kane & k endall counties free€¦ · tell our advertisers, “i s aw you inthe orange peel...

September 4, 2019 Volume 13, Issue 24

Amusing Stories • Jokes • Puzzles • TriviaCommunity Events and Coupons

Distribution on the 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each monthFor Advertising: Michelle Brokop (815)751-1286 Email: [email protected]

If you are age 7 - 107. . . Enjoy Your FREE Copy Of The Orange Peel Gazette

FREETAKE ONE

OORANGERANGE PPEELEEL GGAZETTEAZETTE

Download your FREE copy today at: www.OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo.com

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Dangerous DogUpon entering the little country

store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dogfolks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That

certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted thatsign, people kept tripping over him."

FOR ADVERTISING, CALL MICHELLE AT (815)751-1286

ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE... WWW.ORANGEPEELGAZETTEKANECO.COM • PAGE 2

Authentic Romanian Food and Folk DancingBeer & Wine • Live Music • Raffles

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New House A family had spent the day moving from their

farmhouse into a brand new house in a developmentnearby.

Very early the next morning, their 3 year-old sonran in to the parent's bedroom to wake them up.

The mother dressed him and told him to play in theyard. About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has

doorbells - and they all work!"

IRS Audit The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was

being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deliowner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my familyhelps out, the place is only closed three days a year.And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agentsaid. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips toFlorida for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver."

TELL OUR ADVERTISERS, “I SAW YOU IN THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE.”

ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESGREAT RATES - GREAT RESULTS - CALL TODAY! (815)751-1286 • PAGE 3

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Buying a Hat My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old

grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy a newhat. My wife took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't have enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed," she said. So I asked the salesperson totell my wife's grandfather that whichever hat he chosecost $15. I would pay the difference. Grandpa pickedout a hat and was charged $15. After he left, I paid the other $45 of the price. Later

Grandpa said, "What a bargain! The last one I boughtthere cost me $60.

Soccer Identity? My 3 year old son recently had his first soccer

game. The team consisted of 3- and 4-year olds, manyof whom our son did not know. We took plenty of pictures, and after the game we used the photos to helphim learn the names of his new friends and coaches.

"Who is this?" I asked pointing at one little boy. "That's my friend Mason" came the reply. "That's right! And who is this?" I asked pointing at

a little girl. "I don't know," came the reply. "That's Madison. And who is this?" I asked

pointing at Madison's daddy, the coach. "I don't know," came the reply. "That's Coach Juan. And who is this?" I asked

pointing at Mason's mommy, Paige, the assistantcoach. In a small tentative voice the reply came, "Coach Two?"

New College VocabularyABSENT: (n) The notation generally following yourname in a class record.

ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n) Where they take you toget you to admit you've mooned the keynote speakerduring "new student weekend."

ANATOMY: (n) One of those classes that soundsvaguely risque until you find out what it REALLYinvolves.

Paid in Full A woman was getting swamped with calls from

strangers. The reason? A billing service had launchedan 800 number that was identical to hers. When shecalled to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded."Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From nowon, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESLike us on Facebook for past issues & more fun stories...OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo • PAGE 4


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Guide to Being Handy Around the House 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and swearing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level. 10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

Vacation Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the

difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I

insist that each of my employees take at least a weekoff every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" Marionasked.

"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones Ican do without," Linda said.

Some People Rise & ShineI Caffeinate & Hope for the Best



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• Advertising that works • No Contracts • Great ResultsBe part of the next issue...815-751-1286

Did you know?The Orange Peel Gazette

is distributed to over400 locations

across Kane & Kendall Counties

Life Insurance "Do you know the present value of your husband's

policy?" the life insurance salesman asked his client. "What do you mean?" countered the woman. "If you should lose your husband, what would you

get?" asked the salesman. The woman thought a minute, then brightened up

and said, "Probably a poodle."

