learning feedback with lego - the building blocks of giving and receiving feedback
TRANSCRIPT
LEARNING FEEDBACK WITH LEGO
The Building Blocks of Giving and Receiving Feedback
Arthur Doler @arthurdoler [email protected]
A QUICK SURVEY
WHAT IS FEEDBACK?
You
Tests
Reviews
Advice
Auditions
Grades
Scores
Comments
Critiques
Emotions
Surveys
Sounds
Arguments
Physical Sensatio
ns
Evaluations
Significant
LooksJudgemen
ts
ProcessInput Output
Feedback
WHY DOES FEEDBACK MATTER?
BUT MOST FEEDBACK SUCKS
825 million work-hours spent annually on performance reviews
That’s 94,000 work-years
51% of respondents said their performance review was unfair or
inaccurate
25% of employees fear performance reviews more than anything else at
work
Millions of hours of feedback training
… about giving feedback
Push, and push harder
HOW DO WE FIX IT, IF YOU’RE SO SMART?
3 types of feedback and 2 types of mirrors
Feedback labels and unpacking them
Feedback triggers and solutions
The whole feedback conversation
THE 3 TYPES OF FEEDBACK AND 2 TYPES OF MIRRORS
APPRECIATION
EXAMPLES“I’m grateful to have you on the team!”
“Thanks for taking the time to do that right.”
Silently dropping a bottle of scotch on an employee’s desk and walking away
Why we want itAcknowledgement, belonging
What it’s good forTo acknowledge, connect, motivate, thank
PitfallsNot meeting the three criteria• Specific• Authentic• In a form the receiver values & understands
COACHING
EXAMPLES“You could be more effective at feedback if you read this book.”
“I’ve found that the Observer Pattern helps out a lot with that sort of problem. You might try it next time.”
“Next time I have that issue, can you help me out?”
Why we want itImprovement, growth, and change
What it’s good forAddressing one of two things – a need
to develop certain skills, or to fix a problem or flaw in the relationship
PitfallsCan be frustrating, met with arguments
or ingratitude, and is not often rewarded
EVALUATION
EXAMPLES“You were the top performer in the sales group this year.”
“Your beard is awfully scruffy today.”
“You are going to fail this course if you don’t get your act together.”
Why we want itPlanning, knowing where we stand
What it’s good forTo quantify, clarify, and inform
PitfallsOften loud, sometimes hurtful
THERE’S SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
EXAMPLEAlice: “I’ve decided to take up painting, and I want you to be the first one to see my first finished work! What do you think?”
Bob: “I think your brushwork could be cleaner here, and I’m curious about some of your color choices…”
EXAMPLEClaire: “I think being a PM really suits me. Do you have any suggestions?”
Don: “No, I think you’re doing great! Keep up the good work!”
EXAMPLEDon: “Hey, Bob. I think you’re doing great work, but I need you to be filling out those TPS reports daily, okay? Thanks! Really glad you’re on the team.”
Bob’s Internal Dialog: “Are you kidding me? We’re swamped with support tickets and our velocity is tanking, and he’s worried about TPS reports? I’ve got to get a better job…”
SUPPORTIVE MIRRORS
EXAMPLEAlice: “Can you believe what Don said to me this morning? Where does he get off?!”
Bob: “Yeah, that guy’s really let his promotion go to his head. Makes me wish I could deflate him.”
Alice: “I know, right? Ugh.”
The GoodEmotionally supportiveStrengthens the relationshipReinforces self-image
The BadReinforces self-imageIgnores potential issuesSkips teaching moments
HONEST MIRRORS
EXAMPLEAlice: “Can you believe what Don said to me this morning? Where does he get off?!”
Bob: “Don’s a jerk, but he’s kind of right. You do need to prepare for these meetings more.”
Alice: “Wait. You agree with him? Huh. Maybe I am getting a little lazy…”
The GoodGrows the relationshipCalls out potential issuesUses teaching moments
The BadNot always welcomeDifficult to determine appropriatenessRequires thoughtfulness
EXERCISE 1PartnerWhomever you’re sitting nearest to
GoalsTry out the feedback typesExperience each side of the mirror types
TimeBuild: 10 minutesFeedback: 10 minutes
EXERCISE 1 DISCUSSION
LABELS
YOUR BRAIN, THE SYMBOL MACHINE
Cheese
Pizza
WineItaly
France
MacaroniPasta
Bordeaux
Romance
Language
Pitch
Italian
French
Salad Dressi
ng
Tar
MarioBros.
Mouse Cat
Baseball
“Be more Proactive .”
HOW DO YOU UNPACK LABELS?
THE LIFE OF A FEEDBACK STATEMENT
Data Interpretation Label
Advice or Consequenc
es
“Going To”
“Coming From”
…what data?
