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    Third Place Winner

    OfSitcom

    SCRIPTAPALOOZATelevision Writing

    Competition

    Betsy McNeely323.654.5809

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    ACT ONE

    FADE IN:

    INT. CHURCH -- DAY

    Tight shot of Earl and Randy sitting in a pew.They are wearing rumpled dress clothes and lookingvery uncomfortable.

    EARL (V.O.)Ive never much been one for going tochurch. I always figured if I stayed outof Gods house, Hed stay out of mine.Unfortunately, sometimes it couldntbe helped.

    Camera angle widens to reveal that Earl and Randy areattending a funeral. It is sparsely attended, and thefew who are there look like derelicts or convicts.Everyone looks bored.

    EARL (V.O.) (CONT'D)Snowball was a crazy old coot whosometimes tagged along with me andRandy in our criminal endeavors.He was kind of useful to have around,

    though, because hed do absolutelyanything on a dare.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY -- FLASHBACK

    Earl, Randy and Snowball crouch around the corner from theentrance.

    EARL(to Snowball)

    OK. I dare you to steal a case of Buckhorn,3 packs of Marlboros, everything in thecash register, and then come back here andgive it all to me.

    SNOWBALL Youre on!

    Snowball runs for the door, Randy calls after him.

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    RANDYHey! I dare you to steal me somepork rinds!

    CUT TO:

    EXT. BOWLING ALLEY - DAY -- FLASHBACK

    It is dark and stormy. Snowball is on the roof, wrestlingwith a large weather vane shaped like a bowler.

    EARL (V.O.)Unfortunately, he also believedeverything he was told. When PeteyGunderson told him the bowler on theroof of Memory Lanes was solid gold,

    Snowball decided to steal it. Hethought he was being clever doingit during a thunderstorm so no onewould see him.

    Snowball finally wrests the weather vane free, and holds itover his head triumphantly. A moment later, he is struck bylightning.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CHURCH - BACK TO SCENE

    A nun gets up and moves to the pulpit.

    PRIESTAnd so, in closing, our own SisterMary Teresa Benedicta has generouslyagreed to send off the dearly departedon the notes of his favorite song.

    The organ starts playing, and the nun launches into a soulfulrendition of Baby Got Back.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CHURCH VESTIBULE - LATER

    The derelicts mill about, feasting on punch and cookies.Randy approaches Earl holding a paper plate piled high withsnacks, and speaks while stuffing his face.

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    RANDYOK, Earl. I sat through the preachingand the singing like I promised. I evenfake cried a little. Can we go now?

    EARLNot yet, Randy. We need to mingle a bit,to pay our respects.

    RANDYCome on! This place gives me the creeps. Itreminds me of Dracula's castle. Hey, youdon't suppose there's any of Dracula's wives inhere, waiting to suck our blood, do you?

    CUT TO:

    INT. MOTEL - NIGHT -- FLASHBACK

    Earl and Randy are in bed. Earl is trying to sleep. Randy iswide-awake, intensely watching TV in the dark and hugging hispillow.

    EARL (V.O.)Randy had recently discovered one ofthose late night creature feature showson TV. I think he had a little crush on

    the scary looking lady who hosted it. Ididnt have the heart to tell him I waspretty sure she was a dude.

    CUT TO:

    INT. MOTEL LATER -- FLASHBACK

    Randy sits bolt upright in bed, practically on top of Earl. Allthe lights are on. He is still clutching his pillow and lookingnervously around the room.

    EARL (V.O.)(CONTD)Trouble was, Randy couldn't always tellthe difference between TV and real life.

    RANDYHey Earl? You hear something?

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    EARLNo.

    RANDYWait. How about that? You hear that?

    EARLNo.

    RANDYOK. You HAD to hear that.

    EARLYes, Randy, I did hear that. Now say"excuse me" and go to sleep!

    CUT TO:

    INT. CHURCH VESTIBULE - BACK TO SCENE

    Earl and Randy awkwardly stand near the refreshment table,occasionally smiling and nodding to people. Everyone ignoresthem. Randy continues to stuff his face.

    RANDY(beat)

    Can we go now?

    EARLNo.

    RANDY(slightly longer beat)

    Can we go now?

    EARLRandy.