Resumania "Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half,

founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appearon job candidates' resumes, job applications and coverletters. Here's some examples: "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."(had an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.) "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes haveslowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I willlook for another opportunity." (No problem..) "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, sincethe two are usually inseparable." (Glad to hear it.) "My compensation should be at least equal to myage." (And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?) "I am very detail-oreinted." (With the possible exception of spelling)

"I can play well with others." (We'll be sure to tellyour mommy.) "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."(A new twist on work-family balance.) "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales." (Have you considered law school?) "My salary requirement is $34 per year." (They say money isn't everything.)

"Served as assistant sore manager." (Ouch.)

Let yourFAITH

be bigger

than yourFEAR

The Orange Peel Gazette is distributed by over 400 businesses throughoutKane & Kendall Counties including various...


DOWN1. Authentic _____ Food and Folk Dance2. Come play at _____4. David J _____, Attorney at Law7. Gift Shop for _____ Women10. Denso - Bosch - _____ - Mitsuba11. Kills mold, _____ & many more organisms

ACROSS3. www._____CarpetCleaning.com5. Village _____ Pantry6. Color - Cuts - _____ - Gift Shop8. $100 Off our back-up Sump

Pump _____ Installed9. Firewood - _____ Removal12. Feel better the _____ way!

All Answers Can BeFound

Throughout The Ads Appearing In This

Issue Of The ORANGE PEELGAZETTE

Sale of the CenturyHampshire, IL

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Don’t forget to drinkwater & get some sun.You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions.

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English is Tough Stuff Multi-national personnel at NATO headquarters

near Paris found English to be an easy language ...until they tried to pronounce it. To help them the verses below were devised. After trying them, aFrenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,Study English pronunciation.I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.Tear in eye, your dress will tear.So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as plaque and ague.But be careful how you speak:

Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria.Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.Compare alien with Italian,Dandelion and battalion.Sally with ally, yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.Large, but target, gin, give, verging,Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tearDo not rhyme with here but ere.Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!Is a paling stout and spikey?

Won't it make you lose your wits,Writing groats and saying grits?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel:Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!!!

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"Signs You Might Be Alaskan" 1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

3. The mosquitoes have landing lights. 4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat. 6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.

7. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus. 8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.

9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

10. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.

11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

12. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.

13. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. 14. You think the start of moose season is a national

holiday. 15. You head south to go to your cottage. 16. You find -60 C a little chilly. 17. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze. 18. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

19. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.

Open: 2nd and 4th

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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCONNECTING CUSTOMERS AND BUSINESSES. . .THAT’S WHAT WE DO BEST! • PAGE 9

ElbuEElElbElburElburn LiElburnElburn Elburn LElburn LioElburn Lions BinElburn LionElburn LionsElburn Lions Elburn Lions BElburn Lions BiElburn Lions BingoElburn Lions BingElburn Lions Bingo StaSStStarStarts oStartStartsStarts Starts on Starts onStarts on SeptembStarts on SStarts on SeStarts on SepStarts on SeptStarts on SepteStarts on SeptemStarts on SeptembeStarts on September 6Starts on SeptemberStarts on September Starts on September 6

Doors open at 5:00pm Early Bird Bingo at

6:30pm Regular Bingo at 7:00pm Split the Pot Raffles Progressive Pot Raffles

Pull Tabs Food and Beverages for

purchase You must be 18 years of

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Elburn Lions Club 500 Filmore Street Elburn, IL 60119

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(before taxes) receive

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1700 S. Douglas RdMontgomery • 630-892-1100

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(1) per customer, per visit

Come Play atGrandma’s!

Open ‘til Midnight

Family Restaurant

Angvick Antique Motors

PO Box 7 • Burlington, IL 60109

(847)287-4413 oldmotorsguy.com [email protected]

Specializing in vehicles manufactured prior to 1940BUY • SELL • RESTORE • REPAIR

PINBALL MACHINESCOIN OPERATEDARCADE GAMESDART MACHINES

IN HOME REPAIRSBUY & SELL

HOME AMUSEMENTS(630)742-2472

Octogenarian Golfer An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined

the local Country Club. He went to the Club for thefirst time to play but was told everyone scheduled toplay was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play withhim and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said " I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting outof sand traps."