Proactive
Interpretation
Data
ASK: “WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?”
… REPEATEDLY
COMING FROM EXAMPLE“Be more assertive.”
“You were too laid back.”
“Well, you didn’t…”
Label
Interpretation
Data
GOING TOClarify the advice• If you wanted to follow the advice, could you do it?
Clarify the consequences & expectations•What will happen immediately?•What are you expected to do?•What will happen if you don’t?
EXERCISE 2PartnerSomeone you don’t know
GoalsPractice identifying and unpacking labels
TimeBuild: 10 minutesFeedback: 10 minutes
EXERCISE 2 DISCUSSION
FEEDBACKTRIGGERS
SOME FEEDBACK IS EASY
AND THEN SOME FEEDBACK IS NOT
DIFFICULT FEEDBACK TRIGGERS
MENTAL DEFENSE SYSTEMSRar!
Truth Triggers
Relationship Triggers
Identity Triggers
ProcessInput Output
Feedback
Inquiry
Explanation
Triggers
TRUTH TRIGGERS
EXAMPLEDon: “I do like the general layout of the form, but I think you need to put more effort into the UX of the error cases.”
Alice: “The last time you touched an application it was written in Fortran. What do you even know about UX?”
THE FLAVORS OF WRONG
Factually WrongDifferent-Planet WrongUsed To Be RightRight According to the Wrong PeopleWrong ContextRight for You, Wrong for MeActually Correct, but Not Right NowUnhelpful
HOW DO YOU DEFUSE TRUTH TRIGGERS?
ASK: “WHAT’S DIFFERENT?”
DIFFERENT DATA?
You don’t notice everything
You have biases!Yes, you do.No really, you do.
92% of American drivers think they are better than average
90% of managers think they’re in the top 10%
DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION?
Clarify to the point of absurdity
Dig out implicit rules
ASK: “WHAT’S RIGHT?”
What makes sense?
What’s worth trying?
How can you give them the benefit of the doubt about their feedback?
WHAT IF YOU STILL DISAGREE?
EXERCISE 3PartnerSomeone else you don’t know
GoalsExperience truth triggers and solutions
TimeBuild: 10 minutesFeedback: 10 minutes
EXERCISE 3 DISCUSSION
RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS
FOR YOUR PLEASURE: A SHORT DRAMA
EXAMPLE
SWITCHTRACKING
A
A
A
A
B
B
Feedback occurs
We respond to the giver,not the feedback
B
What about me?!
Staying silent makes it worse
2 RELATIONSHIP TRIGGER TYPES
WHAT WE THINK ABOUT THEMWhat we think about their feedback skills
What we think about their credibility and knowledge
What we think about how much we trust them
HOW WE FEEL TREATED BY THEMDo they give us appreciation?
Do they give us autonomy?
Do they give us acceptance?
HOW DO YOU DEFUSE RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS?
BE AWARE OF SWITCHTRACKING
TRY TO BE OBJECTIVE
They may suck at feedback …Is their feedback still right?
They may be inexperienced…Is their inexperience valuable here?
We may not trust them…Assume they mean well. Is the feedback still valid?
USE SYSTEMS THINKING
ASK: “WHO IS THE PROBLEM?”
ASK: “WHO NEEDS TO CHANGE?”
SYSTEMS THINKING:TAKE THREE STEPS BACK
1 STEP BACK: YOU + ME INTERSECTIONS
You Me Problem?
1 STEP BACK: YOU + ME INTERSECTIONS
Ask: “What is each of us contributing?”
Ask: “In what ways does the feedback reflect differences in
preferences, assumptions, styles, or implicit rules between us?”
Role A
2 STEPS BACK: ROLE CLASHESRole Confusion
Me
You
I’m in charge of that! I have
feedback for you.
... who made YOU boss?
Role A
Role B
2 STEPS BACK: ROLE CLASHESRole Clarity
Me
You
My role is to ensure we take minimal risk.
... but my role is to innovate!
Role A
2 STEPS BACK: ROLE CLASHES
Ask: “Do our roles make it more or less likely that we might have conflict with each other?”
3 STEPS BACK: THE BIG PICTURE
Policies
Organization
Culture
… oh boy.
Role B
You
Me
Role A
3 STEPS BACK: THE BIG PICTUREAsk: “What other players influence our behavior and choices? Are physical setups, processes, or structures also contributing to the problem?”
USING THE SYSTEM LENS
START WITH YOUAsk: “What am I doing (or failing to do) that is contributing to the dynamic between us?”
Ask: “What parts of the system am I responsible for?”