    RANDY(another beat)

    Can we go now?EARL

    Ask me again.

    RANDYCan we go now?

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    EARLNo.(as Randy opens his mouth to speak)Look, just go sit in there (henods towards the chapel) and well goin a few minutes, all right?

    Randy nervously enters the chapel, while Earl approachesthe nun who sang at the service.

    EARLAfternoon, Sister. That was a touchingperformance you gave. I know Snowballwould a loved it.

    SISTERThank you. I hope he enjoyed it,

    wherever he is. I must admit, I wasntfamiliar with that particular song,but anything for a fellow music lover.

    EARL(looks at Sister, puzzled)Right. Um, so youre a music lover?

    SISTEROh, yes. When I was a girl I dreamedof being the next Barbra. God had other

    plans for me, though. He wanted meto be His own personal Funny Girl.

    Earl doesnt get the reference, and continues looking at Sisterstrangely. She becomes a bit uncomfortable.

    SISTER (CONTD)Um is something wrong? Do I havesomething stuck in my teeth again?

    EARL

    Huh? Oh! No. Its just that you seemkinda familiar, somehow. Like weve metbefore?

    SISTERThats very possible. I run the soupkitchen at the shelter.

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    EARL(considers this for a moment)

    No, thats not it.

    SISTERBingo?

    EARLUh-uh.

    SISTERThe parish talent show?

    Earls eyes widen with recognition.

    EARL (V.O.)And thats when it hit me.

    CUT TO:

    INT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM -- DAY -- FLASHBACK

    The high school talent show is in progress. A heavyset girl isstanding center stage, giving a decent if tad overly emotionalperformance of The Way We Were. Earl and Randy watch from thewings.

    EARL (V.O.)(CONTD)

    Becky Wagner. Number 37 on my list.

    Earl and Randy release a bunch of mice onto the stage. Beckyfreezes in the middle of her number and starts screaming.

    CUT TO:

    INT. HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA -- DAY -- FLASHBACK

    Earl and his crew are in line behind Becky. She is trying veryhard to ignore them as they take extra helpings and sneak themonto her tray.

    EARL (V.O.) (CONTD)She was new, and she was fat. In highschool, that was like rolling around inmeat and dancing naked in front of a packof wild dogs. No matter how hard we tried,we just couldnt help ourselves.

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    CUT TO:

    INT. SCHOOL GYM -- DAY -- FLASHBACK

    The girl's P.E. class is doing jumping jacks. Becky is off toone side, struggling to keep up. Earl and his friends sit inthe stands, stone faced. Every time Becky lands they bounce intheir seats.

    EARL (V.O.)(CONTD)Of course, I dont recall ever tryingall that hard.

    CUT TO:

    INT. BECKY'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT -- FLASHBACK

    Becky, her mother and Morty are in the living room. Becky isvery dressed up, and her mother is fussing over her. Morty pinsa corsage on Becky, while Beckys mother gets them to pose fora picture.

    EARL (V.O.)(CONTD)When I found out that Morty Atkinson hadasked her to the Harvest Moon dance, Idecided to start off their evening bygiving them my own harvest moon.

    Just as Beckys mother snaps a picture, Earl runs up to the bay

    window behind them and drops his pants.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CHURCH VESTIBULE - BACK TO SCENE

    EARLBecky Wagner! Well, Ill be damuh, darned! I'm Earl Hickey, fromhigh school, remember?

    SISTER BECKYEarl Hickey? No, I'm afraid I d... oh.Wait a minute. Werent you the boy whomooned me in front of my mother, thenight of the dance?

    EARLSo you do remember me.

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    SISTER BECKY(coldly)

    How could I forget? You know, I've oftenthought about what I would say to you ifI ever saw you again.

    EARL(uncomfortable)

    Yeah?

    She suddenly smiles and gives him a big hug.

    SISTER BECKYThank you!!

    Earl looks confused.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CHURCH NAVE -- MOMENTS LATER

    Randy walks down the aisle, nervously looking around. Notwatching where he is going, he bumps into a large, sternlooking nun. She snarls at him. Randy panics. He bolts into aconfessional and slams the door.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CONFESSIONAL -- MOMENTS LATER

    Randy sits for a moment, breathing heavily, when the priestappears.