They both played well. Coming into the par three18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the greenwith the next stroke and then putt for a par with thefollowing play.

The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed inone of the two sand traps around the hole. Shootingfrom the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a highball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!

The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but Ithought you said you have a problem getting out ofsand traps."

"I do, replied the octogenarian. "Give me a hand."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~I try to keep things picked-up, but most of the time it looks like my

house just sneezed.

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Opee Gazette says: Let’s Play!Who Wants To Be A Zillionaire?

The General Knowledge Quiz 17


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$768,000 Question...What was the first credit card?A) VISA B) Diner’s ClubC) MasterCard D) American Express $769,000 Question...Hippophagic society members support what?A) Clean Water B) Eating horsemeatC) Spotted Owls D) Protecting hippos$770,000 Question...What is the crime of embracery?A) Jury bribing B) Tax evasionC) Hijacking D) Auto thief$771,000 Question...What was Casanovas day job?A) News reporter B) MechanicC) Tailor D) Librarian$772,000 Question...Angelo Scicilano was better known as who? A) Godfather B) George WashingtonC) Charles Atlas D) John Lennon$773,000 Question...What is 6 inches bigger in Summer?A) Both feet total B) Eiffel tower C) Moon D) Telephone poles$774,000 Question...Which sea on Earth has no beaches?A) Sargasso sea B) Black seaC) Dead sea D) Red sea

$775,000 Question...Reuben Tice died trying to invent a machine that could do what?A) Time travel B) Reverse agingC) Grind coffee D) Dewrinkle prunes

(Answers below - See you next issue)

Answers: $768 - B; $769 - B; $770 - A; $771 - D; $772 - C; $773 - B; $774 - A; $775 - D.

Scented Candles for Men It seems in this day and time you can't go into an area

dominated by a woman without detecting the 'aroma'(odorous terribilis) of some kind of bizarre scented candle. Everything from 'Boysenberry VanillaPotpourri' to 'Spice Orange Jasmine Chocolate'. Sometimes it gives me a headache!

Well, it's about time men had their own scented candles. Below you will find a few scents men wouldappreciate.

SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN'62 Chevy truck - Interior and ExhaustGunpowderWet Dog (only if it's your own dog)Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods)Wood SmokeChainsaw ExhaustFreshly Caught BassOzone (arc welder, of course)AcetyleneFreshly Moved DirtSilageSawdustNew TiresHot Metal3 Year Old Baseball CapAmmonia Fertilizer (light, of course)Burning Grass or LeavesAlfalfaFirecrackersLatex Paint

What's Wrong Now? My friend, an ex-Marine aviator, wanted to show off

his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he putit through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all aroundus.

Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.As we were being tossed around in the sky, George

said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What'swrong now?"

George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something toscare me."



AMERICAN LEGION POST 57820 N. LIBERTY STREET • ELGIN, IL 60120

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC10AM - CLOSE

Video Gaming: 10am - Close • Full Bar: Sunday - Saturday

Monday Night: queen of Hearts Drawing at 8pm & sales during regular hours

Thursday Night Lightning: Starts at 6pmHamburger Night: Thursdays 5:30pm - 7:30pmSpaghetti Night: 2nd Wednesday 5pm - 7pmLunch: Wednesday - Friday 11:30am - 1pmFish Fry Night: Fridays 4pm - 7pmBreakfast: 2nd Sunday 9am - Noon

The American Legion is 100 years strong and looking for another 100 years of service to our veterans, our community and our Nation.

Come and visit our Post home.

