA following the 2005 Gulf storms lead to his becoming a member of the AIRS/United Way 2-1-1 Disaster Response Team. He has been a volunteer board member of the New York State Alliance of Information and Referral Systems (NYS AIRS) since 2000 and is currently their President.

John can be reached at jplonski@covenanthouse.org or by calling Covenant House International at (212) 727-4040.

Your presenter this afternoon

is...

Getting To Know YouNow that you know about me and since we are going to be together for a while let’s find out

something about you.

• Who has never had a call the frustrated them?

• When I hear . . . I know things will not go well.

• My favorite way to end a difficult call is to …

• From this workshop I hope to learn how to deal with …

• Who doesn’t like chocolate?

So just what is today’s goal?

The goal of the workshop is to look at those callers we term difficult, why we term them as such, and methods we can use to mitigate their impact.

We will gain an understanding of

• Which Callers we consider difficult

• What it is that makes them difficult to work with

• How to interact with such Callers in a manner that lessens the impact on Workers

So just what is today’s goal?

The goal of the workshop is to look at those callers we term difficult, why we term them as such, and methods we can use to mitigate their impact.

We will gain an understanding of

• Which Callers we consider difficult

• What it is that makes them difficult to work with

• How to interact with such Callers in a manner that lessens the impact on Workers

And most importantly we will come to understand the true nature of the

“Problem”

Our reactions to the interaction.

Most of the time we feel like this after a

call.

Other times…Not so good.

What makes certain Callers “Difficult”?

Difficult Callers are those whose:

• Motivation for calling is for purposes other than I&R

• Needs, conditions, or manner of presentation induces us to feel we lack the skills to address the situation

• Contact is motivated by a problem they are unwilling or unable to identify or address

• Behavior, lifestyle, or personality we find unattractive or unappealing.

Differences In Interactions

Typical I&R Caller: Difficult Caller:Calls in response to a current situation they areunable to cope with.

Calls in response to a situation in their pastthat is still not resolved or a current ongoingchronic situation.

Works actively with the Worker to attain problemresolution.

Actively resists being involved in the I&RProcess.

Responds as if the I&R Process is a newexperience for them.

Seems to possess an awareness or knowledgeof the I&R Process.

Is unsure of what information the Worker needs tohelp them.

Provides detailed information aboutthemselves and their situation.

Responds to the reflection of feelings butgenerally doesn’t use their own feeling words.

Uses feeling words in discussing their situation.

Is interested only in changing their situation. Is mostly interested in the transitory reliefoffered by talking.

Generally, respectful of the Worker andappreciative of their efforts.

While not necessarily disrespectful of theWorker and their efforts they can beaggressive, angry, manipulative, and/ordemanding.

Wants to know how or if they can change theirsituation.

Wants to know about the Worker.

Unaware of what help is available to them. Is very aware of the help available to them.Views the Worker as a facilitator. Views the Worker as a friend, acquaintance, or

captive audience.“What can I do for myself?” “What can you do for me?”“Is this a Help Line?” “Is this a Talk Line?”“Yes, that may work. I’ll try it.” “Yes, that may work . . .But . . .” Alternately,

“Been there . . .done that. . .nothing works”.Seeks realistic resolutions. Demands miraculous/impossible resolutions.Helps the Worker to understand their situation. Blocks the Worker from understanding their

situation.Contact is linear with a beginning, middle, andend.

Contact is circular moving from beginning tobeginning.

Accepts problem-solving input. Resists problem-solving input.Will accept formal counseling or treatment as aviable resolution.

Rejects formal counseling or treatment as aviable resolution.

Has conscious control over their contacts. Contacts are a result of habitual need.Maintains hope that things can get better. Maintains the belief that there is no hope things

will get better.

Let’s see which Callers you find

difficult.

C’mon gang, can we be serious?

