joys of a travel agent

8/11/2019 Joys of a Travel Agent

1/9

A TRIP WITH THE LOT. Written by Kevin Francis Bell

At the enquiry counter Patersons s!ile o" #elco!e chan$e% to a#ar%ness as he si$hte% the

el%erly cou'le saunterin$ in throu$h the "ront %oor o" the travel a$ency. They %i%n(t see! quite

the travellin$ ty'e. Far "ro! it. )o he #as !ore than 'lease% #hen they totally i$nore% hi! an%

too& a shar' le"t to#ar%s *obsons %es& in the "ar corner. It coul%n(t ha''en to a nicer $uy+

'o!'ous stuc& u' #easel that he #as+ or so thou$ht the enquiry counter !an+ returnin$ to his

$irlie !a$a,ine. *obson+ ho#ever+ havin$ only -ust returne% "ro! the ca" bar ne/t %oor #as

"ully 're0occu'ie% #ith his !ornin$ ritual+ or$ani,in$ an Italian es'resso on a silver coaster so

that no !ar&in$s u'set the shinin$ $lean an% i!'eccable re$i!ente% layout o" his #or& station.

Tall+ aloo" an% "ull o" his o#n i!'ortance+ it #as only #hen he sat %o#n that he notice% the

$rotty loo&in$ cou'le !a&in$ so!e sort o" &a!i&a,e assault on his 'er"ectly or$ani,e% brochure

stan%. The squatty one #as rather #i%er than she #as tall+ #ith any nu!ber o" teeth !issin$ or

%ecaye%1 her taller !ale co!'anion stoo% stoo'e% an% thin+ an% &e't lettin$ loose a %ry hac&in$

cou$h. *obson #as horri"ie%. These interlo'ers #ere rearran$in$ his lovely shinin$ brochures

into total %isor%er an% chaos.

For$ettin$ the "ra$rance o" "resh Arabica bean+ he #as on his "eet an% aroun% the %es& in quic&

ti!e+ in%i$nant that these ol% 'ensioners ha% !ista&en his lovely u' !ar&et establish!ent "or the

ne#s a$ency t#o %oors %o#n.

23oo% !ornin$ there. An% ho# !ay I be o" assistance to you4 5a%e a #ron$ turn+ have #e. I" I

!ay -ust ta&e those bac& o"" you+ Ill 'o' the! bac& #here they ca!e "ro!. Than& you very

!uch.6

7ust as quic&ly as he snatche% the brochures "ro! the ol% #o!an+ she snatche% the! bac&. )he

then 'rocee%e% to #a%%le across to his %es& an% 'lon& hersel" %o#n in one o" the client chairs.

Her co!'anion too& u' the seat ne/t to her. He see!e% %eter!ine% to vacuu! snot out o" his

nasal 'assa$es via his lun$s+ !a&in$ #on%er"ul noises in the 'rocess.


2/9

A''alle% by these a''aritions be"ore hi!+ *obson loo&e% %es'erately to#ar%s Paterson. But the

"ront counter !an $ave hi! a !erry thu!bs u' an% returne% to his i!'ortant rea%in$.

The ol% #o!an $ot co!"ortable. 2Ello luv+ #e(re -ust bro#sin$. 8ou &no# ho# it is+ %ont you46

As *obson #atche% horri"ie%+ nasty "in$ers an% han%s s!u%$e% the e%$e o" his 'olishe% %es&.

The ol% !an vacuu!e% a$ain. 25e 'iles are 'layin$ u'. Have you $ot 'iles46

29ot:not that I(ve notice%.6 )ai% *obson+ ta&en abac&.

Feelin$ rather stu'i% stan%in$ over the t#o o" the!+ an% seein$ they see!e% in no hurry to $o

any#here+ he retreate% to his seat an% $in$erly sat %o#n.

2I(! *avi% *obson+ !ana$er o" the: .6

2He(s a% e! so!ethin$ terrible. Tal& about blee%; All the ti!e+ %on(t they.6

2Li&e a bunch o" $ra'es they are. I have to 'ush the! bac& u' #ith !e "in$er.6

5ana$e!ent su%%enly too& note a$ain o" the callouse% "in$ers %ro''in$ "in$er'rints all over his

%es&.