(Except Mother’s Day & Easter when Buffets are offered and Father’s Day with Eggs to Order)

Fri^[y Sun^[yBingo Bingo7 - 10pm 1:30 - 5pm

(Card Sales start at 6pm) (Card sales start at 12:30pm)

Veterans Benefit Days

4th Friday of Month 9:30am - 2pmno appointment needed

Hall Rental: Call (847) 741-1669 or (847) 741-1684

FREECHILD ADMISSION WITH

PAYING ADULTValid thru 9/28/19. Limit one per customer, Can not

be copied, or used with another offer. Not Valid6/14/19, 7/6/19 or 10/5/19

KOPG

RACING EVERY WEEKEND!

HIGHwAY 64- NORTH AVENUE • MAPLE PARk, IL815.895-5454 • 4 MILES EAST OF SYCAMORE • 15 MILES wEST OF ST. CHARLES

$2 OffGeneral AdultAdmission

Valid thru 9/28/19. Limit one per customer, Can notbe copied, or used with another offer. Not Valid

6/14/19, 7/6/19 or 10/5/19

KOPG

GATES OPEN 6PM

www.SycamoreSpeedway.com

FRIDAY - - TIME TRIALS AT 7PMSATURDAY - - TIME TRAILS AT 6:30PM

RACING TO FOLLOW

For Event Details, Visit

ANTIQUE - CLASSIC - SPECIAL INTEREST AUTOS

Old Coach Works Restoration

Whether it’s a reliable driver or a Concours Grand Champion

Repair - Update - Modify - RestoreWe Are Here To Help You Finish Your Project!

(630)553-0414 www.oldcoachworks.com

Toddler Miracle Diet People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't getenough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheaton their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's thenew Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you mayhave noticed that most two years olds are trim. Nowthe formula to their success is available to all in thisnew diet. You may want to consult you doctor beforeembarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeinghim afterwards. Have Fun!!! DAY ONE---- Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one

piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, usingyour fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite oftoast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handfull of potatochips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill therest) Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips offlat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchenfloor........... DAY TWO----- Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from

kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and ahandfull of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One icecube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker untill sticky,take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside anddrop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should bethrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid overmashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE----- Breakfast: Two pancakes with

plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glassof milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. Afterbreakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick offfuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glassof milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handfull of potato chips,some red punch. Try to laugh some punch throughnose, if possible. FINAL DAY---- Breakfast: A quarter tube of tooth-

paste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass ofmilk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal todog. Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and diningroom carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leavemeatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.



(815) 827-3051

210 MAIN STREET • MAPLE PARK

PEG’S ON MAIN

~ Visit our Gift Shop ~for Cards, Home Decor & Gifts Galore

Full Service Hair Salon for Men & Woman

Color - Cuts - Perms - Gift Shop

It’s Time For a New Fall Look!

May’s Piano Tuning & RepairJim MayCertified Tuner & Technician

[email protected] • 217-369-7946

630-851-0375

Stop That! (But Not Yet) It's the 1970s, and this technician is working on an

antisubmarine warfare R&D project at a U.S. Navybase. "To test sonar systems and the computerized response to them, we built a test lab with a bank ofcomputer-controlled frequency synthesizers," says thetech. "Nice equipment -- a bank of eight synthesizerswith a range of a megahertz and resolution of a millihertz." As part of the test, his team runs the output through

speakers to see if it sounds like ocean noise. "This was an ugly sound, but statistically it matched

ocean noise," he said. "And we noted that when we ranpure tones through the simulator, it sounded like a really good pipe organ."

One bright junior engineer immediately realizes that with eight tone synthesizers, the team can generateeight-part harmony. And it's not long before the techand his cohorts are spending their lunch hours programming the system to play Christmas carols.

"It was innocuous fun, and we didn't let it interferewith programming for the sonar research," techniciansays.

But the fun doesn't last. "We got a call from thebase captain, telling us to cease and desist from usingNavy equipment for improper purposes," says tech."We were disappointed but complied."

"Then we got a follow-up call the next day, indicating that before we ceased and desisted, weshould program 'Anchors Aweigh' for the admiral's upcoming inspection visit."