    PRIESTYes, my son?

    RANDYHoly s**t!

    PRIESTI beg your pardon?

    RANDYSorry. I meant "crap". Holy "crap". Youjust scared the s**t out of me, that'sall.

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    PRIESTMaybe we should begin again? Are you hereto make a confession?

    RANDYConfession? What for? I didn't donothing, honest! I just got scared bythe vampire lady.

    PRIESTWhat vampire lady?

    RANDYShe was right outside. About 6 feet tall,with glowing red eyes, fangs, and amustache?

    PRIESTAh. Sister Bernard. Yes.

    RANDYShe looked like she was going to eat me.

    PRIESTI know the feeling. But that's why it'simportant to make confession, my son. Younever know when God is going to call youhome, and you want to make sure that whenHe does you have a clean conscience.

    RANDYWait... I'm going to die?

    PRIESTOf course you are. We all are.

    RANDY(scared)

    I knew it! She's one of Dracula's wives,and she's gonna suck all my blood andturn me into her slave, isn't she? Why doI have to die?

    PRIESTThat's the oldest question there is.Perhaps God misses you, or perhaps Hewants to make room for new souls hereon earth? Who can say?

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    RANDYIf I won't be on earth no more, wherewill I be? What's going to happen to meafter I die?

    PRIESTHow much time have you got?

    CUT TO:

    INT. CHURCH VESTIBULE - BACK TO SCENE

    EARLYou're not mad?

    SISTER BECKYMad? Of course not! Oh, I have to admit,

    at first the teasing you and your friendsgave me was a bit hurtful.

    EARLThat's a nice way of putting it.

    SISTER BECKYAnd my mother was... well, let's justsay she used some language that cant berepeated in a house of God. But the nextmorning, as I was cleaning the smudgesoff the window?

    CUT TO:

    EXT. BECKY'S HOUSE -- MORNING -- FLASHBACK

    Becky is starting to spray the window with cleaner,then freezes and stares at the glass. We see a shotof what she's looking at: in the streaks we see theface of the Virgin Mary.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CHURCH VESTIBULE - BACK TO SCENE

    SISTER BECKYAs soon as I saw it, I knew that God wascalling me to serve Him. I joined theorder the next day.

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    EARLYou don't say.

    SISTER BECKYYes. You know what they say: "God worksin mysterious ways". I guess your butt isone of them.

    DISSOLVE TO:

    INT. CHURCH VESTIBULE - LATER

    Earl and Sister Becky are sitting and talking.

    EARL (V.O.)So Becky and I started catching up. Itold her all about the list, and she

    told me all about her life in the convent.To be honest, it was a better story thanI expected.

    SISTER BECKY(sniffling, on the verge of tears)I mean, so what if my mother hasntspoken to me for fifteen years? Whocares if shes a self-righteous snobwhos completely insensitive to the viewsof others? Not me! The church preaches

    forgiveness, so I forgive her. Even ifshe is wrong.

    EARLYou and your Mom havent spoken for 15years? Why? Most mothers I know wouldbe thrilled to have their daughters ina convent.

    SISTER BECKY(wiping her eyes)

    Its complicated. Um, listen,it was nice seeing you again, Earl, butI seem to have something in my eye.Excuse me.

    Sister Becky hurries off. Earl watches her go. A moment laterin the background we see Randy run screaming from the church.

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    CUT TO:

    EXT. STREET - DAY

    Earl walks up to the front door of a house and rings the bell.

    EARL (V.O.)I wasnt sure what the problem wasbetween Becky and her Mom, but I waspretty sure that karma wanted me toget them back together. I figured itshouldnt be too hard. After all, shesstill her Mom. How different couldthey be?

    Becky's mother opens the door.

    EARLMrs. Wagner?

    MRS. WAGNERI'm Rabbi Wagner, yes. Can I help you?

    Earl freezes.

    FADE OUT

    END ACT ONE

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    ACT TWO

    FADE IN:

    INT. LIVING ROOM -- DAY

    Earl sits on the sofa, Rabbi Wagner sits at the piano, staringat him. There is an awkward silence.

    EARL (V.O.)I admit I dont know much aboutreligion. Never had much use for it.So I couldnt really see what the bigdeal was between Becky and her Mom.