2Well+ that(s : no $oo%+ is it.

The ol% #o!an 'ulle% her chair closer to the table an% bent "or#ar%.


3/9

2I #as thin&in$ !ore about Ban$&o& !ysel". )o!e 'lace 'eace"ul an% quiet. A bit li&e a secon%

honey!oon+ you &no#. 7ac&(s such an ani!al in be%. Its -ust his 'iles+ so!eti!es. They $et in

the #ay.6

2Piles; Ri$ht; Well+ I can see you(ve both been $ivin$ this a lot o" thou$ht. Its 7ac& an%: 46

2Beryl.6

2Beryl. Well+ there you $o. A lovely ol% "ashione% na!e. 8ou %ont $et na!es li&e that any!ore+

%o you. )o any#ay+ #hat #e can %o here Beryl+ is ta&e a loo& at so!e o'tions that coul% brin$

your sli$htly %i""erent %estinations to a !ore a$reeable 'osition+ so that you can both have a

#on%er"ul e/'erience to$ether.6

2)oun%s li&e a lovely i%ea+ love. Whatcha rec&on 7ac&. Here+ $ive us a &iss+ love. He(s a real

s!oocher you &no#.6

T#o hea%s ca!e to$ether #ith a clash+ !ouths touche% an% li's suc&e% ravenously. Then 7ac&

be$an cou$hin$ an% his u''er "alse teeth nearly 'o''e% out+ save% only by Beryl(s 'ro!'t

shuntin$ action #ith 'lu!' "in$ers.

*obson be$an "eelin$ va$ue. His %ay #as startin$ to %isinte$rate ba%ly.

2Ri$ht then.

2Here #e $o. I(! sure this #ill interest you.6

2We #ant to be bac& in ti!e "or =hrist!as.6 )ai% Beryl. 2Were $onna have chrissie #ith !e

'arents.6

2Thatll be lovely. )eein$ as its only 5arch no#+ #e(ll have you bac& in 'lenty o" ti!e "or

=hrist!as.6

2They(re in the ce!etery.6 A%%e% 7ac&.

*obson loo&e% u' "ro! the brochure. 2Who: #ho(s in the ce!etery: 46

2Beryl(s 'arents. They live there.6


4/9

2Oh:+ ri$ht. They(re the careta&ers then+ are they46

7ac& "ro#ne%+ turnin$ to Beryl. 2Are they: . I thou$ht they #ere burie% there.6

2They are. We $o there every year to visit the!.6

7ac& turne% bac& to *obson. 2There you $o. They(re burie% there. We $o there every year to visit

the!. Who tol% you they #as the careta&ers46

2What..;; Well+ u!+ no... . 9o+ loo&. I(! sorry. I %i%n(t quite $et your "ull na!es.6

2I thin& they !i$ht have been careta&ers once+ "or so!eone or other out Werris =ree& #ay.6 7ac&

a%%e%.

2What..46

2Its Beryl an% 7ac& )tic&lequic&er+ love. It(s a very rare na!e+ you &no#. =o!es ori$inally "ro!

overseas.6

2Really. I #oul% never have $uesse%. An% -ust the t#o o" you $oin$+ I ta&e it.6

2Oh yes. We #ant to be ro!antic an% all. I !ean+ it(% be a bit har% i" so!eone #as #atchin$ you+

#oul%n(t it.6

2Watchin$; Watchin$ #hat;;6

Beryl rolle% her eyes. 2Well+ #hile #e(re !atin$ o" course. What else46

*obson "elt he #as be$innin$ to lose the 'lot. 2Ri$ht.