"The admiral got 'Anchors Aweigh' in four-part harmony."

Missed Ferry This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about

the ferry. If he missed a ferry late at night, he would have to spendthe next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from thedock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. Hemade a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a littlebruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited aminute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

Most people write CongratsBecause they don’t know the spelling of

CONGRAJULASHIONS



Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable. Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous stories

and jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any

group or individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to beconsidered as an endorsement or validation by Orange Peel

Gazette for products or services offered.

Welcome Home provides people who have moved with useful community information and FREE gifts from localmerchants: all to help you become familiar with the area.

Call or Text For a Visit -Batavia • North Aurora • Batavia/Mill Creek

Jennifer Zack • 630-229-2001

Moved Recently?We would enjoy meeting you!

- www.welcomehomebatavia.com -

35 Unique ShopsUnder One RoofHOURS: Tues - Sat 10-5Thurs 10-8, Sunday 11-5701 N. State St. (Rt 31) Elgin, IL 60123

1 mile S. of I-90 (847)695-3066www.StateStreetMarketShops.com

Enjoy the day at theLARGEST

GIFT & ANTIQUEShop in The Fox Valley

Se Habla Español

24/7 SAME DAY SERVICE

www.JJgaragedoor.com (224)217-1631

• Steel & Wood Doors • Remotes/Operators•Springs/Rollers/Cables/Tracks

SALES - SERVICE - INSTALLATION On All Makes & Models

Residential & Commercial

•Free Estimates •Insured •Warranty

Feel better the natural way!@]upun]tur_\y Lin^[

663300--448888--66224433132 N. Main St • Elburnacupuncturebylinda.com

Linda A. OsterLicensed Acupuncturist Oriental Medicine

LYMEDISEASE?GERMBUSTERS®

Call Dr. Bob Lyme Specialists847-741-4376

1710 N. Randall • ElginWWW.GERMBUSTERS.COM

LYMEDISEASE?

Helping you buy & sell in the Western Suburbs

I’m Not Just A Sign In Your Yard. I stand by your side from start to finish.

Becky SmithYour Realtor For Life

Cell: [email protected]

www.beckysmith.bairdwarner.com

Signs - Here and There The following are actual signs seen across the good

ol' U.S.A.: • At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. • In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. • On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy • On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot. • In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. • In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. • In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy. • In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. • In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center • On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church. • On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. • At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. • On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. • In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan. • In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. • In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour! • On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced • Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques. • In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here? • In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends. • In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished. • In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.


Hetts Auto SalesLooking for a quality usedvehicle? All our vehicles aresafety inspected, have a

carfax report and many arepriced in the

$3000 - $9000 range. View our inventory at

www.hettsautosales.comHetts Auto Sales is locatedin downtown Oswego by theR/R tracks, “Our mission isto give you a pleasurablebuying experience” and remember owner, Ed and son, Matt are your friends

in the car business.Hetts Auto Sales

69 W. Washington St. (Rt 34)Oswego, IL 60543630-554-9339

www.hettsautosales.com_______________

CASH PAIDWWII, WWI

Military uniforms,photos, swords, medals,patches, helmets, posters,souvenirs, & estate items.

630-215-3664

Garage Doors by CurtSales and ServiceWe Sell CHI DoorsLift Master Openers(630)276-3453

BUYING

AUTOMOTIVE

The Right GuyCarpet Cleaning, Inc

Certified Cleaning for CarpetTile/Grout, Area Rugs, Upholstery, RV’s

Residential/Business/Rentalswww.TRGCarpetCleaning.comFor Reviews & Pics • 19yrs Exp.630-264-4369 Free Estimates

_______________

CARPET CLEANING

GARAGE DOORS

EGGS FOR SALE

AL’S ELECTRIC(Semi Retired, but not Tired)

Licensed • 45 yrs ExpJust Call Al (630)514-6569

ELECTRICAL

Ed & Judie’s Chicken EggFarm: Self Service6S260 Hankes Rd

Aurora (630)907-0775

$125 Mixed Face Cord$150 Oak Face CordFree Delivery/Stacked630-907-0775 Ed________________