    EARLUm, so, like I was saying, I thinkif youd just talk to Becky, youdsee how much you both have in common.I mean, wow! All that God stuff? Why,I bet you two just have loads to talkabout.

    Rabbi Wagner continues to glare at Earl for a moment, then:

    RABBI WAGNERDo you have children, Earl?

    EARLNo. At least, not that I know of.

    RABBI WAGNERWell, if you ever do, I pray thatyoure spared the pain of having themspit on everything you believe in.

    EARLThis is about Christmas, isnt it?

    Yeah, my family always fights atChristmas, too.

    RABBI WAGNERIts more than that. Do you know whatthis is?

    She picks up a bronzed microphone from the top of the piano.

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    EARLA cigarette lighter?

    RABBI WAGNERIts a trophy we won at the templetalent show when she was twelve. Sucha voice she had. When she sang Poppa,Can You Hear Me?, Mrs. Brolin herselfwouldve gotten farklempt!

    EARLWell, see? There you go! Shes stillsinging up a storm over at the church.You should go hear her!

    RABBI WAGNERExactly my point. She wants to sing thepraises of God? Fine. But it should killher to be a cantor in our synagogue? Insteadshe has to go join some cult? Why not just runa knife through my heart?

    EARLBut maybe if youd just go listen

    RABBI WAGNERI cant. Im sorry. When she turned her back

    on our faith, she turned her back on me.Theres nothing you can do to fix that.

    CUT TO:

    INT. MOTEL - DAY

    Catalina and Randy are seated on the bed, while Earl paces.

    EARLI don't care what she says, she's still

    Beckys Mom. I know if I can just getthem to start talking, they can work it out.

    CATALINAWhat about singing?

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    RANDYOh, you dont want to hear Earl sing.Trust me.

    CATALINANo, I mean them. They both like music,right? How does that saying go? Musichas charms that soothe the savage priest?Maybe it works on nuns, too?

    RANDYHey, I think they still got that karaokenight down at the Woozy Floozy.

    EARLThats not a bad idea. OK. Randy, I needyou to go down to the Jewish church and

    talk Becky's Mom into meeting us there.If she gives you an argument, just makesomething up to get her to come, all right?Ill go talk to Becky.

    RANDYWhat should I say?

    EARLI don't know. Tell her you've got afriend who's having some sort of personal

    crisis, and could use her advice.Religious folk love telling other peoplehow to live their lives, right?

    RANDYDo I have to? I saw this movie theother night about a bunch of Jewishfolks who made a monster out of mud, likeFrankenstein? And when he wasn't outkilling people, they hid him in the church.What if they got a mud monster down there?

    EARLThere's no vampires or mud monsters,Randy. Just some guys with yamahas ontheir heads and frogs in their throats.Nothing to be scared of.

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    RANDYCan I at least have a couple beers beforeI go? You know I always lie better whenIve had a few.

    EARLNo.

    RANDYWhy not?

    EARLBecause it's one of the 12 commandments:"Thou shalt not go into the house ofthe Lord smelling like a brewery". Nowget going.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CHURCH -- DAY

    Earl and Sister Becky are sitting in the chapel.

    EARLI'm sorry if I upset you the other day.

    SISTER BECKYOh, no. It wasn't you. It was just some oldwounds that should've healed a long time

    ago. I'm the one who should apologize.

    EARLYeah, well, speaking of old wounds? I'vebeen thinking about what I can do for youto make up for all the trouble I causedin high school.

    SISTER BECKYBut I told you, Earl, you don't need todo anything for me. As a Christian I

    forgave you a long time ago.EARL

    But as a Karma... ite? Karmatian? (shrugs) Whatever... I need to dosomething for you so I can cross you offmy list.

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    SISTER BECKYWhat did you have in mind?

    EARLWell, since you like singing so much,I thought maybe youd let me takeyou out for karaoke tomorrow night? Youare allowed to go out in public likereal people, right?

    SISTER BECKYOh, yes. Since Vatican Two, we're evenallowed to go to the bathroom.

    EARLReally?

    SISTER BECKYNo.

