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Caring for My Family 226

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Lesson 4: Managing Anger

Caring for Myself 227

TOOL BOX: Lesson 4

Materials Handouts

o My Anger Management Style o ACTS

Overhead transparencies/PPT slides: o Anger – Key Points o ACTS – Overhead o What To Do When A Solution Is Not

Possible Overhead project and screen (or LCD) Flip chart and markers Prior to the Lesson Set up the room to use an overhead

projector and screen (or LCD). Copy handouts and transparencies.


Lesson Four

Objectives To become aware of

different anger management styles.

To understand the assertive-problem solving style of anger management.

To learn positive techniques for managing anger.

Activity Small groups generate a list of “anger” words.

Lesson Plan Introduction Today we will be talking about ways to manage anger. Different people use different styles to express their anger. One of the goals today is to learn about positive, safe ways for you to manage your anger and to recognize when a situation puts you and your baby at risk. Getting Acquainted To get us thinking about the topic of anger, I would like to divide you into groups of three or four people. First, introduce yourself to the other people in your group. Then, work together to make a list of words that might be used to indicate that you are angry. [Ask one group to report on their list by naming a few words. Then, ask the next group to report a few words on their list that are different than the first group. Continue until every group has had a chance to speak and all of the words have been read. Record the “anger words” on a flip chart paper. The list may include words like, “enraged, irritated, ticked off, perturbed, steaming, frustrated, irritated, furious, annoyed, upset, “up in arms”, boiling, heated up, incensed, displeased, fuming, offended, riled up, mad, miffed,” and many others.] As each group has reported, there are many words in today’s language that are used to express anger. Feelings

Managing Anger In this lesson participants will learn ways to manage anger that lead to stronger relationships and fewer problems.


Group Discussion Why and when anger occurs. Overhead transparency/ PPT slide: Key Points of Anger.

today’s language that are used to express anger. Feelings of anger can be a common, everyday occurrence for people. Is it wrong to have feelings of anger? Why or why not? Why do people experience anger? When can feelings of anger result in something good happening? Can someone give an example of that happening? When can feelings of anger result in something bad? [Allow the group to discuss the above questions.] We can summarize the discussion with the following: Key Points of Anger Anger is a normal and necessary emotion. It is not wrong to experience feelings of anger. Everyone experiences feelings of anger; some people

experience it more intensely and often than other people.

Anger is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong. It is your body’s response to an unmet need, expectation or belief. For example, you become angry when someone cuts in front of you in line because you believe that people should wait their turn.

Anger can feel wrong to some people because they have been taught that feeling/expressing anger is not good.

Anger can appear wrong when people express it in inappropriate ways, such as using violence.

When expressed appropriately, anger can lead to having your needs met, without hindering the needs of others.

Appropriate expressions of anger can lead to stronger relationships and more satisfying situations.


Small Group Discussion Sharing memories about how you saw others express anger. Activity Handout: How Do I Manage Anger – Part I

Expressions of Anger People often cope with anger by using the methods they learned as children. Think about how people from your childhood coped with anger. What did they do and say when they were angry? Turn to someone next to you and share some of your memories about how people around you expressed anger when you were a child. Only share information that you are comfortable with sharing. [Give the group time to discuss.] Next, think about how those memories from childhood influence you. As an adult, do you express your anger in a similar way to the people you remember from your childhood? Why or why not? Turn back to your partner and discuss your current methods for expressing anger and why you have those techniques. Only share information that you are comfortable with sharing. Managing Anger People express their anger in many different ways. Some expressions of anger can lead to stronger relationships and better life situations. Other ways of expressing anger can lead to damaged or destroyed relationships, personal health problems, and other negative consequences. It is important to think about how you manage your anger to make sure that you are getting the results you want. This survey, “How Do I Manage Anger,” is for your information only. The results will not be shared. Take a few minutes to complete the survey and total up your score for each of the four anger management styles.