FIREWOOD

ASPHALT


HANDYMAN-NAILS-ITHome Improve/Rpr/Mainthandyman-nails-it.com(630) 360-3039_______________

Glass Repair & ReplacementBroken window/door Repair

224-228-1000Classic Glass and Glazing

_______________

GLASS REPAIR

HELP WANTED

Cash for Record AlbumsRock • Jazz • Blues

St. Charles 206-432-1682_______________

COMMUNITY

Help Support his mission toprovide Crosses for Losseswww.facebook.com/CrossesForLosses/

Greg Zanis, 1230 Church RdAurora, IL 60505

or to receive a cross, call773-999-8888

_______________

Painting - Ceramic TileElectrical - PlumbingSOFT DESIGNS847-274-8347

_______________

HANDYMAN

BUYINGDRIVEWAY REPAIR

INSTALL & PATCHINGASPHALT SEAL

COATING & STRIPINGANDEL SERVICES, INC$50 Off *service under $1000or $100 Off* over $1000

(*not including Sealcoating)Must mention discount at time of estimateSe Habla Español

Office: 630 566 0210Cell: 630 675 7102 _______________

TRAVEL AGENTS/ No Exp..Work Home FT/PTEarn As You Learn

Build>Future 888-648-3030______________

TLC DOG GROOMINGMontgomery - 7 days weekCall for Appointment

630-631-9984

DOG GROOMING

Hot-Tub 3-person $500PreCor Treadmill $200Chest Freezer $50

Cub Cadet Roto tiller $400Call 630-659-8447_______________

FOR SALE

Dealing with issues of bullying, gangs, violence,drugs or school dropouts?Here are real tools and

resources! FREE academicand faith based curricula for

schools and churches.

FROM THE BARRIO TOTHE BOARD ROOM

www.fromthebarrio.comDr. Robert Renteria312-933-5619

_______________

Praise Team Leader positionavailable at Trinity LutheranChurch - Genoa, starting

9/9/19. Excellent vocal skillsw/keyboard or guitar skillspreferred. Contact [email protected].

Baseball Trading Cards40 page group- 9 cards eachpage. 360 cards - $3 eachCall Jim 847-741-0555

$115 for mixed face cord$125 Oak face cord

$130 Fruitwood face cordFree delivery/stacked

630-313-9201_______________

FT Warehouse/Driver. Dependable, lift 50lbs+, have valid driver’s license.

Benefits available. Call 630-584-7908_______________

Gary’s Painting & Handyman (630)409-1701$25/hour local

$27/hour long distance_______________

WANTED

RON’S QUALITY PAINTINGInterior - ExteriorAffordable & Clean

Over 25 years experienceFree Estimates - Insured

(847)489-9907_______________

Band Instruments: Cellos Open Hole Flutes, Trumpets

Double French Horns, Saxophones (847)951-7098

_______________

AGUAS REMODELINGAll Kinds of Repairs;Electrical - Walls

Bathrooms - KitchensPainting

Habla Espanol(847)809-1102 Jesus

J & L BUILDERSHandyman ServiceBasement Finishing

Kitchen & Bath RemodelingYour Complete RemodelingService. Free Estimates

(630)334-1322J-LBUILDERS/facebook

Sleeping Room $90/weeklyClean/Quiet, Non-smoking

Refrigerator accessAurora 630-247-1031

MOVING

Wiltse’s Landscaping &Lawn Care

Lawns, cleanups & mulching fertilizing & weed control,

pruning, planting, residential & commercial

hardscapes - (815) 508-7502


Bill’s Custom ServicesInterior/Exterior

Painting & Drywall Etc.Wallpaper hanging/removalOver 20 Years ExperienceFree Estimates/Insured