    CUT TO:

    INT. SYNAGOGUE - DAY

    Randy walks nervously down the hallway. He sees a large mancovered in mud coming down the hall, and gapes at him as hewalks by. Randy then sprints into the rabbi's office and slamsthe door shut behind him.

    CUT TO:

    INT. RABBIS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

    Randy stands at the door, breathing heavily. Rabbi Wagner is ather desk.

    RABBI WAGNERCan I help you, young man?

    RANDY

    Shhhhh! He'll hear you!RABBI WAGNER

    Are you all right? You're awfully sweaty.

    RANDYI'm just nervous. I sweat a lot when I'mnervous.

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    RABBI WAGNERWhy don't you have a seat, son? You looklike you've just seen the devil.

    RANDYI think I have. Who was that I saw comingout of here a minute ago?

    RABBI WAGNERNobody. So, what can I do for you?

    RANDYOh. Right. Well, your rabbi-ship, maam...it's like this: um, see... Im here aboutyour daughter, the sister?

    RABBI WAGNER

    What is this? Did somebody take out an ad?I will not discuss my personal family businesswith strangers! Now, Im very busy. Excuse me.

    RANDYBut, maam, youve got to listen to me!

    RABBI WAGNERGoodbye!

    Randy looks blankly at the Rabbi, then opens his mouth tospeak.

    EARL (V.O.)Looking back, I probably should've letRandy have a few beers beforehand.

    CUT TO:

    INT. WOOZY FLOOZY -- EVENING

    Earl and Randy are sitting at a table.

    RANDY

    You weren't there, Earl. I'm telling youit was a real live mud monster! I saw itwith my own two eyes!

    EARLRandy, we've been over this a dozentimes. There's no such thing as monsters.

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    RANDYAre too! I even asked the Rabbi if thatwas where the mud people hung out, and shejust got mad. Didnt try to deny itor nothing.

    EARLBut she did say shed come, right?

    Before Randy can answer, Sister Becky comes up to the table.

    SISTER BECKYWho said shed come?

    EARLOh, just a friend of ours. We told herwhat a great singer you were, and shesaid shed like to come hear you. Right,Randy?

    RANDYUm yeah.

    SISTER BECKYMy goodness! I hope I live up to your faithin me. I havent sung in front an audienceoutside of church in ages, and Im prettynervous.

    EARLDid they have the songs you wanted?

    SISTER BECKYYes. I just hope no one I know is here,in case I make a complete fool of myself.

    EARLI dont think theres much chance of that.

    Rabbi Wagner comes up to the table.

    RABBI WAGNER(sternly)

    Rebecca. My God. So its true?

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    SISTER BECKYMama?? What are you doing here?

    RABBI WAGNERA little bird told me that SOMEBODY (sheglares at Earl) was trying to convinceyou to join his satanic cult.

    Earl glares at Randy, who hangs his head.

    RANDY(softly)

    I TOLD you to let me have a few beers first.

    SISTER BECKY(to Earl)

    So thats what this was all about? Gettingmy mother and I together? I cantbelieve you tricked me, Earl! (to Rabbi)And I cant believe youd fall for astory like that!

    RABBI WAGNERYou already joined one cult. Joining anothershould be such a stretch?

    SISTER BECKYHow many times do I have to tell you?

    ITS NOT A CULT!

    EARLNow just hold on a minute. Im sorry I liedto both of you, but I couldnt think of anyother way to get you together. Look, allIm asking is that we all spend a little timetogether, enjoying some music. Would that be soawful?

    SISTER BECKY

    (stiffly)Well, tolerance is a Christian virtue. Isuppose I can be civil for a couple of hours.If she can.

    RABBI WAGNERTolerance? Let me tell you a thing or twoabout tolerance, young lady

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    RABBI WAGNER (CONTD)(she catches Earls pleading look, thencollects herself)Forgive me. I can be as tolerant as thenext person. Even more.

    EARLGreat! Now why dont we all just have a seatand a little pleasant conversation.

    They all sit. Rabbi Wagner and Sister Becky pointedly ignoreeach other. There is a long, awkward silence.

    EARLIm gonna go get us some drinks.

    RANDYMe too!

    Earl and Randy scramble off as the DJ takes the stage.

    DJAll right, ladies and gentlemen, letsget this party started! Our first braveperformer this evening comes to us all theway from the Big K parking lot. Put yourhands together for Patty!