Activity (continued) Handout: How Do I Manage Anger – Part II

How Do I Manage Anger [You may want to read each statement to the group.] 1. I am blunt and forceful when things don’t go my way. 2. I avoid or withdraw from people when I am angry

with them. 3. I complain about people behind their back, but not to

their face. 4. I disagree with others without attacking them on a

personal level or becoming defensive. 5. I don’t keep grudges or seek revenge when problems

cannot be resolved. 6. I don’t like to let other people know when I am angry. 7. I feel like hitting someone who makes me very angry. 8. I feel uncomfortable expressing my anger. 9. I have a tendency to be depressed or moody. 10. I look for mutually agreeable solutions when people

disagree with me. 11. I politely, but firmly tell others when I am angry. 12. I pout and feel sorry for myself when I am angry. 13. I suppress my anger by drinking, taking drugs, or

overeating. 14. I swear loudly to blow off steam. 15. I take some time to calm down before talking with

others about disagreements. 16. I try not to let my anger show. 17. I use sarcasm and “little jokes or names” to make

people look bad or feel bad. 18. If I’m very upset, I’ll hit something. 19. If things are bad enough, I’ll throw something. 20. When I am angry I become silent, to make it obvious

that I am unhappy. Look at your total score for each of the four anger management styles. Which anger management has the highest score?

This is the anger management style that is currently your most dominant style. [Pass out Part II of the “How Do You Manage Anger” handout. Briefly explain each of the four anger management styles.]


Anger Management Styles: Part II Style A-Open Aggression: This style of anger management uses physical or verbal force to get rid of the threats to the person. This is one of your body’s natural reactions to severe stress. However, there are very few situations in today’s world where open aggression is an appropriate response. Instead of getting rid of the situation, open aggression often leads to increased anger and more problems. Research has found that people who vent their anger in aggressive ways tend to become more anger, rather than less. It would be better to switch to Style D – Assertive Problem Solving. Style B-Suppressed Anger: People with this style of anger management choose to pretend that they are not angry. They ignore their angry feelings and hope that they will go away. They feel uncomfortable expressing anger and don’t want other people to know when they are angry. Anger that is ignored does not go away on it’s own. People who have this style of anger management may develop headaches, ulcers, stomachaches, or other physical illnesses because their anger is simmering below the surface. It also does not get rid of the problem that is causing the anger. It would be better to switch to Style D – Assertive Problem Solving. Style C-Passive Aggressive: People with this style of anger management choose to show their anger in indirect ways, instead of confronting the problem head on. They often hope the other person will notice that they are angry by pouting, refusing to talk, or giving nonverbal clues, such as slamming a door or stomping their feet. This anger management style also tries to get back at the person by talking about them behind their back, “belittling” them, or using sarcasm. Similar to open aggression, this style of anger management often leads to increased anger and problems. It would be better to switch to Style D – Assertive Problem Solving.


Overhead transparency/ PPT slide: ACTS

Style D-Assertive Problem Solving People with this style of anger management choose to pay attention to their anger signs and deal with problems in an assertive manner. They express their anger in polite and honest ways. They are able to confront other people without attacking them personally and don’t become defensive when talking about differences. They seek to resolve problems in mutually acceptable ways. People with this anger management style are able to release their angry emotions and forgive other people, even when problems are not able to be resolved. They do not carry grudges or bitterness. This anger management style promotes good personal health and strong relationships. Anger Management Style - Assertive Problem Solving The Assertive Problem Solving style of anger management can be summed up using the ACTS technique. ACTS

A = AWARE of your anger signals C = CONTOL your response T = TALK about the situation in a calm, polite, and

assertive manner S = SOLVE the problem through a mutually agreeable

plan of action A stands for becoming AWARE of the signs of angry feelings. The first step to appropriate anger management is to become aware of your angry feelings as soon as possible. DON’T let angry feelings build and simmer. What are signs that you are feelings angry? [Record the anger signals on a flip chart page. Responses may include: rising voice, hand shaking, jaw tightening, shorter breaths, tense muscles, flushed, red face, etc.]


C stands for CONTROLLING your response. THINK before you act. Think about the best way to handle this situation. What choices do you have? What are the “pros” and “cons” of each choice? This is a good time to practice the technique of counting to ten before responding. The trick is to get yourself under control so that you can respond in an appropriate and logical manner. Keep the end result in mind … to resolve this situation in a way that meets your needs without hindering the needs of others. T stands for TALKING about the situation. Talk about the situation in a calm, polite, and assertive manner. Assertive techniques include talking about differences without becoming defensive or attacking the other person. Talking about the situation may involve using a technique called the W.I.N. method of confrontation. This method helps you focus on the real issue, express how it is affecting you, and describe what you would like from the situation. 1) W stands for WHEN. Say to the person, “When you . .