The Difficult Bakers Dozen

• Abusive Callers

• Angry Callers

• Sexuality Issue Callers

• Sexual Gratification Callers (Sex-grat Callers)

• Yes…, But…

• Intoxicated Callers

• Donor/Stakeholder Callers

• Distracted Callers

• Silent Callers

• Prank/Hoax Callers

• Nobody Can Help

• It’s Not Over ‘Til I Say It’s Over

• Chronic Callers

• Donor/Stakeholder Callers

• Distracted Callers• Silent Callers• Prank/Hoax Callers• Nobody Can Help• It’s Not Over ‘Til I

Say It’s Over• Chronic Callers

• Abusive Callers• Angry Callers• Sexuality Issue

Callers• Sexual Gratification

Callers (Sex-grat Callers)

• Yes…, But…• Intoxicated Callers

Now that we know who they are so what do we do about them?

Well you can opt to do nothing and view the situation as something that is “being done” to you.

Or…

You can begin to take control of the situation by accepting reality that there are going to be Callers you will, for a variety of reasons, find difficult.

Then…

You can look at the issue situationally as being one of Interactions as opposed to Individuals.

As Interactions? Not as Individuals?

Yes. If we go to the basics of our Active Listening skills we find they are based on Carl Rogers Client Centered Theory which maintains:

• The Worker and Caller interact as equals

• The Caller dictates the pace of the call while making their own choices and decisions

• The Worker mirrors the Caller by using the Active Listening Skills.

This interaction is governed by the 4 fundamentals of Client Centered Interactions: Acceptance (being non-judgmental), Respect, Empathy, and Hope.

And this helps us how?

• When we react to an individual we are no longer neutral in the interaction.

• Judgment enters into play

• Once that happens the equality of the interaction disappears and we come to feel someone is “doing something” to us.

• If we view the interaction situationally we can develop methods for dealing with each type of interaction instead of each person that

calls.

• This removes personality from the equation mitigating the possibility of frustration and stress.

• This makes it easier for us to stay within the tenets and fundamentals of Active Listening empowering us to do what we do best.

Further, some basic ABC’sThe Crisis intervention Specialist must accept:

• The boundaries of Crisis intervention, what they can reasonably expect themselves to accomplish and what is beyond their control

• Feelings of helplessness and frustration can and do result from certain types of calls

• That there is not an ideal solution for every problem, and some problems may have no solution

• We have no control over whether an inquirer follows through or will eventually receive the help they need

• The need to be aware of their personal triggers

• The need to debrief with colleagues and/or supervisors

• Crisis intervention cannot “turn” people’s lives around.

A comedic respite...Phil appeared on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.

“You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for 1 million dollars you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Phil, "I'll have a go!" "OK. The question is: Which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?

(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."

"I ain't got a clue," said Phil, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Xena over at Budd Lake".

Phil called Xena, told her the circumstances and repeated the question to her. The seconds ticked down. “That’s simple” shouted Xena,......”it's a cuckoo."

“You’re sure, Xena?" asked Phil “Sure as sure can be” said Xena.

Phil hung up the phone and told the EmCee, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked the host. “That it is, Sir."

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Phil, you've won one million dollars!"

The next night, Phil invited Xena to Outback to buy her a delicious meal. As they are eating he asks…

"Tell me, Xena? How in did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know nothing at all about birds."

“For crying out loud”" laughed Xena. "Everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

Well difficult individuals give me a

headache! What more can I do?

Well the basics are….

• Trust your instincts

• Trust your skills

• Think before you talk

• Know and respect your “Buttons”

• Use supervisory and peer support

• Accept that Difficult Callers are people too

• Recognize your own value

Also there are skills...

• Remain in the present

• Assertive confrontation

• Address behaviors not situations

• Maintain a professional distance

• Fact checking

• Know when, and how, to say “No”

• Focus on focusing

There are some Do’s and Don’ts. Let’s start with the

Do’s...• Use a calm but firm voice tone to communicate both caring and certainty to the Caller

• Acknowledge feelings but do not allow them to be the focus of the conversation

• Recognize that change can be difficult, scary, and tiring

• If you have spoken to the Caller previously let them know you are familiar with them and their situation

Some more Do’s

• Recognize that interacting with Difficult Callers is a fertile ground for intense personal reactions on the part of the Worker

• Use the listening skill of silence

• Keep your expectations of what can be accomplished in the interaction realistic and share them with the Caller

• Keep your interactions focused, pragmatic, concrete, and oriented toward problem solving or appropriately ending the call

There are also a few Don’ts...