    Theres a smattering of unenthusiastic applause asPatty the daytime hooker takes the stage. In the backgroundwe hear her give an ear-splitting performance of People.Rabbi and Sister both focus intently on the performance.After a few bars:

    RABBI WAGNER(not looking at Sister)

    Youre too thin. Dont they feed you inthat place?

    SISTER BECKYMy weight and my diet are perfectlyhealthy, thank you.

    RABBI WAGNERIve heard what passes for sustenance overthere. A cracker and a sip of wine?

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    RABBI WAGNER (CONTD)Our people ate better when they wanderedin the desert!

    Someone behind them shushes them. They listen in silence for acouple of moments more.

    RABBI WAGNER(indicating Patty)

    One things for sure: nobodys evergoing to mistake her for the real thing.

    SISTER BECKY(shocked)

    Mama!

    Rabbi throws her hands up in mock surrender.

    RABBI WAGNERIm just saying, is all.

    A few more beats.

    RABBI WAGNER (CONTD)You know, she doesnt hold a candleto you.

    Sister Becky shushes her, but stifles a tiny smile. They listenas Patty finishes, and applaud politely.

    SISTER BECKY(tentatively)

    Did you see the AFI tribute?

    RABBI WAGNERLike anything couldve stopped me?Did you see that dress?

    SISTER BECKYI know! It was just like the one youmade me for Jewish Jollies, remember?

    RABBI WAGNERLike it was yesterday. Such a sheynepoonem you were.

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    They start chatting in earnest.

    CUT TO:

    INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER

    Earl and Randy wait for the drink order.

    RANDYI thought you said if we just got themtogether, theyd start talking andeverything would be fine?

    EARLI know. But they havent talked forfifteen years. Maybe they just needa little help getting started. Cmon.

    They get the drinks and head back to the table.

    CUT TO:INT. WOOZY FLOOZY - SAME AS BEFORE

    Sister Becky and Rabbi Wagner are huddled together inconversation as Earl and Randy approach the table. Earl setsthe drinks down, and he and Randy take their seats.

    EARL

    So! How bout that new Pope?

    Sister Becky and Rabbi Wagner both bristle and resume theirearlier postures.

    RABBI WAGNERYou mean the Nazi?

    SISTER BECKY(shocked)

    Nazi? Thats my Holy Father youre

    talking about!

    RABBI WAGNERNo! Saul Wagner is your father.That Pope is a Nazi. And you are a Jew!

    SISTER BECKYI am a Catholic! A daughter of Christ,

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    SISTER BECKY (CONTD)and a sister of the Convent Of Our Lady ofPerpetual Worriment!

    RABBI WAGNER(shouting)

    I did not raise a shiksa!

    SISTER BECKY(shouting)

    No, you raised a daughter who was chosen bythe Holy Mother to serve God!

    RABBI WAGNERNo! You were one of the chosen BEFORE youstarted with all this nonsense!

    EARLHang on, now. Lets everybody take a deepbreath for a minute and just cool down.

    In the heat of the argument, no one has noticed that the lastkaraoke performer has finished. The DJ is back on the stage.

    DJNow I want you all to join me in givinga big Woozy welcome to our next performer,

    Sister Mary Teresa Benedicta!

    A follow spot hits Earl, just as Sister jumps to her feet.

    SISTER BECKY(shouting)

    Go to Hell, Earl!

    She storms out, leaving Earl standing uncomfortably in thespotlight. He self-consciously smiles and waves.

    FADE OUT

    END ACT TWO

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    ACT THREE

    FADE IN:

    INT. LIBRARY - DAY

    Earl and Randy sit across from each other at a table.Earl is reading Catholicism for Dummies, while Randy isreading Judaism for Dummies. There is an egg timer on thetable between them. Both are concentrating very hard.

    EARL (V.O.)The trouble between Becky and her Momseemed to be about their different beliefs.If I was going to fix it, I needed toknow more about why they were so different.

    The egg timer goes off. Earl and Randy trade books. Earl pullsa comic book out of the one Randy was reading, and Randy shrugsapologetically. They both start reading again.

    EARL (V.O.) (CONTD)The more I learned, though, the moreconfused I got. Seemed like they hadmore in common than not.