2Oh+ a %ouble o" course. We #ant to ru!ble in the -un$le+ %on(t #e 'et. =o!e on+ $ive us a &iss+

love. =o!e on+ &issie &issies.6

The t#o re'eate% their "irst e""ort+ only this ti!e 7ac& #ent into a cou$hin$ "it hal" #ay throu$h

the e'iso%e. As Beryl(s li's 'arte% "ro! his+ the u''er hal" o" a set o" %entures %e'arte% his

!outh an% bounce% across a beauti"ully 'olishe% %es&+ a horri"ie% *obson visually trac&in$ the!

until a quic& !ovin$ 7ac& s#oo'e% on the #ay#ar% cho''ers an% 'o''e% the! bac& into his

!outh. That le"t one %evastate% travel a$ent starin$ at the snail trail across his %es&.

*obson %eci%e% then an% there that he #as $oin$ to $et every last cent he coul% out o" these

%e$enerates. They #ere $oin$ to 'ay a 'retty 'enny "or the trau!a they #ere 'uttin$ hi!

throu$h. )tic&in$ to this line o" thou$ht+ he !ana$e% to 'ut "orth a !a$ni"icent s!ile.

2Well+ no#+ ha ha ha. I &no# -ust the 'ac&a$e "or you. The !inute you #al&e% in throu$h that

%oor over there Beryl+ I sai% to !ysel"+ here is a true ro!antic. A rare bree% in%ee%. An% I have


5/9

-ust the little ri' snorter o" a holi%ay in !in% "or you. 7ust i!a$ine it. Tro'ical sunsets+ tea

'lantations "lo#in$ li&e a car'et across the hills+ ele'hants at %a#n+ the e/otic soun%s an% si$hts+

not to !ention the s!ells: o" In%ia.6

7ac& scratche% his hea%. 25aybe it #as out near Ta!#orth they #ere careta&ers.6

2Whaa..t;6

*obson #as havin$ a har% ti!e &ee'in$ u' #ith %evelo'!ents.

Beryl #ent all $i$$ly. 6It(ll be li&e a secon% honey!oon+ 7ac&.6

2Woul%nt &no#+ seein$ as #e never ha% a "irst one. Too !any co#s to !il&.6

28ou &no#+ so!eti!es 7ac& has to "i$ht !en o"" !e+ %on(t you+ love.6 )he leane% "or#ar%

cons'iratorially. 2They lust a"ter !e. *on(t they+ 7ac&46

2The co#s446

29oo:5ales.6

25ails; We haven(t ha% a 'ost bo/ "or years. 5ails only bills any#ay.6

*obson "elt !a%ness %escen%in$ u'on hi!. 2Loo&+ i" #e coul% -ust #or& our #ay throu$h this

"or one !o!ent. I #as thin&in$ o" so!ethin$ li&e !aybe u' in the !ists o" the Hi!alayan

!ountains. =ool cris' !ornin$s:6

2O##+ I %on(t &no# love. I #as &in% o" loo&in$ "or#ar% to #earin$ !y bi&ini. I #ante% to sho#

o"" !e "i$ure to 7ac&.6

*obson trie% not to i!a$ine the scene. 2Well+ you coul%. 8ou coul%. I !ean+ i!a$ine yoursel" in

the 7acu,,i+ in your : your bathers. I &no# its har% to i!a$ine+ but this 7acu,,i is bi$. Real bi$+

an% %ee' an% co!"ortable. An% because o" the altitu%e+ you have the bi$ "ire $oin$+ an% #hen

you(ve "inishe% ta&in$ in the #aters+ you can both cu%%le u' in "ront o" the "ire'lace. Ho#

ro!antic is that46

2Ohh+ it soun%s #on%er"ul+ love. What %o you rec&on 7ac&.6

By #ay o" re'ly 7ac& starte% u' another cou$hin$ "it+ 'ro%ucin$ a lar$e $ollie in his !outh "ro!

his e""orts. This he 'rocee%e% to s#irl about in his !outh li&e so!e connoisseur tastin$ #ine+

#hile he %eci%e% #hat to %o #ith it. Then he s'ie% the co""ee cu'+ the ca''uccino "roth slo#ly

%e'letin$ itsel" o" bubbles as ti!e #ent by. With %e"t !ove!ent he ha% cu' in han% an% #ith


6/9

!uch hac&in$ o" the throat+ he %e'osite% the 'rocee%s into the cu'. It sat ato' the "roth "or a

!o!ent+ li&e so!e $reenish %e"or!e% oyster $one #ron$+ be"ore sin&in$ into oblivion.