Don’t: Switchtrack by focusing on what isn’t your fault
AVOID SHIFTING AND ABSORBING
Blame absorbers say “It’s all me!”
Blame shifters say “It’s anyone but me!”
LOOK FOR “ME + EVERYBODY” INTERSECTIONS
If you’re the common factor in a bunch of problems…
Then great!
“YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO PASS THE BUCK!”“This problem isn’t systemic – it’s you!”
Reframe your suggestion
“Here’s what would help me change”
EXERCISE 4PartnerSomeone you do know
GoalsExperience relationship triggers and their solutions
TimeBuild: 10 minutesFeedback: 5 minutes
EXERCISE 4 DISCUSSION
IDENTITY TRIGGERS
EXAMPLEDon: “Okay, this meeting is super important. I need you to be on your game in there.”
Bob: “… whose game do you think I was on until now? Are you saying you don’t think I perform well?”
HOW YOUR FEELINGS MESS WITH FEEDBACK
Consistency Bias We change how we recall the past
Flooding We let feedback apply to unrelated areas
Continuity BiasWe change how we view the future
Future TrippingWe obsess over predicted consequences
FOUR DISTORTION PATTERNS
HOW DO YOU DEFUSE IDENTITY TRIGGERS?
KNOW THE 50-40-10 RULE
KNOW YOUR WIRING
1.Baseline2.Swing3.Sustain/Recovery
11
2
2
3
3
Long Sustain of Positive
Short Sustain of Positive
Quick Recovery from Negative
“I love feedback!” “No big deal either way.”
Slow Recovery from Negative
“I’m hopeful, but fearful.”
“I hate feedback!”
DISMANTLE DISTORTIONS
SEPARATE THE STRANDSAsk: “What do I feel?”
Ask: “What’s the story I’m telling myself?”
Ask: “What’s the actual feedback?”
FRAME THE FICTION
Restrict time, specificity, and people
Right-size the consequences
CHANGE THE CONTEXT
Imagine you’re an observer
Look back from the future
Cast the comedy
ASK: “CAN I CONTROL WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME?”
CULTIVATE A GROWTH PERSONALITY
ASK: “IS MY SELF-STORY ROBUST OR BRITTLE?”
EMBRACE COMPLEXITYNegative feedback wrecks all-or-nothing personalities
Embrace identity nuance•You will make mistakes•You have complex intentions•You have contributed to the problem
EXERCISE 5PartnerWhoever you worked with in Exercise 1
GoalsExperience identity triggers and their solutions
TimeBuild: 10 minutesFeedback: 10 minutes
EXERCISE 5 DISCUSSION
FEEDBACK CONVERSATION
CONVERSATIONAL ARC
OPENBODYCLOSE
OPEN: GET ALIGNED
1.What’s my purpose in giving/receiving this feedback?
2.What’s my desired outcome?
3.Is it the right purpose from my point of view?
4.Is it the right purpose from their point of view?
BODY: MANAGE THE CONVERSATION
BE AN ACTIVE LISTENER
Convey that you’ve heard them
Listen for what’s right
Repurpose your inner monologue
Beware “Hot Inquiry”
ASSERT WHAT’S LEFT OUT
Convincing someone they’re wrong?
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD
Their Data Your Data
Their Interpretation Your
Interpretation
REFEREE USING PROCESS MOVES
DiagnoseFigure out why you’re stuck
DescribeDescribe and restate the conversation
ProposeOffer solutions and suggestions to move forward
PROBLEM SOLVE TO CREATE POSSIBILITIES
Know the difference between positions and interests
Find their interests
Usually 3 main sources of interests•Helping you•Helping themselves and the relationship•Helping the organization/family/someone else
CLOSE: GET COMMITMENT
Where do each of you stand?
What’s the action plan?
What are the consequences, if any?
When do you meet again?
EXERCISE 6PartnerAnyone you haven’t worked with yet
GoalsPractice the Feedback Conversation
TimeBrainstorming: 5 minutesBuild: 10 minutesFeedback: 10 minutes
EXERCISE 6 DISCUSSION
THE MAJOR TAKEAWAYS
RECEIVING FEEDBACK
1) Know what type of feedback and mirror you actually want
2) Get those labels unpacked
3) Be aware of your triggers and the techniques to defuse them
4) To find solutions, focus on interests and not positions
GIVING FEEDBACK
1) Is your recipient willing to accept feedback now (or from you)?
2) Consider your positions and interests when you open the conversation
3) Unpack labels yourself to help the recipient
4) Use process moves to deal with conflicts
5) Give people time to deal with their triggers
THANKS
Thanks For The Feedback – Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen
Mindset – Carol Dweck
Crucial Conversations - Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
Why I Don’t Like You – Perfect Strangers and Your Worst Enemies