    CUT TO:

    INT. MOTEL - EVENING

    Earl sits on the bed, a pile of books around him. He reads fromone for a few moments, then picks up another and compares it tothe one he was just reading.

    EARL (V.O.) (CONTD)Near as I could tell, it was just abunch of fuss about a sequel. Kinda likeStar Wars. If we stuck to the firstBook, everything should be fine. But how

    could I convince them to start talking?

    Randy comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around hiswaist.

    RANDYHey, Earl? I think Ive got another boilon my butt. You mind taking a look?

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    Earl gets a thats it! look on his face.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CRAB SHACK - DAY

    Earl, Randy, Joy and Darnell are seated around a table.

    DARNELLI dont know, Earl. The ten plagues of Egypt?It sounds pretty crazy to me. I mean, evenif she falls for it, dont you think Godsgonna be mad at you for impersonating Him?

    JOYOh, dont tell me you believe in all thiscrap? I did NOT sign on for being marriedto no holy roller.

    EARLNo, itll be fine. This is what karma wantsme to do. Itll protect me.

    RANDYSo, if karma and God got in a fight, karmawould win? I wonder who would win ifFrankenstein and the Wolf-Man got in a fight?

    DARNELLThe Wolf-Man. Most definitely.

    EARLLook, all youve got to do is distracther for a few minutes. Me and Randylltake care of the rest. OK?

    DARNELLWell, I guess it IS for a good cause.OK, were in. (to Randy) Hey, what if

    the Wolf-Man got into it with the Mummy?

    RANDYYeah. Thatd be like a cat playing with aroll of toilet paper.

    DARNELLYeah. Thatd be cool.

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    CUT TO:

    INT. RABBIS OFFICE - DAY

    Joy and Darnell are seated across from Rabbi Wagner.

    EARL (V.O.)I realized the one person Becky andher Mom would have to listen to wasGod. So, while Joy and Darnell pretendedto be a couple wanting counseling, Randyand I set up outside.

    Suddenly there is a loud squeal of audio feedback from outside.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. SYNAGOGUE - CONTINUOUS FROM BEFORE

    Earl and Randy hide in the bushes, struggling with a megaphone.Randy holds a large piece of sheet metal, which he shakes tocreate the sound of thunder. It doesnt work very well.

    EARL(into the megaphone)Hear ye, Hear ye! This. Is. God.

    CUT TO:

    INT. RABBIS OFFICE CONTINUOUS FROM BEFORE

    Rabbi Wagner goes to the window.

    RABBI WAGNERWhat on Earth?

    JOY(overacting)Oh! My! It is the voice of God!

    Whatever shall we do?

    RABBI WAGNERDont be ridiculous. Its probably justMurray, our groundskeeper. Hes been workingon a busted sewage pipe out there for days.

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    EARL(from outside)Heed my warning. The time is at hand for allmothers and daughters to patch up theirdifferences and make amends, or else suffermy wrath.

    RABBI WAGNER(craning at the window)I cant quite see from here, but it lookslike theres a couple of men in thebushes outside.

    While Rabbi Wagner is at the window, Joy pulls a baggie full ofcrickets out of her purse and starts sprinkling them aroundRabbi Wagners desk.

    JOYNo, no! Its the voice of God!

    EARL(from outside)A terrible plague shall rain downupon you if you do not heed my wishes.Um that is all.

    There is another loud feedback squeal as Earl turns off themegaphone.

    JOY(pointing to the crickets)Oh! Look! Locusts! God is angry!I must run home and call my mama!

    She grabs Darnell and runs for the door.

    DARNELL(over his shoulder)Zay gezunt!

    Joy and Darnell exit. Rabbi Wagner watches them go, puzzled,then turns back to the window as we hear a very loud, very REALthunder clap.

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    CUT TO:

    EXT. JOYS TRAILER -- LATERThrough the window we see Earl, Randy, Joy and Darnell watchinga torrential downpour.

    CUT TO:

    INT. JOYS TRAILER - CONTINUOUS FROM BEFORE

    DARNELLI told you, Earl. Gods not like Madonna.He doesnt like it when guys impersonateHim.

    EARLIts just a little rain, Crabman.