Now Offering Carpet Cleaning(815)482-4155_______________

LAWN CARE SPECIALAerate $35 (48”Gate)Fertilizer $59 (0-10,000)Overseed Free with A & FBeautiful Lawn & Tree Care

630-585-0221_______________

LAWN CARE

ROOM FOR RENT

Next Issue Ad DeadlineSeptember 18 September 6

To appear in the next issue of the ORANGE PEEL GAZETTEcontact Michelle at (815)751-1286


INVESTING

Tree Pruning & RemovalCall ISA Certified Arborist

Joe (224) 789 - 8773Northern Kane & Dupage Co

www.ArborJoe.com_______________

PAINTING

Lanza Masonry Inc.Brick, Stone, BlocksTuck Pointing847-833-3384

MASONRY

Baker’s Window CleaningResidential/Commercial

(630)854-7716(630)273-2010

WINDOW CLEANING

TREE SERVICEAbove & Beyond Paintingby Stuart; Interior - ExteriorPainting and Remodeling;Professional Insured Clean;Over 35 years experience;No job too big or small....Call today for free estimate;Mary 331-251-5766 or Brian 630-709-8470

Look for us on Facebook andtwitter @Above & Beyond

Painting by Stuart

STEVE’S TREE & STUMP REMOVAL630-943-6350

Do you want to learn how toget your utilities for free andalso make money on them?

Text “FREE” to: 630-675-7102 along withyour name and e-mail.

TREE SERVICES &BOOM TRUCK SERVICESANDEL SERVICES, INCTree Cutting, Trimming,Stump Grinding, Chipping,

Haul Away$50 Off service under $1000or $100 Off over $1000Must mention discount at time of estimate

Call the office or text cell forestimate. Se Habla EspañolOffice: 630 566 0210Cell: 630 675 7102

TREE SERVICE

1995 Dakota Ext. Cab, V8160k miles, air, bedlinerPower windows & mirrorsUsed but not Abused!$999 obo, 630-892-4411

TRUCK FOR SALE

Blown in Attic Insulationand removal + other services

Insured; 25 years Exp.Floyd (331)228-0191

INSULATION

MAC RELOCATIONYour commercial, office,industrial, warehousemove specialists

Mark Levy 630-788-5886

AERATOR MANAeration: $150/acreAnd Fertilize $299

Call me 630-585-0221_______________

ROOFING/SIDING

Storm Damaged Roof? Storm Damaged Siding?Insurance Pays, We Fix815-914-9459 Call Today

Batavia, Sugar Grove, St. Charles & Woodridge office & warehouse space for lease, from 1,500sq ft to 12,000sq ft. For info Call Don 630-330-7637or Sarah 630-318-2341

INDUSTRIALSPACE FOR RENT

Guns and Military for Upcoming Auctions;Single Item or Entire Collection. Call Randy

Donley for No-ObligationChat. Donley Auctions

815.790.9435REMODELING

REMODELING

HOUSE CLEANINGVeronica & Audelia’s

House Cleaning Services630-506-2895630-935-5287

LOOK FOR OUR NEXT ISSUE ON SEPTEMBER 18, 2019


Taco Bar

Available

Full ServiceFood TruckAvailable

630-276-3725630-276-3725PIG ROAST & BBQ CATERING

Puerco RostizadoPara todo eventos social

Exp 9/30/19

Exp 9/30/19

Exp 9/30/19

Expires 9/30/19

Advertise in the Orange Peel Gazette

Call Today . . . 815-751-1286

Card NameThose of us who worked at the front desk of a

convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. Whensomeone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, wewould sneak a peek at it and address them by name.

Once during a particularly busy check-in, one ofour guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerksaid.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

I have a lot of EXCITMENT in my life.

I used to call it STRESS but I feel muchbetter now that I call it EXCITMENT

New House When the Jones family moved into their new house,

a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how heliked the new place.

"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mikey has his own room,

and Jamie has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

kane & k endall counties free€¦ · tell our advertisers, “i s aw you inthe orange peel...

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