.” 2) I stands for I. In this step you will express a feeling or

thought. Tell the other person how you are feeling, i.e. I am upset. . .(irritated, furious, ticked off. . . )

3) N stands for NEED. I need/want . . . (specify what you want to change.)

For example, “When we don’t have enough money to pay our bills I feel angry. I want us to talk about how we can budget our money so that we have enough money to cover our bills.” S stands for SOLVING the problem The final step to the ACTS technique of assertive problem-solving is to negotiate a mutually agreeable solution to the situation, create an action plan, and follow through with it. The solution should be “win-win” for everyone involved.


Overhead transparency/ PPT slide: What to Do When a Solution is Not Possible

What To Do When A Solution Is Not Possible When a solution is not possible you have three choices: 1) You can change your perception about the event.

Decide that you don’t really care and drop your anger. Make a conscious decision that the issue is not that important and you can’t change it anyway. In this case you choose to forgive the person, even though the situation was not resolved. A common problem with “dropping your anger” is that it can come back at a later time. You will need to remind yourself that “it is over” and refuse to get angry again.

2) Get professional help and counseling. Sometimes the best option is to get an objective, third party to negotiate a resolution. This is a good option when:

a. the issue is very important, b. both sides want to resolve the problem, but

they are STUCK, and/or c. the anger has been intense and frequent.

3) You can withdraw from the situation. This is an important option if you feel that the anger is putting you or someone else at risk. Verbal and physical abuses are at all time highs. It is estimated that physical or verbal violence is part of one-fourth to one-half of dating relationships. In the United States, a woman is beaten every fifteen seconds. Approximately 50% of all injuries suffered by women who go to emergency rooms are the direct result of physical abuse. The rate of child abuse in homes where domestic violence occurs is 15 times higher than the national average. We also know that verbal abuse often leads to physical abuse. Get out of any situation that puts you at risk. Get help with your anger if it is putting someone else at risk.

Next Steps You have worked very hard today on understanding ways to manage anger. Spend some time thinking about the best ways you can positively manager your anger.


KEY POINTS OF ANGER

Anger is a normal and necessary emotion.

It is not wrong to experience feelings of anger.

Everyone experiences feelings of anger; some people experience it more intensely and more often than other people.

Anger is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong. It is your body’s response to an unmet need, expectation or belief. For example, you become angry when someone cuts in front of you in line because you believe that people should wait their turn.

Anger can feel wrong to some people because they have been taught that feeling/expressing anger is not good.

Anger can appear wrong when people express it in inappropriate ways, such as using violence.

When expressed appropriately, anger can lead to having your needs met, without hindering the needs of others.

Appropriate expressions of anger can lead to stronger relationships and more satisfying situations.

How Do I Manage Anger?


My Anger Management Style PART 1

Your Score

Place a 0, 1, or 2 in the column labeled “Your Score.” 0 means that the item is never or rarely true for you 1 means that the item is sometimes true 2 means that the item is almost always true for you.

1. I am blunt and forceful when things don’t go my way. 2. I avoid or withdraw from people when I am angry with them. 3. I complain about people behind their back, but not to their face. 4. I disagree with others without attacking them or becoming defensive. 5. I don’t keep grudges or seek revenge when problems cannot be

solved. 6. I don’t like to let other people know when I am angry. 7. I feel like hitting someone who makes me very angry. 8. I don’t like to express my anger. 9. I am depressed or moody. 10. I look for solutions that make everyone happy. 11. I politely, but firmly, tell others when I am angry. 12. I pout and feel sorry for myself when I am angry. 13. I cover my anger by drinking, taking drugs, or overeating. 14. I swear loudly to blow off steam. 15. I take some time to calm down before talking with others. 16. I try not to let my anger show. 17. I use sarcasm and “little jokes or names” to make people look bad or

feel bad. 18. If I’m very upset, I’ll hit something. 19. If things are bad enough, I’ll throw something. 20. When I am angry, I become silent to make it obvious that I am

unhappy. See Scoring on next page


SCORING Put “your score” for each item in the matching box. Add the scores for each Row and put the total in the last box, e.g., Style A total is #1 + #7 + #14 + #18 + #19 = A: ____