    We cant let that stop us. Soonas it lets up a bit, we can try againwith Becky.

    JOYWhoa. Whats this we stuff? You heardDarnell. You pissed off God!

    EARLI thought you didnt believe inany of this crap?

    JOY(defensively)

    I dont. Its just that well, ifI go out in weather like this, my hairllfrizz up so bad Ill end up with a biggerfro than Darnell here. Now get your cursedbehinds outta my house! Go on, git!

    Joy shoos Earl and Randy out into the rain.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CHURCH -- LATER

    Sister Becky is leading choir practice. Earl and Randy arehiding in the pews. They are soaking wet. Randy holds ashoebox.

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    EARL (V.O.)So, after a stop at Moodys creek topick up the next plague, Randy and Iheaded over to the church.

    EARL(whispering)

    You got everything?

    RANDY(whispering)

    I think so.

    Randy opens the shoebox, and he and Earl peer inside.

    RANDY (CONTD)3 toads dont hardly seem like much of

    a plague, but they were all I could find.See that big one? I call him Godzilla.And that little one? Hes Godzuki.

    EARLRandy, I told you not to name the plagues.Youre just going to get attached to them.All right. Now, you remember what youresupposed to do?

    RANDYGot it. Just give me ten mississippisto get over there before you start.

    Randy scurries off, carrying the shoebox, while Earl takes outthe megaphone. Just as he is about to start speaking, the powergoes out.

    SISTER BECKYAll right, everybody stay calm. Its justthe storm. Im sure the power will be backon shortly.

    EARL(on the megaphone)

    Attention everyone. This is God speaking.

    There a few surprised yelps from the choir.

    SISTER BECKYEarl? Is that you?

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    RANDYThought of what?

    Sister Becky hesitantly goes to the window and wipes away thecondensation with her sleeve to reveal the Rabbi, soaked, herface pressed to the glass. Sister runs to the door to let herin.

    CUT TO:

    INT. VESTIBULE - MOMENTS LATER

    Sister Becky bustles Rabbi Wagner in from the storm, and helpsher out of her soaked coat and scarf.

    SISTER BECKYWhat are you doing here?

    RABBI WAGNERI had a visitor this afternoon.Goes by the name of God? Perhaps youveheard of Him?

    SISTER BECKYWhat?

    RABBI WAGNERWell, it wasnt ACTUALLY God Im pretty

    sure it was those crazy friends of yoursfrom the nightclub the other night?

    SISTER BECKYOh, no. You too? I dont believe this.(yelling)EARL! Get out here! NOW!!

    Earl and Randy appear at the entrance to the chapel, hangingtheir heads like naughty children. Sister is about to read themthe riot act, but Rabbi stops her.

    RABBI WAGNERRebecca. Wait. They didnt do anythingwrong. Stupid, maybe, but not wrong.It got me thinking if this young manwould go to such ridiculous lengthsjust to get us talking again? Maybe hegot the idea from a higher source?

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    SISTER BECKY(considers this for a moment)

    I just cant believe he thought wed fallfor it. How stupid does he think we are?(she starts chuckling)

    RABBI WAGNER(also starts chuckling)

    Well, you have admit, we have beenbehaving like a couple of morons.

    (Sister stops chuckling)I mean I! Ive been behaving likea couple of morons

    Sister Becky smiles again, shaking her head.

    RABBI WAGNER (CONTD)So what do you say? Can you forgive astubborn old yenta?

    SISTER BECKYOnly if you can forgive a stubbornyoung shiksa.

    They hug. Earl looks relieved.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CHURCH LATER

    The power is still out, but theres a soft glow of candlelight.Sister Becky and Rabbi Wagner sit quietly together in a pew,listening to the choir rehearse. Earl and Randy sit behindthem. Earl looks thoughtful. Randy is cradling Godzuki andsoftly weeping.

    EARL (V.O.)I guess when you get right down to it, all

    religions are pretty much the same. Whetheryoure Jewish, Christian, Hindu, or whateverit all comes down to one thing:

    He takes out his list and crosses off a line.

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    EARL (V.O.) (CONTD)Screwing up your kids.

    He carefully folds the list and tucks it back in his shirtpocket.

    FADE OUT

    THE END