*obson sat trau!ati,e%+ not believin$ #hat he% -ust seen. 7ac&+ "or his 'art #as !ovin$ alon$

nicely.

2I %unno about baths. I ha% a sho#er once or t#ice over the years+ #hen it raine%. *i%n(t li&e it

!uch. I $ot #et. Its not nor!al. It ta&es a#ay ya natural oils.6

The real estate !aestro sat slu!'e% in his chair+ #on%erin$ #here it all #ent #ron$.

2Well:+ ho# about )in$a'ore or Bali.6 He o""ere% "orlornly.

2I thin& Bali soun%s very nice+ love. I(! not to sure about )in$a'ore thou$h. I(ve hear% its only

an islan%.6

2Whatt;;; But they(re both islan%s.6

7ac& sat bac& in his chair+ ar!s "ol%e%. 29ah. The !ore I thin& about it+ the !ore I(! 'retty

!uch %eci%e% I %on(t I #anna $o. I(ll !iss !e co#s too !uch. I(ve seen co#s every %ay o" !e

li"e+ I have. I love co#s. They(re li&e a secon% "a!ily. I coul% s'en% the !oney better buyin$

!ore co#s.6

For so!e stran$e reason+ the le"t si%e o" *obson(s "ace be$an t#itchin$. He sat "or#ar% an%

snarle% a$$ressively. 29o you cant. 8ou #ant to $o to In%ia. 8ou(ll li&e In%ia. They have lots

an% lots o" co#s in In%ia. )acre% they are. Wal&in$ the streets at #ill. Worshi''e% li&e $o%(s.

The s!ell o" co#s an% co# !anure is the s!ell o" In%ia.6

7ac& -olte% u'ri$ht. 2Fla!in$ hell+ is that ri$ht. Well+ stone the "la!in$ cro#s+ #hat are #e

han$in$ about #aitin$ "or. Lets $et on #ith it.6

Beryl $ave 7ac& a loo& o" blesse% bliss"ul a%oration+ leavin$ *obson #ith a "lurry o" calculations

to su%%enly #or& on.

2Ri$ht. Here #e $o. On a rou$h esti!ate+ be"ore #e $et too involve% in si%e tri's an% all the little

e/tra(s+ the roun% tri' is $oin$ to cost aroun%: .6

2I(! #orrie% about 7ac&s 'iles. What are the seats li&e46

2)eats; )eats;; What.. #hat sort o" seat %oes he 're"er.6


7/9

Be"ore Beryl coul% ans#er+ 7ac& li"te% one chee& an% let o"" a ri''er o" a "art that reverberate%

aroun% the o""ice. The s!ell "loate% across to *obsons nostrils+ alleviatin$ any sinus troubles he

!ay have been su""erin$.

2What about all the 'eo'le in In%ia.6 Beryl inquire%. 2)u''ose% to be thic& as "lies on a shee's

crutchin$s.6

29o+ no. 9ot u' in the hill stations. The cro#%s are %o#n in the valleys.6

2Well+ #hat about curries4 I hate curries.6 Announce% 7ac&.

29o 'roble!. What sort o" !eal %o you 're"er.6

2Porri%$e. An% bacon an% e$$s. An% boile% e$$s #ith la%ies "in$ers to %un& in the so"t yo&e. An%

I only #ant the! boile% "or three !inutes e/actly. I can tell i" they cheat. 8a can(t trust these

#o$s. They(ll try an% short sheet a %ea% !an.6

*obson locate% his han%&erchie" an% #i'e% it across his 'ers'irin$ "orehea%+ be"ore battlin$ on.

2An% it(s a very #ise !easure to be "ully covere% by health insurance. Ho# %o you "eel about

that46

2I %on(t "eel anythin$. I have a "ro$ in the throat.6 )ai% Beryl+ cou$hin$.