Totals

#1 #7 #14 #18 #19 A:

#6 #8 #9 #13 #16 B:

#2 #3 #12 #17 #20 C:

#4 #5 #10 #11 #15 D:


Anger Management Styles PART II

Style A-Open Aggression People with this style of managing anger use physical or verbal force to get rid of the threats to the person. This is one of your body’s natural reactions to severe stress. However, there are very few times when this is a good response. Physical or verbal force often leads to more anger and problems. People who vent their anger through physical or verbal force tend to become more angry, rather than less. It would be better to switch to Style D – Assertive Problem Solving. Style B-Suppressed Anger People with this style of managing anger choose to pretend that they are not angry. They ignore their angry feelings and hope that they will go away. They feel uncomfortable expressing anger and don’t want other people to know when they are angry. Anger that is ignored does not go away on it’s own. People who manage their anger this way may develop headaches, ulcers, stomachaches, or other illnesses because their anger is simmering below the surface. It also does not get rid of the problem that is causing the anger. It would be better to switch to Style D – Assertive Problem Solving. Style C-Passive Aggressive People with this style of managing anger choose to show their anger in indirect ways, instead of dealing with the problem head on. They often hope the other person will notice that they are angry by pouting, refusing to talk, or giving clues, such as slamming a door or stomping their feet. This style also tries to get back at the person by talking about them behind their back, “belittling” him/her, or using sarcasm. It often leads to more anger and problems. It would be better to switch to Style D – Assertive Problem Solving. Style D-Assertive Problem Solving People with this style of managing anger are aware of when they are getting angry. They control their anger and express it in polite and honest ways. They are able to talk with others without attacking them. They listen to other people’s point of view and try to solve problems in ways that meet everyone’s needs. They are able to let go of their angry feelings and forgive other people, even when problems cannot be solved. They do not carry grudges and are not bitter. This style promotes good health and strong relationships.


ACTS

A = AWARE of your anger signals C = CONTOL your response T = TALK about the situation in a

calm, polite, and assertive manner S = SOLVE the problem through a

mutually agreeable plan of action


ACTS A stands for becoming AWARE of the signs of angry feelings. The first step to appropriate anger management is to become aware of your angry feelings as soon as possible. DON’T let angry feelings build and simmer. Ask the group: What are signs that you are feelings angry? Record the anger signals on a flip chart page. Responses may include: rising voice, hand shaking, jaw tightening, shorter breaths, tense muscles, flushed, red face, etc. C stands for CONTROLLING your response. THINK before you act. Think about the best way to handle this situation. What choices do you have? What are the “pros” and “cons” of each choice? This is a good time to practice the technique of counting to ten before responding. The trick is to get yourself under control so that you can respond in an appropriate and logical manner. Keep the end result in mind … to resolve this situation in a way that meets your needs without hindering the needs of others. T stands for TALKING about the situation. Talk about the situation in a calm, polite, and assertive manner. Assertive techniques include talking about differences without becoming defensive or attacking the other person. Talking about the situation may involve using a technique called the W.I.N. method of confrontation. This method helps you focus on the real issue, express how it is affecting you, and describe what you would like from the situation.

4) W stands for WHEN. Say to the person, “When you . . .” 5) I stands for I. In this step you will express a feeling or thought. Tell the other

person how you are feeling, i.e. I am upset. . .(irritated, furious, ticked off. . . ) 6) N stands for NEED. I need/want . . . (specify what you want to change.)

For example, “When we don’t have enough money to pay our bills I feel angry. I want us to talk about how we can budget our money so that we have enough money to cover our bills.” S stands for SOLVING the problem The final step to the ACTS technique of assertive problem-solving is to negotiate a mutually agreeable solution to the situation, create an action plan, and follow through with it. The solution should be “win-win” for all parties involved.


What To Do When A Solution Is Not Possible:

1. Change your perception about the

event and choose to drop your anger. 2. Get professional help and counseling 3. Withdraw or leave the situation

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