• Don’t invalidate the Caller

• Don’t allow the Caller to dictate how the interaction should be carried on

• Don’t be surprised if these Callers make you feel confused and helpless

• Don’t use “I” statements

• Don’t give, or allow yourself to be manipulated into giving advice or information about a topic you are not familiar with

A few more don’ts...

• Don’t ask the Caller how they thought you could help them

• Don’t strive to uncover feelings that lie beneath the surface

• Don’t enter the “world” of the delusional or hallucinatory Caller

• Don’t reinvent the wheel

• Don’t get trapped in the Caller’s rehashing of what has been already discussed

Reserve the right not to answer questions.

• “Hi . . .How Are You?"

• “What’s your name?

• “Can I Talk To A Male / Female?”

• “Do / Don’t You Give Advice?”

• “If I Need, Can I Call Back And Talk To You?”

• “Can I Call Back Anytime?”

• “Is it normal to … ?”

• “Can We Talk About Anything?”

Let’s look at our Difficult Dozen and

see how we can apply some of the tips.

• Abusive Callers• Angry Callers• Sexuality Issue

Callers• Sexual Gratification

Callers (Sex-grat Callers)

• Yes…, But…• Intoxicated Callers

• Donor/Stakeholder Callers

• Distracted Callers• Silent Callers• Prank/Hoax Callers• Nobody Can Help• It’s Not Over ‘Til I Say

It’s Over• Chronic Callers

Let’s talk a little about

Fear

And Anxiety

What Supervisors Will Notice

Supervisors may notice an emotional impact on a worker by their performance and productivity in the following ways:

• Working slowly• Appearing numb or emotionless• Missing deadlines• Withdrawal from work activity• Absenteeism; calling in sick frequently• Overworking• Irritability and anger• Forgetting directives, procedures and requests• Difficulty concentrating and making decisions• Difficulty with work transitions or changes in routines

What Caregivers Will Notice

The worker will also experience certain reactions. Some of these reactions are:

• Disbelief and shock • Fear and anxiety about the future • Disorientation; difficulty making decisions or concentrating • Apathy and emotional numbing • Nightmares and reoccurring thoughts about the event • Irritability and anger • Sadness and depression • Feeling powerless • Changes in eating patterns; loss of appetite or overeating • Crying for “no apparent reason” • Headaches, back pains and stomach problems • Difficulty sleeping or falling asleep • Increased use of alcohol and drugs

What to do?

Supervisors:

• Do not assume that staff will step forward to ask for help or support.• Facilitate communication among staff.• Educate your supervisors and managers. • Provide educational resources.• Consider a professional counselor/facilitator on-site. • Consider temporary changes in your leave and travel policies.• Promote tolerance. • Organize community activities. • Plan for the recurrence of situations.

What to do?

Caregivers:

• Know what to expect of yourself. • Talk with your co-workers and listen patiently.• Accept that life will go on.• Take care of yourself. • Spend time with friends and family. • Limit exposure to reminders of the distressing situation.• Find time for activities you enjoy. • Take one thing at a time. • Do something positive. • Avoid drugs and excessive drinking. • Ask for help when you need it. • Don’t try to cope alone.• Allow yourself to appreciated the good work you do.

In closing . . .

• Keep in mind that you can and you do good work.

• There will be people you will have to interact with you will not like

• Deal with difficult interactions situationally not personally

• Be realistic in your assessment of what you can and can’t do

• Make use of the staff support your agency provides

• Establish firm but respectful boundaries

• The basic tenets of equality and respect applies to us as well as the Caller

One final point…

Drum roll please!

Last...but least!

You do not have control over who is on the phone each time you pick it up.

You do have control over how you will adapt to dealing with that Caller and how you will allow the interaction to affect you.

You Have 2 Choices

You can surrender!

Or adapt