28ou ri$ht %ear46 As&e% a concerne% 7ac&. 2Here+ have a bit o" this. It(ll %o the -ob.6

He 'ic&e% u' the ca''uccino cu' an% 'asse% it to his belove%+ #ho $ree%ily too& $ul's o" co""ee

until none #as le"t.

)he 'lace% it bac& on the %es&to'+ #here *obson leane% ever so slo#ly "or#ar% an% 'eere% into

his cu'. Only a little "roth loo&e% bac& at hi!. He loo&e% u' queasily to#ar%s the short squat

#o!an. =o""ee ha% su%%enly $one o"" his !enu. As ha% oysters an% !ost other "oo%s "or the

"oreseeable "uture.

2)orry about that. There #as so!ethin$ in !y throat. I "eel li&e theres so!ethin$ else there

no#.6

7ust then+ "our soli%ly built !en in si!ilar blue shirts an% blac& 'ants entere% throu$h the "ront

%oor o" the travel a$ency. They too& a quic& loo& aroun% an% then !a%e their #ay over to

*obsons %es&. The one #earin$ s'ectacles s!ile% benevolently li&e an ol% "rien%.

2Beryl. 7ac&. We(ve been loo&in$ all over to#n "or you t#o. An% -ust #here are you o"" to to%ay+

!ay I as&.6


8/9

Beryl s!ile% $ran%ly. 2We(re o"" to In%ia. This nice $entle!an is or$ani,in$ our tri'+ aren(t you

%ear.6

2Well I... u!!.. #ell.. .6 *obson #asn(t sure #hat he #as or$ani,in$. 2Well+ #hat see!s to be

the 'roble!+ $entle!en46

29o 'roble!. 8ou -ust "inish u' sortin$ out their tri' i" you li&e+ then #e(ll ta&e the! bac&.6

2Bac&;; Bac& to #here. I(! sen%in$ the! o"" to In%ia.6

28eh+ In%ia. I(! $oin$ to see a lot o" co#s.6 )!ile% 7ac&.

2=o#s+ are you. )oun%s !ore li&e a loa% o" ol% bull to !e.6 Lau$he% the !an #earin$ the

s'ectacles. 2=o!e on+ #ere o"" bac& to #ar% >B. Lunch is al!ost rea%y.6

2Lunch. Oh+ that(ll be nice+ #on(t it 7ac&. We !i$ht $et boile% e$$s.6

28eh. Ho'e they $ot the! la%ies "in$ers too. An% lots o" butter on e!.6

As the t#o #oul% be travellers stoo% u'+ a $lassy eye% *obson -u!'e% u' an% race% aroun% the

%es&. 2What are you %oin$. 8ou can(t have the!+ they(re $oin$ to In%ia. An% they haven(t ta&en

out insurance yet. An% 'ass'orts+ an% !y co!!ission. An% that: that %irty ol% shit there s'at

snot in !y cu'. Into !y Arabica co""ee+ !in% you+ the best !oney can buy.6

The s'ectacle !an shru$$e% his shoul%ers. 2Ta&e u' %rin&in$ tea+ then. Its an In%ian %rin&.6

2In%ia;6 =on"use%+ *obson s!ile% stu'i%ly. 2I %on(t su''ose you "ello#s #ant to visit In%ia.6

2I %on(t su''ose you #ant to visit a 'a%%e% cell.6

Beryl su%%enly leane% over an% $ave *obson the bi$$est+ slo''iest &iss he(% ever receive%+

ton$ue an% all. By the ti!e he ca!e out o" shoc& an% reali,e% she ha% violate% his inner !outh+

they an% their escort #ere hea%in$ out the %oor. Trau!ati,e%+ the travel a$ent stare% stu'i%ly

a"ter the!.

An% then he "elt it.

)o!ethin$ so"t.

7ellyli&e.

Li&e an oyster.

)li%in$ aroun% in his !outh.


9/9

joys of a travel agent

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