jokes and humorous stories

8/6/2019 Jokes and Humorous Stories

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Two Types

There's two types of step-siblings. A sister from another mister, and a brother from another mother.

The Lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he waswalking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lectureat this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.

Why Did You Do That?

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. Heshocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going toprove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I wantyou to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent.You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!" Again after afew more minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!" His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a NAVY SEAL, just released from the Navyafter serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to theProfessor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his loftyplatform. The Professor was out cold. The students were stunned and shocked. They began tobabble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. Theclass looked at him and fell silent ..... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the frontrow. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the heck is thematter with you? Why did you do that?" The SEAL replied, "God was really busy protectingAmerica's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an idiot. So He

sent me."

Teachers Questions, Student Answers

Teacher: Are you in the top half of your class?Student: No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!

Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon?Student: The horse will draw it!

Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class?Student: My mother won't let me do it at home!

Teacher: Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first?Student: I want to know how it ends!

Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting our waters?Student: Stop taking baths?

Teacher: Can't you retain anything in your head overnight?Student: Of course, I've had this cold in my head for two days!

Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ?



Student: Hot water!

Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ?Student: All of them!

Real Estate

The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today's youngfamilies is to get one.

If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments.

My buyers went through debt consolidation. Now they have only one bill they won't pay.

If you want to know exactly where the property line is, just watch the neighbor cut the grass.

This country is great. It's the only place where you can borrow money for a down payment, get a1st and 2nd mortgage and call yourself a homeowner.

The trouble with owning a home is that no matter where you sit, you're looking at something you

should be doing.

One Way To Save Money

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, over sized travel bag onto the plane.Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you alwayscarry such heavy luggage?" she sighed. "This is the last time" the man said. "Next time, I'm ridingin the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!"

Pet Fish

After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two browntrout in a bucket. He is approached by a Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing

license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I was not fishing and I did not catch these browns,they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water andtake them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I'm ready to go I whistle and they jumpback into the bucket and we go home. The officer not believing him, reminds him that it is illegalto fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe methen watch," as he throws the trout back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket." The fisherman turns tothe officer and says, "What fish?"

What's Better, Jock or Geek?

In his day, Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at anaverage of 30 minutes per game.

With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he slept 7 hours a night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums danced inhis head.

If he went to see a movie, it cost him $9.50, but he made $18,550 while he was there.

If he decided to have a 5 minute egg, he would have made $618 while boiling it.



He made $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He'd made $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would have taken him a whole 12hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have had to do it atthe rate of $2.00 every second.

He'd probably payed around $200 for a nice round of golf, but was reimbursed around $30,000during that round.

Assuming he put the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k),he would have hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 ayear.

He would have made about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He would have made about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

While the common person was spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant,he would have pulled in about $5600.

In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their termscombined.

... However...

... If Jordan had saved 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than BillGates had right then.

Game over. Geek wins.

New Rules For Marines

1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer'sstatement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are ableto come to work.

2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you asyou are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be

held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is upto date.

4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeksnotice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.



7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothingworse will happen to you the rest of the day.

8. The senior officer is Always Right.

9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.

But Mom!

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I gotthese huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"Okay," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great longeyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert,""Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on myback?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fatfor our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sandfrom our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?" "What good does all thatdo us here in the San Diego Zoo?"

Clean As Cold Water Can Get Them

Larry went to visit his 86 year old grandfather in a very rural area. After spending a great eveningchatting the night away, Larry's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon and eggs. Larry noticeda film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these platesclean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish

your meal.'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Larry was concerned about the plates as itappeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are yousure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, those dishesare as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you worry, I don't want to hear another wordabout it.'

Later that afternoon, as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't lethim pass. Larry yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car.' Withoutdiverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted,'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HERE ME!!!'

Promises

Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free hisfoot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming. Panicked hestarted to pray, 'God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!'

Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayedagain, 'God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!' Still nothing his footwas wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the



trains horn blared.

He tried his plea one more time, 'God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit beingbad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress.' Just as the train wasabout to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. Hegot up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said 'Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.'

Spare Rib

After creation Adam was alone so God told Adam that He would make a partner for him, just likeall of the other creatures had. God then described to Adam what a perfectly outstanding womanthat He could make for him. He said, "Adam, she will be so beautiful that you will never ever eventhink of another women. She will always listen to your all of your words and obey them. Notmatter what she cooks it will turn out spectacular. Her family and friends will always approve andassist all of your actions. She will never complain, cry or act dissatisfied. But first I must place youinto a deep sleep, in order to use some of your body parts in her creation." Adam asked, "WellLord, what body parts will you take to create this magnificent beauty?" God said, "I will need anarm and a leg to do this." To that Adam replied, "Well God, what I can I get for a spare rib?"

Well, that's it for now. Serve your country, self and the world well by hearing and obeying every

word of God. In doing so you will be blessed. He will never leave or forsake His people.

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